I have returned to my parents' house for some much-needed R & R, communion with the homeland, my mom's cooking, and, of course, watching football with my dad, an activity that will begin at 1PM EST today. So, without any additional preamble, here are Second and One's picks of the week:
Oakland @ Denver: Oakland is one of these really weird teams. They stink worse than a fish market in July, but once and a while, they pop up to spoil the fun for someone who is desperately trying to make a playoff run. They Beat both the Eagles and the floundering Steelers, but unfortunately have now lost their new starting QB Bruce Gradkowski. Which means we'll see Charlie Frye, who hasn't taken a snap in the NFL in over a year. If this doesn't work, we'll see JaMarcus Russell, who hasn't known what to do at this position since he played for Louisiana State. Additionally, the Oakland Raiders Raided are without Darrius Heyward-Bey, whom, until about week seven, had more names than he did touchdowns,* and tight end Zach Miller is questionable with a concussion. I think the Broncos (who sometimes look disorganized at the end of the season) are going to run away with this one.
Yes, this is a real product. Raiders tickets: $150. The Raiders grill tool set: $30. Seeing a barbecuing ether way: Priceless. Source: Sears.
San Francisco @ Philadelphia: Philadelphia's offense has overcome some inconsistencies and is looking awful quick-strike and sophisticated this year. They've got wacky screen formations, deep pass plays, the Wild Vick (or whatever you call it), and they've won their past four straight, including toppling Big Blue in a barn-burner last week. With Brian Westbrook still out, the 49ers' 5th ranked rush defense shouldn't be an enormous threat to the Eagles. I'm going with Philadelphia just because the Niners have blown their past five straight on the road.
Cleveland @ Kansas City: Oh, who cares? The game ends 2-0, Cleveland, with the sole points coming when KC lines up to punt from their own end zone and snaps the ball out the back.
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh: What has happened to the Steelers? It's bad enough when you lose to the Bears, but when you lose to the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns in the same season, you're warm, buttered toast. Right now, Green Bay statistically has just about the best defense in football: ranked 2nd against the run, 3rd against the pass, and 2nd in stopping people from moving the ball. Fun Fact: In this game, we're seeing two of the league's most porous offensive lines: Roethlisberger has been nailed 38 times, and Rodgers 47. We are going to see more sacking than a Barbarian rampage of Rome. I still like the Packers though.
Chicago @ Baltimore: Gregg Easterbrook at ESPN TMQ urges readers to "contact authorities if you have seen the Baltimore Ravens." On the other hand, if we're talking about the Bears, I have to cite the great writer Patrick McManus: "If intelligence were crankcase oil, the Bears aren't even wetting the dipstick*" This game will just be sloppy. Throw in the bad weather in Baltimore and the fact that both teams have gone kazoo with penalties as of late, and we're rearing to see a nightmare. Sadly, I feel like the Bears, whose offense runs circles around itself, will not fare too well against the Blackbirds' D. Devin Hester is out. Jay Cutler vs. Ray Lewis: all you need to know. Ravens. By a lot. I'll go shoot myself in the foot now, because I can guarantee it will be less painful than this game.
Poetic Afterthoughts: And now, a limerick about every team in the AFC North.
The Bengals can get lots of downs,
They beat both the Steelers and Browns,
When they bust lots of joints
And score lots of points
Eighty-Five sends in the clowns!
About Lewis and Reed we all rave,
Make Edgar Poe spin in his Grave!
Their defense can brag
But these penalty flags...
If only this team could behave!
An offensive line you cannot trust
Big Ben gets pounded to dust
Their star safety's out
and Pittsburgh fans shout:
"The Steelers have started to rust!"
What's happened to Cleveland is sick
Their game plan just can't seem to stick
Brady's not win-ish
And Anderson's finished
Maybe they should have got Vick?
And there we have it. To come later: thoughts on Brian Kelly, Chris Henry, and the Saints dropping a deuce (and we don't mean McAllister).
*I forgot the original source of this comment.
**The original quote is not about football, but it can be found in Never Sniff a Gift Fish, a book about his adventures as an outdoorsman. It's a pretty good read.
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