Picking up from where we left off last time...
On Their Way In:
San Diego (2-2): Philip Rivers is like a cat: he punctuates long periods of relative dormancy with frantic bursts of sheer insanity. One such bout was the Steelers/Chargers contest, in which the ‘Bolts were shut out at the half and then cranked up the voltage in the 4th period to put up 21. If the Powder Blues can keep up this ability and ignore the fact that they’re coached by Norv Turner, who is an amusingly palindromic 79-97, they’ll be as they always are: pretty good. I’m not saying they’ll beat Denver or not go One-and-Done in the playoffs, but they’ll be ok. Plus: who doesn’t like watching Darren Sproles?
Seattle (2-3): Despite the team starting slowly, Matt Hasselbeck is back in practice, and he will have no problem hooking up with TJ Houshmandzadeh (which I actually spelled right the first time.) in this Sunday’s Battle in Seattle against the Cards. Seattle has a lot of momentum after embarrassing Jacksonville and finally closing the wardrobe door on their earlier ugly uniform choices.
Against Jacksonville, The Seahawks chose to only dip their hands and feet into the Kryptonite instead of wearing it. Source: Corky Trewin, seahawks.com.
Pittsburgh (3-2): They’re playing Cleveland at home in Heinz Field. Cleveland blew the last eleven in this series. The Steelers won their last two, including the first road win of the season. Roethlisberger’s throwing to absolutely everyone. But most important: Troy Polamalu is back, and is ready to eat Derek Anderson for lunch. I don’t think I need to say much more. They’re probably the strongest of this bunch. (Ok, this time, the rhyme was unintentional.)
Houston (2-3): Houston is like a watered-down, low-calorie, guilt-free version of San Diego: similar standout pass offense, similarly quiet running game, and similar unimpressive defense for the exception of against the rush, and similar ability to stay in close shootouts. Fun Fact: seven points or fewer have decided three out of the last five games involving the Texans. When Matt Schaub is in his happy place, he can play like a man possessed.
New York Jets (3-2): Mayday! Mayday! After Sanchez turned the afterburners on for three consecutive weeks, the Jets have lost their last two games and now WR Jerricho Cotchery isn’t feeling too well. Nonetheless, the Jets, after the Favre disaster and coaching turnover, have new blood and new life, and are up against Buffalo and Oakland next. They’re not in bad shape at all, considering that they’re tied with New England and the other half of the AFC East is below 0.500.
On Their Way Out:
Baltimore (3-2): Baltimore fans have complained needlessly that the referees are repeatedly ramming the Ravens, yet did you know that Baltimore is currently the most heavily penalized team in the NFL? (Baltimore Sun) The defense repeatedly drew costly personal fouls against both New England and Cincinnati, likely playing a role in these losses. The Blackbirds head up north next to take on the undefeated Vikings, and the officials won’t be any less generous about protecting the aging Brett Favre.
Jacksonville (2-3): Jacksonville hasn’t been very good since 2007, when they went 11-5. In 2008, they did the inverse, finishing 5-11. While I think they’ll do better than last year, they’re not off to a terrific start and are suffering from some team drama; Mike Sims-Walker, the team’s star wideout, was benched for violating team rules. QB David Garrard also had been hosting a radio show where he connected with fans and editorialized about the sport, which Jack Del Rio was opposed to. Papa Jack pulled the plug on Garrard’s blather, and the Jags went on to blow their next game to Arizona. (NFL.com) They later suffered a bone-crushing loss as the Seahawks shut them out 41 to zip. Perhaps the coach thought Garrard didn’t have a very good radio voice? But hey, what can we expect from a team whose mascot accidentally lit himself on fire during a pyrotechnics stunt? (Juggling Apples).
Jaxson de Ville, when not channeling the spirit of Richard Pryor.
San Francisco (3-2): The Niners don’t make any sense this year. They are ranked in the bottom three in pass yardage and total yardage, and beat Arizona despite doing nothing impressive. Frank Gore ran all over Seattle and San Fran hung tight with the Vikings, but they lost to the latter in true stomach-punch fashion. Yet there is no adjective to describe what Atlanta did to them last week. Obliterated? Annihilated? Violated? I think they’ll have a winning record, but I don’t think a team can keep up this kind of inconsistency for a terribly long time without eventually folding.
Green Bay (2-2): The loss of Favre has really hurt the Packers. They went from 13-3 in 2007 to 6-10 in 2008. They’re 2-2 this year, beating only a slow-starting Chicago and a St. Louis team that’s, well…St. Louis, while losing to the Vikings and the Bengals. The Packers seem like another team were Some Assembly May Be Required. Aaron Rodgers can put up some good numbers, and absolutely anybody can throw anything to Donald Driver, but they’re playing behind an injured, undisciplined offensive line that couldn’t protect a butterfly, and their defense thus far has proven to be average at best.
Bad, But Room for Improvement:
Detroit (1-4): What’s there to say about Detroit that hasn’t been said already? They’ve got a promising new quarterback, and Calvin Johnson, as always, has got good hands and soul, but yet the team remains the epitome of the Motor City’s post-Millenial decline. It would be nice to see the Lions finally remove the pesky “L” that follows them around. This would, of course, result in them becoming the Detroit Ions, but ions have at least got spark. Until then: President Obama, can we have a bailout in aisle 9?
Carolina (1-4): The Big Black cats are still suffering from Playoff-itis. Ever since that game, where Jake Delhomme single-handedly stuffed the whole team into the toilet and flushed, they haven’t been the same, blowing all four preseason games and only winning for the first time against Washington last week - by a field goal. Still, on the season, Delhomme, who is 34, has thrown 3 touchdowns, but has thrown eight interceptions, has personally lost two fumbles, and has been sacked ten times. Ay caramba! Can DeAngelo Williams just throw the ball and run down the field to catch it, already?
Washington (2-3): Washington is the strongest of this lot because they have won two games. The catch: the two wins came against Tampa and St. Louis. They lost to Detroit, the G-men, and Carolina, making all of this team’s statistics relevant only in the context of the bottom-feeder bracket, mostly. Considering this caveat, Washington is only mediocre on offense. Did you know that the Redskins’ secondary is third in pass coverage and the team is fifth in total yardage allowed and sixth in total points allowed? Of course, for the exception of New York, the teams they played couldn’t collectively take out a rug and beat it, but still, these figures make them the most promising of the lesser teams. Plus: week 1’s faux punt/touchdown was still the coolest special teams play of the season.*
Buffalo (1-4): Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Is this the same team that lost to the Patriots by a single point in the first week? After toying with Tampa and winning, the Bills went on to lose their next two games by a combined fifty-eight points. Good God almighty. In physics, momentum is defined as the product of mass and velocity. Unfortunately, Buffalo appears to have none of these three.
Shoot them Behind the Woodshed:
Cleveland (1-4): It’s a catastrophe. Braylon Edwards, who apparently had been starting some drama in Cleveland, is traded to the Jets, rapidly learns their routines, and scores a touchdown on Monday night. Cleveland, on the other hand, just cannot score, averaging 11 points per game. Some Browns fans thought the problem was Brady Quinn, yet Derek Anderson has done essentially no better, indicating deeper bad blood (likely left over from the Romeo Crennel era) that just can’t be exorcised. Plus, not to be juvenile, you know your team is bad when “taking the Browns to the Superbowl” is a slang term for using the toilet. However, as they have actually won a game, they’re the strongest of this bunch and could easily move up into the above category now that Jamal Lewis is healthier.
Tennessee (0-5): What is wrong with this team?! I just attended at a two-day symposium, and if a series of organic chemists who collectively know approximately as much about football as a potted plant can all agree that there is something seriously amiss down in Tennessee, then there is an obvious disconnect somewhere. But WHAT is it? This team routed practically the entire AFC forward and backward last season, and now finds themselves on the receiving end of what appears to be some kind of enormous cosmic joke. Sure, to quote one of yesterday’s crew, “Collins is older than dirt”, but Kenny Britt isn’t a bad receiver, and Johnson and White aren’t bad running backs. Is it the loss of defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz to the Lions? Is it more Vince Young drama? Why is it that the only Titan to score points these days is Rob “Still Can’t Hit the Broad Side of a Barn” Bironas? If someone knows the answer to why the Titans have failed so miserably, please tell me!
Second and One believes this logo is more appropriate for the 2009 Titans.
St. Louis (0-5): (The Rams, also known as the Lambs and the Yams due to the fact that everyone eats them for dinner) are a winless, witless, limpid, listless, amorphous pile of goo, lead by the Bulger/Boller Battle O’ Badness. There are no words to describe this team right now: Despite their thirty-second flashes of brilliance from time-to-time, they are the New Detroit, having lost 31 of their last 36 games. Second and One proposes that they are bad on purpose, to avoid being purchased by Rush Limbaugh. Statistic O’ Suckage: the Rams lead the league in fumbles lost, and have made some extremely poor decisions. When you are on the road and losing, you do not punt from midfield! Ugh!
Tampa Bay (0-5): The Second entry in our “What happened here?!” category, the Buccaneers, under Brian Griese, were headed toward a wild-card spot until the final implosion and subsequent firing of Jon Gruden, who’s not half-bad as a commentator. However, whatever bad chemistry started at the end of the season has not been cleansed by Raheem Morris. Gregg Easterbrook of Tuesday Morning Quarterback notes duly that the Bucs and Titans followed a 22-5 streak by promptly going 0-15 together. Also: Why are they called the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? They don’t play in the bay; they’re not a water polo team. Easterbook refers to them collectively as “City of Tampa” – well played, although they might as well play in Tampa Bay; they’re already sunk!
Kansas City (0-5): I have come to the conclusion that nobody in Missouri can play football this year except maybe Mizzou. Matt Cassel was all but a star for the Patriots, promising to print more cash than the national mint if released into free agency, as he lead them 11-5. Unless he wins the next eleven straight, we’ve got either a rebuilding year or a serious mismatch!
Oakland (1-4): Oakland is perhaps the pinnacle of seriously bad psychology. The team has not scored a touchdown in three weeks. JaMarcus Russell, if anyone follows fantasy point trends, has been below 30 – on the entire season thus far. For perspective, Aaron Rodgers had 31 points alone against St. Louis (give or take five points depending upon what scoring system you’re using). On top of it, head coach Tom Cable has been suspected of assaulting a defensive assistant and may face potential disciplinary action from the Commissioner’s office and criminal charges. (ESPN) The gory, violent details can be read at ESPN. Their best hope is that at least they’ll get to draft high next year, and could go for a good QB/WR combo, because when JaMarcus Russell can actually throw the ball, the only person who seems to be able to catch it is his tight end Zach Miller.
The Raiderettes score more points with fans than the actual team does. Source: Scores Report, NFL.com.
That's all for now! Next time: college coverage, 'Nukes update, and picks for the week!
*Well, except for Johnny Knox pulling a Gayle Sayers and running back a punt from end zone to end zone.
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