No. Way.

I had to re-read this about five times. The Cincinnati Bengals have reached an agreement with Terrell Owens. (ESPN)

Let me re-iterate for those still slack-jawed in front of their computers.

The Cincinnati Bengals. Have reached. An agreement. With Terrell Owens.

Never mind the obvious questions about how TO fits into the offense, which receiver will be the odd man out, what Carson Palmer thinks about it, and whether or not this transaction will make the Bengals more than one-and-done in the playoffs next year (my answer: possible, if chemistry and egos don't get in the way): imagine the comedy when the two biggest characters to ever play a single position play on the same team! It's like it's made for reality TV! Wide receiver meetings will no longer be about which routes to run, but rather about which touchdown celebration will cause the biggest possible fine! They'll need a props closet in addition to an equipment closet!

My opinion: whatever floats their boat, I guess. I say if the Big Striped Cats really want to sell a product, that they ought to just sign Randy Moss and start the Three Stooges jokes earlier rather than later. 

That's all for now. Happy training camp, kiddies! Stay tuned for answers to all of our important training-camp questions! Why haven't the Rams signed Sam Bradford yet? Will Anthony Gonzalez actually get any playing time with the Colts this season? Is Favre coming back? Who will lose Mike Martz's game of Musical Tight Ends in Chicago? Who's starting at QB in Denver? In Buffalo? How about at RB for the Jets? Will the Titans find their second cornerback, or will Cortland Finnegan have to master the art of quantum superposition?* What are the Steelers doing without both Roethlisberger and Holmes? 

*Ok, so I need to explain this one with a mini-Soliloquy O' Science. Superposition is a principle in quantum physics that says that a body (or "particle") does not exist in one place or state, but rather, in all places or states at the same time. I think it also involves state vectors, and some guy named Heisenberg, but I lack the Dennis Miller-esque bravado to make this analogy work further. I'll just say that if any cornerback is capable of it, it's probably Finnegan. And maybe Darrelle Revis. 

Draft

Did anyone watch the draft this past weekend? I had the opening round on as ambient noise, from Commissioner Goodell's opening remarks, through the Giants and Jets fans going ballistic, to the Drew Brees cameo, while I fooled around in my house and played games on my computer. I didn't see the other six rounds, as one night I had to go to some kind of work function and the second night I was with a group of people who wanted to watch Avatar instead (which, despite looking silly in the previews, was actually a decent movie). I have had this entry written for about four days now, but a whole host of things at work caused me to neglect it. I was, however, sent a variety of e-mails and was reading various news sites all weekend, where I discovered that some very unexpected things happened in the 2010 draft.

What the...? The first, of course, is that Tim Tebow got drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos, whose "continually trade down" strategy seemed to confuse everyone. Of course, this climactic part of the draft came when I decided it would be a good idea to take a shower, so I was left standing there soaking wet trying to figure out what had just happened. Tim Tebow to the Broncos? Did I slip on the soap and hit my head? First of all, by drafting Tebow, I don't think the Broncos organization is showing the public that they have a lot of faith in Kyle Orton (or Brady Quinn for that matter) unless they plan to play Tebow off-position*, which seems extraordinarily unlikely. More concerning, I'm not sure Tebow's SEC-style is a good fit for the Broncos' offense, which seems to be built around short passes and trying to psych out the opponents' cornerbacks, or at least until the team totally collapses around mid-November. Nonetheless, some teams have made this work (albeit inconsistently) like the Titans, and I believe Vince Young's success last season raised Tebow's stock considerably, but more often these experiments fail hopelessly (see synonyms at "Tarvaris Jackson" and "JaMarcus Russell"). 

So Suh Me: The Lions, who have been attempting to rebuild their team since approximately the Eisenhower administration, drafted both Cal RB Jahvid Best and 307-lb Nebraska tackling machine Ndamukong Suh. Now, we here at Second and One just love people with funny names, and according to many sources, the name "Ndamukong," in some tribal language from Cameroon, means "House of Spears." Is there a cooler name for a defensive tackle than that? He might as well be called "Killer" or "I'll tear your ACL." Can you imagine this guy pounding Brett Favre or Jay Cutler into the grass? It's enough to give offensive linemen an instant stroke, if the 10 cheeseburgers they eat every day doesn't do that first. Additionally, the Lions drafted a cornerback and a defensive end, along with -wait for it- another wide receiver. 

Nevermind the obvious questions like "Is he a good fit for the Lions' defensive scheme?" or "how does he feel about living in Detroit?" - Does he really have a house of spears!? (Source: jetswit.com)

One of the great cognitive disconnects in football, to me, are the defensive backs whom, despite being total animals on the field, are the nicest guys you could possibly imagine when they're not playing football. Ndamukong Suh seems like this kind of guy. Nice and soft-spoken, and also donated several million dollars to his alma mater for a scholarship fund. How about Jonathan Vilma, who's a linebacker for the Saints, who donated tons of money to disaster relief in Haiti? Or Charles Tillman, who lobbies congress and the FDA to approve experimental heart treatments? Or my favorite, Troy Polamalu, who admits his favorite hobbies are spending time with his wife, playing the piano, and gardening? It's extremely hard to imagine someone who earns a paycheck by assaulting people for 60 minutes every Sunday coming home and re-potting begonias. 

What the...? Part 2: The Bears, in round 6, drafted Central Michigan University QB Dan LeFevour, who is best known for his MAC record-breaking run-and-gun style. Yes, read it again. The Bears had long talked about adding a veteran QB as Jay Cutler insurance, but absolutely nobody expected them to take a rookie. However, as a Bears fan, I'm rather excited about this prospect (and, if my comments were still functional, I'd probably be spammed into oblivion by pessimistic Bears fans). Here's why. 1. The Bears need QB depth. Period. Caleb Hanie hasn't taken a snap in who-knows how long and the team is one twisted ankle away of having Devin Hester try to throw the ball and run down the field to catch it. 2. I have actually seen LeFevour play several times (albeit, against my favorite college team), and the kid's really no slouch. He also started 51 straight games (an NCAA record), holds several conference passing yard records, lead the CMU Chippewas to 4 bowl games, and made my favorite college team's linebackers go absolutely insane chasing him around. Also, according to the buzzing Chicago media, LeFevour is actually a Bears fan. (chicagobreakingsports). Now, the Bears are known for having a collective draft IQ of like, four, but I actually would give them at least a B this year. They saw where talent was, and they went after it. Notable other pickups include free safety Major Wright (from Florida), defensive end Corey Wootten (Northwestern), and OT J'Marcus Webb (who is six-foot-eight, and is from West Texas A&M, wherever that is.)

And now, we conclude by listing the best, worst, and weirdest of 2010:

Best: By trading away picks, Seattle was able to acquire both former Titans power-back LenDale White and Jets RB Leon Washington. This is extremely good for the mediocre Seahawks, who are so poor at rushing (26th last season!) that I can't even name a starting running back (and I'm generally pretty good at naming the starters for many positions - even kickers.)** 

The Jaguars also play in the lamely-named Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. "Municipal Stadium?" What the heck is this, the city power plant? (Source: football.ballparks.com)

Worst: The Jacksonville Jaguars, who are suffering at QB, drafted defensive lineman Tyson Alualu (Cal) in the first round, and followed with four other defensive backs. Wouldn't it make more sense for the Jags to have taken Tim Tebow, who went to a city where there are now more quarterbacks than air molecules, and, who Second and One dryly notes, is actually from Jacksonville? The Jaguars are currently one of the weakest markets in the NFL. They sold only around 74% of their seats last year, prompting the largest profit loss of 09 and all of this talk about moving the team to Los Angeles. (ticketnews.com) Wouldn't it make sense, both morally and economically, for the Jaguars to have drafted someone who could guarantee that they'd sell out the stadium every game? 

Weirdest: The San Francisco 49ers were ranked 22nd in passing last season and a mediocre 18th in ability to score. Wouldn't it make sense to draft a quarterback? Yet, the 49ers drafted three defenders, two offensive linemen, and a tight end who admits he likes hitting people until they bleed.(sfgate.com) While this is great for a team that wants to become more physical, who are these big boys protecting? Alex Smith, who had a worse QB rating last year than both David Garrard and Vince Young, if that's possible. Wouldn't it make more sense to draft a young gunslinger?

Anyway, this concludes most of what I wanted to say about the draft. I'll hopefully be able to resume more frequent posting.

*WR? TE? Team Chaplain?

**Theirs is Olindo Mare, and no, I did not just cheat and look that up.

...April Madness?

First, the housekeeping news. The spamming/porn-bombing failed to cease after my last threat note on this. In fact, it seems to have increased exponentially. Therefore, I have permanently hidden the comments section. Sorry to anyone this might inconvenience.

Now, onto the sports! First, I was tenth in my bracket pool this year (out of 15). All in all a rather lackluster finish, even in a year where everyone flunked at brackets. Congrats to the boys over at Duke on their win. I love these "Cinderella stories," so I was rooting for Butler (and watching every youtube video that consisted of concentrated anti-Duke rhetoric, which in turn consisted of mostly invoking Godwin's Law on Duke's Coach, whose last name has two vowels and approximately seventeen consonants. But I digress). Alas, the bulldogs were outplayed (especially with regard to shooting field goals), despite their sheer ability to hang in there. I suppose the good thing about this is that a (comparatively) microscopic school like Butler gets more exposure. According to Wikipedia, Butler was founded originally as a Christian college by Ovid Butler, an abolitionist lawyer. They're a private liberal arts college of about 4,000 students, located approximately six miles outside of Indianapolis.(Wikipedia) Huh. Who knew? 

In other news, the Rams released QB Marc Bulger yesterday, leading to an increase in the Sam Bradford Draft Rumors, and if not, leaving Kyle Boller to steer St. Louis' ship o' suckage for a while (ESPN). Several other teams, including the Steelers and Bears, have expressed interest in Bulger as possible "Quarterback Insurance," which would not be a bad idea for either team if we're operating under the principle that if one's shiny sports car breaks down you can always start up the beater in the garage.   

If anyone who may be reading hasn't heard, Donovan McNabb, who has been the face of the Eagles since, uh, erm, I can remember, has been traded to the Washington Redskins for one draft pick this year and one next year. Ok. Close your eyes and picture this. Poor Donny McNabb on the same team as Rex Grossman, a porous offensive line, and the people whom, last season, engineered some of the world's worst and most absurd trick plays. I don't know what's going to be more hilarious to watch in the coming year: the Redskins or Capitol Hill. The Eagles now have Kevin Kolb (and Michael Vick) at the helm, and the fantasy stock of Kolb's unquestioned favorite target - TE Brent "Scores Six Frajillion Points The Moment You Bench Him" Celek - just went through the ceiling and onto the roof.

I'm sorry. I can see Shanahan dressed as a clown, Andy Reid in an evening gown, and both of them getting married in the gazebo in this picture before I can see McNabb in anyone's colors except Philly's. Source: Sports.popcrunch.com

Finally, Cleveland Browns' nose tackle Shaun Rogers is facing concealed weapons charges for trying to bring a loaded gun onto an airplane (ESPN, AP). Rogers claims he is innocent, and that he "did not know the gun was in his bag." For ordinary people, I might say this is a load of beans (as in, you generally know if you have your gun or not, people!) but for Rogers, this actually might fly (no pun intended.) Shaun Rogers, who is 350 lbs and topped out at approximately 390 when he played for Detroit, likely needs a suitcase the size of a bus to accommodate his pads, clothing, and enough food to feed a small city. It seems a game of Where's Waldo would likely be easier than even finding a gun in all of that!

That's all for now. What is it, three weeks until draft day?

Weekend O' Wreckage

In case anyone wonders: Yes. I had a great time last night. The team I was rooting for ended up losing a nail-biter by three points, but it was an evening game, the weather was perfect, and the atmosphere was absolutely terrific. 

And now, Upsets!

Another One Bites the Dust: Yesterday,  #4 (Mississippi) was knocked off by South Carolina; Iowa beat Penn State (#5) by 11 points, and Cal (#6) was positively vaporized by Oregon, 42-3. Additionally, FSU (#18) lost to the University of Southern Florida (whoever the heck they are); and #24 (Washington) was buried by Stanford. 

There were also some amazingly close shaves: Clemson came within four of TCU (15), as did Mississippi State and LSU (7), and Houston (17) eeked out a win by a single point.  In other news, it's reported that the country's top computer scientists and programmers are now working around the clock to rebuild the BCS computer after it crashed and subsequently exploded last night.

This is Why You Go For It: The demoralized Michigan State Spartans, buried under a pile of points by Brett Bielema's Wisconsin boys in the 3rd quarter, opted, on 4th and 7 on the UW 10 to kick a field goal. Um...why did you do that? You're 1-2, psychologically messed up, on the road, down by two scores, being smeared by a team that calls themselves the Badgers, for God's sake, and you're knocking on the end zone's door? Show some Spartan fortitude and punch that sucker in! Instead, they kicked, and now are 1-3.

Also, did anyone see the video of Mark Dantonio sulking on the sidelines in the final seconds of the game? He had a scowl that probably could've made a linebacker cry.

This is Why You Don't Go For It: The Florida State Seminoles, greedy to be the first to put seven on the board, found themselves 4th and goal on the USF 2.  Ty Jones then rushed for one yard, but couldn't get it in, resulting in turnover on downs. USF then took the ball, from their own one-yard line, drove it downfield in two minutes - complete with a deep 77-yard pass from QB BJ Daniels - and scored. FSU, why didn't you kick for three? USF then went on to score again, while FSU finished the half with a goose-egg on the board. Mind you: they laid this one themselves.

I found myself wondering what on earth was going on with this game: FSU's pretty good. Nobody knows there's even a university in South Florida. It was almost like these two teams had switched places. And then I realized it: USF is FSU backwards! A palindromic matchup! Coincidence...or MURDER?*

"Aha! You stole our name and our spirit! You're going down!" Source: AP, Phil Coale.

Also, Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: USF missed two field goals. And still won the game.

Another Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: In the heavily-anticipated Purdue/Notre Dame skirmish, Purdue had 78 yards rushing, and 103 yards of penalties, including "taunting." The official NCAA Rulebook defines this as an "unsportsmanlike conduct" foul. Also under their heading of "unsportsmanlike conduct:" simulating the firing of a weapon or slashing of the throat, beating or crossing one's chest over a prone player, altering one's stride whilst scoring unopposed, bowing at the waist, going into the stands to interact with spectators, removing one's helmet, showboating (which they refer to as "delayed, excessive, prolonged, or choreographed acts by which a player (or player) attempts to focus attention upon himself (or themselves)", spiking the ball beyond conserving clock, and tossing the ball into the air (or anywhere where the official must go find it). Holy cats, Batman! 2ndand1 also surmises Purdue was penalized for having no secondary on the field, looking at the cheerleaders, standing one Angstrom** in the neutral zone, and breathing too loudly!

An Aesthetic Thought: At the game last night, I couldn't help but notice that the flag girls were carrying the ugliest flags I have ever seen. A big green, yellow and purple lightning bolt? Erm...precisely what this design had to do with the team, whose mascot is nowhere near a lightning bolt, and whose colors are nowhere near green, yellow, and purple, I have no idea. It looked like a bad Roller Derby show, or worse yet, like the San Diego Chargers had a garage sale in which they unloaded all of their campy 1970s memorabilia. 

***

And now switching to the pros, some prognostication!

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati: The Steelers, despite not being able to kick a ball straight and losing a heartbreaker to the Bears, have a sophisticated offense and talented receivers. However, the Bengals are coming in hot after upsetting the Packers at home - complete with Chad Ochocinco's Lambeau Leap. (youtube, via blacksportsonline. Warning: Rude gestures in the background.) Who knows. I'm taking Pittsburgh, but by less than one might think.

Cleveland @ Baltimore: the Browns are a mess. Team chemistry is suffering as cacaphony erupts in the locker room and Mangini irritates the team into filing grievances.(ESPN) Currently without two offensive linemen and Jamal Lewis, whom my friend Judy describes as "the only one who can score," they come up against Baltimore, who eeked out the high-voltage Chargers last week and continue to put up solid defense. Additionally, the Browns have not scored an offensive touchdown since...uh...since...Good heavens, I can't remember. Baltimore by at least 10. 

Washington @ Detroit: Neither team seems to be able to get it started offensively. Detroit rookie QB Matt Stafford has thrown one touchdown and five picks; whereas Washington has scored one offensive touchdown all season (and one by their punter.) Second and One predicts a 0-0 tie, ending in the final overtime with Washington missing a field goal.

Chicago @ Seattle: Matt Hasselbeck is not expected to even dress for the game today. While backup Seneca Wallace is fairly athletic, nobody knows what TJ Houshmandzadeh is actually doing for the Seahawks yet. The Bears are wound up on adrenaline after besting the Steelers last week, proving that their defense is still cohesive without MLB Brian Urlacher. On the other hand, the Seahawks prove to be one of the stingiest pass defenses in the league, having not allowed a passing touchdown this season. Thenagain, they've played St. Louis and San Francisco. The Bears' receiver core, consisting thus far of Earl Bennett, Devin Hester, and rookie Johnny Knox, is beginning to gel, however, and could be the team to break this streak, possibly using RB Matt Forte as both running back and option guy. I'll pick the Bears. 

New Orleans @ Buffalo: The Buffalo Bills are ranked 31st in pass defense this season so far. Drew Brees is flying so hot that he'll burn up if he ever re-enters the atmosphere. This is all we need to know. Too easy. Next.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: The Fighting Nucleophiles, official Fantasy Team of 2ndand1, got annihilated last week. Quick: Do I start Boss or Celek at tight end?

As it seems I'm out of time now, analysis to come later.

*Looking at the way FSU was manhandled, I'd say the latter...

**Another Mini Soliloquy O' Science: One Angstrom (A) is defined as one ten-billionth of a meter. For comparative purposes, most bonds between atoms are between one and two Angstroms. 

Cat-astrophic

If anyone should have been prowling around for a quarterback after last season's mortifying playoff choke, maybe it should've been the Carolina Panthers. Alas, I am now informed that they have given Jake Delhomme a five-year extension. Supposedly, the Big Black Cats are 54-33 when Delhomme starts, and 6-10 when he sits. Now, barring the obvious "that's not a large enough sample pool to statistically judge Delhomme's performance" beeswax for the latter stat, his statement that "[...] last year was a good year that ended terribly" is the Understatement of the Year and it's not even May.

Fortunately, for us bloggers, another possible half-a-decade left to make fun of someone is a blessing from the comedy gods. 

Not so much for the Panthers, methinks.