Week 6, In Which Everybody Scored

For some reason, it seemed like there were an inordinate amount of points being scored in week 6. Did anyone else get this impression? Shootouts, shutouts, blowouts, blackouts - everyone who could score did score!*

Run Up The Score, Much?: Time for some earth logic. If a rival coach is talking smack about you, what do you do?

A) Nothing. Discretion is, after all, the better part of valor;

B) Invite him out for a beer and talk about it like men, proving you can keep your cool;

C) Run up the score on his hapless team to the point where he goes out of his head and wears a Peyton Manning jersey at a charity event? (Bitten and Bound), thus proving to the entire country that your team is darn good, but you're a classless toad;

Well, Bill Belichick, have we got your answer or what? It was rumored that Titans head coach Jeff Fisher launched a little lip over the Patriots' tactics and that there was a lot of bad blood swirling about, (Yahoo) and Brady and Co. retaliated by absolutely beating the Titans' swords into plowshares, shutting them out by 59 points. The Titans aimlessly skittered around in the snow in Foxboro, fumbled six times, and amassed a whole -7 passing yards, while Brady threw for six touchdowns and the Pats rolled for over 600 yards of offense. Belichick later remarked that he was just "just trying to run our offense" and "I know the score got out of hand."(New England Sports Network) Really? Got out of hand?! This makes absolutely zero sense. Does a serial killer who's got a premeditated body count of twenty come out and say that "it got out of hand?"  

I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, we can't be 0-6, I'm going nuts...Source: Tennessee Football from Every Angle.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees!: Favre's sole achievement of the week was "not losing to Baltimore," and he was outperformed by Joe Flacco. However, in Monday Night's ESPN poll of which quarterback shone the brightest in week 6, everybody but the state of Massachusetts voted for Drew Brees, who threw 23/20 for 369 yards and an astonishing 4 touchdowns. He was not running up the score against a winless opponent, but rather, single-handedly dismantling the secondary of the New York Giants, who had the best combined defensive unit in the entire NFL. After he was satisfied, he simply sat on the bench and let the backups finish the game. And the Scoring Machines continue to dominate the NFC!

Truly Special Special Teams: In the 4th quarter, Atlanta was driving and poised to score again. However, on third down, Bears rookie FS Al Afalava got in the way of Matt Ryan's target (tight end Tony Gonzalez) forcing the Falcons to punt. Devin Hester lined up deep to receive, and within one second of the fair catch signal the penalty flags flew. The reason? Chicago had 12 men on the field, and Al Michaels groaned "Now there is a major foul-up." Oi vey. Although Chicago went on to intercept Ryan's next pass and march it back for a touchdown, it's the principle of the thing already!

Good Sir, it appears you dropped something! The Bears' foul-ups on Sunday night also kept my father from sleeping. Source: William DeShazer, Chicago Tribune.

Special Teams That Are Actually Special, and NOT Special: Monday night's Bolts/Broncos skirmish marked the first time in NFL history that both teams had a kick return for a touchdown. San Diego's Darren Sproles zoomed down the field, running between the legs of slow defenders, and Denver had two, which I think comprised about half of their total yardage. In other news, the DSM-IV now categorizes "kicking to Eddie Royal" as a disorder that merits one's removal from society and locking in a padded cell. 

Amusing Announcing: Jim Zorn, while not fired yet, is now not allowed to call plays after the 'Skins lost to the winless Chiefs. Someone remarked to Second and One on Tuesday, "If I lived in DC, I'd want Zorn locked in a cage with Tom Cable for half an hour." Apparently it's pretty bad. A series of commentators on the NFL network discussed the number of people who are currently crying, Merchant of Venice-style, for a pound of Zorn's flesh. Without explicitly re-stating the allegory, one of them then began "Well, I don't want his flesh!" Which is just an...odd turn of phrase. Of course, this "not calling plays" nonsense begs the question of what Zorn is still doing in Washington. Is he the team's mascot or something?

Additionally, in the depressing Bears-Falcons contest, NBC announcers extolled the Bears' offense after dominating the Lions "last week." The problem with this is that the Bears didn't dominate anyone last week - they were on bye! Please, announcers! Make sure brain is engaged before mouth is opened!

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It's not looking good. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, have lost for the third straight week, despite putting up 90 points! I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, beyond invoking the Just Plain Bad Luck principle. How was I supposed to know I would only score three points between two running backs (Morris, who was injured in the opening minutes of the Pats/Titans game, and Jacobs, who was all but stuffed and displayed as a trophy by the Saints), or that Baltimore's defense, who only allowed 100 yards on the ground once in of its last 40 games, would roll over and absolutely die against Adrian Peterson? Of course, my receiving core (Knox/Hester, Welker, Holmes) is also inconsistent, and I'm using all sorts of dodgy stochastic methods to decide who to start at tight end (and I'm wrong about 80% of the time, it seems). However, this week it is impossible for me to lose. I have stacked the deck in my favor. Rodgers against Cleveland, Addai and the Colts' D against St. Louis, Welker against the narcoleptic Buccaneers, Holmes against the Vikes, who will force Roethlisberger to throw all day, Celek against Washington** and Sidney Rice, who has been Favre-lous! If the 'Nukies blow another one, I will conclude my team is cursed!

This is all for now; I'm at work and need to actually do so!

*Well, except for the Bears, who statistically outperformed Atlanta in every conceivable category and still lost the %#!&ing game because they just couldn't get it in the end zone. It was like watching a bad version of Star Wars. Negative. It didn't go in, just impacted on the surface!

***Alternatively, Visanthe Shiancoe against Pittsburgh, who couldn't cover a tight end with water if asked to.