This is not a good week.

First, I have to apologize for the sore lack of updating around here. I seem to have completely forgotten that this blog exists, neglecting it in a corner just days after Second and One's second anniversary. I'm so busy now: in addition to having to do chemistry, I have to teach it as well.

Truth be told, the NFC Championship game, as respectably as it ended for both teams, doesn't make me feel very good. Not because the Bears lost to a good team, but because of how much anti-Bears invective has been swirling around. Not just now, but all season long. Who cares of they honked out in the preseason? Who cares how sloppily they played at times? They still beat some tough rivals and lost by only seven in the NFC Championship game, and I think the hate needs to stop at the door of the postseason, especially for a team that got further than the Patriots. So, time for me to put this into pictorial form, lest I go into a Long, Persecuted Bears Fan rant. Inspired by a similar game for the Indianapolis Colts, it's...Bears Hate Bingo!

Nonetheless, despite the disappointing outcome, it was nice to see that the Bears aren't total toast at the QB position, and it was nice to see Brian Urlacher and Matt Forte absolutely play their hearts out. Thanks for the memories, Bears. It was a long, nauseatingly up-and-down but wildly pleasant season with an anticlimactic whimper of an ending.

Even after that, I still love you guys; I always will.

A Thriller in the Chiller!

Also known as "MC and Dad's Annual Bears-Related Heart Attack." 

I will never stop saying this. It happens every year. I come home for Christmas, plop myself in our den/TV room wearing all sorts of Bears gear (this year, a brand new Bears hoodie that I got as a Christmas gift over my Devin Hester jersey), and the game we watch damn near kills us. Sometimes, it gets so bad, that I think my mom and sister leave the house/move to a distant part of it intentionally so that they don't need to hear my dad and I going utterly ballistic for three hours.

Ok. So here's what was so logic-defying about this game. We've got the #8 defense in the league (Bears) meeting the #5 defense in the league (Jets). Put these two teams out in extreme cold and snow and make them play on turf that's probably worse than frosted kitty litter. And what do you get?

A 38-34 shootout, of course! I thought it would be a Bears blowout when the Bears scored 10 points easily. Then I thought it would be a Jets blowout when the Jets scored 24 in the second quarter and the Bears looked like they couldn't remember if they put their underwear on backwards or not. The Bears went into the locker room down by seven. And then came the third quarter, a scoring frenzy of positively epic proportions in which the Bears staged a furious comeback and Jay Cutler threw three touchdowns in like, eight minutes and positively hung the Jets' secondary out to dry. 

It was like they took uppers at halftime, or entered a barbarian-esque berserker phase, or sold their souls, or borrowed the Scoring Machine from the University of Oregon or maybe the Saints. It was like watching someone who is really good at Madden 11 beat someone who is abysmal at the same game. I've never seen anything quite like it. The Bears' offense under Mike Martz has been struggling to find an identity all year as Martz has been experimenting with the playbook (sometimes with disastrous results), but I like the recent incarnations, in which the Bears' prime goal is to score in a manner as quickly and precisely as possible. Cutler was great, Knox was sensational, Hester was magical, Forte was tough as nails, Olsen threw some tremendous blocks, and the O-line even held pretty well. 

The Bears have now scored 78 points in two games in which the defenses ran circles around themselves trying to contain Cutler and Crew. Had Robbie Gould not missed his field goal, it would've been the first time the Bears have posted back-to-back 40-pointers since 1948. I call this the "Bat-out-of-Hell" offense. Here's a picture of what the Bears' offense looked like yesterday.

All we need now are a couple of 5'9" receivers and for Lovie Smith to cut the sleeves off his sweatshirts. Source: Getty images, Mike Zarrilli.

By contrast, here's a picture of what the Bears' defense looked like yesterday for most of the game.

Where "you" equals "giving up a gerjillion yards against the slant by playing ten yards off the ball. 

Until the end, of course. The fourth quarter was one of those quarters that was such a nail-biter that I nearly chewed off the first digits of several fingers. I'll skip past a couple of the intermediaries and cut to the positively stunning conclusion. Mark Sanchez had the ball with about a buck left on the clock, no timeouts, and the Bears jumped offsides. He found what he thought was a wide-open Santonio Holmes streaking down the sidelines, but at the last minute, Chicago safety Chris Harris flew in front of him to make the game-icing interception. 

Ok. 11-4, folks. I'm generally a pretty big Bears skeptic, but I'm starting to believe in this Martz-Cutler chemistry stuff, and a picture of the two of them now serves as the background of my iPhone. 

And here are a few other observations from yesterday.

Best Way to Get Into the Playoffs: Even though the Jest, erm, Jets lost yesterday, Jacksonville lost in overtime and sent the Jets to the postseason again anyway! They were allegedly cheering in the post-game press-conference when they heard the Jaguars blew it. Ok. I don't understand how the tiebreaker system works. I understand a lot of things about football, but I don't understand this complicated equation involving strength of victory and schedule difficulty and who beat whose division rival. Truth be told, my actual desire to know about how playoff seeding works is on par with the desire to ask Rex Ryan for a foot massage.

Worst Way to Get Knocked Out of The Playoffs: The St. Louis Rams finally pounded any postseason hopes out of utterly dysfunctional San Francisco 49ers. As a result, eccentric coach Mike Singletary was shown the door approximately thirty seconds after the game. A defensive coach with a funny name that I don't remember takes over as interim. So not only do the 49ers look ridiculous in the way they've played, but the brass of the organization looks equally ridiculous in firing the coach in week 15 out of 16. 

Worst Way to Get Literally Knocked Out of the Playoffs: During the Chiefs' stomping of the sleepwalking Titans, Tennessee QB Kerry Collins faced heavy pressure and threw the ball away, where it sailed to the sidelines and hit his own defensive end (William Hayes) in the head and knocked him out of the game with a concussion. (NFL.com) Head coach Jeff Fisher uttered my sentiment exactly, italics mine; "That's kind of how the game went." I kind of want to make a video mashup of the Titans' 2010 miscues and bloopers and dub Yakety Sax over it. I'd bet Colts and Jaguars fans would love it. 

Most Absurd Collapses: Remember when I said that historically, the Chargers are unstoppable in December, and the Cowboys are usually the absolute nadir of suckitude in December? Well, I retract that because they've both been awful this December. Exhibit A: The Chargers, who handed the AFC West title to Kansas City by being torched by the 3-11 Bengals (sans Owens and Ochocinco on top of it), and Exhibit B: the Cowboys, who lost by a single point to Arizona and reportedly made Jerry Jones' head pop like a giant zit.

December Capitalism! Chargers tickets are about $200. From Amazon.com, you can get these Chargers cufflinks for about $50. They look very pretty, but do not give them to your little kids - they're a choking hazard!

To come in the next several days: Second and One's Top Ten hilarious football quotes of 2010.

And Now, A Few Thoughts on Bears-Vikes

I would have posted this yesterday, but I have returned home to my parents' house for the holidays, and most of Tuesday was spent waiting in airports for delayed flights. 

Here's a nice summary of the Bears' 40-14 romp over the Vikings. All pictures are from the AP (as in the news service, not Adrian Peterson), and the Chicago Tribune. 

I'm not going to lie. Considering the Bears got roasted like chestnuts the last time they played in a snow-globe, I was nervous as heck about this game, sitting in my boyfriend's apartment eating all sorts of cookies to steady my nerves.

And then, after the Vikings scored, came the sack heard around the world. Six-foot-six (and 270 lb) defensive end Corey Wootton may have very well ended Brett Favre's career last night with his first sack.

And from then on, it was pretty much all Bears. To quote the late Don Meredith: turn out the lights, the party's over.

Other than throwing a bogus interception after getting hit so hard he needed three stitches to his chin, Jay Cutler was terrific, throwing three touchdowns and completing passes to seven different receivers, including guys we haven't seen for a while, like Rashied Davis (nice to see you again, Rashied!).

Also: I have an idea. Since the NFL likes penalizing people for ridiculous things from "excessive celebration" to "disconcerting signals," and likes fining people for even dumber things, how about we fine any team that gets utterly torched by punting/kicking to Devin Hester? The penalty: sheer stupidity.

Of course, we can't neglect the defense. The Monsters of The Midway not only knocked Favre from the game, but had five turnovers, four sacks, three more QB hits, two batted balls, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10-4. See y'all in the playoffs, folks. 

Playoff Insanity

A break in the madness! (read as, "a weekend") Time to update!

Truly Special Special Teams: In a wild card game, down by seven and facing 4th and 4 on the Big Striped Cats' 24-yard line, the New York Who Turned On The Jets lined up for a 42 yard field goal, which Jay Feely made easily. A holding penalty then nullified the attempt, moving Feely back ten yards. The J-men then decided to try the fire-drill anyway, but a false start promptly blew the play dead. The Jets then punted. D'oh! In other news, after the punt, Rex Ryan promptly ate the two penalized linemen on the sidelines. 

That's a Penalty? In other Jets news, the Chargers lost, plagued by slop, error, and general bye-week-itis. The referees flagged the Dead Batteries for an offensive penalty, citing number 87 as the perpetrator. Said team did not have a number 87 playing that day, which the announcers were quick to point out. A technical non-penalty?

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During the Cowboys wild-card blowout beatdown good sport with the Eagles, a particularly good play to Cowboys rookie wideout Miles Austin was described as "Austin-tatious." Also, one announcer asked another "What do you call the play where you run around the end to the quarterback?" before pausing and quipping "I call it a sack." 

The Joke Writes Itself: Ravens-Patriots. I didn't see this game, but it can best be summarized by the following statement: "What do you call it when a team with no offense plays a team with no defense?" My buddy Eric, football fan and avid reader, stated the following answer rather dryly, "A nap." 

Ridiculously Sick Play of the Week: In the Saints' roasting reaming routing friendly contest with the Arizona Cardinals, Drew Brees faked a handoff to RB Pierre Thomas, who tossed the ball back to Brees, who bombed deep to Devery Henderson for 44 yards and the score. (fansided) The sleepwalking Redbirds were reduced to a pile of feathers and bad feelings by halftime. It's official: the Scoring Machines, if properly fueled, are unstoppable. In other news: water is wet, and you shouldn't eat too much pizza or you'll clog your arteries.

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: In the Cowboys-Eagles game, a whopping 228 penalty yards were committed between the two teams - an NFL postseason record. After yet another yellow flag flew, Cris Collinsworth mused, "Ed Hochuli and crew will go shopping for whistles tomorrow." 

Yes, this is a real product. Cowboys tickets: $150. The Cowboys umbrella: $35. Getting to see the Cowboys fold either way? Priceless. Source: Amazon.com

Who Doth Postpone the December Swoon? The Collapse-Boys are back! Up against the Vikings Front Four (who are probably better known as "The Purple People Eaters," or maybe "The Maul of America")* the Cowboys rolled over and died. The Land of 10,000 Sacks, well, sacked Tony Romo six times, on three of which he fumbled, and two of which he lost. Was Jessica Simpson up in the press box with Prince? (UPI) 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 1: On this past Sunday, January 17th, Bears DE Gaines Adams #99 passed away in his native state of South Carolina. A former star at Clemson and for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where he was the #4 draft pick in 2007), Adams reportedly died from cardiac arrest due to an enlarged heart. Drugs and/or foul play are not suspected. He was 26 years old, and was traded to the Bears early in the 2009 season, where he played in 10 games, including against the Lions. More can be read in the Chicago Tribune. 

Normally I don't think emoticons and symbols are proper for a blog journalistic endeavor such as this, but Second and One leaves a flower - Be at Peace, Gaines - Chicago hardly ever knew you. ~'~,~'~<@ 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 2: To add to the defensive line problems, Bears nose tackle/defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek, who has had more injuries than a child playing in traffic, was recently arrested and charged with a variety of unpleasant things, including battery, after a fight in Oklahoma (The Tribbie) No, Dusty! You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to assault people ON the field, not off it! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 3: In the wild-card Showdown at OK Corral between the Green Bay Packers and the Arizona (Later) Folded Like a House of Cards, an announcer remarked (as both teams took the field for overtime), "Good thing we're not playing by college rules, or this night might never end." 

This is all for now. Remember kids: Confucius says Bears who lose because of interception-happy QB are said to have been "deep sixed." 

*Other terms I've heard to refer to these four gentlemen: Purple Pain, Purple Reign, Third and Ouch, the Four Norseman of the Apocalypse, Shock and AWWE (for Allen, Williams, Williams, and Edwards)