Lots of Things

Let's see. We've got so much in the news these days. We've got the Saints and Patriots who are making the scoreboard spin, the Big 10 et al's horrible new logo, the choke-tastic Jets, the entire AFC South being garbage, Cam Newton winning the Heisman, Albert Haynesworth getting suspended for refusing to play in any defensive scheme that the Redskins could possibly dream up, the Fighting Nucleophiles winning three straight, my boyfriend shooting the television with a nerf gun whenever the Lions found themselves on the slamming end of a bogus call, and something about a quarterback problem in Cincinnati, but this is all just talk. My favorite piece of news from the past week: the collapse of the Metrodome. If it hasn't been jammed down your throat a million times, the roof of the Metrodome caved in because of a heavy snowstorm that whomped the entire Midwest. Not only is it amazing video, but it happens to be a ridiculously apropos metaphor for the Vikings' entire season! Check it out!

Monday Fallout

The news breaks today that, after a positively nightmarish 1-7 start, Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips has been given the boot. (ESPN Dallas). Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett has been named in his interim. The change comes less than 12 hours after the Cowboys were murdered on national TV by Green Bay in a 45-7 contest. I'm not sure firing Phillips was the right choice, but someone had to get canned for this fiasco because the last time such naughty and scandalous things happened to Cowboys, Brokeback Mountain won Oscars for it.

***

And now, here's an amazing bloop play that someone sent me earlier, c/o Driscoll Middle School. What is this, a fake timeout? an uncalled false start? The best trick play of the year has just been executed by...twelve year olds. See for yourself! 

To come later: a children's treasury of Truly Special Special Teams.

Reader Challenge #1!

Last week I polled a group of people (via Facebook and such). I asked the following question:

"In your opinion, which touchdown celebration would cause the biggest possible fine, and who would you like to see perform it?"

And the results are in!

"I enjoy the flips into the end zone at the end of the run or after it. I lols when big guys in pads can show that sort of athleticism." - Angela W.

"Off the top of my head I think a dance routine a la tango would be amusing. You know which two I have in mind here...the clowns." -Eric J. [presumably he means Owens and Ochocinco]

"Something with pyrotechnics (on the field)." - Jeff R.

"Hmm, I need to think about #3 but I know I'd want Chad Ochocinco to perform it. Yeah I'm going to need some time for this one but it would probably involve him mocking the Stoolers." -Judy R.

"I didn't know there were different types of touch down dances...I think the best performers are always the bigger guys...there is more joy when they score!" - Jessica H.

"Bye bye bye" (n*sync) dance performed by Tony Siragusa." - Marc R.

Thanks to everyone who participated! In honor of end zone hi-jinx, here's ESPN's list of the best NFL touchdown celebrations (Youtube, ESPN).

Videospam!

Two questions stemming from yesterday's games:

1. What, at 0:07 into this video, is Aaron Rodgers doing in his touchdown celebration? (NFL, click on Rodgers Runs It In.)

a) Showing off his, erm, rushing ability to the fans;

b) Metaphorically saying he's "belting" the Steelers;

c) Solstice-appropriate fertility ritual;

d) Let's do the time warp again...

2. What, exactly, is the best headline for what happened to Raiders' defensive tackle Tommy Kelly? (Youtube)

a) Denver lost their shirt, Oakland lost their pants;

b) The Raiders haven't seen a you-know-what this big since Jon Gruden was coach;

c) Poor coverage;

d) Tommy, that's Devin Hester on line two; 

e) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Rear;

f) At least he's not the defensive end.

More to come...

Week 10 Wackiness

I won't lie. I've got the worst case of writers' block imaginable. After yet another agonizing week of diminishing returns at work, I'm exhausted. So this will be yet another lite version of Second and One.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! This week's category is biased, because both the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Scoring Machines were up against two teams with a combined record of 2-14. Brett Favre, in his 300th NFL start, passed for an astonishing 20/29, 344 yards, and one score. Fun Fact: Over 200 yards of this pass-a-palooza were caught by Sidney Rice. However, we must remember that this was against the Lions. Despite rare flashes of brilliance, the Lions are sidelined by injuries, rookies, and a kind of timidity that manifests itself in surrendering points and outright lack of intensity. I honestly think at this point that cabbage looks more menacing than the Big Losing Cats. 

While nothing out of the NFC west looks promising (the entire division is a combined 14-22) the Rams look better a lot better than the Lions - of course they do, they beat them in week 8. Against Breesus and his Apostles,* the Rams put forth amazing effort and hung tight, likely aided by injuries on the Saints' defense (such as safety Darren Sharper, who can intercept everything but telegrams from spies), and problems up front (to possibly compensate for these injuries, the Saints stacked the box. RB Steven Jackson got out of the box). The end result? Drew Brees had to overcompensate yet again, finding the end zone twice and pushing NO to its first 9-0 start...ever. Plus: I love this new commercial for the Play60 program. (NFL) Drew Brees' #1 wideout? President Obama. Ergo, despite throwing two picks on Sunday, Brees wins this category because of this alone. On the new Second and One Assignment O' Awesomeness, where one is a kiss from your mom and 10 would be the offspring of Jackie Chan and Megan Fox killing zombies with a diamond-studded chainsaw, this is at least a 149.

Ridiculously Sick Series of Ridiculously Sick Plays: Sometimes, football is predictable. One watching says "ok, that's a run." "Ok, that's a deep pass." "Ok, they're going to fade to the corner of the end zone." "Ok. The Washington Redskins are kicking a field goal...or are they?" Against the Broncos, the Redskins didn't have much to work with. RB Clinton Portis was out with a concussion. Kyle Orton was dismembering the 'Skins secondary, who appeared to have Deer-in-the-Headlitis. It just wasn't looking good. Washington was down by 7, 4th and 20, with under 7 minutes in the second, and lined up to try a fire-drill of field goal to cut the differential before slogging into the locker room. They attempted a fake, but had to call a time out mid-execution because they only had ten men on the field! It looked laughably, hideously bad - and their secret was exposed to Denver. 

Senator Vreenak could tell us that it was a fake, too! Source: Jordanhoffman.com; Paramount Pictures. A Trek reference in a football blog? KILL THE HERETIC!

As red in the face as their goofy namesake, Washington then trots the punt team onto the field. The Broncos appeared confident that they had sniffed out a rat...but Washington promptly ran the exact same fake again, and punter Hunter Smith heaved the ball to Mike Sellers - straight into the endzone, and the only kicking the 'Skins did on this drive was the XP! (Highlights c/o NFL.com) This series is a rarity in that it is like a witty sitcom - it is both incredibly stupid and incredibly smart at the same time! Nice work, 'Skins!

Shakin' Things Up! Oh, the Browns. After a bye week that involved a quarterback change and people getting fired, they came out and embarrassed themselves, at home, on Monday Night Football, against the Baltimore Ravens. 

I will start by saying this. The Blackbirds' offense looks generally dreadful lately. They've lost four of their past five games. Joe Flacco was held to just 155 yards in the air. Kicker Steve Hauschka missed another field goal - his fourth of the season - and another extra point, and was promptly fired (keep in mind they cut their other kicker, Matt Stover, who returns to see the Ravens again on Sunday - he's playing in Indianapolis.) Both teams looked so awful that it was the first NFL game of the season that was scoreless at the entr'acte. 

Chop blocks and laying around? Maybe he'd be better on defense. Source: Joshua Gunter, the Plain Dealer.

But what of the Browns? Sure, they have Josh Cribbs, but he's now injured and any smidge of offense is crippled by overly-conservative, low-impact play calling (apparently "going deep" is too risque a concept for television). They suffer at wide receiver, and RB Jamal Lewis plans on retiring soon. They score so infrequently that most of the team probably could not locate the goal line on a map of a football field. And then Brady Quinn throws a block that has now sidelined Ravens' LB Terrell Suggs - for his first time in seven years. And Quinn won't even say how much the league fined him for his idiocy. What in God's Great Galaxy is wrong with the Cleveland Browns?

The news in Cleveland is that LeBron James - the star of the only team worth following in Cleveland (the Cavaliers) - would like to play football. (ESPN) And Browns Coach Eric Mangini is thinking about it. And you know, if I were Mangini, I might be thinking about it. The Browns, quite frankly, suck harder than an open window on a space flight,** and James was an all-pro wideout in high school. Ignoring the logistics of what would happen to the Cavaliers (for now), I say go for it. Other teams have shaken things up and gotten results. The Buccaneers were blowing harder than a wind tunnel, started Freeman at QB, and beat the Packers. The Titans were biting harder than Mike Tyson, started Vince Young, and have won their last 3. You're 1-8. What have you got to lose?

Amusing Announcing: Returning from the halftime break, Fox announcers read off a list of injured Detroit Lions - a few injured in the first half against the Vikes - and then quipped, "The Detroit sideline looks like a bad episode of House." In the third quarter of the Patriots/Colts skirmish, NBC announcers watched Peyton Manning pitch the pigskin at approximately the speed of sound, and then quipped, "That was a Halley's Comet. You only see that once every seventy-five years." And an unknown college announcer stated after a missed field goal, "Shank you very much." Keep the clever calls coming, commentators!

Is This Why You Go For It?: While we're talking about the Patriots and Colts, everyone is talking about Bill Belichick's decisive call to have the Patriots go for it while 4th and 2 on their own 28-yard line. I'll give the short summary in case people did not see the game. They were ahead. They went for it. They didn't convert by about three inches. The Colts, off the ensuing turnover on downs, scored and won by a single point, and the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium just about blew off. Time for my opinion: regardless of whether it was smart decision making, stupid decision making, blind arrogance, or just plain madness: it was the right call. The Indy defense had a hard time stopping the Patriots, but the Pats' defense obviously could not corral the Colts, despite the latter's slow start and Manning's two interceptions. Of course, anything could have happened had the Patriots punted. The Indy Stampede could have run the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. The kickoff could have been fumbled. There could have been an interception.  A bogus penalty. Pass interference. Extracurriculars. An earthquake. Heck, Joseph Addai could have held onto the ball for the remaining two minutes and made all of this speculation moot. Whatever. Belichick gambled - and sometimes, when you gamble, you lose. But when your defense is on the ropes, the absolute last thing you want to do is give the ball to Peyton Manning, who threw for 327 yards and four touchdowns. 

If anything, the problem was the way the Patriots ran the fateful play. A short flank pass to Kevin Faulk? Come on. Run that puppy up the gut!

I would have better luck starting Captain Morgan at tight end. Or maybe Mickey Mouse. Or Betty Crocker. Or your mom. Source: Getty Images.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Addai. Rice. The Ravens' defense. Wes Welker. A third consecutive nucleophilic attack! The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are mounting a comeback that rivals the Chargers here, folks! 

The one sour spot? I blew it at tight end. I opted to start Visanthe Shiancoe, employing the oft-effective "whoever plays the Lions" rule, and he stood around like shrubbery for the entire game, while Brent Celek continued his trend of scoring, celebrating in the end zone, and making both his opponents (and yours truly) completely miserable. 

In other news, the Earth revolves around the sun, and I am putting this into the Undeniable Facts of Life category: Death, Taxes, Inflation, Adultery, Buttered Bread Always Landing Buttered-Side-Down, and Having One Position On Your Fantasy Team That You Always @#$& up with.

Tomorrow is my favorite college team's biggest rivalry game, and I'm really looking forward to it. More news to come after!

*I must give credit where credit is due: the reference is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

**As the trend appears to be one of borrowing tonight, I will thank my buddy Eric, a fellow football nut and avid reader, for the silly simile!

The Great Below

NFL opening weekend! 

First, the Lions prove that they still cannot get anything started offensively. It's like watching a car stalling, whereupon the team proceeds to get out and push. Rookie QB Matt Stafford threw a craptacular three interceptions, while Drew Brees, leading the New Orleans Scoring Machines, continues to make us all question if he is really human, throwing six touchdowns. I propose someone should make a Saints Drinking Game: Whenever Brees throws a touchdown, drink a Boilermaker in honor of his alma mater. Of course, by the third quarter, you'd be so pie-eyed you won't remember who's playing, and Second and One reminds you to never drive drunk, for not only legal and safety reasons, but for fear of looking like Detroit on offense.

***

The weekend was not without its share of absurd plays and outright miracles. First, the Denver Broncos prove that the Football Gods have embarrassed them enough with the McDaniels/Cutler/Shanahan/Cassel/Whoever Else debacle, and down against Cincinnati with seconds remaining, Orton threw a deep pass which was tipped by a Cincy defender, directly into the hands of Brandon Stokley, who ran it 87 yards for the score, stopping to jog outside the end zone to shave seconds off the clock. Ladies and Gentlemen: we have a new candidate for Immaculate Reception! See it here (NFL), along with CBS' Gus Johnson just about having a coronary in the booth! The collective tears of the Bengals after this fluke could've literally put the Mile High City under water. 

The best trick play of the weekend goes to the Washington Redskins, who were shut out by seventeen at the half with about thirty seconds left before heading to the locker room. Shaun Suisham lined up for a field goal, but a genius fake resulted, where Suisham pretended to kick, and punter Hunter Smith, holding for Suisham, ran the ball into the end zone. Wow! (youtube) How often do you get to see a punter spike the ball in celebration? Nice work, 'Skins! 

Sunday, sadly, was a very disappointing day for us Bears fans, however. Bears/Packers football is always ridiculously entertaining and ridiculously nerve-wracking, but I don't even know where to start with this game: it was a classic, NFC central defensive showdown: both quarterbacks failed from approximately eighteen different directions. Cutler, in his debut as a Bear, threw four interceptions (beaten only by Jake Delhomme's four interceptions and a fumble). Rodgers was repeatedly folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield by the Bears' aggressive defense, and found it difficult to concentrate with DE Adewale Ogunleye in his face every snap. The Packers' D itself made an amazing showing, switching from 3-4 zone formations to solid man coverage effortlessly. 

Congrats, Brian Urlacher: You played approximately 1/60 of the season! Get well soon! (dunno source).

Where the Bears really suffered was on the offensive side of the ball. Did the offense forget the game was at Lambeau and not Soldier field? Cutler, growing increasingly frustrated with his poor performance, lost his accuracy. Receivers didn't run their routes completely, or stood around doing absolutely nothing. Seemingly, and bewilderingly, Cutler also suffered a massive disconnect from tight end Greg Olsen, his close friend and one of his favorite targets. I'm not entirely sure where the disconnect was, but they were not seeing eye-to-eye in the huddle, and Olsen had one touch the entire game. Was it simply that the Packers watched so many preseason tapes that they decided to practically paint Olsen green the whole game? The twelve-year-olds that run this blog, however, have another theory: Olsen and Cutler are simply really getting tired of the gay jokes, which are all over the football blogosphere.* Additionally, sportswriters are fueling it by repeatedly penning mooshy gooshy bilge about this particular QB and TE, not leaving much to the imagination. (Chicago Tribune. Warning: it's safe for work, but really nauseating, and is best not read whilst eating.) What next, we get to hear about Brad Maynard and Robbie Gould's slumber parties? Do they paint each others' nails and have pillow fights in their nighties? Are the Bears jut the real life equivalent of the London Sillynannies?

The agony didn't stop there. On 4th down in their own territory, center Olin Kreutz and long snapper Patrick Mannelly decided to automatic a fake punt for purposes of capturing a twelfth man on the field, a la Peyton Manning. Of course, the play failed, there was no 12th man on the field, Chicago lost the challenge, and Bears fans collectively face-planted into the floor. I was watching this from my friend's incredibly hot second-floor apartment, in pitch blackness, sweating and cursing and cradling my head in my hands. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever anger God/the gods/the powers that be enough to merit being sent to hell/the underworld/the Arena Football League that this is how I will spend my eternal damnation: nauseated, overheating, eyestrained into next Sunday, and watching the Bears choke away the lead in high definition.

To add insult to injury (or rather, to add injury to insult), fan-beloved Chicago MLB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a severely dislocated wrist, presumably from tacking GB RB Ryan Grant in the first half of Sunday night's travesty. It did not look like a serious injury to those watching, but then again, if anyone is going to run off the field screaming in pain, it's not Urlacher. Those more medically inclined than I can read the gory details here.  In the absence of Urlacher, Hunter Hillenmeyer will step up at the middle position, but I believe the damage runs much deeper: in addition to being a good linebacker with a propensity for absolutely ringing the bells of those he tackles, Urlacher spearheads the defense, acting as both captain and motivational speaker. Will the D now stand for "disorganized?" "Well," as my dad lamented yesterday, "so much for winning the division!"

The Bears' defense, sans Brian Urlacher. Source: Kim Grossman, Jpegmag.

It is not all sturm and drang, however: The Fighting Nucleophiles**, official fantasy team of Second and One, won their first game, starring Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker, and Devin Hester as a strong receiver core.  

Remember kids: that which doesn't kill you only makes you tackle harder next time.

*Cris Collinsworth, you did not help this. 

**Mini Soliloquy O' Science: A "nucleophile" is any chemical species that possesses lots of electrons, and thus, an affinity for the nucleus of an atom. The reactions of nucleophiles are often very violent, ergo, "fighting."

Extremely funny commercials

I'm a little short on time right now, but check out these ridiculously awesome  fantasy draft commercials by the NFL that are making their rounds through the Interwebs. Seriously, on the awesome-o-meter, where 1 is a kiss from mummy and 10 is Samuel L. Jackson fighting a Corvette full of zombie ninja bikini models, this is about a 468. 

Although, as a Bears fan who has seen lots of Packer games, I can tell you that Mason Crosby cannot kick that high.