Finally Unloading My Collection of Stuff

Ok. Today is the day when every random football-related comment I've saved on my computer makes its way up here, because I am home with a cold and have nothing better to do because it is 50 ˚F and raining outside. Without further ado...

Another One Bites The Dust, and I mean, Really Bites It: On Saturday, the #1, #5, #10, #19, #22, 23, and 24-ranked teams all lost - to teams ranked lower or to unranked teams. The smallest margin of defeat, one point, was the upset of #24. The largest, 13 points, the upset of #1. I don't even think they will even get the famed BCS computer to run for a day without bursting into flames at the rate we're going. Updated BCS standings can be found here. (ESPN) 

Bonus Statistic: The Indianapolis Colts' away record is better than every other NFL team's home record - except for the Patriots. 

Amusing Announcing: During the Bears' ugly loss to the Giants in week 4, after Jay Cutler was sacked yet another time, NBC Announcer Al Michaels quipped, "someone put a tent over this circus, this is unbelievable." I laughed for ten minutes.

Graduates of the Bill Belichick* School of Opponent Demoralization, Masters' Degree Edition: On Saturday, Boise State, Oklahoma, and Texas Christian (#3, 4, and 6, with a combined record of 19-0), won by a combined score of 131...to a total of three points scored by opponents with a combined record of 6-15. The valedictorian of the week: the Division I-AA Jacksonville Dolphins, who beat the Valparaiso Crusaders by an astonishing 86-7, in a game where Jacksonville actually lost the time of possession battle by about three minutes. Eighty-six to freaking' seven! Highlights of the game include touchdowns from two interception returns and a blocked punt. Jax's only mistake: missing their last PAT. Apparently these guys are repeat offenders - 35 is the fewest points they've scored all season.

Apparently, Jacksonville thinks they're a high school team running the A-11 No-Punt Offense, and Valpo thinks it's basketball season. Source: Jacksonville.com

More Amusing Announcing: During MNF's Fastest Three Minutes, Chris "Boomer" Berman referred to Steelers WR Mike Wallace as "The Sixty Minute Man" after the news commentator with the same name. Magnifico!

Dumb, Daft Defenses: Oh, Minnesota. Nothing stings like starting 1-6. On Saturday against purdue, while down 14-0 against the Purdue Boilermakers, Gophers' LB Gary Tinsley intercepted a botched wideout screen and was in position for a pick-6. As he dived and stretched his arms out to push the ball over the goal line, the ball squirted out of his hands and knocked over the pylon. The fumble was ruled a touchback, Purdue got the ball on the Minnesota 20-yard line and made the game 21-0, and Minnesota's coach (Tim Brewster) actually got fired the day after. D'oh. I will here use my significant other's rule for show-offy defenders: "just fall on it, jackass!"

Loony Bonus College Statistic: Until Saturday, Nebraska and Nevada were the only teams that, this season, have never trailed at any point during a game. Nebraska had never been in a tie at any point during a game, except for starting 0-0. Both teams were subsequently upset by unranked teams. 

Crappy Commentating: A friend of mine remarked on Facebook that he wanted to "punch Cris Collinsworth." I'm pretty sure this was the reason: on Sunday night, the commentator animatedly described the day's head injuries (complete with video of Eagles WR DeSean Jackson getting literally knocked out of the game). His emphasis seemed placed on the sensationalism of it all. This sort of violence is not sensational or funny. I like to regurgitate a Wayne Gretzky quote when I watch/hear things like this: "Why must the best shot in the game be on someone's nose instead of in someone's net?" These are serious injuries that, although rarely, can have life-threatening consequences. Such as is the case for Rutgers DT Eric LeGrand, who suffered a spinal cord injury in a helmet-to-helmet hit on a punt return and may be paralyzed from the neck down. (Larry Brown Sports) Come on, announcers. Grow up and realize the gravity of the situation, will you? You can see the video of the tackle that injured LeGrand at the link above, but it is rather cringe-worthy and I don't recommend it. We here at Second and One wish the best for LeGrand and his family.

Really Goofus Bonus NFL Statistics: In the NFC North, the Packers have lost two games in overtime and three by three points this season. In the two most recent games that Jay Cutler has played, he has been sacked fifteen times. The current point leaders in the NFC North: The Detroit Lions, who have also allowed the fewest sacks out of the entire division. The San Diego Chargers lead the statistical categories of pass yards per game, total offensive yards per game, total yards allowed per game, and pass yards allowed per game. They are currently 2-4. The Dallas Cowboys are also in the top five in these categories. They are 1-4. If anyone can give me a concise reason why these two teams are a combined 3-8, I'll be sure the Nobel Committee calls you tomorrow. Not a whole lot makes sense in the NFL right now.

No! We're the worse team! No, we are! Source: images.morris.com

I've Waited More Than a Year To say This, but...Don't Kick To Devin Hester!!: After a lackluster 2009 season on special teams, people thought Chicago WR/punt returner Devin Hester had lost his magic. Until, of course, 2010. Thus far, he's run back two for touchdowns this season, including in the Bears' dramatic upset of the Packers. If I were a special teams coach, I would tell my kicker to swallow the football before I'd tell him to kick to Devin Hester.

Amusing Announcing, "Because I'm Twelve" Edition: During a college game, the following comment was made about a player: "Every time he holds the ball, he finishes." I'm not saying anything else because my foot is dangerously close to my mouth already. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: So I officially hate my perma-screwed, uber-deep fantasy league. I think our waiver system is horse puckey. I think our defensive scoring rubric makes less sense than NCAA recruiting rules. I think our scoring predictor has a lower success rate than monkeys throwing darts at a board. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are at 1-5. I'm getting decked harder than whoever is unfortunate enough to line up opposite Cortland Finnegan every Sunday.** No matter who I start at running back or wide receiver, they always do absolutely nothing. Things like the Randy Moss trade, Demaryius Thomas' neck injury, and the very existence of LaDainian Tomlinson don't help, either. In order for my team to have a fighting chance, I need the Cards' O-line to learn how to block, for Ryan Mathews, Brandon Jackson, and Braylon Edwards to all break their feet at the same time, for every member of KC's receiving corps except for Dwayne Bowe to come down with leprosy, and for every defense in the league to forget Dallas Clark exists. Subtle irony: the one week I did win, I won because someone else started the wrong tight end for once. I can't talk about this any more. 

Whatever this thing is, I can guarantee that my fantasy football team currently blows harder than it ever could. Source, aoc.gov

Life Imitates Art, Which Imitates The Saints (Truly Special Special Teams): In week five, both the St. Louis Rams (on a 2-win streak) and the Kansas City Chiefs (on a 4-win streak) opted to begin their games with an onside kick. Both attempts failed. Both teams lost (and the former, horribly) Ugh.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Say what you will about Jaguars-Titans tonight. Here's what I have to say:

Will the Jaguars keep playing like dolts

Or will the Titans look worse than the 'Bolts?

Let me open my mouth

About the AFC South

They've all look'd bad - even the Colts.

And we conclude with our latest installment of Football Foods. I came up with this delicious meatloaf burger recipe while trying to figure out what to do with the pound of ground beef that boyfriend had in his freezer, all while watching Iowa beat up Michigan on Saturday:

BCS Buster Burgers:

1 lb ground beef

1 egg, lightly beaten like Florida on Saturday

1/4-1/3 cup bread crumbs

1 tbsp ketchup

1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1/8 tsp salt

1/8 tsp black pepper

1/8 tsp garlic powder

pinch of cayenne pepper (as, like former Oregon Duck LeGarrette Blount did, it gives a little extra punch)

Combine ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Mix with your hands to be sure everything is well-incorporated. Shape into patties and broil or grill to your desired degree of doneness (although I don't take responsibility if you get food poisoning and throw up all over yourself like Michigan seems to do every week). Top with your favorite fixins' and serve on buns. This recipe serves 2-3. 

Remember kids: if you think turnovers are what you order for dessert at Arby's, you shouldn't be playing linebacker.

*I just realize I have been spelling Belichick's name as "Belicheck" for the past five weeks. Oops. I guess he's the Toby Gerhart of this season: I didn't get his name right until week 13 of last year, just in time for the Heisman balloting.

**For those who don't get the joke, Finnegan has received three consecutive fines from the league for unnecessary roughness or something like that, and every player on Denver's offense is crying for a pound of his flesh. You can Google it if you really want to read about the drama (complete with Chuck Cecil's middle finger).

Crime and Punishment

Good heavens, there's a lot of spicy, juicy news this week. I figured since I'm home sick from work for the third time this year (because apparently my immune system's defense is only slightly better than the Cleveland Browns' defense), that a second theme-post ("Crime and Punishment") is in order (as I make Leo Tolstoy spin so fast in his grave that we could use his remains as a turbine engine).

First order of business. Pro Football Hall of Fame linebacker and former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor has been arrested for the alleged solicitation and rape of a 16-year old runaway girl, who may or may not have been a prostitute (ESPN).* Oi vey. According to the gory reports, 51-year-old Taylor arranged a meeting at a hotel with the girl through a middleman (who has since been arrested for sex trafficking), and allegedly payed her $300 for her, uh, services. Since the girl is under the age of consent in New York (which I believe is 17), it's third-degree rape. Whoah, that's a hard story to swallow at about 9AM when you're recovering from a nasty cold, and I really don't know what to say about it other than Taylor should be ashamed of himself if it's true and I hope someone helps the young lady in question. This is not Taylor's first run-in with the law, his prior arrests coming from possession of drug and drug paraphernalia and tax fraud and evasion. Because what man doesn't want to keep every penny he earns to blow it on, well, blow?

***

In other news, it looks like we may have some fallen Saints on our hands...or maybe not. Supposedly, head coach Sean Payton and another coach are accused of stealing Vicodin from the team's medicine chest. I'm having a hard time following this story, which Deadspin describes as "potentially scandalous, potentially frivolous"). Reportedly, one coach (and Payton as well) were prescribed the narcotic, and the other coach got to abusing it and stealing tons of pills from the cabinet, and a former security guard (and also FBI agent) blew the whistle, claiming he was ordered by Saints GM Mickey Loomis to cover up the scandal. Supposedly there are NFL audits, secret microphones, two million dollars, and videotape involved, and someone's been talking to the DEA, who doesn't seem to care all that much about some guy stealing some other guy's pills, even if they won the Super Bowl. (ESPN)

"What should we steal next?" "Hmm, I don't know. How about Drew Brees' birthmark?" Source: exposay.com via Deadspin - I don't normally take pictures from the same article I cite, but the picture just goes with the caption too darn well. 

***

It's official - The Raiders have released JaMarcus Russell, a former first-round-pick overall out of LSU, making him one of the biggest draft busts of all time, as Russell only won 7 of the 25 games he started and will still cost them 39 million dollars. (NFL) I'm not sure what Russell's problem was beyond the descriptors of him being everything from lazy and overweight to unproductive and difficult to work with. I thought to begin with that his SEC-style of play wouldn't be a good fit for the Raiders' more traditional offense. Nonetheless I'm sure the total bummer and outright bad psychology that is a franchise that's had seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses can also mess with the head of a 21 (22?)-year-old rookie. When I think back to being that age, I probably wouldn't have wanted to play for the Raiders either.

Who wants to play where these guys scream at you all game? Who are the two with the KISS-makeup, Road Warrior Animal and his son?** Source: akgroom.wordpress.com, original photographer unknown; and some random wrestling site.

***

I'll end this entry on a positive note. Last Monday, myself and a group of random crazy scientists (read as: my friends and colleagues), decided to play flag football out on one of the many grassy fields around the Large University Where I Work instead of slaving away at our research. It was a beautiful day even though my team lost. My dad later asked me what position I played and whether I definitively enjoyed playing offense or defense more, and I definitively have an answer. 

So I was sitting with a group of people on a Saturday night a couple years back, just drinking beer and watching college games, and we got around to the hypothetical "what position would you play?" question. People had a hard time placing me until someone piped up, "you'd be a wide receiver because you're tall" and everyone leapt on the proverbial bandwagon. Well, erm, ok, this would be a spot-on statement, except for one little (and maybe sort of important) fact. I can't catch. I'm absolutely horrible on offense beyond simply being a decoy to draw coverage because I couldn't hold onto a football if it were duct-taped to my hands. I'm more than just gauche and cartoony; I'm the special-ed child of Jake Delhomme and Adrian Peterson eating a Butterfinger bar on New Years' Eve, which is probably the ball-droppiest of all the holidays. Now, let's couple this with the statement of a guy in my department who always insists that all cornerbacks are just really lousy wideouts, and you've got my answer. I like playing defensive back. I can't catch, but I love chasing and getting in the way of people who actually can. As the head of my research group told me before said game, "get out there and knock somebody over already." 

Remember kids: If your hat has three corners, it sure as heck ain't playing cover-2. 

*Those so inclined may make the "NOT Dez Bryant's mom" joke now. You know you want to. Get it out of your system. 

**Ironically enough, the real Road Warrior Animal's son actually plays for the Rams. For real, although I wouldn't want to play there either.

Everyone is Upset/Saluting Those Who Go Above and Beyond

Sadly, in week 12, the season draws to a close for most college football teams. Us bloggers, or as we call ourselves when we're feeling overly politically-correct, amateur journalists, will only sleep when the world ends. Without further, unnecessary ado, your week 11 college football pleasure.

Another One Bites the Dust: The University of South Florida (#24), who made this blog earlier this season for their upset of Florida State (in which they shanked two field goals and still won the game), marched up to New Jersey to take on 6-2 Rutgers. The first thing I learned in reading about this game was that the Rutgers team actually has a name. I had just assumed that they were simply called "Rutgers" (as in "Who is USF playing this weekend? Uh, the Rutgers...erm, Rutgers.") They're called the Scarlet Knights, and up against the Bulls, they blocked a punt, forced four turnovers and multiple quarterback changes, held USF to less than 160 yards of total offense, and done what no team has done to them in regular season play in their entire history - they shut them out, 31-0. Goodness gracious, these guys are more defensive than me while driving on the interstate! (Some fun stats c/o ESPN)

(Yeah. USF is still seeing red after being blanked by the Scarlet Nights for the first time in program history. Source: AP, Mel Evans.)

That's Not A Very Christian Thing To Do: There's a heck of a lot of hullaballoo over Texas Christian University's Horned Frogs. They're undefeated, first, and second, everyone wonders what point they were trying to prove on Saturday by all but running the 8-1 Utah Utes out of the Lone Star State. In this 55-28 blowout, the Horny Toads ran up the score by having five different people run the ball into the end zone: four (Tucker, Kerley, Hicks, and Wesley) on offense, and one (Carder) on defense. Another fun fact: Despite its name, the horned frog (or horned toad, as it applies to TCU and not South American horned frogs) is a reptile, not an amphibian, and is the state reptile of both Texas and Wyoming. Second and One imagines what it would be like if more schools named their teams after their state reptiles. The Massachusetts Garter Snakes! The Oklahoma Collared Lizards! The Michigan Painted Turtles (although Michigan is slow and sluggish enough to make this one actually appropriate!)

Well whatever it is, Lee Corso puts it on his head every Saturday morning. Source: Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.

Fresh From The Bakery: Oh, those North Carolina Tar Heels. Staging upsets left and right! And oh, those Miami Hurricanes, who keep being upset! On Saturday, U-M QB Jacory Harris threw four interceptions, three of which were caught by UNC Cornerback Kendric Burney. And for the second time this season, UNC Kicker Casey Barth sent up the game-winning three points as the clock ticked toward the end. I can't help wonder what happened to Harris, though. College players often boast of being in communication with NFL stars: Purdue QB Joey Elliot is frequently texted by another famous Boilermaker who shall go unnamed beyond stating that he is currently playing somewhere in Louisiana. Did Harris get a call from Jay Cutler? 

Dumb, Daft Defenses, College Edition: Ohio State and Iowa! The evenly-matched powerhouses of the Big Ten squared off for a Rose Bowl berth on Saturday evening. Beginning the 4th quarter tied at ten apiece, a flurry of scoring ensued in the last regulation period, complete with the Hawkeyes running back a kickoff and OSU missing a field goal - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. With seven minutes remaining and OSU up by seven, the Buckeye defense appeared to have the Hawks pinned on their own side of the field. Rushes for losses, incomplete passes - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. On third and four, the defense was roaring for a big stop.  But OSU jumped offsides - giving Iowa an instant first down! And six plays later, the Hawkeyes tied the game. It's a moot point as OSU won anyway, but had Iowa petered out to a punt, it could have been accepted that Terrelle Pryor et al. would have simply been able to bleed the clock dry for the remaining five minutes and avoid overtime.

It Cleans! It Freshens! It Deodorizes, and Removes Even the Nastiest of Stains!: Here's a pair of thought questions. What do you call a player who records a passing, rushing, and receiving touchdown all in the same game? Answer: Clemson senior RB C.J. Spiller. On the other hand, what do you call a 4-5 team that squibs three kickoffs short in attempt to keep the ball away from this guy, including kicking a duck only six yards when they were already losing? Answer: 4-6.

...It organizes your shoes! It fits under your bed! It's only $19.95! In our salute of ridiculously overperforming players, let's take a look at Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour. When talking about dual-threat quarterbacks, a lot of names come to mind. Juice Williams. Tim Tebow. Terelle Pryor. These guys give you more options than an open buffet. Of course, nobody will think to look under the table. Out of the MAC conference, LeFevour passed for two touchdowns, both over 30 yards, and ran for four, including three in the second quarter alone. LeFevour now has 45 rushing touchdowns in his possession, as well as the school's record. The NCAA has actually has certain rules against deceiving opponents by having players deliberately switching numbers or positions. They might want to head up to Mount Pleasant to investigate this one!

CMU staged an epically Fevourous rout of embattled Toledo. Source: Tim Fitzgerald, CMU Athletics.

...It Slices! It Dices! It makes Julienne Fries! We can't have a discussion about running backs who single-handedly run up the score without mentioning Ole Miss' Dexter McCluster, who ran for 282 yards and four scores against the Tennessee Volunteers. Where the heck were Tennessee's linebackers in this maddening, 25-point McClusterfarking in Mississippi? Second and One offers some suggestions:

a) Back in Tennessee

b) Georgia

c) In Louisiana, trying to stop the Saints

That's all for now, sports fans. Tomorrow: To the pros!

Week 4, as Promised.

This is the only time the Bears will be mentioned in this entry. There. Now that I've gotten it out of my system, I find it worth mentioning that first, I am four-for-four on last week's picks, and overall, 6.5/8.*

Without further ado, it's been a big week for news in the NFL.

***

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Despite his positively explosive start against Philadelphia and Detroit, Drew Brees has not thrown a touchdown pass in two weeks. Nonetheless, the New Orleans Scoring Machines continue to put up impressive stats as Pierre Thomas and ilk run all over opponents. Is it a dual run-pass threat (that makes the Saints very scary indeed), or is everyone so scared of Brees that the Pass Coverage Machine has been proverbially cranked up to eleven?

On the other hand, Brett Favre, with the completion of a very over-hyped Monday Night Football contest that drew the largest cable TV audience ever (ESPN), has now defeated every team in the league. Sports anchors everywhere touted Favre as the greatest quarterback ever! It's a Monday Night Favregasm! Favre-lous! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Favre has bested Aaron Rodgers in a revenge game! Poor, emo, sulktastic Aaron, always second behind BRETT FAVRE, who is almost 15 years older!

Not to editorialize, but the problem in Monday's game was NOT Aaron Rodgers. Statistically speaking, Rodgers outgained Favre in many categories. Favre threw for 271 yards, Rodgers for an astonishing 384, and Rodgers ran 16 yards compared to Favre's -2. On the season, Rodgers has thrown for over 200 yards more than his former teammate, and only has a QB rating of 3.6 points lower. 

After taking a pounding from the Vikes' D-line, Rodgers will spend his bye week sitting in Jake Delhomme-esque poses and alternating between in the Jacuzzi and in traction. Source: Newscom.

Where the Packers were deficient was on offensive line. Missing starting left tackle Chad Clifton, the O-line, including left guard Daryn Colledge, tried desperately to overcompensate and threw incomplete blocks. The line generally found itself unable to finish plays properly, and, in making these (temporally) short blocks, folded like a lawn chair repeatedly on passing downs. Rodgers was sacked eight times, 4.5 times alone by defensive hyper-end Jarred Allen. Favre, meanwhile, had the Great Wall of China in front of him. Whilst his monstrous O-line engaged the defenders (who were unable to get to him once), Favre found enough time to do anything he wanted to, including picking apart the Pack's secondary, answering his fan-mail, and crocheting several doilies. 

Keep in mind now that despite being folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield, Rodgers still managed to throw for almost 400 yards. Statistically speaking, who is the better quarterback?

This is Why You Go For It: In a dead heat between two Ohio teams, the Browns and Bengals were tied in overtime at 20-20 in a shootout.  The Bengals were 4th and 11 on the Cleveland 41, with only 1:04 left. Coach Lewis was content to punt for the tie, but Carson Palmer went ballistic on the sidelines, begging him to go for it, and on 4th down, he scrambled from the shotgun 15 yards for the first down, and a 31-yard field goal gave Cincinnati the win, as they moved to 3-1. Carson Palmer: Niiiiiice move. Coach Lewis: "Punt for the tie!?" What kind of psychology is this? You never settle for a tie. You try and win the game!! This is the same kind of poor, demoralizing coaching that gives rise to "kicking the field goal just to reduce the margin of defeat." What next? Running off the field squealing in admission of a loss? Unfortunately, I think this sort of psychology may bode ill for the Bengals in the future, unless Palmer has anything to say about it. 

Football/Politics Crossover: There has been a lot of gossip around the league about the ownership of the St. Louis Rams. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh announced Tuesday that he would be interested in going halvsies on the failing franchise with Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues.(The 670 Score) Second and One promises to always remain apolitical, as sports and politics are best not kept too close to each other (like politics and religion) but I am (editorializing again) not sure if this is a good idea just due to the polarization it will create amongst Rams players and fans alone. There is enough controversy in the league already over everything ranging from equipment sponsorships to Braylon Edwards' jibber-jabber with LeBron James. Some boiler-room discussion (for those who enjoy this sort of debate) can be found here. (St. Louis Today).

Or it could be terribly amusing. If Limbaugh buys the team, in addition to continued losing, we might get to see:

An increase in rush plays, exclusively to the right;

Tickets being sold only to the wealthiest 10% of the general public;

QB Marc Bulger interjecting mandatory Clinton-bashing into all postgame press-conferences;

And a new ability to purchase to purchase oxycontin at concession stands!

Amusing Announcing: During Monday night's Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre, the announcers screwed up multiple players' names, referring to kicker Mason Crosby as both "Nason Crosby" and "Sidney Crosby"**, the latter a combination of Crosby's name and that of Rookie Vikes WR Sidney Rice. In addition, Packers TE Jermichael Finley's first name was stumbled over repeatedly until he was eventually called "JaMarcus Finley." Second and One is awaiting the call from Jermichael Russell out in Oakland. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: As both Knox and Hester were injured early Sunday, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, suffered terribly at WR. Additionally, because I was playing that one guy who had Philip Rivers the week that Philip Rivers went all PHILIP RIVERS, the 'Nukes were handed their worst defeat of the season. I'm hoping to recover this week, following the "Start whoever plays Detroit/St. Louis/Kansas City/Tampa" rule, employing Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker (a gamble), and Sidney Rice (picked up on waivers), who not only looks to be breaking out as a receiver, but who also recovered two onside kicks on Monday Night.

Still nagging at me is the tight end decision. I had Kevin Boss in for Brent Celek on the bye week. Brent Celek has been burning up the scoreboard this season, as he is a favorite target of Eagles' backup Kevin Kolb. Statistically, I have been sitting on the league's best receiving tight end and didn't know it until this morning! However, as Donovan McRibb likely returns this week, nobody is sure whether he'll give a sniff to Celek, despite the latter's ability to score. Boss, on the other hand, may get more than his share of touches against an anemic Raiders defense. Ah, too many important decisions. 

And that's all for now. Remember kids: if you can't come up with anything witty to say, why even include this blurb? 

*The extra half-point is for calling the Pitt/Cincy skirmish "closer than one might think," despite getting the outcome wrong.

**Both brothers of Bing Crosby, apparently.

National Fail League

I hope everyone enjoyed kickoff on Thursday Night, it was a good game! In the spirit of fireworks and fanfares, I have compiled a list of NFL 2009 Firsts!

First Absolutely Spectacular Defensive Play: I am convinced that in his past life, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was a physicist. Polamalu had six tackles in the first half, including the first, where he flew out of the backfield to plaster RB Chris Johnson, demonstrating inertia (as in, what happens when a bug hits a freight train?) Other perfectly-executed Newtonian hits from the primary of the Steelers' secondary include that on the left, (c/o Yahoo), in which LenDale white regrets losing 40 lbs prior to this season. But Polamalu's antics hadn't ended there: at 1:50 remaining in the first quarter, Kerry Collins threw deep downfield, where Polamalu flew seemingly out of nowhere to make the pick with one hand, earning the titular honor.  You can see here (Ballhype) as Professor Polamalu demonstrates some fine calculation of trajectory. 

First Spectacular Defensive Fail: However, Polamalu's successes were short lived, as he then demonstrated two penalties, and on a later blocked kick by Rob Bironas, sprained his MCL and is estimated to be out for 4-6 weeks, proving that all players featured on the cover of a Madden Game are cursed. Other cursed players include Shaun Alexander, who broke his foot, Michael Vick, who went to the slammer, and Brett Favre, who now has to play for the Vikings, wear purple, and get laughed out of the dome. We're still waiting for the statement from Larry Fitzgerald. 

First Sick Sack: Roethlisburger, feeling pressure under center on a 3rd and 2, simply ran backwards, spun out of a few attempts, and was eventually drilled (NFL.com) by Jason Jones for a loss of 19 yards. The Titans sacked Big Ben three times (or was it four), prompting this question: If a quarterback is planted, will his intellect grow? 

First Announcing Faux Pas: Cris Collinsworth is proving that he opens his mouth only to change feet. For example, in the preseason Chicago/Denver contest, Collinsworth was mindlessly chatting about tight end Greg Olsen, his wife, and Jay Cutler, when he let slip a gaffe that turned on everyone's innuendo filter. You can watch it over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. (Warning: This is such a double entendre that it's practically a single entendre. Also, all of KSK is not safe for work or little ones!). On Thursday night, Collinsworth was at it again, stating that a given quarterback (if I remember correctly) had "gone inside the tight end." Whoops. What exactly had he meant? "Gone inside FOR the tight end?" Gone inside WITH the tight end? Why is it that everything dirty in football has to do with tight ends? I know. I'm twelve. But so is Collinsworth, and everyone watching him. Q.E.D.*

In a related topic, my friend Jess has asked me to comment on why it is that announcers get off on talking about things other than football during a football game (e.g. topical political humor, military nonsense, plugs for shows or movies). It's like those DirecTV commercials (or whoever): Santonio Holmes just pounded 'er into the end zone in some ridiculous fashion and got you 19 fantasy points, and you missed it because the announcers were yakking?! Second and One's straight answer: They do it for the same reason people chase people they have no intention of marrying, and the same reason why dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving: because they can. Perhaps the most interesting bit of commentator flotsam from the Steelers/Titans game: apparently LenDale white was able to lose weight by "going off tequila." And apparently, the San Diego DA's office has done the same for Shawne Merriman. (ESPN/AP). 

***

Finally, there is now a job opening for a groundskeeper at Soldier Field. (Deadspin) An auxiliary crew for our favorite Monsters of the Midway has hopefully not set a premonition for the 2009 season - by painting the team's logo on the 45-yard line instead of at standard midfield. Apparently the Bears hired these people (MIStupid). 

Or maybe these people. Fortunately, the Bears open at Lambeau field tomorrow and all embarrassment will come from the team itself.

Stay tuned for college ball updates!

*If anyone reading knows what was meant here, or whether "goes inside the tight end" is actually proper language (and I'm just grossly ignorant) - please tell me!