Bowl Games!!!

Wow. What an absolutely abysmal performance by the Big Ten Et Al. today. Wisconsin showed poor clock management, Penn State threw a backbreaking interception and handed the contest to Florida. Northwestern rallied too late. Michigan schools were outscored 101-21 in bowl games. None looked worse than MSU. #9 showed up wanting a pound of Nick Saban's flesh. They also showed up with the Bears' O-line from the Giants game, the Texans' secondary, the defensive front from Denver, a QB lofting passes about like a second-grade girl whose primary interest is her Barbies, and an overall air of frustrated, "why-is-the-tight-end-fifty-yards-downfield"- desperation.

(My boyfriend and I wrote this description together.)

Good Heavens

Today's completely rideekulous college football score: Michigan survives Illinois in triple overtime in the highest-scoring game of the season. 67-65. 132 points. Six turnovers. 1,237 total yards of offense. Good gravy, these guys are more offensive than the way my trash currently smells. Someone told me earlier this season "Michigan has no defense." Whoever said this: I believe you know. 

Oh. And a few more interesting facts about this game. This also the most points ever scored in a Big 10 et al. conference game. And the last time Michigan played Illinois in basketball, the score was only 51-44. Out-freakin'-rageous. 

An Actual Update - Wait, What?

Ah, October. The month when the weather is no longer absurdly hot, when I can find candy apples and pumpkins at the store, and when, given the right circumstances, it's not totally inappropriate to start making Heisman predictions.* 

I've been pretty lousy at updating, I know. I've had a few days this week that weren't exactly worth getting out of bed for. So, onto the football. I also realize I'm lousy at writing introductory paragraphs for whatever reason. I need to work on this. I've spent weeks upon weeks writing manuscripts and patent disclosures and all sorts of sterile, technical blather. It's like work has sucked the proverbial marrow out of my creativity. 

Another One Bites The Dust: Oh boy. Four weeks in and people are already wondering what idiots made the top 25 rankings. #23 (North Carolina State) and #11 (Wisconsin) both lost to teams ranked either lower (in the latter case) or not ranked at all (the former). My personal favorite Upset O' The Week: unranked Washington knocking out a ranked USC team (this year, # 18) for the second year in a row. They supposedly kicked the game-winning three points after USC's kicker doinked one off the upright several minutes earlier. I saw part of this contest, and Washington honestly looked like a bunch of guys who met at a frat party for the first time the night before the game - no ability to cover the run and no ability to catch a ball without dropping it. Kudos to them for sobering up after halftime. There was a lot of action in the Pac-10 last night. 

Amusing Announcing: During between-game blather on ESPN, a commentator (perhaps Lou Holtz) referred to the LSU Tigers as the "Bayou Bengals." I must confess, this is one I've never heard before and it made me laugh. Are we allowed to call the TCU Horned Frogs the "Horny Toads" on TV yet? What's next? Caddyshack jokes about Minnesota?

Now if only the Gophers would stop blowing themselves up. Heh. Heh. See what I did there? Source: AP, Paul Battaglia. 

Random Bonus Statistic: The Montana State Bobcats and the Sacramento State Hornets (both Division I-AA), played a game in which 125 points were scored and 1,270 total yards of offense were accumulated. Montana State won the game, 64-61. Where were the defenses in this game, sitting on the bus watching television? 

Funny Name Alert (and another Random Bonus Statistic): Ohio State, excuse me, The Ohio State, is the only university football program where the head coach, offensive coordinator, and defensive coordinator all have the same first name. We speak, respectively, of Jim Tressel, Jim Bollman, and Jim Heacock. Also, according to the program's website, the team has 57 people on its coaching staff, including a person in charge of "defensive quality control". Perhaps we should send him to the teams listed above. I don't even think there are 57 people on the staff roster in my department, come to think of it.

Graduates Of the Bill Belicheck School of Opponent Demoralization, Blowout-tacular Summa Cum Laude Edition: Boise State (#3), TCU (#5), Auburn (#10), California (Pasadena) and S. Carolina State scored a combined 215 points, to a combined 3 by the opponents. Other notable blowouts include Drake (59-zip over Marist), and Eastern Kentucky (whose mascot looks disturbingly like Colonel Sanders) Kentucky-frying KY State 58-7. 

Graduates of the Dick Jauron "We Can't Find The End Zone" School: Division III Muskingum University defeated the Wilmington of Ohio Quakers by a blazingly impressive score of 3-0. 

Dear Tennessee: Thirteen? As everyone besides me has already remarked, that's too many even in Canada. Source: AP, Patrick Semansky. 

This is a Gun, This Is My Foot: At the end of the day, it looked like LSU (#12) was going down to the Tennessee Volunteers. LSU, on the final drive of the game (and furious attempt to score) tried to bleed the clock to zero, and then somehow goofed up the snap. The entire Tennessee bench started to run onto the field in celebration over the upset. But wait. What's that penalty flag doing there? The officials ruled that Tennessee did not only have twelve men on the field - they had thirteen. Gosh, that's unlucky. Since a game cannot end with a defensive penalty, LSU got another shot, where the ball was quickly punched into the end zone by RB Stevan Ridley (from one yard out). Ouch. Supposedly the ending of this game was so nasty, with helmets and headsets flying, that I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually got shot and this wasn't just a metaphor. 

Pro commentary to come. I mean it this time. 

*Although, can we stop with the Jake Locker/Denard Robinson hype, please? When either of these guys goes 10-2, sends their team to the Rose Bowl, and wins the thing, we'll talk about the Heisman. 

Everyone is Upset/Saluting Those Who Go Above and Beyond

Sadly, in week 12, the season draws to a close for most college football teams. Us bloggers, or as we call ourselves when we're feeling overly politically-correct, amateur journalists, will only sleep when the world ends. Without further, unnecessary ado, your week 11 college football pleasure.

Another One Bites the Dust: The University of South Florida (#24), who made this blog earlier this season for their upset of Florida State (in which they shanked two field goals and still won the game), marched up to New Jersey to take on 6-2 Rutgers. The first thing I learned in reading about this game was that the Rutgers team actually has a name. I had just assumed that they were simply called "Rutgers" (as in "Who is USF playing this weekend? Uh, the Rutgers...erm, Rutgers.") They're called the Scarlet Knights, and up against the Bulls, they blocked a punt, forced four turnovers and multiple quarterback changes, held USF to less than 160 yards of total offense, and done what no team has done to them in regular season play in their entire history - they shut them out, 31-0. Goodness gracious, these guys are more defensive than me while driving on the interstate! (Some fun stats c/o ESPN)

(Yeah. USF is still seeing red after being blanked by the Scarlet Nights for the first time in program history. Source: AP, Mel Evans.)

That's Not A Very Christian Thing To Do: There's a heck of a lot of hullaballoo over Texas Christian University's Horned Frogs. They're undefeated, first, and second, everyone wonders what point they were trying to prove on Saturday by all but running the 8-1 Utah Utes out of the Lone Star State. In this 55-28 blowout, the Horny Toads ran up the score by having five different people run the ball into the end zone: four (Tucker, Kerley, Hicks, and Wesley) on offense, and one (Carder) on defense. Another fun fact: Despite its name, the horned frog (or horned toad, as it applies to TCU and not South American horned frogs) is a reptile, not an amphibian, and is the state reptile of both Texas and Wyoming. Second and One imagines what it would be like if more schools named their teams after their state reptiles. The Massachusetts Garter Snakes! The Oklahoma Collared Lizards! The Michigan Painted Turtles (although Michigan is slow and sluggish enough to make this one actually appropriate!)

Well whatever it is, Lee Corso puts it on his head every Saturday morning. Source: Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.

Fresh From The Bakery: Oh, those North Carolina Tar Heels. Staging upsets left and right! And oh, those Miami Hurricanes, who keep being upset! On Saturday, U-M QB Jacory Harris threw four interceptions, three of which were caught by UNC Cornerback Kendric Burney. And for the second time this season, UNC Kicker Casey Barth sent up the game-winning three points as the clock ticked toward the end. I can't help wonder what happened to Harris, though. College players often boast of being in communication with NFL stars: Purdue QB Joey Elliot is frequently texted by another famous Boilermaker who shall go unnamed beyond stating that he is currently playing somewhere in Louisiana. Did Harris get a call from Jay Cutler? 

Dumb, Daft Defenses, College Edition: Ohio State and Iowa! The evenly-matched powerhouses of the Big Ten squared off for a Rose Bowl berth on Saturday evening. Beginning the 4th quarter tied at ten apiece, a flurry of scoring ensued in the last regulation period, complete with the Hawkeyes running back a kickoff and OSU missing a field goal - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. With seven minutes remaining and OSU up by seven, the Buckeye defense appeared to have the Hawks pinned on their own side of the field. Rushes for losses, incomplete passes - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. On third and four, the defense was roaring for a big stop.  But OSU jumped offsides - giving Iowa an instant first down! And six plays later, the Hawkeyes tied the game. It's a moot point as OSU won anyway, but had Iowa petered out to a punt, it could have been accepted that Terrelle Pryor et al. would have simply been able to bleed the clock dry for the remaining five minutes and avoid overtime.

It Cleans! It Freshens! It Deodorizes, and Removes Even the Nastiest of Stains!: Here's a pair of thought questions. What do you call a player who records a passing, rushing, and receiving touchdown all in the same game? Answer: Clemson senior RB C.J. Spiller. On the other hand, what do you call a 4-5 team that squibs three kickoffs short in attempt to keep the ball away from this guy, including kicking a duck only six yards when they were already losing? Answer: 4-6.

...It organizes your shoes! It fits under your bed! It's only $19.95! In our salute of ridiculously overperforming players, let's take a look at Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour. When talking about dual-threat quarterbacks, a lot of names come to mind. Juice Williams. Tim Tebow. Terelle Pryor. These guys give you more options than an open buffet. Of course, nobody will think to look under the table. Out of the MAC conference, LeFevour passed for two touchdowns, both over 30 yards, and ran for four, including three in the second quarter alone. LeFevour now has 45 rushing touchdowns in his possession, as well as the school's record. The NCAA has actually has certain rules against deceiving opponents by having players deliberately switching numbers or positions. They might want to head up to Mount Pleasant to investigate this one!

CMU staged an epically Fevourous rout of embattled Toledo. Source: Tim Fitzgerald, CMU Athletics.

...It Slices! It Dices! It makes Julienne Fries! We can't have a discussion about running backs who single-handedly run up the score without mentioning Ole Miss' Dexter McCluster, who ran for 282 yards and four scores against the Tennessee Volunteers. Where the heck were Tennessee's linebackers in this maddening, 25-point McClusterfarking in Mississippi? Second and One offers some suggestions:

a) Back in Tennessee

b) Georgia

c) In Louisiana, trying to stop the Saints

That's all for now, sports fans. Tomorrow: To the pros!

The Great BCS Computer Reset of 2009

We need some serious tech support here. Every season, there is always one weekend where there is a series of college football games that really make those who make a living predicting these things scratch their heads and sigh. This weekend, incidentally, was last weekend!

Another One Bites the Dust, and I Mean, Really Bites the Dust: At Kinnick Stadium in Iowa City, hopes for a BCS title flared fiercely for unbeaten Iowa (#4). That is, until Northwestern (6-4) showed up. The Hawkeyes instantly put up 10 points, and almost everyone said "game over" and changed the channel. In the second quarter, however, the Hawks' flashy young gun Ricky Stanzi was stripped and sacked in his own end zone by Corey Wootton and went down with a severe ankle injury. Marshall Thomas recovered the fumble, and after the fickle football pendulum swung, Iowa was unable to score again the whole game, making Northwestern (who hasn't beaten anyone ranked in five years), that's right, bowl-eligible. Iowa, who has trailed in the fourth period four other times this season and miraculously pulled out wins, simply ran out of gas this time. As for the Hawks, Stanzi has undergone ankle surgery and is doubtful for the rest of the season. (ESPN, Big Ten Blog) Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz dejectedly stated afterwards, "Anytime you lose your quarterback, that's not good." Uh, really? I honestly cannot think of a more obvious statement than this. Other things Second and One expects to learn from Coach Ferentz: The Pope is Catholic. The sky is blue. Food that is in the microwave will come out hot unless your microwave is broken. 

Pac-10 Pandemonium: Oregon caused quite the rankings kerfuffle when they defeated USC. Where should they be ranked? Should they be ranked ahead of Boise State despite losing to them? What happens to USC? Oregon then squared off against solid, six-and-two Stanford - and lost in a game where a combined 93 points were scored. This game was a greater shootout than the Matrix trilogy. Toby Gerhardt, who holds the records for both "highest number of rush yards/game at Stanford" and "whitest running back imaginable" burned up the scoreboard with three scores and 223 yards. On the other foot, err, hand, Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli threw for three TDs and ran for one. Jumpin Jehosophat, these guys are more offensive than rotten food in your fridge. 

Toby Gerhardt and the Stanford Cardinal* feasted upon the ducks on Saturday. Source: AP, Marcio Jose Sanchez.

This is Why You Go For It: The University of Cincinnati Bearcats are incredible. After star QB Tony Pike's injury, #5 is the epitome of perseverance. In Saturday's embittered skirmish with UConn, the Bearcats showed extreme intestinal fortitude in going for it twice on 4th down - and converting both attempts. The UConn Huskies, incidentally, also went for it twice in similar situations, converted both attempts, and almost won. Other fun facts: Cincy's backup QB Zach Collaros passed for an eye-popping 480 yards in a game where the team accumulated 711 yards of total offense. Judas Priest, these guys are more offensive than smelly feet!

Fresh From the Bakery: Ever notice there are teams that just do not match up well? Navy and Notre Dame. The Midshipmen were ND's doormat for 43 years, finally winning in 2006. And in 2009, Notre Dame dominated first downs, total and passing yards, and third down conversion rate, and still lost the game. Why? The Irish turned the ball over three times. When you're trying to earn a BCS bid against an unranked, independent opponent, you've got to hold onto the ball! The strategies in this game were vastly different. ND had 452 yards passing. Navy had 348 yards rushing. Both under 60 yards in the other category. Suffering Succotash, these guys are more offensive than Howard Stern!

Special Teams that are Truly Special and not Special: Michigan, who is in extreme disarray, hoped to become bowl-eligible against the Purdue Boilermakers, whom Second and One follows as "the most schizophrenic team in the whole BCS." Purdue is the team that put up 52 points one week and then dropped one to a relative cupcake two weeks later. This team ground #7 Ohio State into a fine powder and blew them away, and then lost 37-0 to Wisconsin two weeks later. This kind of schizophrenic. (Indy.com)

Beginning what was to become a furious 3rd quarter comeback against the Now-Extinct Wolverines, Purdue threw the playbook at Michigan. Runs that looked like passes, passes that looked like runs, jailbreak screen formations, sending enormous, mostly-blocking tight ends 50 yards downfield to catch the ball, and other such insanity. Capping one such drive, Purdue RB Ralph Bolden ran 10 yards for 6 points, and the Boilermakers lined up after the extra point to return the ball to Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier...but the ball bounced ten yards into the air and was promptly recovered by Purdue. Surprise onside kick! The very next play, Elliot found WR Cortez Smith in the end zone from 54 yards out. And there's 14 points in nine seconds. It would be safe to say that the Wolverines did not know what hit them and probably still don't. Onside kicks are normally viewed as desperation maneuvers saved for the end of a game when raising the white flag is almost certain. Pulling one out when nobody expects it - and executing to textbook perfection - is a genius maneuver that breaks monotony and jazzes up the entire team. Especially when the team in question, who has not beaten Michigan at Michigan since 1966, wins it 38-36! Fun Fact: The last time Purdue and Michigan met, Purdue won in a game where 90 points were scored between the two contestants. Mighty Minced Oaths, these guys are more offensive than belching at the dinner table!

This has not happened since the Johnson Administration. This has not happened since before the moon landing. This has not happened since before the Internet. Source: Purdue Exponent

Football Nuttery at Work, Round N: I conclude this entry by describing an incident that happened yesterday afternoon. For appropriate background, the Football Team at the University Where I Work won this past weekend, but was the victim of a few outrageously bad ref calls along the way, including one for "kick catch interference."  After watching replays of this incident over and over, I concluded it was a bogus call: the designated return man tripped into the turf and was untouched. The distance between the defender flagged for interference and the ball was approximately the same distance between Missouri and Moscow. As the boys still ended up winning, I grumbled and put the incident out of my mind. On Monday afternoon, I began the task of sorting through a pile of paperwork that I would swear has been mating on my desk, and went to visit the head of my research group about a serious matter contained in said paperwork. As I was turning to leave his office, he stops me cold and says "So. How 'bout that kick interference call?" Tension gone! Fans: sometimes, a little pigskin pitch can help file the most frustrating of forms!

NFL news tomorrow, including a few woeful thoughts on the Bears/Cards disaster.

*Why is this singular? Shouldn't it be "cardinals" or a modifier (e.g. "cardinal sin?") Why is their logo a tree? What is going on with this team, anyway?

EDIT: I realized I had to get some facts about UConn/Cincy straight. After the cleanup on aisle 9, things are the way they should be.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from Second and One! Anyone reading is probably hungover and/or suffering from a massive sugar crash and statistics probably aren't very easy to chew right now, so it's time for some silly allegories. Thus this question is posed: if various teams in the BCS dressed up for Halloween, what would they be?

Oregon went as a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing: At the beginning of the season, nobody thought Oregon was going anywhere. They looked abysmal in their opening game against Boise state. They lost their star running back due to disciplinary problems. They committed five special teams penalties against Purdue and won on a dodgy onside kick call. Between weeks two and three, however, the Ducks must have visited the exorcist and now score an average of 39.6 points per game, lead by dual-threat whiz-kid Jeremiah Masoli. Against USC (#5), the ducks amassed 613 yards of total offense, shellacking the Men of Troy by 27. 

UCLA went as Witches: Despite losing to Oregon State, they're always Bruin!*

Indiana University got creative and went as a Nuclear Reactor:...Which melted down spectacularly in the second half of the game. Leading Iowa (#4) by 14 at one point, the Hoosiers remembered they were second-to-last in the Big Ten, and the defense did not show up to play. The Hawkeyes outscored IU 35-3 in the second half.

Time for a reactor core check down in Bloomington! Source: McMaster University. Mini Soliloquy O' Science: the blue glow in nuclear reactors is called Cherenkov Radiation, and is caused by charged particles passing through the reactor insulators at a constant speed that's greater than the speed of light. Sadly, in the 4th quarter against Iowa, IU did not have any such speed or charge. 

To the same tune, Iowa went as Vampires: You just cannot kill these guys. This season, Iowa has been extremely lucky:

a) They won by scoring a TD in the last three seconds against MSU, whose defense played amazingly the entire game;

b) They blocked TWO field goals to avoid being dropped by relative cupcake Northern Iowa in week 1;

c) They won by only a field goal against Arkansas State, who belongs to the little known Sun Belt conference, where they are ranked seventh;

d) Ricky Stanzi threw five interceptions and still scored 28 points in the 4th quarter to avoid losing to IU!

I am starting to think that perhaps the Devil, after relinquishing his deal with Lloyd Carr, shopped around the conference and has signed Kirk Ferentz (and by proxy, Ricky "Vlad the Impaler" Stanzi!)

Of course, this begs the obvious question. After games like these, does Iowa really deserve to be #4 (or as some computers have calculated, #1) in the country? The BCS computers, when they crunch out the rankings, do not account for categories such as "choking away three quarters of a game and surging back in the fourth" or even "margin of winning" - and for good reason. Things would be a lot more unsportsmanlike if teams constantly had spitting contests to simply run up the score. Of course, there'd also be a lot less punting and things would be a darn sight more interesting. 

UNLV, Purdue, Tulane, and New Mexico State went as Zombies: Shut out by a combined 165 points, these teams were dead on arrival. For example, Purdue, whose dual run-pass threat normally averages over 400 yards, was held to just over 25% of its offensive production during the Massacre in Madison.

UNC went as a Baby: Cute in powder-blue and white and rather understated in sitting at 4-3, the Tar Heels then threw an absolute tantrum at Virginia Tech as Casey Barth kicked a buzzer-beating, extra point-sized field goal to knock off #13. Fun Fact: The Tar Heels were an astonishing 10/19 on third-down conversions. 

WAAH! WAHH! Who's cryin' now? Source: Scott Halleran, Getty Images

Vanderbilt went as a Brick House: Hey, the Commodores sang about it, and it's exactly how Vandy's been playing: looking nice and not moving much. Two puns for the price of one! In yesterday's good-old-fashioned 56-31 shootout, the Commodores allowed Georgia Tech to put up 597 yards of offense, of which a staggering 404 were on the ground. They also let the Yellow Jackets score two rushing touchdowns in the third quarter - forty seconds apart. Good heavens, at least a brick house would be better at stopping the run. 

Michigan went as an Area Rug: After they got walked upon, they got taken out and beaten. The once-proud Maize and Blue has lost their last two games by a combined 50 points; and not for lack of trying. The team is plagued by bad penalties, bad execution, and bad luck. Illinois, who is 2-6 and last in the Big 10, was all but blessed by the football gods; Wolverine receiver Roy Roundtree, hauling in a deep ball from Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier, made a 76-yard beeline for the end zone, where Illini DB Terry Hawthorne nailed him on the one-yard line. Illinois then executed a picture-perfect goal-line stand. Four downs. Four attempts to punch it in. Four stops. The Fighting Illini roared back with 500 yards of offense; and 31 points in the second half alone. Again, I ask: what happened to Michigan?

Hail, to low over-unders, hail to defensive blunders; hail, hail to Michigan, this team was once the best! Hail to bad quarterbacking, hail to repeated sacking, hail, hail to Michigan - disaster of the west! Source: AP, Seth Perlman.

***

And now, some NFL picks for week 8! I'm currently sitting at about 75% for my predictions, so we'll see if I can keep this streak alive:

St. Louis @ Detroit: Here's the fail-bowl of the day. Detroit has won one game all season. St. Louis is on par to become the new Detroit. The two things the Rams do have going for them: Steven Jackson, who has over 800 yards from scrimmage, and Donnie Avery, who can can catch the deep ball (owing that someone can get it to him) - and Detroit's pass defense is ranked 30th. Now here's what the Lions have going for them: despite the bungling, the fumbling, the stop-and-go offense, and the bad psychology, there is a chance that Matthew Stafford will start. When healthy, the kid is crazy accurate, and Calvin Johnson's got good hands, as does rookie tight end Brandon Pettigrew. What this game is going to come down to is the Rams' offense vs. the Lions' defense. St. Louis is ranked stone-dead last in ability to score, averaging just over 8 points per game - but Detroit needs to corral the run and cover the deep ball (which they've statistically had a pretty difficult time doing) - if they're to win. However, because Detroit was able to beat the Redskins (who are actually no slouch defensively), and prove that they can come out where it's close, Second and One will go against the analysts and pick the Lions in what's essentially the NFL equivalent of dividing by zero.

Cleveland @ Chicago: Of course, like most recent Bears games, the outcome will depend upon which Chicago team shows up to play. The problem with the Bears, historically, is once they hit the skids (especially after a blowout loss like last week's), they play down to the level of less talented teams, and these games end up being closer than they should be, nearly giving every Bears fan a coronary. I swear to Bob, these guys have shortened my life span considerably. I don't smoke and I exercise regularly, yet I'll probably have a stroke at 50 when the Bears miss a last-second field goal to lose the Super Bowl. Cleveland, however, is a bastion of bad news. Fan protests. Quarterback roulette. Ranked in the bottom ten on every category on both sides of the ball. The Bears (weaknesses and all) are out for blood and haven't lost in Soldier Field this season. Chicago, but by less than I'd like. 

Atlanta @ New Orleans: The Falcons, who struggle out on the corners, allow an astonishing 250 pass yards per game, on average (that's 26th.) And here they go, into the hot, deafening belly of the beast that is the Superdome to square off against calculating, gunslinging Drew Brees and the Scoring Machines. As Atlanta's secondary is suffering so terribly and will likely be scrambling to play man coverage with wideouts, I'd be on the lookout for one of Brees' signature moves: The jump-pass over the middle to Jeremy Shockey, who to me always seems approximately ten feet tall. Sure, the Matt Ryan/Roddy White/Michael Turner show cleans the clocks of lesser opponents, but against the likes of dangerous Darren Sharper (who has made six interceptions this season) - they probably don't stand much of a chance at all. Big Easy eats the Dirty Birds by at least ten.

Miami @ New York Jets: I have a hard time thinking about either of these teams. They are, respectively, second and first in the league in rushing. Thomas Jones! Ricky Williams! And I think, sadly, that both teams know this very obvious fact about each other and will easily focus most of their defensive efforts into into containing the run unless something gives. Get ready then, for an air assault. Comparing whom each time has under center, I think Miami might have the edge, considering the only thing Mark Sanchez throws these days are interceptions and crackback blocks. It's going to be a close one, but I'm picking Miami. 

That's all for now. Time to go out and find a bar where I can watch the Bears game.

*I had to get the bad puns out of my system early on. Thank you.

David and Goliath

In this special edition of Kollege Kickoff, Second and One solutes the underdogs. This Saturday, more than a few Other Ones Bit the Dust, and there were a fair share of darn good near-upsets as well! 

Big 12 Edition, In Which My Mass Spectroscopist Has a Stroke: In Lincoln, Nebraska, Red Raider QB Steven Sheffield (subbing for the injured Taylor Potts) began the game by completing 14 of his first 16 passes and an early touchdown. Six minutes later, Nebraska fumbled on a botched lateral and Tech ran it back 82 yards to the house to put the Red Raiders up 14-0. Technically (heh) Tech's defense let Nebraska move up and down the field (Tech was slightly edged out in both total and rushing yards) - but they simply did not let them score. the 'Huskers couldn't get it in the end zone until more than six minutes into the 4th period. A miracle comeback couldn't be staged by Pelini and Company*, and #15 was blasted out of the sky. In other news, the agonized wails of my group's mass spectroscopist (whom I've described before as being the most die-hard of the die-hard Husker fans) are reported to have been heard all the way to France.  

What do you mean we're losing by 21!? Fire that scoreboard operator for such a silly error!! Source: AP/Dave Weaver 

Big 12 Edition, In Which Mangino Chokes on a "Cupcake:" First, an intellectual pseudo-point o' contention: does anybody know what the proper pluralization of buffalo actually is? Isn't it just the singular buffalo, like deer or cattle? Or is it buffalos?Buffaloes (as Colorado says it is? Tomatos? Tomatoes?) Second and One also notes that technically, there are no true buffalo in North America. The majestic beasts that roam the sweeping plains of the US are bison - the term "buffalo" is used to describe African buffalo and Asian water buffalo, which the American bison actually has very little relation to. (Wikipedia) But this is likely a moot point, as there are currently no wolverines in Michigan, either.**

Anyway, the 1-4 Colorado Buffaloes Buffalo Buffalos Bison were statistically outgained in total yardage by the undefeated Kansas Jayhawks - by 101 yards. The Jayhawks depended on the pass the entire game, literally. They tried to run and got pushed back 8 yards, whereas Colorado had over 140 yards on the ground, making the game look like an infantry division versus an air raid. The Buffaloes had fewer first downs, fewer yards per pass, more turnovers, and more penalties - and won the game by four. How? A last-second pair of swatted-down passes kept Kansas out of the end zone, and #17 fell to its knees.  

Big 10 Edition, In Which Purdue Breathes A Collective Sigh of Relief That They Don't Suck Nearly As Hard As They Thought They Did: Now here's the real stunner of the day: At 5-1, Jim Tressel's Buckeyes seemed an unstoppable force, shooting up through the BCS standings to #7. On the other end, the Purdue Boilermakers, whom I've been following asThe Team the Football Gods Hate, have been plagued by turnovers, leading the nation in slop, error, and just plain bad luck. After blowing five games straight, the team was dejected and fans were woeful and angry, calling new head coach Danny Hope "Danny Hopeless"(Purdue Exponent). The chemistry department at Purdue was no doubt working on a secret adhesive to bond footballs specifically to the team's hands.***  

What everyone failed to notice, however, is that Purdue's offense was a sleeping, dangerous giant. Even after five losses (none of which were by more than seven points), Purdue's Joey Elliot lead the conference in pass yardage and average yards per game. Purdue RB Ralph Bolden was #2 in rushing and 3rd in all-purpose yards. Purdue wideout Keith Smith was #2 in everything, and punt returner/general whiz kid Aaron Valentin leads the conference in all-purpose. (ESPN Big Ten Blog). Purdue's offense was fourth in the division, with an astonishing 410 yards per game on average. In addition, kicker Carson Wiggs holds the school record for longest field goal - by six yards - beating only his own previous record, and has made three of his past 16 field goals from 50 yards or longer. (More scary Wiggs stats c/o Purdue Exponent). Good LORD! If Purdue had committed only half as many turnovers, this team would have been a formidable, ranked scoring machine.

Welcome to West Lafayette, Mr. Pryor. Now would you like to be buried or cremated? Source: AP/Darron Cummings

It is this fact precisely that Ohio State failed to acknowledge. They underestimated and looked past Purdue and QB Joey Elliot, who channeled the aura of Drew Brees and passed for 281 yards, 14 points, and only one pick - and the overconfident Buckeyes suffered for it. Of course, some fans and astute observers also had clued into the possibility that the Boilers were a dark horse. The night before the game, my buddy Tom called me and said, "You know, MC, I just have this feeling. I just have this feeling that this is a trap game." Tom - if you're out there reading - kudos for calling that one!

Purdue first took the lead by a fire-drill field goal in the final ticks of the first half, and then opened it up in the third. Their greatest lead was by 16 points, and they finished ahead by 8. In stark contrast to yesterday's other upsets, where the underdogs were statistically edged out but still won, the Boilermakers dominated every conceivable category, only falling short in yards per pass simply because they passed more. The Purdue defense forced five turnovers, including four by extremely frustrated quarterback Terelle Pryor (whom they also sacked three times), and the Boiler team as a whole played cleanly and with extreme discipline, committing only one penalty for negative yardage (a false start). Good heavens, when did these guys grow some fortitude?! Sure, everyone and their brother realizes that the Big Ten is normally a giant Mobius Strip of win/loss-by-proxy (e.g., we spanked the team that stomped the team that obliterated us in week 2, etc.), but a shocker like this really makes people scratch their chins, especially when the team doing the shocking hasn't beaten a ranked opponent in six years! This is why we love college football! 

How Did We Get Out of That One?!: In addition to the epic upsets, there were a few close shaves that could have easily nicked some major arteries. Had Oklahoma (16) QB Sam Bradford not been re-injured in the first quarter of the Red River Rivalry, there's a chance #3 Texas may have been in trouble. Florida? Winning by a field goal in the last 9 seconds of the game against unranked Arkansas? Cold day in the underworld! USC, stopping Notre Dame in the red zone as the clock ran down in regulation? What on Earth is going on? Iowa (11) not waking up until halftime against a team that calls themselves the "Badgers"? Tulsa coming within 7 of menacing Boise State (5)? Maintenance check on the BCS computer, please!

***

Now, NFL Picks for Week Six: 

New York Giants @ New Orleans: When I was all of 19 years old, I learned in college physics that an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. I find now that this applies to football as well. Both teams are coming into this one with an awful lot of scary, undefeated raw inertia, and it's often hard to call games like this without looking at lots and lots of little details, which I don't have time to do. Eli Manning, who is second in fantastical quarterbacking ability only to his big brother, is playing with a tender injured foot. When Eli doesn't feel well, things don't click perfectly 100% of the time. The Saints have a first-class run/pass attack that seems very hard to stop, and the linchpin of this whole thing may easily come down to the Saints' offense vs. the Giants' defense. Home-field advantage may make a difference here, so I'm picking Big Easy over Big Blue.  

Baltimore @ Minnesota: For 39 straight games, it was easier trying to rush against a parked semi than trying to rush against Baltimore - the Blackbirds did not allow 100 yards on the ground until last week's breakout by Cedric Benson. More bad psychology! Now, whether this was a fluke or not- collapsing only one time out of forty is pretty good - remains to be seen, but it's a terrible week to be in that situation, as the Ravens are up against Adrian Peterson. Even if they can corral Purple Jesus, they force a still-accurate Brett Favre to throw to a talented receiving corps, which is another tough situation to be in. In order to win, the Ravens are going to have to stop the run, blitz their brains out, and not draw costly penalties! Of course, the offense will have to do their part too, and although they're strong, they're unpredictable at best. As much as I'd like to see someone whack the Vikes, I don't believe it will happen here. Minnesota.

Chicago @ Atlanta: Both teams are in a statistical dead heat. The Bears have a better passing game but a good run defense. The Falcons have a better run game but good pass defense. The Bears' D-line can reliably make life totally miserable for a quarterback up against them. Matt Ryan has only been sacked twice all season. In both teams' previous games, they blew out their opponents. In dead heat games, one of two things can happen. In some cases, the two teams just whack up against each other like fists on a brick wall, and a low-scoring game results. In other cases, both teams can find their opponents' Achilles' heels, and unless adjustments are made, you get a greater shootout than the Matrix trilogy. Chicago's Achilles heel: injuries in their slow-starting secondary. Atlanta's Achilles heel: they're outgained on special teams. This is probably going to be one of those games where someone wins by a field goal - which the Bears, with Robbie "Good as" Gould are better at doing. But again, we're evened out: Ludacris once rapped "I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome, on the 50-yard-line, while the Dirty Birds kick for three..." So because I can't sort out the yin-yang mess that is these two teams, I consider myself, as a Bears fan, too biased to call this game, and step aside. So let's do it this way. To the readers: Flip a coin. If it's heads, like the Bears' level-headed defense, the Monsters of the Midway will win. But if it's tails, like the feathered plumage of the flashy Ryan/Turner/White show, the Falcons have it.  

Is there any predictive power in Ludacris' lewd lyrics? Source: beattrend.com 

There we have it. I won't call a fourth game this week because I'm trying to finish my fantasy lineups. News + witticisms later. 

*Am I the only person who thinks this sounds like a beauty salon?

**I say "currently" because there used to be.

***Boy, I hope it would be specific. Otherwise, the officials would start suspecting funny business when kickers got their feet stuck to the balls and the QB's hands became cemented under the center's backside. 

Weekend O' Wreckage

In case anyone wonders: Yes. I had a great time last night. The team I was rooting for ended up losing a nail-biter by three points, but it was an evening game, the weather was perfect, and the atmosphere was absolutely terrific. 

And now, Upsets!

Another One Bites the Dust: Yesterday,  #4 (Mississippi) was knocked off by South Carolina; Iowa beat Penn State (#5) by 11 points, and Cal (#6) was positively vaporized by Oregon, 42-3. Additionally, FSU (#18) lost to the University of Southern Florida (whoever the heck they are); and #24 (Washington) was buried by Stanford. 

There were also some amazingly close shaves: Clemson came within four of TCU (15), as did Mississippi State and LSU (7), and Houston (17) eeked out a win by a single point.  In other news, it's reported that the country's top computer scientists and programmers are now working around the clock to rebuild the BCS computer after it crashed and subsequently exploded last night.

This is Why You Go For It: The demoralized Michigan State Spartans, buried under a pile of points by Brett Bielema's Wisconsin boys in the 3rd quarter, opted, on 4th and 7 on the UW 10 to kick a field goal. Um...why did you do that? You're 1-2, psychologically messed up, on the road, down by two scores, being smeared by a team that calls themselves the Badgers, for God's sake, and you're knocking on the end zone's door? Show some Spartan fortitude and punch that sucker in! Instead, they kicked, and now are 1-3.

Also, did anyone see the video of Mark Dantonio sulking on the sidelines in the final seconds of the game? He had a scowl that probably could've made a linebacker cry.

This is Why You Don't Go For It: The Florida State Seminoles, greedy to be the first to put seven on the board, found themselves 4th and goal on the USF 2.  Ty Jones then rushed for one yard, but couldn't get it in, resulting in turnover on downs. USF then took the ball, from their own one-yard line, drove it downfield in two minutes - complete with a deep 77-yard pass from QB BJ Daniels - and scored. FSU, why didn't you kick for three? USF then went on to score again, while FSU finished the half with a goose-egg on the board. Mind you: they laid this one themselves.

I found myself wondering what on earth was going on with this game: FSU's pretty good. Nobody knows there's even a university in South Florida. It was almost like these two teams had switched places. And then I realized it: USF is FSU backwards! A palindromic matchup! Coincidence...or MURDER?*

"Aha! You stole our name and our spirit! You're going down!" Source: AP, Phil Coale.

Also, Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: USF missed two field goals. And still won the game.

Another Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: In the heavily-anticipated Purdue/Notre Dame skirmish, Purdue had 78 yards rushing, and 103 yards of penalties, including "taunting." The official NCAA Rulebook defines this as an "unsportsmanlike conduct" foul. Also under their heading of "unsportsmanlike conduct:" simulating the firing of a weapon or slashing of the throat, beating or crossing one's chest over a prone player, altering one's stride whilst scoring unopposed, bowing at the waist, going into the stands to interact with spectators, removing one's helmet, showboating (which they refer to as "delayed, excessive, prolonged, or choreographed acts by which a player (or player) attempts to focus attention upon himself (or themselves)", spiking the ball beyond conserving clock, and tossing the ball into the air (or anywhere where the official must go find it). Holy cats, Batman! 2ndand1 also surmises Purdue was penalized for having no secondary on the field, looking at the cheerleaders, standing one Angstrom** in the neutral zone, and breathing too loudly!

An Aesthetic Thought: At the game last night, I couldn't help but notice that the flag girls were carrying the ugliest flags I have ever seen. A big green, yellow and purple lightning bolt? Erm...precisely what this design had to do with the team, whose mascot is nowhere near a lightning bolt, and whose colors are nowhere near green, yellow, and purple, I have no idea. It looked like a bad Roller Derby show, or worse yet, like the San Diego Chargers had a garage sale in which they unloaded all of their campy 1970s memorabilia. 

***

And now switching to the pros, some prognostication!

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati: The Steelers, despite not being able to kick a ball straight and losing a heartbreaker to the Bears, have a sophisticated offense and talented receivers. However, the Bengals are coming in hot after upsetting the Packers at home - complete with Chad Ochocinco's Lambeau Leap. (youtube, via blacksportsonline. Warning: Rude gestures in the background.) Who knows. I'm taking Pittsburgh, but by less than one might think.

Cleveland @ Baltimore: the Browns are a mess. Team chemistry is suffering as cacaphony erupts in the locker room and Mangini irritates the team into filing grievances.(ESPN) Currently without two offensive linemen and Jamal Lewis, whom my friend Judy describes as "the only one who can score," they come up against Baltimore, who eeked out the high-voltage Chargers last week and continue to put up solid defense. Additionally, the Browns have not scored an offensive touchdown since...uh...since...Good heavens, I can't remember. Baltimore by at least 10. 

Washington @ Detroit: Neither team seems to be able to get it started offensively. Detroit rookie QB Matt Stafford has thrown one touchdown and five picks; whereas Washington has scored one offensive touchdown all season (and one by their punter.) Second and One predicts a 0-0 tie, ending in the final overtime with Washington missing a field goal.

Chicago @ Seattle: Matt Hasselbeck is not expected to even dress for the game today. While backup Seneca Wallace is fairly athletic, nobody knows what TJ Houshmandzadeh is actually doing for the Seahawks yet. The Bears are wound up on adrenaline after besting the Steelers last week, proving that their defense is still cohesive without MLB Brian Urlacher. On the other hand, the Seahawks prove to be one of the stingiest pass defenses in the league, having not allowed a passing touchdown this season. Thenagain, they've played St. Louis and San Francisco. The Bears' receiver core, consisting thus far of Earl Bennett, Devin Hester, and rookie Johnny Knox, is beginning to gel, however, and could be the team to break this streak, possibly using RB Matt Forte as both running back and option guy. I'll pick the Bears. 

New Orleans @ Buffalo: The Buffalo Bills are ranked 31st in pass defense this season so far. Drew Brees is flying so hot that he'll burn up if he ever re-enters the atmosphere. This is all we need to know. Too easy. Next.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: The Fighting Nucleophiles, official Fantasy Team of 2ndand1, got annihilated last week. Quick: Do I start Boss or Celek at tight end?

As it seems I'm out of time now, analysis to come later.

*Looking at the way FSU was manhandled, I'd say the latter...

**Another Mini Soliloquy O' Science: One Angstrom (A) is defined as one ten-billionth of a meter. For comparative purposes, most bonds between atoms are between one and two Angstroms. 

Weekend O' Upsets

And now, a series of Gregg Easterbrook-esque snippets on college football: my thoughts are far too disjointed to write an actual, cohesive narrative. Today on Second and One: Offsides, Onsides, and Suicides!

Another One Bites the Dust: Keeping with the tradition of teams from Oklahoma puffing up like dignified, defensive toads and then being simply swallowed alive, Oklahoma State (No. 5) got drop-kicked by the Houston Cougars, 45-35, as QB Case Keenum and RB Bryce Beall, in a stunning display of what might be called Kamikaze insanity by some and sheer, picture-perfect bravado by others, went for it on 4th down, followed by a interception return for a touchdown. The rest of us were surprised to know that there is a college in Houston besides Rice: the last time these guys upset anyone ranked was 1984. Shock and Awe in Stillwater! (Nifty facts courtesy of ESPN).

That'll Teach You to Jump Offsides: Anybody here ever heard of the butterfly effect? I don't mean the Ashton Kutcher movie: I mean that principle where something seemingly very small has an enormous impact on future events. The name comes from the proposition that a butterfly could flap its wings in one part of the world and eventually cause a cyclone on the other. Yesterday's case in chaos theory: the Michigan State Spartans. Battling long-time rival CMU and quarterback Dan LeFevour (who would be a star behind a West-Coast O-line)*, the Spartans threw for a touchdown approximately halfway through the fourth quarter. LeFevour and Company answered back rapidly, effortlessly pounding it into the end zone to bring the score to 27-26. In hopes of firing a shot across the bow of all of East Lansing, LeFevour decided to go for two, but an incomplete pass silenced the deuce conversion. (c/o cmuchippewas.com) Down by one, the Chips recover a textbook onside kick and roll over the Spartan secondary on quick pass plays to get into field goal range. MSU calls two time-outs to ice kicker Andrew Aguila, who shanks it wide of the uprights from 47 yards out. The stands at Spartan Stadium were poised to collapse from celebration, when someone noticed the penalty flag: MSU had jumped offsides. Now five yards closer, Aguila drilled it through with three seconds left. Everything went deathly quiet.

...If there is a more traumatic experience college football experience than this, man, I would love to hear about it. Collapsing massively because of a penalty, at home, in a game you're supposed to win? This is pretty much the football equivalent of being rabbit-punched. If one penalty now causes the momentum-sensitive Spartans suffer a mortifying collapse as they have before (known in vernacular as Spartan Syndrome), the Lorenz Butterfly has made its effect. 

While the soup is probably hitting the fan up in East Lansing, the faithful hope it is a fluke. 

"But Gosh." A dejected MSU fan later told Second and One, "I just hate losing to the directional Michigan schools."

Truly Special Special Teams, 1: The Oregon Ducks, in their ugly win over Purdue, proved that even something as simple as returning a kick can be difficult when it seems you've spent all of the off-season coloring in the playbook. Oregon committed a staggering five special teams penalties in the first half: two holding, two illegal blocks, and even roughed up the kicker for good measure. Following the fifth penalty, they finally just decided to run out of bounds on returns rather than tainting their reputation with even more violence! Who'd ever think that a team named after aquatic birds could be violent? To quote the kid from Mighty Ducks on their namesake: "They're wimpy! They don't even have teeth!"

Run up the Score, much? Yesterday certainly had its share of delicious, delicious cupcake chomping: Florida won by 50, BYU by 51**, Cal by 52, Oklahoma by 64, and Cincy by an astonishing 67 points, proving that like the Romans, football fans still like watching people get killed for fun. Bill Belichick, watching at home, rubbed his hands together and salivated greedily.

Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis love these even more than most coaches. Source: Me. I made these cupcakes. Seriously. You may now proceed to drool. And what's this? A football blogger making cupcakes? KILL THE HERETIC!

Shoot the Officials: With seconds remaining in the Purdue/Oregon contest, Purdue found themselves down by two after a failed two-point attempt, following a blocked extra point earlier in the game. Carson Wiggs attempted to onside kick, and a huge jumble ensued when approximately ten people jumped on the ball, which bounced around and popped out. It was hideous to watch, not unlike how rescue workers have to sort through wreckage following some terrible accident to untangle the bodies. I have no idea who touched the thing first. It appears Oregon touched it, but dropped it, and Purdue came up with it, or vice-versa, or something, but the officials instantly ruled Oregon had possession and, as they said for Purdue, "turn out the lights, the party's over." Why wasn't this play reviewed?

Time for a Second and One Rulebook: 

a) For an onside kick to be recoverable by the kicking team, it must travel ten yards. For all kicks, a ball is live once it travels ten yards past from where it was kicked. An onside kick is just a kick biased toward the kicking team, but it is a kick, nonetheless, and needs to go ten yards. 

b) Unless, of course, someone on the receiving team touches it.

c) However, if that player somehow loses possession of the ball, it can be recovered, just like a fumble.

This particular play raises a myriad of questions: A) did the ball go ten yards? B) If not, in the ensuing scrum, who fell on it? C) If Oregon fell on it and dropped it, as it certainly appears, isn't this a fumble? If there's the possibility of someone fumbling, shouldn't the play be reviewed to determine if anyone was actually down? I'm not saying, of course, that Purdue, with their three turnovers, didn't deserve to lose the game. But when a play is so egregiously messy that someone like me has to write concise, alphabetized premises to try and understand why it is at least half-a-dozen players are waving their hands and signaling that they recovered the ball at any given moment, it merits a closer look.

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: At OSU, USC lined up to punt in the third quarter from deep in their own territory. A botched snap flew over the punter's head and zoomed out the end zone, leading to a safety. The resulting return by the Buckeyes lead to another three points. Fail.

Taken earlier this week at the practice fields at USC, secret pictures from the inside show the Men of Troy as they practice kicking. Source: approximately everywhere on the internet.

What Clock Management? The Notre Dame-UM contest was highly anticipated. RichRod fought to not look like a weasel and Charlie Weis fought to not have his team personally condemned by the Pope if they choke another season away. Ignoring the obvious fact that both teams have no secondaries, Michigan's Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier is hot stuff right now. He's running it in, he's passing it in, he's even punting. In other news, I didn't know the Punt, Pass, and Kick contest had a 15-18 year old bracket! With three minutes left in the 4th, Charlie Weis and his Apostles, up by 3, decide they want to cement the win. What should one do in this situation? (Hint, the answer is "run and bleed the clock"). What does ND do? Run for no gain. Second down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Third down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Why are you throwing the ball? Especially when you follow it with a short, 29-yard punt, setting up Michigan with prime real estate for the two-minute drill. Forcier then forced his way into the end zone for the win.

That's all for now! Remember kids: if you think the only cupcakes and turnovers are in the bakery, you're probably asleep on Saturdays.

*LeFevour now leads the MAC in total offensive yards. MSU fans would like to keep thinking that LeFevour is simply what comes before LeSwineFlu.

**Beating a dead horse like this doesn't seem the most Christian thing to do.

And Now To the Pros...we think.

Happy Labor Day, everyone! First, blog housekeeping: I have lightened the background to charcoal grey, as several people have noted it as being significantly less contrast-y and offensive on the eyes than black. Also, now that football season is underway, I plan to update 2ndand1 at least thrice per week, work schedule permitting. Special editions, such as Playbook and Whiteboard O' Wisdom, (or anything with a title alliteratively formatted "_____ O' _____") will be really whenever I can. 

Now, to wrap up this wacky opening college weekend!

a) Did anyone see Iowa/NIU? Iowa lead by 1 at the end, and the NIU Panthers lined up to kick from 40 yards out. Iowa blocked it, as over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans sighed in relief. The officials then determined that the ball did not cross the line of scrimmage.  With one second on the clock, NIU lines up for a second, 41-yard attempt, and promptly has it blocked again. Over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans then nearly stomped Kinnick Stadium to the ground in overjoyed relief, as Kirk Ferentz narrowly avoided choking on a cupcake. For anyone who cares to read the gory details, USA Today has them up.

b) Notre Dame wins 35-0 against Nevada. According to a friend who was at said game, WR Michael Floyd had 4 catches for 189 yards and 3 td. Freaky deep passes by Jimmy Clausen. My response to this was not "holy cats!" but actually, "They have football in Nevada?"

c) With three ticks remaining before the half in the Boilers' unabashed trouncing of the Toledo Rockets, Purdue sophomore Carson Wiggs booted one between the uprights from 59 yards, breaking the record for the longest field goal at Purdue.* That's fifty-nine yards, folks, and when one actually stands on a football field and looks how far 59 yards is, it seems that Wiggs literally kicked a field goal from the state line. Unfortunately, I can't find a video of it anywhere, but take my word for it: this wasn't one of those kicks that eeks over the crossbar or doinks the uprights. Wiggs would've been good from 70 yards out. In other news, Wiggs is scheduled to next practice kicking from the concession stands, and the Boilermakers are phasing out this thing called "punting."

d) The OU Sooners had a terrible night, falling to BYU by a single point. On top of it, Sam Bradford's shoulder is demolished by a grade 2-3 sprain, leaving the Heisman winner out indefinitely, and Choklahoma's record of having the wheels flying off their covered wagon in big games intact.

***

Moving to the NFL, it was reported this morning that Chargers OLB Shawne Merriman has been accused of restraining and choking his acquaintance/friend/girlfriend, singer and reality TV star Tila Tequila. (ESPN) early this morning, meaning that, if this joke hasn't already been made ad infinitum, postseason games aren't the only thing the Chargers choke. Tequila wasn't seriously injured, and can go back to gyrating on MTV, or whatever it is she does. The story appears to be "he said-she-said": Tequila (real name: Tila Nguyen) claims she was choked and held against her will while intoxicated (obviously, too much of her namesake.) Merriman and attorneys seem to imply that Shawne was attempting to prevent Miss Nguyen-Tequila from driving drunk. Is this a miscommunication? She's a model, he's a linebacker: if it is true, isn't this excessive force?  Geez. What ever happened to taking away the bottle and then taking away the keys?

In other news, Brett Favre also finds himself in trouble after throwing a crackback block against Houston DB Eugene Wilson in the Vikings' third preseason game (AP/ESPN). In a Wildcat formation, Favre lined up as a receiver, and subsequently low-blocked Wilson around the knees. Wilson had to be taken off the field, and Favre was fined $10,000 for the cheap-shot. Seriously, Brett? I mean, seriously? And while having suspected rib fractures? With this kind of bravado (or maybe blind stupidity), maybe Favre should be running back punts. Regardless, it's not helping his image, especially because Favre has not even apologized to Wilson for steamrolling him. 

And last but not least, final player cuts are out (sportingnews): notable roster-parings include Giants WR David Tyree (who can catch anything, but not a WR position, apparently), and Vikings backup John David Booty, who loses this round of Quarterback Musical Chairs. Additionally, Joey Harrington is no longer a Saint (my wager is that he ends up back with the Lions), and Brian Russell is no longer a Sinner (for the Seahawks' secondary, that is).

And one final shoutout: My father, a great man and my favorite partner in over-the-phone, long-distance armchair quarterbacking, turns sixty years old today. Happy Birthday Dad! Thanks for putting up with my football nuttery!

Remember kids: Next weekend the NFL kicks off. No matter what your religion, thou must honor the sabbath and keep holy the first down.

*Which was 53 yards. Also set by Carson Wiggs. Darnit, this kid can kick.