Midterm Exam, Part I

As it stands now, we are about one-third through the NFL regular season. At about the same time, many college students are having their first midterm exam. So: time for Professor MC to regurgitate what's known about the league!

Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernauts Who Will Eat Your Children: 

New Orleans (4-0): The Saints have one of the most frightening dual-attack offenses in the country. Although they are 11th in pass yards after two rather grounded games and the bye week, they are 2nd in rush yards and a solid first in overall ability to put up points. And to quote John Madden, "In order win a football game, you have to score points." Duh! On the defensive side of the ball, they're in the top ten for everything but pass yards allowed, where they are currently ranked eleventh. Not bad. Not bad at all for a team named after a song that was originally a funeral hymn.

Indianapolis (5-0): I think understand the Colts now. They've had many changes - a new stadium, coaching turnover, aging players, defensive injuries, heartbreaking playoff collapses, the sheer despair that is playing in Indianapolis - why is it they're always so good? The answer: Peyton Manning. This guy plays with the "intensity" switch permanently stuck in the "on" position, masterfully commanding his offense time and time again. On Sunday, he passed Fran Tarkenton's touchdown and yardage records. It's like having an offensive coordinator that can run the show and stand under center at the same time. Although I have no idea how to interpret Manning's audibles and wild hand signals - it's like watching the love-child of Marcel Marceau and a traffic cop conducting the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, while Joseph Addai and Donald Brown fly across the stage. 

Yeah. You'd better be lookin' at this. Source: operationsports.

Denver (5-0): Kyle Orton's accuracy has been pinpoint with his receivers, and he has only thrown one interception this entire season. In a true test of strength, Josh McDaniels bested his mentor on Sunday afternoon, banishing Belichick, Brady, and the Boston Patriots as Matt Prater nailed the game-winning field goal. Their only downside: extremely ugly throwback uniforms. However, Denver's had some nail-biters. They barely escaped from Dallas last week, and beat Cincinnati on a sheer miracle. Ergo, I believe they're the weakest of the unstoppables.

Bonus note: Two of the three Scary Strongmen are teams named after horses. Barring the fact that both teams are in the AFC, do I hear a My Little Pony Bowl in the future? 

Let's Talk When they Beat Another Frightening, Unstoppable Juggernaut:

New York Giants (5-0): Is there anything bad to say about the Giants? Eli Manning is rapidly turning into Peyton Manning Lite and they have a solid defense and two of the league's best power rushers in Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. They have yet to play anyone, however, who truly can test their strength, instead beating confused Dallas, the winless Bucs and winless Chiefs, sputtering, vomitous Washington, and 1-4 Oakland. Is there any easier schedule than that?! The true test comes this week, when Big Blue collides with the sweeping hurricane that is the Saints. Ask me next week about the G-Men again.

Laudamus Adoramus Gigantes...but for how long? Source: Jim McIsaac, Getty Images

Minnesota (5-0): Brett Favre has really breathed life into a team that has historically imploded in the clutch even more than Indianapolis - the Vikes have been to four Superbowls, and they've lost four times. Their explosive start this year is a far cry from the Tarvaris Jackson/Gus Frerotte fiasco of last season, but who knows how Favre will hold up once his arms start achin' and the snow starts flyin'. Again, Purple Jesus and ilk have faced a ridiculously easy schedule: craptacular Cleveland, demolished Detroit, Sucky St. Louis, the Packers, who are suffering on the line, and the 49ers, whom the Vikes were one freaky, Favre-ian play away from losing to. Ask me next week after the Baltimore game. 

Hangin' Around, Lookin' Fine, But Ask Again When There's a Game on the Line: 

Chicago (3-1): The Jay Cutler trade was a good deal for everyone involved, and Cutler seems to slowly be integrating with the team. The Bears actually do not have any impressive offensive statistics. Yet they possess incredible special teams, can force turnovers, and can score with their defense. The Bears are currently 4th in sacks, tied for third for longest punts, lead the league in kickoff return yardage and average kick return yards, and are one of only three teams to have a return TD this season. In fact, they are seventh in pure ability to put up points. They have shown that they can finish games and find a way to win, much to the delight of their extremely nervous fan-base. The downside? A continually-ailing and sensitive secondary, and young receivers who still make rookie mistakes. As it stands now, they're not in the hunt for anything if matched against heavy, pass-wacky teams, but they're not out of anyone's picture, especially if someone can knock off the Vikings. 

Cincinnati (4-1): Like the Bears, they do not have any impressive statistics. But they've got bravado, and I'm beginning to think the Bengals may be for real, taking down both Pittsburgh and Baltimore - not neglecting the fact that these teams are not your father's* Steelers or Ravens. They're on the other end of the Orton/Stokley miracle play, however. They face off against Houston this weekend, and Chicago next weekend. We'll know more then.

Philadelphia (3-1): Philly is a weaker, jazz-free, no-nonsense version of New Orleans, much like what the faux, Wal-Mart Dr. Pepper is to actual Dr. Pepper. Both contain plenty of caffeine and plenty of fizz, but in the end, only one is real. It's nice to see the bad PR surrounding Michael Vick hasn't got them down, however, and they continue to put up a solid stream of points, even under capable backup Kevin Kolb. The reason they belong in this category is that they too have had an easy schedule that included Carolina, Tampa Bay, and Kansas City, all of whom were squashed by 18 points or more. The illusion will likely continue as the Eagles play Oakland and Washington next.** 

He may be a hunk, but has he got the spunk? And yes, the leader of the study group was female, thank you for asking. Source: Sundaypaper.com

Atlanta (3-1): The Falcons are a weird team. Like Chicago, they don't have any especially impressive stats other than preventing other teams from scoring fairly well, so it will be interesting to see how they match up with Chicago. They blew one to the unpredictable patriots, but they absolutely blew out the swelling 49ers likely to the chagrin of the head of my research group, who is from San Francisco. Also, everyone acknowledges that Matt Ryan is some kind of genetic mutation: can repeatedly throw for over 300 yards, has not been sacked in anyone's recent memory, and in a recent study, was scientifically proven to be the NFL's sexiest QB. (Wall Street Journal). But does pretty pay the rent?

Reply Hazy, Try Again Later: 

Dallas (3-2): Dallas is like a box of car parts - they could be incredibly cool, if only they were assembled properly. They've got good players. Tashard Choice, Tony Romo, Miles Austin, and Jason Witten, who is one of the league's best tight ends, bar none. Do you know that Dallas puts up over 420 yards per game on average? Perhaps this is because they spend so much time trying to edge out opponents in the final seconds of the game or in overtime! Are they really missing Terrell Owens this much?

Miami (1-3): Miami has had 110 first downs this season as compared to 82 by all opponents, and has won the time-of-possession battle by over 10 minutes. They have had almost 200 total offensive yards more. They lead the league in rushing yards per game. Last year, the Dolphin's wildcat formations yielded an average of 8.9 yards per play (Daily Fix). What's wrong with this picture? We can explain why the the sky is blue, why certain chemicals won't react with other chemicals, and can sell ThighMaster to foreigners, but we can't put Miami's stats into a supercomputer to find out why they're only 1-3? Although this may be changing: Chad Henne's explosive offense finally worked it out on Monday night and crashed the Jets. 

New England (3-2): Good news: Brady's finally healthy again. Bad news: they barely beat Buffalo. They're only 3-2. Good news: Well, looks like they finally stopped cheating and the Jets had their revenge in week 2!

Arizona (2-2): Ken Whisenhunt's Deck of Cards seems off to a slow start. Kurt Warner, however, is like chocolate, or maybe pizza: when he's good, he's really, really, really, REALLY good, and when he's bad, he's still better than having no QB at all.*** Having had Warner and Fitzgerald both on fantasy teams before, when these two are on, and on in tandem, your opponent might as well turn out the lights, because the party's over. If they're not, who do the Cardinals have? Boldin? Hightower from the backfield? 

Part 2 to come later. Remember kids: there's a short quiz next period.

*Or mother's = we're equal-opportunity here.

**Eagles fans: Before you come after me and throw things, I'm saying your team is good, ok?

***Original versions of this joke were not safe for work or little readers. 

Sunday!

College news!

First, did anyone see the Michigan/Iowa game last night?  Insane! "It's time these Wolverines get the whipping that's coming to them!" one Iowa fan remarked to me. Iowa QB Ricky Stanzi, who started early by giving Michigan a gift-wrapped pick-six, rapidly redeemed himself with nearly 300 yards in the air and two TDs. Michigan hoped for a miracle comeback: late in the game, coach Rich Rodriguez pulled Freshman Messiah Robert Patrick "Tate" Forcier after he threw for only 94 yards and an easy interception. Freshman backup Denard Robinson whittled the point differential to two, but then threw a pick that ended the game. Fans stormed the field at Kinnick Stadium, and if Iowa keeps playing like this, they'll rapidly skyrocket up the ratings. Sorry, Michigan: you may not look like total boneheads, but your deal with the Devil ended with Lloyd Carr. 

Uniforms provided by the Pittsburgh Steelers Charity Foundation. Source: AP/Charlie Niebergall.

Excuse Me While I Come Out of Nowhere: In a Big East showdown at Heinz Field, UConn lead by 15 points as the third quarter dwindled to its end. Dejected Pitt, however, struck back with a breakout run and breakout pass play to put seven on the board. Another seven plus a deuce conversion tied it in the fourth quarter. UConn punted, and the Panthers plowed down the field to nail the coffin shut with an extra point-sized field goal - and 18 unanswered points. Fun Fact: Pitt had one of its most ridiculous comebacks last season, as a field goal finally put away pesky Notre Dame, at Notre Dame, in quadruple overtime. Those watching at home promptly needed a quadruple bypass. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Mizzou (24)/Nebraska (21) was one messy game. In nearly four quarters of intense, driving rain, there were five turnovers and numerous other fumbles recovered by the fumblees. The score was 2-0, Mizzou, at the half. Someone later remarked to Second and One, "That's like a baseball score. Or, worse yet, soccer!" The two points came when Nebraska punter Alex Henry, pinned up against his own goalpost, caught a bad snap. Facing heavy pressure from defenders and slipping on the frictionless turf, Henry simply tossed the soggy football out the back of the end zone, for fear of being smeared from sideline to sideline. D'oh! Despite the extremely slow start, Nebraska rallied to win by 15. Confucius says: those who lose to Cornhuskers say "Aw, shucks!"

Safety is more important than safeties during the Missouri Monsoon Bowl. Source: L. G. Patterson, A.P.

Another one Bites the Dust: #17 Auburn was drop-kicked into next Tuesday by the unranked Arkansas Razorbacks. Petrino and company won by 21, while Auburn head coach Gene Chizik removed his headset and stood hopelessly on the sidelines. Ouch. 

Hook, Line, and Stinker: In addition to talking about the Cinderella stories and amazing upsets, we here at Second and One also like to talk about teams that are setting a new futility record! Purdue continues its mortifying collapse into the depths of fail, blowing another early lead (10 points) to lose to Minnesota by 15. (What is with everyone and 15 points this week?) After the first quarter, the Football Gods decided that mocking the Boilermakers was way too much fun to pass up, and after the easy ten points promptly served up the following terribly poisonous menu: Punt, Interception, Field Goal, Shanked Punt that Only Went Seven Yards, Fumbled Kickoff Return, Blocked Field Goal for a Touchdown, Turnover on Downs, Touchdown (the Proverbial Too Little Too Late), Turnover on Downs, Interception. Jeeeeez, is there any worse sequence of events than that? Whilst the football gods are it it, they might as well send lightning strikes, broken fingers, and jock itch! Fun Fact: Purdue now leads the country in turnovers. In second place is Miami of Ohio. 

In honor of their football team, Purdue's School of Culinary Arts bakes up a big box of turnovers. Source (and a very good recipe!)

Amusing Announcing: During the MSU/Illinois skirmish, announcers were talking about MSU tight end Garrett Celek, stating "His dad plays for the Philadelphia Eagles." Um...whilst there is a Celek who plays for the Eagles (TE Brent Celek, whom I've mentioned numerous times in my fantasy football analysis), there is no way he can be Garrett Celek's father unless there's some serious time-traveling*: Brent Celek is 24-years old, and their father (according to the Eagles' website) is some kind of businessman who never played for anyone). Please, announcers: Be sure brain is engaged before mouth is opened!

***

Now, my NFL picks for the week:

Pittsburgh @ Detroit: Normally I would say that since the Steelers, sans Polamalu, have been less-than-stellar on the road and lost to Cincinnati, and the Lions looked surprisingly competent against Washington (and in the first half of the Bears game), that we might be entering rarefied upset territory. However, there is a good chance that Matthew Stafford will not start, and I expect the Steeler D to have their way with the slower Daunte Culpepper. Roethlisberger (and the O-line) have had problems allowing sacks, but the Lions' pass defense is ranked 25th. Pittsburgh, but maybe by a lower margin than one might expect.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore: Cincy has won three of its last four games, dropping one to Denver. Baltimore has won three of its last four games, dropping one to New England. Gosh, this is a toughie. Both teams have some bad psychology (Cincy's cowardly "punt-for-the-tie" business vs. Baltimore's "The refs are out to get us" rap). Both Palmer and Flacco can have very good days and very bad days. However, where as Cincinnati has not won by more than seven points, Baltimore looks more convincing, beating KC by 14 and the hapless Browns by 31. Also: the Bengals are 11th in rushing, and everyone knows you don't run on Baltimore. It's going to be a long day for both teams, but I'll pick the Ravens. 

Indianapolis @ Tennessee: Is there any team in greater disarray than the Tennessee Titans? Fans, coaches, and sportswriters alike are clamoring for Kerry Collins to be benched (as if Vince Young could save the day) - and this chemistry is NOT good, folks! The Sinking Titanics floundered against anemic Jacksonville, whereas Peyton Manning and company, energized with power and raw intensity, are dismembering everyone they play. If the Titans can keep it close, big guys like LenDale white could have a breakout day against a Colt rush defense that is average at best. But with Manning, who leads the league in pass yards, galloping in**, I expect the Colts to force Collins to throw more; Collins does not do well under this sort of pressure. Indianapolis. 

Washington @ Carolina: Here's the Pooper Bowl of the week. Both teams are essentially last in their division*** Neither team can get any offense started. Carolina's Jake Delhomme leads the league in turnovers. I think, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Jason Campbell has yet to get the party started in DC. Washington lost to Detroit. I think Jim Zorn is trying to get himself canned at this point. Carolina had an absolutely abysmal performance in Dallas. Nonetheless, Carolina seems to be good at the two-minute drill, and if they can return to the run game and hold onto the football, they've got a shot here. On the other side of the ball, they also seem to have worked out a decent pass defense scheme. However, nobody knows which way the 'Skins' offensive balance is going to swing on any given day, and if we see a lot of Clinton Portis, it's lights out for the Big Black Cats. As I'm out of time, I think I'll actually take Carolina this week, and probably regret it.

Remember kids: Sometimes on 4th down you should kick, otherwise, you might toss a pick.

*Not to mention inappropriate family relationships that would make both Oedipus and VC Andrews blush.

**Cue the William Tell Overture, baby!

***I say "essentially" last because the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have lost four. Carolina has lost three. They are both 0.00. 

Time for...

A Second and One Quiz o' Questioning!

There are fifteen questions. You have thirty minutes!

1. Approximately thirty percent of the Earth is covered by land. What is the other 70% covered by?

a) Water

b) Philip Rivers' contract

c) Andy Reid

d) The Bears' Defense

2. What is the worst fashion statement of the decade?

a) Sweater Jackets

b) Oversized Belt-buckles

c) Lady Gaga

d) The Seattle Seahawks

3. Failure is:

a) Something we all must learn from

b) The Buccaneers

c) The Browns

d) The Titans

4. It has a hole in the center:

a) A tire.

b) Cheerios, proven to lower your cholesterol

c) Donuts, proven to raise your cholesterol

d) Green Bay's offensive line

5. Which of the following objects is best described by the phrase "it makes a lot of noise but actually does nothing?"

a) An air-horn.

b) Loud rap music.

c) Party noisemakers

d) Terrell Owens

6. When _______ is on ______, _______

a) Music, the stereo, sing.

b) Football, television, be quiet

c) Food, the stove, watch it

d) Peyton Manning, a drive, kiss your backside goodbye!

7. You are more likely to get killed by a toilet-cleaning product than....

a) Be struck by lightning.

b) Get bitten by a poisonous snake

c) Win the lottery

d) See St. Louis move the chains

8. Analogy time. Blanket: Bed is to...

a) White: Rice

b) Flies: Cow Pies

c) New Orleans: Offense

d) The Media: Brett Favre

9. Which of the following will we NOT see in this decade?

a) A colony on Mars.

b) Flying cars.

c) Salary cap rules that make sense.

d) Jake Delhomme winning MVP.

10. The number "7"...

a) Is the square root of the 49ers!

b) Describes the number of deadly sins

c) Is probably how many games Atlanta will win this season.

d) JaMarcus Russell's current QB rating.

11. Which of the following pairs of objects has the greatest combined mass?

a) An elephant and a rhinoceros

b) My dad and your dad

c) Jupiter and Saturn

d) Kevin and Pat Williams

12. What is the difference between the Detroit Lions and a vacuum cleaner?

a) The vacuum cleaner can actually move around turf efficiently;

b) A rookie can eventually learn how to operate a vacuum cleaner; 

c) If the vacuum cleaner stops working, you can get a refund;

d) It is possible to make a vacuum cleaner stop sucking.

13. The following things are inevitable in life:

a) Death

b) Taxes

c) Jim Zorn getting canned.

d) Baltimore's defense putting up more points than your entire fantasy team.

14. It collapses very easily:

a) A house of cards

b) A folding chair

c) Your 401k after last year

d) Both teams that played in the '08 Superbowl

15. "Wildcats" are:

a) Fierce predators that live in the forest

b) A common name for many sports teams, including my alma mater;

c) Proposed name change for the Miami Dolphins

College news later!

Week 4, as Promised.

This is the only time the Bears will be mentioned in this entry. There. Now that I've gotten it out of my system, I find it worth mentioning that first, I am four-for-four on last week's picks, and overall, 6.5/8.*

Without further ado, it's been a big week for news in the NFL.

***

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Despite his positively explosive start against Philadelphia and Detroit, Drew Brees has not thrown a touchdown pass in two weeks. Nonetheless, the New Orleans Scoring Machines continue to put up impressive stats as Pierre Thomas and ilk run all over opponents. Is it a dual run-pass threat (that makes the Saints very scary indeed), or is everyone so scared of Brees that the Pass Coverage Machine has been proverbially cranked up to eleven?

On the other hand, Brett Favre, with the completion of a very over-hyped Monday Night Football contest that drew the largest cable TV audience ever (ESPN), has now defeated every team in the league. Sports anchors everywhere touted Favre as the greatest quarterback ever! It's a Monday Night Favregasm! Favre-lous! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Favre has bested Aaron Rodgers in a revenge game! Poor, emo, sulktastic Aaron, always second behind BRETT FAVRE, who is almost 15 years older!

Not to editorialize, but the problem in Monday's game was NOT Aaron Rodgers. Statistically speaking, Rodgers outgained Favre in many categories. Favre threw for 271 yards, Rodgers for an astonishing 384, and Rodgers ran 16 yards compared to Favre's -2. On the season, Rodgers has thrown for over 200 yards more than his former teammate, and only has a QB rating of 3.6 points lower. 

After taking a pounding from the Vikes' D-line, Rodgers will spend his bye week sitting in Jake Delhomme-esque poses and alternating between in the Jacuzzi and in traction. Source: Newscom.

Where the Packers were deficient was on offensive line. Missing starting left tackle Chad Clifton, the O-line, including left guard Daryn Colledge, tried desperately to overcompensate and threw incomplete blocks. The line generally found itself unable to finish plays properly, and, in making these (temporally) short blocks, folded like a lawn chair repeatedly on passing downs. Rodgers was sacked eight times, 4.5 times alone by defensive hyper-end Jarred Allen. Favre, meanwhile, had the Great Wall of China in front of him. Whilst his monstrous O-line engaged the defenders (who were unable to get to him once), Favre found enough time to do anything he wanted to, including picking apart the Pack's secondary, answering his fan-mail, and crocheting several doilies. 

Keep in mind now that despite being folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield, Rodgers still managed to throw for almost 400 yards. Statistically speaking, who is the better quarterback?

This is Why You Go For It: In a dead heat between two Ohio teams, the Browns and Bengals were tied in overtime at 20-20 in a shootout.  The Bengals were 4th and 11 on the Cleveland 41, with only 1:04 left. Coach Lewis was content to punt for the tie, but Carson Palmer went ballistic on the sidelines, begging him to go for it, and on 4th down, he scrambled from the shotgun 15 yards for the first down, and a 31-yard field goal gave Cincinnati the win, as they moved to 3-1. Carson Palmer: Niiiiiice move. Coach Lewis: "Punt for the tie!?" What kind of psychology is this? You never settle for a tie. You try and win the game!! This is the same kind of poor, demoralizing coaching that gives rise to "kicking the field goal just to reduce the margin of defeat." What next? Running off the field squealing in admission of a loss? Unfortunately, I think this sort of psychology may bode ill for the Bengals in the future, unless Palmer has anything to say about it. 

Football/Politics Crossover: There has been a lot of gossip around the league about the ownership of the St. Louis Rams. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh announced Tuesday that he would be interested in going halvsies on the failing franchise with Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues.(The 670 Score) Second and One promises to always remain apolitical, as sports and politics are best not kept too close to each other (like politics and religion) but I am (editorializing again) not sure if this is a good idea just due to the polarization it will create amongst Rams players and fans alone. There is enough controversy in the league already over everything ranging from equipment sponsorships to Braylon Edwards' jibber-jabber with LeBron James. Some boiler-room discussion (for those who enjoy this sort of debate) can be found here. (St. Louis Today).

Or it could be terribly amusing. If Limbaugh buys the team, in addition to continued losing, we might get to see:

An increase in rush plays, exclusively to the right;

Tickets being sold only to the wealthiest 10% of the general public;

QB Marc Bulger interjecting mandatory Clinton-bashing into all postgame press-conferences;

And a new ability to purchase to purchase oxycontin at concession stands!

Amusing Announcing: During Monday night's Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre, the announcers screwed up multiple players' names, referring to kicker Mason Crosby as both "Nason Crosby" and "Sidney Crosby"**, the latter a combination of Crosby's name and that of Rookie Vikes WR Sidney Rice. In addition, Packers TE Jermichael Finley's first name was stumbled over repeatedly until he was eventually called "JaMarcus Finley." Second and One is awaiting the call from Jermichael Russell out in Oakland. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: As both Knox and Hester were injured early Sunday, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, suffered terribly at WR. Additionally, because I was playing that one guy who had Philip Rivers the week that Philip Rivers went all PHILIP RIVERS, the 'Nukes were handed their worst defeat of the season. I'm hoping to recover this week, following the "Start whoever plays Detroit/St. Louis/Kansas City/Tampa" rule, employing Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker (a gamble), and Sidney Rice (picked up on waivers), who not only looks to be breaking out as a receiver, but who also recovered two onside kicks on Monday Night.

Still nagging at me is the tight end decision. I had Kevin Boss in for Brent Celek on the bye week. Brent Celek has been burning up the scoreboard this season, as he is a favorite target of Eagles' backup Kevin Kolb. Statistically, I have been sitting on the league's best receiving tight end and didn't know it until this morning! However, as Donovan McRibb likely returns this week, nobody is sure whether he'll give a sniff to Celek, despite the latter's ability to score. Boss, on the other hand, may get more than his share of touches against an anemic Raiders defense. Ah, too many important decisions. 

And that's all for now. Remember kids: if you can't come up with anything witty to say, why even include this blurb? 

*The extra half-point is for calling the Pitt/Cincy skirmish "closer than one might think," despite getting the outcome wrong.

**Both brothers of Bing Crosby, apparently.

The Fourth Phase

After a rather lukewarm (and exhausting) couple of days at work, I finally get around to updating: The Bears game was fantastic. Of course, it's always fantastic when your team wins by 24 points, but overall, on the Awesome-O-Meter, where 1 is a kiss from your grandmum and 10 is Brad Pitt drag racing Tom Brady through Death Valley on Christmas, Sunday's classic NFC-style blowout was at least an 8, right between when I passed my qualifying exam in graduate school and the invention of the forward pass. 

The Blues Brothers were spot-on. 

On a beautiful Sunday I arrived at Soldier Field with my friend Tom, (a strange Lions/Bears fan hybrid whom I head up to Chicago with sometimes, and who has an awesome camera), just as a few Bears, not yet in uniform, limbered up on the field and fans began to stream in. 

"Hey man, if I get stuck like this, make sure it's not on ESPN tomorrow."

Tight end Greg Olsen rocks out in pink cleats for breast cancer awareness month.

Everything was perfect: the grass was neatly groomed, the end zone pylons were impeccably placed, every star on the NFC logo was geometrically precise. As we explored the stadium the Bears decided to suit up, and about an hour prior to kickoff, everyone was in full effect, including the fans. I was so wild and hyper at this point that I don't think I held still in one place prior to kickoff, bouncing off walls and caroming around the stadium like a cornerback on methamphetamine.

"If I try hard enough, I can punt this thing into Lake Michigan and make the Lions swim it back. Lovie, we got any snorkels?" (Brad Maynard)

"Darnit, I can't see myself, with my hot pink gloves, on the JumboTron from here!" (Devin Hester)

The Monsters of the Midway were lead onto the field by the Bears' Drumline. Fun Fact: Chicago does not have cheerleaders, but rather, a drum corps organized by the 4th Phase, the Bears' fan organization. It is named as such because there are "four phases" to the Chicago Bears: offense, defense, special teams, and the fan-base.

There are four phases of matter: Solids, Liquids, Gases, and Crazed Bears Fans in a supercritical state.

The game itself began as the Cutler/Stafford Showdown at OK Corral. Matthew Stafford opened up rapidly with deep passes to WR Calvin Johnson that the Bears' secondary was not prepared for, and, aided by several defensive penalties, put up seven points quickly. The Bears answered rapidly as Jay Cutler Air-Jordaned into the end zone for six. 

It's a Second and One Contest O' Captioning!:

a) Quarterback Jay Cutler not only captures the hearts of fans, but the gold medal in gymnastics as well;

b) By channeling the spirit of John Elway, Cutler proves that in addition to the ball he is holding, he has two more;

c) Linebacker: "Uh...what the...?" Announcer: "Touchdown Chicago!"

At the half, the game was tied 21-21. There was more call-and-response than a gospel choir! Stafford again nailed Calvin Johnson, but Cutler found both Kellen Davis and Greg Olsen for another 14. The Lions' offense, I must say, looked surprisingly competent. Bears fans sat on their hands as the drumline took the field for 20 minutes. I went to buy pizza. 

As everyone held their breath, Chicago fired a shot across the bow to re-start the battle. At the beginning of the third, rookie WR Johnny Knox fielded a punt in the end zone, ran it back 102 yards for the score, and at this point, the windows at Soldier Field were just about blowing out. Fun statistic: The Lions put up three points in the second half. Chicago's monster scoring machine continued and put up nine times as many: Matt Forte, in addition to his decent first-half stats, ran one in, as did RB Garrett Wolfe. Has anyone seen Garrett Wolfe? He's the Bears' equivalent of Darren Sproles. At 5'7", he's about the size of an atom of sodium next to linemen who are a foot taller than him, but if there's a play designed properly for him, he's incredibly useful.

The secondary made some adjustments as well, covering Johnson repeatedly with cornerback Charles "Peanut" Tillman, and turning up the pressure on Stafford, who overthrew his receivers and eventually went out with a knee injury as DE Adewale Ogunleye planted him.** Stafford was sacked a total of five times and turned the ball over twice. Before I knew it, the game was over, and the Bears had put up a staggering 48 points, dashing Detroit's hopes for a winning streak as the former went to 3-1. The second half and the subsequent loss was, to quote Lions coach Jim Schwartz, "one of the worst" he's seen.

Chicago: Thank you Lord, for this beautiful Sunday and the generous 48 points! 

Detroit: Thank you Lord, for only embarrassing us by 24 instead of 31. @#%&! #*%&@@!!!

So what did the Bears do right? 

a) Proving that they can finish a game: Again, the Bears prove that under pressure, they can do more than simply play defense when the game resumes at the half. It's all about making the "necessary adjustments" - like taking rookie CB Zackery Bowman off of Calvin Johnson and upping their pass-rush.

b) Actually playing defense when the game resumes at the half: The Bears have won three games since MLB Brian Urlacher's season-ending wrist dislocation. In addition to Urlacher, the team is also without linebackers Pisa Tinoisamoa and Hunter Hillenmeyer, and yet they don't seem to be suffering too much at this position as Nick Roach and Lance Briggs have more than compensated, aiding in forcing the Lions to four consecutive 3-and-outs in the second halves.

c) Delivery by Air-Mail: Is there anyone who Jay Cutler is not throwing to? He's got his tight ends. He's got Knox, Bennett, Hester, Forte as the option, and this confuses defenses if executed properly. Although the logistics of the deep pass are still being worked out, the Bears also have a bye week now, leaving Knox (shin) and Hester (shoulder) plenty of time to get healthy. Who next? Who's wide-out? Who's in the slot? The center? Walk-on fans? "Ineligible receiver downfield?" What's that mean, anyway? I won't say that Cutler is the next Tom Brady, (Chicago Tribune) but, as one fan remarked to me during the game, "It's so good to have a quarterback."

d) Special Teams that are actually Special, and not Special: The Bears won the field position battle, starting multiple drives from midfield or inside enemy lines. Their average starting field position: The Lions' 46 yard line. Why is this? To me, the answer is rather simple: teams are scared stiff to kick off to the Bears, who have three kids who can and have very easily run a few back: Knox, Hester, and free safety Danieal Manning*(who now acts as the nickel back on pass plays when Craig Steltz plays at FS, so he's probably the least threatening of the three). Still, as a result, opponents tend to kick either deep into the end zone, content on punting into the nearest body of water or the concession stands, or they kick short, high, or out of bounds to avoid the stigma of being another team who thought they could kick to Devin Hester and get away with it. 

***

What, now, becomes of the Lions? Well, without Stafford, who still threw for 296 yards and one TD against the Bears, I'm afraid not much. The Lions will not survive another season of quarterback roulette, and the rookie brings a jolt of athleticism, accuracy, and intelligence to a franchise that's been screwed sideways for the better part of half-a-century. If anything, the Lions have proven that they can score points, but still have a hard time overcoming what the Detroit News calls "Jeckyll and Hyde Syndrome" - the nagging psychological propensity for slipping into a coma at the half and not waking up in time. (Detroit News). If this can be erased by some means -prayer, chanting, blowing into paper bags, covering up the scoreboard so the players can't tell what quarter it is, something - the Lions' increasingly cohesive offense may eventually work out their first road victory in two years. Or maybe not.

***

After the game, I joined the mass exodus of wild fans prancing back through Grant Park, and realized that my dad, a fellow Bears fan whom I've mentioned numerous times, had left me numerous voicemail messages as he followed the game. "Robbie Gould from 50 yards! Go Bears!" "That Penalty on Alex Brown was not a face-mask or a horse-collar. What a BS call!" "Wow. You guys really have a beautiful day down there."

That we did, Dad. That we did.

Tomorrow: A suitably less Bears-centric recap from around the rest of the league, now with more Brett Favre!

Also, a special thanks goes out to Tom for a) good, like-minded company, b) being able to take pictures where I was too jittery to do so. 

*A lesser-known an under-appreciated Manning of the NFL.

**Q. What's blue and white and green all over? A. Matthew Stafford on Sunday afternoon.

Second and One - In the Windy City!

Ahh, Chicago! I am looking out the window of a friend's 28th-floor Michigan Avenue apartment, and realize that I would have a fantastic view of Soldier Field if not for two new high-rise towers recently erected in the sightline. Regardless, it's a 20-minute walk to the stadium tomorrow morning, and I plan on exploring and taking lots of pictures for this blog.

I arrived this morning and have had a great time thus far - I spent a lot of time in Chicago as a kid. My parents grew up and eventually met here, and many of my relatives are still in Illinois. I have some very fond memories of this place. 

Everyone has the Big Ten Network here, so today I watched Michigan/Michigan State with a friend of a friend and ate too much pizza, had sushi at O Y SY on Michigan Avenue, and have been attempting to take pictures of the night skyline, much to the disapproval of my camera.

I am totally wound up on adrenaline for tomorrow's game. I've been having a hard time concentrating at work for several days now; I'm like a little kid on Christmas Eve, unable to sleep, giddy with anticipation, and generally wacky. Absolutely nothing in the world can do this to me quite like the promise of seeing my favorite team in the morning. From the literary/journalistic standpoint, however, when I'm nervy and twitchy like this, I generally have a hard time coming up with anything witty to say and instead default to tight end jokes and making fun of the Lions/Jake Delhomme/People with funny names, so a brief entry highlighting two of the early college games - and Second and One's picks for tomorrow- sounds like a safe bet.

Nobody Bites the Dust, Except for Purdue, Who Just Bites : The BCS computer has been re-programmed, and besides Michigan (whom nobody thinks should have been ranked #22 anyway), having the Tate Forcier Show cancelled in East Lansing, everyone who was favored to win...actually won. Statistically, however, Purdue, after losing to Oregon by two points, has blown its next four games by seven points or less. In 2008, Purdue, after losing to Oregon by six, went on to drop four of its next five games. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Truly Special Special Teams: Down by four and 4th and inches on their own 16 yard line, Michigan punter Zoltan Mesko* decided it was a perfect time for a fake punt. Those experienced with what to do on 4th down likely all called out in unison "He did WHAT?!" upon reading. Mesko attempted to run through a crease, and the play imploded from eighteen different directions as a herd of Spartans closed the hole and tackled Mesko behind the line of scrimmage. The result: turnover on downs and instant field goal, just add water! While I admire the guy's fortitude, for heaven's sake, there is a time when you should actually just punt, already! Michigan went on to lose the game in overtime, proving that despite the bright maize stripes on their helmets, their dominant color vs. the Spartans is blue.

That's a Penalty?: At the end of the 4th quarter, Notre Dame executed two consecutive goal line stands against Washington, who just couldn't punch it in no matter how hard they tried. The second goal line stand, however, arose as as result of a "roughing the snapper" penalty against ND when Washington gave up and attempted to kick for three. How exactly does one go about "roughing the snapper?" Poking his eyes out from across the neutral zone? 

Watch the Game, Already!: After Washington finally kicked and tied the game 30-30, one of the NBC announcers went on to extol both teams' "phenomenal defense." Um...both teams scored thirty points on each other! What defense? Had the game been tied at 3-3 at this point, it would be phenomenal defense. I would have said "Both teams have phenomenal offense, and both think that 'defense' is what you build around "de farm."

And now, my picks for tomorrow's NFL matchups:

Cincinnati @ Cleveland: Are the Bengals for real? After upsetting both the Packers and the Steelers, they have all of the momentum on their side. Carson Palmer looks decent, and who knows what kind of ridiculous celebrations are in order if Chad Ochocinco scores. Cleveland, reeling from a nauseating crushing by Baltimore, has switched Brady Quinn for Derek Anderson. However, they still haven't put the ball into the end zone for almost a month, and are 31st in points, 32nd in total yardage, 31st in pass yardage, and 29th on the ground. Despite the possibly refreshing personnel change, I will take Cincinnati. 

Seattle @ Indianapolis: Seattle is still hurting physically, and is mentally demoralized by being sucker-punched by Chicago last week. QB Matt Hasselbeck is unlikely to start, and several linemen are out. The Colts are looking for their 13th straight victory, with Peyton Manning leading the AFC in passer rating (is he amazing or what?). The 'Hawks and Colts haven't matched up well before, with Seattle winning three of the last four, but the game is in Indy, thus factoring Seattle's uppity "12th man" from the equation almost entirely. Indianapolis by at least 7, but expect hilarity as the question of "which team has the bigger headcase kicker?" is answered. Also, are we going to see ugly uniforms? Uglier throwback uniforms?

New York Jets @ New Orleans: Imagine two trains traveling at high speeds toward each other. They then collide spectacularly, stunning bystanders and throwing sparks and smoke into the air in their devastating wake. It's not a disaster movie, it's the battle of the red-hot 3-0s! This is the contest to watch! Sanchez is Sensational, Brees is Bombastic, both teams run well, and both Ds are fantastic! I honestly don't know what to expect here, and I waver back and forth between a low-scoring defensive slugfest, and an offensive shootout. However, as the Jets struggled in the home stretch against the Houston Oilers Tennesee Titans last week, I will pick New Orleans.

Detroit @ Chicago: And we conclude with the centerpiece of my weekend. Both teams are jacked on momentum. Detroit finally eeked one out and no longer carries the stigma of being that team that loses every week. Chicago has proven that they can get their act together and win where it counts, and Cutler is finally starting to develop a fine chemistry with his receiving corps. Nonetheless, Chicago has yet to open up a running game this season. Will Matt Forte finally open the door, despite Detroit's rush defense ranking a surprising 16th? Where Detroit might hurt is that while Cutler has been around the league for a while and knows how to play at a pro level, Matt Stafford begins his 4th NFL game as is a rookie who makes rookie mistakes, leaving the Lions' offense rather amorphous, if not still somewhat shaky - Picture a Lion cub that has just been born. Tiny, staggering, closed eyes, baby steps, learning to hunt - this is the Lions' offense now. If they can win a few more this season, the next few years may see this cub growing into a frightening, roaring, NFC North predator. However, a lion cub will not survive a mauling by full-grown bears. I pick Chicago.

Well, goodnight football fans! Remember kids, if you think that...ah,  heck with it. Bear down!

EDIT: (10:51 CMT) Perhaps I spoke way too soon about the upsets. #17 (Miami) has knocked off #8 (Oklahoma) by a single point, and UTEP (whoever that is) is up 10 on Houston (#12). Will we need a re-boot after all?

Seahawks, Sleepwalking, and more on that darned Scoreboard

Posting here at Second and One will slow down over the next few days; I have a family emergency that now takes priority over disjointed rambling about football.

For our weekend NFL action recap:

Oops, I Did It Again: Is there anyone in the entire league who knows how to take a team from the boulevard to the junkyard more than Jake Delhomme? Delhomme lead the Big Black Cats to an easy score at the two minute warning just before the half. However, Delhomme's fumble, two interceptions, and subsequent "aw, Shucks!" gesticulating finally allowed a sleepwalking Cowboys team to win one in Jerry Jones' football palace. What a depressing collapse. Delhomme has now turned the ball over eight times this season. Ladies and Gents: The Panthers have returned to their playoff form. Second and One asks this question: How is Jake Delhomme like a SCUD missile? Both are on the offense, but terribly inaccurate! Also: Nobody has managed to punt into the scoreboard yet (I was disappointed), but other inconveniences are now arising at the new Cowboys Stadium: supposedly the game clock is located in a place where the players practically cannot see it. 

Aww, CCCRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!! (Dunno Source)

It's the Lions! Get in the Car: Detroit has finally snapped an 19-game losing streak, by putting up 19 points...against Washington's 14! Huzzah! It was a beautiful day: RB Clinton Portis was stopped on a goal line stand, the offense drove a contiguous 99 yards and scored, Matt Stafford did not turn the ball over, Coach Jim Schwartz sent his team out after a postgame meeting and prayer to celebrate with the fans, rainbows filled the sky, angels came down from heaven, and center Dominic Raiola blew kisses to the crowd. I'm serious on that last one: the jubilations can be read about here (c/o Yahoo Sports) Our long national nightmare is over: and, if this continues on the Redskins' side, so is Jim Zorn's job.

Bear Down! Continuing with the NFC Central's sweep, the Monsters of the Midway scraped out another aneurysm-inducing win against the Seattle Seahawks. The Bears started slowly, and were down 13-0 at one point, coming from behind as the defense woke up and Cutler utilized an arsenal of receivers (Bennett, Olsen, Forte on the option, Knox) - ending with a go-ahead touchdown to Devin Hester, silencing Seattle's "12th man." However, there are strange things afoot. Last week, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed missed two field goals, and this week, Seattle kicker Olindo Mare also missed two. If this continues next week, I will conclude that the Bears have a magical machine that causes opposing kickers to send the ball 20 yards wide of the uprights. A miniature fan? Magnets in the football? An ultrasonic pulse that distracts everyone but Robbie Gould? 

The Seahawks' ugly uniforms temporarily blinded the Bears, leading them to a slow start. (Source: Chicago Tribune)

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees did not throw a touchdown this week, as the Saints kept it on the ground (no doubt shocking the cornerbacks, who had been scared witless all week) and thus have revoked my prognosticating privileges for the next N years. Brett Favre executed this positively sick Hail Mary pass, finding Greg Lewis with two seconds left to win it for the Vikes. (Vikings Fan Dome). Announcers are now referring to any similar end zone-seeking freak-show as "Favreian." Stop the presses and alert the OED! We have a new word! Next week the undefeated Vikings take on the Packers, in what will be the greatest exhibition of blood-sport since the gladiator days.

Amusing Announcing: 

Keith Olbermann: "Texans and Titans - The battle to see who's Johnson is bigger in this game."

Unknown College Announcer: "...Hit him like a bottle of Bacardi."

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet all the Way: Who is this Mark Sanchez kid? Did he really throw two TDs against the Titans? Did he also seriously run one in in for good measure? Was he really the first rookie QB in the league to win his first three games? Did he do it all and still only throw for one more yard than Kerry Collins? While I'm asking too many questions, what on earth's happened to the Titans?! (Lots O' Fun Stats c/o ESPN)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: After getting ground into a fine powder in week 2, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, came back swinging. I followed my instinct and switched Boss for Eagles TE Brent Celek, who hauled in a touchdown pass from David Kolb and and 16 points. Brandon Jacobs and Joseph Addai both put 6 on the scoreboard, as did Devin Hester and Bears WR Johnny Knox (who I picked up as a free agent to sub for the injured Wes Welker). Add this to Aaron Rodgers, and I was my league's point-leader for the week. Lookin' good.

Next week, barring anything catastrophic happening, Second and One will be visiting Soldier Field again to commune with the Great Ones as they attempt to school Detroit harder than Robocop. A special "I Was THERE" entry to come!

Remember kids: 

Vikings conquer, Packers pound,

Colts stampede and Chargers ground,

Lions roar and Cowboys ride,

Broncos buck, but Bucs get fried,

To the playoffs, Saints are fated,

Patriots fight, but Raiders, raided.

Titans clash and Steelers rust, 

Giants shrink and Bengals bust,

and those who play Bears end in dust.