National Fail League

I hope everyone enjoyed kickoff on Thursday Night, it was a good game! In the spirit of fireworks and fanfares, I have compiled a list of NFL 2009 Firsts!

First Absolutely Spectacular Defensive Play: I am convinced that in his past life, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was a physicist. Polamalu had six tackles in the first half, including the first, where he flew out of the backfield to plaster RB Chris Johnson, demonstrating inertia (as in, what happens when a bug hits a freight train?) Other perfectly-executed Newtonian hits from the primary of the Steelers' secondary include that on the left, (c/o Yahoo), in which LenDale white regrets losing 40 lbs prior to this season. But Polamalu's antics hadn't ended there: at 1:50 remaining in the first quarter, Kerry Collins threw deep downfield, where Polamalu flew seemingly out of nowhere to make the pick with one hand, earning the titular honor.  You can see here (Ballhype) as Professor Polamalu demonstrates some fine calculation of trajectory. 

First Spectacular Defensive Fail: However, Polamalu's successes were short lived, as he then demonstrated two penalties, and on a later blocked kick by Rob Bironas, sprained his MCL and is estimated to be out for 4-6 weeks, proving that all players featured on the cover of a Madden Game are cursed. Other cursed players include Shaun Alexander, who broke his foot, Michael Vick, who went to the slammer, and Brett Favre, who now has to play for the Vikings, wear purple, and get laughed out of the dome. We're still waiting for the statement from Larry Fitzgerald. 

First Sick Sack: Roethlisburger, feeling pressure under center on a 3rd and 2, simply ran backwards, spun out of a few attempts, and was eventually drilled (NFL.com) by Jason Jones for a loss of 19 yards. The Titans sacked Big Ben three times (or was it four), prompting this question: If a quarterback is planted, will his intellect grow? 

First Announcing Faux Pas: Cris Collinsworth is proving that he opens his mouth only to change feet. For example, in the preseason Chicago/Denver contest, Collinsworth was mindlessly chatting about tight end Greg Olsen, his wife, and Jay Cutler, when he let slip a gaffe that turned on everyone's innuendo filter. You can watch it over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. (Warning: This is such a double entendre that it's practically a single entendre. Also, all of KSK is not safe for work or little ones!). On Thursday night, Collinsworth was at it again, stating that a given quarterback (if I remember correctly) had "gone inside the tight end." Whoops. What exactly had he meant? "Gone inside FOR the tight end?" Gone inside WITH the tight end? Why is it that everything dirty in football has to do with tight ends? I know. I'm twelve. But so is Collinsworth, and everyone watching him. Q.E.D.*

In a related topic, my friend Jess has asked me to comment on why it is that announcers get off on talking about things other than football during a football game (e.g. topical political humor, military nonsense, plugs for shows or movies). It's like those DirecTV commercials (or whoever): Santonio Holmes just pounded 'er into the end zone in some ridiculous fashion and got you 19 fantasy points, and you missed it because the announcers were yakking?! Second and One's straight answer: They do it for the same reason people chase people they have no intention of marrying, and the same reason why dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving: because they can. Perhaps the most interesting bit of commentator flotsam from the Steelers/Titans game: apparently LenDale white was able to lose weight by "going off tequila." And apparently, the San Diego DA's office has done the same for Shawne Merriman. (ESPN/AP). 

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Finally, there is now a job opening for a groundskeeper at Soldier Field. (Deadspin) An auxiliary crew for our favorite Monsters of the Midway has hopefully not set a premonition for the 2009 season - by painting the team's logo on the 45-yard line instead of at standard midfield. Apparently the Bears hired these people (MIStupid). 

Or maybe these people. Fortunately, the Bears open at Lambeau field tomorrow and all embarrassment will come from the team itself.

Stay tuned for college ball updates!

*If anyone reading knows what was meant here, or whether "goes inside the tight end" is actually proper language (and I'm just grossly ignorant) - please tell me!