An Ode to The Wild Cards, Part One

Ten points up, the game was boring

The Saints played like noone was there

But the Who Dats caved to Carlson's scoring

And looked as if they tackled air

The Saints' backfield, so far eroded

The line false-started from the noise

I think Sean Payton's head exploded

As joyous Carroll praised his boys

A breakout run, poor kick onside

Some lousy calls to twist the knife

Upon this hurl-inducing ride

Both teams were clinging for their life

New Orleans eventually lost the battle

At thirty-six to forty-one

At eight and nine now comes Seattle

Ready to spoil Atlanta's run

In the AFC, the hate was breeding

Tempers surging, flames-a-fanning;

The Colts were trying to stop the bleeding

And Ryan wished to knock off Manning

Ol' Rex shouted, Sanchez tried,

LT had some epic runs

But Peyton would not be denied,

And it appeared as if the Colts had won

The home crowed cheered, the field goal boomed

V, for victory, and Vinatieri

But fifty ominous seconds loomed

(And would you trust Indy's secondary?)

And so the clock announced the hour

But premature celebration begets

Collapses of the highest power

And victoriously emerged the Jets

Yet fortune favors strong, not meek;

Both winners shall be nixed next week.

I'm pretty busy, but Part II will come later.

My turn

The Big Ten - A Poem

They beat each other, beat themselves

The Big Ten (Eleven? Is it twelve?)

Sorting out their situation

Needs poetic ministrations

Minnesota gets no liking

Playing lousy like the Vikings

The Gophers showed no rhyme or reason

And Brewster got the boot midseason

The Illini started in a rut

But halfway through, they just went nuts

The BCS now has a glitch

Buckeyes, Hawkeyes, which one's which?

Purdue embodies monstrous fail

By choking on an epic scale

Injuries have stopped them cold

Just like the Colts in black and gold

They could have made a bowl run, too!

But blew their lead to MSU

With one loss only - there to stay

Is Sparty going all the way?

IU just could not remember

That football started in September

Or August, but that doesn't matter

Crimson, creamed; they're stomped and scattered

The Wolverines are made to thrill

They score enough to claim some kills

Yet if out-gunned, it all turns hairy

What happened to their secondary?

Northwestern, Penn State, both together

Futile, fickle, like the weather

One worries about Wrigley's fences

The other, 'bout their coach's senses

Wisconsin only has one mission

Humiliate the whole division

A bowl berth they will surely clinch

By scoring eighty on Bill Lynch

Blowouts, beatdowns, might, and moxie, 

A carousel of loss-by-proxy

Though all these teams will get served lunch

Soon as Nebraska joins this bunch!

Best Poem of the Year

So, as preamble, the Steelers fired notoriously inconsistent (and eccentric) kicker Jeff Reed  - whose field goal percentage had been less than 50% at Heinz Field - and signed former Redskin Shaun Suisham in his place. 

In Sports Illustrated today, Steve Rushin penned this exquisite Ode to Kickers. Repeat: this is not mine. I wish it were: 

They're common men with names uncommon.
(Where have you gone, Uwe von Schamann?)
They're just plain Folks, they're Happy Fellers,
These Robbie Goulds, these Roy Gerelas.

A poet desperate for a segue
Is grateful for Raul Allegre.
And Vinatieri shilled for Snickers,
But no one else loves field-goal kickers.

Their teammates, each, are huge and freakish,
But they're more . . . Ali Haji-Sheikh-ish.
They're K-Marts in a world of Gucci.
(Where did you go, Dean Biasucci?)

*****

I'm sure the four Zendejas brothers
Were each beloved by their mother.
Otherwise -- brotherwise -- Canton plaques
Will never be cast for Gogolaks.

And Chester Marcol of the Packers,
Olindo Mare and Neil Rackers,
Have suffered fortune's slings and arrows,
With sundry Skips and Chips and Garos.

*****

Anderson, Andersen: Which one's which?
It's Pete, not Peja, Stoyanovich?
Del Greco, Daluiso: Which is which?
There's Toni Linhart and Toni Fritsch?

That Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Was anti-kicker-filled invective.
The villain was a sicko kicker
Who dressed himself in ladies' knickers.

The movie Gus was even sicker:
It cast a jackass as a kicker.
A football horse, half-mule, half-man?
'Twas Bengal kicker Horst Muhlmann.

*****

Two Bahrs once meant field-goal perfection;
Two bars now mean poor phone reception.
Two Bahrs incarnate -- bros Chris and Matt -- 
Wore one-bar facemasks across each hat.

Dramatic Arts -- Ars Dramatica -- 
As performed by Bill Gramatica
Meant leaping, dancing, great emoting -- 
(An ACL torn while showboating).

*****

They don't deserve your scorn or laughter
This band of men who kick points-after.
Kickers and goalposts both, I've found,
Are just built up to get torn down.

Seldom is heard on ESPN
That glorious surname: "Septien."
A Vikings fan, I'm purple-hazy --
My dreams are still Fuad Reveiz-y.

The tank that's named for General Pershing
Is not as strong as leg of Wersching.
In Oslo this man's fans are legion:
Jan Stenerud kicked in Norwegian.

*****

Alone among his fellow kickers
Mike Vanderjagt misspoke while "liquored".
Or so his quarterback insisted.
Before the kicker got C-listed.

And so my eyes got somewhat misty
When gazing on the Bills' Steve Christie.
The Raiders' kicker sure likes his food.
That Cowboy Buehler's a righteous dude.

Has any avis been more rara
Than Dallas great Efren Herrera?
The Dow, the Nasdaq and the Nikkei
Have fewer points than Igwebuike.

******

You couch-bound slobs, ruled by inertia:
Bow down and worship Rolf Benirschke!
The Toe (Lou Groza)! The Foot (Fred Cox)!
And barefoot freaks wearing single socks!

The opposite of bland was Blanda,
Kicked black-and-white, like Kung Fu Panda;
And nerves? Jay Feely could not feel 'em,
And nor can colleague Jason Elam.

They're shunned and roughed and waiver-wired;
One day they're iced, the next they're fired.
John Carney still has not expired.
Joe Nedney has not yet perspired.

******

The chicks might dig a perfect spiral;
Favre's every utterance goes viral.
Americans though still revile
All things described as "soccer-style."

But when these fans go meet their makers,
If heaven's run by David Akers,
He'll cast aside those heathen sinners
Who shunned him when he missed game-winners.

He'll call the roll in Kicker Heaven:
"Bironas, Rob!" and "Butler, Kevin!"
Dempsey's a Saint, Norwood's a martyr.
The Holy Grail's an 80-yarder.

Read more: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/steve_rushin/11/17/kickers/index.html#ixzz15bNbAdN6

Reposted from: Here.

Holiday Picks!

Of course, there will be other entries after this in the coming days, but we (I) here at Second and One wish everyone a Merry Christmas, even if you don't celebrate said holiday. 

I have returned to my parents' house for some much-needed R & R, communion with the homeland, my mom's cooking, and, of course, watching football with my dad, an activity that will begin at 1PM EST today. So, without any additional preamble, here are Second and One's picks of the week:

Oakland @ Denver: Oakland is one of these really weird teams. They stink worse than a fish market in July, but once and a while, they pop up to spoil the fun for someone who is desperately trying to make a playoff run. They Beat both the Eagles and the floundering Steelers, but unfortunately have now lost their new starting QB Bruce Gradkowski. Which means we'll see Charlie Frye, who hasn't taken a snap in the NFL in over a year. If this doesn't work, we'll see JaMarcus Russell, who hasn't known what to do at this position since he played for Louisiana State. Additionally, the Oakland Raiders Raided are without Darrius Heyward-Bey, whom, until about week seven, had more names than he did touchdowns,* and tight end Zach Miller is questionable with a concussion. I think the Broncos (who sometimes look disorganized at the end of the season) are going to run away with this one.

Yes, this is a real product. Raiders tickets: $150. The Raiders grill tool set: $30. Seeing a barbecuing ether way: Priceless. Source: Sears. 

San Francisco @ Philadelphia: Philadelphia's offense has overcome some inconsistencies and is looking awful quick-strike and sophisticated this year. They've got wacky screen formations, deep pass plays, the Wild Vick (or whatever you call it), and they've won their past four straight, including toppling Big Blue in a barn-burner last week. With Brian Westbrook still out, the 49ers' 5th ranked rush defense shouldn't be an enormous threat to the Eagles. I'm going with Philadelphia just because the Niners have blown their past five straight on the road.

Cleveland @ Kansas City: Oh, who cares? The game ends 2-0, Cleveland, with the sole points coming when KC lines up to punt from their own end zone and snaps the ball out the back. 

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh: What has happened to the Steelers? It's bad enough when you lose to the Bears, but when you lose to the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns in the same season, you're warm, buttered toast. Right now, Green Bay statistically has just about the best defense in football: ranked 2nd against the run, 3rd against the pass, and 2nd in stopping people from moving the ball. Fun Fact: In this game, we're seeing two of the league's most porous offensive lines: Roethlisberger has been nailed 38 times, and Rodgers 47. We are going to see more sacking than a Barbarian rampage of Rome. I still like the Packers though. 

Chicago @ Baltimore: Gregg Easterbrook at ESPN TMQ urges readers to "contact authorities if you have seen the Baltimore Ravens." On the other hand, if we're talking about the Bears, I have to cite the great writer Patrick McManus: "If intelligence were crankcase oil, the Bears aren't even wetting the dipstick*" This game will just be sloppy. Throw in the bad weather in Baltimore and the fact that both teams have gone kazoo with penalties as of late, and we're rearing to see a nightmare. Sadly, I feel like the Bears, whose offense runs circles around itself, will not fare too well against the Blackbirds' D. Devin Hester is out. Jay Cutler vs. Ray Lewis: all you need to know. Ravens. By a lot. I'll go shoot myself in the foot now, because I can guarantee it will be less painful than this game.

Poetic Afterthoughts: And now, a limerick about every team in the AFC North.

The Bengals can get lots of downs,

They beat both the Steelers and Browns,

When they bust lots of joints

And score lots of points

Eighty-Five sends in the clowns!

About Lewis and Reed we all rave,

Make Edgar Poe spin in his Grave!

Their defense can brag

But these penalty flags...

If only this team could behave!

An offensive line you cannot trust

Big Ben gets pounded to dust

Their star safety's out

and Pittsburgh fans shout:

"The Steelers have started to rust!"

What's happened to Cleveland is sick

Their game plan just can't seem to stick

Brady's not win-ish

And Anderson's finished

Maybe they should have got Vick?

And there we have it. To come later: thoughts on Brian Kelly, Chris Henry, and the Saints dropping a deuce (and we don't mean McAllister).

*I forgot the original source of this comment. 

**The original quote is not about football, but it can be found in Never Sniff a Gift Fish, a book about his adventures as an outdoorsman. It's a pretty good read. 

Week 14 Picks du Jour

First, Second and One is rather disappointed that Toby Gerhart did not win the Heisman, but was edged out by Alabama's Mark Ingram by only 28 points - the closest vote in Heisman history. (ESPN) Congratulations to Mr. Ingram. 

And now, three week 14 picks (in brevity)- thank heavens I didn't attempt to call the Steelers-Browns game! 

San Diego @ Dallas: To me, this seems pretty simple: we just look at what teams historically do in December. The Chargers have a habit of stinking in the early months of the season, roaring through a thrilling crescendo and dramatic climax where they obliterate everyone they play, and then choking in the playoffs. Fun fact: the Batteries have won 15 straight games in the twelfth month. Now, the Cowboys are on the opposite spectrum. They get hot around Halloween, and typically spend most of December partying, which results in spectacular on-field collapses. Memorable examples: getting blown out of wild-card contention by the Eagles in 2008, getting smashed to bits by the divisional playoffs by the Giants in 2007, and losing to both the Eagles and the Lions in 2006. Needless to say, I'm going with San Diego. 

Green Bay @ Chicago: This game will come down to a very minute key point - how well the Pack's O-line can protect Aaron Rodgers. If the Bears dial up a few Uber-Blitz formations, the pass-wacky Pack may have a hard time. Nonetheless, the Packers have one of the greatest combined defensive units in the league: third in pass coverage, fourth in rush coverage, and first in yards allowed per game. The Bears cannot score on anybody, Devin Hester is questionable, and the thought of Jay Cutler against Charles Woodson scares the daylights out of me. I regrettably have to pick Green Bay.

Detroit @ Baltimore: If Baltimore can stop committing so many penalties, this one seems obvious, as the Lions haven't won on the road this year yet. Knocking on a third win's door? Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore!" - Blackbirds take it, by at least two score. 

For holiday spirit, yes, this is a real product for your tree! Buccaneers tickets: $150. The Buccaneers Christmas ornament: $23. Getting to see a hanging either way: priceless! Source: football-fanshop.com

More Poetic Afterthoughts: Last Sunday I wrote a limerick about every team in the NFC north. This week, we have one for the entire NFC south!

The Saints' opponents get diced

Last minute field-goals get iced

With remarkable wins

They're absolved of their sins

Savior of South, Breesus Christ!

The Falcons had Georgia at "go!"

But all they do these days is blow

Left their D at the door

And they can't seem to score,

All 'cause Matt Ryan stubbed his big toe!

The Panthers are like a bad dream

Their playoff hopes now without gleam,

Their RBs are fast,

And their D can outlast,

But Delhomme can't throw to his own team!

Their new QB plays fine sport,

But Tampa keeps coming up short

They've got only one win?

Call the salvage crew in

The Bucs have been shipwrecked in port!

Next week: Limericks about the AFC north, complete with references to the Steelers rusting.

A Bit Belated..

There hasn't been much in the way of a legitimate NFL update here, but I have very good reason. In December, my research group writes long annual progress reports to turn in to the head of our group. Mine is already seventy pages, and not a word of this is about football, so it's time for some words on that.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! I was thinking this category would be rather hard this week. I was watching the Vikings game, as the Norsemen of the Apocalypse shamelessly ran up the score on my blundering Bears (don't get me started on our pass-rush). In said roasting pasting friendly contest, Brett Favre passed for 392 yards, 3 TDs, and no interceptions. He looked 25 years old against the Bears, and I thought he was a shoe-in for this category...until I saw the Saints game. I watched it with Catherine, my good friend and a Saints fan extraordinaire, and after the second touchdown (and possibly second glass of wine), we simply defaulted to loud cheering and senseless Drew Brees worship. I will now continue the trend. Drew Brees completed 78% of his passes, for 371 yards, no interceptions, and five touchdowns. Drew Brees earned a perfect passer rating on Monday Night Football, against Bill Belichick's defense, where he would pump-fake to draw the safeties, and bomb deep against corner blitzes to wide-open receivers. Drew Brees served the Patriots a taste of their own medicine on a night where the average noise level in the Superdome was about 110 db. (nola.com).* Drew Brees' tears can cure cancer. Hurricanes are afraid of Drew Brees. Drew Brees can fly.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Source: Chuck Cook, New Orleans Times-Picayune

Dumb, Daft Defenses: During the Thanksgiving Day skirmish between Dallas and Oakland, the Cowboys were driving from their own 25-yard line with about thirteen minutes left before the intermezzo. Two Raiders defensive backs (Trevor Scott and Tyvon Branch), both ran for what would have been an easy interception. However, while Branch had clear sights for a pick-six, Scott was facing away from the end zone - and the two promptly collided head-to-head. The only points they got off of this play were style points from the Three Stooges. Fine demonstrations of conservation of momentum are nothing new to the Raiders: see here how two Oakland receivers, with crossed routes, demonstrate inertia against the Chargers (Ballhype). 

Fresh From the Bakery: Oh, Carolina Panthers. Why doth thou provide so much amusement? Against the struggling Jets, Jake Delhomme threw four interceptions. A good point was raised over at ESPN: The Big Black Cats, with the likes of DeAngelo Williams, are ranked #4 in rushing - Why has Delhomme attempted 30 or more passes in six games this season? Take whoever these pass-wacky play callers are and send them to Chicago to help Jay Cutler, please! Statistic O' Suckage: On the season, Delhomme has 18 interceptions, six fumbles, and three lost fumbles - to only eight touchdowns. He's also been sacked 23 times.

You Know You're Having Quarterback Problems When...reason # 245: your QB's jersey number is in the double-digits and is still less than the number of times he's coughed up the ball. Source: AP, Seth Wenig, panthers.com

Why is this news again? This is all over the news: During the Broncos' Thursday night dismantling of the Giants, the NFL Network cut to a replay of Denver Stampede coach Josh McDaniels' audio feed, in which he hollered at his offense on the sidelines, and in doing so said a very prominent swear word. Everyone promptly snapped out of their Thanksgiving food comas, spit out their night-caps in surprise, and gasped "Did he really just say that?" This was all over the news: everyone was apologizing and people were outraged over the NFL Network's faux pas. I like to think of this as "Big deal. A football guy swore in front of  group of other football guys." Although maybe, at sixteen years old, McDaniels shouldn't say potty words, lest his mom wash his mouth out with soap.

The Joke Just Writes Itself: Ok. The Vikings have a fast offense. We get it. Earlier this last weekend, RB Adrian Peterson was cited for driving 109 mph in a 55 mph zone. On Monday, Vikes wideout Bernard Berrian was similarly stopped for driving 104 mph in a 60 mph area. (ESPN) Second and One, however, argues that Brett Favre will not be cited: he will simply drive 20 mph under the speed limit with his turn signal on permanently.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: At 7-5 and poised to strike again, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are making a playoff run! Aaron Rodgers ran up the score on the Lions. Santonio Holmes had his first touchdown since week 1. The Colts' D came back from a serious first-half slump to run the Texans into the ground, and I staged a fifth consecutive nucleophilic attack. 

Perhaps my biggest achievement: I started the right tight end. Yes. That's right. Read it again. Shiancoe (starter) torched the Bears' woeful deuxiemme, while Celek was stopped by the 'Skins. In other news: it is reported that the moon is blue and all of the planets have just aligned. 

Yes. This is a real product. Lions Tickets: $150. The Lions Doormat: $55. Seeing people wipe their feet with the Lions either way: Priceless. Source: Outdoorrugs.com.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Today, just for the heck of it, I wrote a limerick about every team in the NFC North. 

While Childress is filling his quota

And Peterson's back for the coda

In "4" he is dressed

(And at 40, no less)

It's Senior Day in Minnesota!

The Bears have got naught to work with

They've been pounded and pummeled and pithed

A poor defensive batch!

Nobody to catch!

The honeymoon's over for Smith!

While nobody else seems to get

The points that the Packers can net

They've got offensive fever!

The world's best receivers!

Tell me, why did they need Brett?

Can the Lions be freed of their fetters?

Lose that "L", the harshest of letters?

Their rookie's adroit

But they play in Detroit

And I have seen doormats look better.

Next week: We'll do the same with the NFC South, complete with references to Matt Ryan's turf toe.

*Other things that are 110 db or louder: your iPod on full volume, jackhammering, a rock concert. Quieter than 110 db: my television, normal talking, breathing, the Patriots' defense.

Week 8! Trickery, Tragedy, and Tight End Woes

Ahhh. My fancy seminar went well, new compounds are going off for anticancer testing, and the cool air of fall now descends (upon most people in the US, at any rate). What better way to celebrate the season of football...then by writing about it?

Ridiculously Sick Play, Part the First: The gun-happy Indianapolis Colts, despite being undefeated, have absolutely no running game to speak of, and are ranked 30th in rushing yardage. Against San Francisco, it looked to be another long afternoon for RB Joseph Addai. Addai, no longer trading carries with the injured Donald Brown, who was held to a measly 3.1 yards per rushing attempt. At the start of the fourth quarter, it wasn't looking promising. The Colts were down by two and Peyton Manning had yet to stumble into the end zone. Manning, under a two-tight end set, handed off to Addai, who ran backwards, drawing defenders into thinking they had his sweep blown up in the backfield. Addai then lobbed the ball 22 yards downfield to a completely naked Reggie Wayne for the touchdown. (Highlights c/o NFL.com) Trick-Or-Treat! Fun Fact: In his four seasons with the Indy Stampede, this was Addai's first pass attempt, and first pass completion. 

Congrats, Mr. Addai - You currently have the league's highest QB rating! I am so glad you're on my fantasy team! Source: Simon Bruty, Sports Illustrated.

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! I have to admit, this category was tough this week. Brees completed 25/33 passes and lead the Scoring Machines through a preposterously wild and emotional roller-coaster of a game against Atlanta - and won. In the Vikes' hotly acrimonious over-hyped return to Lambeau Field, however, Brett Favre passed for 244 yards and four touchdowns. He is 40 years old, and this is the 21st time in his career that he has done this. Holy Statistics, Batman! 

But The Joke Wrote Itself! in non-football news, there is quite the tragedy unfolding in Cleveland: 11 dead bodies were found in the home of a registered sex offender, only one of which has been identified. The heartbreaking, gruesome details can be found here. (c/o CNN) Warning: the subject matter is not for children or the faint of heart. Don't say I didn't warn you.) Even though I'm probably going to be condemned to some horrible place for saying this:* the conclusion is very obvious. Eleven dead bodies in Cleveland? Stop the presses, we've found the Browns' offense! They score an average of 9.8 points per game!

Ridiculously Sick Play, Part the Second: In the 4th quarter of Monday night's Bayou shootout, the Saints were in the red zone and poised to score. Brees ran a three-tight end set, RB Pierre Thomas swung outside and caught a short pass, and from the goal line, executed a diving, twisting backflip over the converging defenders and his own lineman for the score. (NFL/ESPN) And the judges held up perfect "10"s for the acrobatics. 

Pierre Thomas picks up seven points and the gold medal in Mens' Pole Vaulting. Source: AP, Bill Feig.

Amusing Announcing: In a college game, Wisconsin was flagged for a false start. ESPN2's Ray Bentley, who has made this category before for his witty rhymes, quipped "Whoa, he got a little jiggle in his wiggle too early." Additionally, during MNF's Fastest Three Minutes, Chris Berman described the Packers' defensive backs as "a seven-ten-split...And they all fall down!" and also referred to a certain Colts RB as Joseph "Live and Let" Addai. Congrats on the clever commentating!

Special Teams that are Truly Special and Not Special: Continuing our whirlwind tour of the highlight reel, the most incredible special teams play of the week goes to...the St. Louis Rams. As you now wipe whatever beverage you were drinking off your computer screen, let me describe the scenario. Ahh, Detroit vs. St. Louis. A combined 2-13. In a game where neither quarterback could pass for over 200 yards and where an interception return somehow ended in a safety, the score was an astonishing 3-2 with one minute to play in the half. Rams kicker Josh Brown lined up to kick for three. His holder caught the snap and tossed the ball to Brown, who dumped it off to fullback Daniel Fells, who then jogged into the end zone. Brown not only got credit for the touchdown pass by this little game of "hot potato", but also kicked the extra point and a field goal, accounting for 10 of the Rams' 17 points. Statistic O' Suckage: these 17 points coincidentally ended the Rams' 17-game losing streak. Magnifico! (NFL/FOX)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: I thought it was a shoe-in. Lead by vengeful Aaron Rodgers, pass-happy Addai, Bears wideouts vs. Cleveland, and power-back Jacobs, it seemed like a sure deal. I was even playing against Peyton Manning during that rare, auspicious week where Peyton Manning does absolutely nothing. The 'Nukes put up an absurd amount of points - and STILL lost! @%$#!! And where did I blow it? At tight end, of course! At this point, I could write an entire doctoral dissertation on the Boss/Celek/Shiancoe decision - and successfully defend it. I could get up in front of the Senate and petition congress to permanently switch all fantasy leagues to a two-TE flex option. I could write volumes of epic poetry and soulful rock ballads - complete with endless repetitions of whooa ooah hoooa whoaah! - about how badly I've screwed up at tight end this season. One might go like this:

Favre's got his receivers; Harvin, Rice, and such

But I went and started Shiancoe, hoping he'd do just as much

He scored against the Pack before - I thought he'd do the same. 

Alas, it did not matter; he was painted green all game!

I opted to bench Celek - he was looking kind of meek

But in what was only game that Philly won all week

Donovan and and the Eagles built a funeral pyre

And tossed the G-men is as Celek lit the field on fire.

And with that, I'm out. Remember kids: If you're forced to cover Steven Jackson, you're up against a battering Ram.

*My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families. 

Seahawks, Sleepwalking, and more on that darned Scoreboard

Posting here at Second and One will slow down over the next few days; I have a family emergency that now takes priority over disjointed rambling about football.

For our weekend NFL action recap:

Oops, I Did It Again: Is there anyone in the entire league who knows how to take a team from the boulevard to the junkyard more than Jake Delhomme? Delhomme lead the Big Black Cats to an easy score at the two minute warning just before the half. However, Delhomme's fumble, two interceptions, and subsequent "aw, Shucks!" gesticulating finally allowed a sleepwalking Cowboys team to win one in Jerry Jones' football palace. What a depressing collapse. Delhomme has now turned the ball over eight times this season. Ladies and Gents: The Panthers have returned to their playoff form. Second and One asks this question: How is Jake Delhomme like a SCUD missile? Both are on the offense, but terribly inaccurate! Also: Nobody has managed to punt into the scoreboard yet (I was disappointed), but other inconveniences are now arising at the new Cowboys Stadium: supposedly the game clock is located in a place where the players practically cannot see it. 

Aww, CCCRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!! (Dunno Source)

It's the Lions! Get in the Car: Detroit has finally snapped an 19-game losing streak, by putting up 19 points...against Washington's 14! Huzzah! It was a beautiful day: RB Clinton Portis was stopped on a goal line stand, the offense drove a contiguous 99 yards and scored, Matt Stafford did not turn the ball over, Coach Jim Schwartz sent his team out after a postgame meeting and prayer to celebrate with the fans, rainbows filled the sky, angels came down from heaven, and center Dominic Raiola blew kisses to the crowd. I'm serious on that last one: the jubilations can be read about here (c/o Yahoo Sports) Our long national nightmare is over: and, if this continues on the Redskins' side, so is Jim Zorn's job.

Bear Down! Continuing with the NFC Central's sweep, the Monsters of the Midway scraped out another aneurysm-inducing win against the Seattle Seahawks. The Bears started slowly, and were down 13-0 at one point, coming from behind as the defense woke up and Cutler utilized an arsenal of receivers (Bennett, Olsen, Forte on the option, Knox) - ending with a go-ahead touchdown to Devin Hester, silencing Seattle's "12th man." However, there are strange things afoot. Last week, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed missed two field goals, and this week, Seattle kicker Olindo Mare also missed two. If this continues next week, I will conclude that the Bears have a magical machine that causes opposing kickers to send the ball 20 yards wide of the uprights. A miniature fan? Magnets in the football? An ultrasonic pulse that distracts everyone but Robbie Gould? 

The Seahawks' ugly uniforms temporarily blinded the Bears, leading them to a slow start. (Source: Chicago Tribune)

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees did not throw a touchdown this week, as the Saints kept it on the ground (no doubt shocking the cornerbacks, who had been scared witless all week) and thus have revoked my prognosticating privileges for the next N years. Brett Favre executed this positively sick Hail Mary pass, finding Greg Lewis with two seconds left to win it for the Vikes. (Vikings Fan Dome). Announcers are now referring to any similar end zone-seeking freak-show as "Favreian." Stop the presses and alert the OED! We have a new word! Next week the undefeated Vikings take on the Packers, in what will be the greatest exhibition of blood-sport since the gladiator days.

Amusing Announcing: 

Keith Olbermann: "Texans and Titans - The battle to see who's Johnson is bigger in this game."

Unknown College Announcer: "...Hit him like a bottle of Bacardi."

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet all the Way: Who is this Mark Sanchez kid? Did he really throw two TDs against the Titans? Did he also seriously run one in in for good measure? Was he really the first rookie QB in the league to win his first three games? Did he do it all and still only throw for one more yard than Kerry Collins? While I'm asking too many questions, what on earth's happened to the Titans?! (Lots O' Fun Stats c/o ESPN)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: After getting ground into a fine powder in week 2, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, came back swinging. I followed my instinct and switched Boss for Eagles TE Brent Celek, who hauled in a touchdown pass from David Kolb and and 16 points. Brandon Jacobs and Joseph Addai both put 6 on the scoreboard, as did Devin Hester and Bears WR Johnny Knox (who I picked up as a free agent to sub for the injured Wes Welker). Add this to Aaron Rodgers, and I was my league's point-leader for the week. Lookin' good.

Next week, barring anything catastrophic happening, Second and One will be visiting Soldier Field again to commune with the Great Ones as they attempt to school Detroit harder than Robocop. A special "I Was THERE" entry to come!

Remember kids: 

Vikings conquer, Packers pound,

Colts stampede and Chargers ground,

Lions roar and Cowboys ride,

Broncos buck, but Bucs get fried,

To the playoffs, Saints are fated,

Patriots fight, but Raiders, raided.

Titans clash and Steelers rust, 

Giants shrink and Bengals bust,

and those who play Bears end in dust.

O Holy Day

I must apologize for the scarcity of entries recently. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a job (outside of rambling about football, that is) and things have been a bit hectic at work this past week.

***

Before our Feature Prognostication, Second and One presents a sonnet (yes, a wimpy sonnet!) in honor of the Superbowl. Yes. I wrote a sonnet, which a) everyone is probably surprised someone like me could do, and b) probably should disqualify me from talking about football for the next N years as it's...it's the polar opposite of the glorious organized violence that is the sport! It's a sonnet! Should I also note that sometimes I listen to loud Russian opera when I write this blog, while I'm at it?

***

Today is for rest, the holiest day

Unplug your computer and turn off your phone

For every fan knows what is coming today

Don't work or worry, just stay at home

Order a pizza and call up your friends

Scoff wings and chips before your TV

Talk about things like touchdowns and tight ends;

And practically hook up beer to an IV

Enjoy the commercials and all cheer in unison

Put aside differences, the great and the small

Throw more stuff than a bad family reunion

And argue together about that last call

For down in Tampa, in tropical weather

Everyone's watching (yes, even the girls!)

And thus, let this game bring us together

To celebrate the greatest sport in the world.

Let's root for our teams and follow the score,

For the Big One is upon us once more!

***

I've been thinking most of the week (when not working) about who I think will win this one, and honestly, I think both teams have an equally good shot at this point. Both teams are aggressive, hard-hitting scoring machines. Both Pittsburgh and 'Zona are wound up tighter than the tape on Hine's Ward's bad knee, and both are ready to unleash Mutually Assured Destruction on their rivals. 

The Cardinals have an amazing passing game, coming into tonight's contest with the 4th-ranked overall offense in the league. Kurt Warner's got his personal line with God opened, and Larry Fitzgerald has great hands. Their run game has become a greater and greater contribution recently, despite previous inconsistencies. And these are things that we all know. Can all of these good things, however, stack up against the brutal 3-4 spread that is the infamous Steel Curtain? 

On the defensive end, although Arizona's largely inconsistent defense has shown up, closing running lanes and (for example) making Brian Westbrook completely miserable in the championship game by holding him to under his average yards-per-carry, they still appear to have some problems in the deep pass coverage. What do you do against Ben Roethlisberger, though? With Bruce Arians at the helm, opponents of the Steelers often find themselves being forced to defend against deep passes, often dialed up in early down situations. The psychology is confusing; how does one defend against this? A sophisticated variant of the cover-2? Do you cut the nonsense and just play cover-4 on every other play? Do you rig up the Sky-Cam to drop on Big Ben's head whenever he's got 3 receivers lined up?

The Steelers have a sophisticated defense- there is no question about it. And while they also have a sophisticated offense, full of totally wacky offensive formations and general smoke and mirrors, will Hine's Ward's injury do anything? I know everyone's concerned more with debating over whether or not Ward blocks too hard and what his nationality is*, but the guy's a huge performer in big games (where it counts) and even though he's going to grin (literally) and bear it, will this affect the Steelers' rhythm negatively?

A friend of mine remarked that the game will come down to offense vs. defense. I'd have to agree with her, but add several caveats. To me, the game seems like "Pass-wacko offense with schizo defense vs. Overconfident defense with an offense missing a star receiver." So how do I predict this? The lines in Vegas seem to favor the Steelers, but I don't trust half of it. 

Readers will notice I do a lot of things in this blog:

a) Use a lot of topical simile and metaphor

b) Rip on the Detroit Lions

c) Pontificate about concepts of which I have no clue about;

d) Make fun of people with silly names.

So ordinarily, in situations like this, I'd pick the team with the silliest name to win (Whisenhunt and Pendergast, attorneys at law); but the Steelers counteract handily with "Roethlisberger," so this strategy also fails. Tell you all what. I don't care who wins the game; football is football and I'm in it for the good time. I'll react the same way whether Larry Fitzgerald or Troy Polamalu gets tackled by his hair. But, because my favorite team is in the NFC, I have to support my conference and I will pick the Cardinals, yet again.  Best of luck to both the Cardinals and the Steelers: May the best man win! Full analysis later, if I'm not *too* inebriated!

Remember kids: If the only Super Bowl you know contains food, Shaun Rodgers would like a word with you.**

*Hines Ward is half-African-American and half-Korean.

**The enormous defenseman on the Cleveland Browns. Weighs about 370 lbs.