Fun Times

So I went to one of the yearly end-of-summer picnics earlier tonight, and as always, someone brought a football and we got to playing catch even though it was approximately four-hundred degrees outside. As I mentioned earlier, I've got terrible hands but an okay arm, and at one point I tossed the ball to Chris, another chemist. Chris, who is from Louisiana and loves his Saints, remarked, "You are better than Brett Favre! You didn't throw the interception." 

Which reminded me. Brett Favre is coming back to play for the Vikings. I think the whole yes-no-maybe-so drama is really rather ridiculous, so I'll cut-and-dry about it. In honor of Favre's supposed return, I give you all this. Vikes fans may throw things at will. Caveat emptor, as they say. 

The best part was later in the evening, when I took off running with the ball as someone chased me. I paused in front of Chris, obviously dropped the ball on the ground, and said,

"Now I'm Adrian Peterson."

Week 4, as Promised.

This is the only time the Bears will be mentioned in this entry. There. Now that I've gotten it out of my system, I find it worth mentioning that first, I am four-for-four on last week's picks, and overall, 6.5/8.*

Without further ado, it's been a big week for news in the NFL.

***

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Despite his positively explosive start against Philadelphia and Detroit, Drew Brees has not thrown a touchdown pass in two weeks. Nonetheless, the New Orleans Scoring Machines continue to put up impressive stats as Pierre Thomas and ilk run all over opponents. Is it a dual run-pass threat (that makes the Saints very scary indeed), or is everyone so scared of Brees that the Pass Coverage Machine has been proverbially cranked up to eleven?

On the other hand, Brett Favre, with the completion of a very over-hyped Monday Night Football contest that drew the largest cable TV audience ever (ESPN), has now defeated every team in the league. Sports anchors everywhere touted Favre as the greatest quarterback ever! It's a Monday Night Favregasm! Favre-lous! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Favre has bested Aaron Rodgers in a revenge game! Poor, emo, sulktastic Aaron, always second behind BRETT FAVRE, who is almost 15 years older!

Not to editorialize, but the problem in Monday's game was NOT Aaron Rodgers. Statistically speaking, Rodgers outgained Favre in many categories. Favre threw for 271 yards, Rodgers for an astonishing 384, and Rodgers ran 16 yards compared to Favre's -2. On the season, Rodgers has thrown for over 200 yards more than his former teammate, and only has a QB rating of 3.6 points lower. 

After taking a pounding from the Vikes' D-line, Rodgers will spend his bye week sitting in Jake Delhomme-esque poses and alternating between in the Jacuzzi and in traction. Source: Newscom.

Where the Packers were deficient was on offensive line. Missing starting left tackle Chad Clifton, the O-line, including left guard Daryn Colledge, tried desperately to overcompensate and threw incomplete blocks. The line generally found itself unable to finish plays properly, and, in making these (temporally) short blocks, folded like a lawn chair repeatedly on passing downs. Rodgers was sacked eight times, 4.5 times alone by defensive hyper-end Jarred Allen. Favre, meanwhile, had the Great Wall of China in front of him. Whilst his monstrous O-line engaged the defenders (who were unable to get to him once), Favre found enough time to do anything he wanted to, including picking apart the Pack's secondary, answering his fan-mail, and crocheting several doilies. 

Keep in mind now that despite being folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield, Rodgers still managed to throw for almost 400 yards. Statistically speaking, who is the better quarterback?

This is Why You Go For It: In a dead heat between two Ohio teams, the Browns and Bengals were tied in overtime at 20-20 in a shootout.  The Bengals were 4th and 11 on the Cleveland 41, with only 1:04 left. Coach Lewis was content to punt for the tie, but Carson Palmer went ballistic on the sidelines, begging him to go for it, and on 4th down, he scrambled from the shotgun 15 yards for the first down, and a 31-yard field goal gave Cincinnati the win, as they moved to 3-1. Carson Palmer: Niiiiiice move. Coach Lewis: "Punt for the tie!?" What kind of psychology is this? You never settle for a tie. You try and win the game!! This is the same kind of poor, demoralizing coaching that gives rise to "kicking the field goal just to reduce the margin of defeat." What next? Running off the field squealing in admission of a loss? Unfortunately, I think this sort of psychology may bode ill for the Bengals in the future, unless Palmer has anything to say about it. 

Football/Politics Crossover: There has been a lot of gossip around the league about the ownership of the St. Louis Rams. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh announced Tuesday that he would be interested in going halvsies on the failing franchise with Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues.(The 670 Score) Second and One promises to always remain apolitical, as sports and politics are best not kept too close to each other (like politics and religion) but I am (editorializing again) not sure if this is a good idea just due to the polarization it will create amongst Rams players and fans alone. There is enough controversy in the league already over everything ranging from equipment sponsorships to Braylon Edwards' jibber-jabber with LeBron James. Some boiler-room discussion (for those who enjoy this sort of debate) can be found here. (St. Louis Today).

Or it could be terribly amusing. If Limbaugh buys the team, in addition to continued losing, we might get to see:

An increase in rush plays, exclusively to the right;

Tickets being sold only to the wealthiest 10% of the general public;

QB Marc Bulger interjecting mandatory Clinton-bashing into all postgame press-conferences;

And a new ability to purchase to purchase oxycontin at concession stands!

Amusing Announcing: During Monday night's Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre, the announcers screwed up multiple players' names, referring to kicker Mason Crosby as both "Nason Crosby" and "Sidney Crosby"**, the latter a combination of Crosby's name and that of Rookie Vikes WR Sidney Rice. In addition, Packers TE Jermichael Finley's first name was stumbled over repeatedly until he was eventually called "JaMarcus Finley." Second and One is awaiting the call from Jermichael Russell out in Oakland. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: As both Knox and Hester were injured early Sunday, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, suffered terribly at WR. Additionally, because I was playing that one guy who had Philip Rivers the week that Philip Rivers went all PHILIP RIVERS, the 'Nukes were handed their worst defeat of the season. I'm hoping to recover this week, following the "Start whoever plays Detroit/St. Louis/Kansas City/Tampa" rule, employing Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker (a gamble), and Sidney Rice (picked up on waivers), who not only looks to be breaking out as a receiver, but who also recovered two onside kicks on Monday Night.

Still nagging at me is the tight end decision. I had Kevin Boss in for Brent Celek on the bye week. Brent Celek has been burning up the scoreboard this season, as he is a favorite target of Eagles' backup Kevin Kolb. Statistically, I have been sitting on the league's best receiving tight end and didn't know it until this morning! However, as Donovan McRibb likely returns this week, nobody is sure whether he'll give a sniff to Celek, despite the latter's ability to score. Boss, on the other hand, may get more than his share of touches against an anemic Raiders defense. Ah, too many important decisions. 

And that's all for now. Remember kids: if you can't come up with anything witty to say, why even include this blurb? 

*The extra half-point is for calling the Pitt/Cincy skirmish "closer than one might think," despite getting the outcome wrong.

**Both brothers of Bing Crosby, apparently.

Seahawks, Sleepwalking, and more on that darned Scoreboard

Posting here at Second and One will slow down over the next few days; I have a family emergency that now takes priority over disjointed rambling about football.

For our weekend NFL action recap:

Oops, I Did It Again: Is there anyone in the entire league who knows how to take a team from the boulevard to the junkyard more than Jake Delhomme? Delhomme lead the Big Black Cats to an easy score at the two minute warning just before the half. However, Delhomme's fumble, two interceptions, and subsequent "aw, Shucks!" gesticulating finally allowed a sleepwalking Cowboys team to win one in Jerry Jones' football palace. What a depressing collapse. Delhomme has now turned the ball over eight times this season. Ladies and Gents: The Panthers have returned to their playoff form. Second and One asks this question: How is Jake Delhomme like a SCUD missile? Both are on the offense, but terribly inaccurate! Also: Nobody has managed to punt into the scoreboard yet (I was disappointed), but other inconveniences are now arising at the new Cowboys Stadium: supposedly the game clock is located in a place where the players practically cannot see it. 

Aww, CCCRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!! (Dunno Source)

It's the Lions! Get in the Car: Detroit has finally snapped an 19-game losing streak, by putting up 19 points...against Washington's 14! Huzzah! It was a beautiful day: RB Clinton Portis was stopped on a goal line stand, the offense drove a contiguous 99 yards and scored, Matt Stafford did not turn the ball over, Coach Jim Schwartz sent his team out after a postgame meeting and prayer to celebrate with the fans, rainbows filled the sky, angels came down from heaven, and center Dominic Raiola blew kisses to the crowd. I'm serious on that last one: the jubilations can be read about here (c/o Yahoo Sports) Our long national nightmare is over: and, if this continues on the Redskins' side, so is Jim Zorn's job.

Bear Down! Continuing with the NFC Central's sweep, the Monsters of the Midway scraped out another aneurysm-inducing win against the Seattle Seahawks. The Bears started slowly, and were down 13-0 at one point, coming from behind as the defense woke up and Cutler utilized an arsenal of receivers (Bennett, Olsen, Forte on the option, Knox) - ending with a go-ahead touchdown to Devin Hester, silencing Seattle's "12th man." However, there are strange things afoot. Last week, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed missed two field goals, and this week, Seattle kicker Olindo Mare also missed two. If this continues next week, I will conclude that the Bears have a magical machine that causes opposing kickers to send the ball 20 yards wide of the uprights. A miniature fan? Magnets in the football? An ultrasonic pulse that distracts everyone but Robbie Gould? 

The Seahawks' ugly uniforms temporarily blinded the Bears, leading them to a slow start. (Source: Chicago Tribune)

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees did not throw a touchdown this week, as the Saints kept it on the ground (no doubt shocking the cornerbacks, who had been scared witless all week) and thus have revoked my prognosticating privileges for the next N years. Brett Favre executed this positively sick Hail Mary pass, finding Greg Lewis with two seconds left to win it for the Vikes. (Vikings Fan Dome). Announcers are now referring to any similar end zone-seeking freak-show as "Favreian." Stop the presses and alert the OED! We have a new word! Next week the undefeated Vikings take on the Packers, in what will be the greatest exhibition of blood-sport since the gladiator days.

Amusing Announcing: 

Keith Olbermann: "Texans and Titans - The battle to see who's Johnson is bigger in this game."

Unknown College Announcer: "...Hit him like a bottle of Bacardi."

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet all the Way: Who is this Mark Sanchez kid? Did he really throw two TDs against the Titans? Did he also seriously run one in in for good measure? Was he really the first rookie QB in the league to win his first three games? Did he do it all and still only throw for one more yard than Kerry Collins? While I'm asking too many questions, what on earth's happened to the Titans?! (Lots O' Fun Stats c/o ESPN)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: After getting ground into a fine powder in week 2, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, came back swinging. I followed my instinct and switched Boss for Eagles TE Brent Celek, who hauled in a touchdown pass from David Kolb and and 16 points. Brandon Jacobs and Joseph Addai both put 6 on the scoreboard, as did Devin Hester and Bears WR Johnny Knox (who I picked up as a free agent to sub for the injured Wes Welker). Add this to Aaron Rodgers, and I was my league's point-leader for the week. Lookin' good.

Next week, barring anything catastrophic happening, Second and One will be visiting Soldier Field again to commune with the Great Ones as they attempt to school Detroit harder than Robocop. A special "I Was THERE" entry to come!

Remember kids: 

Vikings conquer, Packers pound,

Colts stampede and Chargers ground,

Lions roar and Cowboys ride,

Broncos buck, but Bucs get fried,

To the playoffs, Saints are fated,

Patriots fight, but Raiders, raided.

Titans clash and Steelers rust, 

Giants shrink and Bengals bust,

and those who play Bears end in dust.

Just when you think it's over...

Yep. Honestly, I can't say I saw this coming, but it was reported today that Brett Favre, the league's favorite drama queen, has signed with the Minnesota Vikings for 12 million dollars this year. (ESPN) Wow. Odds are, all of Green Bay is now a lynch mob, Peter King fainted, the Jets turned the other way, and the rest of the NFC (yes, even us Bears fans) are now hoping he gets injured so under-practiced quarterbacks will make for easier victories. 

Myself? I was at work when a colleague broke the news to me, and my resulting shouting and gesticulating nearly caused me to drop a jug of nasty solvent that could have easily gassed everyone in the county. Apparently the Vikes made quite a show of it too, flying Favre and his wife to Minneapolis, where he donned his traditional #4 for practice to the cheers of loyal fans. So, I will editorialize. Honestly, I think this whole thing will damage Favre's reputation. The Vikings, of course, are so desperate to not choke away a fifth Superbowl, that I don't think Brad Childress cares much beyond this superficial level and whether or not the Metrodome is still standing. But consider this.

This guy has been compared to everything from gum on one's shoe to bronchitis (neither of which will just go away quietly). He has a revolving door on his retirement: he's in, he's out, he's in, he's out; this "drama queen factor" makes it difficult to take anything he does seriously, just like how most reasonable people don't believe that the characters on soap operas are real. He's gotten a lot of people scratching their chins, and a few more banging their heads into the wall. I think he pissed off at least half of New York (and probably all of New Jersey) by finishing 1-4. The Jets, pre-Favre, under Eric Mangini - were a bigger pile of toxic waste than Love Canal, and Favre gave them postseason hope. Following a series of injuries, the show promptly went from blockbuster to lackluster, with Favre tossing interceptions and ending with a passer rating of just under 60. 

On top of it, the entire state of Wisconsin hates him for what amounts to sports club divorce. I wonder if Favre has any respect for the Packers at all. To think, the heads of the organization could have paid him a boatload of cash to simply be their spokesperson for the next N years. He would've shook hands, signed autographs, and had his face plastered all over all sorts of memorabilia, but (to play the devil's advocate) what would he have done in the downtime? Played golf? Sat at home and watched the games on Sunday and wished he were still in the pocket? So why does he do it? He doesn't need the money. It's dopamine. As I mentioned earlier, this man is addicted to playing football, plain and simple, and re-acclimating to polite society, (you know, where you're not being chased by by a 22-year-old cornerback who wants nothing more than to plant you so deep in the turf that only your cleats stick up) is analogous with soldiers coming back from the war. He just wants to keep fighting.

Now, the Vikings. The Vikings are not a terrible team. They made the playoffs last year. They tore up the floundering Indianapolis Colts in Indy in their opening exhibition game. They drafted John David Booty (USC, he absolutely embarrassed UofMichigan in the Rose Bowl in 2007), who could help further offensive rebuilding. But no, they want to be part of the Favre legacy, and instead choose to trivialize Tarvaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte, and take away Booty's jersey number (he's now #9, which is probably an accurate description of where he'll be in the lineups from now on) so Favre could stay number 4. Disrespectful.

***

In other football news, Rex Grossman (formerly known as the Bears' Sex Cannon) has injured his hamstring in the exhibition game against the Chiefs [which I read as "goofing around with the Houston Texans" (670 score)] and will be out for 4-5 weeks. Man, with the way Grossman screwed up with the Bears, I'm not sure if the Texans should be worried or relieved. Oh wait. Their backup is Dan Orlovsky. This can only end in hilarity.

***

A couple days ago, I took one of those online "personality tests" when I was bored at work. I don't remember exactly what type I am (and maybe the details aren't important), but I'm proud to say that test tells me, in true 2ndand1 fashion, that Peyton Manning and I have the same personality type.

Remember kids: Safety is important. Otherwise you have no secondary.

And The Door Creaks Open...

For the reassurance of my readers: although it's been a fairly rough summer, I am (and 2ndand1 is) still alive! 

We are less than a month now before the pigskin starts flying again, so without further ado, let us kick off (heh heh, punny) with some news!

Obligatory Favre Watch: It comes to the relief of everyone except the sports paparazzi that Brett Favre is staying retired, (scoop from ESPN!) rather than signing to start with NFC central rival the Minnesota Vikings. In other news, it was reported that the collective sigh of the Packers' fan base blew over small buildings all the way to the Michigan border.

The brunt of Favre's decision seems to stem from injuries in his ankles and knees obtained while working out with Purple Jesus' teammates. Supposedly, various coaches and retired quarterbacks (Jim Kelly, from the Bills, among them), also urged Favre to quit while he was on top, instead of looking like a loon trying to play for every team in the league. Now, while this is fine advice on general principle, I wouldn't listen to anything that Jim Kelly says. Fun Fact: Did you know that Jim Kelly used to force himself to vomit before every game, because he believed it was good luck? This is sheer lunacy. I've heard of rabbit's feet and lucky octopi and sentiments written on under-eye paint, but after a while, I'd bet the GM was considering changing the team name to the Buffalo Bulimics after he found out. Gosh, I sure hope Brett Favre's "soul-searching" leading up to his retirement didn't involve copious amounts of chunder from down under!*

Michael Vick was released from prison this week, and it's rumored now that a variety of teams have expressed interest in the former puppy pugilist, most recently the Seattle Seahawks. I sincerely hope this is just Jim Mora being nice and that the whole thing isn't serious. Although maybe Seattle would be good for Vick. Instead of the down and dirty South, he gets to be emo about the team's positively abysmal 2008 season, and walk around wearing sandals and socks, surrounded by businessmen and enviro-hippies, until he too is carrying scones and a pound of Peet's coffee** and complaining about how all it does is rain.

In college news, SbB is reporting that Hawaii coach Greg McMackin made a mean homophobic comment while describing Notre Dame, and then tried to cover it up. Yeah, that worked well. Why do they put these people on the air? Also, this one may be henceforth binned under "delicious irony" in the fact that; 

a) McMackin's team (as an astute poster on Fark.com was keen to point out) is still officially called the "Rainbow Warriors"-which sounds like a Gay Pride group if I ever heard of one;

b) It's football! If I described (for example, to a non-American who has never heard of the sport) a game where men, some of which are called "Tight Ends," ran around in tight spandex trying to get into each other's end zones...well...let's just say it's not polite fiction.

c) He did it to Notre Dame. That's just mean. ***

To come later, of course: Bears news. But for the readership: I hope you've all joined your fantasy leagues and bought your tickets. I am pumped. Are you pumped?!

* Other wacky pregame rituals and lucky charms can be found in this SI article. It's from 1988, and is so outdated that it probably had to be translated from cuneiform, but it's still rings true.

** Or whatever they drink out there. Is Peet's a CA thing only? Of course, no slur is meant against people from Seattle!

*** I also feel the need to note here that although I do like to make fun of people in ways that push the boundary of the PG-rating sometimes, that 2ndand1 NEVER condones or endorses homophobia. Or racism. Or sexism, or ageism, or xenophobia, or religious discrimination, bad fan behavior, techno music during games, or football teams being given ridiculous names. That is all. 

Oh heavens, please, not this again!

First, the minor news. Texas Tech's Graham Harrell, who surprisingly went undrafted this year, reportedly worked out at the Cleveland Browns' rookie camp last weekend. I think this is fantastic. If he signs with the Browns, some good things will definitely happen, owing that he doesn't get psyched out or injured. Not only would this solve the Derek Anderson problem, but maybe having Harrell and Brady Quinn on the same team will be good for both of them, a sort of auto-catalytic motivation. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and the resultant mess could have the chemistry of boiled cabbage, but it's fun to speculate. Any Brownies fans out there want to comment?

***

And now, the big one. According to an anonymous source,* Brett Favre, everyone's favorite retirement drama queen, who is approximately 500 years old in football years** has started talking with Vikings coach Brad Childress about mounting a possible comeback. Does anyone hear that sound? This is the collective face-planting of every Wisconsinite into their cheese and sausage. For heavens' sake, Brett, make up your mind!

Personally, I think he should stay retired. Yes, we all realize that the man's suffered some horrific injuries and can still stay upright, which has lead to several theories that he is everything from the Second Coming to a very well-built cyborg, but the his collapse with the Jets last season was just mortifying. Plus, he's certainly ticked enough people off along the way."Please!" begged a friend and Jets fan that I met in grad school, "Go back to Wisconsin!" From the other angle, most Packers fans still don't even want to talk about it. 

Of course, then, if he does come back to play for the Vikes, everyone's wondering what Favre's motivation is. Favre certainly has enough money, so it can't be for financial gain even in this floundering economy. Is it going to be an ill-fated publicity stunt? Does he believe he can actually help the rather anemic-looking Vikings? Is it his ambition to play for a different team every year? I have a new hypothesis. I'm starting to think that he is literally addicted to playing football. Contrary to some people's belief, it is psychologically possible to be addicted to things other than sex, drugs, and rock-and roll. Time for a Second and One Soliloquy O' Science!

The way the human brain works is that when we do something that we like, our brains produce certain chemicals, most notably dopamine (the chemical above). Dopamine then makes us feel good. Why do we like eating chocolate cake, nice weather, and watching overconfident running backs get tackled? Because the stimulus-response loop produces dopamine. Of course, there are other chemicals involved, like adrenaline (think of skydiving, snowboarding, and fight-or-flight responses), and serotonin, which modulates our moods.  However, when we over-stimulate all of this repeatedly with something (anything), stuff can go haywire. People don't even understand how it works, but we want more feel-good chemicals, and thus we can become addicted to the stimulus. Could it sincerely be that Favre is somehow trapped in an endless dopamine feedback-loop of throwing more interceptions than anyone? Or is he addicted to the attention?

If it's the former, by all means, let the guy play until he's 70 if he can. Let him be the Strom Thurmond of the NFL. If all of this retiring-unretiring claptrap is just for more news-time, however, I think that, barring him taking the Vikings to the Super Bowl (and having them actually not choke it away for the fifth time), the best thing all of us sportswriters can do is ignore the recent dose of Favreapalooza.

Which then, of course, begs this question: Why am I writing about this at 4:30 AM?

*When it comes to Favre, "anonymous source" means "Peter King" nine times out of ten.

**Football years are kind of like dog years, only there's more math involved and they're not as easy to explain to little kids.