Drumroll, Please:

...It's time to announce the winner of the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award! This award, also known as the Tennessee Titans Trophy, is awarded to the college football team that suffers the biggest utter collapse of team morals - and subsequently, team morale - after earning a bowl bid. The dubious honor went last year to the Michigan State Spartans, who suspended at least a dozen football players for their role in a brawl at a fraternity party before the Valero Alamo Bowl.  

This year's winner: the University of Iowa Hawkeyes!

Just days after the announcement that the Hawkeyes will play Missouri in the Insight Bowl, star wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was arrested on multiple drug-related charges, including unlawful possession of multiple prescription drugs, possession of controlled substances, and running a drug house. Johnson-Koulianos admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine. Additionally, Iowa's athletic program admitted today that there are "serious flaws" in the way they test their student-athletes for drug use and believes multiple people have been finding ways to buck the system. As if things can't get worse, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended from participating in Iowa's bowl game due to an unspecified violation of team rules. The second-stringer, sophomore Jewel Hampton, has transferred out of the program, and another running back, Brandon Wegher, has requested a transfer as well, leaving Ferentz to start true freshman Marcus Coker for the bowl game. Marcus Coker. Is there a greater name for a guy at a school with an apparent drug problem than that?!

These goofy characters are: (a) from a Dr. Seuss book; (b) Adam Robinson and Derrell Johnson-Koulianos; (c) the New Big 10 Divisions?

Speaking of messes in the Big Ten Et Al., the gerrymandering of the conference into divisions is complete, now with ridiculous re-branding. The two divisions will be named "Legends" and "Leaders", according to the BigTelevenTwelve Official Website. These names are silly. See, it's not hard to come up with names for divisions, but the heads of the conference have completely whiffed this one, and whiffing at naming things is like losing a fewest-interception contest to Carson Palmer. Here, in my opinion, are twenty division names which sound better than "Legends" and "Leaders," and I didn't even need two weeks in a boardroom to come up with them!

East and West

Right and Left

One and Two

Blue and Red

A and B

Brain and Heart

Wisdom and Courage

Gin and Tonic

Prose and Poetry

Punch and Judy

Harold and Maude

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Divide and Conquer

Your Dad and My Dad

Starsky and Hutch

Booze and Drugs (Iowa leads the latter, MSU the former)

Watson and Holmes

Toilet and Bidet

Liberals and Conservatives

The Division with Nebraska and the Division Without Nebraska

More to come later.

...The Punter?!

This came to me from another website earlier today. Colts punter Pat McAfee was arrested and charged with public intoxication after drunkenly leaping into the canal that runs through the Broad Ripple part of Indianapolis and then apparently running wet and shirtless into the street. (AP/ESPN) ...the punter? Seriously? We've stated before that punters and kickers are arguably one of the most trouble-free positions on a team. The guy who goes to a bar and punches someone's lights out usually isn't the punter. If we believe the stereotypes, the punter would more likely be the guy with braces arguing violently at a Star Trek convention over whether Kirk or Picard is the better captain.

I mean, McAfee fundamentally didn't do anything terribly wrong beyond getting tankered and freezing his jock off (which, for all I actually know, may be illegal in Indianapolis), but I suppose that's what happens when a guy, whose entire job consists of essentially signaling that the offense has failed, finally, erm, snaps. 

***

I'm finally feeling better. I'm congested and gross, however, and I'm thoroughly convinced that I'll end up giving my symposium talk tomorrow sounding like Lou Holtz. Let me practice: "Noder Dame isth the besth theam there ith!"

The Joke Writes Itself...We Just Don't Know The Punchline

Ah, I'm back. Had to go to a Big Italian Wedding in Chicago this weekend (the bride was my aunt) - complete with rooms full of Bears fans, a Catholic mass, pasta, toasts in Italian, and at least one person sitting on a cannoli. The downside: lousy wireless reception in church, so I'm a bit out of touch with the college scores right now. We'll correct for these technical difficulties in the coming days.

First, this story came to me today. (ESPN New York) A volunteer football coach at a high school has been banned from coaching because (following a spat with safety officers and referees over a botched fumble call) he apparently pulled down his shorts and mooned the opposing team's fans. Additionally, the bad call also caused a shoving match that resulted in the ejection of both head coaches. The two schools in the game boast the funniest names of any high schools in the world: Boys and Girls High and Campus Magnet (the latter won 16-6). Unfortunately, we've already gone over every joke that could possibly be related to nudity and football* so there isn't much to be said beyond that I hope the whole thing winds up up on Friday Night Lights at some point in the future, and that I think I'm going to do this to my television the next time the Bears find themselves on the, er, wrong end of a BS call.

...Stay tuned, folks.

*Offender is the "butt of everyone's jokes", play is a naked reverse, every pun on "tight end" and "defensive end" known to man, offense lost their shirt, defense lost their pants, etc.

Talk About Busted Coverage

This suitably disturbing story came to me this afternoon. (NCAA Fanhouse) Apparently, there's more trouble out in Oregon, only this time, with Oregon State. On early Sunday morning, police in Corvallis, Oregon received a call from a woman who reported a young man was trespassing in the second floor of her home. The young man in question? Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas, who was drunk out of his skull and wearing nothing but, uh, his birthday jersey. When authorities arrived, Thomas reportedly assumed a three-point stance and charged the cops. He was subsequently charged with a taser, (and with trespassing, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest), and booted from the football team. 

The only way this could have possibly been funnier is if the guy were a tight end. 

Crime and Punishment

Good heavens, there's a lot of spicy, juicy news this week. I figured since I'm home sick from work for the third time this year (because apparently my immune system's defense is only slightly better than the Cleveland Browns' defense), that a second theme-post ("Crime and Punishment") is in order (as I make Leo Tolstoy spin so fast in his grave that we could use his remains as a turbine engine).

First order of business. Pro Football Hall of Fame linebacker and former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor has been arrested for the alleged solicitation and rape of a 16-year old runaway girl, who may or may not have been a prostitute (ESPN).* Oi vey. According to the gory reports, 51-year-old Taylor arranged a meeting at a hotel with the girl through a middleman (who has since been arrested for sex trafficking), and allegedly payed her $300 for her, uh, services. Since the girl is under the age of consent in New York (which I believe is 17), it's third-degree rape. Whoah, that's a hard story to swallow at about 9AM when you're recovering from a nasty cold, and I really don't know what to say about it other than Taylor should be ashamed of himself if it's true and I hope someone helps the young lady in question. This is not Taylor's first run-in with the law, his prior arrests coming from possession of drug and drug paraphernalia and tax fraud and evasion. Because what man doesn't want to keep every penny he earns to blow it on, well, blow?

***

In other news, it looks like we may have some fallen Saints on our hands...or maybe not. Supposedly, head coach Sean Payton and another coach are accused of stealing Vicodin from the team's medicine chest. I'm having a hard time following this story, which Deadspin describes as "potentially scandalous, potentially frivolous"). Reportedly, one coach (and Payton as well) were prescribed the narcotic, and the other coach got to abusing it and stealing tons of pills from the cabinet, and a former security guard (and also FBI agent) blew the whistle, claiming he was ordered by Saints GM Mickey Loomis to cover up the scandal. Supposedly there are NFL audits, secret microphones, two million dollars, and videotape involved, and someone's been talking to the DEA, who doesn't seem to care all that much about some guy stealing some other guy's pills, even if they won the Super Bowl. (ESPN)

"What should we steal next?" "Hmm, I don't know. How about Drew Brees' birthmark?" Source: exposay.com via Deadspin - I don't normally take pictures from the same article I cite, but the picture just goes with the caption too darn well. 

***

It's official - The Raiders have released JaMarcus Russell, a former first-round-pick overall out of LSU, making him one of the biggest draft busts of all time, as Russell only won 7 of the 25 games he started and will still cost them 39 million dollars. (NFL) I'm not sure what Russell's problem was beyond the descriptors of him being everything from lazy and overweight to unproductive and difficult to work with. I thought to begin with that his SEC-style of play wouldn't be a good fit for the Raiders' more traditional offense. Nonetheless I'm sure the total bummer and outright bad psychology that is a franchise that's had seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses can also mess with the head of a 21 (22?)-year-old rookie. When I think back to being that age, I probably wouldn't have wanted to play for the Raiders either.

Who wants to play where these guys scream at you all game? Who are the two with the KISS-makeup, Road Warrior Animal and his son?** Source: akgroom.wordpress.com, original photographer unknown; and some random wrestling site.

***

I'll end this entry on a positive note. Last Monday, myself and a group of random crazy scientists (read as: my friends and colleagues), decided to play flag football out on one of the many grassy fields around the Large University Where I Work instead of slaving away at our research. It was a beautiful day even though my team lost. My dad later asked me what position I played and whether I definitively enjoyed playing offense or defense more, and I definitively have an answer. 

So I was sitting with a group of people on a Saturday night a couple years back, just drinking beer and watching college games, and we got around to the hypothetical "what position would you play?" question. People had a hard time placing me until someone piped up, "you'd be a wide receiver because you're tall" and everyone leapt on the proverbial bandwagon. Well, erm, ok, this would be a spot-on statement, except for one little (and maybe sort of important) fact. I can't catch. I'm absolutely horrible on offense beyond simply being a decoy to draw coverage because I couldn't hold onto a football if it were duct-taped to my hands. I'm more than just gauche and cartoony; I'm the special-ed child of Jake Delhomme and Adrian Peterson eating a Butterfinger bar on New Years' Eve, which is probably the ball-droppiest of all the holidays. Now, let's couple this with the statement of a guy in my department who always insists that all cornerbacks are just really lousy wideouts, and you've got my answer. I like playing defensive back. I can't catch, but I love chasing and getting in the way of people who actually can. As the head of my research group told me before said game, "get out there and knock somebody over already." 

Remember kids: If your hat has three corners, it sure as heck ain't playing cover-2. 

*Those so inclined may make the "NOT Dez Bryant's mom" joke now. You know you want to. Get it out of your system. 

**Ironically enough, the real Road Warrior Animal's son actually plays for the Rams. For real, although I wouldn't want to play there either.

Week 10, Lite Version

I am just tired. So tonight's episode is a lite version. But like light beer or light butter, it still tastes pretty good if enough is applied or consumed!

Another One Bites the Dust, NFL Edition: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were shipwrecked at 0-7 coming into Sunday's contest against the Green Bay Packers. Imploding in 2008. The loss of Gruden to ESPN. A rookie coach. No defense whatsoever. More personnel turnover than the Italian government. Wearing their throwback orange jerseys with the logo from 1979, the Buccaneers actually scored 38 points...to the Pack's 28. 21-year-old rookie QB Josh Freeman, the youngest QB to ever start for the Bucs, had only 205 yards but threw for three TDs, including one on a 4th down conversion that sealed the deal. One of the questions everyone seems to be asking is "how much did home field advantage/matchup psychology matter?" Fun Fact: the Packers have lost seven of their last 8 in Tampa, and Green Bay has dropped its past three games with the Bucs regardless of whether they play in Tampa, at Lambeau, or in Australia. 

Yo, ho, ho, ho, a pirate's life for me! The Tampa Bay Creamsicles sent the Packers packing. Source: Getty Images, NY Daily.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 1: I'm still too frustrated to write about the Bears/Cards disaster. The Arizona Cardinals, lead by Kurt Warner, were out for blood after an abysmal performance against the Big Black Cats in week 8. They got it against the witless Bears, whose defense simply did not show up to play for the second time this season. The Bears, by virtue of losing by 20, were the ultimate in stupid defense on Sunday. Perhaps the stupidest Bear defender, however, was defensive tackle Tommie Harris, who was ejected 54 seconds into the game for decking Cardinals guard Deuce Lutui in the face so hard that Lutui's entire face swelled up. (NFL.com) What an extremely stupid and undisciplined thing to do, especially when it's known that when Harris doesn't do his part on the D-line that the soup hits the fan for the Bears: Harris was injured when the Bears were routed by Cincinnati, 45-10. The only thing I can think of was that Coach Smith told Harris to get out there and play smash mouth football, and Harris took it literally. Shameful.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 2: Although the Cardinals won handily, they did make one extremely derailing defensive decision themselves. Tight end Greg Olsen is one of Jay Cutler's favorite targets, especially in short-yardage situations, and is still one of the league's most dangerous TEs in the red zone. Until last Sunday, many opposing teams had this notion figured out, leaving half of Chicago wondering if Olsen was a bust and the other half believing there was a massive defensive conspiracy against him. (Chicago Tribune) The Cards could have easily shut out the Bears, their weak secondary, and their stop-and-go offense, but instead opted to place their savvy cornerbacks in man coverage against Chicago's wideouts (Hester, Knox, Bennett), leaving, slower, less-effective safeties to practically run into each other chasing after Olsen all game.* Result: Three Bears touchdowns, all to #82, who was a good two yards off the defender every time! Everyone and their dog knew that this is where the ball was going; why didn't Clancy Pendergast? It's a moot point now, but it is safe to say that had the defense showed up, this game could have been very different. 

Confucius says: "three touchdowns to the Bears tight end puts 'greg' in 'egregious.'" Source: Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Much to my extreme surprise, the Big Black Cats corralled the Scoring Machines enough to allow the Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, to win again, lead by Aaron Rodgers (as he desperately tried to dig himself out of the Buccaneers debacle) and Joseph Addai (who lead the Colts in doing what they do best). The Nukes were up by 39 before the Steelers' defense (whom my opponent had) ever took the field. 

My buddy Tom, however, found himself in a more dire fantasy predicament. Up against his pal Newman, on Newman's birthday, his team struggled for dominance in a nail biter that ended up coming down to Hines Ward vs. Rashard Mendenhall. Ward prevailed at the last moment, and Tom won. For kicks, Tom and I actually made a bet over our ridiculous fantasy week. Tom and I make all sorts of football bets, which usually end in one of us losing five bucks or having to buy the other dinner. This one, however, was outrageous: if he lost, he would have come to my house and stage a literal song-and-dance number for my entertainment. On the other hand, if the Fighting Nucleophiles blew it because of the Steelers' D (which would be nothing short of a freak accident), I would have had to post some comments** in this blog that would firmly violate my PG rating. Thank goodness we both won!

Remember kids: Continuing our pseudo-Confucian allegory: does a clever play to Dallas' tight end constitute a "witticism?"

*Yes. I literally watched the replays about fifty times.

**No. I won't post them. I'll just say that said comments made me really glad that Kyle Orton was able to give Pittsburgh's secondary a hard time all night, despite losing the game.

And Now To the Pros...we think.

Happy Labor Day, everyone! First, blog housekeeping: I have lightened the background to charcoal grey, as several people have noted it as being significantly less contrast-y and offensive on the eyes than black. Also, now that football season is underway, I plan to update 2ndand1 at least thrice per week, work schedule permitting. Special editions, such as Playbook and Whiteboard O' Wisdom, (or anything with a title alliteratively formatted "_____ O' _____") will be really whenever I can. 

Now, to wrap up this wacky opening college weekend!

a) Did anyone see Iowa/NIU? Iowa lead by 1 at the end, and the NIU Panthers lined up to kick from 40 yards out. Iowa blocked it, as over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans sighed in relief. The officials then determined that the ball did not cross the line of scrimmage.  With one second on the clock, NIU lines up for a second, 41-yard attempt, and promptly has it blocked again. Over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans then nearly stomped Kinnick Stadium to the ground in overjoyed relief, as Kirk Ferentz narrowly avoided choking on a cupcake. For anyone who cares to read the gory details, USA Today has them up.

b) Notre Dame wins 35-0 against Nevada. According to a friend who was at said game, WR Michael Floyd had 4 catches for 189 yards and 3 td. Freaky deep passes by Jimmy Clausen. My response to this was not "holy cats!" but actually, "They have football in Nevada?"

c) With three ticks remaining before the half in the Boilers' unabashed trouncing of the Toledo Rockets, Purdue sophomore Carson Wiggs booted one between the uprights from 59 yards, breaking the record for the longest field goal at Purdue.* That's fifty-nine yards, folks, and when one actually stands on a football field and looks how far 59 yards is, it seems that Wiggs literally kicked a field goal from the state line. Unfortunately, I can't find a video of it anywhere, but take my word for it: this wasn't one of those kicks that eeks over the crossbar or doinks the uprights. Wiggs would've been good from 70 yards out. In other news, Wiggs is scheduled to next practice kicking from the concession stands, and the Boilermakers are phasing out this thing called "punting."

d) The OU Sooners had a terrible night, falling to BYU by a single point. On top of it, Sam Bradford's shoulder is demolished by a grade 2-3 sprain, leaving the Heisman winner out indefinitely, and Choklahoma's record of having the wheels flying off their covered wagon in big games intact.

***

Moving to the NFL, it was reported this morning that Chargers OLB Shawne Merriman has been accused of restraining and choking his acquaintance/friend/girlfriend, singer and reality TV star Tila Tequila. (ESPN) early this morning, meaning that, if this joke hasn't already been made ad infinitum, postseason games aren't the only thing the Chargers choke. Tequila wasn't seriously injured, and can go back to gyrating on MTV, or whatever it is she does. The story appears to be "he said-she-said": Tequila (real name: Tila Nguyen) claims she was choked and held against her will while intoxicated (obviously, too much of her namesake.) Merriman and attorneys seem to imply that Shawne was attempting to prevent Miss Nguyen-Tequila from driving drunk. Is this a miscommunication? She's a model, he's a linebacker: if it is true, isn't this excessive force?  Geez. What ever happened to taking away the bottle and then taking away the keys?

In other news, Brett Favre also finds himself in trouble after throwing a crackback block against Houston DB Eugene Wilson in the Vikings' third preseason game (AP/ESPN). In a Wildcat formation, Favre lined up as a receiver, and subsequently low-blocked Wilson around the knees. Wilson had to be taken off the field, and Favre was fined $10,000 for the cheap-shot. Seriously, Brett? I mean, seriously? And while having suspected rib fractures? With this kind of bravado (or maybe blind stupidity), maybe Favre should be running back punts. Regardless, it's not helping his image, especially because Favre has not even apologized to Wilson for steamrolling him. 

And last but not least, final player cuts are out (sportingnews): notable roster-parings include Giants WR David Tyree (who can catch anything, but not a WR position, apparently), and Vikings backup John David Booty, who loses this round of Quarterback Musical Chairs. Additionally, Joey Harrington is no longer a Saint (my wager is that he ends up back with the Lions), and Brian Russell is no longer a Sinner (for the Seahawks' secondary, that is).

And one final shoutout: My father, a great man and my favorite partner in over-the-phone, long-distance armchair quarterbacking, turns sixty years old today. Happy Birthday Dad! Thanks for putting up with my football nuttery!

Remember kids: Next weekend the NFL kicks off. No matter what your religion, thou must honor the sabbath and keep holy the first down.

*Which was 53 yards. Also set by Carson Wiggs. Darnit, this kid can kick.

Here we go!

This weekend (as in, the period between Thursday and Monday) marks the start of the 2009 college football season. As I do live near a major university (as in, one of the ones you can see playing on television in a major conference), there is a football stadium which I pass on my morning commute. And yesterday, they were testing the scoreboard, which really hit home that there is going to be an actual game this weekend. I was excited all day, to say the very least. I was so excited about college ball starting I could barely sleep last night, turning over and over, my mind pondering such deep, philosophical questions as "will Virginia Tech pound Nick Saban and Company harder than one hammering in a goalpost?" 

But it's nice to see I'm not alone: some of my friends have returned to their alma maters in the holiest of sports pilgrimages, and even our resident mass spectroscopist (a diehard University of Nebraska fan) has returned to commune with the Cornhuskers rather than analyze noxious substances we've cooked up in the laboratory. Now here is a man who has his priorities straight!

Of course, one might wonder why I haven't done such a thing myself, to which I answer this: My alma mater's entire football team is generally so bad that they couldn't coach a football onto the kickoff tee. 

***

The hullaballoo up at Michigan continues. Names of some of the players who blew the whistle are being released, and Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman has launched a formal investigation into the matter, hiring Gene Marsh, the former chairman of the NCAA's infractions board, to assist. President Coleman's statement can be found here. (ESPN). And things are now getting even messier for our friends the Wolverines. In addition to the friction over the NCAA violation, it was revealed Thursday that one of Coach Rodriguez's business partners, a fellow from Clemson (were RichRod was an offensive coordinator), has been indicted on five counts of fraud. (Gory Details c/o the Detroit Free Press) The details are too good to pass up: Rodriguez and this dubious guy were involved in a failed condominium development where they defaulted on a loan and were later all sued for a substantial sum of money. In addition, Rodriguez's friend was charged with theft of a large, undisclosed chunk of change from his business to finance home decoration and cosmetic surgery. No, you cannot make this stuff up. I wonder how deep this Mess in Michigan goes. Was the NCAA turning the other way? Was Jimmy Hoffa involved? JFK and Elvis? Vampire Communists? 9-11? The Committee to Re-Elect the President? Additional reactions around the blogosphere to the Accusations in Ann Arbor can be found here. (Detroit Free Press).  

***

Also from Detroit, it has been announced that the Motor City Bowl (generally considered a traditional holiday activity by Michigan State and Central Michigan fans) has been re-named the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl (Reuters),* as the auto manufacturers no longer have enough money to purchase bowl tickets, let alone sponsor a bowl game. Second and One suggests the following names may be more appropriate, however:

Apocalyptic Death Bowl

Robocop Bowl

Big Three Bailout Bowl

Where's Our Stimulus Money Bowl

CMU Chippewas Versus Whoever Bowl

Dominos Bread Pasta Bowl

Another nail in the coffin for Detroit, sadly. Plans to re-name Ford Field "Taco Bell Stadium" are now underway. 

***

And now for another food/football crossover: around the rest of the college universe, I saw Indiana University open vs. Eastern Kentucky on Thursday night. The game was mostly slop and error, ending on a failed Hail Mary by EKU, who actually looked pretty convincing. Keep in mind that IU finished 3-9 last season, ending by giving up 62 points against bloodthirsty rival Purdue, whom, despite playing like they were 10-2, were actually 4-8. Anyway, IU now continues on next week against the menacing Akron Zips, whatever those are. They sound like candy one might get at the movie theater. 

Readers are waiting for the food bit. I was more amused that all of the game's coverage was sponsored by Velveeta and Ro-Tel (purveyor of spices and salsa). I think they ought to make this a regular occurrence. Does anyone hear a Salsa con Queso Bowl? Or maybe, since they were playing Eastern Kentucky, whose mascot is nothing more than a suave-looking Colonel Sanders, a KFC bowl?

 

***

Outside of the Big Ten, Oregon (No. 16) executed the Single Worst Opening Weekend Game I've ever seen, as they skittered around aimlessly on the Smurf Turf at Boise State. Their drives for the first half were as follows: Third and out, third and out, third and out, third and out, LeGarrette Blount getting pushed back into the end zone for a safety, false start, third and out. The Ducks were stuffed over and over, did not get a first down until there were seven minutes remaining in the third quarter, and ended down by eleven points. Fail. The cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck? Blount, no doubt incensed over the subsequent roasting of the stuffed Ducks, found himself afterwards on the receiving end of a slap in the pads by Boise State defensive end Byron Hout. Blount promptly decked Hout in the jaw, and had to be restrained by police and hauled off the field. The graphic extracurriculars (warning: it's really not pretty) can be seen courtesy of ESPN. As a result, Blount has been banned for the rest of the season, thus ending his tenure at Oregon, and the Ducks are looking awfully lame. Well-played, LeGarrette!

To come later: news from around the NFL. Time to go watch some football! Remember kids: if you're 4th and 12 repeatedly, that's exactly what your season record is going to be. 

*I didn't even know Little Caesars Pizza still existed, to be honest, as I haven't eaten Little Caesars since before I was in college, which now feels like approximately since the Devonian Era.

Preseason Week 2!

In May, the new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys debuted the world's largest HD LED video scoreboard. (gizmodo). This thing costs, last estimate I heard, approximately 40 million dollars, and has got very impressive specs. It's the crowning achievement of Jerry Jones' football empire down in Dallas.

And last night, AJ Trapasso (Titans, who makes 2ndand1 for the second time this season, and there's still a whole lot of football to play) punted a football into it. (iViewTube) While no damage was done, there are a lot of logistical-type questions along the lines of "is a ball considered dead if it hits a part of the stadium" and "how far above the field does the live ball rule extend?" Another question is "can we move the screen?" Unfortunately, moving the screen is estimated to cost two million dollars itself. The most important question, of course, is this: is this a punting fail or a stadium design fail? Jerry Jones claims Trapasso intentionally punted the ball into the screen. Sure. This logic is like saying that when a running back fumbles the ball on the half-yard line, that he later goes to a nightclub and says "Oh yes. I meant to do that."

***

And now, my thoughts on the Michael Vick situation. I had the Colts/Eagles game on the other night, and the announcers obviously didn't care much about the game after the Colts were ahead by ten or so, and it the chatter up in the booth was Michael Vick this, and Michael Vick that - If Michael Vick wants to play football, fine. I just don't believe Michael Vick should be allowed to play football. During a hushed press conference, Vick announced that he has learned his lesson and made a "mistake." I have a problem with this. Logically, this is not a mistake. He makes it seem like it was a lapse in judgement or an accident. Trapasso punting the ball into the screen was an accident. Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg was an accident (albeit a really jackass one.) Al Haynesworth (now playing for the Redskins) who lost it when he played for the Titans, threw Dallas center Andre Gurode to the ground, and then danced a merry jig on his face (and later admitted that he had a serious anger management problem), made a mistake. When Lance Briggs (Chicago LB) crashed his Lamborghini on the highway and freaked out, he made a mistake. When the Vikings signed Brett Favre, they made...oh, nevermind. But deliberately leading a dogfighting ring on your property is not a mistake. It is as premeditated as if I were to walk into my most annoying colleague's house tomorrow and shoot him.* And if Vick chalks the whole thing up to a mistake, he obviously isn't realizing the error of his ways and is being coached on what to say. The Eagles organization should honestly be ashamed of itself. Here's an open letter to the Eagles Fans Who Like To Throw Things: You might be justified this time.


*Of course, 2ndand1 does not condone any sort of violence. This example is just that - an example.

And The Door Creaks Open...

For the reassurance of my readers: although it's been a fairly rough summer, I am (and 2ndand1 is) still alive! 

We are less than a month now before the pigskin starts flying again, so without further ado, let us kick off (heh heh, punny) with some news!

Obligatory Favre Watch: It comes to the relief of everyone except the sports paparazzi that Brett Favre is staying retired, (scoop from ESPN!) rather than signing to start with NFC central rival the Minnesota Vikings. In other news, it was reported that the collective sigh of the Packers' fan base blew over small buildings all the way to the Michigan border.

The brunt of Favre's decision seems to stem from injuries in his ankles and knees obtained while working out with Purple Jesus' teammates. Supposedly, various coaches and retired quarterbacks (Jim Kelly, from the Bills, among them), also urged Favre to quit while he was on top, instead of looking like a loon trying to play for every team in the league. Now, while this is fine advice on general principle, I wouldn't listen to anything that Jim Kelly says. Fun Fact: Did you know that Jim Kelly used to force himself to vomit before every game, because he believed it was good luck? This is sheer lunacy. I've heard of rabbit's feet and lucky octopi and sentiments written on under-eye paint, but after a while, I'd bet the GM was considering changing the team name to the Buffalo Bulimics after he found out. Gosh, I sure hope Brett Favre's "soul-searching" leading up to his retirement didn't involve copious amounts of chunder from down under!*

Michael Vick was released from prison this week, and it's rumored now that a variety of teams have expressed interest in the former puppy pugilist, most recently the Seattle Seahawks. I sincerely hope this is just Jim Mora being nice and that the whole thing isn't serious. Although maybe Seattle would be good for Vick. Instead of the down and dirty South, he gets to be emo about the team's positively abysmal 2008 season, and walk around wearing sandals and socks, surrounded by businessmen and enviro-hippies, until he too is carrying scones and a pound of Peet's coffee** and complaining about how all it does is rain.

In college news, SbB is reporting that Hawaii coach Greg McMackin made a mean homophobic comment while describing Notre Dame, and then tried to cover it up. Yeah, that worked well. Why do they put these people on the air? Also, this one may be henceforth binned under "delicious irony" in the fact that; 

a) McMackin's team (as an astute poster on Fark.com was keen to point out) is still officially called the "Rainbow Warriors"-which sounds like a Gay Pride group if I ever heard of one;

b) It's football! If I described (for example, to a non-American who has never heard of the sport) a game where men, some of which are called "Tight Ends," ran around in tight spandex trying to get into each other's end zones...well...let's just say it's not polite fiction.

c) He did it to Notre Dame. That's just mean. ***

To come later, of course: Bears news. But for the readership: I hope you've all joined your fantasy leagues and bought your tickets. I am pumped. Are you pumped?!

* Other wacky pregame rituals and lucky charms can be found in this SI article. It's from 1988, and is so outdated that it probably had to be translated from cuneiform, but it's still rings true.

** Or whatever they drink out there. Is Peet's a CA thing only? Of course, no slur is meant against people from Seattle!

*** I also feel the need to note here that although I do like to make fun of people in ways that push the boundary of the PG-rating sometimes, that 2ndand1 NEVER condones or endorses homophobia. Or racism. Or sexism, or ageism, or xenophobia, or religious discrimination, bad fan behavior, techno music during games, or football teams being given ridiculous names. That is all. 

News!

Again, apology for the lack of posting, but I found the part of this story about Herman Johnson to be incredibly funny. Largest live birth in the entire state of Louisiana? I find this hard to believe, considering everyone down there eats buckets of fried stuff for breakfast. This is Mardi Gras country! Were his dad's sperm half-a-gram each? Regardless, pound for pound, he's probably make a great pro OG, if he's not too slow. But honestly, if the Lions do draft him, they'll need to make sure he doesn't swallow the football and wash it down with the entire Gatorade bucket when nobody's watching.

***

Also, it's a couple days old, but Steelers kicker Jeff Reed, who is notorious for drinking, womanizing, and having pictures of his private parts on the internet, is at it again, this time for vandalizing a restroom at a gas station. Reed, probably intoxicated (although the article doesn't state so), became infuriated that the paper towel dispenser was empty, upon which he proceeded to whoop its ass. There are too many terrible towel jokes already, so I'll abstain. Gosh, I miss the days when the kickers were the guys who went home after the games to read sci-fi novels and get nagged by their wives! If they even had wives, that is; who wants to date a kicker?

More off-season/scouting combine/draft news to come; I promise!

Nuttery

Over at SportsbyBrooks, there's a bit of a buzz about the misbehavior of some Giants fans (Warning: some of the comments on the page aren't safe for work or young'uns). In brief, these people, apparently enraged that the Giants lost (and possibly under the influence of various exogenous chemicals) went on a rampage, trashing cars through the parking lot.

I was writing about fans behaving badly several days ago in sweeping generalizations, but honestly, I didn't know how far some of this has gone. Perhaps I am frightfully naive (or at least was today), but generally, when I go to games, people are civil. Of the 10% of the less-than-savory types, the breakdown (in my opinion) is as follows:

a) Angry drunk people whom, aside from yelling out a Carlin-esque litany of filth, are harmless (4%)

b) Kids, perenially up to no good (2%)

c) Creepy guys making the moves on girls born in 1988 or thereabouts (2%);

d) People in front of you who just won't sit down, no matter how much you yell at them (1.5%)

I suppose the remaining 0.5% would include the people mentioned above. See, for the most part, everyone's just around to enjoy a game, regardless of the outcome. I went up to Chicago last December to see the Bears play Jacksonville, and, after the game, a group of Bears fans (myself included) were joking and shaking hands with a group of (misguided as they may be!) Jaguars fans. Awww. How cute.

Do I occasionally get ridiculously mad about the outcome of games, including reaching the "nearly having a stroke in the stadium" stage? Of course. Have I screamed, cried, and been outright unpleasant for days because of bogus penalties/last-second field goals/egregiously bad play-calling? Of course. Would I once and a while like to see certain fans, or certain players leap off of Hoover Dam?* Who doesn't? But these folks in New York? Whoever you are: you're a disgrace to the sport. Really.

Sometimes I think that it would be funny if the NFL started running commercials about the value of sportsmanship, not unlike most of the major college conferences do. It would be epically cheesy. I'm personally imagining some kind of sketch involving the Mannings beating each other up. Something with officials and penalty flags (although not Ed Hochuli, this would get all of San Diego destroying cars)? Maybe Kurt Warner sounds like he'd be a good spokesman for said cause, or John Madden can get up and state the obvious for the umpteenth time. Maybe I can stop using topical humor. Whatever they decide, it would be much better use of time and resources than, for example, complaining about Wes Welker making a snow angel in the end zone, and it would remind some of these lunatics that it's a sporting event. 

*I'm not saying in particular who. "Prima Donna WRs who wear #81" is a good general class of said players, though.