The Great Below

NFL opening weekend! 

First, the Lions prove that they still cannot get anything started offensively. It's like watching a car stalling, whereupon the team proceeds to get out and push. Rookie QB Matt Stafford threw a craptacular three interceptions, while Drew Brees, leading the New Orleans Scoring Machines, continues to make us all question if he is really human, throwing six touchdowns. I propose someone should make a Saints Drinking Game: Whenever Brees throws a touchdown, drink a Boilermaker in honor of his alma mater. Of course, by the third quarter, you'd be so pie-eyed you won't remember who's playing, and Second and One reminds you to never drive drunk, for not only legal and safety reasons, but for fear of looking like Detroit on offense.

***

The weekend was not without its share of absurd plays and outright miracles. First, the Denver Broncos prove that the Football Gods have embarrassed them enough with the McDaniels/Cutler/Shanahan/Cassel/Whoever Else debacle, and down against Cincinnati with seconds remaining, Orton threw a deep pass which was tipped by a Cincy defender, directly into the hands of Brandon Stokley, who ran it 87 yards for the score, stopping to jog outside the end zone to shave seconds off the clock. Ladies and Gentlemen: we have a new candidate for Immaculate Reception! See it here (NFL), along with CBS' Gus Johnson just about having a coronary in the booth! The collective tears of the Bengals after this fluke could've literally put the Mile High City under water. 

The best trick play of the weekend goes to the Washington Redskins, who were shut out by seventeen at the half with about thirty seconds left before heading to the locker room. Shaun Suisham lined up for a field goal, but a genius fake resulted, where Suisham pretended to kick, and punter Hunter Smith, holding for Suisham, ran the ball into the end zone. Wow! (youtube) How often do you get to see a punter spike the ball in celebration? Nice work, 'Skins! 

Sunday, sadly, was a very disappointing day for us Bears fans, however. Bears/Packers football is always ridiculously entertaining and ridiculously nerve-wracking, but I don't even know where to start with this game: it was a classic, NFC central defensive showdown: both quarterbacks failed from approximately eighteen different directions. Cutler, in his debut as a Bear, threw four interceptions (beaten only by Jake Delhomme's four interceptions and a fumble). Rodgers was repeatedly folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield by the Bears' aggressive defense, and found it difficult to concentrate with DE Adewale Ogunleye in his face every snap. The Packers' D itself made an amazing showing, switching from 3-4 zone formations to solid man coverage effortlessly. 

Congrats, Brian Urlacher: You played approximately 1/60 of the season! Get well soon! (dunno source).

Where the Bears really suffered was on the offensive side of the ball. Did the offense forget the game was at Lambeau and not Soldier field? Cutler, growing increasingly frustrated with his poor performance, lost his accuracy. Receivers didn't run their routes completely, or stood around doing absolutely nothing. Seemingly, and bewilderingly, Cutler also suffered a massive disconnect from tight end Greg Olsen, his close friend and one of his favorite targets. I'm not entirely sure where the disconnect was, but they were not seeing eye-to-eye in the huddle, and Olsen had one touch the entire game. Was it simply that the Packers watched so many preseason tapes that they decided to practically paint Olsen green the whole game? The twelve-year-olds that run this blog, however, have another theory: Olsen and Cutler are simply really getting tired of the gay jokes, which are all over the football blogosphere.* Additionally, sportswriters are fueling it by repeatedly penning mooshy gooshy bilge about this particular QB and TE, not leaving much to the imagination. (Chicago Tribune. Warning: it's safe for work, but really nauseating, and is best not read whilst eating.) What next, we get to hear about Brad Maynard and Robbie Gould's slumber parties? Do they paint each others' nails and have pillow fights in their nighties? Are the Bears jut the real life equivalent of the London Sillynannies?

The agony didn't stop there. On 4th down in their own territory, center Olin Kreutz and long snapper Patrick Mannelly decided to automatic a fake punt for purposes of capturing a twelfth man on the field, a la Peyton Manning. Of course, the play failed, there was no 12th man on the field, Chicago lost the challenge, and Bears fans collectively face-planted into the floor. I was watching this from my friend's incredibly hot second-floor apartment, in pitch blackness, sweating and cursing and cradling my head in my hands. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever anger God/the gods/the powers that be enough to merit being sent to hell/the underworld/the Arena Football League that this is how I will spend my eternal damnation: nauseated, overheating, eyestrained into next Sunday, and watching the Bears choke away the lead in high definition.

To add insult to injury (or rather, to add injury to insult), fan-beloved Chicago MLB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a severely dislocated wrist, presumably from tacking GB RB Ryan Grant in the first half of Sunday night's travesty. It did not look like a serious injury to those watching, but then again, if anyone is going to run off the field screaming in pain, it's not Urlacher. Those more medically inclined than I can read the gory details here.  In the absence of Urlacher, Hunter Hillenmeyer will step up at the middle position, but I believe the damage runs much deeper: in addition to being a good linebacker with a propensity for absolutely ringing the bells of those he tackles, Urlacher spearheads the defense, acting as both captain and motivational speaker. Will the D now stand for "disorganized?" "Well," as my dad lamented yesterday, "so much for winning the division!"

The Bears' defense, sans Brian Urlacher. Source: Kim Grossman, Jpegmag.

It is not all sturm and drang, however: The Fighting Nucleophiles**, official fantasy team of Second and One, won their first game, starring Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker, and Devin Hester as a strong receiver core.  

Remember kids: that which doesn't kill you only makes you tackle harder next time.

*Cris Collinsworth, you did not help this. 

**Mini Soliloquy O' Science: A "nucleophile" is any chemical species that possesses lots of electrons, and thus, an affinity for the nucleus of an atom. The reactions of nucleophiles are often very violent, ergo, "fighting."