Weekend O' Upsets

And now, a series of Gregg Easterbrook-esque snippets on college football: my thoughts are far too disjointed to write an actual, cohesive narrative. Today on Second and One: Offsides, Onsides, and Suicides!

Another One Bites the Dust: Keeping with the tradition of teams from Oklahoma puffing up like dignified, defensive toads and then being simply swallowed alive, Oklahoma State (No. 5) got drop-kicked by the Houston Cougars, 45-35, as QB Case Keenum and RB Bryce Beall, in a stunning display of what might be called Kamikaze insanity by some and sheer, picture-perfect bravado by others, went for it on 4th down, followed by a interception return for a touchdown. The rest of us were surprised to know that there is a college in Houston besides Rice: the last time these guys upset anyone ranked was 1984. Shock and Awe in Stillwater! (Nifty facts courtesy of ESPN).

That'll Teach You to Jump Offsides: Anybody here ever heard of the butterfly effect? I don't mean the Ashton Kutcher movie: I mean that principle where something seemingly very small has an enormous impact on future events. The name comes from the proposition that a butterfly could flap its wings in one part of the world and eventually cause a cyclone on the other. Yesterday's case in chaos theory: the Michigan State Spartans. Battling long-time rival CMU and quarterback Dan LeFevour (who would be a star behind a West-Coast O-line)*, the Spartans threw for a touchdown approximately halfway through the fourth quarter. LeFevour and Company answered back rapidly, effortlessly pounding it into the end zone to bring the score to 27-26. In hopes of firing a shot across the bow of all of East Lansing, LeFevour decided to go for two, but an incomplete pass silenced the deuce conversion. (c/o cmuchippewas.com) Down by one, the Chips recover a textbook onside kick and roll over the Spartan secondary on quick pass plays to get into field goal range. MSU calls two time-outs to ice kicker Andrew Aguila, who shanks it wide of the uprights from 47 yards out. The stands at Spartan Stadium were poised to collapse from celebration, when someone noticed the penalty flag: MSU had jumped offsides. Now five yards closer, Aguila drilled it through with three seconds left. Everything went deathly quiet.

...If there is a more traumatic experience college football experience than this, man, I would love to hear about it. Collapsing massively because of a penalty, at home, in a game you're supposed to win? This is pretty much the football equivalent of being rabbit-punched. If one penalty now causes the momentum-sensitive Spartans suffer a mortifying collapse as they have before (known in vernacular as Spartan Syndrome), the Lorenz Butterfly has made its effect. 

While the soup is probably hitting the fan up in East Lansing, the faithful hope it is a fluke. 

"But Gosh." A dejected MSU fan later told Second and One, "I just hate losing to the directional Michigan schools."

Truly Special Special Teams, 1: The Oregon Ducks, in their ugly win over Purdue, proved that even something as simple as returning a kick can be difficult when it seems you've spent all of the off-season coloring in the playbook. Oregon committed a staggering five special teams penalties in the first half: two holding, two illegal blocks, and even roughed up the kicker for good measure. Following the fifth penalty, they finally just decided to run out of bounds on returns rather than tainting their reputation with even more violence! Who'd ever think that a team named after aquatic birds could be violent? To quote the kid from Mighty Ducks on their namesake: "They're wimpy! They don't even have teeth!"

Run up the Score, much? Yesterday certainly had its share of delicious, delicious cupcake chomping: Florida won by 50, BYU by 51**, Cal by 52, Oklahoma by 64, and Cincy by an astonishing 67 points, proving that like the Romans, football fans still like watching people get killed for fun. Bill Belichick, watching at home, rubbed his hands together and salivated greedily.

Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis love these even more than most coaches. Source: Me. I made these cupcakes. Seriously. You may now proceed to drool. And what's this? A football blogger making cupcakes? KILL THE HERETIC!

Shoot the Officials: With seconds remaining in the Purdue/Oregon contest, Purdue found themselves down by two after a failed two-point attempt, following a blocked extra point earlier in the game. Carson Wiggs attempted to onside kick, and a huge jumble ensued when approximately ten people jumped on the ball, which bounced around and popped out. It was hideous to watch, not unlike how rescue workers have to sort through wreckage following some terrible accident to untangle the bodies. I have no idea who touched the thing first. It appears Oregon touched it, but dropped it, and Purdue came up with it, or vice-versa, or something, but the officials instantly ruled Oregon had possession and, as they said for Purdue, "turn out the lights, the party's over." Why wasn't this play reviewed?

Time for a Second and One Rulebook: 

a) For an onside kick to be recoverable by the kicking team, it must travel ten yards. For all kicks, a ball is live once it travels ten yards past from where it was kicked. An onside kick is just a kick biased toward the kicking team, but it is a kick, nonetheless, and needs to go ten yards. 

b) Unless, of course, someone on the receiving team touches it.

c) However, if that player somehow loses possession of the ball, it can be recovered, just like a fumble.

This particular play raises a myriad of questions: A) did the ball go ten yards? B) If not, in the ensuing scrum, who fell on it? C) If Oregon fell on it and dropped it, as it certainly appears, isn't this a fumble? If there's the possibility of someone fumbling, shouldn't the play be reviewed to determine if anyone was actually down? I'm not saying, of course, that Purdue, with their three turnovers, didn't deserve to lose the game. But when a play is so egregiously messy that someone like me has to write concise, alphabetized premises to try and understand why it is at least half-a-dozen players are waving their hands and signaling that they recovered the ball at any given moment, it merits a closer look.

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: At OSU, USC lined up to punt in the third quarter from deep in their own territory. A botched snap flew over the punter's head and zoomed out the end zone, leading to a safety. The resulting return by the Buckeyes lead to another three points. Fail.

Taken earlier this week at the practice fields at USC, secret pictures from the inside show the Men of Troy as they practice kicking. Source: approximately everywhere on the internet.

What Clock Management? The Notre Dame-UM contest was highly anticipated. RichRod fought to not look like a weasel and Charlie Weis fought to not have his team personally condemned by the Pope if they choke another season away. Ignoring the obvious fact that both teams have no secondaries, Michigan's Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier is hot stuff right now. He's running it in, he's passing it in, he's even punting. In other news, I didn't know the Punt, Pass, and Kick contest had a 15-18 year old bracket! With three minutes left in the 4th, Charlie Weis and his Apostles, up by 3, decide they want to cement the win. What should one do in this situation? (Hint, the answer is "run and bleed the clock"). What does ND do? Run for no gain. Second down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Third down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Why are you throwing the ball? Especially when you follow it with a short, 29-yard punt, setting up Michigan with prime real estate for the two-minute drill. Forcier then forced his way into the end zone for the win.

That's all for now! Remember kids: if you think the only cupcakes and turnovers are in the bakery, you're probably asleep on Saturdays.

*LeFevour now leads the MAC in total offensive yards. MSU fans would like to keep thinking that LeFevour is simply what comes before LeSwineFlu.

**Beating a dead horse like this doesn't seem the most Christian thing to do.