Back!

I'm feeling slightly better. After discussing the travesty in Cincinnati with several different Bear fans (my dad needed more than an hour to get it out of his system), it's time for a recap of week 7!

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Although Brett Favre threw for more than 300 yards, he did not find the end zone in week 7, but rather, turned the ball over twice, leading the Vikes to the first loss of the season.

Down in Miami, it wasn't looking good for the Saints. Down by 21, Ricky Williams was running all over the field as if New Orleans had been wiped out by a hurricane. Halfway through the third quarter, however, the Scoring Machines returned with a vengeance, and in the second half they outscored the Dolphins 36-10, including two interception returns for touchdowns! It is safe to say that Miami did not know what hit them. In this game, Drew Brees threw three interceptions and fumbled, but still managed to pass for 298 yards and a touchdown. While this is statistically about average quarterbacking, Brees wins the contest this week by rushing for two touchdowns himself and then celebrating in ridiculous fashion! And then, as my friend Catherine (who grew up in New Orleans) eloquently put it, "6 and 0, B#@&H!" Good garden party, the Saints are terrifyingly good.

Dear Mr. Brees: Let's talk about this celebratin' business. Signed, Chad Ochocinco. Source: Zuma Press.

Fresh From the Bakery, NFL Edition: After being pounded into dust by the Saints, Tom Coughlin's Giants were hoping to rebound against a pass-wacky Arizona team that's been playing schizophrenically all season. However, Arizona DC Clancy Pendergast (whom Second and One has mentioned before during a litany of Coaches with Funny Names), had other plans, and dialed up a host of dramatically overpressurized blitz formations. As a result, Eli Manning was smothered and intercepted thrice - and you can't turn the ball over when you're moving into enemy territory and need seven to send the thing into OT! If this wasn't bad enough, Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw, who now has a cracked bone in his foot, fumbled with four minutes remaining - after already rushing for 14 yards and a first down! And in winning the turnover battle, Big Red prevailed over Big Blue. 

Fresh From the Bakery, College Edition: In a contest between the Nebraska Cornhuskers (who have had some simply ridiculous games this season) and the Iowa State Cyclones, the Huskers dominated on defense, held ISU to 9 points, and won the battles of first down, passing and total yards, penalties, and third-down conversions - and still lost the game. The catch? Let's look at Nebraska's drive summary! Fumble, Punt, Touchdown, Interception at the ISU one-yard-line, Punt, Fumble into the ISU end zone, Punt, halftime, Fumble into the ISU end zone and out the back, Fumble at the ISU five-yard-line, Fumble on your own 22 yard line, Punt, Interception, Interception. That is - count 'em - eight turnovers, four in the red zone. Holy Halfbacks. According to my mass spectroscopist, Nebraska tried EVERYTHING: freshman running backs, different block formations, four-tight end sets, chanting, meditation, prayer, Krazy Glue, uppers, downers, sidewaysers- and just could not hold onto the football. In other news, the Chicago Bears just drafted all of Iowa State's secondary.

More Titans Anguish: Following the bye week after the Titans were demolished by the bloodthirsty Patriots, head coach Jeff Fisher was ordered by owner Bud Adams to start Vince Young at QB, leaving Kerry Collins to record country music and twiddle his thumbs (NFL.com). I actually think this is a fantastic idea, as Collins clearly wasn't cutting the mustard, or maybe wasn't applying enough mustard to begin with - and what better way to mix things up then with a little personnel change? The Tennessee Burnt Toast will start with baby steps next week, as they play anemic Jacksonville. The psychology isn't quite right, however: Jacksonville is the same team that made Tennessee miserable in the 2008 season opener and sent Young to sit on the bench! Then again, it's hard to dig any further once you've hit rock bottom.

Amusing Announcing: The week was not without its share of announcing foibles. On Saturday, Purdue RB Ralph Bolden rushed for a first down, running out of bounds as his shoe flew off and stayed on the field. "Whoa!" cried ESPN2's Ray Bentley. "He hit a pop-top and lost a flip-flop!" I like this, and would love to see more witty wordplay. If a QB completes a pass and is then hit, does he have his song sung and his bell rung? 

During the depressing Bears-Bengals contest (which caused me to avoid other Bears fans in my department for a good 72 h), Cardiac Cats wideout/prima-donna Chad Ochocinco was still called "Chad Johnson." Please, announcers! We know it's rather silly, but look at a current version of the team rosters before flappin' your jaws! In the same game, Jay Cutler was criticized for being too hasty in his decisions and "trying to force it inside his tight end." I've commented on the use of similar, (un?)intentionally bawdy phrases before, but this time I'll take the moral high ground and say absolutely nothing. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: All was not lost on Sunday. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, came roaring out of the doldrums - just as I predicted - to be my league's weekly point leader. Joseph Addai and the Colts' D slaughtered and roasted the Rams, while Wes Welker and Sidney Rice caught everything that was thrown their way, lead by an overperforming Aaron Rodgers. Also: Unfurl the banners and hire a band: MC has finally started the right tight end! Of course, both did absolutely nothing, but Visanthe Shiancoe did a little less absolutely nothing (if that statement makes any sense at all). I'm up against the guy who has Peyton Manning next week,  so it may be time to bring back Knox and Hester against the Cleveland Cellar Dwellers.

I don't care if he's a Patriot, Wes Welker is the finest receiver to ever grace fantasy's fields. Fun Fact: Welker once kicked a field goal and an extra point, recorded a tackle, and fielded both a punt and kickoff return - all in one game, and is only the second NFL player to ever do so - and is also only 5'9"! Source: Jim Davis, Boston Globe, Gratuity.

Football Nuttery at Work, Round N: My research group holds weekly meetings every Wednesday after lunch. Most of this is pretty dry stuff - housekeeping, current fancy chemistry, exotic molecules, graphs, charts and esoteric language - and it wouldn't interest most people outside our insular band of dorks. Yesterday was special. Upon concluding usual opening remarks, the head of our research group looks to us for further questions. One of my colleagues, who had been serious and quiet for days, built up the tension to a burning question for several minutes, and then turned to our group head and piped, "If Oregon beats USC, will they jump ahead of Boise State in the rankings, despite losing to Boise State earlier?" Tension gone! The discussion then turned to BSC predictions, acting out the Statue of Liberty play, and Kyle Orton, amongst other things. Fans: Even though I don't practice what I preach, a little gridiron gab can sometimes stir even the most cadaverous of conferences! 

That's all for now. Stay tuned for answers to life's most important questions: Will anyone knock off Iowa? Will Oregon actually beat USC and prove the BCS is broken? Will St. Louis vs. Detroit be Pooper Bowl '08? How many beer cans will Brett Favre get beaned with upon returning to Lambeau Field? Have the G-men hit the skids? Will Congress pass a resolution to fire Jim Zorn? Is Chicago considering coaching turnover as well - and beginning the Cowher/Shanahan watch?

Commercial Break

There will be a short hiatus (eg. a few days more than normal) here at Second and One.

a) I was invited to give a fancy seminar early next week on some anti-cancer compounds we've been synthesizing, so it's rather best if I think about them rather than linebacker blitzes;

b) I am currently in shock over the absolutely horrifying collapse of the Bears' secondary yesterday, so I need a few days to recover from a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm also working on answering some burning questions like a) "Have the proverbial eggs hatched by Urlacher's disastrous wrist injury finally come home to roost?", b) "Isn't playing cover-2 when you have no pass-rush bringing a knife to a gun fight?" and c) "Why is it that whenever Cutler can't find Greg Olsen that they both throw a fit and the whole bleepity blanking offense folds like a bad poker hand?"

That is all.

No Reboot This Week

I don't have a terrible lot of time to write, as I woke up late and have been fighting some gross virus all week, so the second half of Kollege Kickoff will have to come later. It seems, however, this week, that nothing ridiculous happened to scramble up the BCS standings. Besides Iowa converting a last-second 4th and goal to avoid a major upset. To the MSU fans: that one was brutal. I'm so sorry. If you'd like me to send a nice floral arrangement and sympathy card, let me know.

***

Another One Bites the Dust (Lite Version): In OT at Miami, the U kicked a field goal and the Hurricanes were feeling pretty confident. On Clemson's possession, the Tigers were 3rd and 11 and didn't quite know what to do. WR Jacoby Ford decided to take matters into his own hands and called the play, promising coach Dabo Sweeney that it would actually work. Well, his wish was granted by the football gods and it actually did work, giving the Tigers (who hadn't beat anyone ranked in their last nine attempts) the win in this ridiculously barn-burney game, in which there were twelve lead changes, seven turnovers, and a combined 77 points scored. Gosh, it's like a pie-eating contest in which everyone vomits at the end - except for Clemson. When asked about the game, Sweeney said "I have a birthday next month and I think I'm going to turn 50 instead of 40. We had to put on Superman capes." Second and One is currently trying to rent the Rosetta Stone to decipher exactly what Sweeney means. 

Why is it called hurricane season if you can't shoot them? Source: AP, Lynne Sladky.

Single Worst Series of the Season: Anyone can have a series on the field where absolutely nothing goes right, but it takes true talent to do it in a really hilarious fashion. The winner of this dubious award this season - so far - is the University of Michigan. On their way to a 25-point pasting by Penn State, the Now-Extinct Wolverines were backed up on their own 8-yard line. On the next play, Carlos Brown rushed for a loss of three yards, but there was a holding penalty on the offense. Penn State declined the penalty, figuring loss of down was worse than having to get out of your own end zone. Second and thirteen. False start on Michigan, half the distance to the goal. Second and fifteen, Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier throws an incomplete pass as he's nearly sacked. Third and fifteen. Just when it can't get any worse, Michigan is penalized for delay of game, and backs up another yard. And the cherry on top of this Sundae-O-Suck? QB and center weren't seeing eye-to-eye on the next play, and the football was snapped past Forcier and zoomed out the back of the end zone for a safety. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Twelve Apostles, and the New Orleans Saints! If there is a worse way to implode on your own goal line, I want to know about it, especially because Penn State then got the ball back and scored an instant touchdown. Nine points in thirteen seconds! Good grief!

While Michigan fans cheered "Beat State!", the PSU fans jeered "Eat Tate!" Not shown: MSU fans called "Late hit?!", and Illinois fans cried "Oh S#$%." Source: AP, Carlos Orsorio.

This comes during a long line of Michigan blunders this season. Turnovers are beginning to plague the team, especially by backup QB Denard Robinson. There are special teams problems - what team tries a faux punt on their own 16-yard-line? What team loses their star return man because he gets creamed by his own blocker while trying to signal fair catch? Not to mention the bad chemistry, the NCAA rules investigations, the personnel problems*, the defensive shortcomings, and what appears to be the complete lack of a secondary. Coach Rodriguez, what is going on?

Why Did You Do That? No, Seriously - Why Did You Do That? This category is won firmly by the head of my research group. The University Where I Work has a Football Team - as I've mentioned. Last week, this team pulled off quite the win after being mediocre since approximately forever. And the head of our group, frustrated over the team, scalped his tickets on the street for about 75% of what they were worth. "Oh, MC." He said to me on Monday. "I was tired of watching them commit suicide. Go figure, eh?" Fans - even though I may not practice what I preach - sometimes a little faith is good.

More later, including Florida's officiating crew kerfuffle. NFL picks for the week (note I am still too distraught to call a Bears game):

New England and Tampa Bay @ Wembley Stadium: The New England Patriots. In London. How's that for a throwback? Well, if there's a game to try and re-define what "football" means to European audiences, sadly, this one isn't it. Tampa Bay is still winless, and everyone and their dog saw last week just what the Pats can do to a winless team. Of course, it's a neutral location, and anything could happen, but I'm still picking Belichick and Co..

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh: If ever there were a potential trap game for Minnesota, this is it. Again, both teams are coming in with some scary momentum. The game is at Heinz Field and this may give the Steelers the advantage. However, this may again come down to offense vs. defense. Minnesota, like New Orleans, has a strong pass/run dual threat, but also has a defensive line that is terrifying to be up against. If Pittsburgh's O-line can keep Jared Allen out of Big Ben's face, the Vikes could very well be sent to Valhalla this afternoon. Pittsburgh also needs to concentrate on ball security (as they have 12 turnovers this season and this is no time to be coughin' it up). I really don't know who to pick, but since the Vikes are on a hot streak, I sadly have to pick them again. If I'm wrong, I will gladly admit that I am wrong, because this one could truly go either way.

Indianapolis @ St. Louis: Although the Colts' run defense looks a little porous lately, and Steven Jackson could give them heck n' damnation all afternoon as he leads the league in yards from scrimmage, the Indy Colts are 48-7 since 2004 when Manning has at least two TDs, and certainly carry some undefeated inertia here! Amongst other things one can expect to see today: the Rams fumbling at least thrice, Austin Collie having at least 100 yards receiving, and Caldwell tying Steve Spagnuolo to the goalpost while Donald Brown and Joseph Addai take turns beating him with the down markers. Indianapolis.

That's all for now. Remember kids: If you've committed a late hit on the Ravens, Cardinals, or Falcons, you'll get flagged for a personal fowl.

*A representative example: earlier this season, I watched my friend's cousin, decked out in full Wolverine regalia, jump up and yell "Why is the tight end fifty yards downfield?!" at his television. 

Week 6, In Which Everybody Scored

For some reason, it seemed like there were an inordinate amount of points being scored in week 6. Did anyone else get this impression? Shootouts, shutouts, blowouts, blackouts - everyone who could score did score!*

Run Up The Score, Much?: Time for some earth logic. If a rival coach is talking smack about you, what do you do?

A) Nothing. Discretion is, after all, the better part of valor;

B) Invite him out for a beer and talk about it like men, proving you can keep your cool;

C) Run up the score on his hapless team to the point where he goes out of his head and wears a Peyton Manning jersey at a charity event? (Bitten and Bound), thus proving to the entire country that your team is darn good, but you're a classless toad;

Well, Bill Belichick, have we got your answer or what? It was rumored that Titans head coach Jeff Fisher launched a little lip over the Patriots' tactics and that there was a lot of bad blood swirling about, (Yahoo) and Brady and Co. retaliated by absolutely beating the Titans' swords into plowshares, shutting them out by 59 points. The Titans aimlessly skittered around in the snow in Foxboro, fumbled six times, and amassed a whole -7 passing yards, while Brady threw for six touchdowns and the Pats rolled for over 600 yards of offense. Belichick later remarked that he was just "just trying to run our offense" and "I know the score got out of hand."(New England Sports Network) Really? Got out of hand?! This makes absolutely zero sense. Does a serial killer who's got a premeditated body count of twenty come out and say that "it got out of hand?"  

I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, I'm going nuts, we can't be 0-6, I'm going nuts...Source: Tennessee Football from Every Angle.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees!: Favre's sole achievement of the week was "not losing to Baltimore," and he was outperformed by Joe Flacco. However, in Monday Night's ESPN poll of which quarterback shone the brightest in week 6, everybody but the state of Massachusetts voted for Drew Brees, who threw 23/20 for 369 yards and an astonishing 4 touchdowns. He was not running up the score against a winless opponent, but rather, single-handedly dismantling the secondary of the New York Giants, who had the best combined defensive unit in the entire NFL. After he was satisfied, he simply sat on the bench and let the backups finish the game. And the Scoring Machines continue to dominate the NFC!

Truly Special Special Teams: In the 4th quarter, Atlanta was driving and poised to score again. However, on third down, Bears rookie FS Al Afalava got in the way of Matt Ryan's target (tight end Tony Gonzalez) forcing the Falcons to punt. Devin Hester lined up deep to receive, and within one second of the fair catch signal the penalty flags flew. The reason? Chicago had 12 men on the field, and Al Michaels groaned "Now there is a major foul-up." Oi vey. Although Chicago went on to intercept Ryan's next pass and march it back for a touchdown, it's the principle of the thing already!

Good Sir, it appears you dropped something! The Bears' foul-ups on Sunday night also kept my father from sleeping. Source: William DeShazer, Chicago Tribune.

Special Teams That Are Actually Special, and NOT Special: Monday night's Bolts/Broncos skirmish marked the first time in NFL history that both teams had a kick return for a touchdown. San Diego's Darren Sproles zoomed down the field, running between the legs of slow defenders, and Denver had two, which I think comprised about half of their total yardage. In other news, the DSM-IV now categorizes "kicking to Eddie Royal" as a disorder that merits one's removal from society and locking in a padded cell. 

Amusing Announcing: Jim Zorn, while not fired yet, is now not allowed to call plays after the 'Skins lost to the winless Chiefs. Someone remarked to Second and One on Tuesday, "If I lived in DC, I'd want Zorn locked in a cage with Tom Cable for half an hour." Apparently it's pretty bad. A series of commentators on the NFL network discussed the number of people who are currently crying, Merchant of Venice-style, for a pound of Zorn's flesh. Without explicitly re-stating the allegory, one of them then began "Well, I don't want his flesh!" Which is just an...odd turn of phrase. Of course, this "not calling plays" nonsense begs the question of what Zorn is still doing in Washington. Is he the team's mascot or something?

Additionally, in the depressing Bears-Falcons contest, NBC announcers extolled the Bears' offense after dominating the Lions "last week." The problem with this is that the Bears didn't dominate anyone last week - they were on bye! Please, announcers! Make sure brain is engaged before mouth is opened!

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It's not looking good. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, have lost for the third straight week, despite putting up 90 points! I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, beyond invoking the Just Plain Bad Luck principle. How was I supposed to know I would only score three points between two running backs (Morris, who was injured in the opening minutes of the Pats/Titans game, and Jacobs, who was all but stuffed and displayed as a trophy by the Saints), or that Baltimore's defense, who only allowed 100 yards on the ground once in of its last 40 games, would roll over and absolutely die against Adrian Peterson? Of course, my receiving core (Knox/Hester, Welker, Holmes) is also inconsistent, and I'm using all sorts of dodgy stochastic methods to decide who to start at tight end (and I'm wrong about 80% of the time, it seems). However, this week it is impossible for me to lose. I have stacked the deck in my favor. Rodgers against Cleveland, Addai and the Colts' D against St. Louis, Welker against the narcoleptic Buccaneers, Holmes against the Vikes, who will force Roethlisberger to throw all day, Celek against Washington** and Sidney Rice, who has been Favre-lous! If the 'Nukies blow another one, I will conclude my team is cursed!

This is all for now; I'm at work and need to actually do so!

*Well, except for the Bears, who statistically outperformed Atlanta in every conceivable category and still lost the %#!&ing game because they just couldn't get it in the end zone. It was like watching a bad version of Star Wars. Negative. It didn't go in, just impacted on the surface!

***Alternatively, Visanthe Shiancoe against Pittsburgh, who couldn't cover a tight end with water if asked to.

Bad Psychology

My dreams are weird. Usually they consist of random mish-mash from my day, or certain bits of chemistry replayed over and over; I conclude that it's my brain's way of organizing my thoughts. Unfortunately, my brain organizes sort of like the way a three-year-old organizes a filing cabinet: by tossing everything together on the floor.

Once and a while I'll dream about football. About 20% of the time it's my friends and I at a game, or random statistics, but maybe 80% of the time I'm playing quarterback. No other position, ever - I dreamed that after Favre "retired" that I was the starter for Green Bay, I've dreamed that I've played for my alma mater; heck, I think I've even sat on the bench next to Tom Brady a couple of times.

Anyway, after last night's depressing Bears/Falcons contest, my dream consisted of one long montage of the Bears losing to every team in the league. At the same time as this was happening, I had regressed to being ten years old, and thus became incapable of understanding anything else. Bits of my life flickered before me. While the Bears were losing to the Ravens, an attractive member of the opposite sex tried to talk with me, but I couldn't understand - I was ten and the Bears were losing. When the Bears were losing to the Chargers (which pretty much ran as a reel of the microscopic Garrett Wolfe being pancaked by Shawne Merriman), some big-shot in my field was trying to offer me a really good job, but I couldn't understand any of it.

The dream ended with me, sitting in my fifth grade class, surrounded by other depressed ten-year-olds in Bears regalia, all sobbing over why the Bears had blown it so badly. I woke up at about 5:30 AM thinking "Hey, we can beat Cincinnati, right?" And I didn't know whether to start crying or laughing, honestly.

Of course, the moral of this whole story (which is a good one for everyone) is to not get too worked up over the outcome of any sporting event, or you risk looking like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But I use it as a study in psychology - Amazing what a sucker-punch loss can temporarily do to a fan's subconscious, eh?*

News to come after the Monday night skirmish.

*And with this, my unbroken record of being nervous days before Chicago plays Atlanta will continue, no doubt.

David and Goliath

In this special edition of Kollege Kickoff, Second and One solutes the underdogs. This Saturday, more than a few Other Ones Bit the Dust, and there were a fair share of darn good near-upsets as well! 

Big 12 Edition, In Which My Mass Spectroscopist Has a Stroke: In Lincoln, Nebraska, Red Raider QB Steven Sheffield (subbing for the injured Taylor Potts) began the game by completing 14 of his first 16 passes and an early touchdown. Six minutes later, Nebraska fumbled on a botched lateral and Tech ran it back 82 yards to the house to put the Red Raiders up 14-0. Technically (heh) Tech's defense let Nebraska move up and down the field (Tech was slightly edged out in both total and rushing yards) - but they simply did not let them score. the 'Huskers couldn't get it in the end zone until more than six minutes into the 4th period. A miracle comeback couldn't be staged by Pelini and Company*, and #15 was blasted out of the sky. In other news, the agonized wails of my group's mass spectroscopist (whom I've described before as being the most die-hard of the die-hard Husker fans) are reported to have been heard all the way to France.  

What do you mean we're losing by 21!? Fire that scoreboard operator for such a silly error!! Source: AP/Dave Weaver 

Big 12 Edition, In Which Mangino Chokes on a "Cupcake:" First, an intellectual pseudo-point o' contention: does anybody know what the proper pluralization of buffalo actually is? Isn't it just the singular buffalo, like deer or cattle? Or is it buffalos?Buffaloes (as Colorado says it is? Tomatos? Tomatoes?) Second and One also notes that technically, there are no true buffalo in North America. The majestic beasts that roam the sweeping plains of the US are bison - the term "buffalo" is used to describe African buffalo and Asian water buffalo, which the American bison actually has very little relation to. (Wikipedia) But this is likely a moot point, as there are currently no wolverines in Michigan, either.**

Anyway, the 1-4 Colorado Buffaloes Buffalo Buffalos Bison were statistically outgained in total yardage by the undefeated Kansas Jayhawks - by 101 yards. The Jayhawks depended on the pass the entire game, literally. They tried to run and got pushed back 8 yards, whereas Colorado had over 140 yards on the ground, making the game look like an infantry division versus an air raid. The Buffaloes had fewer first downs, fewer yards per pass, more turnovers, and more penalties - and won the game by four. How? A last-second pair of swatted-down passes kept Kansas out of the end zone, and #17 fell to its knees.  

Big 10 Edition, In Which Purdue Breathes A Collective Sigh of Relief That They Don't Suck Nearly As Hard As They Thought They Did: Now here's the real stunner of the day: At 5-1, Jim Tressel's Buckeyes seemed an unstoppable force, shooting up through the BCS standings to #7. On the other end, the Purdue Boilermakers, whom I've been following asThe Team the Football Gods Hate, have been plagued by turnovers, leading the nation in slop, error, and just plain bad luck. After blowing five games straight, the team was dejected and fans were woeful and angry, calling new head coach Danny Hope "Danny Hopeless"(Purdue Exponent). The chemistry department at Purdue was no doubt working on a secret adhesive to bond footballs specifically to the team's hands.***  

What everyone failed to notice, however, is that Purdue's offense was a sleeping, dangerous giant. Even after five losses (none of which were by more than seven points), Purdue's Joey Elliot lead the conference in pass yardage and average yards per game. Purdue RB Ralph Bolden was #2 in rushing and 3rd in all-purpose yards. Purdue wideout Keith Smith was #2 in everything, and punt returner/general whiz kid Aaron Valentin leads the conference in all-purpose. (ESPN Big Ten Blog). Purdue's offense was fourth in the division, with an astonishing 410 yards per game on average. In addition, kicker Carson Wiggs holds the school record for longest field goal - by six yards - beating only his own previous record, and has made three of his past 16 field goals from 50 yards or longer. (More scary Wiggs stats c/o Purdue Exponent). Good LORD! If Purdue had committed only half as many turnovers, this team would have been a formidable, ranked scoring machine.

Welcome to West Lafayette, Mr. Pryor. Now would you like to be buried or cremated? Source: AP/Darron Cummings

It is this fact precisely that Ohio State failed to acknowledge. They underestimated and looked past Purdue and QB Joey Elliot, who channeled the aura of Drew Brees and passed for 281 yards, 14 points, and only one pick - and the overconfident Buckeyes suffered for it. Of course, some fans and astute observers also had clued into the possibility that the Boilers were a dark horse. The night before the game, my buddy Tom called me and said, "You know, MC, I just have this feeling. I just have this feeling that this is a trap game." Tom - if you're out there reading - kudos for calling that one!

Purdue first took the lead by a fire-drill field goal in the final ticks of the first half, and then opened it up in the third. Their greatest lead was by 16 points, and they finished ahead by 8. In stark contrast to yesterday's other upsets, where the underdogs were statistically edged out but still won, the Boilermakers dominated every conceivable category, only falling short in yards per pass simply because they passed more. The Purdue defense forced five turnovers, including four by extremely frustrated quarterback Terelle Pryor (whom they also sacked three times), and the Boiler team as a whole played cleanly and with extreme discipline, committing only one penalty for negative yardage (a false start). Good heavens, when did these guys grow some fortitude?! Sure, everyone and their brother realizes that the Big Ten is normally a giant Mobius Strip of win/loss-by-proxy (e.g., we spanked the team that stomped the team that obliterated us in week 2, etc.), but a shocker like this really makes people scratch their chins, especially when the team doing the shocking hasn't beaten a ranked opponent in six years! This is why we love college football! 

How Did We Get Out of That One?!: In addition to the epic upsets, there were a few close shaves that could have easily nicked some major arteries. Had Oklahoma (16) QB Sam Bradford not been re-injured in the first quarter of the Red River Rivalry, there's a chance #3 Texas may have been in trouble. Florida? Winning by a field goal in the last 9 seconds of the game against unranked Arkansas? Cold day in the underworld! USC, stopping Notre Dame in the red zone as the clock ran down in regulation? What on Earth is going on? Iowa (11) not waking up until halftime against a team that calls themselves the "Badgers"? Tulsa coming within 7 of menacing Boise State (5)? Maintenance check on the BCS computer, please!

***

Now, NFL Picks for Week Six: 

New York Giants @ New Orleans: When I was all of 19 years old, I learned in college physics that an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. I find now that this applies to football as well. Both teams are coming into this one with an awful lot of scary, undefeated raw inertia, and it's often hard to call games like this without looking at lots and lots of little details, which I don't have time to do. Eli Manning, who is second in fantastical quarterbacking ability only to his big brother, is playing with a tender injured foot. When Eli doesn't feel well, things don't click perfectly 100% of the time. The Saints have a first-class run/pass attack that seems very hard to stop, and the linchpin of this whole thing may easily come down to the Saints' offense vs. the Giants' defense. Home-field advantage may make a difference here, so I'm picking Big Easy over Big Blue.  

Baltimore @ Minnesota: For 39 straight games, it was easier trying to rush against a parked semi than trying to rush against Baltimore - the Blackbirds did not allow 100 yards on the ground until last week's breakout by Cedric Benson. More bad psychology! Now, whether this was a fluke or not- collapsing only one time out of forty is pretty good - remains to be seen, but it's a terrible week to be in that situation, as the Ravens are up against Adrian Peterson. Even if they can corral Purple Jesus, they force a still-accurate Brett Favre to throw to a talented receiving corps, which is another tough situation to be in. In order to win, the Ravens are going to have to stop the run, blitz their brains out, and not draw costly penalties! Of course, the offense will have to do their part too, and although they're strong, they're unpredictable at best. As much as I'd like to see someone whack the Vikes, I don't believe it will happen here. Minnesota.

Chicago @ Atlanta: Both teams are in a statistical dead heat. The Bears have a better passing game but a good run defense. The Falcons have a better run game but good pass defense. The Bears' D-line can reliably make life totally miserable for a quarterback up against them. Matt Ryan has only been sacked twice all season. In both teams' previous games, they blew out their opponents. In dead heat games, one of two things can happen. In some cases, the two teams just whack up against each other like fists on a brick wall, and a low-scoring game results. In other cases, both teams can find their opponents' Achilles' heels, and unless adjustments are made, you get a greater shootout than the Matrix trilogy. Chicago's Achilles heel: injuries in their slow-starting secondary. Atlanta's Achilles heel: they're outgained on special teams. This is probably going to be one of those games where someone wins by a field goal - which the Bears, with Robbie "Good as" Gould are better at doing. But again, we're evened out: Ludacris once rapped "I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome, on the 50-yard-line, while the Dirty Birds kick for three..." So because I can't sort out the yin-yang mess that is these two teams, I consider myself, as a Bears fan, too biased to call this game, and step aside. So let's do it this way. To the readers: Flip a coin. If it's heads, like the Bears' level-headed defense, the Monsters of the Midway will win. But if it's tails, like the feathered plumage of the flashy Ryan/Turner/White show, the Falcons have it.  

Is there any predictive power in Ludacris' lewd lyrics? Source: beattrend.com 

There we have it. I won't call a fourth game this week because I'm trying to finish my fantasy lineups. News + witticisms later. 

*Am I the only person who thinks this sounds like a beauty salon?

**I say "currently" because there used to be.

***Boy, I hope it would be specific. Otherwise, the officials would start suspecting funny business when kickers got their feet stuck to the balls and the QB's hands became cemented under the center's backside. 

Midterm Exam, Part 2

Picking up from where we left off last time...

On Their Way In:

San Diego (2-2): Philip Rivers is like a cat: he punctuates long periods of relative dormancy with frantic bursts of sheer insanity. One such bout was the Steelers/Chargers contest, in which the ‘Bolts were shut out at the half and then cranked up the voltage in the 4^th period to put up 21. If the Powder Blues can keep up this ability and ignore the fact that they’re coached by Norv Turner, who is an amusingly palindromic 79-97, they’ll be as they always are: pretty good. I’m not saying they’ll beat Denver or not go One-and-Done in the playoffs, but they’ll be ok. Plus: who doesn’t like watching Darren Sproles?

Seattle (2-3): Despite the team starting slowly, Matt Hasselbeck is back in practice, and he will have no problem hooking up with TJ Houshmandzadeh (which I actually spelled right the first time.) in this Sunday’s Battle in Seattle against the Cards. Seattle has a lot of momentum after embarrassing Jacksonville and finally closing the wardrobe door on their earlier ugly uniform choices.

Against Jacksonville, The Seahawks chose to only dip their hands and feet into the Kryptonite instead of wearing it. Source: Corky Trewin, seahawks.com.

Pittsburgh (3-2): They’re playing Cleveland at home in Heinz Field. Cleveland blew the last eleven in this series. The Steelers won their last two, including the first road win of the season. Roethlisberger’s throwing to absolutely everyone. But most important: Troy Polamalu is back, and is ready to eat Derek Anderson for lunch. I don’t think I need to say much more. They’re probably the strongest of this bunch. (Ok, this time, the rhyme was unintentional.) 

Houston (2-3): Houston is like a watered-down, low-calorie, guilt-free version of San Diego: similar standout pass offense, similarly quiet running game, and similar unimpressive defense for the exception of against the rush, and similar ability to stay in close shootouts. Fun Fact: seven points or fewer have decided three out of the last five games involving the Texans. When Matt Schaub is in his happy place, he can play like a man possessed. 

New York Jets (3-2): Mayday! Mayday! After Sanchez turned the afterburners on for three consecutive weeks, the Jets have lost their last two games and now WR Jerricho Cotchery isn’t feeling too well. Nonetheless, the Jets, after the Favre disaster and coaching turnover, have new blood and new life, and are up against Buffalo and Oakland next. They’re not in bad shape at all, considering that they’re tied with New England and the other half of the AFC East is below 0.500.

On Their Way Out:

Baltimore (3-2): Baltimore fans have complained needlessly that the referees are repeatedly ramming the Ravens, yet did you know that Baltimore is currently the most heavily penalized team in the NFL? (Baltimore Sun) The defense repeatedly drew costly personal fouls against both New England and Cincinnati, likely playing a role in these losses. The Blackbirds head up north next to take on the undefeated Vikings, and the officials won’t be any less generous about protecting the aging Brett Favre.

Jacksonville (2-3): Jacksonville hasn’t been very good since 2007, when they went 11-5. In 2008, they did the inverse, finishing 5-11. While I think they’ll do better than last year, they’re not off to a terrific start and are suffering from some team drama; Mike Sims-Walker, the team’s star wideout, was benched for violating team rules. QB David Garrard also had been hosting a radio show where he connected with fans and editorialized about the sport, which Jack Del Rio was opposed to. Papa Jack pulled the plug on Garrard’s blather, and the Jags went on to blow their next game to Arizona. (NFL.com) They later suffered a bone-crushing loss as the Seahawks shut them out 41 to zip. Perhaps the coach thought Garrard didn’t have a very good radio voice? But hey, what can we expect from a team whose mascot accidentally lit himself on fire during a pyrotechnics stunt? (Juggling Apples).

Jaxson de Ville, when not channeling the spirit of Richard Pryor.

San Francisco (3-2): The Niners don’t make any sense this year. They are ranked in the bottom three in pass yardage and total yardage, and beat Arizona despite doing nothing impressive. Frank Gore ran all over Seattle and San Fran hung tight with the Vikings, but they lost to the latter in true stomach-punch fashion. Yet there is no adjective to describe what Atlanta did to them last week. Obliterated? Annihilated? Violated? I think they’ll have a winning record, but I don’t think a team can keep up this kind of inconsistency for a terribly long time without eventually folding.

Green Bay (2-2): The loss of Favre has really hurt the Packers. They went from 13-3 in 2007 to 6-10 in 2008. They’re 2-2 this year, beating only a slow-starting Chicago and a St. Louis team that’s, well…St. Louis, while losing to the Vikings and the Bengals. The Packers seem like another team were Some Assembly May Be Required. Aaron Rodgers can put up some good numbers, and absolutely anybody can throw anything to Donald Driver, but they’re playing behind an injured, undisciplined offensive line that couldn’t protect a butterfly, and their defense thus far has proven to be average at best. 

Bad, But Room for Improvement:

Detroit (1-4): What’s there to say about Detroit that hasn’t been said already? They’ve got a promising new quarterback, and Calvin Johnson, as always, has got good hands and soul, but yet the team remains the epitome of the Motor City’s post-Millenial decline. It would be nice to see the Lions finally remove the pesky “L” that follows them around. This would, of course, result in them becoming the Detroit Ions, but ions have at least got spark. Until then: President Obama, can we have a bailout in aisle 9?

Carolina (1-4): The Big Black cats are still suffering from Playoff-itis. Ever since that game, where Jake Delhomme single-handedly stuffed the whole team into the toilet and flushed, they haven’t been the same, blowing all four preseason games and only winning for the first time against Washington last week - by a field goal. Still, on the season, Delhomme, who is 34, has thrown 3 touchdowns, but has thrown eight interceptions, has personally lost two fumbles, and has been sacked ten times. Ay caramba! Can DeAngelo Williams just throw the ball and run down the field to catch it, already?

Washington (2-3): Washington is the strongest of this lot because they have won two games. The catch: the two wins came against Tampa and St. Louis. They lost to Detroit, the G-men, and Carolina, making all of this team’s statistics relevant only in the context of the bottom-feeder bracket, mostly. Considering this caveat, Washington is only mediocre on offense. Did you know that the Redskins’ secondary is third in pass coverage and the team is fifth in total yardage allowed and sixth in total points allowed? Of course, for the exception of New York, the teams they played couldn’t collectively take out a rug and beat it, but still, these figures make them the most promising of the lesser teams. Plus: week 1’s faux punt/touchdown was still the coolest special teams play of the season.*

Buffalo (1-4): Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Is this the same team that lost to the Patriots by a single point in the first week? After toying with Tampa and winning, the Bills went on to lose their next two games by a combined fifty-eight points. Good God almighty. In physics, momentum is defined as the product of mass and velocity. Unfortunately, Buffalo appears to have none of these three.

Shoot them Behind the Woodshed:

Cleveland (1-4): It’s a catastrophe. Braylon Edwards, who apparently had been starting some drama in Cleveland, is traded to the Jets, rapidly learns their routines, and scores a touchdown on Monday night. Cleveland, on the other hand, just cannot score, averaging 11 points per game. Some Browns fans thought the problem was Brady Quinn, yet Derek Anderson has done essentially no better, indicating deeper bad blood (likely left over from the Romeo Crennel era) that just can’t be exorcised. Plus, not to be juvenile, you know your team is bad when “taking the Browns to the Superbowl” is a slang term for using the toilet. However, as they have actually won a game, they’re the strongest of this bunch and could easily move up into the above category now that Jamal Lewis is healthier. 

Tennessee (0-5): What is wrong with this team?! I just attended at a two-day symposium, and if a series of organic chemists who collectively know approximately as much about football as a potted plant can all agree that there is something seriously amiss down in Tennessee, then there is an obvious disconnect somewhere. But WHAT is it? This team routed practically the entire AFC forward and backward last season, and now finds themselves on the receiving end of what appears to be some kind of enormous cosmic joke. Sure, to quote one of yesterday’s crew, “Collins is older than dirt”, but Kenny Britt isn’t a bad receiver, and Johnson and White aren’t bad running backs. Is it the loss of defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz to the Lions? Is it more Vince Young drama? Why is it that the only Titan to score points these days is Rob “Still Can’t Hit the Broad Side of a Barn” Bironas? If someone knows the answer to why the Titans have failed so miserably, please tell me!

Second and One believes this logo is more appropriate for the 2009 Titans.

St. Louis (0-5): (The Rams, also known as the Lambs and the Yams due to the fact that everyone eats them for dinner) are a winless, witless, limpid, listless, amorphous pile of goo, lead by the Bulger/Boller Battle O’ Badness. There are no words to describe this team right now: Despite their thirty-second flashes of brilliance from time-to-time, they are the New Detroit, having lost 31 of their last 36 games. Second and One proposes that they are bad on purpose, to avoid being purchased by Rush Limbaugh. Statistic O’ Suckage: the Rams lead the league in fumbles lost, and have made some extremely poor decisions. When you are on the road and losing, you do not punt from midfield! Ugh! 

Tampa Bay (0-5): The Second entry in our “What happened here?!” category, the Buccaneers, under Brian Griese, were headed toward a wild-card spot until the final implosion and subsequent firing of Jon Gruden, who’s not half-bad as a commentator. However, whatever bad chemistry started at the end of the season has not been cleansed by Raheem Morris. Gregg Easterbrook of Tuesday Morning Quarterback notes duly that the Bucs and Titans followed a 22-5 streak by promptly going 0-15 together.  Also: Why are they called the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? They don’t play in the bay; they’re not a water polo team. Easterbook refers to them collectively as “City of Tampa” – well played, although they might as well play in Tampa Bay; they’re already sunk!

Kansas City (0-5): I have come to the conclusion that nobody in Missouri can play football this year except maybe Mizzou. Matt Cassel was all but a star for the Patriots, promising to print more cash than the national mint if released into free agency, as he lead them 11-5. Unless he wins the next eleven straight, we’ve got either a rebuilding year or a serious mismatch!

Oakland (1-4): Oakland is perhaps the pinnacle of seriously bad psychology. The team has not scored a touchdown in three weeks. JaMarcus Russell, if anyone follows fantasy point trends, has been below 30 – on the entire season thus far. For perspective, Aaron Rodgers had 31 points alone against St. Louis (give or take five points depending upon what scoring system you’re using). On top of it, head coach Tom Cable has been suspected of assaulting a defensive assistant and may face potential disciplinary action from the Commissioner’s office and criminal charges. (ESPN) The gory, violent details can be read at ESPN. Their best hope is that at least they’ll get to draft high next year, and could go for a good QB/WR combo, because when JaMarcus Russell can actually throw the ball, the only person who seems to be able to catch it is his tight end Zach Miller.

The Raiderettes score more points with fans than the actual team does. Source: Scores Report, NFL.com.

That's all for now! Next time: college coverage, 'Nukes update, and picks for the week!

 *Well, except for Johnny Knox pulling a Gayle Sayers and running back a punt from end zone to end zone.

Midterm Exam, Part I

As it stands now, we are about one-third through the NFL regular season. At about the same time, many college students are having their first midterm exam. So: time for Professor MC to regurgitate what's known about the league!

Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernauts Who Will Eat Your Children: 

New Orleans (4-0): The Saints have one of the most frightening dual-attack offenses in the country. Although they are 11th in pass yards after two rather grounded games and the bye week, they are 2nd in rush yards and a solid first in overall ability to put up points. And to quote John Madden, "In order win a football game, you have to score points." Duh! On the defensive side of the ball, they're in the top ten for everything but pass yards allowed, where they are currently ranked eleventh. Not bad. Not bad at all for a team named after a song that was originally a funeral hymn.

Indianapolis (5-0): I think understand the Colts now. They've had many changes - a new stadium, coaching turnover, aging players, defensive injuries, heartbreaking playoff collapses, the sheer despair that is playing in Indianapolis - why is it they're always so good? The answer: Peyton Manning. This guy plays with the "intensity" switch permanently stuck in the "on" position, masterfully commanding his offense time and time again. On Sunday, he passed Fran Tarkenton's touchdown and yardage records. It's like having an offensive coordinator that can run the show and stand under center at the same time. Although I have no idea how to interpret Manning's audibles and wild hand signals - it's like watching the love-child of Marcel Marceau and a traffic cop conducting the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, while Joseph Addai and Donald Brown fly across the stage. 

Yeah. You'd better be lookin' at this. Source: operationsports.

Denver (5-0): Kyle Orton's accuracy has been pinpoint with his receivers, and he has only thrown one interception this entire season. In a true test of strength, Josh McDaniels bested his mentor on Sunday afternoon, banishing Belichick, Brady, and the Boston Patriots as Matt Prater nailed the game-winning field goal. Their only downside: extremely ugly throwback uniforms. However, Denver's had some nail-biters. They barely escaped from Dallas last week, and beat Cincinnati on a sheer miracle. Ergo, I believe they're the weakest of the unstoppables.

Bonus note: Two of the three Scary Strongmen are teams named after horses. Barring the fact that both teams are in the AFC, do I hear a My Little Pony Bowl in the future? 

Let's Talk When they Beat Another Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernaut:

New York Giants (5-0): Is there anything bad to say about the Giants? Eli Manning is rapidly turning into Peyton Manning Lite and they have a solid defense and two of the league's best power rushers in Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. They have yet to play anyone, however, who truly can test their strength, instead beating confused Dallas, the winless Bucs and winless Chiefs, sputtering, vomitous Washington, and 1-4 Oakland. Is there any easier schedule than that?! The true test comes this week, when Big Blue collides with the sweeping hurricane that is the Saints. Ask me next week about the G-Men again.

Laudamus Adoramus Gigantes...but for how long? Source: Jim McIsaac, Getty Images

Minnesota (5-0): Brett Favre has really breathed life into a team that has historically imploded in the clutch even more than Indianapolis - the Vikes have been to four Superbowls, and they've lost four times. Their explosive start this year is a far cry from the Tarvaris Jackson/Gus Frerotte fiasco of last season, but who knows how Favre will hold up once his arms start achin' and the snow starts flyin'. Again, Purple Jesus and ilk have faced a ridiculously easy schedule: craptacular Cleveland, demolished Detroit, Sucky St. Louis, the Packers, who are suffering on the line, and the 49ers, whom the Vikes were one freaky, Favre-ian play away from losing to. Ask me next week after the Baltimore game. 

Hangin' Around, Lookin' Fine, But Ask Again When There's a Game on the Line: 

Chicago (3-1): The Jay Cutler trade was a good deal for everyone involved, and Cutler seems to slowly be integrating with the team. The Bears actually do not have any impressive offensive statistics. Yet they possess incredible special teams, can force turnovers, and can score with their defense. The Bears are currently 4th in sacks, tied for third for longest punts, lead the league in kickoff return yardage and average kick return yards, and are one of only three teams to have a return TD this season. In fact, they are seventh in pure ability to put up points. They have shown that they can finish games and find a way to win, much to the delight of their extremely nervous fan-base. The downside? A continually-ailing and sensitive secondary, and young receivers who still make rookie mistakes. As it stands now, they're not in the hunt for anything if matched against heavy, pass-wacky teams, but they're not out of anyone's picture, especially if someone can knock off the Vikings. 

Cincinnati (4-1): Like the Bears, they do not have any impressive statistics. But they've got bravado, and I'm beginning to think the Bengals may be for real, taking down both Pittsburgh and Baltimore - not neglecting the fact that these teams are not your father's* Steelers or Ravens. They're on the other end of the Orton/Stokley miracle play, however. They face off against Houston this weekend, and Chicago next weekend. We'll know more then.

Philadelphia (3-1): Philly is a weaker, jazz-free, no-nonsense version of New Orleans, much like what the faux, Wal-Mart Dr. Pepper is to actual Dr. Pepper. Both contain plenty of caffeine and plenty of fizz, but in the end, only one is real. It's nice to see the bad PR surrounding Michael Vick hasn't got them down, however, and they continue to put up a solid stream of points, even under capable backup Kevin Kolb. The reason they belong in this category is that they too have had an easy schedule that included Carolina, Tampa Bay, and Kansas City, all of whom were squashed by 18 points or more. The illusion will likely continue as the Eagles play Oakland and Washington next.** 

He may be a hunk, but has he got the spunk? And yes, the leader of the study group was female, thank you for asking. Source: Sundaypaper.com

Atlanta (3-1): The Falcons are a weird team. Like Chicago, they don't have any especially impressive stats other than preventing other teams from scoring fairly well, so it will be interesting to see how they match up with Chicago. They blew one to the unpredictable patriots, but they absolutely blew out the swelling 49ers likely to the chagrin of the head of my research group, who is from San Francisco. Also, everyone acknowledges that Matt Ryan is some kind of genetic mutation: can repeatedly throw for over 300 yards, has not been sacked in anyone's recent memory, and in a recent study, was scientifically proven to be the NFL's sexiest QB. (Wall Street Journal). But does pretty pay the rent?

Reply Hazy, Try Again Later: 

Dallas (3-2): Dallas is like a box of car parts - they could be incredibly cool, if only they were assembled properly. They've got good players. Tashard Choice, Tony Romo, Miles Austin, and Jason Witten, who is one of the league's best tight ends, bar none. Do you know that Dallas puts up over 420 yards per game on average? Perhaps this is because they spend so much time trying to edge out opponents in the final seconds of the game or in overtime! Are they really missing Terrell Owens this much?

Miami (1-3): Miami has had 110 first downs this season as compared to 82 by all opponents, and has won the time-of-possession battle by over 10 minutes. They have had almost 200 total offensive yards more. They lead the league in rushing yards per game. Last year, the Dolphin's wildcat formations yielded an average of 8.9 yards per play (Daily Fix). What's wrong with this picture? We can explain why the the sky is blue, why certain chemicals won't react with other chemicals, and can sell ThighMaster to foreigners, but we can't put Miami's stats into a supercomputer to find out why they're only 1-3? Although this may be changing: Chad Henne's explosive offense finally worked it out on Monday night and crashed the Jets. 

New England (3-2): Good news: Brady's finally healthy again. Bad news: they barely beat Buffalo. They're only 3-2. Good news: Well, looks like they finally stopped cheating and the Jets had their revenge in week 2!

Arizona (2-2): Ken Whisenhunt's Deck of Cards seems off to a slow start. Kurt Warner, however, is like chocolate, or maybe pizza: when he's good, he's really, really, really, REALLY good, and when he's bad, he's still better than having no QB at all.*** Having had Warner and Fitzgerald both on fantasy teams before, when these two are on, and on in tandem, your opponent might as well turn out the lights, because the party's over. If they're not, who do the Cardinals have? Boldin? Hightower from the backfield? 

Part 2 to come later. Remember kids: there's a short quiz next period.

*Or mother's = we're equal-opportunity here.

**Eagles fans: Before you come after me and throw things, I'm saying your team is good, ok?

***Original versions of this joke were not safe for work or little readers. 

Sunday!

College news!

First, did anyone see the Michigan/Iowa game last night?  Insane! "It's time these Wolverines get the whipping that's coming to them!" one Iowa fan remarked to me. Iowa QB Ricky Stanzi, who started early by giving Michigan a gift-wrapped pick-six, rapidly redeemed himself with nearly 300 yards in the air and two TDs. Michigan hoped for a miracle comeback: late in the game, coach Rich Rodriguez pulled Freshman Messiah Robert Patrick "Tate" Forcier after he threw for only 94 yards and an easy interception. Freshman backup Denard Robinson whittled the point differential to two, but then threw a pick that ended the game. Fans stormed the field at Kinnick Stadium, and if Iowa keeps playing like this, they'll rapidly skyrocket up the ratings. Sorry, Michigan: you may not look like total boneheads, but your deal with the Devil ended with Lloyd Carr. 

Uniforms provided by the Pittsburgh Steelers Charity Foundation. Source: AP/Charlie Niebergall.

Excuse Me While I Come Out of Nowhere: In a Big East showdown at Heinz Field, UConn lead by 15 points as the third quarter dwindled to its end. Dejected Pitt, however, struck back with a breakout run and breakout pass play to put seven on the board. Another seven plus a deuce conversion tied it in the fourth quarter. UConn punted, and the Panthers plowed down the field to nail the coffin shut with an extra point-sized field goal - and 18 unanswered points. Fun Fact: Pitt had one of its most ridiculous comebacks last season, as a field goal finally put away pesky Notre Dame, at Notre Dame, in quadruple overtime. Those watching at home promptly needed a quadruple bypass. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Mizzou (24)/Nebraska (21) was one messy game. In nearly four quarters of intense, driving rain, there were five turnovers and numerous other fumbles recovered by the fumblees. The score was 2-0, Mizzou, at the half. Someone later remarked to Second and One, "That's like a baseball score. Or, worse yet, soccer!" The two points came when Nebraska punter Alex Henry, pinned up against his own goalpost, caught a bad snap. Facing heavy pressure from defenders and slipping on the frictionless turf, Henry simply tossed the soggy football out the back of the end zone, for fear of being smeared from sideline to sideline. D'oh! Despite the extremely slow start, Nebraska rallied to win by 15. Confucius says: those who lose to Cornhuskers say "Aw, shucks!"

Safety is more important than safeties during the Missouri Monsoon Bowl. Source: L. G. Patterson, A.P.

Another one Bites the Dust: #17 Auburn was drop-kicked into next Tuesday by the unranked Arkansas Razorbacks. Petrino and company won by 21, while Auburn head coach Gene Chizik removed his headset and stood hopelessly on the sidelines. Ouch. 

Hook, Line, and Stinker: In addition to talking about the Cinderella stories and amazing upsets, we here at Second and One also like to talk about teams that are setting a new futility record! Purdue continues its mortifying collapse into the depths of fail, blowing another early lead (10 points) to lose to Minnesota by 15. (What is with everyone and 15 points this week?) After the first quarter, the Football Gods decided that mocking the Boilermakers was way too much fun to pass up, and after the easy ten points promptly served up the following terribly poisonous menu: Punt, Interception, Field Goal, Shanked Punt that Only Went Seven Yards, Fumbled Kickoff Return, Blocked Field Goal for a Touchdown, Turnover on Downs, Touchdown (the Proverbial Too Little Too Late), Turnover on Downs, Interception. Jeeeeez, is there any worse sequence of events than that? Whilst the football gods are it it, they might as well send lightning strikes, broken fingers, and jock itch! Fun Fact: Purdue now leads the country in turnovers. In second place is Miami of Ohio. 

In honor of their football team, Purdue's School of Culinary Arts bakes up a big box of turnovers. Source (and a very good recipe!)

Amusing Announcing: During the MSU/Illinois skirmish, announcers were talking about MSU tight end Garrett Celek, stating "His dad plays for the Philadelphia Eagles." Um...whilst there is a Celek who plays for the Eagles (TE Brent Celek, whom I've mentioned numerous times in my fantasy football analysis), there is no way he can be Garrett Celek's father unless there's some serious time-traveling*: Brent Celek is 24-years old, and their father (according to the Eagles' website) is some kind of businessman who never played for anyone). Please, announcers: Be sure brain is engaged before mouth is opened!

***

Now, my NFL picks for the week:

Pittsburgh @ Detroit: Normally I would say that since the Steelers, sans Polamalu, have been less-than-stellar on the road and lost to Cincinnati, and the Lions looked surprisingly competent against Washington (and in the first half of the Bears game), that we might be entering rarefied upset territory. However, there is a good chance that Matthew Stafford will not start, and I expect the Steeler D to have their way with the slower Daunte Culpepper. Roethlisberger (and the O-line) have had problems allowing sacks, but the Lions' pass defense is ranked 25th. Pittsburgh, but maybe by a lower margin than one might expect.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore: Cincy has won three of its last four games, dropping one to Denver. Baltimore has won three of its last four games, dropping one to New England. Gosh, this is a toughie. Both teams have some bad psychology (Cincy's cowardly "punt-for-the-tie" business vs. Baltimore's "The refs are out to get us" rap). Both Palmer and Flacco can have very good days and very bad days. However, where as Cincinnati has not won by more than seven points, Baltimore looks more convincing, beating KC by 14 and the hapless Browns by 31. Also: the Bengals are 11th in rushing, and everyone knows you don't run on Baltimore. It's going to be a long day for both teams, but I'll pick the Ravens. 

Indianapolis @ Tennessee: Is there any team in greater disarray than the Tennessee Titans? Fans, coaches, and sportswriters alike are clamoring for Kerry Collins to be benched (as if Vince Young could save the day) - and this chemistry is NOT good, folks! The Sinking Titanics floundered against anemic Jacksonville, whereas Peyton Manning and company, energized with power and raw intensity, are dismembering everyone they play. If the Titans can keep it close, big guys like LenDale white could have a breakout day against a Colt rush defense that is average at best. But with Manning, who leads the league in pass yards, galloping in**, I expect the Colts to force Collins to throw more; Collins does not do well under this sort of pressure. Indianapolis. 

Washington @ Carolina: Here's the Pooper Bowl of the week. Both teams are essentially last in their division*** Neither team can get any offense started. Carolina's Jake Delhomme leads the league in turnovers. I think, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Jason Campbell has yet to get the party started in DC. Washington lost to Detroit. I think Jim Zorn is trying to get himself canned at this point. Carolina had an absolutely abysmal performance in Dallas. Nonetheless, Carolina seems to be good at the two-minute drill, and if they can return to the run game and hold onto the football, they've got a shot here. On the other side of the ball, they also seem to have worked out a decent pass defense scheme. However, nobody knows which way the 'Skins' offensive balance is going to swing on any given day, and if we see a lot of Clinton Portis, it's lights out for the Big Black Cats. As I'm out of time, I think I'll actually take Carolina this week, and probably regret it.

Remember kids: Sometimes on 4th down you should kick, otherwise, you might toss a pick.

*Not to mention inappropriate family relationships that would make both Oedipus and VC Andrews blush.

**Cue the William Tell Overture, baby!

***I say "essentially" last because the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have lost four. Carolina has lost three. They are both 0.00. 

Time for...

A Second and One Quiz o' Questioning!

There are fifteen questions. You have thirty minutes!

1. Approximately thirty percent of the Earth is covered by land. What is the other 70% covered by?

a) Water

b) Philip Rivers' contract

c) Andy Reid

d) The Bears' Defense

2. What is the worst fashion statement of the decade?

a) Sweater Jackets

b) Oversized Belt-buckles

c) Lady Gaga

d) The Seattle Seahawks

3. Failure is:

a) Something we all must learn from

b) The Buccaneers

c) The Browns

d) The Titans

4. It has a hole in the center:

a) A tire.

b) Cheerios, proven to lower your cholesterol

c) Donuts, proven to raise your cholesterol

d) Green Bay's offensive line

5. Which of the following objects is best described by the phrase "it makes a lot of noise but actually does nothing?"

a) An air-horn.

b) Loud rap music.

c) Party noisemakers

d) Terrell Owens

6. When _______ is on ______, _______

a) Music, the stereo, sing.

b) Football, television, be quiet

c) Food, the stove, watch it

d) Peyton Manning, a drive, kiss your backside goodbye!

7. You are more likely to get killed by a toilet-cleaning product than....

a) Be struck by lightning.

b) Get bitten by a poisonous snake

c) Win the lottery

d) See St. Louis move the chains

8. Analogy time. Blanket: Bed is to...

a) White: Rice

b) Flies: Cow Pies

c) New Orleans: Offense

d) The Media: Brett Favre

9. Which of the following will we NOT see in this decade?

a) A colony on Mars.

b) Flying cars.

c) Salary cap rules that make sense.

d) Jake Delhomme winning MVP.

10. The number "7"...

a) Is the square root of the 49ers!

b) Describes the number of deadly sins

c) Is probably how many games Atlanta will win this season.

d) JaMarcus Russell's current QB rating.

11. Which of the following pairs of objects has the greatest combined mass?

a) An elephant and a rhinoceros

b) My dad and your dad

c) Jupiter and Saturn

d) Kevin and Pat Williams

12. What is the difference between the Detroit Lions and a vacuum cleaner?

a) The vacuum cleaner can actually move around turf efficiently;

b) A rookie can eventually learn how to operate a vacuum cleaner; 

c) If the vacuum cleaner stops working, you can get a refund;

d) It is possible to make a vacuum cleaner stop sucking.

13. The following things are inevitable in life:

a) Death

b) Taxes

c) Jim Zorn getting canned.

d) Baltimore's defense putting up more points than your entire fantasy team.

14. It collapses very easily:

a) A house of cards

b) A folding chair

c) Your 401k after last year

d) Both teams that played in the '08 Superbowl

15. "Wildcats" are:

a) Fierce predators that live in the forest

b) A common name for many sports teams, including my alma mater;

c) Proposed name change for the Miami Dolphins

College news later!