Playoff Insanity

A break in the madness! (read as, "a weekend") Time to update!

Truly Special Special Teams: In a wild card game, down by seven and facing 4th and 4 on the Big Striped Cats' 24-yard line, the New York Who Turned On The Jets lined up for a 42 yard field goal, which Jay Feely made easily. A holding penalty then nullified the attempt, moving Feely back ten yards. The J-men then decided to try the fire-drill anyway, but a false start promptly blew the play dead. The Jets then punted. D'oh! In other news, after the punt, Rex Ryan promptly ate the two penalized linemen on the sidelines. 

That's a Penalty? In other Jets news, the Chargers lost, plagued by slop, error, and general bye-week-itis. The referees flagged the Dead Batteries for an offensive penalty, citing number 87 as the perpetrator. Said team did not have a number 87 playing that day, which the announcers were quick to point out. A technical non-penalty?

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During the Cowboys wild-card blowout beatdown good sport with the Eagles, a particularly good play to Cowboys rookie wideout Miles Austin was described as "Austin-tatious." Also, one announcer asked another "What do you call the play where you run around the end to the quarterback?" before pausing and quipping "I call it a sack." 

The Joke Writes Itself: Ravens-Patriots. I didn't see this game, but it can best be summarized by the following statement: "What do you call it when a team with no offense plays a team with no defense?" My buddy Eric, football fan and avid reader, stated the following answer rather dryly, "A nap." 

Ridiculously Sick Play of the Week: In the Saints' roasting reaming routing friendly contest with the Arizona Cardinals, Drew Brees faked a handoff to RB Pierre Thomas, who tossed the ball back to Brees, who bombed deep to Devery Henderson for 44 yards and the score. (fansided) The sleepwalking Redbirds were reduced to a pile of feathers and bad feelings by halftime. It's official: the Scoring Machines, if properly fueled, are unstoppable. In other news: water is wet, and you shouldn't eat too much pizza or you'll clog your arteries.

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: In the Cowboys-Eagles game, a whopping 228 penalty yards were committed between the two teams - an NFL postseason record. After yet another yellow flag flew, Cris Collinsworth mused, "Ed Hochuli and crew will go shopping for whistles tomorrow." 

Yes, this is a real product. Cowboys tickets: $150. The Cowboys umbrella: $35. Getting to see the Cowboys fold either way? Priceless. Source: Amazon.com

Who Doth Postpone the December Swoon? The Collapse-Boys are back! Up against the Vikings Front Four (who are probably better known as "The Purple People Eaters," or maybe "The Maul of America")* the Cowboys rolled over and died. The Land of 10,000 Sacks, well, sacked Tony Romo six times, on three of which he fumbled, and two of which he lost. Was Jessica Simpson up in the press box with Prince? (UPI) 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 1: On this past Sunday, January 17th, Bears DE Gaines Adams #99 passed away in his native state of South Carolina. A former star at Clemson and for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where he was the #4 draft pick in 2007), Adams reportedly died from cardiac arrest due to an enlarged heart. Drugs and/or foul play are not suspected. He was 26 years old, and was traded to the Bears early in the 2009 season, where he played in 10 games, including against the Lions. More can be read in the Chicago Tribune. 

Normally I don't think emoticons and symbols are proper for a blog journalistic endeavor such as this, but Second and One leaves a flower - Be at Peace, Gaines - Chicago hardly ever knew you. ~'~,~'~<@ 

Sad Note, for Us Bears Fans, Part 2: To add to the defensive line problems, Bears nose tackle/defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek, who has had more injuries than a child playing in traffic, was recently arrested and charged with a variety of unpleasant things, including battery, after a fight in Oklahoma (The Tribbie) No, Dusty! You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to assault people ON the field, not off it! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 3: In the wild-card Showdown at OK Corral between the Green Bay Packers and the Arizona (Later) Folded Like a House of Cards, an announcer remarked (as both teams took the field for overtime), "Good thing we're not playing by college rules, or this night might never end." 

This is all for now. Remember kids: Confucius says Bears who lose because of interception-happy QB are said to have been "deep sixed." 

*Other terms I've heard to refer to these four gentlemen: Purple Pain, Purple Reign, Third and Ouch, the Four Norseman of the Apocalypse, Shock and AWWE (for Allen, Williams, Williams, and Edwards) 

Happy Anniversary!

Well, Second and One, my pet project/distraction, officially turned one year old five days ago! So now, instead of crying aimlessly, this blog can now stumble around the house in diapers, forcing me to lock my medicine cabinet and put gates in my stairwells.

Still, as my life at work, well, is my life these days, everything else has sort of fallen by the wayside, but I have a large .doc file of fun football niblets that will eventually find its way into here. 

Hope everyone enjoys the divisional round today and tomorrow!

Thoughts on the BCS National Championship

A) Without Colt McCoy, the Texas Longhorns are, for the most part, a pile o' junk. After being hurt on the fifth play, Backup QB Garrett Gilbert Gilbert Garrett Gilbert Gottfried threw four interceptions, all but handing the Tide the game. 

B) Did anyone else find the first three quarters of this game to be exceptionally boring? This game was so boring that my friend Judy updated Facebook and practiced her golf swing in her apartment during the boringest of the boring bits, and my friend Eric (football fan and avid reader) and myself came up with a comprehensive list of things more exciting than the national championship, including but not limited to:

-Re-shingling the house

-Credit card statements

-Collecting hair

-Waxing one's elbows

-Cleaning the toilet (or was it refrigerator?)

-Measuring the height of one's grass

-Watching solvent evaporate in chemistry lab

-Painting the den

Feel free to add your own in the comments!

C) Ok, maybe I won't gripe about Mark Ingram winning the Heisman anymore.

Another announcement!

Happy 2010! Sorry for the delay in posting: I have again been traveling, and planes full of screaming kids aren't exactly the most creatively conducive environment. 

Now, as I am back at work, I am sifting through paperwork and getting ready to write a Super Fancy Scientific Article for publication, so there will be yet another brief hiatus - following which...playoff season is upon us once more!

Extra Points, Part III

I haven't written a comprehensive entry in several weeks. So: here is hodgepodge of NFL weeks 13-15 and some bonus college content.

Sour as Sour Patch Kids: Second and One officially petitions the Valero Alamo Bowl to change its name to the Everyone Is Suspended Bowl. Just weeks after Michigan State announced the dismissal of two players and the suspension of another eight nine ten, the Texas Tech Red Raiders (whom the Spartans are playing in said bowl) announced the suspension of head coach Mike Leach over allegations that he locked an injured wide receiver in an electrical closet for hours on end. (ESPN)* To say the very least, the accusations are shocking. With the collective crimes committed by these two teams, they should have instead played in the Detroit Big Three Bailout Motor City Pizza Pizza Bowl: I noted earlier that Detroit is still the country's most violent city. 

Completely Sick Play of the Week: In the Bears' glorious, heinously nail-bitey overtime upset of the NFC North-leading Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres, Jay Cutler, on the first snap of the Bears' third overtime possession, passed deep right against the blitz to Devin Aromashodu for 39 yards and the game-winning score. Aromashodu (also known as "that guy nobody wanted, probably because his name is too hard to pronounce") had veteran Pro Bowl corner Antoine Winfield beat by at least three yards on the final play - the safeties were nowhere to be found in the picture. This game gave me (and my father) approximately six different kinds of heart attack. 

And this happens every year! I come home for Christmas, and the first Bears game we watch (as we didn't get the depressing Baltimore contest due to bad weather and overlapping market rules) almost always requires the usage of an emergency defibrillator. Last year it was the Bears/Packers showdown, where the Bears played atrociously but blocked two field goals and still won the game, and the year before it was a similar contest, complete with Brian Urlacher intercepting a pass, running it back 93 yards to the house, and then keeling over in the end zone and needing oxygen - does anyone remember this?! 

More holiday capitalism: Yes. This is a real product. Vikes tickets: $150. The Vikings folding chair: $60. Getting to see Minnesota collapsing either way: Priceless. Source: sportsauthority.

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During halftime on Monday Night, Chris Berman reviewed the Colts' decision to rest Peyton Manning and friends, who were forced to simmer on the sidelines as rookie backup QB Curtis Painter fumbled away the game. "He's no Rembrandt!" Breman remarked, "More like a finger painter!" More notorious puns from notable names: Fox announcers, in talking about Tampa Bay return man Michael Spurlock's 106-yard kickoff return, felt the need to distinguish him from Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Just before recess in the Redskins/Giants contest, the 'Skins were trailing by 24 points. There are two seconds on the clock before the break. You are Jim Zorn; what do you do?

a) Try and get the ball in the end zone at all cost, even if you are are 4th and 60 and the attempt might fail horribly.

b) Be conservative - kick for three to avoid being shut out at halftime;

c) Look through your playbook, find the trick play that has the greatest chance of embarrassing your team, that one play that everyone and their cat knows will fail - and try it anyway and hope you still have your job by the end of the game?

The Redskins lined up for a field goal, and it became very evident that there was trickery afoot when one half of the offensive line whipped outside in a "swinging gate" formation, leaving punter Hunter Smith to stand under center. This formation is sometimes used for two-point conversions (if I remember correctly), because if it blows up, a lineman can take a handoff. The G-men smelled foul play and called a timeout. Washington came out and promptly ran the same fake again. We knew everything in Washington is bumbling and inefficient, but what, they didn't think Big Blue would be prepared for it? End result? Smith heave-hoed the ball into a gaggle of Giants, where it was intercepted and run back to midfield. Oi vey. (youtube) 

Messiest Series Ever, Bonus Bowl Edition: The University of North Carolina Tar Heels, squaring off against the Pitt Panthers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, were first and goal on the five in the first quarter. The 'Heels then committed two consecutive illegal formation penalties, one of which negated a touchdown pass because one of the tight ends did not line up on the line of scrimmage. After a short pass play, UNC faced second-and goal from the Pitt 7, when QB T.J. Yates was flushed from the pocket and nailed. At the last second, he tossed the ball forward, which did not make it to the line, and the 'Heels were backed up another 8 yards for intentional grounding. Now third and goal on the 15 and eager to avenge their frustrating series, Yates heaved the ball to Greg Little for the touchdown. Little, in his celebrations, punted the ball into the stands and was immediately flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Aye caramba! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: During the Redskins/Giants blowout on MNF in Week 14, you could almost hear the men in the booth wince as Giants pass-rushers blew through the Native Americans' porous offensive line and repeatedly pounded Jason Campbell to the turf. "These are not sacks," one announcer quipped, "these are car wrecks."

Confucius says: Redskins QB who is pummeled repeatedly becomes Campbell's soup. Source: Macon Daily, Reuters.

Obligatory (Last) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It did not end well. After I staged six (seven?) consecutive nucleophilic attacks, my league commissioner (whose identity remains secret, or is perhaps just a very complicated semi-stochastic algorithm) snubbed the 9-5 Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, out of the playoffs. I won't get into my suitably acrimonious and slanderous collection o' theories for why this happened, but ahead of me was seeded an 8-6 team (whom I defeated), and a girl who was 9-5, whom I swept soundly in divisional play. Of course, as FFB is part luck, whining about this is as effective as whining about losing in poker - it happens, and there's not a darn thing anyone can do. Not all was lost, however: The Nukes finished with a convincing winning record, and, with the second most-difficult schedule in our uber-deep league, finished tied for first in divisional records (I was 5-1 in my division, people!) and tied for third in power rankings. Plus, had I made the playoffs, I likely would have blown it in the opening round when I started the wrong tight end. Or something. 

Remember kids: Confucius says: Vikes who lose to Jay Cutler have been deep-sixed. 

*EDIT: 3:10 PM. Sources now confirm that Leach has been fired, and now there is talk of lawsuits. It just keeps getting better. 

Happy Holidays from 2ndand1!

I am enjoying the celebration of Christmas with my family - regular posting resumes in several days once everyone has recovered. 

This year, football-related gifts were exchanged at my house: I received two hoodies (a nice Bears one* and one for my favorite college team) from my parents, and a Nerf football from my dad- because there is an immutable law of presents that states every kid must get a football on Christmas morning. I gave my dad, in return, the Sports Spectacular edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. "Because I actually read these things in the bathroom" he stated upon receiving it. And I gave my mom new pot-holders for the kitchen. "Because I really like pot-holders." She said. 

Hope everyone scored this holiday season.

*Which is cozy and currently provides more coverage than the Bears' defense.

Extra Points, Part II

This joke is an oldie but a goodie; original source unknown:

Momma Bear and Poppa Bear are getting a divorce, and Baby Bear ends up in family court, where the judge deliberates over his custody.

"I will send you to live with Momma Bear." The judge says. 

"No!" Baby Bear pleads, "I don't want to live with her. She's mean and beats me!"

"Hm..." Replies the judge, "I shall send you to live with Poppa Bear then."

"No!" Replies Baby Bear, "Poppa's awful angry, and he beats me too!"

After thinking for several seconds, the judge has his solution. He bangs his gavel.

"You will live with the Chicago Bears." The judge quips, "They can't beat anybody."