Futility!

The news breaks now that, amid a flurry of midseason coaching turnover, the Denver Broncos have booted out Josh McDaniels after approximately 1.75 seasons, citing both his abysmal record and allegations of cheating by videotaping the San Francisco 49ers at practice. (ESPN/AP). My comment on this is that at least Bill Belichick videotaped someone actually good at football.  

My mass spectroscopist and I (doing our usual routine of Monday morning quarterbacking) got into a discussion of which Coach is next on the hot seat. My vote: Jeff Fisher of the Titans. We hate to make fun of the Titans too much, but if you're 5-7, you haven't scored a touchdown in 13 quarters (and don't appear to be making progress on locating this "end zone," whatever that is), your team has legal and psychological issues, your defensive backfield has more punchouts than Manny Pacquiao, your quarterback is a nutcase, and Randy Moss can't even fix the problem, you're probably pretty well shafted.

Runner up: Marvin Lewis of the now historically awful Cincinnati Bengals, who suffer from whatever syndrome the Detroit Lions have which causes them to play for 48 minutes only (and additionally from whatever disease the Vikings have, which makes them awesome on paper but stinky trash in real life.)

Speaking of Detroit, the Bears are now 9-3 and I couldn't be happier. I'm hoping that the Bears meet the Saints in the playoffs (wild-card, anyone?), so that I can watch this game with my friend Catherine (occasional reader and Saints fan extraordinaire) - with me in Devin Hester's #23 and her in Drew Brees' #9. 

Monday Fallout

The news breaks today that, after a positively nightmarish 1-7 start, Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips has been given the boot. (ESPN Dallas). Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett has been named in his interim. The change comes less than 12 hours after the Cowboys were murdered on national TV by Green Bay in a 45-7 contest. I'm not sure firing Phillips was the right choice, but someone had to get canned for this fiasco because the last time such naughty and scandalous things happened to Cowboys, Brokeback Mountain won Oscars for it.

***

And now, here's an amazing bloop play that someone sent me earlier, c/o Driscoll Middle School. What is this, a fake timeout? an uncalled false start? The best trick play of the year has just been executed by...twelve year olds. See for yourself! 

To come later: a children's treasury of Truly Special Special Teams.

The Plot Thickens!

So it appears the Tennessee Titans have capitalized on the waiver wire and claimed Randy Moss. Hopefully they're trying to rebuild a receiving corps that plays inconsistently (and historically, secondarily to the Titans' ground game). They're often injured (now Kenny Britt is hurt on top of it) and have the general offensive cohesiveness of a bunch of guys that Jeff Fisher found playing catch in an abandoned lot in Nashville.

With this move, Moss joins a completely loco cast of characters who filled the headlines all summer long with their drama, legal woes, and (apparent) propensity for punching people.* Like any soap opera relationships, I give it about a year.  

In even more hilarious news, some people are speculating that the reason the Vikings released Moss was not due to on-field production, team chemistry, or the way he reacted to the media, but rather because of...catering. (USA Today) Reportedly, Moss did not like the food served at a Vikings post-practice buffet last Friday. So, my readers, suppose you play for the Vikings and get served something nasty, like dog food or maybe Sidney Rice's gimpy hip joint. What do you do?

(a) Don't eat it. Simple.

(b) Force yourself to eat a few bites to look like a good citizen. Image is everything, right?

(c) Launch into a profanity-filled diatribe at the catering company and completely mortify your teammates.

Guess which one Randy Moss did? A member of the Vikings staff allegedly told the head of the catering company that Moss threw similar tantrums "every time [the Vikings] had food." 

Note to self: do not invite Randy Moss to dinner. Mouth-watering picture courtesy of Nadia's Kitchen Online.

Other things of note from the Vikings dinner: Brett Favre rigorously avoided the weiners, Jared Allen tackled the waiter, and someone handed Adrian Peterson the gravy. Which he dropped. Everyone groaned.

More to come later.

*If you go to a party and someone on the Titans asks "did you try the punch?" make sure to duck.

Oh, the Drama!

Breaking News (c/o ESPN and NFL Network): Today, on All My Vikings, uber-disgruntled wideout Randy Moss has been waived by the Norsemen of the Apocalypse. The Vikings are reportedly frustrated with Moss' treatment of the media (refusing to speak to them despite being fined, general disrespect and snark) and have thus severed ties with them. Will Favre, and his smashed-up chin and gimpy ankle, be heartbroken? Will Randy be at last re-united with the love of his life, Tom Brady, or cut loose into the devastating wasteland of free agency? Stay tuned to find out!

***

This morning, boyfriend and I were driving to work, and he asked if November First was "All Saints' Day." Well, owing that their defense got me a lot of points in fantasy (even though I lost my game) and those folks in the black and gold pads (a) are still crazy fun to watch and (b) somehow turned Halloween in New Orleans into the biggest freak show this side of the Barnum and Bailey Circus, yes. I will answer that I do believe it is All Saints' Day. 

More Brevity

I don't have much time to write again. Started a new project at work. I presented at one symposium on Monday and am presenting at another next Thursday. I have a whole Word document full of interesting football stuff that will eventually make its way online before it becomes outdated.

In the mean time, the BCS computer is in critical condition before it's even been formally booted up. Some people are wondering what Michigan's doing in the rankings at all. Others wonder the same about Alabama. All's well in the NFL on the other hand. The Cowboys and Chargers are continuing to choke. Randy Moss reportedly cussed out a reporter after the Vikings failed on Monday Night Football. There's some scandal involving a buxom Jets assistant, two masseuses, and pictures of Brett Favre's junk. The Bears are continuing to shorten my life-span by winning in the ugliest way possible. You know, business as usual. 

In honor of the last part, I present: my current desktop wallpaper.

Oh jeez.

Yep. It's true. Just days after the Patriots won a game without Randy Moss catching a single pass, the Pats have shipped the disgruntled wideout back to Minnesota in return for a third-round draft pick. (ESPN Boston)

Good news for the Vikings, who find themselves desperately thin at the WR position. It's rumored that the Patriots are trying to acquire equally disgruntled wideout Vincent Jackson (now with bonus contract holdout!) from the San Diego Chargers. Another smart move, as V-Jax clearly isn't getting what he wants from the brass in San Diego and the Patriots need a deep ball threat, thus qualifying him to play in Foxboro. 

Meanwhile, after the Bears absolutely imploded against the Giants on Sunday Night (yours truly turned it off at halftime), they cut struggling defensive end Mark Anderson (who was a star as a rookie). In his stead, they picked up 32-year-old Charles Grant, who was cut by both the Saints and Dolphins, and most recently released by a UFL team. Which apparently qualifies him to play in Chicago. The sound you hear is my snarky little eyeballs rolling back in my head. 

No. Way.

I had to re-read this about five times. The Cincinnati Bengals have reached an agreement with Terrell Owens. (ESPN)

Let me re-iterate for those still slack-jawed in front of their computers.

The Cincinnati Bengals. Have reached. An agreement. With Terrell Owens.

Never mind the obvious questions about how TO fits into the offense, which receiver will be the odd man out, what Carson Palmer thinks about it, and whether or not this transaction will make the Bengals more than one-and-done in the playoffs next year (my answer: possible, if chemistry and egos don't get in the way): imagine the comedy when the two biggest characters to ever play a single position play on the same team! It's like it's made for reality TV! Wide receiver meetings will no longer be about which routes to run, but rather about which touchdown celebration will cause the biggest possible fine! They'll need a props closet in addition to an equipment closet!

My opinion: whatever floats their boat, I guess. I say if the Big Striped Cats really want to sell a product, that they ought to just sign Randy Moss and start the Three Stooges jokes earlier rather than later. 

That's all for now. Happy training camp, kiddies! Stay tuned for answers to all of our important training-camp questions! Why haven't the Rams signed Sam Bradford yet? Will Anthony Gonzalez actually get any playing time with the Colts this season? Is Favre coming back? Who will lose Mike Martz's game of Musical Tight Ends in Chicago? Who's starting at QB in Denver? In Buffalo? How about at RB for the Jets? Will the Titans find their second cornerback, or will Cortland Finnegan have to master the art of quantum superposition?* What are the Steelers doing without both Roethlisberger and Holmes? 

*Ok, so I need to explain this one with a mini-Soliloquy O' Science. Superposition is a principle in quantum physics that says that a body (or "particle") does not exist in one place or state, but rather, in all places or states at the same time. I think it also involves state vectors, and some guy named Heisenberg, but I lack the Dennis Miller-esque bravado to make this analogy work further. I'll just say that if any cornerback is capable of it, it's probably Finnegan. And maybe Darrelle Revis. 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Ok! The sports sites are all working again now (amazing what a computer reboot can do). I'm sitting in my living room sipping a cappuccino* and I feel like a real writer...so it's time for the six o' clock news.

The Bad: Perhaps the most cringeworthy story of the week was the news that Baltimore Ravens rookie LB Sergio Kindle (their top pick of the 2010 draft, out of Texas) has suffered a head injury. When someone sent me this story I thought "So? Football players sometimes suffer head injuries, that's the nature of the game" - until I read further. Kindle suffered a fractured skull as a result of a tumble he took down a flight of stairs, and is now out indefinitely for the Blackbirds. (NFL Fanhouse) Oh my gosh, this poor guy. The tragedy is honestly almost Greek in its essence as a linebacker is, in theory, an unbreakable human. It's not unlike the nosebleed that killed Attila the Hun. The only way I can imagine a worse turn of luck than this would have involved a dumpster at the bottom of the stairs filled with broken glass, or hydrochloric acid, or maybe angry Steelers fans or Ray Lewis' knife collection. 

Sergio Kindle - The only linebacker to lose a staring, erm, stairing contest. Get well soon, Serge! (Getty, NFL Fanhouse)

The Ugly: A slightly more unnerving story came out on ESPN yesterday. Heath inspectors across the country have released reports grading the concession stands at our favorite sports venues - with some truly nauseating results.(ESPN) I won't give all of the gory details, but inspectors found everything from inadequate water sources and mold and mildew to food stored at improper temperatures and employees who refused to wash their hands. While I've never gotten sick from food at any sporting event...it's just...ewww.** Around the NFL, some of the better venues included Gillette Stadium (reportedly immaculate), Lucas Oil Stadium (7% of vendors with something amiss) The Humphrey Metrodome (8% of vendors in violation), Soldier Field (12%), and the Louisiana Superdome (12%). Faring slightly worse were Reliant Stadium (26%), Paul Brown Stadium (31%), and McAfee Coliseum (34%). Heinz Field scored a gross 61%, proving that even though a stadium is named after a condiment, its employees may know nothing about food. LP Field, where the Titans play, had 62%, as if Titans fans need anything else to worry about. Detroit's Ford Field had a whopping 70% in violation, proving that it's not just their team that's totally disgusting. The worst stadiums were where the Dolphins and Bucs play (93% and 84%, and the Jaguars weren't far behind with 77%. Moral of the story: don't eat anything in Florida!

Here, $10 will get you a hotdog, a large Coke, and a side of explosive diarrhea. (ESeats.com)

The Good: We end on a happy note. Everyone knows about football guys who do bad things, go to jail, and get caught in notorious downward spirals. Just look at Michael Vick. He was cuffed on a dogfighting charge and it's been nothing but trouble since he got out. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday party. He had to miss his own charity golf tournament because his probation officer wouldn't let him travel. He filed for bankruptcy after he gave money to the lawyers defending the guys whose testimonies ultimately helped send him to the cooler. It's a big fiasco and some people are now crying fraud on top of it. (Yahoo Sports) It doesn't always work this way, however. Does anyone remember Maurice Clarett? The star running back from OSU who sued the league over their eligibility rules and lost, was drafted by the Broncos in '05, got into all sorts of trouble, was cut, and eventually ended up in prison for robbery? Yes, that guy. Well, he's turning over a proverbial new leaf and returning to finish college at his alma mater at the age of 26 (profootballtalk). Good for you, Maurice, and good luck. Thanks for giving me a little bit of faith in humanity today. 

Afterthought: I've officially joined my fantasy league for 2010! The notorious Fighting Nucleophiles are back for their third consecutive year!

To come in a few days: preseason rankings! And that's your world in football tonight. Reporting for Second and One, I'm MC. Have a great evening. 

*Yeah. It's the powdered stuff from General Foods. Who do I look like, Bill Simmons?

**It could be worse. One of my colleagues, a fellow from Argentina, went to a soccer game when he was young, ate something, and got food poisoning. Turned out it was hepatitis. Eesh. 

More Summer Extra Points

Posting will be limited for the next week or so - I'm on vacation. A bit of brevity first:

So, Giants LB Antonio Pierce (who was released in February) is announcing his retirement from football. Pierce, who played five seasons with the G-men and served as a defensive captain for three, is joining ESPN as an analyst, beginning this month. (ESPN) Good for him. It's nice to have some news that's not straight from the Scandal Sheet for once.

Maybe he should get a sitcom with Michael Strahan, or be in the Subway commercials with Justin Tuck as well? (Brassbonanzatime, original source unknown)

Continuing with this off-season's plethora of bad news, USC (who was #1 on Second and One's recent list of Teams Who Are Utterly And Completely Screwed) can no longer be ranked this season in the USA Today Coaches' Poll due to the heavy sanctions imposed by the NCAA. Ouch! USC plans to appeal this decision, however.(ESPN LA)

And now to the idiocy! Did anyone hear about JaMarcus Russell and the cough syrup? Russell was recently arrested in Alabama for possession of codeine syrup, which is a controlled substance that one needs a prescription for (if I recall correctly).  Russell was cuffed as part of a two-month undercover investigation which could possibly lead to more arrests. According to authorities, codeine syrup is sometimes mixed with soda to make a concoction called "sip-sip", "lean", "purple drank", or "sizzurp," terms popular in southern hip-hop culture. (Blog.al.com, Yahoo Sports, Wikipedia, darn near everywhere else). Supposedly, the stuff slows your reflexes, and makes you stumbling and euphoric (mini-Soliloquy O' Science: Codeine is an opiate, in the same family as heroin and morphine, and they generally all do the same thing to you, although codeine tends to be much less addictive). I don't know. To me, mixing cough syrup with anything and slurping it recreationally sounds like a pretty bad idea, but so does playing for the Raiders, so who am I to judge?

More to come when I get to it. 

Bad Psychology Addendum, 2

Texas and (Ch)Oklahoma have elected to stay put in the Big 12. Nonetheless, interconference shenanigans are still ongoing - The Pac-10 11 12 has extended an offer to Utah, who has all but accepted. (Deseret News). The Utes are apparently a nomadic tribe, now moving into the sixth conference they've been in. 

A University of Utah alum (read as: one of my sports-crazed colleagues) expressed borderline violence when he learned of the news, and called Utah's move "traitorous," as it breaks up the school's biggest rivalry - with BYU. Additionally, the president of the University of Utah is a BYU alum, and the president of Brigham Young University is a Utah alum. With all of this information in hand, I will jump on the bandwagon: What are they thinking?!

Bad Psychology Addendum:

In light of the last post's #3 entry: It's not happening. News breaks today that MSU head coach Tom Izzo is staying at MSU, (ESPN), and there will be no purple Kool-Aid-style mass suicide in East Lansing, MI. 

More to come later that's actually about football. 

Crime and Punishment

Good heavens, there's a lot of spicy, juicy news this week. I figured since I'm home sick from work for the third time this year (because apparently my immune system's defense is only slightly better than the Cleveland Browns' defense), that a second theme-post ("Crime and Punishment") is in order (as I make Leo Tolstoy spin so fast in his grave that we could use his remains as a turbine engine).

First order of business. Pro Football Hall of Fame linebacker and former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor has been arrested for the alleged solicitation and rape of a 16-year old runaway girl, who may or may not have been a prostitute (ESPN).* Oi vey. According to the gory reports, 51-year-old Taylor arranged a meeting at a hotel with the girl through a middleman (who has since been arrested for sex trafficking), and allegedly payed her $300 for her, uh, services. Since the girl is under the age of consent in New York (which I believe is 17), it's third-degree rape. Whoah, that's a hard story to swallow at about 9AM when you're recovering from a nasty cold, and I really don't know what to say about it other than Taylor should be ashamed of himself if it's true and I hope someone helps the young lady in question. This is not Taylor's first run-in with the law, his prior arrests coming from possession of drug and drug paraphernalia and tax fraud and evasion. Because what man doesn't want to keep every penny he earns to blow it on, well, blow?

***

In other news, it looks like we may have some fallen Saints on our hands...or maybe not. Supposedly, head coach Sean Payton and another coach are accused of stealing Vicodin from the team's medicine chest. I'm having a hard time following this story, which Deadspin describes as "potentially scandalous, potentially frivolous"). Reportedly, one coach (and Payton as well) were prescribed the narcotic, and the other coach got to abusing it and stealing tons of pills from the cabinet, and a former security guard (and also FBI agent) blew the whistle, claiming he was ordered by Saints GM Mickey Loomis to cover up the scandal. Supposedly there are NFL audits, secret microphones, two million dollars, and videotape involved, and someone's been talking to the DEA, who doesn't seem to care all that much about some guy stealing some other guy's pills, even if they won the Super Bowl. (ESPN)

"What should we steal next?" "Hmm, I don't know. How about Drew Brees' birthmark?" Source: exposay.com via Deadspin - I don't normally take pictures from the same article I cite, but the picture just goes with the caption too darn well. 

***

It's official - The Raiders have released JaMarcus Russell, a former first-round-pick overall out of LSU, making him one of the biggest draft busts of all time, as Russell only won 7 of the 25 games he started and will still cost them 39 million dollars. (NFL) I'm not sure what Russell's problem was beyond the descriptors of him being everything from lazy and overweight to unproductive and difficult to work with. I thought to begin with that his SEC-style of play wouldn't be a good fit for the Raiders' more traditional offense. Nonetheless I'm sure the total bummer and outright bad psychology that is a franchise that's had seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses can also mess with the head of a 21 (22?)-year-old rookie. When I think back to being that age, I probably wouldn't have wanted to play for the Raiders either.

Who wants to play where these guys scream at you all game? Who are the two with the KISS-makeup, Road Warrior Animal and his son?** Source: akgroom.wordpress.com, original photographer unknown; and some random wrestling site.

***

I'll end this entry on a positive note. Last Monday, myself and a group of random crazy scientists (read as: my friends and colleagues), decided to play flag football out on one of the many grassy fields around the Large University Where I Work instead of slaving away at our research. It was a beautiful day even though my team lost. My dad later asked me what position I played and whether I definitively enjoyed playing offense or defense more, and I definitively have an answer. 

So I was sitting with a group of people on a Saturday night a couple years back, just drinking beer and watching college games, and we got around to the hypothetical "what position would you play?" question. People had a hard time placing me until someone piped up, "you'd be a wide receiver because you're tall" and everyone leapt on the proverbial bandwagon. Well, erm, ok, this would be a spot-on statement, except for one little (and maybe sort of important) fact. I can't catch. I'm absolutely horrible on offense beyond simply being a decoy to draw coverage because I couldn't hold onto a football if it were duct-taped to my hands. I'm more than just gauche and cartoony; I'm the special-ed child of Jake Delhomme and Adrian Peterson eating a Butterfinger bar on New Years' Eve, which is probably the ball-droppiest of all the holidays. Now, let's couple this with the statement of a guy in my department who always insists that all cornerbacks are just really lousy wideouts, and you've got my answer. I like playing defensive back. I can't catch, but I love chasing and getting in the way of people who actually can. As the head of my research group told me before said game, "get out there and knock somebody over already." 

Remember kids: If your hat has three corners, it sure as heck ain't playing cover-2. 

*Those so inclined may make the "NOT Dez Bryant's mom" joke now. You know you want to. Get it out of your system. 

**Ironically enough, the real Road Warrior Animal's son actually plays for the Rams. For real, although I wouldn't want to play there either.

...April Madness?

First, the housekeeping news. The spamming/porn-bombing failed to cease after my last threat note on this. In fact, it seems to have increased exponentially. Therefore, I have permanently hidden the comments section. Sorry to anyone this might inconvenience.

Now, onto the sports! First, I was tenth in my bracket pool this year (out of 15). All in all a rather lackluster finish, even in a year where everyone flunked at brackets. Congrats to the boys over at Duke on their win. I love these "Cinderella stories," so I was rooting for Butler (and watching every youtube video that consisted of concentrated anti-Duke rhetoric, which in turn consisted of mostly invoking Godwin's Law on Duke's Coach, whose last name has two vowels and approximately seventeen consonants. But I digress). Alas, the bulldogs were outplayed (especially with regard to shooting field goals), despite their sheer ability to hang in there. I suppose the good thing about this is that a (comparatively) microscopic school like Butler gets more exposure. According to Wikipedia, Butler was founded originally as a Christian college by Ovid Butler, an abolitionist lawyer. They're a private liberal arts college of about 4,000 students, located approximately six miles outside of Indianapolis.(Wikipedia) Huh. Who knew? 

In other news, the Rams released QB Marc Bulger yesterday, leading to an increase in the Sam Bradford Draft Rumors, and if not, leaving Kyle Boller to steer St. Louis' ship o' suckage for a while (ESPN). Several other teams, including the Steelers and Bears, have expressed interest in Bulger as possible "Quarterback Insurance," which would not be a bad idea for either team if we're operating under the principle that if one's shiny sports car breaks down you can always start up the beater in the garage.   

If anyone who may be reading hasn't heard, Donovan McNabb, who has been the face of the Eagles since, uh, erm, I can remember, has been traded to the Washington Redskins for one draft pick this year and one next year. Ok. Close your eyes and picture this. Poor Donny McNabb on the same team as Rex Grossman, a porous offensive line, and the people whom, last season, engineered some of the world's worst and most absurd trick plays. I don't know what's going to be more hilarious to watch in the coming year: the Redskins or Capitol Hill. The Eagles now have Kevin Kolb (and Michael Vick) at the helm, and the fantasy stock of Kolb's unquestioned favorite target - TE Brent "Scores Six Frajillion Points The Moment You Bench Him" Celek - just went through the ceiling and onto the roof.

I'm sorry. I can see Shanahan dressed as a clown, Andy Reid in an evening gown, and both of them getting married in the gazebo in this picture before I can see McNabb in anyone's colors except Philly's. Source: Sports.popcrunch.com

Finally, Cleveland Browns' nose tackle Shaun Rogers is facing concealed weapons charges for trying to bring a loaded gun onto an airplane (ESPN, AP). Rogers claims he is innocent, and that he "did not know the gun was in his bag." For ordinary people, I might say this is a load of beans (as in, you generally know if you have your gun or not, people!) but for Rogers, this actually might fly (no pun intended.) Shaun Rogers, who is 350 lbs and topped out at approximately 390 when he played for Detroit, likely needs a suitcase the size of a bus to accommodate his pads, clothing, and enough food to feed a small city. It seems a game of Where's Waldo would likely be easier than even finding a gun in all of that!

That's all for now. What is it, three weeks until draft day?

March Madness 2010

I can finally write a comprehensive entry! Things are humming along smoothly at work now that my magnum opus article has been submitted for review.

So it's official. With Syracuse blowing it against Butler last night, my bracket (which looked to be a pretty good one) is now simply a collection of teams who've lost. The fruits of my failed labor can be seen here, along with a bunch of people I went to grad school with, if you're so inclined. Warning: we really suck at basketball stuff!

Speaking of such matters, there was a story about a 17-year old autistic teenager in Chicago who apparently had a perfect bracket through the first and second rounds of the tournament (NBC Chicago). As he picked 'Cuse to win, however, now apparently nobody in the country has a perfect record. At least this kid still has a B+ in bracketology while the rest of us are wearing a collective dunce cap. 2010's tournament insanity (which my friend Eric, football fan and avid reader, firmly declares happens "every three years or so") has caused me to add a new term to my list of definitions for various stroke-inducing games in the Bouncy Bouncy Sport: a Bracket Buster. 

Will #4 Purdue vs. another #1 seed be like Moulin Rouge, where the ideals of Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love dictate that the Duke loses at the end? Source: someone's flickr account I found on Google. Nice picture, don't sue me even though the pun was bad, k?

A bracket buster is any game that fits the definition of a sniper kill, but where the disparity in seeding is especially dramatic. Generally, one of these games involves a #1 or 2 seed that everyone picked to make the Final Four being smoked by someone seeded below #5. Kansas losing to #9 Northern Iowa in the second round this year is a Bracket Buster. St. Mary's (#10) shooting down #2 Villanova would also qualify. If you've put a lot of money on a Bracket Buster game only to see the Busted team get subsequently smashed through the floor, odds are you've probably gone ballistic and will soon be appearing in a very different kind of court. 

***

Moving from the court onto the field, everyone's heard the news: LT is now a jet after their bizarre release of Thomas Jones, and the Bears acquired Chester Taylor, Julius Peppers, That Safety From the Colts, and That Tight End Whose Last Name I Can't Pronounce, leading to rumors that OC Mike Martz wants to trade Greg Olsen for a high draft pick, which is arguably the dumbest trade ever, because you don't know what the draft's going to be like and the team needs everyone they've got to act as a receiver. Mike Martz, if you read this: Trading Olsen for anyone is like trading a computer for a bag of sand. You can't really do anything with sand, but you can clobber someone on the head with it if they do something stupid. Additionally, rumors are swirling around the the Eagles are interested in trading Donovan McNabb, who would like to play for the Vikings. (NFL.com) Of course, nobody knows what Brett Favre is doing, which complicates the equation as usual. And then we've got Brady Quinn being traded to the Broncos (dumb), the Browns signing Jake Delhomme (dumber), and the Bears cutting CB Nathan Vasher - only after giving him a huge roster bonus (dumbest) - what is this, the NFL equivalent of a severance package?

And then there are the new postseason overtime rules! (Chicago Tribune) The NFL voted earlier this week to change the rules so that, in the playoffs, if a game goes to overtime, that the receiving team must score a touchdown in order to win - no kicking for three, and none of these not-shanking sinks the ship shenanigans. Of course, if a team fails to score and is forced to punt, or turns the ball over somehow, the opponent can still win with a field goal. Most teams are in support of the new rules. Up next on the NFL's legislative block: Alliterations in football blogs: clever commentary, or groan-inducing gimmicks?

And then there's Ben Roethlisberger. According to the sports buzz, there are allegations Big Ben assaulted a woman at a Georgia nightclub. Now it's turned into a huge scandal of sex, lies, and (apparently) videotape. (ESPN) Some wonder how much trouble this is actually causing for the Steelers, who have signed backup QB Charlie Batch to a 2-year extension, and it's raising a lot of questions about what exactly happened (ie, an actual incident vs. someone out for money vs. hearsay vs. he said-she said vs. some massive conspiracy involving the League Commissioner, etc). Of course, I wasn't there, and I'm not Roethlisberger/the plaintiff/a lawyer on this case, so I'll maintain neutrality, just like I do in politics, where I sit and listen to both sides of the story and, after feebly offering my opinion, eventually argue that because I'm not a member of congress, I should not be forced to debate healthcare reform or immigration or whether or not college football should be on a playoff system. 

I conclude this with a personal anecdote. Because of parking difficulties at the Large University Where I Work, I had to park in some obscene place earlier this week (on March 24th), and walk to work. Upon walking home at 5:30 PM past the practice fields, I observed the football team, dressed in their finest display of our school colors, literally kicking off spring practice as they booted field goals and extra points through the uprights. Folks: only about 5 months until we kick off for real, and only 27 days until the draft!

Playoff Insanity

A break in the madness! (read as, "a weekend") Time to update!

Truly Special Special Teams: In a wild card game, down by seven and facing 4th and 4 on the Big Striped Cats' 24-yard line, the New York Who Turned On The Jets lined up for a 42 yard field goal, which Jay Feely made easily. A holding penalty then nullified the attempt, moving Feely back ten yards. The J-men then decided to try the fire-drill anyway, but a false start promptly blew the play dead. The Jets then punted. D'oh! In other news, after the punt, Rex Ryan promptly ate the two penalized linemen on the sidelines. 

That's a Penalty? In other Jets news, the Chargers lost, plagued by slop, error, and general bye-week-itis. The referees flagged the Dead Batteries for an offensive penalty, citing number 87 as the perpetrator. Said team did not have a number 87 playing that day, which the announcers were quick to point out. A technical non-penalty?

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During the Cowboys wild-card blowout beatdown good sport with the Eagles, a particularly good play to Cowboys rookie wideout Miles Austin was described as "Austin-tatious." Also, one announcer asked another "What do you call the play where you run around the end to the quarterback?" before pausing and quipping "I call it a sack." 

The Joke Writes Itself: Ravens-Patriots. I didn't see this game, but it can best be summarized by the following statement: "What do you call it when a team with no offense plays a team with no defense?" My buddy Eric, football fan and avid reader, stated the following answer rather dryly, "A nap." 

Ridiculously Sick Play of the Week: In the Saints' roasting reaming routing friendly contest with the Arizona Cardinals, Drew Brees faked a handoff to RB Pierre Thomas, who tossed the ball back to Brees, who bombed deep to Devery Henderson for 44 yards and the score. (fansided) The sleepwalking Redbirds were reduced to a pile of feathers and bad feelings by halftime. It's official: the Scoring Machines, if properly fueled, are unstoppable. In other news: water is wet, and you shouldn't eat too much pizza or you'll clog your arteries.

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: In the Cowboys-Eagles game, a whopping 228 penalty yards were committed between the two teams - an NFL postseason record. After yet another yellow flag flew, Cris Collinsworth mused, "Ed Hochuli and crew will go shopping for whistles tomorrow." 

Yes, this is a real product. Cowboys tickets: $150. The Cowboys umbrella: $35. Getting to see the Cowboys fold either way? Priceless. Source: Amazon.com

Who Doth Postpone the December Swoon? The Collapse-Boys are back! Up against the Vikings Front Four (who are probably better known as "The Purple People Eaters," or maybe "The Maul of America")* the Cowboys rolled over and died. The Land of 10,000 Sacks, well, sacked Tony Romo six times, on three of which he fumbled, and two of which he lost. Was Jessica Simpson up in the press box with Prince? (UPI) 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 1: On this past Sunday, January 17th, Bears DE Gaines Adams #99 passed away in his native state of South Carolina. A former star at Clemson and for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where he was the #4 draft pick in 2007), Adams reportedly died from cardiac arrest due to an enlarged heart. Drugs and/or foul play are not suspected. He was 26 years old, and was traded to the Bears early in the 2009 season, where he played in 10 games, including against the Lions. More can be read in the Chicago Tribune. 

Normally I don't think emoticons and symbols are proper for a blog journalistic endeavor such as this, but Second and One leaves a flower - Be at Peace, Gaines - Chicago hardly ever knew you. ~'~,~'~<@ 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 2: To add to the defensive line problems, Bears nose tackle/defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek, who has had more injuries than a child playing in traffic, was recently arrested and charged with a variety of unpleasant things, including battery, after a fight in Oklahoma (The Tribbie) No, Dusty! You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to assault people ON the field, not off it! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 3: In the wild-card Showdown at OK Corral between the Green Bay Packers and the Arizona (Later) Folded Like a House of Cards, an announcer remarked (as both teams took the field for overtime), "Good thing we're not playing by college rules, or this night might never end." 

This is all for now. Remember kids: Confucius says Bears who lose because of interception-happy QB are said to have been "deep sixed." 

*Other terms I've heard to refer to these four gentlemen: Purple Pain, Purple Reign, Third and Ouch, the Four Norseman of the Apocalypse, Shock and AWWE (for Allen, Williams, Williams, and Edwards) 

Extra Points, Part III

I haven't written a comprehensive entry in several weeks. So: here is hodgepodge of NFL weeks 13-15 and some bonus college content.

Sour as Sour Patch Kids: Second and One officially petitions the Valero Alamo Bowl to change its name to the Everyone Is Suspended Bowl. Just weeks after Michigan State announced the dismissal of two players and the suspension of another eight nine ten, the Texas Tech Red Raiders (whom the Spartans are playing in said bowl) announced the suspension of head coach Mike Leach over allegations that he locked an injured wide receiver in an electrical closet for hours on end. (ESPN)* To say the very least, the accusations are shocking. With the collective crimes committed by these two teams, they should have instead played in the Detroit Big Three Bailout Motor City Pizza Pizza Bowl: I noted earlier that Detroit is still the country's most violent city. 

Completely Sick Play of the Week: In the Bears' glorious, heinously nail-bitey overtime upset of the NFC North-leading Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres, Jay Cutler, on the first snap of the Bears' third overtime possession, passed deep right against the blitz to Devin Aromashodu for 39 yards and the game-winning score. Aromashodu (also known as "that guy nobody wanted, probably because his name is too hard to pronounce") had veteran Pro Bowl corner Antoine Winfield beat by at least three yards on the final play - the safeties were nowhere to be found in the picture. This game gave me (and my father) approximately six different kinds of heart attack. 

And this happens every year! I come home for Christmas, and the first Bears game we watch (as we didn't get the depressing Baltimore contest due to bad weather and overlapping market rules) almost always requires the usage of an emergency defibrillator. Last year it was the Bears/Packers showdown, where the Bears played atrociously but blocked two field goals and still won the game, and the year before it was a similar contest, complete with Brian Urlacher intercepting a pass, running it back 93 yards to the house, and then keeling over in the end zone and needing oxygen - does anyone remember this?! 

More holiday capitalism: Yes. This is a real product. Vikes tickets: $150. The Vikings folding chair: $60. Getting to see Minnesota collapsing either way: Priceless. Source: sportsauthority.

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During halftime on Monday Night, Chris Berman reviewed the Colts' decision to rest Peyton Manning and friends, who were forced to simmer on the sidelines as rookie backup QB Curtis Painter fumbled away the game. "He's no Rembrandt!" Breman remarked, "More like a finger painter!" More notorious puns from notable names: Fox announcers, in talking about Tampa Bay return man Michael Spurlock's 106-yard kickoff return, felt the need to distinguish him from Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Just before recess in the Redskins/Giants contest, the 'Skins were trailing by 24 points. There are two seconds on the clock before the break. You are Jim Zorn; what do you do?

a) Try and get the ball in the end zone at all cost, even if you are are 4th and 60 and the attempt might fail horribly.

b) Be conservative - kick for three to avoid being shut out at halftime;

c) Look through your playbook, find the trick play that has the greatest chance of embarrassing your team, that one play that everyone and their cat knows will fail - and try it anyway and hope you still have your job by the end of the game?

The Redskins lined up for a field goal, and it became very evident that there was trickery afoot when one half of the offensive line whipped outside in a "swinging gate" formation, leaving punter Hunter Smith to stand under center. This formation is sometimes used for two-point conversions (if I remember correctly), because if it blows up, a lineman can take a handoff. The G-men smelled foul play and called a timeout. Washington came out and promptly ran the same fake again. We knew everything in Washington is bumbling and inefficient, but what, they didn't think Big Blue would be prepared for it? End result? Smith heave-hoed the ball into a gaggle of Giants, where it was intercepted and run back to midfield. Oi vey. (youtube) 

Messiest Series Ever, Bonus Bowl Edition: The University of North Carolina Tar Heels, squaring off against the Pitt Panthers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, were first and goal on the five in the first quarter. The 'Heels then committed two consecutive illegal formation penalties, one of which negated a touchdown pass because one of the tight ends did not line up on the line of scrimmage. After a short pass play, UNC faced second-and goal from the Pitt 7, when QB T.J. Yates was flushed from the pocket and nailed. At the last second, he tossed the ball forward, which did not make it to the line, and the 'Heels were backed up another 8 yards for intentional grounding. Now third and goal on the 15 and eager to avenge their frustrating series, Yates heaved the ball to Greg Little for the touchdown. Little, in his celebrations, punted the ball into the stands and was immediately flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Aye caramba! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: During the Redskins/Giants blowout on MNF in Week 14, you could almost hear the men in the booth wince as Giants pass-rushers blew through the Native Americans' porous offensive line and repeatedly pounded Jason Campbell to the turf. "These are not sacks," one announcer quipped, "these are car wrecks."

Confucius says: Redskins QB who is pummeled repeatedly becomes Campbell's soup. Source: Macon Daily, Reuters.

Obligatory (Last) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It did not end well. After I staged six (seven?) consecutive nucleophilic attacks, my league commissioner (whose identity remains secret, or is perhaps just a very complicated semi-stochastic algorithm) snubbed the 9-5 Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, out of the playoffs. I won't get into my suitably acrimonious and slanderous collection o' theories for why this happened, but ahead of me was seeded an 8-6 team (whom I defeated), and a girl who was 9-5, whom I swept soundly in divisional play. Of course, as FFB is part luck, whining about this is as effective as whining about losing in poker - it happens, and there's not a darn thing anyone can do. Not all was lost, however: The Nukes finished with a convincing winning record, and, with the second most-difficult schedule in our uber-deep league, finished tied for first in divisional records (I was 5-1 in my division, people!) and tied for third in power rankings. Plus, had I made the playoffs, I likely would have blown it in the opening round when I started the wrong tight end. Or something. 

Remember kids: Confucius says: Vikes who lose to Jay Cutler have been deep-sixed. 

*EDIT: 3:10 PM. Sources now confirm that Leach has been fired, and now there is talk of lawsuits. It just keeps getting better. 

Extra Points, Part I

As the annual December Craziness continues, posting will remain limited. Nonetheless, here is our week 13/miscellaneous round-up!

That's a Penalty? In the first half of Saturday's first-class Cincy/Pitt shootout, upbeat music played between every down at Heinz field. The Bearcats, however, couldn't find any rhythm, and trailed by 21 points late in the first half. There was some speculation that the extra noise was interfering with the Bearcats' play-calling, and at the half, an official told head coach Dave Wannstedt that unless the Panthers pulled the plug on the techno tunes they would garner a penalty. You can penalize someone for playing music during a game? I mean, I can understand how if Pitt wheeled in a road sign with one of those blinking arrows, faced it away from their end zone, and chanted "this way, you fools!" for sixty minutes, that it might get officials scratching their heads, but did the relative silence after the half really allow Cincy to come from behind and win by a single point? 

Totally Sick Play: The annual Cowboys Collapse has begun! While the Chargers are hotter than a blast furnace, Dallas has begun its December decline. Big Blue power-back Brandon Jacobs caught a short pass from Eli Manning...and ran 74 yards for a touchdown, during most of which he was completely untouched. Bonus Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Brandon Jacobs can't stand the Cowboys, saying "I've been hating Dallas ever since I knew anything about football." Well, congrats, Mr. Jacobs. You get the honor of making this week's Totally Sick Play!

Why is This News Again?: In fashion news, Seattle head coach Jim Mora has announced that the Sea Birds will be retiring their radioactive-green jerseys. (Seattle PI) Coach Mora's reason: they didn't win while wearing them against the Bears in week 2. No, really. This is fine reasoning: you don't want to wear the outfit you lost in again. Although looking at the Seahawks' season, this logic also dictates they should be playing in their underwear right about now. 

If you look like vegetables, you will play like vegetables. Source: Otto Greule Jr., Getty Images.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Against Big Red, Brett Favre passed for 275 yards, 2 scores, and two picks. The Vikings lost. Linebacker E.J. Henderson is out for the season, and Kurt Warner's offensive line kept him off of his back all night in a game that my friend Eric (a football fan and avid reader) described as the "showdown in the geriatric ward." In the Saints' coup de grace of the Redskins, Drew Brees torched the Skins' high-rated secondary, where he passed for an astounding 419 yards, two scores and one INT, leading the Scoring Machines on an 80-yard drive in thirty-three seconds to win, in overtime, a game in which they never held a lead. Good Gravy, we knew the Saints were going to win, and we knew everything in Washington DC was inefficient, but how can the Redskins miss a 23-yard field goal? Current theories range from endemic kicker headcasery to divine intervention.

Sour as The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (And the Christmas Bowl): The Michigan State Spartans will be playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl on January 2nd of next year. You know, a bowl game, where you're supposed to have all of your starters and be playing for the glory and honor of your school? The State Screwed-Sideways Spartans just charged nine players in connection with the fraternity fracas in November (ESPN, Big Ten Blog). The charges: multiple assault and battery, conspiracy to commit assault and battery (a misdemeanor), and a tenth was just suspended and charged with a minor in possession and public urination - it just gets worse! (Detroit Free Press) Head coach Mark Dantonio, no doubt embarrassed, remarked to the press that "Our football program has been disappointed before, and we will rise above this." Someone needs to inform Mr. Dantonio that it's hard to stop the soup from hitting the fan if you can't turn the fan off. 

Truly Special Special Teams: against the anemic Rams, the Blundering Bears were up by 10, and were facing a 4th-and-4 situation on the Lambs' 10-yard line just before the half. Why not kick for three to make things a little trickier for your opponent? The Bears instead attempted a fake field goal, in which punter Brad Maynard tossed a shovel pass to TE Greg Olsen, the only player who St. Louis had figured out all day. Olsen was clobbered immediately for no gain, and the Rams took over on downs and marched the other way to avoid being shut out at recess. What kind of play is this?! 

a) There are better ways to get four yards than a shovel pass from your punter on a fake*;

b) Why are you even trying the fake against a 1-10 team, at home, while already up by ten points? Second and One got ahold of the Bears' playbook, and on the page immediately following the entry for "random fake" found this (vide infra), and promptly drew it up on the Whiteboard O' Wisdom:

On the next page: the play where Jay Cutler throws the ball into the stands simply "because he feels like it."

That is a Penalty!: In Monday night's gritty Packers/Ravens contest, a combined seven turnovers and 310 yards of penalties were committed, making it the dirtiest game since frat-house mud-wrestling went out of style. Baltimore committed five pass interference penalties, and now have committed 13 on the season, leading the league in slop and hand-waving. Second and One asks the following thought question: Q. Why can't you hear Ravens games on the radio? A. Because there is too much interference!

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Rodgers rammed the Ravens. Welker Wailed at Miami. Holmes was Hot. Addai Addled the Titans. Brandon Jacobs went off like a nuclear test site. Even Sidney Rice caught a few yards. Against my league's winningest coach, an attack of positively historic proportions was staged by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One. With this, the 'Nukies move to 8-5, and this coming weekend determines whether the postseason will be looking nucleophilic! Bonus Fun Fantasy Fact: it did not matter who I started at tight end: their scores were equal. 

Part 2 of Extra Points to come later!

*Fullback screen. Power-rush. QB draw. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

There will be no posting for the remainder of the week due to the long weekend. Ahh, Thanksgiving. Food, family, friends, football! So, as everything this week is supposed to be tasty, I present some bite-sized bullets.

Another One Bites The Dust: LSU (#8), Wisconsin (#16), and Stanford (#17) all lost - by a combined 10 points. Gee golly Jeepers, some people are angry now!

And for Dessert...: Against teams with a combined record of 22-33, Florida (#1), Alabama (#2), Texas (#3), TCU (#4), and Boise State (#6) won - by a combined 201 points. Why are we having cupcake week at the end of November, again? 

Does it Get Any More Perfect?: There are 21 seniors playing for the schizophrenic Purdue Boilermakers. On Saturday, senior QB Joey Elliot's last pass as a Boilermaker was a touchdown. Senior CB David Pender's last play was a fumble recovery. Both of these plays came against school arch-rival IU in a heavily anticipated trophy match. Needless to say, Purdue won, ended on a high note, and left IU's colors crimson and creamed. Fun Fact: this season, the Boilermakers were 21 points away from being 10-2 instead of 5-7. 

Against the Purdue Bipolar Patients, the Indiana Loosiers kicked the bucket yet again. Source: AP, Tom Strattman.

Amusing Announcing, Part the First: At the start of said Purdue/IU contest, Big Ten Network announcers boldly declared that said rivalry had "spanned three centuries." Second and One deftly notes that Indiana University was founded in 1820, and Purdue University in 1869. As further research indicates that the term "Boilermaker" was first used (in connection with Purdue football) in 1889, the rivalry is at most about 120 years old. Please, announcers! Read the history books before openin' yer traps!

Does it Get Any More Sour?: The Michigan State Spartans, who are bowl-eligible yet again, lost last week by 28 points to out-of-state rival Penn State, who keeps the Land Grant Trophy and moves towards a possible BCS bowl bid. The Detroit News now announces that two Spartan players, RB Glenn Winston and FS Roderick Jenrette, have been dismissed from the team for violating team rules, possibly related to a gigantic brawl on MSU's campus that followed a frat party. (Detroit News) This is Winston's second run-in with the law, the first coming in fall of 2008. Winston and Jenrette - You are, as ESPN might say, the Turkeys of the Year.

Fresh from the Bakery, Delicious Thanksgiving Edition: Against Ohio State, Michigan Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier began the game by fumbling in his own end zone - and it just got worse. Forcier threw four interceptions on Saturday afternoon, and spent most of the day sulking on the bench and watching the Michigan defense chasing Terrelle Pryor around the field. Coach Rodriguez, what the heck's happened to Michigan?!

Truly Special Special Teams: With about six minutes left, after two incomplete passes by Vince Young, the Tennessee Not-So-Burnt-Toast lined up to punt the ball back to Houston...or did they? The ensuing fake and run gained the first down, but not before the punting unit was called late for delay of game. End result: a real punt. D'oh! 

Nice Play From the Backfield: In the depressing Bears-Eagles contest, Chicago WR Devin Hester dived for a ball overthrown by Jay Cutler. Eagles corner Asante Samuel reached out to stop him, and instead grabbed the waistband of Hester's pants from behind, revealing his - how should I put this - better assets (TV by the numbers. Warning: Not Safe For Work!) Other headlines Second and One considered for the uniform malfunction: The Play Was a Naked Reverse, Bears are Butt of Everyone's Jokes, Ass Interference, Bare Down, Full Moon Over Soldier Field, and the obligatory Chicago Unveils New Tight End. 

Amusing Announcing, Part the Second: During Monday Night Football's Fastest Three Minutes, ESPN's Chris Berman referred to the Kansas City Chiefs as "the killer tomato cans." Would this make the upset Steelers, then, effectively canned?

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: For the second time this season, Houston Texans kicker Kris Brown missed a game-tying field goal. The first time was against Indianapolis. Fun Fact: In both games, the final score was 20-17. Statistic O' Suckage: Despite existing for 8 years, the Houston Cattle Ranch has never made a postseason appearance, and has never had a winning season.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford!  Against Cleveland, Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford won the game by throwing a touchdown pass, on an untimed down, with the clock at 00.00, while injured and in obvious pain! On the day, Stafford's pass completion percentage was about 60.5%, but he threw for 422 yards, 5 TDs, and 2 interceptions. Not bad for a 21-year-old in Detroit these days.

Who would have thought that the most exciting game of the week would come between two teams with a combined record of 2-16? Source: Bleacherreport, Joe Robbins, Getty Images.

Amusing Announcing, Part the Third: The Now-Extinct Wolverines' Daryl Stonum lined up deep to return a punt with five minutes remaining before intermission, and was promptly cold-clocked by OSU's coverage team. "He really did stone 'em." Remarked the announcer. 

Obligatory (Long) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Aaron Rodgers buried the 49ers. Sidney Rice caught two touchdown passes. Wes Welker had more receiving yards than the Jets' entire receiving corps. Your Highness Addai-ness had a power-rush TD against a confused Ravens' D. End result: A fourth consecutive nucleophilic attack by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One!* Sour spot: My entire lineup was my optimal lineup. This has never happened. This last week, absolutely everything would have been perfect - but everyone reading this knows exactly where I went wrong. The Bears had (starter) Celek's number**, while Shiancoe went off like a bucket full of fireworks in a hot car. I am now personally going to petition Roger Goodell (I'd assume he's the commissioner of fantasy football as well) - to remove the tight end option from fantasy lineups altogether, as this is the only way I'll ever get it right.

And that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoys the respite the holiday weekend provides.

*In organic chemistry, reactions that involve multiple nucleophilic attacks (or really any attacks or events, usually as a lynchpin to assembly of some ugly molecule) are called cascades.

**It's 87, for everyone else. 

Week 10 Wackiness

I won't lie. I've got the worst case of writers' block imaginable. After yet another agonizing week of diminishing returns at work, I'm exhausted. So this will be yet another lite version of Second and One.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! This week's category is biased, because both the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Scoring Machines were up against two teams with a combined record of 2-14. Brett Favre, in his 300th NFL start, passed for an astonishing 20/29, 344 yards, and one score. Fun Fact: Over 200 yards of this pass-a-palooza were caught by Sidney Rice. However, we must remember that this was against the Lions. Despite rare flashes of brilliance, the Lions are sidelined by injuries, rookies, and a kind of timidity that manifests itself in surrendering points and outright lack of intensity. I honestly think at this point that cabbage looks more menacing than the Big Losing Cats. 

While nothing out of the NFC west looks promising (the entire division is a combined 14-22) the Rams look better a lot better than the Lions - of course they do, they beat them in week 8. Against Breesus and his Apostles,* the Rams put forth amazing effort and hung tight, likely aided by injuries on the Saints' defense (such as safety Darren Sharper, who can intercept everything but telegrams from spies), and problems up front (to possibly compensate for these injuries, the Saints stacked the box. RB Steven Jackson got out of the box). The end result? Drew Brees had to overcompensate yet again, finding the end zone twice and pushing NO to its first 9-0 start...ever. Plus: I love this new commercial for the Play60 program. (NFL) Drew Brees' #1 wideout? President Obama. Ergo, despite throwing two picks on Sunday, Brees wins this category because of this alone. On the new Second and One Assignment O' Awesomeness, where one is a kiss from your mom and 10 would be the offspring of Jackie Chan and Megan Fox killing zombies with a diamond-studded chainsaw, this is at least a 149.

Ridiculously Sick Series of Ridiculously Sick Plays: Sometimes, football is predictable. One watching says "ok, that's a run." "Ok, that's a deep pass." "Ok, they're going to fade to the corner of the end zone." "Ok. The Washington Redskins are kicking a field goal...or are they?" Against the Broncos, the Redskins didn't have much to work with. RB Clinton Portis was out with a concussion. Kyle Orton was dismembering the 'Skins secondary, who appeared to have Deer-in-the-Headlitis. It just wasn't looking good. Washington was down by 7, 4th and 20, with under 7 minutes in the second, and lined up to try a fire-drill of field goal to cut the differential before slogging into the locker room. They attempted a fake, but had to call a time out mid-execution because they only had ten men on the field! It looked laughably, hideously bad - and their secret was exposed to Denver. 

Senator Vreenak could tell us that it was a fake, too! Source: Jordanhoffman.com; Paramount Pictures. A Trek reference in a football blog? KILL THE HERETIC!

As red in the face as their goofy namesake, Washington then trots the punt team onto the field. The Broncos appeared confident that they had sniffed out a rat...but Washington promptly ran the exact same fake again, and punter Hunter Smith heaved the ball to Mike Sellers - straight into the endzone, and the only kicking the 'Skins did on this drive was the XP! (Highlights c/o NFL.com) This series is a rarity in that it is like a witty sitcom - it is both incredibly stupid and incredibly smart at the same time! Nice work, 'Skins!

Shakin' Things Up! Oh, the Browns. After a bye week that involved a quarterback change and people getting fired, they came out and embarrassed themselves, at home, on Monday Night Football, against the Baltimore Ravens. 

I will start by saying this. The Blackbirds' offense looks generally dreadful lately. They've lost four of their past five games. Joe Flacco was held to just 155 yards in the air. Kicker Steve Hauschka missed another field goal - his fourth of the season - and another extra point, and was promptly fired (keep in mind they cut their other kicker, Matt Stover, who returns to see the Ravens again on Sunday - he's playing in Indianapolis.) Both teams looked so awful that it was the first NFL game of the season that was scoreless at the entr'acte. 

Chop blocks and laying around? Maybe he'd be better on defense. Source: Joshua Gunter, the Plain Dealer.

But what of the Browns? Sure, they have Josh Cribbs, but he's now injured and any smidge of offense is crippled by overly-conservative, low-impact play calling (apparently "going deep" is too risque a concept for television). They suffer at wide receiver, and RB Jamal Lewis plans on retiring soon. They score so infrequently that most of the team probably could not locate the goal line on a map of a football field. And then Brady Quinn throws a block that has now sidelined Ravens' LB Terrell Suggs - for his first time in seven years. And Quinn won't even say how much the league fined him for his idiocy. What in God's Great Galaxy is wrong with the Cleveland Browns?

The news in Cleveland is that LeBron James - the star of the only team worth following in Cleveland (the Cavaliers) - would like to play football. (ESPN) And Browns Coach Eric Mangini is thinking about it. And you know, if I were Mangini, I might be thinking about it. The Browns, quite frankly, suck harder than an open window on a space flight,** and James was an all-pro wideout in high school. Ignoring the logistics of what would happen to the Cavaliers (for now), I say go for it. Other teams have shaken things up and gotten results. The Buccaneers were blowing harder than a wind tunnel, started Freeman at QB, and beat the Packers. The Titans were biting harder than Mike Tyson, started Vince Young, and have won their last 3. You're 1-8. What have you got to lose?

Amusing Announcing: Returning from the halftime break, Fox announcers read off a list of injured Detroit Lions - a few injured in the first half against the Vikes - and then quipped, "The Detroit sideline looks like a bad episode of House." In the third quarter of the Patriots/Colts skirmish, NBC announcers watched Peyton Manning pitch the pigskin at approximately the speed of sound, and then quipped, "That was a Halley's Comet. You only see that once every seventy-five years." And an unknown college announcer stated after a missed field goal, "Shank you very much." Keep the clever calls coming, commentators!

Is This Why You Go For It?: While we're talking about the Patriots and Colts, everyone is talking about Bill Belichick's decisive call to have the Patriots go for it while 4th and 2 on their own 28-yard line. I'll give the short summary in case people did not see the game. They were ahead. They went for it. They didn't convert by about three inches. The Colts, off the ensuing turnover on downs, scored and won by a single point, and the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium just about blew off. Time for my opinion: regardless of whether it was smart decision making, stupid decision making, blind arrogance, or just plain madness: it was the right call. The Indy defense had a hard time stopping the Patriots, but the Pats' defense obviously could not corral the Colts, despite the latter's slow start and Manning's two interceptions. Of course, anything could have happened had the Patriots punted. The Indy Stampede could have run the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. The kickoff could have been fumbled. There could have been an interception.  A bogus penalty. Pass interference. Extracurriculars. An earthquake. Heck, Joseph Addai could have held onto the ball for the remaining two minutes and made all of this speculation moot. Whatever. Belichick gambled - and sometimes, when you gamble, you lose. But when your defense is on the ropes, the absolute last thing you want to do is give the ball to Peyton Manning, who threw for 327 yards and four touchdowns. 

If anything, the problem was the way the Patriots ran the fateful play. A short flank pass to Kevin Faulk? Come on. Run that puppy up the gut!

I would have better luck starting Captain Morgan at tight end. Or maybe Mickey Mouse. Or Betty Crocker. Or your mom. Source: Getty Images.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Addai. Rice. The Ravens' defense. Wes Welker. A third consecutive nucleophilic attack! The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are mounting a comeback that rivals the Chargers here, folks! 

The one sour spot? I blew it at tight end. I opted to start Visanthe Shiancoe, employing the oft-effective "whoever plays the Lions" rule, and he stood around like shrubbery for the entire game, while Brent Celek continued his trend of scoring, celebrating in the end zone, and making both his opponents (and yours truly) completely miserable. 

In other news, the Earth revolves around the sun, and I am putting this into the Undeniable Facts of Life category: Death, Taxes, Inflation, Adultery, Buttered Bread Always Landing Buttered-Side-Down, and Having One Position On Your Fantasy Team That You Always @#$& up with.

Tomorrow is my favorite college team's biggest rivalry game, and I'm really looking forward to it. More news to come after!

*I must give credit where credit is due: the reference is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

**As the trend appears to be one of borrowing tonight, I will thank my buddy Eric, a fellow football nut and avid reader, for the silly simile!