Quote of The Day

Ok. I realize it's pointless to complain about what happens in preseason games, because all sorts of slop happens in preseason games. It's a time for teams to work out the slop so that they're in top form when the actual season starts. Only in preseason can Oakland and Cleveland look good, Dallas look mediocre, and New Orleans actually look kind of stinky. 

Still, it makes me sad when I see (or in this case, hear on the radio) games where the Bears, even the Nth-String, Bargain-Basement Bears, completely roll over and croak (in this case, vs. the San Diego Junior Varsity Chargers). It doesn't really tell us anything about the team as a whole* because it's just garbage time for rookies and has-beens, but I still cringe when I hear that the Bears have a series that includes like, two sacks and a blocked punt where the ball flies out the back of the end zone. And then exchanges like this occur:

Significant Other: The Bears are God's team, you know.

MC: Yeah, why's that?

Significant Other: Their offensive line is looking pretty hol(e)y. 

At least they're not St. Louis. Bradford got nailed so many times by the Vikings that I'm starting to think it happened on purpose as part of a hazing ritual.

Power Rankings part deux to come soon.

*Beyond that the offensive line is out to lunch, the right half of the defensive backfield doesn't know what its left half is doing, and Brian Urlacher likes hitting people. A lot. 

Bad Psychology

My dreams are weird. Usually they consist of random mish-mash from my day, or certain bits of chemistry replayed over and over; I conclude that it's my brain's way of organizing my thoughts. Unfortunately, my brain organizes sort of like the way a three-year-old organizes a filing cabinet: by tossing everything together on the floor.

Once and a while I'll dream about football. About 20% of the time it's my friends and I at a game, or random statistics, but maybe 80% of the time I'm playing quarterback. No other position, ever - I dreamed that after Favre "retired" that I was the starter for Green Bay, I've dreamed that I've played for my alma mater; heck, I think I've even sat on the bench next to Tom Brady a couple of times.

Anyway, after last night's depressing Bears/Falcons contest, my dream consisted of one long montage of the Bears losing to every team in the league. At the same time as this was happening, I had regressed to being ten years old, and thus became incapable of understanding anything else. Bits of my life flickered before me. While the Bears were losing to the Ravens, an attractive member of the opposite sex tried to talk with me, but I couldn't understand - I was ten and the Bears were losing. When the Bears were losing to the Chargers (which pretty much ran as a reel of the microscopic Garrett Wolfe being pancaked by Shawne Merriman), some big-shot in my field was trying to offer me a really good job, but I couldn't understand any of it.

The dream ended with me, sitting in my fifth grade class, surrounded by other depressed ten-year-olds in Bears regalia, all sobbing over why the Bears had blown it so badly. I woke up at about 5:30 AM thinking "Hey, we can beat Cincinnati, right?" And I didn't know whether to start crying or laughing, honestly.

Of course, the moral of this whole story (which is a good one for everyone) is to not get too worked up over the outcome of any sporting event, or you risk looking like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But I use it as a study in psychology - Amazing what a sucker-punch loss can temporarily do to a fan's subconscious, eh?*

News to come after the Monday night skirmish.

*And with this, my unbroken record of being nervous days before Chicago plays Atlanta will continue, no doubt.

Week 2!

Before I get to the rest of the news: The Bears beat the Steelers! The Bears beat the Steelers! Even without Urlacher and Polamalu, both teams played spectacular defense. Both teams looked solid offensively - Cutler and Company did not turn the ball over once. The lynchpin: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed* missed two field goals, setting up the Monsters of the Midway with good field position and just enough time on the clock to march back down the field, where Robbie Gould's golden right foot booted it through the uprights for the win. And the game ended with a Steelers fumble! Absolute perfection.

I nearly had a total coronary watching this game at home. I seriously thought I was going to croak in front of the TV set. And I can imagine it now: they would find my body two days later. Still clad in my Bears jersey, my arms would be fixed above my head by rigor mortis, signaling that indeed, even though I had gone to the great blogosphere in the sky, Gould's kick was still good!

"We did it! We did it! OMG! We did it!" "Um. Robbie. People are staring." Source: Chicago Tribune.

Punter v. Scoreboard, Redux: Man, did the Giants rain on the inaugural parade down in Dallas or what? Tony Romo threw three interceptions and finished with a quarterback rating of 29.6, compared to Eli Manning's 110.6! But nevermind the stats: the big item on everyone's mind was the scoreboard.  My friend and I put the over-under on "number of footballs to hit the thing" at 2, I took the under, and was right. According to NBC, who loves it almost as much as Jerry Jones does, the scoreboard is 90 feet in the air, so one would have to kick really high in order to hit it, and perhaps AJ Trapasso's controversial doink was a fluke. Still. It'll be amusing to hear the whole crowd gasp whenever someone goes 3-and-out in the place. 

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Random stat o' the day: In his first two NFL games of the season, Drew Brees has thrown nine touchdowns. The Saints have scored a combined 93 points on Detroit and Philadelphia. What are they going to do to Buffalo?

Anyway, more to come later, perhaps college news/scores? I've been terribly delinquent in updating!

*Was he drunk? In need of a towel dispenser to vandalize? Upset because more pictures of his nether regions were on the internet? 

The Great Below

NFL opening weekend! 

First, the Lions prove that they still cannot get anything started offensively. It's like watching a car stalling, whereupon the team proceeds to get out and push. Rookie QB Matt Stafford threw a craptacular three interceptions, while Drew Brees, leading the New Orleans Scoring Machines, continues to make us all question if he is really human, throwing six touchdowns. I propose someone should make a Saints Drinking Game: Whenever Brees throws a touchdown, drink a Boilermaker in honor of his alma mater. Of course, by the third quarter, you'd be so pie-eyed you won't remember who's playing, and Second and One reminds you to never drive drunk, for not only legal and safety reasons, but for fear of looking like Detroit on offense.

***

The weekend was not without its share of absurd plays and outright miracles. First, the Denver Broncos prove that the Football Gods have embarrassed them enough with the McDaniels/Cutler/Shanahan/Cassel/Whoever Else debacle, and down against Cincinnati with seconds remaining, Orton threw a deep pass which was tipped by a Cincy defender, directly into the hands of Brandon Stokley, who ran it 87 yards for the score, stopping to jog outside the end zone to shave seconds off the clock. Ladies and Gentlemen: we have a new candidate for Immaculate Reception! See it here (NFL), along with CBS' Gus Johnson just about having a coronary in the booth! The collective tears of the Bengals after this fluke could've literally put the Mile High City under water. 

The best trick play of the weekend goes to the Washington Redskins, who were shut out by seventeen at the half with about thirty seconds left before heading to the locker room. Shaun Suisham lined up for a field goal, but a genius fake resulted, where Suisham pretended to kick, and punter Hunter Smith, holding for Suisham, ran the ball into the end zone. Wow! (youtube) How often do you get to see a punter spike the ball in celebration? Nice work, 'Skins! 

Sunday, sadly, was a very disappointing day for us Bears fans, however. Bears/Packers football is always ridiculously entertaining and ridiculously nerve-wracking, but I don't even know where to start with this game: it was a classic, NFC central defensive showdown: both quarterbacks failed from approximately eighteen different directions. Cutler, in his debut as a Bear, threw four interceptions (beaten only by Jake Delhomme's four interceptions and a fumble). Rodgers was repeatedly folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield by the Bears' aggressive defense, and found it difficult to concentrate with DE Adewale Ogunleye in his face every snap. The Packers' D itself made an amazing showing, switching from 3-4 zone formations to solid man coverage effortlessly. 

Congrats, Brian Urlacher: You played approximately 1/60 of the season! Get well soon! (dunno source).

Where the Bears really suffered was on the offensive side of the ball. Did the offense forget the game was at Lambeau and not Soldier field? Cutler, growing increasingly frustrated with his poor performance, lost his accuracy. Receivers didn't run their routes completely, or stood around doing absolutely nothing. Seemingly, and bewilderingly, Cutler also suffered a massive disconnect from tight end Greg Olsen, his close friend and one of his favorite targets. I'm not entirely sure where the disconnect was, but they were not seeing eye-to-eye in the huddle, and Olsen had one touch the entire game. Was it simply that the Packers watched so many preseason tapes that they decided to practically paint Olsen green the whole game? The twelve-year-olds that run this blog, however, have another theory: Olsen and Cutler are simply really getting tired of the gay jokes, which are all over the football blogosphere.* Additionally, sportswriters are fueling it by repeatedly penning mooshy gooshy bilge about this particular QB and TE, not leaving much to the imagination. (Chicago Tribune. Warning: it's safe for work, but really nauseating, and is best not read whilst eating.) What next, we get to hear about Brad Maynard and Robbie Gould's slumber parties? Do they paint each others' nails and have pillow fights in their nighties? Are the Bears jut the real life equivalent of the London Sillynannies?

The agony didn't stop there. On 4th down in their own territory, center Olin Kreutz and long snapper Patrick Mannelly decided to automatic a fake punt for purposes of capturing a twelfth man on the field, a la Peyton Manning. Of course, the play failed, there was no 12th man on the field, Chicago lost the challenge, and Bears fans collectively face-planted into the floor. I was watching this from my friend's incredibly hot second-floor apartment, in pitch blackness, sweating and cursing and cradling my head in my hands. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever anger God/the gods/the powers that be enough to merit being sent to hell/the underworld/the Arena Football League that this is how I will spend my eternal damnation: nauseated, overheating, eyestrained into next Sunday, and watching the Bears choke away the lead in high definition.

To add insult to injury (or rather, to add injury to insult), fan-beloved Chicago MLB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a severely dislocated wrist, presumably from tacking GB RB Ryan Grant in the first half of Sunday night's travesty. It did not look like a serious injury to those watching, but then again, if anyone is going to run off the field screaming in pain, it's not Urlacher. Those more medically inclined than I can read the gory details here.  In the absence of Urlacher, Hunter Hillenmeyer will step up at the middle position, but I believe the damage runs much deeper: in addition to being a good linebacker with a propensity for absolutely ringing the bells of those he tackles, Urlacher spearheads the defense, acting as both captain and motivational speaker. Will the D now stand for "disorganized?" "Well," as my dad lamented yesterday, "so much for winning the division!"

The Bears' defense, sans Brian Urlacher. Source: Kim Grossman, Jpegmag.

It is not all sturm and drang, however: The Fighting Nucleophiles**, official fantasy team of Second and One, won their first game, starring Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker, and Devin Hester as a strong receiver core.  

Remember kids: that which doesn't kill you only makes you tackle harder next time.

*Cris Collinsworth, you did not help this. 

**Mini Soliloquy O' Science: A "nucleophile" is any chemical species that possesses lots of electrons, and thus, an affinity for the nucleus of an atom. The reactions of nucleophiles are often very violent, ergo, "fighting."

Weekend O' Upsets

And now, a series of Gregg Easterbrook-esque snippets on college football: my thoughts are far too disjointed to write an actual, cohesive narrative. Today on Second and One: Offsides, Onsides, and Suicides!

Another One Bites the Dust: Keeping with the tradition of teams from Oklahoma puffing up like dignified, defensive toads and then being simply swallowed alive, Oklahoma State (No. 5) got drop-kicked by the Houston Cougars, 45-35, as QB Case Keenum and RB Bryce Beall, in a stunning display of what might be called Kamikaze insanity by some and sheer, picture-perfect bravado by others, went for it on 4th down, followed by a interception return for a touchdown. The rest of us were surprised to know that there is a college in Houston besides Rice: the last time these guys upset anyone ranked was 1984. Shock and Awe in Stillwater! (Nifty facts courtesy of ESPN).

That'll Teach You to Jump Offsides: Anybody here ever heard of the butterfly effect? I don't mean the Ashton Kutcher movie: I mean that principle where something seemingly very small has an enormous impact on future events. The name comes from the proposition that a butterfly could flap its wings in one part of the world and eventually cause a cyclone on the other. Yesterday's case in chaos theory: the Michigan State Spartans. Battling long-time rival CMU and quarterback Dan LeFevour (who would be a star behind a West-Coast O-line)*, the Spartans threw for a touchdown approximately halfway through the fourth quarter. LeFevour and Company answered back rapidly, effortlessly pounding it into the end zone to bring the score to 27-26. In hopes of firing a shot across the bow of all of East Lansing, LeFevour decided to go for two, but an incomplete pass silenced the deuce conversion. (c/o cmuchippewas.com) Down by one, the Chips recover a textbook onside kick and roll over the Spartan secondary on quick pass plays to get into field goal range. MSU calls two time-outs to ice kicker Andrew Aguila, who shanks it wide of the uprights from 47 yards out. The stands at Spartan Stadium were poised to collapse from celebration, when someone noticed the penalty flag: MSU had jumped offsides. Now five yards closer, Aguila drilled it through with three seconds left. Everything went deathly quiet.

...If there is a more traumatic experience college football experience than this, man, I would love to hear about it. Collapsing massively because of a penalty, at home, in a game you're supposed to win? This is pretty much the football equivalent of being rabbit-punched. If one penalty now causes the momentum-sensitive Spartans suffer a mortifying collapse as they have before (known in vernacular as Spartan Syndrome), the Lorenz Butterfly has made its effect. 

While the soup is probably hitting the fan up in East Lansing, the faithful hope it is a fluke. 

"But Gosh." A dejected MSU fan later told Second and One, "I just hate losing to the directional Michigan schools."

Truly Special Special Teams, 1: The Oregon Ducks, in their ugly win over Purdue, proved that even something as simple as returning a kick can be difficult when it seems you've spent all of the off-season coloring in the playbook. Oregon committed a staggering five special teams penalties in the first half: two holding, two illegal blocks, and even roughed up the kicker for good measure. Following the fifth penalty, they finally just decided to run out of bounds on returns rather than tainting their reputation with even more violence! Who'd ever think that a team named after aquatic birds could be violent? To quote the kid from Mighty Ducks on their namesake: "They're wimpy! They don't even have teeth!"

Run up the Score, much? Yesterday certainly had its share of delicious, delicious cupcake chomping: Florida won by 50, BYU by 51**, Cal by 52, Oklahoma by 64, and Cincy by an astonishing 67 points, proving that like the Romans, football fans still like watching people get killed for fun. Bill Belichick, watching at home, rubbed his hands together and salivated greedily.

Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis love these even more than most coaches. Source: Me. I made these cupcakes. Seriously. You may now proceed to drool. And what's this? A football blogger making cupcakes? KILL THE HERETIC!

Shoot the Officials: With seconds remaining in the Purdue/Oregon contest, Purdue found themselves down by two after a failed two-point attempt, following a blocked extra point earlier in the game. Carson Wiggs attempted to onside kick, and a huge jumble ensued when approximately ten people jumped on the ball, which bounced around and popped out. It was hideous to watch, not unlike how rescue workers have to sort through wreckage following some terrible accident to untangle the bodies. I have no idea who touched the thing first. It appears Oregon touched it, but dropped it, and Purdue came up with it, or vice-versa, or something, but the officials instantly ruled Oregon had possession and, as they said for Purdue, "turn out the lights, the party's over." Why wasn't this play reviewed?

Time for a Second and One Rulebook: 

a) For an onside kick to be recoverable by the kicking team, it must travel ten yards. For all kicks, a ball is live once it travels ten yards past from where it was kicked. An onside kick is just a kick biased toward the kicking team, but it is a kick, nonetheless, and needs to go ten yards. 

b) Unless, of course, someone on the receiving team touches it.

c) However, if that player somehow loses possession of the ball, it can be recovered, just like a fumble.

This particular play raises a myriad of questions: A) did the ball go ten yards? B) If not, in the ensuing scrum, who fell on it? C) If Oregon fell on it and dropped it, as it certainly appears, isn't this a fumble? If there's the possibility of someone fumbling, shouldn't the play be reviewed to determine if anyone was actually down? I'm not saying, of course, that Purdue, with their three turnovers, didn't deserve to lose the game. But when a play is so egregiously messy that someone like me has to write concise, alphabetized premises to try and understand why it is at least half-a-dozen players are waving their hands and signaling that they recovered the ball at any given moment, it merits a closer look.

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: At OSU, USC lined up to punt in the third quarter from deep in their own territory. A botched snap flew over the punter's head and zoomed out the end zone, leading to a safety. The resulting return by the Buckeyes lead to another three points. Fail.

Taken earlier this week at the practice fields at USC, secret pictures from the inside show the Men of Troy as they practice kicking. Source: approximately everywhere on the internet.

What Clock Management? The Notre Dame-UM contest was highly anticipated. RichRod fought to not look like a weasel and Charlie Weis fought to not have his team personally condemned by the Pope if they choke another season away. Ignoring the obvious fact that both teams have no secondaries, Michigan's Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier is hot stuff right now. He's running it in, he's passing it in, he's even punting. In other news, I didn't know the Punt, Pass, and Kick contest had a 15-18 year old bracket! With three minutes left in the 4th, Charlie Weis and his Apostles, up by 3, decide they want to cement the win. What should one do in this situation? (Hint, the answer is "run and bleed the clock"). What does ND do? Run for no gain. Second down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Third down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Why are you throwing the ball? Especially when you follow it with a short, 29-yard punt, setting up Michigan with prime real estate for the two-minute drill. Forcier then forced his way into the end zone for the win.

That's all for now! Remember kids: if you think the only cupcakes and turnovers are in the bakery, you're probably asleep on Saturdays.

*LeFevour now leads the MAC in total offensive yards. MSU fans would like to keep thinking that LeFevour is simply what comes before LeSwineFlu.

**Beating a dead horse like this doesn't seem the most Christian thing to do.

Saturday, Saints, and Scandals

So nevermind the Eagles running various tandem Vick/McNabb wildcat formations and the fact that the Lions actually won a game for what seems like the first time since the car was invented, did anybody see the Saints/Raiders game yesterday?  45-7? The game was an absolute joke. I don't know what the presentiment for the whole thing ending so badly was, to be honest. For one, I'm not sure how anyone can play on the same field as the Oakland As, so watching Jeremy Shockey and ilk running around on a baseball field in the extreme heat -and actually doing well- was even more of a cognitive dissonance than Shockey playing for the Saints to begin with. 

Man alive, New Orleans is looking awfully sharp! Drew Brees still knows how to steer an offense. They need to iron out some bugs (for example, rookies should know the proper number of men to have on the field by now), but despite the creases, it looks like they might be the team to beat in the NFC south this year, if this is any indication.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, what the heck's happened to the Raiders? It's not dated to say that they've been questionable since, well, approximately forever, but when a team's first line of defense is struggling against an inexperienced 3rd string offense, there are some serious issues. Also: Tom Cable is still the mad bomber, and still knows how to go red in the face and throw a challenge flag forty yards, just to make sure that it can be seen by EVERYONE, including people watching from space. Sadly, this still means there is only one person in the entire Raiders organization who can throw anything over 10 yards without having it intercepted.

I feel bad for the Raiders fans, most of which were gone by the start of the second half, but I feel even worse for the Sons of Toil at the Raiders Television Network, who brought the game to NFL network. Here are these poor three announcers, in their Raiders polo shirts, up in the booth where there is a heat index of about 150F, having to state "touchdown Saints" in the same deadpan monotone, over, and over, and over.  It was probably the equivalent of Favre ending up in the underworld with 10,000 Packer fans with the same vendetta.

***

Moving from the pros into college, an astute reporter at the Detroit Free Press has uncovered some shifty things happening at the University of Michigan (ESPN).  Five players, who wish to remain anonymous, cite that the football program and coach Rich Rodriguez violated NCAA rules by making players allot more time to training and workouts than is allowed by the Association. There are details coming out now of 11-hour practice days, excessive workouts, and lack of emphasis on important things like injury prevention and, well, academics. Nevermind my own personal beef with UofM,* this is serious business here, especially if it goes up all the way to the university's compliance officers. Perhaps more disturbing is this: suppose, playing Devil's Advocate, that these allegations aren't true. There must be an absolute load of Bad Stuff going on, then, in order for players to make the allegations. I don't know.  Adam Rittenberg at ESPN talks in a much more eloquent manner about the repercussions of Michigangate than I ever could. 

We're t-1 week away from kickoff, and I'm like a little kid on Christmas Eve. Stay tuned as Second and One attempts to answer important questions! How will the preseason end? Will Favre see more playing time with the Vikings, or just more acrimony? Will Orton and Cutler both forget who they play for tonight and screw everything up? Will Philip Rivers use his contract extension to purchase a megaphone so he can yell even louder? Will the Saints go marching out once season play starts? Is what's going on at Michigan worthy of the Death Penalty, or the biggest academic mutual misunderstanding since David Mamet wrote Oleanna?** Am I speculating too much and asking too many topical questions? We'll find out!

*They rejected me from grad school in some applied field of chemistry or another, many years ago. I think that was it. Or maybe I've just hung around with too many people from Michigan State? Six of one, half a dozen of the other?

** It doesn't end well. And what's this? A culture joke in a football blog?! KILL THE HERETIC!