Bowl Games!!!

Wow. What an absolutely abysmal performance by the Big Ten Et Al. today. Wisconsin showed poor clock management, Penn State threw a backbreaking interception and handed the contest to Florida. Northwestern rallied too late. Michigan schools were outscored 101-21 in bowl games. None looked worse than MSU. #9 showed up wanting a pound of Nick Saban's flesh. They also showed up with the Bears' O-line from the Giants game, the Texans' secondary, the defensive front from Denver, a QB lofting passes about like a second-grade girl whose primary interest is her Barbies, and an overall air of frustrated, "why-is-the-tight-end-fifty-yards-downfield"- desperation.

(My boyfriend and I wrote this description together.)

Drumroll, Please:

...It's time to announce the winner of the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award! This award, also known as the Tennessee Titans Trophy, is awarded to the college football team that suffers the biggest utter collapse of team morals - and subsequently, team morale - after earning a bowl bid. The dubious honor went last year to the Michigan State Spartans, who suspended at least a dozen football players for their role in a brawl at a fraternity party before the Valero Alamo Bowl.  

This year's winner: the University of Iowa Hawkeyes!

Just days after the announcement that the Hawkeyes will play Missouri in the Insight Bowl, star wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was arrested on multiple drug-related charges, including unlawful possession of multiple prescription drugs, possession of controlled substances, and running a drug house. Johnson-Koulianos admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine. Additionally, Iowa's athletic program admitted today that there are "serious flaws" in the way they test their student-athletes for drug use and believes multiple people have been finding ways to buck the system. As if things can't get worse, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended from participating in Iowa's bowl game due to an unspecified violation of team rules. The second-stringer, sophomore Jewel Hampton, has transferred out of the program, and another running back, Brandon Wegher, has requested a transfer as well, leaving Ferentz to start true freshman Marcus Coker for the bowl game. Marcus Coker. Is there a greater name for a guy at a school with an apparent drug problem than that?!

These goofy characters are: (a) from a Dr. Seuss book; (b) Adam Robinson and Derrell Johnson-Koulianos; (c) the New Big 10 Divisions?

Speaking of messes in the Big Ten Et Al., the gerrymandering of the conference into divisions is complete, now with ridiculous re-branding. The two divisions will be named "Legends" and "Leaders", according to the BigTelevenTwelve Official Website. These names are silly. See, it's not hard to come up with names for divisions, but the heads of the conference have completely whiffed this one, and whiffing at naming things is like losing a fewest-interception contest to Carson Palmer. Here, in my opinion, are twenty division names which sound better than "Legends" and "Leaders," and I didn't even need two weeks in a boardroom to come up with them!

East and West

Right and Left

One and Two

Blue and Red

A and B

Brain and Heart

Wisdom and Courage

Gin and Tonic

Prose and Poetry

Punch and Judy

Harold and Maude

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Divide and Conquer

Your Dad and My Dad

Starsky and Hutch

Booze and Drugs (Iowa leads the latter, MSU the former)

Watson and Holmes

Toilet and Bidet

Liberals and Conservatives

The Division with Nebraska and the Division Without Nebraska

More to come later.

A Funny!

I'm unusually busy today, but this graph I made captures exactly what happens when we play fantasy football.

The Second and One Christmas Party

Imagine this. 

We love ridiculous allegories around here, so now that it's the holiday season, let's assume that the NFL is one giant Christmas party. So who plays whom (or what) in this ragtag cast of characters that shows up at your apartment on a Friday night?

Brad Childress is like the turkey leftovers you find in the back of the fridge at some point during the first week of the month - You throw them out with a disturbing sense of alacrity as not to offend your guests.

The Dallas Cowboys are a nice, pretty Christmas present with nice, pretty wrapping paper. Always getting torn apart in December. 

The Chicago Bears are Santa Claus. He shows up to your party late, and everybody suddenly believes. How about those two safeties 20 yards deep, huh?

You're welcome, Eagles Fans. Source: Jose Osorio, Chicago Tribune

The San Diego Chargers are the Christmas Tree. Everyone oohs and aahs over how beautiful it is now, but everyone also knows that it'll get tossed out into the backyard come January. 

Halfway through the party, Vince Young walks out angrily and claims that he's not quitting on the party, he's just quitting on the host. 

Josh McDaniels is the obnoxious person who is videotaping the entire thing. Bill Belichick was the same person a couple of years ago - now he's just the guy who sits in the corner and never smiles because he thinks too much rum will make him sick.

Speaking of the rum, we'll have to give this distinction to the Pittsburgh Steelers. A bad encounter with them, and you're hammered.

"Yeah, Yeah. I'm going to be at your place a little late. I have a secondary to score on first." Source: chiefstailgate.net.

Dwayne Bowe is the star of the event, whom everyone wants a chance to talk to and catch up with. Hands down.

You know what happens when you invite a bunch of people over, who just cause mischief, run around, and knock over everything? Those people are the New Orleans Saints.

Brett Favre is the wheezy old guy whom nobody's seen in a while - but you invite him because you feel sorry for him. He wants to show you some pictures - everyone politely declines. 

The Detroit Lions are tacky sweaters. You're sure to see them one at least day a year - and they're still revolting.

Note to all: If you try this punch at my house, I will kick you out too. Source: David J. Philip, Associated Press.

Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan, are, of course, the punch. 

The Cincinnati Bengals are the fruitcake. They look pretty in theory, but then they get passed around, everyone has a bite, and the rest goes into the trash.

Derek Anderson has a major meltdown in the middle of the night as well, and walks out shortly after Vince Young does. 

Aye. Caramba!

The Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One) are what happens when someone (most notably, Tom Brady) knocks over a candle and burns the whole place down. Seven touchdowns between my receivers this week. (Psst, I'm on the left). Lordy, call the fire department!

The Polamolecule!

It's not very often that my two favorite things (chemistry and football) overlap, but when the stars happen to align and they actually do, hilarity usually ensues. You get things like the following Head and Shoulders ad, featuring a compound - the Polamolecule - made of element No. 43. Genius!

Via Hilobrow, submitted by reader Michael.

FYI, actual element #43 is Technetium, which is radioactive and dangerous, so they're not that far off the mark. Don't forget your, um, safety goggles.

Bye Week for the Bears

...But it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about them anyway. I carved this yesterday morning. I hope some Packers fan kid doesn't smash it!

Another one bites the...MWA HA HA HA!

As like every other week in college football, a bunch of highly ranked teams ended up, well, buried, by unranked or lower-ranked teams. Upsets happen. C'est la vie, right? 

This time, to celebrate October 31st, Second and One was able to provide photographic evidence of these untimely deaths! Click each for spooky, in-yer-face Hi-Res.

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

Some Humor, c/o Facebook, Now with More Halloween Goodies!

Someone saw this posted on Facebook this morning and was nice enough to send it my way:

"Put this on your status if you know someone/are related to someone who suffers from being a Dallas Cowboys Fan. Being a Cowboys Fan is a real disorder and should be taken seriously. There is still no known cure for DCF and sympathy does not help. But we can raise awareness. 90% of Cowboys fans won't repost this because they don't know... how to copy and paste."

So I got to thinking about an interesting question, namely, "if every team in the NFL could collectively dress up as anything for Halloween, what would they go as?" The results of this amusing experiment (that is distracting me from my actual experiments) are posted below. Let's start with the NFC North:

Chicago Bears: A large, fuzzy teddy bear. Nothing to fear, right? The costume has to provide more defense than Cover-2, whatever it is.

Green Bay Packers: A zombie. They're walking dead but they're somehow still alive.

Minnesota Vikings: A pumpkin, because those tend to get carved up this time of year.

Detroit Lions: My boyfriend's car. Something's always broken somewhere.

New Orleans Saints: An obscure character from an obscure cartoon, whom everyone looks at with narrowed eyes and asks, "who are you supposed to be, again?"

Atlanta Falcons: An elevator. Always up and down.

Carolina Panthers: does anyone remember that scene in The Sixth Sense where we see that kid who turns out to have half his head missing?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A clown. 'Nuff said. 

Seattle Seahawks: A Rubik's Cube. Yeah, we can't figure them out either. 

San Francisco 49ers: A dead, rotting corpse.

Arizona Cardinals: A mouse. Squeaks and runs away scared. 

St. Louis Rams: A dog. Chases its tail, makes a lot of noise, and sleeps all weekend.

The famous, perplexing Seattle Seahawkcube. Alternatively, the whole NFC West can just dress as an outhouse. Or maybe cat vomit. Or a bag of ebola.

New York Giants: Frankenstein. Suddenly zapped to life.

Washington Redskins: A Jack-in-the-box. Surprise!!!

Philadelphia Eagles: Bride of Frankenstein. She also got tangled up with some not-so-nice guys.

Dallas Cowboys: A tiny rubber ball. Insignificant and poses a choking hazard.

Indianapolis Colts: Everyone the morning after the Halloween party who is too hung-over to get out of bed.

Tennessee Titans: Dexter Morgan. Or Freddy Krueger. You generally don't survive if you meet either of them on a bad day, either.

Houston Texans: A SCUD missile. Offensive, but inaccurate. Blows up.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Toilet paper. Do I even need to explain this one?

Baltimore Ravens: A hammer. Pounds people.

Pittsburgh Steelers: A sledgehammer. Pounds people harder. Those so inclined to pervert this into a Roethlisberger joke can do so at their own discretion.

Cleveland Browns: You know that disgusting feeling you get in your mouth when you wake up at 1PM and feel really nasty but you're just glad you actually woke up? That feeling.

Cincinnati Bengals: What's depicted in the picture below. 

Rawr!! When I grow up, I wanna be just like Carson Palmer and totally blow it against Cleveland! Source: the adorably-named babyanimalcostumes.com

New England Patriots: Casanova. Man, that guy scored a lot. 

New York Jets: My car. Frequently drives over people who are in the way and then makes the news.*

Miami Dolphins: A refrigerator. Always running. Plus, it keeps you cool in Miami.

Buffalo Bills: A bee. Flies around; gets whacked.

Kansas City Chiefs: A maniac with a chainsaw. Scary as hell. 

Oakland Raiders: a screwdriver. Well, they're always finding a way to screw someone, and it's a lot more PG than the other jokes I could come up with.

Denver Broncos: A hippie. High, but going absolutely nowhere. 

San Diego Chargers: A treadmill. Kind of cool in theory if someone could dress up as a treadmill, but they'd soon realize that they're still just for walking on. 

Did anyone hear the joke about Norv Turner dragging Philip Rivers into an electronics store? "Please" Norv pleaded. "I need a refund on this Charger. We can't get any power." Source: Indianapolis Examiner

Everyone, have a safe and happy Halloween weekend! More posts to come soon.

*Facetiousness here. I've never been a car accident.

The Peyton Manning Audible Generator!

So people have been wondering this for a long time: what's with Peyton Manning's audibles? Well, according to a semi-recent interview, a lot of what Manning hollers out is simply improvised gibberish designed to fake out the defense. The rest is, interestingly enough, Gaelic. See here for yourself (there's a bit of comic mischief, so it may not be safe to listen to in public.)

And now I realize, it's pretty simple. It's easy to call plays for the Colts at the line! Just use the following handy-dandy template below, insert your own words, and yell it out in your best "game manager" voice!

"[Number between one and ten], [number in the hundreds], [food object], [style of dance], [Number between one and twenty], [Foreign-sounding word], let's go! go!"

Mine is "Six, four-forty, cream-puff, tango, seventeen, bouquet, let's go, go!"

Time to poll the audience!

I'm Officially Too Silly To Be Serious About Football

So, to quote West Side Story, "it all begins tonight." Interestingly (depressingly?) all I can think about are disconnects in my fantasy matchup: Is it worth starting a pass-wacky team's defense (the Saints) when they're playing another pass-wacky team (the Vikings?), do I go with Laurent Robinson, who might not get a catch, over Donald Driver, who might not get a catch, and how bad really is Beanie Wells' knee injury, blah blah blah...

Also: I find it really funny that Bruce Springsteen's "Cover Me" came on my playlist. While I was writing about defenses. What the heck is this, Nnamdi Asomugha's theme song? I then decided that we need theme songs for other NFL players, and this is the list that resulted from me giggling while I went through my playlist:

Adrian Peterson: "Runnin'" by The Pharcyde

Ndamukong Suh: "Crush" by the Dave Matthews Band (I couldn't find a good song about decapitation).

Darelle Revis: "Cry Me A River" by Julie London 

Jay Cutler: "Daydreaming" by Lupe Fiasco (because that's apparently what he was doing all of last season.)

Jared Allen: "Friendly Pressure" by Maysa

Ray Lewis: "Bad" by Michael Jackson (too easy, next.)

The Detroit Lions: "Send In The Clowns" (Any cover.)

Steven Jackson: "Man In The Box" by Alice in Chains ("Out of the box" would be more appropriate.)

Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens: "We Belong Together" by Gavin DeGraw.

Flozell Adams: "Motion in a Minute" by Yoko Kanno (Every penalty from last season, I swear. Plus, it's a lovely piano piece!)

Dez Bryant: "New Kid In School" by The Donnas

Derek Anderson: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park (one step closer to realizing that the Cardinals probably aren't all they're cracked up to be.)

Josh Freeman: "When You Were Young" by The Killers (when I was young, the Buccaneers weren't so darned awful.)

Tom Brady: "Pretty Piece of Flesh" by One Inch Punch (self-explanatory.)

Drew Brees: "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead (what he did in the off-season.)

The Kansas City Chiefs: "Toxic" by Britney Spears (So bad that they're...)

The Entire City of Cleveland: "Unbreak my Heart" by Tony Braxton (Years of Browns idiocy on top of the LeBron James debacle? Ouch.)

Judge my taste in music how you will, but how can you say they don't belong together? Source: Fanhouse, Getty Images

Also, also: I'll be in Chicago this coming weekend for the Bears' inaugural game vs. Detroit, which I will cover as well. More news to come when I get to it - things are busy. 

Happy Kickoff!

Reader Challenge #2!

So my second Second and One Reader Challenge [where I ask people ridiculous football-related questions (via IM, Facebook, or good old-fashioned pen-and-paper reporting) and then post their answers in the blog] has concluded.

In light of the naked OSU lineman incident, I asked the following question:

"If you see a naked football player in your house, what do you say to him?"

Here are the results!

"Time out!" - Dave S.

"How would you know he was a football player if he was naked?" - Rico M.

"Where are your clothes, why are you carrying that football, and how the hell did you get in here?" - Hope O.

"I would turn around and walk away." - Brad S.

"I'd dial the looney bin presuming he was suffering concussion related dementia." - Judy R.

"If you can manage to be fairly quiet, there's a bit of beer on tap near the fireplace, taps are labeled. And sheets for the futon in the end table under the lamp. And for god's sake lift the seat of the toilet or better yet SIT DOWN, can't imagine why men think they have the right to splatter urine everywhere when they pee." - Linda S. 

"Somehow I thought you'd be better-endowed." - Nikki F.

"Put some clothes on...!" - Jess H.

Thanks everyone who participated! Happy Fantasy Draft Week, everyone!

The Authoritative Chicago Bears Playbook Quiz!

So the Bears have disappointed again in the preseason, being thoroughly hoisted on their own petard by an inefficient offensive line and lousy play calling. We at Second and One have obtained this stinky playbook (and associated documents), and before we burned it to exorcise the demons therein, we made it into a quiz. See if you can guess the correct answer(s) to this question: What Would Lovie Do?

1. Your opponent fires a shot across the bow by scoring a touchdown on the opening possession. You (the Bears) have the ball. What do you do?

a. Show 'em what you're made of. Execute a quick-strike passing attack and punch it into the end zone in retaliation.

b. Run the ball steadily, grind out yards slowly and methodically, bleed ten minutes off the clock, and smash-mouth your way in for six.

c. Draw a long pass interference penalty and kick a field goal.

2. You're winning by fourteen points against a really bad team at home. You're on 4th down and 1 at their 16-yard-line. What do you do?

a. Go for it and see what happens. 

b. Be conservative, kick the field goal, and adjust accordingly. You're already winning.

c. Try a fake shovel pass to your fullback while in a pseudo-field goal formation, get creamed behind the line of scrimmage, and get no points.

3. You're losing on the road and you're 3rd and 17. What do you do?

a. Try and draw the opponents offsides to make it a more manageable 3rd and 7. 

b. Pull out the stops and throw the ball downfield.

c. Run up the middle for two yards. We're a running team, gosh-darnit!

4. A typical series for your offense goes like...

a. Short run, slant pass, screen route, first down.

b. Throw over the middle, sweep, short run, first down.

c. False start, sack, sack, run up the middle, punt. 

5. A typical series for your defense goes like...

a. Stuffed at the line, flush the QB from the pocket, broken up pass.

b. Jammed at the line, five-yard gain, pushed out of bounds.

c. Jump offsides twice in a row. 

6. Your opponent needs a true "Hail Mary" to tie you. What defensive formation do you use to try and stop it?

a. Easy. Nickel package or higher or straight-up Prevent. 

b. Send the dogs. Try a mega-blitz package and pray you're quicker than they are.

c. Don't rush the passer, and play the softest cover-2 you can think of.

7. It's draft day! Who do you pick?

a. Some big, speedy wide receivers for your franchise quarterback.

b. Some enormous guys to stick up front to block.

c. Cornerbacks! We've got, like, 12 on the roster, and we'd really like to make that 13! I hear that's good luck, or something.

8. You need a new coach for your defensive line. Who's your number one choice?

a. A bowl-winning former college defensive coordinator.

b. A young, defensive-minded assistant coach from a rival conference.

c. The head coach of a team that went 0-16 the previous season. It's just them, right?

9. It's a preseason game. It's pretty meaningless, but it's a time for judgment. What do you do?

a. Play your starters, and then the second and third strings, to check out the depth of your roster.

b. Try out some new plays you've been working on in training camp.

c. Practice two-point conversions every time you score (and even blow some of them) for a reason that eludes everyone's comprehension. 

10. Ok. You're going to score. Some way or another, you will get points. You're first and goal from the one-yard line. What's the play, coach?

a. Try the quarterback sneak. It just might work and will catch them off guard.

b. Power-rush time! Move that pile! 

c. Try to force the ball to your triple-covered tight end and promptly be intercepted in the corner of the end zone, knocking all momentum out of your team.

Let's hope these demons get worked out soon. 

Extra Points, Part II

This joke is an oldie but a goodie; original source unknown:

Momma Bear and Poppa Bear are getting a divorce, and Baby Bear ends up in family court, where the judge deliberates over his custody.

"I will send you to live with Momma Bear." The judge says. 

"No!" Baby Bear pleads, "I don't want to live with her. She's mean and beats me!"

"Hm..." Replies the judge, "I shall send you to live with Poppa Bear then."

"No!" Replies Baby Bear, "Poppa's awful angry, and he beats me too!"

After thinking for several seconds, the judge has his solution. He bangs his gavel.

"You will live with the Chicago Bears." The judge quips, "They can't beat anybody."

In brief...

The end-of-year madness is not subsiding any, and I'm getting really stressed out. I am going home for the holidays at the end of the week, so posting will be limited. I will share this, however:

Source: Me, via Graphjam.

In honor of tonight's showdown...

You, like the Redskins' Sherm Lewis, can also be a bingo caller - for the Saints/Pats game! 

Week 10, Lite Version

I am just tired. So tonight's episode is a lite version. But like light beer or light butter, it still tastes pretty good if enough is applied or consumed!

Another One Bites the Dust, NFL Edition: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were shipwrecked at 0-7 coming into Sunday's contest against the Green Bay Packers. Imploding in 2008. The loss of Gruden to ESPN. A rookie coach. No defense whatsoever. More personnel turnover than the Italian government. Wearing their throwback orange jerseys with the logo from 1979, the Buccaneers actually scored 38 points...to the Pack's 28. 21-year-old rookie QB Josh Freeman, the youngest QB to ever start for the Bucs, had only 205 yards but threw for three TDs, including one on a 4th down conversion that sealed the deal. One of the questions everyone seems to be asking is "how much did home field advantage/matchup psychology matter?" Fun Fact: the Packers have lost seven of their last 8 in Tampa, and Green Bay has dropped its past three games with the Bucs regardless of whether they play in Tampa, at Lambeau, or in Australia. 

Yo, ho, ho, ho, a pirate's life for me! The Tampa Bay Creamsicles sent the Packers packing. Source: Getty Images, NY Daily.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 1: I'm still too frustrated to write about the Bears/Cards disaster. The Arizona Cardinals, lead by Kurt Warner, were out for blood after an abysmal performance against the Big Black Cats in week 8. They got it against the witless Bears, whose defense simply did not show up to play for the second time this season. The Bears, by virtue of losing by 20, were the ultimate in stupid defense on Sunday. Perhaps the stupidest Bear defender, however, was defensive tackle Tommie Harris, who was ejected 54 seconds into the game for decking Cardinals guard Deuce Lutui in the face so hard that Lutui's entire face swelled up. (NFL.com) What an extremely stupid and undisciplined thing to do, especially when it's known that when Harris doesn't do his part on the D-line that the soup hits the fan for the Bears: Harris was injured when the Bears were routed by Cincinnati, 45-10. The only thing I can think of was that Coach Smith told Harris to get out there and play smash mouth football, and Harris took it literally. Shameful.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 2: Although the Cardinals won handily, they did make one extremely derailing defensive decision themselves. Tight end Greg Olsen is one of Jay Cutler's favorite targets, especially in short-yardage situations, and is still one of the league's most dangerous TEs in the red zone. Until last Sunday, many opposing teams had this notion figured out, leaving half of Chicago wondering if Olsen was a bust and the other half believing there was a massive defensive conspiracy against him. (Chicago Tribune) The Cards could have easily shut out the Bears, their weak secondary, and their stop-and-go offense, but instead opted to place their savvy cornerbacks in man coverage against Chicago's wideouts (Hester, Knox, Bennett), leaving, slower, less-effective safeties to practically run into each other chasing after Olsen all game.* Result: Three Bears touchdowns, all to #82, who was a good two yards off the defender every time! Everyone and their dog knew that this is where the ball was going; why didn't Clancy Pendergast? It's a moot point now, but it is safe to say that had the defense showed up, this game could have been very different. 

Confucius says: "three touchdowns to the Bears tight end puts 'greg' in 'egregious.'" Source: Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Much to my extreme surprise, the Big Black Cats corralled the Scoring Machines enough to allow the Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, to win again, lead by Aaron Rodgers (as he desperately tried to dig himself out of the Buccaneers debacle) and Joseph Addai (who lead the Colts in doing what they do best). The Nukes were up by 39 before the Steelers' defense (whom my opponent had) ever took the field. 

My buddy Tom, however, found himself in a more dire fantasy predicament. Up against his pal Newman, on Newman's birthday, his team struggled for dominance in a nail biter that ended up coming down to Hines Ward vs. Rashard Mendenhall. Ward prevailed at the last moment, and Tom won. For kicks, Tom and I actually made a bet over our ridiculous fantasy week. Tom and I make all sorts of football bets, which usually end in one of us losing five bucks or having to buy the other dinner. This one, however, was outrageous: if he lost, he would have come to my house and stage a literal song-and-dance number for my entertainment. On the other hand, if the Fighting Nucleophiles blew it because of the Steelers' D (which would be nothing short of a freak accident), I would have had to post some comments** in this blog that would firmly violate my PG rating. Thank goodness we both won!

Remember kids: Continuing our pseudo-Confucian allegory: does a clever play to Dallas' tight end constitute a "witticism?"

*Yes. I literally watched the replays about fifty times.

**No. I won't post them. I'll just say that said comments made me really glad that Kyle Orton was able to give Pittsburgh's secondary a hard time all night, despite losing the game.

Time for...

A Second and One Quiz o' Questioning!

There are fifteen questions. You have thirty minutes!

1. Approximately thirty percent of the Earth is covered by land. What is the other 70% covered by?

a) Water

b) Philip Rivers' contract

c) Andy Reid

d) The Bears' Defense

2. What is the worst fashion statement of the decade?

a) Sweater Jackets

b) Oversized Belt-buckles

c) Lady Gaga

d) The Seattle Seahawks

3. Failure is:

a) Something we all must learn from

b) The Buccaneers

c) The Browns

d) The Titans

4. It has a hole in the center:

a) A tire.

b) Cheerios, proven to lower your cholesterol

c) Donuts, proven to raise your cholesterol

d) Green Bay's offensive line

5. Which of the following objects is best described by the phrase "it makes a lot of noise but actually does nothing?"

a) An air-horn.

b) Loud rap music.

c) Party noisemakers

d) Terrell Owens

6. When _______ is on ______, _______

a) Music, the stereo, sing.

b) Football, television, be quiet

c) Food, the stove, watch it

d) Peyton Manning, a drive, kiss your backside goodbye!

7. You are more likely to get killed by a toilet-cleaning product than....

a) Be struck by lightning.

b) Get bitten by a poisonous snake

c) Win the lottery

d) See St. Louis move the chains

8. Analogy time. Blanket: Bed is to...

a) White: Rice

b) Flies: Cow Pies

c) New Orleans: Offense

d) The Media: Brett Favre

9. Which of the following will we NOT see in this decade?

a) A colony on Mars.

b) Flying cars.

c) Salary cap rules that make sense.

d) Jake Delhomme winning MVP.

10. The number "7"...

a) Is the square root of the 49ers!

b) Describes the number of deadly sins

c) Is probably how many games Atlanta will win this season.

d) JaMarcus Russell's current QB rating.

11. Which of the following pairs of objects has the greatest combined mass?

a) An elephant and a rhinoceros

b) My dad and your dad

c) Jupiter and Saturn

d) Kevin and Pat Williams

12. What is the difference between the Detroit Lions and a vacuum cleaner?

a) The vacuum cleaner can actually move around turf efficiently;

b) A rookie can eventually learn how to operate a vacuum cleaner; 

c) If the vacuum cleaner stops working, you can get a refund;

d) It is possible to make a vacuum cleaner stop sucking.

13. The following things are inevitable in life:

a) Death

b) Taxes

c) Jim Zorn getting canned.

d) Baltimore's defense putting up more points than your entire fantasy team.

14. It collapses very easily:

a) A house of cards

b) A folding chair

c) Your 401k after last year

d) Both teams that played in the '08 Superbowl

15. "Wildcats" are:

a) Fierce predators that live in the forest

b) A common name for many sports teams, including my alma mater;

c) Proposed name change for the Miami Dolphins

College news later!

Why did you do that? No, really, why did you do that?

Hot off the press: the New England Patriots have traded QB Matt Cassel and OLB Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs...for the 34th pick. No doubt, those who are experienced with football trades and follow the sport religiously (and moreso than I) are shaking their heads at this point. I am honestly not sure what to think about this. A lot of analysis is beginning to surface over exactly why the Pats did this, and I think the forgone conclusion is that nobody has any real clue. The Chiefs are certainly getting something good out of it - it was proposed at the end of 2008 that if released, Cassel, who has spent most of his pro career polishing the bench with his butt, would print more dough than the Philadelphia Mint. No doubt those in KC are sighing gently with hopes that their run of positively abysmal seasons may be approaching sunset legislation. Also, even though Vrabel's getting on in years, he is a talented and experienced linebacker who has at least a couple more seasons of forcing turnovers. 

But what are the Patriots getting out of this, other than their second-round trade? I think it's a bit of a gamble. Brady is returning from practically an entire season out, and sometimes, these sort of severe injuries can majorly disrupt a quarterback's rhythm. Even minor injuries -Kyle Orton's ankle injury against the Lions in 2008-can be detrimental; after only several weeks of recovery, Orton stunk for pretty much the rest of the season. If Tom Brady suddenly forgets how to throw a football, what do the Patriots have? Moss and Welker can't do a whole lot if there's nobody to throw it to them. On the other hand, had the Pats kept Cassel and Brady returned, unchanged, as if cryogenically frozen for a whole year, Cassel would have returned to his sideline loitering. 

To re-summarize those conclusions from the sportswriter buzz; I have no clue why this happened. 

***

In other news, the Detroit Lions traded Jon Kitna to the Dallas Cowboys, where he will be fetching Tony Romo's Gatorade for the next N years. My friend described this as a continuation of Detroit's desire to siphon all of their failure down to Dallas (see synonyms at "Roy Williams"). Heaven only knows how this will end. 

Speaking of the Lions also, the Bears have released Rex Grossman, who now pipes up that he would like to play in Detroit. Forget the gunslinging style, the erratic start-and-go offensive blundering, the "close-your-eyes-and-chuck it"-mentality, the interceptions, the drama, the sobbing on the sidelines, the inability to concentrate on anything, and the all-purpose suckitude...I have found the one reason he is not a Bear anymore. The Lions! He wants to play for the Lions! The 98 dollar-question: can he get it to Calvin Johnson? If so, there might be some good chemistry, if not, endless ways to make fun of the Lions next season, especially if Grossman makes Orlovsky-esque snafus!*

***

Someone asked me via e-mail last week what I thought of the Indianapolis Colts' release of WR Marvin Harrison after 13 years. Harrison was a great receiver, no questions asked - but in recent years he had been riddled with injuries and I think he's probably past his prime. After all, he wished to be released (was it over taking a pay cut? I can't remember); and the Colts simply honored his wishes. His future's probably uncertain, but there's my take on that. More news to come later!

Remember kids, if you think the "tackle box" is what you take to go fishing, you should not be playing quarterback.

*I may have posted this earlier, but Orlovsky made one of the stupidest moves I have ever seen in football, right between "That rookie from Dallas who lost the ball on the one-yard line prematurely celebrating a touchdown" and "The punter from Minnesota who turned the ball over to the Bears because he dropped the ball, and after a defender touched it, picked it up and tried to kick it again." Dan Orlovsky, pinned back practically on his own goal line, got caught in a blitz and promptly skittered out the back of his own end zone, giving up a safety. Not only was it the one game the Lions could have won (the two points, were, of course, the differential), but it was positively humiliating. (Even moreso than Rod "#*&%#ing! #$&*!" Marinelli's profane outbursts) Joe Flacco later described how, when under pressure, he almost "Pulled an Orlovsky," and, of course, Urban Dictionary has now timelessly preserved this moment of idiocy. Note: other entries on that page are not appropriate for bosses, small children, and English majors. 

Et cetera

Man, it's the first weekend without football in months, and I've already got the characteristic withdrawal shakes. And, generally, with this sort of feeling, comes writers' block. Epic writers' block. So, some news!

Giants WR Taye Biddle (read as "the guy that's not Plaxico Burress") went outside of his house in Alabama and was promptly shot in the hand. Is it just me, or does the position of WR seem to be cursed for the Giants? First Steve Smith gets stuck up and mugged, then Plax slides to new levels of jackassery, and now Biddle? If someone offered me the chance to play WR for the G-men, I would immediately ask if a flak jacket is part of the contract.

***

In other news, the Big One is upon us once again, which means one thing: odd fan behavior! The Super Bowl, being, fundamentally, a celebration of football, brings out the nuttiest of the nutballs. Lately, this seems to be manifesting itself in the form of amusing song parodies. There seem to be a lot of good ones posted over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. (Be warned: language and content on said page are not safe for work or littl'uns!) By far, the best of the Steelers parodies I've seen comes from an a capella group in Pittsburgh, who ceremoniously reworked Toreador from Bizet's Carmen to be about...well...you just have to see it. 

As for the Cardinals, I haven't seen any amusing parodies from their end yet. Although I was singing The Humans are Dead* by Flight of the Conchords in the shower yesterday, and believe it could be easily adapted to describe the NFC Championship Game:

The Eagles are dead.

The Eagles are dead;

We threw freaky deep passes

And we covered their asses

The Eagles are dead.

(McNabb, he is dead)

The Eagles are dead.

(And Westbrook is dead)

We did it so we

(Buckhalter is dead)

Could go to forty-three...

(And Reid. Had a heart attack. He's dead)

(And then there's a whole bunch of stuff that just doesn't rhyme well...)

I said the Eagles are dead!

(Akers is dead)

The Eagles are dead (And Celek is dead!)

We used freaky deep passes (to Larry the most!)

And we covered their asses (their offense was toast)

I'll stop here for fear of embarrassing myself more than I've already done.

*The Humans Are Dead, by Flight of the Conchords