This is not a good week.

First, I have to apologize for the sore lack of updating around here. I seem to have completely forgotten that this blog exists, neglecting it in a corner just days after Second and One's second anniversary. I'm so busy now: in addition to having to do chemistry, I have to teach it as well.

Truth be told, the NFC Championship game, as respectably as it ended for both teams, doesn't make me feel very good. Not because the Bears lost to a good team, but because of how much anti-Bears invective has been swirling around. Not just now, but all season long. Who cares of they honked out in the preseason? Who cares how sloppily they played at times? They still beat some tough rivals and lost by only seven in the NFC Championship game, and I think the hate needs to stop at the door of the postseason, especially for a team that got further than the Patriots. So, time for me to put this into pictorial form, lest I go into a Long, Persecuted Bears Fan rant. Inspired by a similar game for the Indianapolis Colts, it's...Bears Hate Bingo!

Nonetheless, despite the disappointing outcome, it was nice to see that the Bears aren't total toast at the QB position, and it was nice to see Brian Urlacher and Matt Forte absolutely play their hearts out. Thanks for the memories, Bears. It was a long, nauseatingly up-and-down but wildly pleasant season with an anticlimactic whimper of an ending.

Even after that, I still love you guys; I always will.

A Thriller in the Chiller!

Also known as "MC and Dad's Annual Bears-Related Heart Attack." 

I will never stop saying this. It happens every year. I come home for Christmas, plop myself in our den/TV room wearing all sorts of Bears gear (this year, a brand new Bears hoodie that I got as a Christmas gift over my Devin Hester jersey), and the game we watch damn near kills us. Sometimes, it gets so bad, that I think my mom and sister leave the house/move to a distant part of it intentionally so that they don't need to hear my dad and I going utterly ballistic for three hours.

Ok. So here's what was so logic-defying about this game. We've got the #8 defense in the league (Bears) meeting the #5 defense in the league (Jets). Put these two teams out in extreme cold and snow and make them play on turf that's probably worse than frosted kitty litter. And what do you get?

A 38-34 shootout, of course! I thought it would be a Bears blowout when the Bears scored 10 points easily. Then I thought it would be a Jets blowout when the Jets scored 24 in the second quarter and the Bears looked like they couldn't remember if they put their underwear on backwards or not. The Bears went into the locker room down by seven. And then came the third quarter, a scoring frenzy of positively epic proportions in which the Bears staged a furious comeback and Jay Cutler threw three touchdowns in like, eight minutes and positively hung the Jets' secondary out to dry. 

It was like they took uppers at halftime, or entered a barbarian-esque berserker phase, or sold their souls, or borrowed the Scoring Machine from the University of Oregon or maybe the Saints. It was like watching someone who is really good at Madden 11 beat someone who is abysmal at the same game. I've never seen anything quite like it. The Bears' offense under Mike Martz has been struggling to find an identity all year as Martz has been experimenting with the playbook (sometimes with disastrous results), but I like the recent incarnations, in which the Bears' prime goal is to score in a manner as quickly and precisely as possible. Cutler was great, Knox was sensational, Hester was magical, Forte was tough as nails, Olsen threw some tremendous blocks, and the O-line even held pretty well. 

The Bears have now scored 78 points in two games in which the defenses ran circles around themselves trying to contain Cutler and Crew. Had Robbie Gould not missed his field goal, it would've been the first time the Bears have posted back-to-back 40-pointers since 1948. I call this the "Bat-out-of-Hell" offense. Here's a picture of what the Bears' offense looked like yesterday.

All we need now are a couple of 5'9" receivers and for Lovie Smith to cut the sleeves off his sweatshirts. Source: Getty images, Mike Zarrilli.

By contrast, here's a picture of what the Bears' defense looked like yesterday for most of the game.

Where "you" equals "giving up a gerjillion yards against the slant by playing ten yards off the ball. 

Until the end, of course. The fourth quarter was one of those quarters that was such a nail-biter that I nearly chewed off the first digits of several fingers. I'll skip past a couple of the intermediaries and cut to the positively stunning conclusion. Mark Sanchez had the ball with about a buck left on the clock, no timeouts, and the Bears jumped offsides. He found what he thought was a wide-open Santonio Holmes streaking down the sidelines, but at the last minute, Chicago safety Chris Harris flew in front of him to make the game-icing interception. 

Ok. 11-4, folks. I'm generally a pretty big Bears skeptic, but I'm starting to believe in this Martz-Cutler chemistry stuff, and a picture of the two of them now serves as the background of my iPhone. 

And here are a few other observations from yesterday.

Best Way to Get Into the Playoffs: Even though the Jest, erm, Jets lost yesterday, Jacksonville lost in overtime and sent the Jets to the postseason again anyway! They were allegedly cheering in the post-game press-conference when they heard the Jaguars blew it. Ok. I don't understand how the tiebreaker system works. I understand a lot of things about football, but I don't understand this complicated equation involving strength of victory and schedule difficulty and who beat whose division rival. Truth be told, my actual desire to know about how playoff seeding works is on par with the desire to ask Rex Ryan for a foot massage.

Worst Way to Get Knocked Out of The Playoffs: The St. Louis Rams finally pounded any postseason hopes out of utterly dysfunctional San Francisco 49ers. As a result, eccentric coach Mike Singletary was shown the door approximately thirty seconds after the game. A defensive coach with a funny name that I don't remember takes over as interim. So not only do the 49ers look ridiculous in the way they've played, but the brass of the organization looks equally ridiculous in firing the coach in week 15 out of 16. 

Worst Way to Get Literally Knocked Out of the Playoffs: During the Chiefs' stomping of the sleepwalking Titans, Tennessee QB Kerry Collins faced heavy pressure and threw the ball away, where it sailed to the sidelines and hit his own defensive end (William Hayes) in the head and knocked him out of the game with a concussion. (NFL.com) Head coach Jeff Fisher uttered my sentiment exactly, italics mine; "That's kind of how the game went." I kind of want to make a video mashup of the Titans' 2010 miscues and bloopers and dub Yakety Sax over it. I'd bet Colts and Jaguars fans would love it. 

Most Absurd Collapses: Remember when I said that historically, the Chargers are unstoppable in December, and the Cowboys are usually the absolute nadir of suckitude in December? Well, I retract that because they've both been awful this December. Exhibit A: The Chargers, who handed the AFC West title to Kansas City by being torched by the 3-11 Bengals (sans Owens and Ochocinco on top of it), and Exhibit B: the Cowboys, who lost by a single point to Arizona and reportedly made Jerry Jones' head pop like a giant zit.

December Capitalism! Chargers tickets are about $200. From Amazon.com, you can get these Chargers cufflinks for about $50. They look very pretty, but do not give them to your little kids - they're a choking hazard!

To come in the next several days: Second and One's Top Ten hilarious football quotes of 2010.

And Now, A Few Thoughts on Bears-Vikes

I would have posted this yesterday, but I have returned home to my parents' house for the holidays, and most of Tuesday was spent waiting in airports for delayed flights. 

Here's a nice summary of the Bears' 40-14 romp over the Vikings. All pictures are from the AP (as in the news service, not Adrian Peterson), and the Chicago Tribune. 

I'm not going to lie. Considering the Bears got roasted like chestnuts the last time they played in a snow-globe, I was nervous as heck about this game, sitting in my boyfriend's apartment eating all sorts of cookies to steady my nerves.

And then, after the Vikings scored, came the sack heard around the world. Six-foot-six (and 270 lb) defensive end Corey Wootton may have very well ended Brett Favre's career last night with his first sack.

And from then on, it was pretty much all Bears. To quote the late Don Meredith: turn out the lights, the party's over.

Other than throwing a bogus interception after getting hit so hard he needed three stitches to his chin, Jay Cutler was terrific, throwing three touchdowns and completing passes to seven different receivers, including guys we haven't seen for a while, like Rashied Davis (nice to see you again, Rashied!).

Also: I have an idea. Since the NFL likes penalizing people for ridiculous things from "excessive celebration" to "disconcerting signals," and likes fining people for even dumber things, how about we fine any team that gets utterly torched by punting/kicking to Devin Hester? The penalty: sheer stupidity.

Of course, we can't neglect the defense. The Monsters of The Midway not only knocked Favre from the game, but had five turnovers, four sacks, three more QB hits, two batted balls, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10-4. See y'all in the playoffs, folks. 

Ten Questions for The Bears

What a lousy football weekend. Both the BCS and the NFL make no sense right now. My fantasy team is playing against someone who doesn't have a quarterback - and they are still struggling. My favorite college team got Belichicked*. I didn't even watch it, and instead, boyfriend and I ran through a corn maze and picked pumpkins. So I felt ok. 

And then I saw the Bears game. Trying to find out what's wrong with the Bears right now seems like it would require a team of therapists, a room full of couches, and a costly government grant to fund the whole thing, but I'll try and offer a surrogate. Let's pretend I'm in a press conference with Lovie Smith and Co., wearing my best power-suit and a press pass in my hat. Here are the questions in my note-pad. A lot of this may seem intuitive, but with the five collective brain cells in the Bears organization, I'm not even sure they understand intuition.

1. Why do your receivers continuously show poor field awareness and low football IQ? As much as I'd like to stop being a Jay Cutler apologist, I can't help but put stick some of the blame on his receivers. Yes, if a quarterback is a reckless gunslinger who chucks the football wherever he damn well pleases, the soup will hit the fan eventually just due to the law of averages. But if a receiver fails to run his route, hesitates in his route, or just isn't paying attention to who is covering him (and what said gentleman is doing), what can be done? 

2. Why did you go through all of this work to acquire a jumbo-sized tight end from San Diego if he can't catch a ball and has the blocking ability of a folding chair? I'm talking about you, Brandon Manumaleuna. Five yards receiving all season? I don't like it. 

3. Chester Taylor showed he can run today. Why, instead of sharing carries with Matt Forte, does Taylor stand on the sidelines and pick his nose the other 97% of the time? He had 6.7 yards per carry today. Why aren't the Bears getting their money's worth if they can block for him like this? Having two running backs trading carries (think Greene and Tomlinson, Mathews and Tolbert, or Wells and Hightower) is just good strategy as it confuses defenses and reduces the risk of injury. If Forte is still alive at the end of this season after being rammed into the line with the aplomb of one chopping up a stump, I won't be the only one surprised.

4. Why does Mike Martz hate Greg Olsen? Why does Olsen have one game where he's doing something every snap and then two games where he's held without a catch? I can partially answer this myself. Typically, tight ends in Martz's scheme get relegated to blocking roles. We get it. Olsen is not incredibly big and, suffice it to say, not a strong blocker. He does, however, have pretty good hands, especially in the red zone (or, historically, anyway). Still, when the Bears find themselves on their opponents' 20, where is Olsen, doing Sudoku on the bench? 

Dear Mr. Martz: Why are you breaking up this bromance? Source: don't remember, nice picture.

5. Why has Julius Peppers seemed thoroughly disinterested in the game since the Bears played in Carolina? Let me re-phrase the question. Assuming that Peppers isn't missing his days with the Cardiac Cats, why is it that the only defenders who consistently show up to play are Israel Idonije, Brian Urlacher, and D.J. Moore, whoever he is? 

6. If DeAngelo Hall had Jay Cutler's number (it's "six", by the way), why did Cutler even try to throw to receivers covered by said cornerback? One of the simplest rules of playing the QB position is knowing when to throw the ball and when to, well, not throw it. What does a quarterback gain by showing off his arm strength forcing a ball into coverage besides making people think he's a blithering idiot when the defense comes up with the pick? Run some multiple wideout formations to fake out zone coverage, and if nobody is open, either run or throw the rock away.

7. Why are you huddling when you're in two-minute-drill mentality? If you're down by any number of points and it's just before the half, what's the point of standing around and sucking wind (and sucking away your team's momentum) while the clock's-a-ticking?

Can you spot Jay Cutler's new #1 target? Hint: He's not wearing the number thirteen. Source: Scott Strazzante, Chicago Tribune

8. When the Bears are on the one-yard-line, why can't they score? How many times has this happened now, where the Bears have been in an incredibly short-yardage situation (where any other team would be all but guaranteed points), and they either commit a turnover or are forced to settle for three? Why aren't they trying everything? Try everything. Have the quarterback tuck the ball and run. Try a draw play. Run a four tight-end set. Have a lineman report as eligible. Try some play-action and scatter that secondary! Pump-fake. Wildcat. Fake field goal. With as many permutations as there are for offensive play sets, something has to work. Hell, let's hire Sherm Lewis and have him turn the offensive play-calling into a bingo game, while we're at it.

9. What, psychologically, happens to the Bears at halftime to make them unable to score in the third quarter? The Bears have not scored in the third quarter this entire season - and no other NFL team has been held scoreless an entire quarter! So why is this? Why not shoot out the scoreboard and pretend it's the first quarter? Light some aromatherapy candles, blow in some paper bags, and calm down. 

10. Do you really think you can fix this offensive line? No matter how many combinations the Bears run up front, nothing's ever changing. In the last three games he has played, Jay Cutler has been sacked nineteen times. This line is an undisciplined, lopsided, witless, amorphous pile of silly putty, and either people should start getting activated from the practice squad, or people should start getting fired.

More news later. I hope.

*Yeah. I used it as a verb. Sue me. A "Belichicking" is any game in which you lose by more than 45. 

Title Says it All

Our cartoon for the week. Click the pic for the high-res version.

Anyone see the game last night?

I think it's very, very safe to say that I've been the #2 panel for the past 24 hours, and with any misfortune (or maybe luck, depending on whose side you're on) will be for the next 24. Good grief almighty. It's great that the Bears are 3-0, but this cannot possibly be good for my health. 

I feel a bit under the weather. Piles of statistics and other such stuff tomorrow.

Bears vs. Lions - The Sequel!

My annual Bears trip to Chicago was interesting, to say the very least. 

Originally, my Lions fan better half had booked us two tickets into the city on an early train. We got up at some obscenely early time to get to the station, only to find out that the train would be arriving more than 90 minutes late because the engine had died somewhere near Indianapolis. So, after a brief arm-flailing freakout, we did as any two football nuts would do: we got in the car and plowed through the cornfields at Kamikaze speed (he drove 80+ MPH and I provided directions) and we arrived in Chicago a little after 9 AM CMT. We had a leisurely walk through Grant Park and arrived at Soldier Field, where the guards weren't admitting anyone until 10AM. D'oh.

Built in 1922 and renovated in 2003, Soldier Field currently boasts the smallest stadium capacity of the NFL at 61,500 people. Despite this, the place is very very big, and we had at least two hours of exploring prior to kickoff. Out on the turf, the Bears (and a few Lions) were practicing. We visited a few of the landmarks, including the Colonnades and the Bears Den, where the floor is painted to look like a football field and one can watch Brian Urlacher being interviewed on eighteen separate televisions. People were milling around in Bears gear, looking at display cases of vintage uniforms. 

Colts kickoff-coverage fail, now captured in gigantic mural form. 

Cornerback Charles "Peanut" Tillman works out 90 minutes before kickoff.

As always, I plunked down an arm/leg/first born for United Club seats, and this year's real estate - Section 313 - was prime lakefront property, with a complete, unobstructed view of the field.

The only problem with this property is that later in the game, the sun came out, it got hot, and my SO got so sunburnt that he could have played for the Redskins.

Here's another interesting fact. The Chicago Bears do not have cheerleaders (the management felt that it was "not an acceptable part of game-day experience") and haven't since the 1970s-80s when they fielded a squad called the "Honey Bears." Instead, they have a drumline - a bunch of guys who come out at the beginning of the game and at halftime and make as much noise as possible without actually being annoying. 

I think it's some kind of Jungian psychology: We are going to beat these drums just like the team will beat the opponents.

I had my sunglasses and my drink. Someone from the Chicago Blackhawks sang the national anthem. At last it came to a head. The stands finally filled, the teams lined up, and Robbie Gould booted the rock into the clear September sky...

...And then the Bears' offense proceeded to look as schizophrenic as I've ever seen them. I've seen offenses score 40 points one week and 3 the next, but the stat line for this game was completely ridiculous. Here are some statistics:

-The Lions (as to be expected?) were powerless to do anything (save a few burps, the defense played quite well, including LB's Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher, who made seventeen tackles between them) and the visitors were held to 168 yards on the day. 

A relaxed Lions secondary stands around on the field. Accurately, this is an adequate description of what they did during the game as well.

-The Bears punted, not once, not twice, not thrice, not four times, but five times - while in Detroit territory. Who punts from their opponent's 38-yard line? I'd try a 60-yard field goal before I'd punt. I can't talk about this anymore. I'm going to have nightmares about this for at least six months.

-The Bears had 463 total yards of offense and gained 6.6 yards per offensive play...and only scored 19 points, due to the four turnovers and 100 yards of penalties. I was starting to wonder whether the Baltimore Ravens had put on Bears' jerseys or if it was some kind of cosmic joke. 

-Before the half, the Bears scored 10 points in 90 seconds. It doesn't beat the record for furious scoring that I've seen (Purdue vs. Michigan in 2009, where the former scored 14 points in nine seconds with a surprise onside kick) - but it was awfully pretty. Was this Mike Martz's actual offense or just a complete meltdown by Detroit?

-Completely awesome play of the day: In the 4th quarter, Jay Cutler sent three receivers and a tight end streaking downfield and to the right to boggle the Lions' safeties. As a result, RB Matt Forte took off down the left sideline uncovered, save only a linebacker huffing and puffing away behind him - touchdown. They went on to whiff the 2-point conversion, but I must ask this. Was this Mike Martz's actual offense or just the stars aligning properly?

This wagon is covered: why wasn't Matt Forte? Source: Ancestry.com

-Completely disastrous play of the day: With 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter, Lions backup QB Shaun Hill was drilled by LB Lance Briggs, upon which he fumbled, giving the Bears the ball on approximately the 1-foot line. At this point in the game, the Bears were down by one point and absolutely needed to score. They needed to move the ball approximately 20 picometers to score. The result: No gain, incompletion, no gain, no gain. Jiminy Freakin' Christmas.

-Also: I'm thoroughly convinced that the Bears have Matthew Stafford's number. Twice, in person, I have seen Stafford get pounded out of the game by the D-line. Last year, DE Adewale Ogunleye bent Stafford's knee in a way that knees are not meant to bend, and this year, DE Julius Peppers apparently attempted to rip Stafford's arm out of the socket because his shoulder is now reportedly separated.

After the Forte touchdown, the Lions moved down the field, and with 31 seconds, Shaun Hill found Calvin Johnson in the corner of the end zone. One official signaled touchdown - one signaled incompletion, and the result was a positively torturous five-minute booth review. After the entire crowd's life-span had been shortened by approximately six years, the official ruled it an incompletion because Johnson waved the ball around as he fell and spun it out of his hands as he hit the turf. This is a violation of the process rule, which states that a receiver must maintain complete possession throughout the entire process of catching the ball, and which the NFL supposedly has been fiercely enforcing.

Now, I will take a "W" on the board any way I can get it. 19-14 is nice. I like seeing Jay Cutler kneeling out the last 30 seconds instead of sulking it up on the sidelines. The officials made the right call and the Bears deserved to win because of that. But I don't agree with the rule. Johnson clearly had the ball, and if we're going to make up goofy rules for what's required before someone has possession, I think we ought to make the rules as absurd as possible. Let's make the receiver walk on his hands from one end zone to the other - with the ball between his feet and while three cornerbacks chase him with a paintball gun - and then we'll call it full control. 

Of course, had the Bears' defense actually done their job on the last drive, there wouldn't have been any debate about whether Johnson had possession of the football or not. I was starting to wonder whether the Buffalo Bills had put on Bear jerseys and come out for this last drive, or if it was some kind of heat-induced hallucination, because I nearly passed out near the end of that game.

This pot is covered. Why wasn't Calvin Johnson? Source: University of Cincinnati.

Anyway, it was a good trip, the Bears are currently undefeated, I've now got cool team flags for my car (or wherever else I may put them), and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. My boyfriend, on the other hand, despite claiming he liked the whole experience (as it was his first NFL game) grumbled away incensed about the call, Stafford, and the sun. Now, if only I can convince him that watching a Lions game is essentially tantamount to organized masochism with beer ads...

To come later: Kollege Kickoff, Week 1 Wackiness, and the Worst Fantasy Weekend...ever.

Settle Down, Bears Fans

According to the Chicago Tribune, the rumors that TE Greg Olsen is trade-bait are nothing more than lies and fabrications, according to Olsen himself. (Tribbie)

Although supposedly the Patriots were interested in him, likely after Ben Watson left and before they drafted Rob Gronkowski. Am I the only person who gets Gronkowski confused with both the (now) Broncos TE of the same name and Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski? I say they ought to acquire Bruce Gradkowski from the Raiders and have a trifecta of ridiculous Polish names. 

Preseason Extra Points

So after blowing one to the Cardinals at home, the Bears fall to 0-3 in the preseason. I've given up on trying to figure out what's wrong with the Bears (besides everything; see below), so in the mean time, here are some morsels from week 3 of the preseason. 

Truly Special Special Teams: On Saturday night, at home, against the Cardinals, the Bears tried to answer the Cardinals' seven points with three, and the field goal was promptly blocked. On their next trip to the red zone, Gould went out to kick again from 48 yards, doinked the left upright, and missed. This preseason, the Bears have also had two blocked punts, one for a safety, and a muffed catch that ended in a recovery touchdown by the Raiders. We urge you to contact police if you have seen the Bears' special teams. 

Interesting Bonus Statistic: 33 of the 44 past Super Bowl champions have won at least two of their preseason outings. A notable exception to the rule is Detroit, who has won nine of their past eleven preliminaries, ironically going 4-0 before they went 0-16. 

But...but...We're the preseason champions! Yeah! Whoohoo! Source: ESPN SportsCenter.

Absolutely Sick Defensive Play Penalty: On 3rd-and-8 from their own 20 yard line while up by three against Detroit, Panthers Browns QB Jake Delhomme dropped back to pass and the Lions brought pressure. First-round pick DE Ndamukong Suh (overcome by a fit of blood-lust, apparently) grabbed Delhomme's facemask and violently tossed Delhomme to the turf - by his head (anyone who is so inclined may watch it here, but be warned: it's one of the dirtiest and most violent plays I've seen in a while). (NFL) Whoah, Mr. Suh! We realize that the Lions need to rebuild their defense, but receiving a fine from the league for attempting to decapitate your opponents is not the way to do it!

Another Interesting Bonus Statistic: Both teams to play in the 2006 Super Bowl are 0-3. While the Colts lack depth on defense, the Bears' first-and-second-team offenses are equally bad (scoring 17 and 19 points thus far, respectively). What's happening with the Bears: It's kind of like an inventor that designs some widget and plugs it in, only to have the thing blow up spectacularly. So he goes back to his garage, tinkers with it, and plugs it in the following week, with the same utterly disastrous result. Just watch. Both teams will now go 14-2. 

The Bears and Colts in the 2010 Preseason. Source: everywhere on the Internet.

Cue the Looney Tunes Music: Oh, Cowboys. How we bloggers love you for your comedic value. In a true Texas blowout, QB Tony Romo was sacked twice, fumbled, and committed the following incredibly amusing gaffe, where he intended to flip the ball to Felix Jones, who didn't hear him because Romo apparently changed the play at the last moment (NFL). D'oh! "We just didn't play good" said TE Jason Witten, who was apparently too exhausted to realize he was grammatically incorrect.

Yet Another Interesting Bonus Statistic: During the preseason thus far, the Indianapolis Colts have surrendered 130 points to opponents and committed 12 turnovers. The New Orleans Saints have scored 98 points and committed three turnovers. Wouldn't it have been fun to have these two teams play each other this preseason?

Amusing Announcing: During the opening announcement of the Cardinals starting lineups, a Bears Radio Network announcer referred to Cards guard Deuce Lutui (who is currently suspended for reporting to training camp overweight) as "Douche Lutui." While this one is no doubt a slip-of-the-tongue, why do I get the feeling that Lutui's teammates have probably been doing this for years behind his back?

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: My fantasy draft is next Friday at 10PM, and the Fighting Nucleophiles (Official Fantasy Team of Second and One) are coming back for a third consecutive season (hopefully without the busted knee ligaments, musical third wideout position, and famously wonky tight ends). I've been crunching statistics, reading injury reports and making my lists carefully (which are now in a super-secret MS word document with an equally super-secret title of "MC'S 2010 FANTASY DRAFT.") Tune in this time next week to see who'll be feeling nucleophilic this season.

That's all for now, folks. College ball starts next week. Man, I'd better get on that. Also to come soon: the second installment of the Second and One Reader Challenge, now with more nudity!

The Authoritative Chicago Bears Playbook Quiz!

So the Bears have disappointed again in the preseason, being thoroughly hoisted on their own petard by an inefficient offensive line and lousy play calling. We at Second and One have obtained this stinky playbook (and associated documents), and before we burned it to exorcise the demons therein, we made it into a quiz. See if you can guess the correct answer(s) to this question: What Would Lovie Do?

1. Your opponent fires a shot across the bow by scoring a touchdown on the opening possession. You (the Bears) have the ball. What do you do?

a. Show 'em what you're made of. Execute a quick-strike passing attack and punch it into the end zone in retaliation.

b. Run the ball steadily, grind out yards slowly and methodically, bleed ten minutes off the clock, and smash-mouth your way in for six.

c. Draw a long pass interference penalty and kick a field goal.

2. You're winning by fourteen points against a really bad team at home. You're on 4th down and 1 at their 16-yard-line. What do you do?

a. Go for it and see what happens. 

b. Be conservative, kick the field goal, and adjust accordingly. You're already winning.

c. Try a fake shovel pass to your fullback while in a pseudo-field goal formation, get creamed behind the line of scrimmage, and get no points.

3. You're losing on the road and you're 3rd and 17. What do you do?

a. Try and draw the opponents offsides to make it a more manageable 3rd and 7. 

b. Pull out the stops and throw the ball downfield.

c. Run up the middle for two yards. We're a running team, gosh-darnit!

4. A typical series for your offense goes like...

a. Short run, slant pass, screen route, first down.

b. Throw over the middle, sweep, short run, first down.

c. False start, sack, sack, run up the middle, punt. 

5. A typical series for your defense goes like...

a. Stuffed at the line, flush the QB from the pocket, broken up pass.

b. Jammed at the line, five-yard gain, pushed out of bounds.

c. Jump offsides twice in a row. 

6. Your opponent needs a true "Hail Mary" to tie you. What defensive formation do you use to try and stop it?

a. Easy. Nickel package or higher or straight-up Prevent. 

b. Send the dogs. Try a mega-blitz package and pray you're quicker than they are.

c. Don't rush the passer, and play the softest cover-2 you can think of.

7. It's draft day! Who do you pick?

a. Some big, speedy wide receivers for your franchise quarterback.

b. Some enormous guys to stick up front to block.

c. Cornerbacks! We've got, like, 12 on the roster, and we'd really like to make that 13! I hear that's good luck, or something.

8. You need a new coach for your defensive line. Who's your number one choice?

a. A bowl-winning former college defensive coordinator.

b. A young, defensive-minded assistant coach from a rival conference.

c. The head coach of a team that went 0-16 the previous season. It's just them, right?

9. It's a preseason game. It's pretty meaningless, but it's a time for judgment. What do you do?

a. Play your starters, and then the second and third strings, to check out the depth of your roster.

b. Try out some new plays you've been working on in training camp.

c. Practice two-point conversions every time you score (and even blow some of them) for a reason that eludes everyone's comprehension. 

10. Ok. You're going to score. Some way or another, you will get points. You're first and goal from the one-yard line. What's the play, coach?

a. Try the quarterback sneak. It just might work and will catch them off guard.

b. Power-rush time! Move that pile! 

c. Try to force the ball to your triple-covered tight end and promptly be intercepted in the corner of the end zone, knocking all momentum out of your team.

Let's hope these demons get worked out soon. 

Scandal and Slander!

So it turns out that it surfaced just around draft time that several prospective draftees were asked thoroughly inappropriate questions during the combine and pre-draft interviews by the brass of several NFL teams. It's true - kids coming out of college and looking to be recruited by the pros are often asked rigorous, soul-searching questions about their backgrounds, character, philosophy, style of play, and so forth, but it was taken too far during draft week by Miami Dolphins' GM Jeff Ireland, who asked Olahoma State WR Dez Bryant (who was drafted #24 overall by the Cowboys), if his mother was a prostitute. (Miami Herald). Bryant later stated that he was "really mad." Yeah. If someone asked me something like that during a job interview, I'd gouge their eye out. Bryant's mom, Angela Bryant, was arrested for selling drugs many years ago, but is equally mad about the situation, and (for the record), is not a lady of ill repute. (USA Today)

Other dodgy questions that have arisen out of this year's little Q & A sessions at the scouting combine and beyond, listed in the order of increasing eye-gouginess:

A. Whether DT Gerald McCoy prefers to wear a G-string or a jockstrap when he plays (They apparently forgot "thong" as an option);

B. Whether DT Geno Atkins (later drafted by the Bengals) was straight or gay (Yahoo Sports; Isn't it illegal, or least highly frowned upon, to ask that?)

C. What it felt like for Florida State safety Myron Rolle (who left his team senior year to pursue a Rhodes scholarship) to "desert his team" (Since when is the pursuit of education considered treason?);

D. If Stanford's Toby Gerhart (drafted by the Vikings) felt "entitled" as a running back because of his race (the rest of us apparently are still surprised that there are white running backs).

***

There's a very interesting article over at Sports Illustrated today. A neuropsychologist from some national institute or another describes how the symptoms of frontal lobe trauma - such as that seen in accident victims and war veterans - almost exactly describe the behavioral issues that plague Ben Roethlisberger, who is now facing a six-game suspension for his inappropriate behavior (which, once we get past the Ken Starr-esque wordplay, may or may not have been sexual assault). (SI/CNN)

Head injury or head-case? Overentitled or underprotected? Source: Steelerstoday.com

Jordan Grafman (the scientist) wonders if said issues - ranging from "violations" of social rules to misinterpreting a person's intentions when it comes to intimacy - could be due to events such as motorcycle accidents and repeated concussions. According to the article, Roethlisberger is something of a professional jackass around Pittsburgh, where he's reportedly done everything from flirting with other men's wives to dining-and-dashing at local restaurants and throwing tequila on people* (sadly, I wish I was kidding). Similar violations of what is considered "polite" are also seen in persons with frontal lobe damage. Interesting stuff, although Dr (Mr.?) Grafman also wonders whether it's possible to disentangle these issues from those of a 20-something-year-old Super Bowl winner with a lot of dough and a serious entitlement complex, which, to us here at Second and One, honestly sounds like most of the Steelers. Things other Steelers have done within the past two years include: smoking lots of dope, public intoxication, public urination, harassing nightclub patrons,  beating the snot out of towel dispensers, posting pictures of their private parts on the internet, I could go on - if the SI article is true, someone please get these guys some new helmets!

***

In Bears news, legendary (now retired) running back Gale Sayers admitted, (essentially), that the Bears still suck. (Chicago Tribune) On Tuesday, Sayers took shots at everyone from Brian Urlacher to the Bears' front office. If I were Sayers, I don't think I would've maligned half the team, but the pot-shots at the Bears' upper management (whom our storekeeper Brian has described as "a bunch of people listening to Loony Tunes music while they make decisions") are probably well-merited. The funniest part about what Sayers said, actually, is reading the comments over at the Tribbie, where the most rabid of the Bears fans are currently tearing each other apart over whether or not Jay Cutler will throw less interceptions next year.

More to come in the next few days.

*Pardon my violation of the PG-13 rating, but it seems like "chew and screw" is literal in Big Ben's case.

Draft

Did anyone watch the draft this past weekend? I had the opening round on as ambient noise, from Commissioner Goodell's opening remarks, through the Giants and Jets fans going ballistic, to the Drew Brees cameo, while I fooled around in my house and played games on my computer. I didn't see the other six rounds, as one night I had to go to some kind of work function and the second night I was with a group of people who wanted to watch Avatar instead (which, despite looking silly in the previews, was actually a decent movie). I have had this entry written for about four days now, but a whole host of things at work caused me to neglect it. I was, however, sent a variety of e-mails and was reading various news sites all weekend, where I discovered that some very unexpected things happened in the 2010 draft.

What the...? The first, of course, is that Tim Tebow got drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos, whose "continually trade down" strategy seemed to confuse everyone. Of course, this climactic part of the draft came when I decided it would be a good idea to take a shower, so I was left standing there soaking wet trying to figure out what had just happened. Tim Tebow to the Broncos? Did I slip on the soap and hit my head? First of all, by drafting Tebow, I don't think the Broncos organization is showing the public that they have a lot of faith in Kyle Orton (or Brady Quinn for that matter) unless they plan to play Tebow off-position*, which seems extraordinarily unlikely. More concerning, I'm not sure Tebow's SEC-style is a good fit for the Broncos' offense, which seems to be built around short passes and trying to psych out the opponents' cornerbacks, or at least until the team totally collapses around mid-November. Nonetheless, some teams have made this work (albeit inconsistently) like the Titans, and I believe Vince Young's success last season raised Tebow's stock considerably, but more often these experiments fail hopelessly (see synonyms at "Tarvaris Jackson" and "JaMarcus Russell"). 

So Suh Me: The Lions, who have been attempting to rebuild their team since approximately the Eisenhower administration, drafted both Cal RB Jahvid Best and 307-lb Nebraska tackling machine Ndamukong Suh. Now, we here at Second and One just love people with funny names, and according to many sources, the name "Ndamukong," in some tribal language from Cameroon, means "House of Spears." Is there a cooler name for a defensive tackle than that? He might as well be called "Killer" or "I'll tear your ACL." Can you imagine this guy pounding Brett Favre or Jay Cutler into the grass? It's enough to give offensive linemen an instant stroke, if the 10 cheeseburgers they eat every day doesn't do that first. Additionally, the Lions drafted a cornerback and a defensive end, along with -wait for it- another wide receiver. 

Nevermind the obvious questions like "Is he a good fit for the Lions' defensive scheme?" or "how does he feel about living in Detroit?" - Does he really have a house of spears!? (Source: jetswit.com)

One of the great cognitive disconnects in football, to me, are the defensive backs whom, despite being total animals on the field, are the nicest guys you could possibly imagine when they're not playing football. Ndamukong Suh seems like this kind of guy. Nice and soft-spoken, and also donated several million dollars to his alma mater for a scholarship fund. How about Jonathan Vilma, who's a linebacker for the Saints, who donated tons of money to disaster relief in Haiti? Or Charles Tillman, who lobbies congress and the FDA to approve experimental heart treatments? Or my favorite, Troy Polamalu, who admits his favorite hobbies are spending time with his wife, playing the piano, and gardening? It's extremely hard to imagine someone who earns a paycheck by assaulting people for 60 minutes every Sunday coming home and re-potting begonias. 

What the...? Part 2: The Bears, in round 6, drafted Central Michigan University QB Dan LeFevour, who is best known for his MAC record-breaking run-and-gun style. Yes, read it again. The Bears had long talked about adding a veteran QB as Jay Cutler insurance, but absolutely nobody expected them to take a rookie. However, as a Bears fan, I'm rather excited about this prospect (and, if my comments were still functional, I'd probably be spammed into oblivion by pessimistic Bears fans). Here's why. 1. The Bears need QB depth. Period. Caleb Hanie hasn't taken a snap in who-knows how long and the team is one twisted ankle away of having Devin Hester try to throw the ball and run down the field to catch it. 2. I have actually seen LeFevour play several times (albeit, against my favorite college team), and the kid's really no slouch. He also started 51 straight games (an NCAA record), holds several conference passing yard records, lead the CMU Chippewas to 4 bowl games, and made my favorite college team's linebackers go absolutely insane chasing him around. Also, according to the buzzing Chicago media, LeFevour is actually a Bears fan. (chicagobreakingsports). Now, the Bears are known for having a collective draft IQ of like, four, but I actually would give them at least a B this year. They saw where talent was, and they went after it. Notable other pickups include free safety Major Wright (from Florida), defensive end Corey Wootten (Northwestern), and OT J'Marcus Webb (who is six-foot-eight, and is from West Texas A&M, wherever that is.)

And now, we conclude by listing the best, worst, and weirdest of 2010:

Best: By trading away picks, Seattle was able to acquire both former Titans power-back LenDale White and Jets RB Leon Washington. This is extremely good for the mediocre Seahawks, who are so poor at rushing (26th last season!) that I can't even name a starting running back (and I'm generally pretty good at naming the starters for many positions - even kickers.)** 

The Jaguars also play in the lamely-named Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. "Municipal Stadium?" What the heck is this, the city power plant? (Source: football.ballparks.com)

Worst: The Jacksonville Jaguars, who are suffering at QB, drafted defensive lineman Tyson Alualu (Cal) in the first round, and followed with four other defensive backs. Wouldn't it make more sense for the Jags to have taken Tim Tebow, who went to a city where there are now more quarterbacks than air molecules, and, who Second and One dryly notes, is actually from Jacksonville? The Jaguars are currently one of the weakest markets in the NFL. They sold only around 74% of their seats last year, prompting the largest profit loss of 09 and all of this talk about moving the team to Los Angeles. (ticketnews.com) Wouldn't it make sense, both morally and economically, for the Jaguars to have drafted someone who could guarantee that they'd sell out the stadium every game? 

Weirdest: The San Francisco 49ers were ranked 22nd in passing last season and a mediocre 18th in ability to score. Wouldn't it make sense to draft a quarterback? Yet, the 49ers drafted three defenders, two offensive linemen, and a tight end who admits he likes hitting people until they bleed.(sfgate.com) While this is great for a team that wants to become more physical, who are these big boys protecting? Alex Smith, who had a worse QB rating last year than both David Garrard and Vince Young, if that's possible. Wouldn't it make more sense to draft a young gunslinger?

Anyway, this concludes most of what I wanted to say about the draft. I'll hopefully be able to resume more frequent posting.

*WR? TE? Team Chaplain?

**Theirs is Olindo Mare, and no, I did not just cheat and look that up.

An Open Letter to The Chicago Bears Organization

There will be no picks this week - Second and One deserves a bye week too and saw enough picks on Thursday night. Kollege Kickoff and news will continue as usual. But first, I felt the need to write this.

***

To the Chicago Bears Organization:

You guys are killing me this season. 

I mean, you're absolutely, unconscionably killing me. During the past five games, four of which have been atrocious, heartbreaking defeats, I sat, in my loyalty, wearing my Devin Hester jersey and color-matching everything down to my shoes. And as these games progressed, I became surrounded by all forms of coronary-clogging junk food, grievously and painfully wide-eyed over what my beloved Monsters of the Midway have become. A disaster.

First, I would like to know who is calling your plays these days. Mickey Mouse? Bozo the Clown? What made you think that, against the San Francisco 49ers, the 4th-ranked rush defense in the whole National Football League,  you could run poor Matt Forte into the line, again and again, without even learning how to block properly for him? Excluding the outliers, Forte had 1.3 yards per rushing attempt. If I drive my car repeatedly into a cinderblock wall, sure, I might eventually drive through it - but at great cost to everyone involved. You are going to hurt this kid. What ever happened to running outside? What ever happened to end-arounds and reverses? Heck, if you're going to be so conservative, what ever happened to the two tight-end set, for that matter? Watch some Colts tapes! Watch some Steelers tapes! Watch some Saints tapes! When are you guys going to chuck this playbook out the window and grow some sophistication? 

Why are you still holding onto this traditionalism that results in choking in the clutch? Why, in heaven and earth, after an entire, 80+ yard drive sustained to its end by Jay Cutler and Greg Olsen, did you take the latter - whom even aliens on Uranus could tell you is your best red zone target - out of the huddle, and substitute in third-stringer Kellen Davis, who had absolutely zero chemistry with Cutler when he ran into a sea of niners in the red zone? And later in the game, after a similarly boneheaded play, when Olsen went ballistic on the sidelines, why didn't you find out exactly what the outburst was about?

Second, this debacle is not entirely Jay Cutler's fault, and the Chicago Press and your higher-ups should be absolutely ashamed of themselves in piling the blame on him. Before everyone jumps on the bandwagon in crying for your quarterback's blood, remember that you are putting him in the situation to screw up like this. You have put him amidst a milquetoast receiving corps and an aging, ineffectual offensive line, and expected him to play Messiah. Jesus needs Apostles, people! Against Cleveland, arguably one of the worst defenses in the entire league, he was sacked four - count 'em - four times, and this is inexcusable. And if your line can't block, also remember this: forcing your quarterback to run backwards ten yards (just to avoid being creamed) and then pass forward for five still results in going backwards and leaves untold room for error. 

So let's talk about error. I will invoke my unified field theory of life: @$#% happens! Quarterbacks, especially younger quarterbacks, are human, like everyone else, and screw up. At least two of Thursday's interceptions weren't even Jay's fault. Receivers trip and fall down. Receivers have to alter their routes slightly to avoid running into the umpire. Receivers are unfairly interfered with and sometimes flags don't get called. And people have bad games. Eli Manning threw three interceptions against Arizona. Drew Brees, the MVP of the NFC, threw three against Miami and fumbled in the same game. Heck, while we're talking about the Cardinals, Kurt Warner threw five picks against the Panthers, and while we're talking about the Panthers, absolutely nobody knew why Jake Delhomme still had a job after the playoffs and the first third of the season. But no! you cry, He's a careless young gun who throws lots of INTs! I am thinking now of another "careless young gun" who lead the league in INTs - and is now going down in history as one of the greatest QBs to ever play the position. That's right. Brett Favre. Sure, putting the two in the same category is unfair comparison. But with time, and a coach who understands the psychology and basic field requirements necessary for good quarterbacking, we could have quite the turnaround.

Third: That's right. Coaching. I think Lovie Smith is a nice guy. I really do. But I think he's no longer right for this position. He's 20-21 since the Superbowl. The "love your players" approach is cute, but it's just not what you guys need. The lack of good coaching comes across strongly in two categories. First, you guys are sorely lacking in intensity on both sides of the ball. There are teams in the league that are permanently stuck in Two-Minute-Drill Mode (see details at "Carson Palmer et al."). There are teams in the league that play with an emotional fervor that borders on certifiable insanity (eg. New Orleans). And here you are, with conservative play calling, poor clock management, and a defense that is confused more oft than not. The intensity required for football is raw and primal; this is war. This is a brutal, zealous, male-initiation ritual that separates victor from subjugated loser! If you are on offense, you get out there and bury your opponent so deep that they never recover. If you're ahead by 14, play like you want to be ahead by 28. If you are on defense, your job is to make the opponent completely miserable. And there you have, in plays were Larry Fitzgerald and Chad Ochocinco are making beelines for your goal-line, at least one gentleman standing around doing nothing. 

This lack of coaching also comes across as lack of discipline. No team should have more than ten penalties per game. No team should have two delay of game flags when trying to score! No team should have a player ejected - Ever. Your front seven is a veritable false-start party, and your special teams garner more flags than the United Nations! A good coach gathers his players before a game and says "Guys, if you foul this up - figuratively and literally - there will be damnation to pay. Now settle down, breathe deeply, and get out there and do what you are paid millions of dollars to do - win. You are the Chicago Bears, darn it - start acting like them!" Either get some coaches who can enforce discipline, or get some more disciplined players.

Fourth: With this train-wreck in full effect, I can't help but wonder about your upper management after years of financial blundering, poor drafting, and outright stupidity. Are Jerry Angelo and Virginia McCaskey even Bears fans? Comfortable in their press-boxes and high society, do they have any clue whatsoever what it means to be a real Bears fan? I will tell you all what this is about. Chicago Bears: you are my team. You are my family's team and my father's team. I grew up watching him screaming at his television and couldn't figure out what it was about until I was a teenager. I then began to scream with him. I have made the pilgrimages to Soldier Field. I have gone to the bars and diners full of hopeful fans. I gone to watch you in both your finest fall form and your sloppiest December doldrums. I've cheered my heart out. I've cried my eyes out. Has your management ever worn team paraphernalia to serious meetings at work, prompting their bosses to ask "what, no eye black?" Has your management ever not slept after a yet another crushing loss? And I could do it another way. I could put on all the Packers gear in the universe and pretend to be a Cheesehead, but at the end of the day, I would be back in my head, in my friend's house, in February of 2007, watching Devin Hester run back the opening kickoff of the Superbowl - and it wouldn't feel right. Pride and Joy of Illinois? What is this?! Think about what you've done to your team. Think about what you've done to your fans!

In dire times such as this, we can do naught but reminisce. Source: Sports Illustrated, CNN.

And Bears fans do two things when times are lousy. We either say "well, it could be worse, we could be the [insert name of team with positively abysmal record here]." And you're going to let us settle for this kind of mediocre, destructive, uninspiring sport that makes us think this way? Alternatively, we think, "well, we won in 1986" and start dropping names like Bear wideouts drop passes: Butkus, Ditka, Payton, McMahon, the Fridge, Da '85 Defense. This doesn't matter! Only delusional people see clouds in silver linings, and only fools cling to the past. It is 2009.

But how about the young Bears fans? How about these kids in their late teens and 20s, the sons and daughters of those who watched the triumph of '86? When the Bears won Super Bowl XX, they did not exist. They were not alive to see this greatness everyone talked about, and these memories are meaningless. They have never known the feeling of waking up on a day when everything in their lives is going wrong, but could still say "Good heavens, at least the Bears are great!" if nothing else!

Sure, there's a lot of football left, and if you stage a fierce December comeback, I will respectfully eat my words and wash them down with half of Lake Michigan. But you're heading into a tough schedule. Eagles. Vikings. Packers. It's not looking good. Turn things around. Overhaul your playbook. Change some personnel. Mix things up. Find some leadership. It will be ugly. It will be hard. There will be blowouts. There will be barn-burners. There will be outrage. But you can do it. Remind us of that greatness. Remind us why it is, despite the heartbreak and the frustrations, that we still love the Chicago Bears.

And as always, Bear Down!!

Signed,

MC

Founder and Blogger

Second and One

November 15th, 2009

The Fourth Phase

After a rather lukewarm (and exhausting) couple of days at work, I finally get around to updating: The Bears game was fantastic. Of course, it's always fantastic when your team wins by 24 points, but overall, on the Awesome-O-Meter, where 1 is a kiss from your grandmum and 10 is Brad Pitt drag racing Tom Brady through Death Valley on Christmas, Sunday's classic NFC-style blowout was at least an 8, right between when I passed my qualifying exam in graduate school and the invention of the forward pass. 

The Blues Brothers were spot-on. 

On a beautiful Sunday I arrived at Soldier Field with my friend Tom, (a strange Lions/Bears fan hybrid whom I head up to Chicago with sometimes, and who has an awesome camera), just as a few Bears, not yet in uniform, limbered up on the field and fans began to stream in. 

"Hey man, if I get stuck like this, make sure it's not on ESPN tomorrow."

Tight end Greg Olsen rocks out in pink cleats for breast cancer awareness month.

Everything was perfect: the grass was neatly groomed, the end zone pylons were impeccably placed, every star on the NFC logo was geometrically precise. As we explored the stadium the Bears decided to suit up, and about an hour prior to kickoff, everyone was in full effect, including the fans. I was so wild and hyper at this point that I don't think I held still in one place prior to kickoff, bouncing off walls and caroming around the stadium like a cornerback on methamphetamine.

"If I try hard enough, I can punt this thing into Lake Michigan and make the Lions swim it back. Lovie, we got any snorkels?" (Brad Maynard)

"Darnit, I can't see myself, with my hot pink gloves, on the JumboTron from here!" (Devin Hester)

The Monsters of the Midway were lead onto the field by the Bears' Drumline. Fun Fact: Chicago does not have cheerleaders, but rather, a drum corps organized by the 4th Phase, the Bears' fan organization. It is named as such because there are "four phases" to the Chicago Bears: offense, defense, special teams, and the fan-base.

There are four phases of matter: Solids, Liquids, Gases, and Crazed Bears Fans in a supercritical state.

The game itself began as the Cutler/Stafford Showdown at OK Corral. Matthew Stafford opened up rapidly with deep passes to WR Calvin Johnson that the Bears' secondary was not prepared for, and, aided by several defensive penalties, put up seven points quickly. The Bears answered rapidly as Jay Cutler Air-Jordaned into the end zone for six. 

It's a Second and One Contest O' Captioning!:

a) Quarterback Jay Cutler not only captures the hearts of fans, but the gold medal in gymnastics as well;

b) By channeling the spirit of John Elway, Cutler proves that in addition to the ball he is holding, he has two more;

c) Linebacker: "Uh...what the...?" Announcer: "Touchdown Chicago!"

At the half, the game was tied 21-21. There was more call-and-response than a gospel choir! Stafford again nailed Calvin Johnson, but Cutler found both Kellen Davis and Greg Olsen for another 14. The Lions' offense, I must say, looked surprisingly competent. Bears fans sat on their hands as the drumline took the field for 20 minutes. I went to buy pizza. 

As everyone held their breath, Chicago fired a shot across the bow to re-start the battle. At the beginning of the third, rookie WR Johnny Knox fielded a punt in the end zone, ran it back 102 yards for the score, and at this point, the windows at Soldier Field were just about blowing out. Fun statistic: The Lions put up three points in the second half. Chicago's monster scoring machine continued and put up nine times as many: Matt Forte, in addition to his decent first-half stats, ran one in, as did RB Garrett Wolfe. Has anyone seen Garrett Wolfe? He's the Bears' equivalent of Darren Sproles. At 5'7", he's about the size of an atom of sodium next to linemen who are a foot taller than him, but if there's a play designed properly for him, he's incredibly useful.

The secondary made some adjustments as well, covering Johnson repeatedly with cornerback Charles "Peanut" Tillman, and turning up the pressure on Stafford, who overthrew his receivers and eventually went out with a knee injury as DE Adewale Ogunleye planted him.** Stafford was sacked a total of five times and turned the ball over twice. Before I knew it, the game was over, and the Bears had put up a staggering 48 points, dashing Detroit's hopes for a winning streak as the former went to 3-1. The second half and the subsequent loss was, to quote Lions coach Jim Schwartz, "one of the worst" he's seen.

Chicago: Thank you Lord, for this beautiful Sunday and the generous 48 points! 

Detroit: Thank you Lord, for only embarrassing us by 24 instead of 31. @#%&! #*%&@@!!!

So what did the Bears do right? 

a) Proving that they can finish a game: Again, the Bears prove that under pressure, they can do more than simply play defense when the game resumes at the half. It's all about making the "necessary adjustments" - like taking rookie CB Zackery Bowman off of Calvin Johnson and upping their pass-rush.

b) Actually playing defense when the game resumes at the half: The Bears have won three games since MLB Brian Urlacher's season-ending wrist dislocation. In addition to Urlacher, the team is also without linebackers Pisa Tinoisamoa and Hunter Hillenmeyer, and yet they don't seem to be suffering too much at this position as Nick Roach and Lance Briggs have more than compensated, aiding in forcing the Lions to four consecutive 3-and-outs in the second halves.

c) Delivery by Air-Mail: Is there anyone who Jay Cutler is not throwing to? He's got his tight ends. He's got Knox, Bennett, Hester, Forte as the option, and this confuses defenses if executed properly. Although the logistics of the deep pass are still being worked out, the Bears also have a bye week now, leaving Knox (shin) and Hester (shoulder) plenty of time to get healthy. Who next? Who's wide-out? Who's in the slot? The center? Walk-on fans? "Ineligible receiver downfield?" What's that mean, anyway? I won't say that Cutler is the next Tom Brady, (Chicago Tribune) but, as one fan remarked to me during the game, "It's so good to have a quarterback."

d) Special Teams that are actually Special, and not Special: The Bears won the field position battle, starting multiple drives from midfield or inside enemy lines. Their average starting field position: The Lions' 46 yard line. Why is this? To me, the answer is rather simple: teams are scared stiff to kick off to the Bears, who have three kids who can and have very easily run a few back: Knox, Hester, and free safety Danieal Manning*(who now acts as the nickel back on pass plays when Craig Steltz plays at FS, so he's probably the least threatening of the three). Still, as a result, opponents tend to kick either deep into the end zone, content on punting into the nearest body of water or the concession stands, or they kick short, high, or out of bounds to avoid the stigma of being another team who thought they could kick to Devin Hester and get away with it. 

***

What, now, becomes of the Lions? Well, without Stafford, who still threw for 296 yards and one TD against the Bears, I'm afraid not much. The Lions will not survive another season of quarterback roulette, and the rookie brings a jolt of athleticism, accuracy, and intelligence to a franchise that's been screwed sideways for the better part of half-a-century. If anything, the Lions have proven that they can score points, but still have a hard time overcoming what the Detroit News calls "Jeckyll and Hyde Syndrome" - the nagging psychological propensity for slipping into a coma at the half and not waking up in time. (Detroit News). If this can be erased by some means -prayer, chanting, blowing into paper bags, covering up the scoreboard so the players can't tell what quarter it is, something - the Lions' increasingly cohesive offense may eventually work out their first road victory in two years. Or maybe not.

***

After the game, I joined the mass exodus of wild fans prancing back through Grant Park, and realized that my dad, a fellow Bears fan whom I've mentioned numerous times, had left me numerous voicemail messages as he followed the game. "Robbie Gould from 50 yards! Go Bears!" "That Penalty on Alex Brown was not a face-mask or a horse-collar. What a BS call!" "Wow. You guys really have a beautiful day down there."

That we did, Dad. That we did.

Tomorrow: A suitably less Bears-centric recap from around the rest of the league, now with more Brett Favre!

Also, a special thanks goes out to Tom for a) good, like-minded company, b) being able to take pictures where I was too jittery to do so. 

*A lesser-known an under-appreciated Manning of the NFL.

**Q. What's blue and white and green all over? A. Matthew Stafford on Sunday afternoon.