Sour as Sour Patch Kids: Second and One officially petitions the Valero Alamo Bowl to change its name to the Everyone Is Suspended Bowl. Just weeks after Michigan State announced the dismissal of two players and the suspension of another eight nine ten, the Texas Tech Red Raiders (whom the Spartans are playing in said bowl) announced the suspension of head coach Mike Leach over allegations that he locked an injured wide receiver in an electrical closet for hours on end. (ESPN)* To say the very least, the accusations are shocking. With the collective crimes committed by these two teams, they should have instead played in the Detroit Big Three Bailout Motor City Pizza Pizza Bowl: I noted earlier that Detroit is still the country's most violent city.
Completely Sick Play of the Week: In the Bears' glorious, heinously nail-bitey overtime upset of the NFC North-leading Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres, Jay Cutler, on the first snap of the Bears' third overtime possession, passed deep right against the blitz to Devin Aromashodu for 39 yards and the game-winning score. Aromashodu (also known as "that guy nobody wanted, probably because his name is too hard to pronounce") had veteran Pro Bowl corner Antoine Winfield beat by at least three yards on the final play - the safeties were nowhere to be found in the picture. This game gave me (and my father) approximately six different kinds of heart attack.
And this happens every year! I come home for Christmas, and the first Bears game we watch (as we didn't get the depressing Baltimore contest due to bad weather and overlapping market rules) almost always requires the usage of an emergency defibrillator. Last year it was the Bears/Packers showdown, where the Bears played atrociously but blocked two field goals and still won the game, and the year before it was a similar contest, complete with Brian Urlacher intercepting a pass, running it back 93 yards to the house, and then keeling over in the end zone and needing oxygen - does anyone remember this?!
More holiday capitalism: Yes. This is a real product. Vikes tickets: $150. The Vikings folding chair: $60. Getting to see Minnesota collapsing either way: Priceless. Source: sportsauthority.
Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During halftime on Monday Night, Chris Berman reviewed the Colts' decision to rest Peyton Manning and friends, who were forced to simmer on the sidelines as rookie backup QB Curtis Painter fumbled away the game. "He's no Rembrandt!" Breman remarked, "More like a finger painter!" More notorious puns from notable names: Fox announcers, in talking about Tampa Bay return man Michael Spurlock's 106-yard kickoff return, felt the need to distinguish him from Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame.
Truly Special Special Teams: Just before recess in the Redskins/Giants contest, the 'Skins were trailing by 24 points. There are two seconds on the clock before the break. You are Jim Zorn; what do you do?
a) Try and get the ball in the end zone at all cost, even if you are are 4th and 60 and the attempt might fail horribly.
b) Be conservative - kick for three to avoid being shut out at halftime;
c) Look through your playbook, find the trick play that has the greatest chance of embarrassing your team, that one play that everyone and their cat knows will fail - and try it anyway and hope you still have your job by the end of the game?
The Redskins lined up for a field goal, and it became very evident that there was trickery afoot when one half of the offensive line whipped outside in a "swinging gate" formation, leaving punter Hunter Smith to stand under center. This formation is sometimes used for two-point conversions (if I remember correctly), because if it blows up, a lineman can take a handoff. The G-men smelled foul play and called a timeout. Washington came out and promptly ran the same fake again. We knew everything in Washington is bumbling and inefficient, but what, they didn't think Big Blue would be prepared for it? End result? Smith heave-hoed the ball into a gaggle of Giants, where it was intercepted and run back to midfield. Oi vey. (youtube)
Messiest Series Ever, Bonus Bowl Edition: The University of North Carolina Tar Heels, squaring off against the Pitt Panthers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, were first and goal on the five in the first quarter. The 'Heels then committed two consecutive illegal formation penalties, one of which negated a touchdown pass because one of the tight ends did not line up on the line of scrimmage. After a short pass play, UNC faced second-and goal from the Pitt 7, when QB T.J. Yates was flushed from the pocket and nailed. At the last second, he tossed the ball forward, which did not make it to the line, and the 'Heels were backed up another 8 yards for intentional grounding. Now third and goal on the 15 and eager to avenge their frustrating series, Yates heaved the ball to Greg Little for the touchdown. Little, in his celebrations, punted the ball into the stands and was immediately flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Aye caramba!
Amusing Announcing, Part 2: During the Redskins/Giants blowout on MNF in Week 14, you could almost hear the men in the booth wince as Giants pass-rushers blew through the Native Americans' porous offensive line and repeatedly pounded Jason Campbell to the turf. "These are not sacks," one announcer quipped, "these are car wrecks."
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Confucius says: Redskins QB who is pummeled repeatedly becomes Campbell's soup. Source: Macon Daily, Reuters.
Obligatory (Last) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It did not end well. After I staged six (seven?) consecutive nucleophilic attacks, my league commissioner (whose identity remains secret, or is perhaps just a very complicated semi-stochastic algorithm) snubbed the 9-5 Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, out of the playoffs. I won't get into my suitably acrimonious and slanderous collection o' theories for why this happened, but ahead of me was seeded an 8-6 team (whom I defeated), and a girl who was 9-5, whom I swept soundly in divisional play. Of course, as FFB is part luck, whining about this is as effective as whining about losing in poker - it happens, and there's not a darn thing anyone can do. Not all was lost, however: The Nukes finished with a convincing winning record, and, with the second most-difficult schedule in our uber-deep league, finished tied for first in divisional records (I was 5-1 in my division, people!) and tied for third in power rankings. Plus, had I made the playoffs, I likely would have blown it in the opening round when I started the wrong tight end. Or something.
Remember kids: Confucius says: Vikes who lose to Jay Cutler have been deep-sixed.
*EDIT: 3:10 PM. Sources now confirm that Leach has been fired, and now there is talk of lawsuits. It just keeps getting better.
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