In honor of tonight's showdown...

You, like the Redskins' Sherm Lewis, can also be a bingo caller - for the Saints/Pats game! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

There will be no posting for the remainder of the week due to the long weekend. Ahh, Thanksgiving. Food, family, friends, football! So, as everything this week is supposed to be tasty, I present some bite-sized bullets.

Another One Bites The Dust: LSU (#8), Wisconsin (#16), and Stanford (#17) all lost - by a combined 10 points. Gee golly Jeepers, some people are angry now!

And for Dessert...: Against teams with a combined record of 22-33, Florida (#1), Alabama (#2), Texas (#3), TCU (#4), and Boise State (#6) won - by a combined 201 points. Why are we having cupcake week at the end of November, again? 

Does it Get Any More Perfect?: There are 21 seniors playing for the schizophrenic Purdue Boilermakers. On Saturday, senior QB Joey Elliot's last pass as a Boilermaker was a touchdown. Senior CB David Pender's last play was a fumble recovery. Both of these plays came against school arch-rival IU in a heavily anticipated trophy match. Needless to say, Purdue won, ended on a high note, and left IU's colors crimson and creamed. Fun Fact: this season, the Boilermakers were 21 points away from being 10-2 instead of 5-7. 

Against the Purdue Bipolar Patients, the Indiana Loosiers kicked the bucket yet again. Source: AP, Tom Strattman.

Amusing Announcing, Part the First: At the start of said Purdue/IU contest, Big Ten Network announcers boldly declared that said rivalry had "spanned three centuries." Second and One deftly notes that Indiana University was founded in 1820, and Purdue University in 1869. As further research indicates that the term "Boilermaker" was first used (in connection with Purdue football) in 1889, the rivalry is at most about 120 years old. Please, announcers! Read the history books before openin' yer traps!

Does it Get Any More Sour?: The Michigan State Spartans, who are bowl-eligible yet again, lost last week by 28 points to out-of-state rival Penn State, who keeps the Land Grant Trophy and moves towards a possible BCS bowl bid. The Detroit News now announces that two Spartan players, RB Glenn Winston and FS Roderick Jenrette, have been dismissed from the team for violating team rules, possibly related to a gigantic brawl on MSU's campus that followed a frat party. (Detroit News) This is Winston's second run-in with the law, the first coming in fall of 2008. Winston and Jenrette - You are, as ESPN might say, the Turkeys of the Year.

Fresh from the Bakery, Delicious Thanksgiving Edition: Against Ohio State, Michigan Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier began the game by fumbling in his own end zone - and it just got worse. Forcier threw four interceptions on Saturday afternoon, and spent most of the day sulking on the bench and watching the Michigan defense chasing Terrelle Pryor around the field. Coach Rodriguez, what the heck's happened to Michigan?!

Truly Special Special Teams: With about six minutes left, after two incomplete passes by Vince Young, the Tennessee Not-So-Burnt-Toast lined up to punt the ball back to Houston...or did they? The ensuing fake and run gained the first down, but not before the punting unit was called late for delay of game. End result: a real punt. D'oh! 

Nice Play From the Backfield: In the depressing Bears-Eagles contest, Chicago WR Devin Hester dived for a ball overthrown by Jay Cutler. Eagles corner Asante Samuel reached out to stop him, and instead grabbed the waistband of Hester's pants from behind, revealing his - how should I put this - better assets (TV by the numbers. Warning: Not Safe For Work!) Other headlines Second and One considered for the uniform malfunction: The Play Was a Naked Reverse, Bears are Butt of Everyone's Jokes, Ass Interference, Bare Down, Full Moon Over Soldier Field, and the obligatory Chicago Unveils New Tight End. 

Amusing Announcing, Part the Second: During Monday Night Football's Fastest Three Minutes, ESPN's Chris Berman referred to the Kansas City Chiefs as "the killer tomato cans." Would this make the upset Steelers, then, effectively canned?

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: For the second time this season, Houston Texans kicker Kris Brown missed a game-tying field goal. The first time was against Indianapolis. Fun Fact: In both games, the final score was 20-17. Statistic O' Suckage: Despite existing for 8 years, the Houston Cattle Ranch has never made a postseason appearance, and has never had a winning season.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford!  Against Cleveland, Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford won the game by throwing a touchdown pass, on an untimed down, with the clock at 00.00, while injured and in obvious pain! On the day, Stafford's pass completion percentage was about 60.5%, but he threw for 422 yards, 5 TDs, and 2 interceptions. Not bad for a 21-year-old in Detroit these days.

Who would have thought that the most exciting game of the week would come between two teams with a combined record of 2-16? Source: Bleacherreport, Joe Robbins, Getty Images.

Amusing Announcing, Part the Third: The Now-Extinct Wolverines' Daryl Stonum lined up deep to return a punt with five minutes remaining before intermission, and was promptly cold-clocked by OSU's coverage team. "He really did stone 'em." Remarked the announcer. 

Obligatory (Long) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Aaron Rodgers buried the 49ers. Sidney Rice caught two touchdown passes. Wes Welker had more receiving yards than the Jets' entire receiving corps. Your Highness Addai-ness had a power-rush TD against a confused Ravens' D. End result: A fourth consecutive nucleophilic attack by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One!* Sour spot: My entire lineup was my optimal lineup. This has never happened. This last week, absolutely everything would have been perfect - but everyone reading this knows exactly where I went wrong. The Bears had (starter) Celek's number**, while Shiancoe went off like a bucket full of fireworks in a hot car. I am now personally going to petition Roger Goodell (I'd assume he's the commissioner of fantasy football as well) - to remove the tight end option from fantasy lineups altogether, as this is the only way I'll ever get it right.

And that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoys the respite the holiday weekend provides.

*In organic chemistry, reactions that involve multiple nucleophilic attacks (or really any attacks or events, usually as a lynchpin to assembly of some ugly molecule) are called cascades.

**It's 87, for everyone else. 

Pigskin Prognostication, Week 11

Kollege Kickoff will come in the next several days. After the bye week, I return, hopefully with my Powers O' Prophecy intact!

San Diego @ Denver: QB Kyle Orton sprained his left ankle against Washington last week. While he's officially listed as questionable for the game and the Broncos are keeping mum about who the starter will be, it's not looking good for Orton. After starting hot, the Broncos have dropped their last three. There is a lot of speculation about what's happened to the Broncos, but one of the most convincing theories is put forth by Gregg Easterbrook, who proposes that the Broncos train in high altitude very early in the fall and thus possess an edge in overall fitness to many other teams, but do not keep up this training regimen throughout the season. The end result: they simply run out of gas in the latter half. The Chargers are the opposite story. Year in, year out, they start slow and then finally show up around the same time the Christmas stuff shows up in the store. Last year, Philip Rivers was 4-0 in December, and this year, the San Diego Batteries have won their last four straight. The Bolts have also broken out in their running game, as best exemplified by LaDanian Tomlinson's two TDs in week 10.* Where the pass-wacky Chargers are lacking, still, is the rushing game, where they are ranked dead last. They also struggle on defense defending against the rush, and in a game where the Broncos are going to have to lean on the ground game, this could be a point of contention. Still, because of the injury and general psychology, I think I'm going to say voltage stuns and amperage kills and go with the Chargers.

In a parade of calendar hunks, Philip Rivers is Mr. December. Source: Eddie Perlas, Chargers.com

Philadelphia @ Chicago: After starting 3-1, the Chicago Bears (much to my extreme displeasure) have absolutely collapsed, dropping four of their last five. Their defensive schemes are outdated, they think "blitz" is some kind of food item, "discipline" is for schoolchildren, and they have been throttled by injuries. Any offensive package where the only two guys that can score are the tight end and the kicker is just as disastrous (see synonyms at "Oakland Raiders"). Jay Cutler has a good arm, but the Bears are looking woefully underdeveloped at wideout** and a poorly-coordinated offense, which frequently puts Cutler in situations where he screws up. And, to quote the head of our research group, "Yeah, you have to be pretty bad to lose to the 49ers." Rare Bears bits o' brilliance: The Bears' front 4 don't look too bad. WR Earl Bennett can catch the ball downfield. Greg Olsen has been generally good and has double the receiving TDs of anyone else on the team. Bears RB Matt Forte has proven he can make some amazing catches out of the backfield and appears to have terrific hands. The Eagles are blunderingly inconsistent, but once every three weeks or so, Donovan McNabb just goes off like a backpack full of dynamite. McNabb also has very dangerous weapons in WRs Jeremy Maclin and DeSean Jackson, and hybrid TE/fantasy beast Brent Celek, the latter of which will enjoy himself tonight dragging Al Afalava from goalpost to goalpost.  I regrettably pick the Eagles, and if the Bears win, I will simply be so happy that the Bears won and not worry that I blew the call.

 

Indianapolis @ Baltimore: As I stated two entries ago, the Baltimore Blackbirds are really struggling on offense. They struggled against Cleveland, only scoring one offensive touchdown in the second half. (To give a comparison, the Browns sacked Jay Cutler four times and still got creamed by 24 points.) On defense, in total yardage, pass yardage, rush yardage, and scoring ability, the Brownies are ranked 32nd, 20th, 30th, and 28th, respectively. If the Ravens can't score against these guys, they probably can't score against a Pop Warner team. Where the Ravens excel is on defense. Nobody watches a Ravens game to see Joe Flacco burning up the scoreboard, they watch a Ravens game to see the D smear the opposing team's O from sideline to sideline! But now Terrell Suggs is out and Ray Lewis, who is inarguably the best middle linebacker since Dick Butkus, has got to pull his weight. And here come the Indianapolis Colts, who are hotter than the center of the sun. The weakest of Baltimore's defensive units, actually, is their secondary, who allows over 200 pass yards per game on average. And here comes Peyton Manning. Do I need to say more? If the Ravens can remain committed to the run and crank up the pressure on Peyton, they might be able to send the Stampede to the glue factory, but I'm picking the Colts. 

Cleveland @ Detroit: Both teams are an absolute disaster. The Browns are ranked last in every offensive category except the rush, where they are still an anemic 26th. They have not scored more than 20 points against anyone all season. Let's use alliterative descriptors for how badly the Browns have lost this season. Blanked by Baltimore, Crushed by Chicago, Ground by Green Bay, Punished by Pittsburgh, Maimed by Minnesota, and Drubbed by Denver. In the eight games they lost, the average margin of defeat has been nearly 19 points. Good Green Giants, they've been creamed more than my coffee. Let's look at the Lions. They've got more injuries than General Hospital, but are at least not ranked below 26th in any offensive category. However, they were Smashed by the Saints, Twice-Victimized by the Vikings, Blown Out by the Bears, Squashed by the Seahawks, and Pounded by the Packers. Nonetheless, their margin of defeat is only about 16 points. This one could go either way. I'm using super-sophisticated math and will subtract these margins of defeat, and I'm saying the Lions will win - by three points.

More later.

*Also, just before kickoff last week, LT's wife told him she was pregnant. Congrats to the Tomlinson family!

**I believe the joke was something like this: Q: Why can't Jay Cutler talk on the phone? A: Because he can't find the receiver!

Week 10 Wackiness

I won't lie. I've got the worst case of writers' block imaginable. After yet another agonizing week of diminishing returns at work, I'm exhausted. So this will be yet another lite version of Second and One.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! This week's category is biased, because both the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Scoring Machines were up against two teams with a combined record of 2-14. Brett Favre, in his 300th NFL start, passed for an astonishing 20/29, 344 yards, and one score. Fun Fact: Over 200 yards of this pass-a-palooza were caught by Sidney Rice. However, we must remember that this was against the Lions. Despite rare flashes of brilliance, the Lions are sidelined by injuries, rookies, and a kind of timidity that manifests itself in surrendering points and outright lack of intensity. I honestly think at this point that cabbage looks more menacing than the Big Losing Cats. 

While nothing out of the NFC west looks promising (the entire division is a combined 14-22) the Rams look better a lot better than the Lions - of course they do, they beat them in week 8. Against Breesus and his Apostles,* the Rams put forth amazing effort and hung tight, likely aided by injuries on the Saints' defense (such as safety Darren Sharper, who can intercept everything but telegrams from spies), and problems up front (to possibly compensate for these injuries, the Saints stacked the box. RB Steven Jackson got out of the box). The end result? Drew Brees had to overcompensate yet again, finding the end zone twice and pushing NO to its first 9-0 start...ever. Plus: I love this new commercial for the Play60 program. (NFL) Drew Brees' #1 wideout? President Obama. Ergo, despite throwing two picks on Sunday, Brees wins this category because of this alone. On the new Second and One Assignment O' Awesomeness, where one is a kiss from your mom and 10 would be the offspring of Jackie Chan and Megan Fox killing zombies with a diamond-studded chainsaw, this is at least a 149.

Ridiculously Sick Series of Ridiculously Sick Plays: Sometimes, football is predictable. One watching says "ok, that's a run." "Ok, that's a deep pass." "Ok, they're going to fade to the corner of the end zone." "Ok. The Washington Redskins are kicking a field goal...or are they?" Against the Broncos, the Redskins didn't have much to work with. RB Clinton Portis was out with a concussion. Kyle Orton was dismembering the 'Skins secondary, who appeared to have Deer-in-the-Headlitis. It just wasn't looking good. Washington was down by 7, 4th and 20, with under 7 minutes in the second, and lined up to try a fire-drill of field goal to cut the differential before slogging into the locker room. They attempted a fake, but had to call a time out mid-execution because they only had ten men on the field! It looked laughably, hideously bad - and their secret was exposed to Denver. 

Senator Vreenak could tell us that it was a fake, too! Source: Jordanhoffman.com; Paramount Pictures. A Trek reference in a football blog? KILL THE HERETIC!

As red in the face as their goofy namesake, Washington then trots the punt team onto the field. The Broncos appeared confident that they had sniffed out a rat...but Washington promptly ran the exact same fake again, and punter Hunter Smith heaved the ball to Mike Sellers - straight into the endzone, and the only kicking the 'Skins did on this drive was the XP! (Highlights c/o NFL.com) This series is a rarity in that it is like a witty sitcom - it is both incredibly stupid and incredibly smart at the same time! Nice work, 'Skins!

Shakin' Things Up! Oh, the Browns. After a bye week that involved a quarterback change and people getting fired, they came out and embarrassed themselves, at home, on Monday Night Football, against the Baltimore Ravens. 

I will start by saying this. The Blackbirds' offense looks generally dreadful lately. They've lost four of their past five games. Joe Flacco was held to just 155 yards in the air. Kicker Steve Hauschka missed another field goal - his fourth of the season - and another extra point, and was promptly fired (keep in mind they cut their other kicker, Matt Stover, who returns to see the Ravens again on Sunday - he's playing in Indianapolis.) Both teams looked so awful that it was the first NFL game of the season that was scoreless at the entr'acte. 

Chop blocks and laying around? Maybe he'd be better on defense. Source: Joshua Gunter, the Plain Dealer.

But what of the Browns? Sure, they have Josh Cribbs, but he's now injured and any smidge of offense is crippled by overly-conservative, low-impact play calling (apparently "going deep" is too risque a concept for television). They suffer at wide receiver, and RB Jamal Lewis plans on retiring soon. They score so infrequently that most of the team probably could not locate the goal line on a map of a football field. And then Brady Quinn throws a block that has now sidelined Ravens' LB Terrell Suggs - for his first time in seven years. And Quinn won't even say how much the league fined him for his idiocy. What in God's Great Galaxy is wrong with the Cleveland Browns?

The news in Cleveland is that LeBron James - the star of the only team worth following in Cleveland (the Cavaliers) - would like to play football. (ESPN) And Browns Coach Eric Mangini is thinking about it. And you know, if I were Mangini, I might be thinking about it. The Browns, quite frankly, suck harder than an open window on a space flight,** and James was an all-pro wideout in high school. Ignoring the logistics of what would happen to the Cavaliers (for now), I say go for it. Other teams have shaken things up and gotten results. The Buccaneers were blowing harder than a wind tunnel, started Freeman at QB, and beat the Packers. The Titans were biting harder than Mike Tyson, started Vince Young, and have won their last 3. You're 1-8. What have you got to lose?

Amusing Announcing: Returning from the halftime break, Fox announcers read off a list of injured Detroit Lions - a few injured in the first half against the Vikes - and then quipped, "The Detroit sideline looks like a bad episode of House." In the third quarter of the Patriots/Colts skirmish, NBC announcers watched Peyton Manning pitch the pigskin at approximately the speed of sound, and then quipped, "That was a Halley's Comet. You only see that once every seventy-five years." And an unknown college announcer stated after a missed field goal, "Shank you very much." Keep the clever calls coming, commentators!

Is This Why You Go For It?: While we're talking about the Patriots and Colts, everyone is talking about Bill Belichick's decisive call to have the Patriots go for it while 4th and 2 on their own 28-yard line. I'll give the short summary in case people did not see the game. They were ahead. They went for it. They didn't convert by about three inches. The Colts, off the ensuing turnover on downs, scored and won by a single point, and the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium just about blew off. Time for my opinion: regardless of whether it was smart decision making, stupid decision making, blind arrogance, or just plain madness: it was the right call. The Indy defense had a hard time stopping the Patriots, but the Pats' defense obviously could not corral the Colts, despite the latter's slow start and Manning's two interceptions. Of course, anything could have happened had the Patriots punted. The Indy Stampede could have run the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. The kickoff could have been fumbled. There could have been an interception.  A bogus penalty. Pass interference. Extracurriculars. An earthquake. Heck, Joseph Addai could have held onto the ball for the remaining two minutes and made all of this speculation moot. Whatever. Belichick gambled - and sometimes, when you gamble, you lose. But when your defense is on the ropes, the absolute last thing you want to do is give the ball to Peyton Manning, who threw for 327 yards and four touchdowns. 

If anything, the problem was the way the Patriots ran the fateful play. A short flank pass to Kevin Faulk? Come on. Run that puppy up the gut!

I would have better luck starting Captain Morgan at tight end. Or maybe Mickey Mouse. Or Betty Crocker. Or your mom. Source: Getty Images.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Addai. Rice. The Ravens' defense. Wes Welker. A third consecutive nucleophilic attack! The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are mounting a comeback that rivals the Chargers here, folks! 

The one sour spot? I blew it at tight end. I opted to start Visanthe Shiancoe, employing the oft-effective "whoever plays the Lions" rule, and he stood around like shrubbery for the entire game, while Brent Celek continued his trend of scoring, celebrating in the end zone, and making both his opponents (and yours truly) completely miserable. 

In other news, the Earth revolves around the sun, and I am putting this into the Undeniable Facts of Life category: Death, Taxes, Inflation, Adultery, Buttered Bread Always Landing Buttered-Side-Down, and Having One Position On Your Fantasy Team That You Always @#$& up with.

Tomorrow is my favorite college team's biggest rivalry game, and I'm really looking forward to it. More news to come after!

*I must give credit where credit is due: the reference is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

**As the trend appears to be one of borrowing tonight, I will thank my buddy Eric, a fellow football nut and avid reader, for the silly simile!

Everyone is Upset/Saluting Those Who Go Above and Beyond

Sadly, in week 12, the season draws to a close for most college football teams. Us bloggers, or as we call ourselves when we're feeling overly politically-correct, amateur journalists, will only sleep when the world ends. Without further, unnecessary ado, your week 11 college football pleasure.

Another One Bites the Dust: The University of South Florida (#24), who made this blog earlier this season for their upset of Florida State (in which they shanked two field goals and still won the game), marched up to New Jersey to take on 6-2 Rutgers. The first thing I learned in reading about this game was that the Rutgers team actually has a name. I had just assumed that they were simply called "Rutgers" (as in "Who is USF playing this weekend? Uh, the Rutgers...erm, Rutgers.") They're called the Scarlet Knights, and up against the Bulls, they blocked a punt, forced four turnovers and multiple quarterback changes, held USF to less than 160 yards of total offense, and done what no team has done to them in regular season play in their entire history - they shut them out, 31-0. Goodness gracious, these guys are more defensive than me while driving on the interstate! (Some fun stats c/o ESPN)

(Yeah. USF is still seeing red after being blanked by the Scarlet Nights for the first time in program history. Source: AP, Mel Evans.)

That's Not A Very Christian Thing To Do: There's a heck of a lot of hullaballoo over Texas Christian University's Horned Frogs. They're undefeated, first, and second, everyone wonders what point they were trying to prove on Saturday by all but running the 8-1 Utah Utes out of the Lone Star State. In this 55-28 blowout, the Horny Toads ran up the score by having five different people run the ball into the end zone: four (Tucker, Kerley, Hicks, and Wesley) on offense, and one (Carder) on defense. Another fun fact: Despite its name, the horned frog (or horned toad, as it applies to TCU and not South American horned frogs) is a reptile, not an amphibian, and is the state reptile of both Texas and Wyoming. Second and One imagines what it would be like if more schools named their teams after their state reptiles. The Massachusetts Garter Snakes! The Oklahoma Collared Lizards! The Michigan Painted Turtles (although Michigan is slow and sluggish enough to make this one actually appropriate!)

Well whatever it is, Lee Corso puts it on his head every Saturday morning. Source: Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.

Fresh From The Bakery: Oh, those North Carolina Tar Heels. Staging upsets left and right! And oh, those Miami Hurricanes, who keep being upset! On Saturday, U-M QB Jacory Harris threw four interceptions, three of which were caught by UNC Cornerback Kendric Burney. And for the second time this season, UNC Kicker Casey Barth sent up the game-winning three points as the clock ticked toward the end. I can't help wonder what happened to Harris, though. College players often boast of being in communication with NFL stars: Purdue QB Joey Elliot is frequently texted by another famous Boilermaker who shall go unnamed beyond stating that he is currently playing somewhere in Louisiana. Did Harris get a call from Jay Cutler? 

Dumb, Daft Defenses, College Edition: Ohio State and Iowa! The evenly-matched powerhouses of the Big Ten squared off for a Rose Bowl berth on Saturday evening. Beginning the 4th quarter tied at ten apiece, a flurry of scoring ensued in the last regulation period, complete with the Hawkeyes running back a kickoff and OSU missing a field goal - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. With seven minutes remaining and OSU up by seven, the Buckeye defense appeared to have the Hawks pinned on their own side of the field. Rushes for losses, incomplete passes - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. On third and four, the defense was roaring for a big stop.  But OSU jumped offsides - giving Iowa an instant first down! And six plays later, the Hawkeyes tied the game. It's a moot point as OSU won anyway, but had Iowa petered out to a punt, it could have been accepted that Terrelle Pryor et al. would have simply been able to bleed the clock dry for the remaining five minutes and avoid overtime.

It Cleans! It Freshens! It Deodorizes, and Removes Even the Nastiest of Stains!: Here's a pair of thought questions. What do you call a player who records a passing, rushing, and receiving touchdown all in the same game? Answer: Clemson senior RB C.J. Spiller. On the other hand, what do you call a 4-5 team that squibs three kickoffs short in attempt to keep the ball away from this guy, including kicking a duck only six yards when they were already losing? Answer: 4-6.

...It organizes your shoes! It fits under your bed! It's only $19.95! In our salute of ridiculously overperforming players, let's take a look at Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour. When talking about dual-threat quarterbacks, a lot of names come to mind. Juice Williams. Tim Tebow. Terelle Pryor. These guys give you more options than an open buffet. Of course, nobody will think to look under the table. Out of the MAC conference, LeFevour passed for two touchdowns, both over 30 yards, and ran for four, including three in the second quarter alone. LeFevour now has 45 rushing touchdowns in his possession, as well as the school's record. The NCAA has actually has certain rules against deceiving opponents by having players deliberately switching numbers or positions. They might want to head up to Mount Pleasant to investigate this one!

CMU staged an epically Fevourous rout of embattled Toledo. Source: Tim Fitzgerald, CMU Athletics.

...It Slices! It Dices! It makes Julienne Fries! We can't have a discussion about running backs who single-handedly run up the score without mentioning Ole Miss' Dexter McCluster, who ran for 282 yards and four scores against the Tennessee Volunteers. Where the heck were Tennessee's linebackers in this maddening, 25-point McClusterfarking in Mississippi? Second and One offers some suggestions:

a) Back in Tennessee

b) Georgia

c) In Louisiana, trying to stop the Saints

That's all for now, sports fans. Tomorrow: To the pros!

An Open Letter to The Chicago Bears Organization

There will be no picks this week - Second and One deserves a bye week too and saw enough picks on Thursday night. Kollege Kickoff and news will continue as usual. But first, I felt the need to write this.

***

To the Chicago Bears Organization:

You guys are killing me this season. 

I mean, you're absolutely, unconscionably killing me. During the past five games, four of which have been atrocious, heartbreaking defeats, I sat, in my loyalty, wearing my Devin Hester jersey and color-matching everything down to my shoes. And as these games progressed, I became surrounded by all forms of coronary-clogging junk food, grievously and painfully wide-eyed over what my beloved Monsters of the Midway have become. A disaster.

First, I would like to know who is calling your plays these days. Mickey Mouse? Bozo the Clown? What made you think that, against the San Francisco 49ers, the 4th-ranked rush defense in the whole National Football League,  you could run poor Matt Forte into the line, again and again, without even learning how to block properly for him? Excluding the outliers, Forte had 1.3 yards per rushing attempt. If I drive my car repeatedly into a cinderblock wall, sure, I might eventually drive through it - but at great cost to everyone involved. You are going to hurt this kid. What ever happened to running outside? What ever happened to end-arounds and reverses? Heck, if you're going to be so conservative, what ever happened to the two tight-end set, for that matter? Watch some Colts tapes! Watch some Steelers tapes! Watch some Saints tapes! When are you guys going to chuck this playbook out the window and grow some sophistication? 

Why are you still holding onto this traditionalism that results in choking in the clutch? Why, in heaven and earth, after an entire, 80+ yard drive sustained to its end by Jay Cutler and Greg Olsen, did you take the latter - whom even aliens on Uranus could tell you is your best red zone target - out of the huddle, and substitute in third-stringer Kellen Davis, who had absolutely zero chemistry with Cutler when he ran into a sea of niners in the red zone? And later in the game, after a similarly boneheaded play, when Olsen went ballistic on the sidelines, why didn't you find out exactly what the outburst was about?

Second, this debacle is not entirely Jay Cutler's fault, and the Chicago Press and your higher-ups should be absolutely ashamed of themselves in piling the blame on him. Before everyone jumps on the bandwagon in crying for your quarterback's blood, remember that you are putting him in the situation to screw up like this. You have put him amidst a milquetoast receiving corps and an aging, ineffectual offensive line, and expected him to play Messiah. Jesus needs Apostles, people! Against Cleveland, arguably one of the worst defenses in the entire league, he was sacked four - count 'em - four times, and this is inexcusable. And if your line can't block, also remember this: forcing your quarterback to run backwards ten yards (just to avoid being creamed) and then pass forward for five still results in going backwards and leaves untold room for error. 

So let's talk about error. I will invoke my unified field theory of life: @$#% happens! Quarterbacks, especially younger quarterbacks, are human, like everyone else, and screw up. At least two of Thursday's interceptions weren't even Jay's fault. Receivers trip and fall down. Receivers have to alter their routes slightly to avoid running into the umpire. Receivers are unfairly interfered with and sometimes flags don't get called. And people have bad games. Eli Manning threw three interceptions against Arizona. Drew Brees, the MVP of the NFC, threw three against Miami and fumbled in the same game. Heck, while we're talking about the Cardinals, Kurt Warner threw five picks against the Panthers, and while we're talking about the Panthers, absolutely nobody knew why Jake Delhomme still had a job after the playoffs and the first third of the season. But no! you cry, He's a careless young gun who throws lots of INTs! I am thinking now of another "careless young gun" who lead the league in INTs - and is now going down in history as one of the greatest QBs to ever play the position. That's right. Brett Favre. Sure, putting the two in the same category is unfair comparison. But with time, and a coach who understands the psychology and basic field requirements necessary for good quarterbacking, we could have quite the turnaround.

Third: That's right. Coaching. I think Lovie Smith is a nice guy. I really do. But I think he's no longer right for this position. He's 20-21 since the Superbowl. The "love your players" approach is cute, but it's just not what you guys need. The lack of good coaching comes across strongly in two categories. First, you guys are sorely lacking in intensity on both sides of the ball. There are teams in the league that are permanently stuck in Two-Minute-Drill Mode (see details at "Carson Palmer et al."). There are teams in the league that play with an emotional fervor that borders on certifiable insanity (eg. New Orleans). And here you are, with conservative play calling, poor clock management, and a defense that is confused more oft than not. The intensity required for football is raw and primal; this is war. This is a brutal, zealous, male-initiation ritual that separates victor from subjugated loser! If you are on offense, you get out there and bury your opponent so deep that they never recover. If you're ahead by 14, play like you want to be ahead by 28. If you are on defense, your job is to make the opponent completely miserable. And there you have, in plays were Larry Fitzgerald and Chad Ochocinco are making beelines for your goal-line, at least one gentleman standing around doing nothing. 

This lack of coaching also comes across as lack of discipline. No team should have more than ten penalties per game. No team should have two delay of game flags when trying to score! No team should have a player ejected - Ever. Your front seven is a veritable false-start party, and your special teams garner more flags than the United Nations! A good coach gathers his players before a game and says "Guys, if you foul this up - figuratively and literally - there will be damnation to pay. Now settle down, breathe deeply, and get out there and do what you are paid millions of dollars to do - win. You are the Chicago Bears, darn it - start acting like them!" Either get some coaches who can enforce discipline, or get some more disciplined players.

Fourth: With this train-wreck in full effect, I can't help but wonder about your upper management after years of financial blundering, poor drafting, and outright stupidity. Are Jerry Angelo and Virginia McCaskey even Bears fans? Comfortable in their press-boxes and high society, do they have any clue whatsoever what it means to be a real Bears fan? I will tell you all what this is about. Chicago Bears: you are my team. You are my family's team and my father's team. I grew up watching him screaming at his television and couldn't figure out what it was about until I was a teenager. I then began to scream with him. I have made the pilgrimages to Soldier Field. I have gone to the bars and diners full of hopeful fans. I gone to watch you in both your finest fall form and your sloppiest December doldrums. I've cheered my heart out. I've cried my eyes out. Has your management ever worn team paraphernalia to serious meetings at work, prompting their bosses to ask "what, no eye black?" Has your management ever not slept after a yet another crushing loss? And I could do it another way. I could put on all the Packers gear in the universe and pretend to be a Cheesehead, but at the end of the day, I would be back in my head, in my friend's house, in February of 2007, watching Devin Hester run back the opening kickoff of the Superbowl - and it wouldn't feel right. Pride and Joy of Illinois? What is this?! Think about what you've done to your team. Think about what you've done to your fans!

In dire times such as this, we can do naught but reminisce. Source: Sports Illustrated, CNN.

And Bears fans do two things when times are lousy. We either say "well, it could be worse, we could be the [insert name of team with positively abysmal record here]." And you're going to let us settle for this kind of mediocre, destructive, uninspiring sport that makes us think this way? Alternatively, we think, "well, we won in 1986" and start dropping names like Bear wideouts drop passes: Butkus, Ditka, Payton, McMahon, the Fridge, Da '85 Defense. This doesn't matter! Only delusional people see clouds in silver linings, and only fools cling to the past. It is 2009.

But how about the young Bears fans? How about these kids in their late teens and 20s, the sons and daughters of those who watched the triumph of '86? When the Bears won Super Bowl XX, they did not exist. They were not alive to see this greatness everyone talked about, and these memories are meaningless. They have never known the feeling of waking up on a day when everything in their lives is going wrong, but could still say "Good heavens, at least the Bears are great!" if nothing else!

Sure, there's a lot of football left, and if you stage a fierce December comeback, I will respectfully eat my words and wash them down with half of Lake Michigan. But you're heading into a tough schedule. Eagles. Vikings. Packers. It's not looking good. Turn things around. Overhaul your playbook. Change some personnel. Mix things up. Find some leadership. It will be ugly. It will be hard. There will be blowouts. There will be barn-burners. There will be outrage. But you can do it. Remind us of that greatness. Remind us why it is, despite the heartbreak and the frustrations, that we still love the Chicago Bears.

And as always, Bear Down!!

Signed,

MC

Founder and Blogger

Second and One

November 15th, 2009

Week 10, Lite Version

I am just tired. So tonight's episode is a lite version. But like light beer or light butter, it still tastes pretty good if enough is applied or consumed!

Another One Bites the Dust, NFL Edition: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were shipwrecked at 0-7 coming into Sunday's contest against the Green Bay Packers. Imploding in 2008. The loss of Gruden to ESPN. A rookie coach. No defense whatsoever. More personnel turnover than the Italian government. Wearing their throwback orange jerseys with the logo from 1979, the Buccaneers actually scored 38 points...to the Pack's 28. 21-year-old rookie QB Josh Freeman, the youngest QB to ever start for the Bucs, had only 205 yards but threw for three TDs, including one on a 4th down conversion that sealed the deal. One of the questions everyone seems to be asking is "how much did home field advantage/matchup psychology matter?" Fun Fact: the Packers have lost seven of their last 8 in Tampa, and Green Bay has dropped its past three games with the Bucs regardless of whether they play in Tampa, at Lambeau, or in Australia. 

Yo, ho, ho, ho, a pirate's life for me! The Tampa Bay Creamsicles sent the Packers packing. Source: Getty Images, NY Daily.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 1: I'm still too frustrated to write about the Bears/Cards disaster. The Arizona Cardinals, lead by Kurt Warner, were out for blood after an abysmal performance against the Big Black Cats in week 8. They got it against the witless Bears, whose defense simply did not show up to play for the second time this season. The Bears, by virtue of losing by 20, were the ultimate in stupid defense on Sunday. Perhaps the stupidest Bear defender, however, was defensive tackle Tommie Harris, who was ejected 54 seconds into the game for decking Cardinals guard Deuce Lutui in the face so hard that Lutui's entire face swelled up. (NFL.com) What an extremely stupid and undisciplined thing to do, especially when it's known that when Harris doesn't do his part on the D-line that the soup hits the fan for the Bears: Harris was injured when the Bears were routed by Cincinnati, 45-10. The only thing I can think of was that Coach Smith told Harris to get out there and play smash mouth football, and Harris took it literally. Shameful.

Dumb, Daft Defenses, 2: Although the Cardinals won handily, they did make one extremely derailing defensive decision themselves. Tight end Greg Olsen is one of Jay Cutler's favorite targets, especially in short-yardage situations, and is still one of the league's most dangerous TEs in the red zone. Until last Sunday, many opposing teams had this notion figured out, leaving half of Chicago wondering if Olsen was a bust and the other half believing there was a massive defensive conspiracy against him. (Chicago Tribune) The Cards could have easily shut out the Bears, their weak secondary, and their stop-and-go offense, but instead opted to place their savvy cornerbacks in man coverage against Chicago's wideouts (Hester, Knox, Bennett), leaving, slower, less-effective safeties to practically run into each other chasing after Olsen all game.* Result: Three Bears touchdowns, all to #82, who was a good two yards off the defender every time! Everyone and their dog knew that this is where the ball was going; why didn't Clancy Pendergast? It's a moot point now, but it is safe to say that had the defense showed up, this game could have been very different. 

Confucius says: "three touchdowns to the Bears tight end puts 'greg' in 'egregious.'" Source: Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Much to my extreme surprise, the Big Black Cats corralled the Scoring Machines enough to allow the Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, to win again, lead by Aaron Rodgers (as he desperately tried to dig himself out of the Buccaneers debacle) and Joseph Addai (who lead the Colts in doing what they do best). The Nukes were up by 39 before the Steelers' defense (whom my opponent had) ever took the field. 

My buddy Tom, however, found himself in a more dire fantasy predicament. Up against his pal Newman, on Newman's birthday, his team struggled for dominance in a nail biter that ended up coming down to Hines Ward vs. Rashard Mendenhall. Ward prevailed at the last moment, and Tom won. For kicks, Tom and I actually made a bet over our ridiculous fantasy week. Tom and I make all sorts of football bets, which usually end in one of us losing five bucks or having to buy the other dinner. This one, however, was outrageous: if he lost, he would have come to my house and stage a literal song-and-dance number for my entertainment. On the other hand, if the Fighting Nucleophiles blew it because of the Steelers' D (which would be nothing short of a freak accident), I would have had to post some comments** in this blog that would firmly violate my PG rating. Thank goodness we both won!

Remember kids: Continuing our pseudo-Confucian allegory: does a clever play to Dallas' tight end constitute a "witticism?"

*Yes. I literally watched the replays about fifty times.

**No. I won't post them. I'll just say that said comments made me really glad that Kyle Orton was able to give Pittsburgh's secondary a hard time all night, despite losing the game.