Bite-Sized

I didn't have time to see many college games because I was running around like an idiot getting ready to go to Chicago, so here's a fun-sized version of our regular Kollege Kickoff feature.

Another One Bites the Dust, and We Mean, Really Bites It: Ah, fall is in full effect. The leaves are starting to change. Beer and hot-dog consumption has increased exponentially. Alabama and TCU are busy flogging opponents into a pulp. The NCAA is investigating numerous allegations, some damning and some frivolous. All seems well in college football...except, as always, for whatever funky algorithm the BCS/AP uses to calculate rankings. During week 2, Georgia Tech (#15), and #13 Virginia Tech both lost to unranked teams. In fact, the Va Tech loss was so catastrophic (or special, depending on which side you're on), that the last time a Division I-AA school knocked out a ranked IA opponent was the game where Appalacian State KOed Michigan on opening day in 2007. 

Boys will be Boys, #1: With all of the college athletes behaving badly and the numerous NCAA probes, it's important to separate the wheat from the chaff. Here is an example. Florida Gators WR Chris Rainey was arrested for aggravated stalking this past weekend. (gatorsports.com) He reportedly showed up at his on-and-off girlfriend's apartment. She told him to leave - and then he texted her profanities and a death threat. The authorities were called and he was arrested. As a result, he was booted from the team. THIS is the kind of behavior the NCAA needs to crack down on - not whether some 18-year-old, overwhelmed by responsibility and fame, shows up at a coach's house unannounced. 

This is A Gun, This is My Foot: The "messiest series of the week award" goes to Purdue offensive lineman Peters Drey, #67. During a sloppy contest with the Western Illinois (?) Leathernecks, both Drey and WIU linebacker Kyle Glazier were both flagged fifteen yards for a personal foul at the end of a play. As they walked back to the field, Drey kept jawing, and a second flag flew on #67 for the extracurriculars. At this point, the crowd began to chant "Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t" repeatedly. Then, as the next play began (and someone on the audio crew no doubt furiously fiddled with knobs and dials to mute said profanity), #67 was flagged again - this time for a false start. Announcers just cut back to the studio directly to avoid armageddon.

How college offenses regularly play at the beginning of the season. Source: multiple.

More Graduates of the Bill Belicheck School of Opponent Demoralization: Cum Laude Edition: During week 3, #4 Texas Christian, Oregon (#7), Stanford (#25), and unranked Cincy scored a combined 158 points - to a total of 27 by the opponents. It's almost as if the losers fielded their pep bands or cheerleading teams.

Boys will be Boys, #2: Georgia Bulldogs WR A. J. Green has been suspended four games...for reportedly selling an old bowl jersey on eBay. (ESPN SEC Blog). People get lesser suspensions for driving while intoxicated. While the NCAA does have rules about athletes "selling team memorabilia", as long as no malice or fraud was committed by Green, why is this even an issue? If I sold an old shirt online, nobody would blink twice. Does anyone also realize that the UGA athletic boosters sell replicas of his jersey as well? Let Green, a college kid who just wants to play football, play - and work on real problems. Both Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN's TMQ and Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post provide additional insight on the Green situation. 

Ridiculous Names of The Week:* We here at Second and One love people with ridiculous names, and football is full of them. This week's winners are MSU linebacker TyQuan Hammock - which sounds like a karate master lounging in the sun, and Florida Atlantic University linebacker Yourhighness Morgan - which is so cool that we haven't even the slightest clue how to derive a nickname from it. 

More news to follow in the morning. 

*Here I feel the need to tread lightly and note that a) despite what everyone says, the "absurd name" phenomenon is not just limited to African-American, Samoan, or Hawaiian players , or players from other countries. I'm talking about really funny names (Roethlisberger, Whisenhunt, Pendergast) that almost anyone would find really funny, including the people who have them. If anyone wants to argue the point, bring it on. And b) making fun of someone because of their name (or really anything else) is, in all honesty a pretty lousy thing to do. What we do here is for the purposes of humor and absolutely nothing else - no character assassination or subtle racism/xenophobia, because these things are unacceptable. Both my first ('M') and last name ('C') - despite what my parents believed - are completely unpronounceable by at least 75% of the general population. I've been there, and I'm not an NFL or NCAA star - I'm a midwestern girl who mixes chemicals together. Q.E.D. 

Scandal and Slander!

So it turns out that it surfaced just around draft time that several prospective draftees were asked thoroughly inappropriate questions during the combine and pre-draft interviews by the brass of several NFL teams. It's true - kids coming out of college and looking to be recruited by the pros are often asked rigorous, soul-searching questions about their backgrounds, character, philosophy, style of play, and so forth, but it was taken too far during draft week by Miami Dolphins' GM Jeff Ireland, who asked Olahoma State WR Dez Bryant (who was drafted #24 overall by the Cowboys), if his mother was a prostitute. (Miami Herald). Bryant later stated that he was "really mad." Yeah. If someone asked me something like that during a job interview, I'd gouge their eye out. Bryant's mom, Angela Bryant, was arrested for selling drugs many years ago, but is equally mad about the situation, and (for the record), is not a lady of ill repute. (USA Today)

Other dodgy questions that have arisen out of this year's little Q & A sessions at the scouting combine and beyond, listed in the order of increasing eye-gouginess:

A. Whether DT Gerald McCoy prefers to wear a G-string or a jockstrap when he plays (They apparently forgot "thong" as an option);

B. Whether DT Geno Atkins (later drafted by the Bengals) was straight or gay (Yahoo Sports; Isn't it illegal, or least highly frowned upon, to ask that?)

C. What it felt like for Florida State safety Myron Rolle (who left his team senior year to pursue a Rhodes scholarship) to "desert his team" (Since when is the pursuit of education considered treason?);

D. If Stanford's Toby Gerhart (drafted by the Vikings) felt "entitled" as a running back because of his race (the rest of us apparently are still surprised that there are white running backs).

***

There's a very interesting article over at Sports Illustrated today. A neuropsychologist from some national institute or another describes how the symptoms of frontal lobe trauma - such as that seen in accident victims and war veterans - almost exactly describe the behavioral issues that plague Ben Roethlisberger, who is now facing a six-game suspension for his inappropriate behavior (which, once we get past the Ken Starr-esque wordplay, may or may not have been sexual assault). (SI/CNN)

Head injury or head-case? Overentitled or underprotected? Source: Steelerstoday.com

Jordan Grafman (the scientist) wonders if said issues - ranging from "violations" of social rules to misinterpreting a person's intentions when it comes to intimacy - could be due to events such as motorcycle accidents and repeated concussions. According to the article, Roethlisberger is something of a professional jackass around Pittsburgh, where he's reportedly done everything from flirting with other men's wives to dining-and-dashing at local restaurants and throwing tequila on people* (sadly, I wish I was kidding). Similar violations of what is considered "polite" are also seen in persons with frontal lobe damage. Interesting stuff, although Dr (Mr.?) Grafman also wonders whether it's possible to disentangle these issues from those of a 20-something-year-old Super Bowl winner with a lot of dough and a serious entitlement complex, which, to us here at Second and One, honestly sounds like most of the Steelers. Things other Steelers have done within the past two years include: smoking lots of dope, public intoxication, public urination, harassing nightclub patrons,  beating the snot out of towel dispensers, posting pictures of their private parts on the internet, I could go on - if the SI article is true, someone please get these guys some new helmets!

***

In Bears news, legendary (now retired) running back Gale Sayers admitted, (essentially), that the Bears still suck. (Chicago Tribune) On Tuesday, Sayers took shots at everyone from Brian Urlacher to the Bears' front office. If I were Sayers, I don't think I would've maligned half the team, but the pot-shots at the Bears' upper management (whom our storekeeper Brian has described as "a bunch of people listening to Loony Tunes music while they make decisions") are probably well-merited. The funniest part about what Sayers said, actually, is reading the comments over at the Tribbie, where the most rabid of the Bears fans are currently tearing each other apart over whether or not Jay Cutler will throw less interceptions next year.

More to come in the next few days.

*Pardon my violation of the PG-13 rating, but it seems like "chew and screw" is literal in Big Ben's case.

Draft

Did anyone watch the draft this past weekend? I had the opening round on as ambient noise, from Commissioner Goodell's opening remarks, through the Giants and Jets fans going ballistic, to the Drew Brees cameo, while I fooled around in my house and played games on my computer. I didn't see the other six rounds, as one night I had to go to some kind of work function and the second night I was with a group of people who wanted to watch Avatar instead (which, despite looking silly in the previews, was actually a decent movie). I have had this entry written for about four days now, but a whole host of things at work caused me to neglect it. I was, however, sent a variety of e-mails and was reading various news sites all weekend, where I discovered that some very unexpected things happened in the 2010 draft.

What the...? The first, of course, is that Tim Tebow got drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos, whose "continually trade down" strategy seemed to confuse everyone. Of course, this climactic part of the draft came when I decided it would be a good idea to take a shower, so I was left standing there soaking wet trying to figure out what had just happened. Tim Tebow to the Broncos? Did I slip on the soap and hit my head? First of all, by drafting Tebow, I don't think the Broncos organization is showing the public that they have a lot of faith in Kyle Orton (or Brady Quinn for that matter) unless they plan to play Tebow off-position*, which seems extraordinarily unlikely. More concerning, I'm not sure Tebow's SEC-style is a good fit for the Broncos' offense, which seems to be built around short passes and trying to psych out the opponents' cornerbacks, or at least until the team totally collapses around mid-November. Nonetheless, some teams have made this work (albeit inconsistently) like the Titans, and I believe Vince Young's success last season raised Tebow's stock considerably, but more often these experiments fail hopelessly (see synonyms at "Tarvaris Jackson" and "JaMarcus Russell"). 

So Suh Me: The Lions, who have been attempting to rebuild their team since approximately the Eisenhower administration, drafted both Cal RB Jahvid Best and 307-lb Nebraska tackling machine Ndamukong Suh. Now, we here at Second and One just love people with funny names, and according to many sources, the name "Ndamukong," in some tribal language from Cameroon, means "House of Spears." Is there a cooler name for a defensive tackle than that? He might as well be called "Killer" or "I'll tear your ACL." Can you imagine this guy pounding Brett Favre or Jay Cutler into the grass? It's enough to give offensive linemen an instant stroke, if the 10 cheeseburgers they eat every day doesn't do that first. Additionally, the Lions drafted a cornerback and a defensive end, along with -wait for it- another wide receiver. 

Nevermind the obvious questions like "Is he a good fit for the Lions' defensive scheme?" or "how does he feel about living in Detroit?" - Does he really have a house of spears!? (Source: jetswit.com)

One of the great cognitive disconnects in football, to me, are the defensive backs whom, despite being total animals on the field, are the nicest guys you could possibly imagine when they're not playing football. Ndamukong Suh seems like this kind of guy. Nice and soft-spoken, and also donated several million dollars to his alma mater for a scholarship fund. How about Jonathan Vilma, who's a linebacker for the Saints, who donated tons of money to disaster relief in Haiti? Or Charles Tillman, who lobbies congress and the FDA to approve experimental heart treatments? Or my favorite, Troy Polamalu, who admits his favorite hobbies are spending time with his wife, playing the piano, and gardening? It's extremely hard to imagine someone who earns a paycheck by assaulting people for 60 minutes every Sunday coming home and re-potting begonias. 

What the...? Part 2: The Bears, in round 6, drafted Central Michigan University QB Dan LeFevour, who is best known for his MAC record-breaking run-and-gun style. Yes, read it again. The Bears had long talked about adding a veteran QB as Jay Cutler insurance, but absolutely nobody expected them to take a rookie. However, as a Bears fan, I'm rather excited about this prospect (and, if my comments were still functional, I'd probably be spammed into oblivion by pessimistic Bears fans). Here's why. 1. The Bears need QB depth. Period. Caleb Hanie hasn't taken a snap in who-knows how long and the team is one twisted ankle away of having Devin Hester try to throw the ball and run down the field to catch it. 2. I have actually seen LeFevour play several times (albeit, against my favorite college team), and the kid's really no slouch. He also started 51 straight games (an NCAA record), holds several conference passing yard records, lead the CMU Chippewas to 4 bowl games, and made my favorite college team's linebackers go absolutely insane chasing him around. Also, according to the buzzing Chicago media, LeFevour is actually a Bears fan. (chicagobreakingsports). Now, the Bears are known for having a collective draft IQ of like, four, but I actually would give them at least a B this year. They saw where talent was, and they went after it. Notable other pickups include free safety Major Wright (from Florida), defensive end Corey Wootten (Northwestern), and OT J'Marcus Webb (who is six-foot-eight, and is from West Texas A&M, wherever that is.)

And now, we conclude by listing the best, worst, and weirdest of 2010:

Best: By trading away picks, Seattle was able to acquire both former Titans power-back LenDale White and Jets RB Leon Washington. This is extremely good for the mediocre Seahawks, who are so poor at rushing (26th last season!) that I can't even name a starting running back (and I'm generally pretty good at naming the starters for many positions - even kickers.)** 

The Jaguars also play in the lamely-named Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. "Municipal Stadium?" What the heck is this, the city power plant? (Source: football.ballparks.com)

Worst: The Jacksonville Jaguars, who are suffering at QB, drafted defensive lineman Tyson Alualu (Cal) in the first round, and followed with four other defensive backs. Wouldn't it make more sense for the Jags to have taken Tim Tebow, who went to a city where there are now more quarterbacks than air molecules, and, who Second and One dryly notes, is actually from Jacksonville? The Jaguars are currently one of the weakest markets in the NFL. They sold only around 74% of their seats last year, prompting the largest profit loss of 09 and all of this talk about moving the team to Los Angeles. (ticketnews.com) Wouldn't it make sense, both morally and economically, for the Jaguars to have drafted someone who could guarantee that they'd sell out the stadium every game? 

Weirdest: The San Francisco 49ers were ranked 22nd in passing last season and a mediocre 18th in ability to score. Wouldn't it make sense to draft a quarterback? Yet, the 49ers drafted three defenders, two offensive linemen, and a tight end who admits he likes hitting people until they bleed.(sfgate.com) While this is great for a team that wants to become more physical, who are these big boys protecting? Alex Smith, who had a worse QB rating last year than both David Garrard and Vince Young, if that's possible. Wouldn't it make more sense to draft a young gunslinger?

Anyway, this concludes most of what I wanted to say about the draft. I'll hopefully be able to resume more frequent posting.

*WR? TE? Team Chaplain?

**Theirs is Olindo Mare, and no, I did not just cheat and look that up.

Still alive - Just in time for the big one!!

I apologize for the distinctive lack of posting lately. My Super Special Scientific Article (TM) will hopefully be submitted for review soon, and now I'm getting ready for important meetings and other things. But of course, I am still alive, and celebrating this most holy week(end) of football goodness with partying, eating too much, gambling, messing around with friends, staying awake until 3AM - the usual insanity.

So here we come to the end of another exciting year of NFL football. We've had everything this season. Shootouts, blackouts, shutouts, upsets, upset stomachs, drama, Oh Jesus injuries, and, as Second and One predicted earlier, two of our most unstoppable juggernauts - the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints - are now going head to head, after the championship round proved two things to us:

A) The Jets were a total fluke, proving that "run the ball and play defense" has not worked effectively since the Bears blew the Patriots out of Super Bowl XX;

B) In the contest of Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre vs. Drew Brees Drew Brees Drew Brees, the latter prevailed as the former threw a real stomach-punch of an interception at the end of the NFC championship, and effectively ripped the bowels out of the Vikings' fan-base, which seems to happen every decade or so.

Ahem. Anyway, I figured that today, instead of sitting around prognosticating about whether the Saints will be able to cover Dallas Clark or not, or whether or not the Colts' rush defense will get off the bus, that I'd try something different and make this more personal.

The Super Bowl means something different to everyone, and is generally associated with a good time. My earliest memories of such events were of the number of Big Ones the Cowboys won in the 1990s. I also remember being very young, and remembered my dad attempting to explain the rules of the sport to me. I promptly got frustrated and lost him right around the explanation of what a "first down" was, and eventually toddled off to play with action figures, or whatever I liked playing with when I was about six or seven. 

Super Bowl XXXI, where the Packers beat the Patriots. There was a lot of snow where I grew up, and a lot of Packer fans as well (the neighbors who owned the house in the back of my parents' woods even had a dog called "Packer") and my sister and I ran out into the snow before the game, content on building some kind of Packers-related snow sculpture to show our NFC pride. Once we got outside, however, there we stood, bundled up to our eyeballs, and realized we had absolutely no idea what the heck we were doing.

Practicing for future commercial endorsements, Mr. Manning and Mr. Brees practice staring awkwardly at each other. Source: dunno source, please don't sue me!

I didn't pay much attention to the Super Bowl in my teens, because I was more concerned with my "studies," (which was probably wacky MC-talk for "I was more hung up on my underdeveloped nerdishness and on chasing various members of the opposite sex"). I started paying attention to them again when I started graduate school. One of my favorite Super Bowls, of course, is when the Bears went again in 2007, and I was at my buddy Marc's house going ballistic as the Devin Hester ran back the opening kickoff. There were so many good moments: David Tyree making that amazing side-of-the-helmet catch when he played for the Giants in '08, Marc's house decked out in Steelers finery in '09, where everyone simply showed up wearing the regalia of their favorite team, regardless of whether they were playing or not- the chicken wings, the beer, the betting cards, and here were the lot of us, not caring about our races, or countries of origin, or political persuasions, yelling and screaming and waving various objects about through force of sheer passion and nothing else. Funny how that works out.

And now here we come to 2010. Whether we can even agree as to whether 2010 is the start of a new decade or not, we can all agree that this will be one heck of a game, regardless of whether the Stampede or the Scoring Machines emerge victorious. 

In honor of today's game, I've been paying attention to what people I know have been doing. One of my buddy Eric's* roommates is a die-hard Colts fan, and will no doubt come prancing out in his Joseph Addai jersey. On the NFC side, my friend Catherine (who is from New Orleans and loves her Saints perhaps more than the entirety of Bourbon Street combined) ordered a Saints-themed king cake for the occasion (Wikipedia). I am going to a party with some other scientists, and, due to conference loyalty and a host of other reasons which may or may not involve senseless Drew Brees worship players who attended the Large University Where I Work, will be rooting for the Who Dats. 

Enjoy the festivities, everyone. Recap to come in the following days. 

*Football fan and avid reader!

December is here!

Now that everyone is five times heavier and we're putting up our holiday decorations, it's time for an end-of-season Kollege Kickoff Spectacular!

Another One Bites the Dust: Really Dusty Rivalry Edition: In this weekend of hotly contested rivalry games, Georgia Tech (#7), Pitt (#9), Clemson (#18), North Carolina (#24), and Ole Miss (#25) played their arch nemeses: unranked Georgia, unranked West Virginia, unranked South Carolina, unranked NC State, and unranked Mississippi State, respectively - and all of the ranked teams lost. Despite being unranked, however, the upsetting teams are a respectable combined 33-26 this season. The BCS computer is running slightly hotter trying to crunch these numbers. Fun Fact: the largest Margin O' Upset was 17 points. The smallest was one. 

Still Not a Very Christian Thing To Do: Is Texas Christian University (#4) for real? The Horned Frogs are undefeated for the first time since 1938, and have, this season, outscored opponents by a combined 488-149. Imagine playing against a team that you know could very easily triple up on any points you score: it's the football equivalent of cutting one head off of a monster only to have three grow in its place. However, let's look at whom TCU has played this season. Three of the Horny Toads' drubbings have been against truly good teams: Clemson is 8-4. BYU is 10-2, and Utah is 9-3. Ok, maybe at 7-5, we can say that both the Air Force and Southern Methodist teams aren't terrible, despite being unranked and understated. Of the remaining teams, only Texas State (out of the FCS Southland Conference), has a winning record at 7-4. The remaining teams are a combined 22-50. The final humiliation came against the New Mexico Lobos, where TCU ended the game by scoring five unanswered touchdowns in the first 20 minutes. What is TCU trying to prove here? That they deserve a shot at the national crown? That America still believes in good Christian values like kindness, loving one's neighbor, and frantic, unsportsmanlike attempts to run up the score? That they're the FBS equivalent of a chain-gang beating up my grandmother? 

Second and One proposes a solution: Once you're ahead by 35 points, you are forced to either pull your starters or you get your backside fined for unsportsmanlike conduct. It's that simple. 

Toby Gerhart for Heisman: Against embattled Notre Dame, Stanford RB Toby Gerhart* rushed for 205 yards and 3 touchdowns - number 24, 25, and 26 this season. If we count a season as being 13 games on average, Gerhart scores an average of 14 points per game. Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Gerhart has not fumbled once this season. Even more impressive: Gerhart has never fumbled in his entire four-year tenure at Stanford. With the way this guy runs, he could run for president. Come on, Heisman People! The decision is clear!

The fan in the background has the right idea, just not the right one about graphic design. Source: AP, Paul Sakuma

Sour as a Lemon: Charlie Weis is no longer the coach of Notre Dame, after going 6-6 this season. Weis had the same record last year and a bowl win as well. However, Ron Zook is still the coach of the Fighting Illini after being below 0.500 for two consecutive years, and Rich Rodriguez is still captain of the sinking ship that is the University of Michigan Wolverines, who have had their first two consecutive losing seasons since 1963. Is 2+2 still 4?

Ridiculously Sick Play: With six minutes remaining in the first quarter, the quick-strike Cincinnati Bearcats scored again. QB Tony Pike, returning for his first start since he injured his non-throwing arm, completed a 59-yard pass to a fellow named Ben Guidugli. "Ben Gui-Who?" Readers ask. Second and One appreciates this technique: a positively epic play to a guy that not even Bearcats purists have heard of. Guidugli is a back-up tight end whom, at six feet even, doesn't appear to even be built to play tight end, but comes out to block when Cincy runs the spread. On the day, Guidugli had 2 TDs and 149 receiving yards. During the game, he was frequently in motion, or stayed in a semi-upright stance behind the line, confusing Illini defenders as to whether he would stay and block or be split wide. Perhaps most baffling to Second and One was that he wore #19, which is not a number normally reserved for his position. The Bearcats' other tight end wears #8. No wonder nobody could get these guys' numbers, including Illinois! In other news, Cincinnati's QB also plays center, their linebackers return kicks and their kicker is a cornerback, and Brian Kelly can bend spoons with his mind.

Confucius says: Six touchdowns by Cincy QB constitutes being impaled on Pike. Source: AP, David Kohl.

Sour as Spoilt Milk: In the annual Alabama/Auburn contest, the Iron Bowl, the Auburn Tigers came into the 4th quarter with a one-point lead, an onside kick touchdown, and tons of momentum. They were geared for the upset of the millenium. With nine minutes left until the curtain fell, Auburn punted to the Crimson Tide, who needed seven to remain undefeated - and promptly called two timeouts five seconds apart, effectively setting the Tide up to score, which they did. With the ball on their own 25-yard line and 1.5 minutes remaining, the Paper Tigers' next four offensive decisions were: incomplete pass, 9 yard pass, 4 yard run, false start. After this, Auburn returned to the run, and effectively ran their own team out of time! Did everyone simply lose the ability to see downfield? Does "Hail Mary" constitute unforgivable iconoclasm? Did Gene Chizik suddenly forget that the forward pass is now legal? Good Heavens! 

No, Really: Toby Gerhart for Heisman: In the 4th quarter, Toby Gerhart also had a passing touchdown, from 18 yards out. In addition to this, Gerhart plays outfielder for Stanford's baseball team, and also took 21 credits at Stanford University this fall, including a fluff course called "calculus," whatever that is. Come on, Heisman People! Tim Tebow needs another one like a hole in the head! Although, I think Tebow maybe did get a hole in the head earlier this season, so maybe I shouldn't make this joke.

Sour as Battery Acid: As it comes to pass, it appears the Michigan State Spartans are unequivocally shafted, should they play in the Insight or Alamo Bowl. After the frat brawl that resulted in the dismissal of two players last week, woeful coach Mark Dantonio has suspended eight more from all team activities, (ESPN, Big Ten Blog) including three wide receivers (two of which started this fall), a running back, and a cornerback (both of whom also played this past fall.) Now without another starting running back and a free safety, I say at this point MSU might as well just go all out and suspend any hopes of winning around Christmastime as well. 

That's all for now!

*I realize I have been misspelling his name as "Gerhardt" all season long. Toby, if you ever read this, I'm sorry!

Week 10 Wackiness

I won't lie. I've got the worst case of writers' block imaginable. After yet another agonizing week of diminishing returns at work, I'm exhausted. So this will be yet another lite version of Second and One.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! This week's category is biased, because both the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Scoring Machines were up against two teams with a combined record of 2-14. Brett Favre, in his 300th NFL start, passed for an astonishing 20/29, 344 yards, and one score. Fun Fact: Over 200 yards of this pass-a-palooza were caught by Sidney Rice. However, we must remember that this was against the Lions. Despite rare flashes of brilliance, the Lions are sidelined by injuries, rookies, and a kind of timidity that manifests itself in surrendering points and outright lack of intensity. I honestly think at this point that cabbage looks more menacing than the Big Losing Cats. 

While nothing out of the NFC west looks promising (the entire division is a combined 14-22) the Rams look better a lot better than the Lions - of course they do, they beat them in week 8. Against Breesus and his Apostles,* the Rams put forth amazing effort and hung tight, likely aided by injuries on the Saints' defense (such as safety Darren Sharper, who can intercept everything but telegrams from spies), and problems up front (to possibly compensate for these injuries, the Saints stacked the box. RB Steven Jackson got out of the box). The end result? Drew Brees had to overcompensate yet again, finding the end zone twice and pushing NO to its first 9-0 start...ever. Plus: I love this new commercial for the Play60 program. (NFL) Drew Brees' #1 wideout? President Obama. Ergo, despite throwing two picks on Sunday, Brees wins this category because of this alone. On the new Second and One Assignment O' Awesomeness, where one is a kiss from your mom and 10 would be the offspring of Jackie Chan and Megan Fox killing zombies with a diamond-studded chainsaw, this is at least a 149.

Ridiculously Sick Series of Ridiculously Sick Plays: Sometimes, football is predictable. One watching says "ok, that's a run." "Ok, that's a deep pass." "Ok, they're going to fade to the corner of the end zone." "Ok. The Washington Redskins are kicking a field goal...or are they?" Against the Broncos, the Redskins didn't have much to work with. RB Clinton Portis was out with a concussion. Kyle Orton was dismembering the 'Skins secondary, who appeared to have Deer-in-the-Headlitis. It just wasn't looking good. Washington was down by 7, 4th and 20, with under 7 minutes in the second, and lined up to try a fire-drill of field goal to cut the differential before slogging into the locker room. They attempted a fake, but had to call a time out mid-execution because they only had ten men on the field! It looked laughably, hideously bad - and their secret was exposed to Denver. 

Senator Vreenak could tell us that it was a fake, too! Source: Jordanhoffman.com; Paramount Pictures. A Trek reference in a football blog? KILL THE HERETIC!

As red in the face as their goofy namesake, Washington then trots the punt team onto the field. The Broncos appeared confident that they had sniffed out a rat...but Washington promptly ran the exact same fake again, and punter Hunter Smith heaved the ball to Mike Sellers - straight into the endzone, and the only kicking the 'Skins did on this drive was the XP! (Highlights c/o NFL.com) This series is a rarity in that it is like a witty sitcom - it is both incredibly stupid and incredibly smart at the same time! Nice work, 'Skins!

Shakin' Things Up! Oh, the Browns. After a bye week that involved a quarterback change and people getting fired, they came out and embarrassed themselves, at home, on Monday Night Football, against the Baltimore Ravens. 

I will start by saying this. The Blackbirds' offense looks generally dreadful lately. They've lost four of their past five games. Joe Flacco was held to just 155 yards in the air. Kicker Steve Hauschka missed another field goal - his fourth of the season - and another extra point, and was promptly fired (keep in mind they cut their other kicker, Matt Stover, who returns to see the Ravens again on Sunday - he's playing in Indianapolis.) Both teams looked so awful that it was the first NFL game of the season that was scoreless at the entr'acte. 

Chop blocks and laying around? Maybe he'd be better on defense. Source: Joshua Gunter, the Plain Dealer.

But what of the Browns? Sure, they have Josh Cribbs, but he's now injured and any smidge of offense is crippled by overly-conservative, low-impact play calling (apparently "going deep" is too risque a concept for television). They suffer at wide receiver, and RB Jamal Lewis plans on retiring soon. They score so infrequently that most of the team probably could not locate the goal line on a map of a football field. And then Brady Quinn throws a block that has now sidelined Ravens' LB Terrell Suggs - for his first time in seven years. And Quinn won't even say how much the league fined him for his idiocy. What in God's Great Galaxy is wrong with the Cleveland Browns?

The news in Cleveland is that LeBron James - the star of the only team worth following in Cleveland (the Cavaliers) - would like to play football. (ESPN) And Browns Coach Eric Mangini is thinking about it. And you know, if I were Mangini, I might be thinking about it. The Browns, quite frankly, suck harder than an open window on a space flight,** and James was an all-pro wideout in high school. Ignoring the logistics of what would happen to the Cavaliers (for now), I say go for it. Other teams have shaken things up and gotten results. The Buccaneers were blowing harder than a wind tunnel, started Freeman at QB, and beat the Packers. The Titans were biting harder than Mike Tyson, started Vince Young, and have won their last 3. You're 1-8. What have you got to lose?

Amusing Announcing: Returning from the halftime break, Fox announcers read off a list of injured Detroit Lions - a few injured in the first half against the Vikes - and then quipped, "The Detroit sideline looks like a bad episode of House." In the third quarter of the Patriots/Colts skirmish, NBC announcers watched Peyton Manning pitch the pigskin at approximately the speed of sound, and then quipped, "That was a Halley's Comet. You only see that once every seventy-five years." And an unknown college announcer stated after a missed field goal, "Shank you very much." Keep the clever calls coming, commentators!

Is This Why You Go For It?: While we're talking about the Patriots and Colts, everyone is talking about Bill Belichick's decisive call to have the Patriots go for it while 4th and 2 on their own 28-yard line. I'll give the short summary in case people did not see the game. They were ahead. They went for it. They didn't convert by about three inches. The Colts, off the ensuing turnover on downs, scored and won by a single point, and the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium just about blew off. Time for my opinion: regardless of whether it was smart decision making, stupid decision making, blind arrogance, or just plain madness: it was the right call. The Indy defense had a hard time stopping the Patriots, but the Pats' defense obviously could not corral the Colts, despite the latter's slow start and Manning's two interceptions. Of course, anything could have happened had the Patriots punted. The Indy Stampede could have run the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. The kickoff could have been fumbled. There could have been an interception.  A bogus penalty. Pass interference. Extracurriculars. An earthquake. Heck, Joseph Addai could have held onto the ball for the remaining two minutes and made all of this speculation moot. Whatever. Belichick gambled - and sometimes, when you gamble, you lose. But when your defense is on the ropes, the absolute last thing you want to do is give the ball to Peyton Manning, who threw for 327 yards and four touchdowns. 

If anything, the problem was the way the Patriots ran the fateful play. A short flank pass to Kevin Faulk? Come on. Run that puppy up the gut!

I would have better luck starting Captain Morgan at tight end. Or maybe Mickey Mouse. Or Betty Crocker. Or your mom. Source: Getty Images.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Addai. Rice. The Ravens' defense. Wes Welker. A third consecutive nucleophilic attack! The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are mounting a comeback that rivals the Chargers here, folks! 

The one sour spot? I blew it at tight end. I opted to start Visanthe Shiancoe, employing the oft-effective "whoever plays the Lions" rule, and he stood around like shrubbery for the entire game, while Brent Celek continued his trend of scoring, celebrating in the end zone, and making both his opponents (and yours truly) completely miserable. 

In other news, the Earth revolves around the sun, and I am putting this into the Undeniable Facts of Life category: Death, Taxes, Inflation, Adultery, Buttered Bread Always Landing Buttered-Side-Down, and Having One Position On Your Fantasy Team That You Always @#$& up with.

Tomorrow is my favorite college team's biggest rivalry game, and I'm really looking forward to it. More news to come after!

*I must give credit where credit is due: the reference is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

**As the trend appears to be one of borrowing tonight, I will thank my buddy Eric, a fellow football nut and avid reader, for the silly simile!

An Open Letter to The Chicago Bears Organization

There will be no picks this week - Second and One deserves a bye week too and saw enough picks on Thursday night. Kollege Kickoff and news will continue as usual. But first, I felt the need to write this.

***

To the Chicago Bears Organization:

You guys are killing me this season. 

I mean, you're absolutely, unconscionably killing me. During the past five games, four of which have been atrocious, heartbreaking defeats, I sat, in my loyalty, wearing my Devin Hester jersey and color-matching everything down to my shoes. And as these games progressed, I became surrounded by all forms of coronary-clogging junk food, grievously and painfully wide-eyed over what my beloved Monsters of the Midway have become. A disaster.

First, I would like to know who is calling your plays these days. Mickey Mouse? Bozo the Clown? What made you think that, against the San Francisco 49ers, the 4th-ranked rush defense in the whole National Football League,  you could run poor Matt Forte into the line, again and again, without even learning how to block properly for him? Excluding the outliers, Forte had 1.3 yards per rushing attempt. If I drive my car repeatedly into a cinderblock wall, sure, I might eventually drive through it - but at great cost to everyone involved. You are going to hurt this kid. What ever happened to running outside? What ever happened to end-arounds and reverses? Heck, if you're going to be so conservative, what ever happened to the two tight-end set, for that matter? Watch some Colts tapes! Watch some Steelers tapes! Watch some Saints tapes! When are you guys going to chuck this playbook out the window and grow some sophistication? 

Why are you still holding onto this traditionalism that results in choking in the clutch? Why, in heaven and earth, after an entire, 80+ yard drive sustained to its end by Jay Cutler and Greg Olsen, did you take the latter - whom even aliens on Uranus could tell you is your best red zone target - out of the huddle, and substitute in third-stringer Kellen Davis, who had absolutely zero chemistry with Cutler when he ran into a sea of niners in the red zone? And later in the game, after a similarly boneheaded play, when Olsen went ballistic on the sidelines, why didn't you find out exactly what the outburst was about?

Second, this debacle is not entirely Jay Cutler's fault, and the Chicago Press and your higher-ups should be absolutely ashamed of themselves in piling the blame on him. Before everyone jumps on the bandwagon in crying for your quarterback's blood, remember that you are putting him in the situation to screw up like this. You have put him amidst a milquetoast receiving corps and an aging, ineffectual offensive line, and expected him to play Messiah. Jesus needs Apostles, people! Against Cleveland, arguably one of the worst defenses in the entire league, he was sacked four - count 'em - four times, and this is inexcusable. And if your line can't block, also remember this: forcing your quarterback to run backwards ten yards (just to avoid being creamed) and then pass forward for five still results in going backwards and leaves untold room for error. 

So let's talk about error. I will invoke my unified field theory of life: @$#% happens! Quarterbacks, especially younger quarterbacks, are human, like everyone else, and screw up. At least two of Thursday's interceptions weren't even Jay's fault. Receivers trip and fall down. Receivers have to alter their routes slightly to avoid running into the umpire. Receivers are unfairly interfered with and sometimes flags don't get called. And people have bad games. Eli Manning threw three interceptions against Arizona. Drew Brees, the MVP of the NFC, threw three against Miami and fumbled in the same game. Heck, while we're talking about the Cardinals, Kurt Warner threw five picks against the Panthers, and while we're talking about the Panthers, absolutely nobody knew why Jake Delhomme still had a job after the playoffs and the first third of the season. But no! you cry, He's a careless young gun who throws lots of INTs! I am thinking now of another "careless young gun" who lead the league in INTs - and is now going down in history as one of the greatest QBs to ever play the position. That's right. Brett Favre. Sure, putting the two in the same category is unfair comparison. But with time, and a coach who understands the psychology and basic field requirements necessary for good quarterbacking, we could have quite the turnaround.

Third: That's right. Coaching. I think Lovie Smith is a nice guy. I really do. But I think he's no longer right for this position. He's 20-21 since the Superbowl. The "love your players" approach is cute, but it's just not what you guys need. The lack of good coaching comes across strongly in two categories. First, you guys are sorely lacking in intensity on both sides of the ball. There are teams in the league that are permanently stuck in Two-Minute-Drill Mode (see details at "Carson Palmer et al."). There are teams in the league that play with an emotional fervor that borders on certifiable insanity (eg. New Orleans). And here you are, with conservative play calling, poor clock management, and a defense that is confused more oft than not. The intensity required for football is raw and primal; this is war. This is a brutal, zealous, male-initiation ritual that separates victor from subjugated loser! If you are on offense, you get out there and bury your opponent so deep that they never recover. If you're ahead by 14, play like you want to be ahead by 28. If you are on defense, your job is to make the opponent completely miserable. And there you have, in plays were Larry Fitzgerald and Chad Ochocinco are making beelines for your goal-line, at least one gentleman standing around doing nothing. 

This lack of coaching also comes across as lack of discipline. No team should have more than ten penalties per game. No team should have two delay of game flags when trying to score! No team should have a player ejected - Ever. Your front seven is a veritable false-start party, and your special teams garner more flags than the United Nations! A good coach gathers his players before a game and says "Guys, if you foul this up - figuratively and literally - there will be damnation to pay. Now settle down, breathe deeply, and get out there and do what you are paid millions of dollars to do - win. You are the Chicago Bears, darn it - start acting like them!" Either get some coaches who can enforce discipline, or get some more disciplined players.

Fourth: With this train-wreck in full effect, I can't help but wonder about your upper management after years of financial blundering, poor drafting, and outright stupidity. Are Jerry Angelo and Virginia McCaskey even Bears fans? Comfortable in their press-boxes and high society, do they have any clue whatsoever what it means to be a real Bears fan? I will tell you all what this is about. Chicago Bears: you are my team. You are my family's team and my father's team. I grew up watching him screaming at his television and couldn't figure out what it was about until I was a teenager. I then began to scream with him. I have made the pilgrimages to Soldier Field. I have gone to the bars and diners full of hopeful fans. I gone to watch you in both your finest fall form and your sloppiest December doldrums. I've cheered my heart out. I've cried my eyes out. Has your management ever worn team paraphernalia to serious meetings at work, prompting their bosses to ask "what, no eye black?" Has your management ever not slept after a yet another crushing loss? And I could do it another way. I could put on all the Packers gear in the universe and pretend to be a Cheesehead, but at the end of the day, I would be back in my head, in my friend's house, in February of 2007, watching Devin Hester run back the opening kickoff of the Superbowl - and it wouldn't feel right. Pride and Joy of Illinois? What is this?! Think about what you've done to your team. Think about what you've done to your fans!

In dire times such as this, we can do naught but reminisce. Source: Sports Illustrated, CNN.

And Bears fans do two things when times are lousy. We either say "well, it could be worse, we could be the [insert name of team with positively abysmal record here]." And you're going to let us settle for this kind of mediocre, destructive, uninspiring sport that makes us think this way? Alternatively, we think, "well, we won in 1986" and start dropping names like Bear wideouts drop passes: Butkus, Ditka, Payton, McMahon, the Fridge, Da '85 Defense. This doesn't matter! Only delusional people see clouds in silver linings, and only fools cling to the past. It is 2009.

But how about the young Bears fans? How about these kids in their late teens and 20s, the sons and daughters of those who watched the triumph of '86? When the Bears won Super Bowl XX, they did not exist. They were not alive to see this greatness everyone talked about, and these memories are meaningless. They have never known the feeling of waking up on a day when everything in their lives is going wrong, but could still say "Good heavens, at least the Bears are great!" if nothing else!

Sure, there's a lot of football left, and if you stage a fierce December comeback, I will respectfully eat my words and wash them down with half of Lake Michigan. But you're heading into a tough schedule. Eagles. Vikings. Packers. It's not looking good. Turn things around. Overhaul your playbook. Change some personnel. Mix things up. Find some leadership. It will be ugly. It will be hard. There will be blowouts. There will be barn-burners. There will be outrage. But you can do it. Remind us of that greatness. Remind us why it is, despite the heartbreak and the frustrations, that we still love the Chicago Bears.

And as always, Bear Down!!

Signed,

MC

Founder and Blogger

Second and One

November 15th, 2009

Week 4, as Promised.

This is the only time the Bears will be mentioned in this entry. There. Now that I've gotten it out of my system, I find it worth mentioning that first, I am four-for-four on last week's picks, and overall, 6.5/8.*

Without further ado, it's been a big week for news in the NFL.

***

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Despite his positively explosive start against Philadelphia and Detroit, Drew Brees has not thrown a touchdown pass in two weeks. Nonetheless, the New Orleans Scoring Machines continue to put up impressive stats as Pierre Thomas and ilk run all over opponents. Is it a dual run-pass threat (that makes the Saints very scary indeed), or is everyone so scared of Brees that the Pass Coverage Machine has been proverbially cranked up to eleven?

On the other hand, Brett Favre, with the completion of a very over-hyped Monday Night Football contest that drew the largest cable TV audience ever (ESPN), has now defeated every team in the league. Sports anchors everywhere touted Favre as the greatest quarterback ever! It's a Monday Night Favregasm! Favre-lous! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Favre has bested Aaron Rodgers in a revenge game! Poor, emo, sulktastic Aaron, always second behind BRETT FAVRE, who is almost 15 years older!

Not to editorialize, but the problem in Monday's game was NOT Aaron Rodgers. Statistically speaking, Rodgers outgained Favre in many categories. Favre threw for 271 yards, Rodgers for an astonishing 384, and Rodgers ran 16 yards compared to Favre's -2. On the season, Rodgers has thrown for over 200 yards more than his former teammate, and only has a QB rating of 3.6 points lower. 

After taking a pounding from the Vikes' D-line, Rodgers will spend his bye week sitting in Jake Delhomme-esque poses and alternating between in the Jacuzzi and in traction. Source: Newscom.

Where the Packers were deficient was on offensive line. Missing starting left tackle Chad Clifton, the O-line, including left guard Daryn Colledge, tried desperately to overcompensate and threw incomplete blocks. The line generally found itself unable to finish plays properly, and, in making these (temporally) short blocks, folded like a lawn chair repeatedly on passing downs. Rodgers was sacked eight times, 4.5 times alone by defensive hyper-end Jarred Allen. Favre, meanwhile, had the Great Wall of China in front of him. Whilst his monstrous O-line engaged the defenders (who were unable to get to him once), Favre found enough time to do anything he wanted to, including picking apart the Pack's secondary, answering his fan-mail, and crocheting several doilies. 

Keep in mind now that despite being folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield, Rodgers still managed to throw for almost 400 yards. Statistically speaking, who is the better quarterback?

This is Why You Go For It: In a dead heat between two Ohio teams, the Browns and Bengals were tied in overtime at 20-20 in a shootout.  The Bengals were 4th and 11 on the Cleveland 41, with only 1:04 left. Coach Lewis was content to punt for the tie, but Carson Palmer went ballistic on the sidelines, begging him to go for it, and on 4th down, he scrambled from the shotgun 15 yards for the first down, and a 31-yard field goal gave Cincinnati the win, as they moved to 3-1. Carson Palmer: Niiiiiice move. Coach Lewis: "Punt for the tie!?" What kind of psychology is this? You never settle for a tie. You try and win the game!! This is the same kind of poor, demoralizing coaching that gives rise to "kicking the field goal just to reduce the margin of defeat." What next? Running off the field squealing in admission of a loss? Unfortunately, I think this sort of psychology may bode ill for the Bengals in the future, unless Palmer has anything to say about it. 

Football/Politics Crossover: There has been a lot of gossip around the league about the ownership of the St. Louis Rams. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh announced Tuesday that he would be interested in going halvsies on the failing franchise with Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues.(The 670 Score) Second and One promises to always remain apolitical, as sports and politics are best not kept too close to each other (like politics and religion) but I am (editorializing again) not sure if this is a good idea just due to the polarization it will create amongst Rams players and fans alone. There is enough controversy in the league already over everything ranging from equipment sponsorships to Braylon Edwards' jibber-jabber with LeBron James. Some boiler-room discussion (for those who enjoy this sort of debate) can be found here. (St. Louis Today).

Or it could be terribly amusing. If Limbaugh buys the team, in addition to continued losing, we might get to see:

An increase in rush plays, exclusively to the right;

Tickets being sold only to the wealthiest 10% of the general public;

QB Marc Bulger interjecting mandatory Clinton-bashing into all postgame press-conferences;

And a new ability to purchase to purchase oxycontin at concession stands!

Amusing Announcing: During Monday night's Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre, the announcers screwed up multiple players' names, referring to kicker Mason Crosby as both "Nason Crosby" and "Sidney Crosby"**, the latter a combination of Crosby's name and that of Rookie Vikes WR Sidney Rice. In addition, Packers TE Jermichael Finley's first name was stumbled over repeatedly until he was eventually called "JaMarcus Finley." Second and One is awaiting the call from Jermichael Russell out in Oakland. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: As both Knox and Hester were injured early Sunday, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, suffered terribly at WR. Additionally, because I was playing that one guy who had Philip Rivers the week that Philip Rivers went all PHILIP RIVERS, the 'Nukes were handed their worst defeat of the season. I'm hoping to recover this week, following the "Start whoever plays Detroit/St. Louis/Kansas City/Tampa" rule, employing Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker (a gamble), and Sidney Rice (picked up on waivers), who not only looks to be breaking out as a receiver, but who also recovered two onside kicks on Monday Night.

Still nagging at me is the tight end decision. I had Kevin Boss in for Brent Celek on the bye week. Brent Celek has been burning up the scoreboard this season, as he is a favorite target of Eagles' backup Kevin Kolb. Statistically, I have been sitting on the league's best receiving tight end and didn't know it until this morning! However, as Donovan McRibb likely returns this week, nobody is sure whether he'll give a sniff to Celek, despite the latter's ability to score. Boss, on the other hand, may get more than his share of touches against an anemic Raiders defense. Ah, too many important decisions. 

And that's all for now. Remember kids: if you can't come up with anything witty to say, why even include this blurb? 

*The extra half-point is for calling the Pitt/Cincy skirmish "closer than one might think," despite getting the outcome wrong.

**Both brothers of Bing Crosby, apparently.

Just when you think it's over...

Yep. Honestly, I can't say I saw this coming, but it was reported today that Brett Favre, the league's favorite drama queen, has signed with the Minnesota Vikings for 12 million dollars this year. (ESPN) Wow. Odds are, all of Green Bay is now a lynch mob, Peter King fainted, the Jets turned the other way, and the rest of the NFC (yes, even us Bears fans) are now hoping he gets injured so under-practiced quarterbacks will make for easier victories. 

Myself? I was at work when a colleague broke the news to me, and my resulting shouting and gesticulating nearly caused me to drop a jug of nasty solvent that could have easily gassed everyone in the county. Apparently the Vikes made quite a show of it too, flying Favre and his wife to Minneapolis, where he donned his traditional #4 for practice to the cheers of loyal fans. So, I will editorialize. Honestly, I think this whole thing will damage Favre's reputation. The Vikings, of course, are so desperate to not choke away a fifth Superbowl, that I don't think Brad Childress cares much beyond this superficial level and whether or not the Metrodome is still standing. But consider this.

This guy has been compared to everything from gum on one's shoe to bronchitis (neither of which will just go away quietly). He has a revolving door on his retirement: he's in, he's out, he's in, he's out; this "drama queen factor" makes it difficult to take anything he does seriously, just like how most reasonable people don't believe that the characters on soap operas are real. He's gotten a lot of people scratching their chins, and a few more banging their heads into the wall. I think he pissed off at least half of New York (and probably all of New Jersey) by finishing 1-4. The Jets, pre-Favre, under Eric Mangini - were a bigger pile of toxic waste than Love Canal, and Favre gave them postseason hope. Following a series of injuries, the show promptly went from blockbuster to lackluster, with Favre tossing interceptions and ending with a passer rating of just under 60. 

On top of it, the entire state of Wisconsin hates him for what amounts to sports club divorce. I wonder if Favre has any respect for the Packers at all. To think, the heads of the organization could have paid him a boatload of cash to simply be their spokesperson for the next N years. He would've shook hands, signed autographs, and had his face plastered all over all sorts of memorabilia, but (to play the devil's advocate) what would he have done in the downtime? Played golf? Sat at home and watched the games on Sunday and wished he were still in the pocket? So why does he do it? He doesn't need the money. It's dopamine. As I mentioned earlier, this man is addicted to playing football, plain and simple, and re-acclimating to polite society, (you know, where you're not being chased by by a 22-year-old cornerback who wants nothing more than to plant you so deep in the turf that only your cleats stick up) is analogous with soldiers coming back from the war. He just wants to keep fighting.

Now, the Vikings. The Vikings are not a terrible team. They made the playoffs last year. They tore up the floundering Indianapolis Colts in Indy in their opening exhibition game. They drafted John David Booty (USC, he absolutely embarrassed UofMichigan in the Rose Bowl in 2007), who could help further offensive rebuilding. But no, they want to be part of the Favre legacy, and instead choose to trivialize Tarvaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte, and take away Booty's jersey number (he's now #9, which is probably an accurate description of where he'll be in the lineups from now on) so Favre could stay number 4. Disrespectful.

***

In other football news, Rex Grossman (formerly known as the Bears' Sex Cannon) has injured his hamstring in the exhibition game against the Chiefs [which I read as "goofing around with the Houston Texans" (670 score)] and will be out for 4-5 weeks. Man, with the way Grossman screwed up with the Bears, I'm not sure if the Texans should be worried or relieved. Oh wait. Their backup is Dan Orlovsky. This can only end in hilarity.

***

A couple days ago, I took one of those online "personality tests" when I was bored at work. I don't remember exactly what type I am (and maybe the details aren't important), but I'm proud to say that test tells me, in true 2ndand1 fashion, that Peyton Manning and I have the same personality type.

Remember kids: Safety is important. Otherwise you have no secondary.

Counting your Cards?

What a great NFC Championship game: as a friend of mine remarked last night, "...Who the heck are the Cardinals?!?!?!?!" I mentioned earlier that I love these sorts of "Cinderalla" stories, and the Group from Glendale's rise to dominance is a true Scrapyard-to-Boulevard tale. This is a team that looked absolutely dreadful during most of the season, losing by 21 points to the Vikings and Jets, by 28 to the Eagles, and 40 to the Patriots. In other words, they've had their feathered tails kicked up and down the field. I'm surprised Kurt Warner can even stand upright for the number of times he's been folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield. And now, by some inexplicable twist of fate, Ken Whisenhunt's Deck o' 'Cards are advancing to Super Bowl 43 and the entire state of Arizona is higher than Ricky Williams on a Friday night! 

Also, in addition to the head coach having a funny name, their defensive coordinator's name is Clancy Pendergast. Two outrageously funny names in the Superbowl?* Amazing. Whisenhunt and Pendergast. It sounds like a law firm. Or something from a Dr. Seuss book. Pendergast. That sounds like how the Eagles' defense was feeling after Kurt Warner's 4th touchdown. 

Speaking of Kurt Warner, Second and One affords Kurt Warner, JJ Arrington, and Larry Fitzgerald the Single Best Play of the Postseason award. At the beginning of the 2nd quarter, Warner pitched to Arrington, who was seemingly covered on all sides. Arrington ran outside, and heaved it back to Warner, who then connected with Fitzgerald on the deep route for 62 yards and the touchdown. This was, of course, continuing the extremely enjoyable Warner/Fitzgerald show, which resulted in one of the greatest accumulations of fantasy points I have ever seen for any given QB and WR (70 or thereabouts).

The obvious question to ask here is "What happened to the Eagles?"; my answer is that I think they were dead on arrival. Despite sparks of brilliance in the third quarter, McNabb had chemistry issues with receivers, often simply not connecting. Of course, it doesn't help Philly's cause that Arizona's D looked none too shabby, mixing up their jumpy, swampy zone coverage with solid man-to-man defense. And Arizona had the momentum. These guys have not won a championship game since before my father was born. Heck, coming from Chicago, even they were probably feeling residuals of the Cubs' legendary curse. And one could tell it; this Cardinal team is so unbelievably stoked about winning a trip to the Big One. Contrarily, for the Steelers, this is almost par for the course to the point where they didn't even have the thirty tons of confetti at Heinz Field. I could imagine someone in the Steelers organization saying in an uptight British accent "Ah yes, we've won another one, haven't we?" as compared to the Cardinals' fans, reduced to tears and unintelligible screams of glee. 

***

The AFC Championship game was honestly to be expected. Joe Flacco is a rookie, and rookies make rookie mistakes. Baltimore committed several tactical errors, including punting on 4th down past midfield, in a championship game, when down by 13. This game also had several notable casualties, including Hines Ward and the very talented Willis McGahee.

I've watched a lot of football, and it is my opinion that some teams, as a whole, have very sophisticated offenses (In college, people will sometimes refer to such offenses as "West Coast-ish" or "SEC-style"). Same goes for the NFL. There are teams that are bright on offense and teams that just aren't. The Giants (despite the Earth, Wind, and Fire hullaballoo and all of their magnetic razzle-dazzle), in my opinion, did not have a sophisticated offense this year. Instead, most of their offensive effort became focused on "aw, #$*&%, how do we convert yet another unlikely third down with Eli Manning?"-type scenarios." The Chicago Bears' offense also isn't particularly brilliant, consisting of a) running Matt Forte repeatedly into the line, and b) chucking it 6o yards downfield and hoping that they either hit someone on their team or draw a pass interference flag. The Baltimore ravens did not have a sophisticated offense, just a sophisticated defense. And absolutely nothing about Detroit was sophisticated. 

By contrast, Miami had a pretty sophisticated offense, interspersing their routine with wacky wildcat formations that seemed ripped right out of Friday Night Lights. They simply sputtered in their execution. Now the Steelers. There is a sophisticated offense. I can't help but notice that the Steelers have some very interesting offensive formations. One of my favorites is the 3 tight end set (There is an excellent analysis of this formation c/o Dagger over at Post Game Heroes, despite it being a little dated; Jerame Tuman is a Cardinal now). For those who don't wish to read the whole thing in its glossy, full-color glory, there are many uses for three tight ends. Two tight ends can be lined up to make a super strong side** whilst a third lines up at fullback, etc. But one of the best is for massive fakeouts that appear to be best for critical short-yardage situations. 

One lines up two tight ends, you know, where tight ends usually line up, and sticks a third several yards back; a handoff is faked to a running back while all three TEs initially attempt to throw blocks. Then, one of the ends on the line begins to sneak outside. As the defense becomes spread out, defenders realize "Aw shucks, this ain't a running play!" and begin chasing everyone, predominantly the outside end, thinking this is where the ball is going to end up. Meanwhile, the third, back-set TE (who initially served to draw defenders away from the RB and the other TE) takes off and gets enough real estate that the QB can find him. I'm sure it's maddening to try and defend against. 

***

Anyway, will the betting on the Cards result in a win? Stay tuned for more analysis. And remember kids: if at first you don't succeed, running back punts is not for you.

*As a general rule, coaches with funny names are never in the Superbowl. Thinking back, in recent memory, we've had Dungy, Smith, Coughlin, Belicheck, Gruden, etc. Tomlin fits in there nicely, but Whisenhunt?

** Clarifications for those who don't know; in those more traditional (i.e., non-Steeleresque) offensive formations, the "strong side" of the line refers to the side with the TE. 

Nuttery

Over at SportsbyBrooks, there's a bit of a buzz about the misbehavior of some Giants fans (Warning: some of the comments on the page aren't safe for work or young'uns). In brief, these people, apparently enraged that the Giants lost (and possibly under the influence of various exogenous chemicals) went on a rampage, trashing cars through the parking lot.

I was writing about fans behaving badly several days ago in sweeping generalizations, but honestly, I didn't know how far some of this has gone. Perhaps I am frightfully naive (or at least was today), but generally, when I go to games, people are civil. Of the 10% of the less-than-savory types, the breakdown (in my opinion) is as follows:

a) Angry drunk people whom, aside from yelling out a Carlin-esque litany of filth, are harmless (4%)

b) Kids, perenially up to no good (2%)

c) Creepy guys making the moves on girls born in 1988 or thereabouts (2%);

d) People in front of you who just won't sit down, no matter how much you yell at them (1.5%)

I suppose the remaining 0.5% would include the people mentioned above. See, for the most part, everyone's just around to enjoy a game, regardless of the outcome. I went up to Chicago last December to see the Bears play Jacksonville, and, after the game, a group of Bears fans (myself included) were joking and shaking hands with a group of (misguided as they may be!) Jaguars fans. Awww. How cute.

Do I occasionally get ridiculously mad about the outcome of games, including reaching the "nearly having a stroke in the stadium" stage? Of course. Have I screamed, cried, and been outright unpleasant for days because of bogus penalties/last-second field goals/egregiously bad play-calling? Of course. Would I once and a while like to see certain fans, or certain players leap off of Hoover Dam?* Who doesn't? But these folks in New York? Whoever you are: you're a disgrace to the sport. Really.

Sometimes I think that it would be funny if the NFL started running commercials about the value of sportsmanship, not unlike most of the major college conferences do. It would be epically cheesy. I'm personally imagining some kind of sketch involving the Mannings beating each other up. Something with officials and penalty flags (although not Ed Hochuli, this would get all of San Diego destroying cars)? Maybe Kurt Warner sounds like he'd be a good spokesman for said cause, or John Madden can get up and state the obvious for the umpteenth time. Maybe I can stop using topical humor. Whatever they decide, it would be much better use of time and resources than, for example, complaining about Wes Welker making a snow angel in the end zone, and it would remind some of these lunatics that it's a sporting event. 

*I'm not saying in particular who. "Prima Donna WRs who wear #81" is a good general class of said players, though.

Niblets!

Apparently, we've all been mispronouncing Chargers punter Mike Scifres' last name. It's not "Sy-fers," but rather "Sy-fres." To avoid confusion, I usually say "that guy who can kick it 69 yards."

***

Watching a 300-lb Iowa-Class defensive lineman recover a fumble and attempt to run it back is one of the true joys in life, even if said player doesn't get anywhere.

***

The 3-man rush does not work against Philadelphia. It just doesn't.

***

It seems to me that you can't ever win in a fantasy game when your WR and RB are on teams playing one another, because as soon as the WR's team cues into your RB, the previously run-heavy team is forced to pass, and vice versa. The only way this ever works is if both teams have absolutely no defense and the predicted over/under for the game is 90 points.

***

Regardless of what Donovan McNabb says in postgame interviews, I don't think God is an Eagles fan. As decent as most Eagles fans are now, we can't neglect the fact that they booed Santa Claus and threw batteries on the field in the past. I think all fan bases have their lunatics. If I go by the sweeping generalizations I read/hear about, I would say that Steelers fans are pretentious, Raiders fans are borderline, Seahawks fans are emo (and with good reason after this season), Giants fans boo their own team regularly, Jets fans harass their cheerleaders and trash the stadium, Bears fans are pessimists, Atlanta fans are hicks, and Chargers fans are currently all in Pittsburgh yelling at their run defense, concession workers, and threatening rubbish bins. And there isn't a paper bag big enough to cover those who are still Lions fans.

Thus, I am going to side with Colts coach Tony Dungy, who stated that although he is a man of faith, he knows God does not care about football games. 

***

According to my friend, Darren Sproles is a leprechaun. I think he'll grant you three wishes and good luck if you catch him. Will the Steelers' wishes be granted more in the second half, or will Sproles simply decide to run between the legs of the linebackers?

***

The officiating crew for the Giants/Eagles game made a series of oopsies, the funniest being when Philly was on offense and a penalty (I forget what it was) was called on "#22 of the defense"; the Giants do not have a #22 on their defense. A technical non-penalty?

***

Also, apparently the Giants can't kick in their own stadium. If I heard correctly, Carney has only made 11/22 attempts in the Meadowlands. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

***

Speaking of the Meadowlands, I was having an interesting conversation with someone earlier today: what would happen if the Giants and the Jets played one another? Or, how about if both had home-field playoff advantage, and the stadium had to be in Jets regalia on Saturday and Giants on Sunday? How would they do it? Would a hole open up in the space-time continuum and eat the state of New Jersey as a result of the ensuing logistical nightmare? Actually, does anyone know if the Giants and Jets have played each other since the Jets moved in (season openers, etc)?

***

Finally, a big shout-out to my friend Marc, who is a die-hard Steelers fan (of the non-pretentious variety). Happy Birthday; may Leprechaun Darren grant your wishes. I won't make any more Delhomme jokes.

Welcome to Second and One

Welcome to Second and One, a place where a football nut can finally write all about football without; 

a) Feeling like I'm writing for an audience, when, in all reality, I'm delusionally drooling into blank space;

b) Having my friends (who read my other blog) sigh to themselves after reading yet another "you're losing, why didn't you onside kick?" rant.

And why "Second and One?"

...That's what you get when you go the whole nine yards.

***

So as everyone is talking about the NFL playoffs, I guess it would only be fitting for me to leap into the pot of analysis and prognostication. And for Saturday of the Divisional Round, it appears Bird is the Word!

Knocking on the End Zone's Door? Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore!": Some people I've talked to don't know what to think about yesterday's contest between the Titans and the Ravens beyond "that was a really weird game." Between the punts, the slop, the gazillion yards of penalties, and the fact that Tennessee was able to nickel-and-dime the ball up and down the field (much to the chagrin of us who picked the Ravens' D for our Fantasy Playoff teams) but still have all drives that should have ended in points end in turnovers, I had no clue what I was watching after a while. I will say this though: I admire Baltimore's fortitude. They couldn't have gotten the Titans off the field with a stampede of bulls, yet they refused to roll over and die defensively, grabbing two picks and recovering a fumble. Offensively, they were naught to write home about, but still managed to grind it out.

Before Big Game Sunday, I usually call my dad, where he'll ask me "Ok. Team X vs. Team Y. Who ya got?" And I'll offer my picks for the week, usually based on Evidence Which May Or May Not Turn Out To be Total Crap. Examples of this would include:

a) It's raining in Location X; the Ys do poorly in bad weather;

b) The turf at X's field is slippery, and Y has a run-heavy offense;

c) Coach Z couldn't coach a baby to stop crying in the Pacific Time Zone;

d) The Xs never win when Mars is in the Fifth House and Uranus is Retrograde;

Yet something on Friday night convinced me to pick Baltimore. I'm not sure why. Sure, they were second in the league in takeaways and came into the postseason pretty hot. Sure, the Titans were on a bye week with their fingers up their noses whilst the Ravens slaved away down in the Miami heat. And sure, Joe Flacco often has days where he hogs all of the Rookie of the Year thunder (take that, Matt Ryan!), but more often than not, the Ravens' offense is low-scoring, inconsistent, and generally mediocre. So why Baltimore, then?  

I guess I thought they had better uniforms. That coat-of-arms business is classy.

***

I also couldn't help but notice that the announcing in the Titans/Ravens game was awful. I generally like announcers to call a game, and occasionally interject interesting trivia, stats, educational bits from So-and-So's playbook- because in addition to being entertained, sometimes I like to learn something about the teams I'm watching and the tactics they use. All I learned yesterday:

1. Ed Reed has speed.

2. LenDale White needs more speed. 

I don't have a Superbowl ring, but I can do better than this!

1. Ed Reed has speed. He's a safety; he should.

2. LenDale White needs speed to run (if the Titans are to get anything started on the ground sans Johnson.)

3. Kerry Collins is probably on speed.

***

I will say it wasn't as bad as the announcing for the BCS Championship. You know it's really bad when the announcers slide into nothing but Tim Tebow fanboy-ism and senseless existential claptrap for two whole quarters. It makes you actually wish that Brent Musburger were calling the game, whereupon you're promptly forced you to hate yourself for thinking that.

Another Bye Bites The Dust, also known as "What did Jake Delhomme get for his birthday? Creamed!": I like to call the Saturday night game the "Battle of The Inappropriate Location-Species Combinations" because there are very few Cardinals in Arizona, and depending on what you interpret a "panther" as, I can guarantee that the sleek black thing that's their mascot doesn't live in Charlotte. But thenagain, there aren't and were never any Bengals in Cincinnati, so I suppose it's a moot point.*

Ok. I'll be frank. Nobody saw the Cardinals coming. Absolutely nobody. Not John Madden, or Michael Strahan, or my dad, or the guy who picks up my trash. And today, the sounds of the vast morass of NFL analysts whacking their foreheads into their desks in unison actually drowns out the hubris over the 'Cards themselves. 

Now, I'm a firm believer in this business about how teams are inconsistent and anyone can beat anyone on any given day. I believe in underdogs, upsets, and the improbable, Cinderella stories, and giant Moebius strips of loss-by-proxy, but I did not think the Cardinals had any chance. I didn't think they stood a chance because you can't win with a 9-7 pass-wacky offense lead by an aging quarterback and no Anquan Boldin, and a nonexistent run game lead by an aging running back against Carolina, in Carolina, in the rain. Oh, and their coach has a funny name. And you never see the coaches with funny names in the Championship games! Whisenhunt. Ha Ha. After the Panthers fired the warning shot across the bow in the first four minutes, I (and most everyone else) went "well, that's over" and opened my computer to mess around on the internet, only to look up 40 minutes later and go "Wait, when did it become 30-7?!" 

I suppose the answer is simple: whereas Tennessee collapsed, Carolina imploded. Jake Delhomme threw 17/34 for 205 yards, fumbled once, and then threw five picks, and on his birthday to boot. I had nothing invested in this game, but I go back and forth between feeling incredibly bad for the undefeated-at-home Panthers, to wanting to ridicule them endlessly. So I'll let the reader be the judge. Imagine you were one of the Panthers on yon bench, witnessing this horrible spectacle, watching your postseason hopes get mercilessly flushed down the drain as your increasingly frustrated QB causes your offense to fold like a lawn chair, while an 9-7 team that has been violated in every way imaginable on the road proceeds to play pitch n' catch all night. And on National TV, to boot! Oh, the humanity! 

Now, on the other end of the spectrum, imagine making a video montage of all of the ways the Panthers screwed up last night (complete with Delhomme going ballistic), speeding it up to 200%, and dubbing Yakety Sax over it. 

Case rested?

If you go to a bakery and order half a dozen turnovers, is it called the Carolina Special? Honestly. I lost track of whom Delhomme was even trying to throw to after about the third foible. Some character named "Steve Smith" was supposed to be in the picture somewhere. I still don't know who that is.

I suppose it could be worse, though. I followed the Bears through the 2006 season as Rex Grossman learned the hard way that Lovie Smith, the Gatorade bucket, the Chain Gang, and his left guard weren't eligible receivers.

***

Non-Playoff News: I heard yesterday that the Chicago Bears hired Rod Marinelli as a D-line coach. Am I the one who thinks this is a totally moronic undertaking? Chicago's problem for years has not been their defensive line; it's their inconsistent offense and poor decision-making by the brass. I won't belabor this point now. I think Marinelli's a decent guy, despite this Mark of the Beast business after choking away an entire season, but to quote a friend of mine, hiring Marinelli is sort of like hiring the captain of the Titanic. 

Without Further Ado, My Picks For Today: 

Steelers over Chargers: Expect less Darren Sproles against the Steel Curtain. Barring tactical errors by Roethlisberger and special teams, it could very well be power out for San Diego.

Giants over Eagles: Actually, I'm saying Giants (60%): Eagles (40%). I don't think these two teams match up very well, but that home-field advantage thing may mean something here. Flip a coin, really: heads, the Giants' secondary stands McNabb on his head every other play; tails, Eli Manning is Eli Manning.

That's all for now. Remember kids: We may not know the answer to the important questions in life, but there's still something mesmerizing about watching guys in spandex pasting each other.

*Although Detroit is pretty rough. There may be lions wandering the streets at night.