Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernauts Who Will Eat Your Children:
New Orleans (4-0): The Saints have one of the most frightening dual-attack offenses in the country. Although they are 11th in pass yards after two rather grounded games and the bye week, they are 2nd in rush yards and a solid first in overall ability to put up points. And to quote John Madden, "In order win a football game, you have to score points." Duh! On the defensive side of the ball, they're in the top ten for everything but pass yards allowed, where they are currently ranked eleventh. Not bad. Not bad at all for a team named after a song that was originally a funeral hymn.
Indianapolis (5-0): I think understand the Colts now. They've had many changes - a new stadium, coaching turnover, aging players, defensive injuries, heartbreaking playoff collapses, the sheer despair that is playing in Indianapolis - why is it they're always so good? The answer: Peyton Manning. This guy plays with the "intensity" switch permanently stuck in the "on" position, masterfully commanding his offense time and time again. On Sunday, he passed Fran Tarkenton's touchdown and yardage records. It's like having an offensive coordinator that can run the show and stand under center at the same time. Although I have no idea how to interpret Manning's audibles and wild hand signals - it's like watching the love-child of Marcel Marceau and a traffic cop conducting the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, while Joseph Addai and Donald Brown fly across the stage.
Yeah. You'd better be lookin' at this. Source: operationsports.
Denver (5-0): Kyle Orton's accuracy has been pinpoint with his receivers, and he has only thrown one interception this entire season. In a true test of strength, Josh McDaniels bested his mentor on Sunday afternoon, banishing Belichick, Brady, and the Boston Patriots as Matt Prater nailed the game-winning field goal. Their only downside: extremely ugly throwback uniforms. However, Denver's had some nail-biters. They barely escaped from Dallas last week, and beat Cincinnati on a sheer miracle. Ergo, I believe they're the weakest of the unstoppables.
Bonus note: Two of the three Scary Strongmen are teams named after horses. Barring the fact that both teams are in the AFC, do I hear a My Little Pony Bowl in the future?
Let's Talk When they Beat Another Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernaut:
New York Giants (5-0): Is there anything bad to say about the Giants? Eli Manning is rapidly turning into Peyton Manning Lite and they have a solid defense and two of the league's best power rushers in Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. They have yet to play anyone, however, who truly can test their strength, instead beating confused Dallas, the winless Bucs and winless Chiefs, sputtering, vomitous Washington, and 1-4 Oakland. Is there any easier schedule than that?! The true test comes this week, when Big Blue collides with the sweeping hurricane that is the Saints. Ask me next week about the G-Men again.
Laudamus Adoramus Gigantes...but for how long? Source: Jim McIsaac, Getty Images
Minnesota (5-0): Brett Favre has really breathed life into a team that has historically imploded in the clutch even more than Indianapolis - the Vikes have been to four Superbowls, and they've lost four times. Their explosive start this year is a far cry from the Tarvaris Jackson/Gus Frerotte fiasco of last season, but who knows how Favre will hold up once his arms start achin' and the snow starts flyin'. Again, Purple Jesus and ilk have faced a ridiculously easy schedule: craptacular Cleveland, demolished Detroit, Sucky St. Louis, the Packers, who are suffering on the line, and the 49ers, whom the Vikes were one freaky, Favre-ian play away from losing to. Ask me next week after the Baltimore game.
Hangin' Around, Lookin' Fine, But Ask Again When There's a Game on the Line:
Chicago (3-1): The Jay Cutler trade was a good deal for everyone involved, and Cutler seems to slowly be integrating with the team. The Bears actually do not have any impressive offensive statistics. Yet they possess incredible special teams, can force turnovers, and can score with their defense. The Bears are currently 4th in sacks, tied for third for longest punts, lead the league in kickoff return yardage and average kick return yards, and are one of only three teams to have a return TD this season. In fact, they are seventh in pure ability to put up points. They have shown that they can finish games and find a way to win, much to the delight of their extremely nervous fan-base. The downside? A continually-ailing and sensitive secondary, and young receivers who still make rookie mistakes. As it stands now, they're not in the hunt for anything if matched against heavy, pass-wacky teams, but they're not out of anyone's picture, especially if someone can knock off the Vikings.
Cincinnati (4-1): Like the Bears, they do not have any impressive statistics. But they've got bravado, and I'm beginning to think the Bengals may be for real, taking down both Pittsburgh and Baltimore - not neglecting the fact that these teams are not your father's* Steelers or Ravens. They're on the other end of the Orton/Stokley miracle play, however. They face off against Houston this weekend, and Chicago next weekend. We'll know more then.
Philadelphia (3-1): Philly is a weaker, jazz-free, no-nonsense version of New Orleans, much like what the faux, Wal-Mart Dr. Pepper is to actual Dr. Pepper. Both contain plenty of caffeine and plenty of fizz, but in the end, only one is real. It's nice to see the bad PR surrounding Michael Vick hasn't got them down, however, and they continue to put up a solid stream of points, even under capable backup Kevin Kolb. The reason they belong in this category is that they too have had an easy schedule that included Carolina, Tampa Bay, and Kansas City, all of whom were squashed by 18 points or more. The illusion will likely continue as the Eagles play Oakland and Washington next.**
He may be a hunk, but has he got the spunk? And yes, the leader of the study group was female, thank you for asking. Source: Sundaypaper.com
Atlanta (3-1): The Falcons are a weird team. Like Chicago, they don't have any especially impressive stats other than preventing other teams from scoring fairly well, so it will be interesting to see how they match up with Chicago. They blew one to the unpredictable patriots, but they absolutely blew out the swelling 49ers likely to the chagrin of the head of my research group, who is from San Francisco. Also, everyone acknowledges that Matt Ryan is some kind of genetic mutation: can repeatedly throw for over 300 yards, has not been sacked in anyone's recent memory, and in a recent study, was scientifically proven to be the NFL's sexiest QB. (Wall Street Journal). But does pretty pay the rent?
Reply Hazy, Try Again Later:
Dallas (3-2): Dallas is like a box of car parts - they could be incredibly cool, if only they were assembled properly. They've got good players. Tashard Choice, Tony Romo, Miles Austin, and Jason Witten, who is one of the league's best tight ends, bar none. Do you know that Dallas puts up over 420 yards per game on average? Perhaps this is because they spend so much time trying to edge out opponents in the final seconds of the game or in overtime! Are they really missing Terrell Owens this much?
Miami (1-3): Miami has had 110 first downs this season as compared to 82 by all opponents, and has won the time-of-possession battle by over 10 minutes. They have had almost 200 total offensive yards more. They lead the league in rushing yards per game. Last year, the Dolphin's wildcat formations yielded an average of 8.9 yards per play (Daily Fix). What's wrong with this picture? We can explain why the the sky is blue, why certain chemicals won't react with other chemicals, and can sell ThighMaster to foreigners, but we can't put Miami's stats into a supercomputer to find out why they're only 1-3? Although this may be changing: Chad Henne's explosive offense finally worked it out on Monday night and crashed the Jets.
New England (3-2): Good news: Brady's finally healthy again. Bad news: they barely beat Buffalo. They're only 3-2. Good news: Well, looks like they finally stopped cheating and the Jets had their revenge in week 2!
Arizona (2-2): Ken Whisenhunt's Deck of Cards seems off to a slow start. Kurt Warner, however, is like chocolate, or maybe pizza: when he's good, he's really, really, really, REALLY good, and when he's bad, he's still better than having no QB at all.*** Having had Warner and Fitzgerald both on fantasy teams before, when these two are on, and on in tandem, your opponent might as well turn out the lights, because the party's over. If they're not, who do the Cardinals have? Boldin? Hightower from the backfield?
Part 2 to come later. Remember kids: there's a short quiz next period.
*Or mother's = we're equal-opportunity here.
**Eagles fans: Before you come after me and throw things, I'm saying your team is good, ok?
***Original versions of this joke were not safe for work or little readers.
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