No Reboot This Week

I don't have a terrible lot of time to write, as I woke up late and have been fighting some gross virus all week, so the second half of Kollege Kickoff will have to come later. It seems, however, this week, that nothing ridiculous happened to scramble up the BCS standings. Besides Iowa converting a last-second 4th and goal to avoid a major upset. To the MSU fans: that one was brutal. I'm so sorry. If you'd like me to send a nice floral arrangement and sympathy card, let me know.

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Another One Bites the Dust (Lite Version): In OT at Miami, the U kicked a field goal and the Hurricanes were feeling pretty confident. On Clemson's possession, the Tigers were 3rd and 11 and didn't quite know what to do. WR Jacoby Ford decided to take matters into his own hands and called the play, promising coach Dabo Sweeney that it would actually work. Well, his wish was granted by the football gods and it actually did work, giving the Tigers (who hadn't beat anyone ranked in their last nine attempts) the win in this ridiculously barn-burney game, in which there were twelve lead changes, seven turnovers, and a combined 77 points scored. Gosh, it's like a pie-eating contest in which everyone vomits at the end - except for Clemson. When asked about the game, Sweeney said "I have a birthday next month and I think I'm going to turn 50 instead of 40. We had to put on Superman capes." Second and One is currently trying to rent the Rosetta Stone to decipher exactly what Sweeney means. 

Why is it called hurricane season if you can't shoot them? Source: AP, Lynne Sladky.

Single Worst Series of the Season: Anyone can have a series on the field where absolutely nothing goes right, but it takes true talent to do it in a really hilarious fashion. The winner of this dubious award this season - so far - is the University of Michigan. On their way to a 25-point pasting by Penn State, the Now-Extinct Wolverines were backed up on their own 8-yard line. On the next play, Carlos Brown rushed for a loss of three yards, but there was a holding penalty on the offense. Penn State declined the penalty, figuring loss of down was worse than having to get out of your own end zone. Second and thirteen. False start on Michigan, half the distance to the goal. Second and fifteen, Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier throws an incomplete pass as he's nearly sacked. Third and fifteen. Just when it can't get any worse, Michigan is penalized for delay of game, and backs up another yard. And the cherry on top of this Sundae-O-Suck? QB and center weren't seeing eye-to-eye on the next play, and the football was snapped past Forcier and zoomed out the back of the end zone for a safety. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Twelve Apostles, and the New Orleans Saints! If there is a worse way to implode on your own goal line, I want to know about it, especially because Penn State then got the ball back and scored an instant touchdown. Nine points in thirteen seconds! Good grief!

While Michigan fans cheered "Beat State!", the PSU fans jeered "Eat Tate!" Not shown: MSU fans called "Late hit?!", and Illinois fans cried "Oh S#$%." Source: AP, Carlos Orsorio.

This comes during a long line of Michigan blunders this season. Turnovers are beginning to plague the team, especially by backup QB Denard Robinson. There are special teams problems - what team tries a faux punt on their own 16-yard-line? What team loses their star return man because he gets creamed by his own blocker while trying to signal fair catch? Not to mention the bad chemistry, the NCAA rules investigations, the personnel problems*, the defensive shortcomings, and what appears to be the complete lack of a secondary. Coach Rodriguez, what is going on?

Why Did You Do That? No, Seriously - Why Did You Do That? This category is won firmly by the head of my research group. The University Where I Work has a Football Team - as I've mentioned. Last week, this team pulled off quite the win after being mediocre since approximately forever. And the head of our group, frustrated over the team, scalped his tickets on the street for about 75% of what they were worth. "Oh, MC." He said to me on Monday. "I was tired of watching them commit suicide. Go figure, eh?" Fans - even though I may not practice what I preach - sometimes a little faith is good.

More later, including Florida's officiating crew kerfuffle. NFL picks for the week (note I am still too distraught to call a Bears game):

New England and Tampa Bay @ Wembley Stadium: The New England Patriots. In London. How's that for a throwback? Well, if there's a game to try and re-define what "football" means to European audiences, sadly, this one isn't it. Tampa Bay is still winless, and everyone and their dog saw last week just what the Pats can do to a winless team. Of course, it's a neutral location, and anything could happen, but I'm still picking Belichick and Co..

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh: If ever there were a potential trap game for Minnesota, this is it. Again, both teams are coming in with some scary momentum. The game is at Heinz Field and this may give the Steelers the advantage. However, this may again come down to offense vs. defense. Minnesota, like New Orleans, has a strong pass/run dual threat, but also has a defensive line that is terrifying to be up against. If Pittsburgh's O-line can keep Jared Allen out of Big Ben's face, the Vikes could very well be sent to Valhalla this afternoon. Pittsburgh also needs to concentrate on ball security (as they have 12 turnovers this season and this is no time to be coughin' it up). I really don't know who to pick, but since the Vikes are on a hot streak, I sadly have to pick them again. If I'm wrong, I will gladly admit that I am wrong, because this one could truly go either way.

Indianapolis @ St. Louis: Although the Colts' run defense looks a little porous lately, and Steven Jackson could give them heck n' damnation all afternoon as he leads the league in yards from scrimmage, the Indy Colts are 48-7 since 2004 when Manning has at least two TDs, and certainly carry some undefeated inertia here! Amongst other things one can expect to see today: the Rams fumbling at least thrice, Austin Collie having at least 100 yards receiving, and Caldwell tying Steve Spagnuolo to the goalpost while Donald Brown and Joseph Addai take turns beating him with the down markers. Indianapolis.

That's all for now. Remember kids: If you've committed a late hit on the Ravens, Cardinals, or Falcons, you'll get flagged for a personal fowl.

*A representative example: earlier this season, I watched my friend's cousin, decked out in full Wolverine regalia, jump up and yell "Why is the tight end fifty yards downfield?!" at his television.