Now that everyone is five times heavier and we're putting up our holiday decorations, it's time for an end-of-season Kollege Kickoff Spectacular!
Another One Bites the Dust: Really Dusty Rivalry Edition: In this weekend of hotly contested rivalry games, Georgia Tech (#7), Pitt (#9), Clemson (#18), North Carolina (#24), and Ole Miss (#25) played their arch nemeses: unranked Georgia, unranked West Virginia, unranked South Carolina, unranked NC State, and unranked Mississippi State, respectively - and all of the ranked teams lost. Despite being unranked, however, the upsetting teams are a respectable combined 33-26 this season. The BCS computer is running slightly hotter trying to crunch these numbers. Fun Fact: the largest Margin O' Upset was 17 points. The smallest was one.
Still Not a Very Christian Thing To Do: Is Texas Christian University (#4) for real? The Horned Frogs are undefeated for the first time since 1938, and have, this season, outscored opponents by a combined 488-149. Imagine playing against a team that you know could very easily triple up on any points you score: it's the football equivalent of cutting one head off of a monster only to have three grow in its place. However, let's look at whom TCU has played this season. Three of the Horny Toads' drubbings have been against truly good teams: Clemson is 8-4. BYU is 10-2, and Utah is 9-3. Ok, maybe at 7-5, we can say that both the Air Force and Southern Methodist teams aren't terrible, despite being unranked and understated. Of the remaining teams, only Texas State (out of the FCS Southland Conference), has a winning record at 7-4. The remaining teams are a combined 22-50. The final humiliation came against the New Mexico Lobos, where TCU ended the game by scoring five unanswered touchdowns in the first 20 minutes. What is TCU trying to prove here? That they deserve a shot at the national crown? That America still believes in good Christian values like kindness, loving one's neighbor, and frantic, unsportsmanlike attempts to run up the score? That they're the FBS equivalent of a chain-gang beating up my grandmother?
Second and One proposes a solution: Once you're ahead by 35 points, you are forced to either pull your starters or you get your backside fined for unsportsmanlike conduct. It's that simple.
Toby Gerhart for Heisman: Against embattled Notre Dame, Stanford RB Toby Gerhart* rushed for 205 yards and 3 touchdowns - number 24, 25, and 26 this season. If we count a season as being 13 games on average, Gerhart scores an average of 14 points per game. Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Gerhart has not fumbled once this season. Even more impressive: Gerhart has never fumbled in his entire four-year tenure at Stanford. With the way this guy runs, he could run for president. Come on, Heisman People! The decision is clear!
The fan in the background has the right idea, just not the right one about graphic design. Source: AP, Paul Sakuma
Sour as a Lemon: Charlie Weis is no longer the coach of Notre Dame, after going 6-6 this season. Weis had the same record last year and a bowl win as well. However, Ron Zook is still the coach of the Fighting Illini after being below 0.500 for two consecutive years, and Rich Rodriguez is still captain of the sinking ship that is the University of Michigan Wolverines, who have had their first two consecutive losing seasons since 1963. Is 2+2 still 4?
Ridiculously Sick Play: With six minutes remaining in the first quarter, the quick-strike Cincinnati Bearcats scored again. QB Tony Pike, returning for his first start since he injured his non-throwing arm, completed a 59-yard pass to a fellow named Ben Guidugli. "Ben Gui-Who?" Readers ask. Second and One appreciates this technique: a positively epic play to a guy that not even Bearcats purists have heard of. Guidugli is a back-up tight end whom, at six feet even, doesn't appear to even be built to play tight end, but comes out to block when Cincy runs the spread. On the day, Guidugli had 2 TDs and 149 receiving yards. During the game, he was frequently in motion, or stayed in a semi-upright stance behind the line, confusing Illini defenders as to whether he would stay and block or be split wide. Perhaps most baffling to Second and One was that he wore #19, which is not a number normally reserved for his position. The Bearcats' other tight end wears #8. No wonder nobody could get these guys' numbers, including Illinois! In other news, Cincinnati's QB also plays center, their linebackers return kicks and their kicker is a cornerback, and Brian Kelly can bend spoons with his mind.
Confucius says: Six touchdowns by Cincy QB constitutes being impaled on Pike. Source: AP, David Kohl.
Sour as Spoilt Milk: In the annual Alabama/Auburn contest, the Iron Bowl, the Auburn Tigers came into the 4th quarter with a one-point lead, an onside kick touchdown, and tons of momentum. They were geared for the upset of the millenium. With nine minutes left until the curtain fell, Auburn punted to the Crimson Tide, who needed seven to remain undefeated - and promptly called two timeouts five seconds apart, effectively setting the Tide up to score, which they did. With the ball on their own 25-yard line and 1.5 minutes remaining, the Paper Tigers' next four offensive decisions were: incomplete pass, 9 yard pass, 4 yard run, false start. After this, Auburn returned to the run, and effectively ran their own team out of time! Did everyone simply lose the ability to see downfield? Does "Hail Mary" constitute unforgivable iconoclasm? Did Gene Chizik suddenly forget that the forward pass is now legal? Good Heavens!
No, Really: Toby Gerhart for Heisman: In the 4th quarter, Toby Gerhart also had a passing touchdown, from 18 yards out. In addition to this, Gerhart plays outfielder for Stanford's baseball team, and also took 21 credits at Stanford University this fall, including a fluff course called "calculus," whatever that is. Come on, Heisman People! Tim Tebow needs another one like a hole in the head! Although, I think Tebow maybe did get a hole in the head earlier this season, so maybe I shouldn't make this joke.
Sour as Battery Acid: As it comes to pass, it appears the Michigan State Spartans are unequivocally shafted, should they play in the Insight or Alamo Bowl. After the frat brawl that resulted in the dismissal of two players last week, woeful coach Mark Dantonio has suspended
eight more from all team activities, (ESPN, Big Ten Blog) including three wide receivers (two of which started this fall), a running back, and a cornerback (both of whom also played this past fall.) Now without another starting running back and a free safety, I say at this point MSU might as well just go all out and suspend any hopes of winning around Christmastime as well.
That's all for now!
*I realize I have been misspelling his name as "Gerhardt" all season long. Toby, if you ever read this, I'm sorry!
