Finally Unloading My Collection of Stuff

Ok. Today is the day when every random football-related comment I've saved on my computer makes its way up here, because I am home with a cold and have nothing better to do because it is 50 ˚F and raining outside. Without further ado...

Another One Bites The Dust, and I mean, Really Bites It: On Saturday, the #1, #5, #10, #19, #22, 23, and 24-ranked teams all lost - to teams ranked lower or to unranked teams. The smallest margin of defeat, one point, was the upset of #24. The largest, 13 points, the upset of #1. I don't even think they will even get the famed BCS computer to run for a day without bursting into flames at the rate we're going. Updated BCS standings can be found here. (ESPN) 

Bonus Statistic: The Indianapolis Colts' away record is better than every other NFL team's home record - except for the Patriots. 

Amusing Announcing: During the Bears' ugly loss to the Giants in week 4, after Jay Cutler was sacked yet another time, NBC Announcer Al Michaels quipped, "someone put a tent over this circus, this is unbelievable." I laughed for ten minutes.

Graduates of the Bill Belichick* School of Opponent Demoralization, Masters' Degree Edition: On Saturday, Boise State, Oklahoma, and Texas Christian (#3, 4, and 6, with a combined record of 19-0), won by a combined score of 131...to a total of three points scored by opponents with a combined record of 6-15. The valedictorian of the week: the Division I-AA Jacksonville Dolphins, who beat the Valparaiso Crusaders by an astonishing 86-7, in a game where Jacksonville actually lost the time of possession battle by about three minutes. Eighty-six to freaking' seven! Highlights of the game include touchdowns from two interception returns and a blocked punt. Jax's only mistake: missing their last PAT. Apparently these guys are repeat offenders - 35 is the fewest points they've scored all season.

Apparently, Jacksonville thinks they're a high school team running the A-11 No-Punt Offense, and Valpo thinks it's basketball season. Source: Jacksonville.com

More Amusing Announcing: During MNF's Fastest Three Minutes, Chris "Boomer" Berman referred to Steelers WR Mike Wallace as "The Sixty Minute Man" after the news commentator with the same name. Magnifico!

Dumb, Daft Defenses: Oh, Minnesota. Nothing stings like starting 1-6. On Saturday against purdue, while down 14-0 against the Purdue Boilermakers, Gophers' LB Gary Tinsley intercepted a botched wideout screen and was in position for a pick-6. As he dived and stretched his arms out to push the ball over the goal line, the ball squirted out of his hands and knocked over the pylon. The fumble was ruled a touchback, Purdue got the ball on the Minnesota 20-yard line and made the game 21-0, and Minnesota's coach (Tim Brewster) actually got fired the day after. D'oh. I will here use my significant other's rule for show-offy defenders: "just fall on it, jackass!"

Loony Bonus College Statistic: Until Saturday, Nebraska and Nevada were the only teams that, this season, have never trailed at any point during a game. Nebraska had never been in a tie at any point during a game, except for starting 0-0. Both teams were subsequently upset by unranked teams. 

Crappy Commentating: A friend of mine remarked on Facebook that he wanted to "punch Cris Collinsworth." I'm pretty sure this was the reason: on Sunday night, the commentator animatedly described the day's head injuries (complete with video of Eagles WR DeSean Jackson getting literally knocked out of the game). His emphasis seemed placed on the sensationalism of it all. This sort of violence is not sensational or funny. I like to regurgitate a Wayne Gretzky quote when I watch/hear things like this: "Why must the best shot in the game be on someone's nose instead of in someone's net?" These are serious injuries that, although rarely, can have life-threatening consequences. Such as is the case for Rutgers DT Eric LeGrand, who suffered a spinal cord injury in a helmet-to-helmet hit on a punt return and may be paralyzed from the neck down. (Larry Brown Sports) Come on, announcers. Grow up and realize the gravity of the situation, will you? You can see the video of the tackle that injured LeGrand at the link above, but it is rather cringe-worthy and I don't recommend it. We here at Second and One wish the best for LeGrand and his family.

Really Goofus Bonus NFL Statistics: In the NFC North, the Packers have lost two games in overtime and three by three points this season. In the two most recent games that Jay Cutler has played, he has been sacked fifteen times. The current point leaders in the NFC North: The Detroit Lions, who have also allowed the fewest sacks out of the entire division. The San Diego Chargers lead the statistical categories of pass yards per game, total offensive yards per game, total yards allowed per game, and pass yards allowed per game. They are currently 2-4. The Dallas Cowboys are also in the top five in these categories. They are 1-4. If anyone can give me a concise reason why these two teams are a combined 3-8, I'll be sure the Nobel Committee calls you tomorrow. Not a whole lot makes sense in the NFL right now.

No! We're the worse team! No, we are! Source: images.morris.com

I've Waited More Than a Year To say This, but...Don't Kick To Devin Hester!!: After a lackluster 2009 season on special teams, people thought Chicago WR/punt returner Devin Hester had lost his magic. Until, of course, 2010. Thus far, he's run back two for touchdowns this season, including in the Bears' dramatic upset of the Packers. If I were a special teams coach, I would tell my kicker to swallow the football before I'd tell him to kick to Devin Hester.

Amusing Announcing, "Because I'm Twelve" Edition: During a college game, the following comment was made about a player: "Every time he holds the ball, he finishes." I'm not saying anything else because my foot is dangerously close to my mouth already. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: So I officially hate my perma-screwed, uber-deep fantasy league. I think our waiver system is horse puckey. I think our defensive scoring rubric makes less sense than NCAA recruiting rules. I think our scoring predictor has a lower success rate than monkeys throwing darts at a board. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are at 1-5. I'm getting decked harder than whoever is unfortunate enough to line up opposite Cortland Finnegan every Sunday.** No matter who I start at running back or wide receiver, they always do absolutely nothing. Things like the Randy Moss trade, Demaryius Thomas' neck injury, and the very existence of LaDainian Tomlinson don't help, either. In order for my team to have a fighting chance, I need the Cards' O-line to learn how to block, for Ryan Mathews, Brandon Jackson, and Braylon Edwards to all break their feet at the same time, for every member of KC's receiving corps except for Dwayne Bowe to come down with leprosy, and for every defense in the league to forget Dallas Clark exists. Subtle irony: the one week I did win, I won because someone else started the wrong tight end for once. I can't talk about this any more. 

Whatever this thing is, I can guarantee that my fantasy football team currently blows harder than it ever could. Source, aoc.gov

Life Imitates Art, Which Imitates The Saints (Truly Special Special Teams): In week five, both the St. Louis Rams (on a 2-win streak) and the Kansas City Chiefs (on a 4-win streak) opted to begin their games with an onside kick. Both attempts failed. Both teams lost (and the former, horribly) Ugh.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Say what you will about Jaguars-Titans tonight. Here's what I have to say:

Will the Jaguars keep playing like dolts

Or will the Titans look worse than the 'Bolts?

Let me open my mouth

About the AFC South

They've all look'd bad - even the Colts.

And we conclude with our latest installment of Football Foods. I came up with this delicious meatloaf burger recipe while trying to figure out what to do with the pound of ground beef that boyfriend had in his freezer, all while watching Iowa beat up Michigan on Saturday:

BCS Buster Burgers:

1 lb ground beef

1 egg, lightly beaten like Florida on Saturday

1/4-1/3 cup bread crumbs

1 tbsp ketchup

1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1/8 tsp salt

1/8 tsp black pepper

1/8 tsp garlic powder

pinch of cayenne pepper (as, like former Oregon Duck LeGarrette Blount did, it gives a little extra punch)

Combine ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Mix with your hands to be sure everything is well-incorporated. Shape into patties and broil or grill to your desired degree of doneness (although I don't take responsibility if you get food poisoning and throw up all over yourself like Michigan seems to do every week). Top with your favorite fixins' and serve on buns. This recipe serves 2-3. 

Remember kids: if you think turnovers are what you order for dessert at Arby's, you shouldn't be playing linebacker.

*I just realize I have been spelling Belichick's name as "Belicheck" for the past five weeks. Oops. I guess he's the Toby Gerhart of this season: I didn't get his name right until week 13 of last year, just in time for the Heisman balloting.

**For those who don't get the joke, Finnegan has received three consecutive fines from the league for unnecessary roughness or something like that, and every player on Denver's offense is crying for a pound of his flesh. You can Google it if you really want to read about the drama (complete with Chuck Cecil's middle finger).

mmm, Saturday!

I'm updating this time from my boyfriend's apartment, because my TV gives me this message that I need a new digital cable adapter to watch anything that's not network TV. A lot of fun college games today, including Texas knocking off #5 Nebraska and Michigan repeating last year's performance against Iowa (even though Iowa hasn't won in Ann Arbor since something like, the year we dropped the bomb on Japan). Also, Wisconsin just ran back the opening kickoff against #1 OSU. The Big10/11/12 is getting mixed up again. The current surprise of these rankings? Purdue, ranked 4th. Not too bad, considering the Boilermakers were expected to be the doormat of the conference and they currently run a weird, run-heavy franken-offense assembled from Gatorade, Ralph Bolden's torn knee ligaments, and Joe Tiller's old shoe. 

Also: Arkansas-Auburn have, thus far, scored a combined total of 108 points. Jeez, anyone who took the under on total scoring in this game got hosed (not like I bet on football or anything*).

Today's picture of the day is perhaps one of the worst and most hilarious goofs ever committed when writing a headline about the NFL. And, of course, it involves the Titans. (c/o Failblog)

They said Chris Johnson had good hands, but I had no idea. The last (offending) word, about an hour ago, was conveniently changed to "cornerback." 

More to come later.

*I don't. Really. 

The Joke Writes Itself...We Just Don't Know The Punchline

Ah, I'm back. Had to go to a Big Italian Wedding in Chicago this weekend (the bride was my aunt) - complete with rooms full of Bears fans, a Catholic mass, pasta, toasts in Italian, and at least one person sitting on a cannoli. The downside: lousy wireless reception in church, so I'm a bit out of touch with the college scores right now. We'll correct for these technical difficulties in the coming days.

First, this story came to me today. (ESPN New York) A volunteer football coach at a high school has been banned from coaching because (following a spat with safety officers and referees over a botched fumble call) he apparently pulled down his shorts and mooned the opposing team's fans. Additionally, the bad call also caused a shoving match that resulted in the ejection of both head coaches. The two schools in the game boast the funniest names of any high schools in the world: Boys and Girls High and Campus Magnet (the latter won 16-6). Unfortunately, we've already gone over every joke that could possibly be related to nudity and football* so there isn't much to be said beyond that I hope the whole thing winds up up on Friday Night Lights at some point in the future, and that I think I'm going to do this to my television the next time the Bears find themselves on the, er, wrong end of a BS call.

...Stay tuned, folks.

*Offender is the "butt of everyone's jokes", play is a naked reverse, every pun on "tight end" and "defensive end" known to man, offense lost their shirt, defense lost their pants, etc.

Talk About Busted Coverage

This suitably disturbing story came to me this afternoon. (NCAA Fanhouse) Apparently, there's more trouble out in Oregon, only this time, with Oregon State. On early Sunday morning, police in Corvallis, Oregon received a call from a woman who reported a young man was trespassing in the second floor of her home. The young man in question? Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas, who was drunk out of his skull and wearing nothing but, uh, his birthday jersey. When authorities arrived, Thomas reportedly assumed a three-point stance and charged the cops. He was subsequently charged with a taser, (and with trespassing, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest), and booted from the football team. 

The only way this could have possibly been funnier is if the guy were a tight end. 

Videospam!

Two questions stemming from yesterday's games:

1. What, at 0:07 into this video, is Aaron Rodgers doing in his touchdown celebration? (NFL, click on Rodgers Runs It In.)

a) Showing off his, erm, rushing ability to the fans;

b) Metaphorically saying he's "belting" the Steelers;

c) Solstice-appropriate fertility ritual;

d) Let's do the time warp again...

2. What, exactly, is the best headline for what happened to Raiders' defensive tackle Tommy Kelly? (Youtube)

a) Denver lost their shirt, Oakland lost their pants;

b) The Raiders haven't seen a you-know-what this big since Jon Gruden was coach;

c) Poor coverage;

d) Tommy, that's Devin Hester on line two; 

e) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Rear;

f) At least he's not the defensive end.

More to come...

Happy Thanksgiving!

There will be no posting for the remainder of the week due to the long weekend. Ahh, Thanksgiving. Food, family, friends, football! So, as everything this week is supposed to be tasty, I present some bite-sized bullets.

Another One Bites The Dust: LSU (#8), Wisconsin (#16), and Stanford (#17) all lost - by a combined 10 points. Gee golly Jeepers, some people are angry now!

And for Dessert...: Against teams with a combined record of 22-33, Florida (#1), Alabama (#2), Texas (#3), TCU (#4), and Boise State (#6) won - by a combined 201 points. Why are we having cupcake week at the end of November, again? 

Does it Get Any More Perfect?: There are 21 seniors playing for the schizophrenic Purdue Boilermakers. On Saturday, senior QB Joey Elliot's last pass as a Boilermaker was a touchdown. Senior CB David Pender's last play was a fumble recovery. Both of these plays came against school arch-rival IU in a heavily anticipated trophy match. Needless to say, Purdue won, ended on a high note, and left IU's colors crimson and creamed. Fun Fact: this season, the Boilermakers were 21 points away from being 10-2 instead of 5-7. 

Against the Purdue Bipolar Patients, the Indiana Loosiers kicked the bucket yet again. Source: AP, Tom Strattman.

Amusing Announcing, Part the First: At the start of said Purdue/IU contest, Big Ten Network announcers boldly declared that said rivalry had "spanned three centuries." Second and One deftly notes that Indiana University was founded in 1820, and Purdue University in 1869. As further research indicates that the term "Boilermaker" was first used (in connection with Purdue football) in 1889, the rivalry is at most about 120 years old. Please, announcers! Read the history books before openin' yer traps!

Does it Get Any More Sour?: The Michigan State Spartans, who are bowl-eligible yet again, lost last week by 28 points to out-of-state rival Penn State, who keeps the Land Grant Trophy and moves towards a possible BCS bowl bid. The Detroit News now announces that two Spartan players, RB Glenn Winston and FS Roderick Jenrette, have been dismissed from the team for violating team rules, possibly related to a gigantic brawl on MSU's campus that followed a frat party. (Detroit News) This is Winston's second run-in with the law, the first coming in fall of 2008. Winston and Jenrette - You are, as ESPN might say, the Turkeys of the Year.

Fresh from the Bakery, Delicious Thanksgiving Edition: Against Ohio State, Michigan Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier began the game by fumbling in his own end zone - and it just got worse. Forcier threw four interceptions on Saturday afternoon, and spent most of the day sulking on the bench and watching the Michigan defense chasing Terrelle Pryor around the field. Coach Rodriguez, what the heck's happened to Michigan?!

Truly Special Special Teams: With about six minutes left, after two incomplete passes by Vince Young, the Tennessee Not-So-Burnt-Toast lined up to punt the ball back to Houston...or did they? The ensuing fake and run gained the first down, but not before the punting unit was called late for delay of game. End result: a real punt. D'oh! 

Nice Play From the Backfield: In the depressing Bears-Eagles contest, Chicago WR Devin Hester dived for a ball overthrown by Jay Cutler. Eagles corner Asante Samuel reached out to stop him, and instead grabbed the waistband of Hester's pants from behind, revealing his - how should I put this - better assets (TV by the numbers. Warning: Not Safe For Work!) Other headlines Second and One considered for the uniform malfunction: The Play Was a Naked Reverse, Bears are Butt of Everyone's Jokes, Ass Interference, Bare Down, Full Moon Over Soldier Field, and the obligatory Chicago Unveils New Tight End. 

Amusing Announcing, Part the Second: During Monday Night Football's Fastest Three Minutes, ESPN's Chris Berman referred to the Kansas City Chiefs as "the killer tomato cans." Would this make the upset Steelers, then, effectively canned?

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: For the second time this season, Houston Texans kicker Kris Brown missed a game-tying field goal. The first time was against Indianapolis. Fun Fact: In both games, the final score was 20-17. Statistic O' Suckage: Despite existing for 8 years, the Houston Cattle Ranch has never made a postseason appearance, and has never had a winning season.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford!  Against Cleveland, Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford won the game by throwing a touchdown pass, on an untimed down, with the clock at 00.00, while injured and in obvious pain! On the day, Stafford's pass completion percentage was about 60.5%, but he threw for 422 yards, 5 TDs, and 2 interceptions. Not bad for a 21-year-old in Detroit these days.

Who would have thought that the most exciting game of the week would come between two teams with a combined record of 2-16? Source: Bleacherreport, Joe Robbins, Getty Images.

Amusing Announcing, Part the Third: The Now-Extinct Wolverines' Daryl Stonum lined up deep to return a punt with five minutes remaining before intermission, and was promptly cold-clocked by OSU's coverage team. "He really did stone 'em." Remarked the announcer. 

Obligatory (Long) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Aaron Rodgers buried the 49ers. Sidney Rice caught two touchdown passes. Wes Welker had more receiving yards than the Jets' entire receiving corps. Your Highness Addai-ness had a power-rush TD against a confused Ravens' D. End result: A fourth consecutive nucleophilic attack by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One!* Sour spot: My entire lineup was my optimal lineup. This has never happened. This last week, absolutely everything would have been perfect - but everyone reading this knows exactly where I went wrong. The Bears had (starter) Celek's number**, while Shiancoe went off like a bucket full of fireworks in a hot car. I am now personally going to petition Roger Goodell (I'd assume he's the commissioner of fantasy football as well) - to remove the tight end option from fantasy lineups altogether, as this is the only way I'll ever get it right.

And that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoys the respite the holiday weekend provides.

*In organic chemistry, reactions that involve multiple nucleophilic attacks (or really any attacks or events, usually as a lynchpin to assembly of some ugly molecule) are called cascades.

**It's 87, for everyone else.