A Funny!

I'm unusually busy today, but this graph I made captures exactly what happens when we play fantasy football.

The Chemical Bowl

Boyfriend and I are playing each other in fantasy football this week. The 'Nukes take on the Adamantane Assault in the Chemical Bowl* in about 40 minutes. Leading the charge on my end are the always-present Tom Brady and Wes Welker, along with Dwayne Bowe and Steve Breaston (bye week replacement). At running back, we have Beanie "I'm Not Sick But I'm Not" Wells and San Diego fullback Mike Tolbert, who appears to be the new valedictorian in the Joseph Addai School of Goal-Line Powerbacking. I'm starting Tony Moeaki at tight end this week. Readers will recall my love-hate affair with this position last year. It's very firmly "hate" this year, as my team seems to have collapsed like a house of cards the minute Dallas Clark was placed on IR. And I have Robbie Gould at kicker and the Saints' defense. Against Carolina. 

What we hope the Chemical Bowl will be like! Danger! Chemical Weapons Testing! Source: original unknown.

Official Boyfriend of Second and One is starting Carson Palmer, Pierre Garcon, Dez Bryant, Marques Colston, Ahmad Bradshaw, Willis McGahee, Jeremy Shockey, Neil Rackers, and the Jets' D. It's predicted to be a big shootout, but knowing the way our predicting algorithm works this season (read as: not very well), neither of us will get off the ground.

Probably a more realistic depiction of the Chemical Bowl. Source: shutterstock.com.

*Boyfriend is also an organic chemist. "Adamantane" is a funny-shaped, oddly greasy molecule and has nothing to do with him "adamantly" insisting that he's going to win this game.

One Big Collection of Stuff!

It was a weekend full of insanity. The Top 10 in the BCS polls are making the scoreboards explode. Peyton spanked his little brother on national television. The Bears beat the Cowboys and made me very happy. As I need to leave town on Friday for family obligations, posting this week will be limited. Ergo, every note I made this week will be dumped into one big entry. This follows. Regular features to come later. 

Another One Bites The Dust: The sole top-25-toppling-upset of the week: #9 Iowa falling to #24 Arizona because of a late TD to put the wildcats up 34-27. "Obviously, we're disappointed." Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz said. Ferentz, who has a history of saying obvious things, must also be reminded that it is only the fourth week of the season, that butter contains a lot of fat, and that Des Moines is the state capital. 

Graduates of the Bill Belicheck School of Opponent Demoralization, Magna Cum Laude: Our Whomping of the Week award goes again to #5 Oregon, who pulverized Portland State 69-0. Other honor roll mentions: #3 Boise State, who beat Wyoming by 45 points, #1 Alabama, who beat Duke by 49, #14 Utah, who blasted New Mexico (the perennial punching bag of the Pac-10 and Mountain West) by 42, and my personal favorite, the St. Francis of Pennsylvania Red Flash (Division I-AA) who blanked the Sacred Heart Pioneers by an astonishing 41-0. Super Special Obscur-o-mention: my alma mater's team (the Division II Northern Michigan Wildcats) won by 39 against the Findlay Oilers last week. Keep up the good work, boys!

Funny Names, NFL Edition: This isn't so much one player with a funny name, as it is three players and a coach. Nobody thinks about the Buffalo Bills' offensive line much, but I couldn't help but notice that three members are men named Wood, Wang, and Levitre. Their assistant coach: a fellow by the equally hilarious name of "Johnson." In this context, it's really too bad Dick Jauron got fired...

You may proceed to giggle and point at will. Source: fantasy-info.com.

Truly Special Special Teams: We really hate to keep making fun of the hit-and-miss Tennessee Titans here, but when they allow Pittsburgh to return the opening kickoff for a touchdown, and then fumble the following kickoff (during the return) and give the ball back to the Steelers - we just have to. 

Amusing Announcing, College Edition: Announcers frequently bodge up players' names, especially those are lengthy or ethnic- or foreign-sounding. One you don't see very frequently, on the other hand, is announcers messing up each other's names. At the beginning of the MSU/ND game, ESPN/ABC announcer Brad Nessler announced his co-announcer as "Scott Blackledge" - Blackledge's first name is Todd. Additionally, in this game, one of them referred to MSU RB Edwin Baker as "Edwin Baker the Touchdown Maker." So they didn't read their personnel sheets beforehand, but apparently did read some Dr. Seuss. 

Weirdo Bonus Inverse Statistic: After going 0-4 in the preseason, Chicago is now 2-0. Houston and Kansas City, both 1-3 in the preseason, are also 2-0, while San Francisco, the only team to go 4-0 in the preseason...is 0-2. What the...

We Said it Was a "Heart Attack" of a Game - We Didn't Mean That Literally: Notre Dame. Michigan State. Overtime. The score was 31-28. MSU's Dan Conroy lined up to try a 46-yard field goal to send the contest into a second overtime. Instead, the kicker ran right and the defense chased him, while punter Aaron Bates (who was holding for Conroy) tossed the ball to a wide-open TE Charlie Gantt for the winning touchdown.(Youtube) Not only was it one of the sickest fakes to ever be executed, but the ensuing cacophony actually gave MSU coach Mark Dantonio a heart attack later that evening - presumably all of the blood had gone to his guts. Fortunately, Dantonio is expected to make a full recovery and we wish him the best.

You may now proceed to get all of the"300" jokes out of your system. Source: AP, Al Goldis

Amusing Announcing, Part II: Another announcing gaffe one doesn't hear of frequently is when simple names are butchered. An example of a "simple name" is, say, "Dallas Clark," the tight end for the Indianapolis Colts. I've heard Clark and fellow receiver Austin Collie colloquially referred to as "Texas" (Austin and Dallas), but generally, these names are not hard to mess up....until on Sunday, during Manning Bowl II, when Clark was mistakenly called "Dwight Clark" by the NBC announcers. Dwight Clark was a wide receiver who played for the San Francisco 49ers (and in the Pro Bowl) from 1979-1987. Please, announcers, be sure you're both on the right team and in the right decade!

More Truly Special Special Teams: At the end of the sloppy Washington-Dallas shootout, new 'Skins kicker Graham Gano attempted a 52-yard field goal in overtime, for the win. Just as the kick boomed, however, Texans coach Gary Kubiak called a kicker-icing timeout. Gano was forced to watch his game-winner fly through the uprights. After the break, Gano tried again - and shanked the kick wide right. After the Texans marched the other way and Neil Rackers won the game, Gano no doubt wanted to kick Kubiak's butt - but he would have likely missed there, too. 

Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Drew Brees Drew Brees Drew Brees! This week, it's no contest. Brett Favre blew the Vikes' home opener against Miami by throwing three interceptions and fumbling in his own end zone for a Dolphins TD. This was statistically Favre's worst day as a Viking. Against San Francisco, Brees was 28 of 38 for 254 yards and 2 TDs, even while flummoxed by the wind and the Niners' cover-4 shell. While we're on the subject of the Saints, I started their defense in fantasy this week. While they don't have the best stats out there and generally couldn't tackle for beans, I can't emphasize enough how much I love the Saints' secondary. Three interceptions on the season already and a flashy, kamikaze style of play? Yes, please! 

Amusing Announcing, "Because I'm Twelve" Edition: During another college game, I don't remember which, a flag fiesta occurred because, as the announcer says, someone "didn't report as eligible to the tight end." I'm not even going to touch this one for fear of compromising what little decorum I've got left.

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Bake 'Em: The Titans opted yesterday to wear their white road jerseys at home, on a day when the heat index in Nashville was in the triple digits. This (consciously) forced the visiting Steelers to wear uncomfortable black jerseys. I wonder how much teams - especially teams from Southern or Western climates where the early-season temperature is regularly on par with that of a foundry floor - execute this strategy.

Even More Amusing Announcing: During halftime announcements during NBC's coverage of the Colts-Giants game, Patriots WR Randy Moss was referred to as "Randy The Slouch" (in reference to Darelle Revis' comments). Another announcer then quipped, "sounds like a Sesame Street character."

What playing fantasy football in my league is currently like. That's me in the Bears' jersey, and Official Boyfriend of Second and One in the Lions Jersey. You may now proceed to make fun of me. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Ugh, ugh, ugh. The Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One) lost another crushing game. I'm really having problems at running back after the Beanie Wells injury. I tried to pick up GB's Brandon Jackson but couldn't because my league's waiver rules are unintelligibly difficult. Instead, I took GB's John Kuhn, who the Packers use in short-yardage situations...and who got me a whole 2.5 points. Because I'm operating under the desperation mentality of "2.5 points is better than zero," I also made the mistake of starting Bernard Berrian over Demaryius Thomas (who was sensational). So now I'm sort of hosed at running back and this famously fickle third wideout position. Additionally, because my league is uber-deep, those who had early-season injuries or lousy drafts are perma-screwed. It's almost as if there's some kind of heavy, nasty fantasy storm-cloud that's sitting over my entire team, and now it's also sitting over my better half, who also lost to my ex in the much-anticipated "Battle for MC's Honor" bowl. And I'm up next week against That One Guy Who Has Philip Rivers, so I'm going to hang my hopes on Brady and Welker having such a good day that they single-handedly cause half the city of Buffalo to keel over from the sheer despair of it all. Or maybe I will. 

That's all. Remember kids: just because you build a two-billion dollar stadium does not mean you will win in it. 

Your 2010 Fighting Nucleophiles Are...

Starting, barring anything catastrophic happening:

QB: Tom Brady (NE) (Stupendous #1 pick)

RB #1: Shonn Greene (NYJ) (Probably low-end #1, because he'll be trading some carries with LaTurfToe ComPlainian LaDanian Tomlinson)

RB #2: Chris "Beanie" Wells (ARI) (Good pick, they don't have much else in terms of offense now that Leinart is apparently having a falling out with Ken Whisenhunt)

WR #1: Wes Welker (NE) (I said, "barring anything catastrophic happening").

WR #2: Donald Driver (GB) (Not bad, considering there's a lot of spreading the love in Green Bay and Driver is made of teflon and can catch everything.)

WR #3: Bernard Berrian (MIN) (Also not bad, considering Rice is out for at least seven weeks and Harvin's still barfing from migraines.)

TE: Dallas Clark (IND) (I will never start the wrong tight end again. Q.E.D.)

K: Robbie Gould (CHI) (Always a safe bet, considering field goals are the Bears' sole offensive sustenance)

D/ST: New Orleans Saints (Delightfully pick-happy secondary, but also a bit low-end #1, I hope Darren Sharper gets well soon)

On the Bench:

QB: Donovan McNabb (WAS) (Why he didn't go sooner, I have no idea)

WR: Demaryius Thomas (DEN) (Denver claims he's like Brandon Marshall.)

WR: Laurent Robinson (STL) (Now the Rams' #1 WR after Donnie Avery screwed himself up)

RB: Laurence Maroney (RB) (What? I needed another running back.)

TE: Jeremy Shockey (NO) (And this just made me feel dirty.)

D/ST: Miami Dolphins (A whole bunch of Mr. Irrelevants.)

Not a terrible draft, not a great one - sort of middle-of-the-road. 

Tomorrow and the coming week: Kollege Kickoff, NFL trivia, and my annual pilgrimage to Soldier Field approaches!

Extra Points, Part III

I haven't written a comprehensive entry in several weeks. So: here is hodgepodge of NFL weeks 13-15 and some bonus college content.

Sour as Sour Patch Kids: Second and One officially petitions the Valero Alamo Bowl to change its name to the Everyone Is Suspended Bowl. Just weeks after Michigan State announced the dismissal of two players and the suspension of another eight nine ten, the Texas Tech Red Raiders (whom the Spartans are playing in said bowl) announced the suspension of head coach Mike Leach over allegations that he locked an injured wide receiver in an electrical closet for hours on end. (ESPN)* To say the very least, the accusations are shocking. With the collective crimes committed by these two teams, they should have instead played in the Detroit Big Three Bailout Motor City Pizza Pizza Bowl: I noted earlier that Detroit is still the country's most violent city. 

Completely Sick Play of the Week: In the Bears' glorious, heinously nail-bitey overtime upset of the NFC North-leading Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres, Jay Cutler, on the first snap of the Bears' third overtime possession, passed deep right against the blitz to Devin Aromashodu for 39 yards and the game-winning score. Aromashodu (also known as "that guy nobody wanted, probably because his name is too hard to pronounce") had veteran Pro Bowl corner Antoine Winfield beat by at least three yards on the final play - the safeties were nowhere to be found in the picture. This game gave me (and my father) approximately six different kinds of heart attack. 

And this happens every year! I come home for Christmas, and the first Bears game we watch (as we didn't get the depressing Baltimore contest due to bad weather and overlapping market rules) almost always requires the usage of an emergency defibrillator. Last year it was the Bears/Packers showdown, where the Bears played atrociously but blocked two field goals and still won the game, and the year before it was a similar contest, complete with Brian Urlacher intercepting a pass, running it back 93 yards to the house, and then keeling over in the end zone and needing oxygen - does anyone remember this?! 

More holiday capitalism: Yes. This is a real product. Vikes tickets: $150. The Vikings folding chair: $60. Getting to see Minnesota collapsing either way: Priceless. Source: sportsauthority.

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During halftime on Monday Night, Chris Berman reviewed the Colts' decision to rest Peyton Manning and friends, who were forced to simmer on the sidelines as rookie backup QB Curtis Painter fumbled away the game. "He's no Rembrandt!" Breman remarked, "More like a finger painter!" More notorious puns from notable names: Fox announcers, in talking about Tampa Bay return man Michael Spurlock's 106-yard kickoff return, felt the need to distinguish him from Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Just before recess in the Redskins/Giants contest, the 'Skins were trailing by 24 points. There are two seconds on the clock before the break. You are Jim Zorn; what do you do?

a) Try and get the ball in the end zone at all cost, even if you are are 4th and 60 and the attempt might fail horribly.

b) Be conservative - kick for three to avoid being shut out at halftime;

c) Look through your playbook, find the trick play that has the greatest chance of embarrassing your team, that one play that everyone and their cat knows will fail - and try it anyway and hope you still have your job by the end of the game?

The Redskins lined up for a field goal, and it became very evident that there was trickery afoot when one half of the offensive line whipped outside in a "swinging gate" formation, leaving punter Hunter Smith to stand under center. This formation is sometimes used for two-point conversions (if I remember correctly), because if it blows up, a lineman can take a handoff. The G-men smelled foul play and called a timeout. Washington came out and promptly ran the same fake again. We knew everything in Washington is bumbling and inefficient, but what, they didn't think Big Blue would be prepared for it? End result? Smith heave-hoed the ball into a gaggle of Giants, where it was intercepted and run back to midfield. Oi vey. (youtube) 

Messiest Series Ever, Bonus Bowl Edition: The University of North Carolina Tar Heels, squaring off against the Pitt Panthers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, were first and goal on the five in the first quarter. The 'Heels then committed two consecutive illegal formation penalties, one of which negated a touchdown pass because one of the tight ends did not line up on the line of scrimmage. After a short pass play, UNC faced second-and goal from the Pitt 7, when QB T.J. Yates was flushed from the pocket and nailed. At the last second, he tossed the ball forward, which did not make it to the line, and the 'Heels were backed up another 8 yards for intentional grounding. Now third and goal on the 15 and eager to avenge their frustrating series, Yates heaved the ball to Greg Little for the touchdown. Little, in his celebrations, punted the ball into the stands and was immediately flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Aye caramba! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: During the Redskins/Giants blowout on MNF in Week 14, you could almost hear the men in the booth wince as Giants pass-rushers blew through the Native Americans' porous offensive line and repeatedly pounded Jason Campbell to the turf. "These are not sacks," one announcer quipped, "these are car wrecks."

Confucius says: Redskins QB who is pummeled repeatedly becomes Campbell's soup. Source: Macon Daily, Reuters.

Obligatory (Last) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It did not end well. After I staged six (seven?) consecutive nucleophilic attacks, my league commissioner (whose identity remains secret, or is perhaps just a very complicated semi-stochastic algorithm) snubbed the 9-5 Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, out of the playoffs. I won't get into my suitably acrimonious and slanderous collection o' theories for why this happened, but ahead of me was seeded an 8-6 team (whom I defeated), and a girl who was 9-5, whom I swept soundly in divisional play. Of course, as FFB is part luck, whining about this is as effective as whining about losing in poker - it happens, and there's not a darn thing anyone can do. Not all was lost, however: The Nukes finished with a convincing winning record, and, with the second most-difficult schedule in our uber-deep league, finished tied for first in divisional records (I was 5-1 in my division, people!) and tied for third in power rankings. Plus, had I made the playoffs, I likely would have blown it in the opening round when I started the wrong tight end. Or something. 

Remember kids: Confucius says: Vikes who lose to Jay Cutler have been deep-sixed. 

*EDIT: 3:10 PM. Sources now confirm that Leach has been fired, and now there is talk of lawsuits. It just keeps getting better. 

Extra Points, Part I

As the annual December Craziness continues, posting will remain limited. Nonetheless, here is our week 13/miscellaneous round-up!

That's a Penalty? In the first half of Saturday's first-class Cincy/Pitt shootout, upbeat music played between every down at Heinz field. The Bearcats, however, couldn't find any rhythm, and trailed by 21 points late in the first half. There was some speculation that the extra noise was interfering with the Bearcats' play-calling, and at the half, an official told head coach Dave Wannstedt that unless the Panthers pulled the plug on the techno tunes they would garner a penalty. You can penalize someone for playing music during a game? I mean, I can understand how if Pitt wheeled in a road sign with one of those blinking arrows, faced it away from their end zone, and chanted "this way, you fools!" for sixty minutes, that it might get officials scratching their heads, but did the relative silence after the half really allow Cincy to come from behind and win by a single point? 

Totally Sick Play: The annual Cowboys Collapse has begun! While the Chargers are hotter than a blast furnace, Dallas has begun its December decline. Big Blue power-back Brandon Jacobs caught a short pass from Eli Manning...and ran 74 yards for a touchdown, during most of which he was completely untouched. Bonus Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Brandon Jacobs can't stand the Cowboys, saying "I've been hating Dallas ever since I knew anything about football." Well, congrats, Mr. Jacobs. You get the honor of making this week's Totally Sick Play!

Why is This News Again?: In fashion news, Seattle head coach Jim Mora has announced that the Sea Birds will be retiring their radioactive-green jerseys. (Seattle PI) Coach Mora's reason: they didn't win while wearing them against the Bears in week 2. No, really. This is fine reasoning: you don't want to wear the outfit you lost in again. Although looking at the Seahawks' season, this logic also dictates they should be playing in their underwear right about now. 

If you look like vegetables, you will play like vegetables. Source: Otto Greule Jr., Getty Images.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Against Big Red, Brett Favre passed for 275 yards, 2 scores, and two picks. The Vikings lost. Linebacker E.J. Henderson is out for the season, and Kurt Warner's offensive line kept him off of his back all night in a game that my friend Eric (a football fan and avid reader) described as the "showdown in the geriatric ward." In the Saints' coup de grace of the Redskins, Drew Brees torched the Skins' high-rated secondary, where he passed for an astounding 419 yards, two scores and one INT, leading the Scoring Machines on an 80-yard drive in thirty-three seconds to win, in overtime, a game in which they never held a lead. Good Gravy, we knew the Saints were going to win, and we knew everything in Washington DC was inefficient, but how can the Redskins miss a 23-yard field goal? Current theories range from endemic kicker headcasery to divine intervention.

Sour as The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (And the Christmas Bowl): The Michigan State Spartans will be playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl on January 2nd of next year. You know, a bowl game, where you're supposed to have all of your starters and be playing for the glory and honor of your school? The State Screwed-Sideways Spartans just charged nine players in connection with the fraternity fracas in November (ESPN, Big Ten Blog). The charges: multiple assault and battery, conspiracy to commit assault and battery (a misdemeanor), and a tenth was just suspended and charged with a minor in possession and public urination - it just gets worse! (Detroit Free Press) Head coach Mark Dantonio, no doubt embarrassed, remarked to the press that "Our football program has been disappointed before, and we will rise above this." Someone needs to inform Mr. Dantonio that it's hard to stop the soup from hitting the fan if you can't turn the fan off. 

Truly Special Special Teams: against the anemic Rams, the Blundering Bears were up by 10, and were facing a 4th-and-4 situation on the Lambs' 10-yard line just before the half. Why not kick for three to make things a little trickier for your opponent? The Bears instead attempted a fake field goal, in which punter Brad Maynard tossed a shovel pass to TE Greg Olsen, the only player who St. Louis had figured out all day. Olsen was clobbered immediately for no gain, and the Rams took over on downs and marched the other way to avoid being shut out at recess. What kind of play is this?! 

a) There are better ways to get four yards than a shovel pass from your punter on a fake*;

b) Why are you even trying the fake against a 1-10 team, at home, while already up by ten points? Second and One got ahold of the Bears' playbook, and on the page immediately following the entry for "random fake" found this (vide infra), and promptly drew it up on the Whiteboard O' Wisdom:

On the next page: the play where Jay Cutler throws the ball into the stands simply "because he feels like it."

That is a Penalty!: In Monday night's gritty Packers/Ravens contest, a combined seven turnovers and 310 yards of penalties were committed, making it the dirtiest game since frat-house mud-wrestling went out of style. Baltimore committed five pass interference penalties, and now have committed 13 on the season, leading the league in slop and hand-waving. Second and One asks the following thought question: Q. Why can't you hear Ravens games on the radio? A. Because there is too much interference!

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Rodgers rammed the Ravens. Welker Wailed at Miami. Holmes was Hot. Addai Addled the Titans. Brandon Jacobs went off like a nuclear test site. Even Sidney Rice caught a few yards. Against my league's winningest coach, an attack of positively historic proportions was staged by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One. With this, the 'Nukies move to 8-5, and this coming weekend determines whether the postseason will be looking nucleophilic! Bonus Fun Fantasy Fact: it did not matter who I started at tight end: their scores were equal. 

Part 2 of Extra Points to come later!

*Fullback screen. Power-rush. QB draw. 

A Bit Belated..

There hasn't been much in the way of a legitimate NFL update here, but I have very good reason. In December, my research group writes long annual progress reports to turn in to the head of our group. Mine is already seventy pages, and not a word of this is about football, so it's time for some words on that.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! I was thinking this category would be rather hard this week. I was watching the Vikings game, as the Norsemen of the Apocalypse shamelessly ran up the score on my blundering Bears (don't get me started on our pass-rush). In said roasting pasting friendly contest, Brett Favre passed for 392 yards, 3 TDs, and no interceptions. He looked 25 years old against the Bears, and I thought he was a shoe-in for this category...until I saw the Saints game. I watched it with Catherine, my good friend and a Saints fan extraordinaire, and after the second touchdown (and possibly second glass of wine), we simply defaulted to loud cheering and senseless Drew Brees worship. I will now continue the trend. Drew Brees completed 78% of his passes, for 371 yards, no interceptions, and five touchdowns. Drew Brees earned a perfect passer rating on Monday Night Football, against Bill Belichick's defense, where he would pump-fake to draw the safeties, and bomb deep against corner blitzes to wide-open receivers. Drew Brees served the Patriots a taste of their own medicine on a night where the average noise level in the Superdome was about 110 db. (nola.com).* Drew Brees' tears can cure cancer. Hurricanes are afraid of Drew Brees. Drew Brees can fly.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Source: Chuck Cook, New Orleans Times-Picayune

Dumb, Daft Defenses: During the Thanksgiving Day skirmish between Dallas and Oakland, the Cowboys were driving from their own 25-yard line with about thirteen minutes left before the intermezzo. Two Raiders defensive backs (Trevor Scott and Tyvon Branch), both ran for what would have been an easy interception. However, while Branch had clear sights for a pick-six, Scott was facing away from the end zone - and the two promptly collided head-to-head. The only points they got off of this play were style points from the Three Stooges. Fine demonstrations of conservation of momentum are nothing new to the Raiders: see here how two Oakland receivers, with crossed routes, demonstrate inertia against the Chargers (Ballhype). 

Fresh From the Bakery: Oh, Carolina Panthers. Why doth thou provide so much amusement? Against the struggling Jets, Jake Delhomme threw four interceptions. A good point was raised over at ESPN: The Big Black Cats, with the likes of DeAngelo Williams, are ranked #4 in rushing - Why has Delhomme attempted 30 or more passes in six games this season? Take whoever these pass-wacky play callers are and send them to Chicago to help Jay Cutler, please! Statistic O' Suckage: On the season, Delhomme has 18 interceptions, six fumbles, and three lost fumbles - to only eight touchdowns. He's also been sacked 23 times.

You Know You're Having Quarterback Problems When...reason # 245: your QB's jersey number is in the double-digits and is still less than the number of times he's coughed up the ball. Source: AP, Seth Wenig, panthers.com

Why is this news again? This is all over the news: During the Broncos' Thursday night dismantling of the Giants, the NFL Network cut to a replay of Denver Stampede coach Josh McDaniels' audio feed, in which he hollered at his offense on the sidelines, and in doing so said a very prominent swear word. Everyone promptly snapped out of their Thanksgiving food comas, spit out their night-caps in surprise, and gasped "Did he really just say that?" This was all over the news: everyone was apologizing and people were outraged over the NFL Network's faux pas. I like to think of this as "Big deal. A football guy swore in front of  group of other football guys." Although maybe, at sixteen years old, McDaniels shouldn't say potty words, lest his mom wash his mouth out with soap.

The Joke Just Writes Itself: Ok. The Vikings have a fast offense. We get it. Earlier this last weekend, RB Adrian Peterson was cited for driving 109 mph in a 55 mph zone. On Monday, Vikes wideout Bernard Berrian was similarly stopped for driving 104 mph in a 60 mph area. (ESPN) Second and One, however, argues that Brett Favre will not be cited: he will simply drive 20 mph under the speed limit with his turn signal on permanently.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: At 7-5 and poised to strike again, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are making a playoff run! Aaron Rodgers ran up the score on the Lions. Santonio Holmes had his first touchdown since week 1. The Colts' D came back from a serious first-half slump to run the Texans into the ground, and I staged a fifth consecutive nucleophilic attack. 

Perhaps my biggest achievement: I started the right tight end. Yes. That's right. Read it again. Shiancoe (starter) torched the Bears' woeful deuxiemme, while Celek was stopped by the 'Skins. In other news: it is reported that the moon is blue and all of the planets have just aligned. 

Yes. This is a real product. Lions Tickets: $150. The Lions Doormat: $55. Seeing people wipe their feet with the Lions either way: Priceless. Source: Outdoorrugs.com.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Today, just for the heck of it, I wrote a limerick about every team in the NFC North. 

While Childress is filling his quota

And Peterson's back for the coda

In "4" he is dressed

(And at 40, no less)

It's Senior Day in Minnesota!

The Bears have got naught to work with

They've been pounded and pummeled and pithed

A poor defensive batch!

Nobody to catch!

The honeymoon's over for Smith!

While nobody else seems to get

The points that the Packers can net

They've got offensive fever!

The world's best receivers!

Tell me, why did they need Brett?

Can the Lions be freed of their fetters?

Lose that "L", the harshest of letters?

Their rookie's adroit

But they play in Detroit

And I have seen doormats look better.

Next week: We'll do the same with the NFC South, complete with references to Matt Ryan's turf toe.

*Other things that are 110 db or louder: your iPod on full volume, jackhammering, a rock concert. Quieter than 110 db: my television, normal talking, breathing, the Patriots' defense.