And Now, A Few Thoughts on Bears-Vikes

I would have posted this yesterday, but I have returned home to my parents' house for the holidays, and most of Tuesday was spent waiting in airports for delayed flights. 

Here's a nice summary of the Bears' 40-14 romp over the Vikings. All pictures are from the AP (as in the news service, not Adrian Peterson), and the Chicago Tribune. 

I'm not going to lie. Considering the Bears got roasted like chestnuts the last time they played in a snow-globe, I was nervous as heck about this game, sitting in my boyfriend's apartment eating all sorts of cookies to steady my nerves.

And then, after the Vikings scored, came the sack heard around the world. Six-foot-six (and 270 lb) defensive end Corey Wootton may have very well ended Brett Favre's career last night with his first sack.

And from then on, it was pretty much all Bears. To quote the late Don Meredith: turn out the lights, the party's over.

Other than throwing a bogus interception after getting hit so hard he needed three stitches to his chin, Jay Cutler was terrific, throwing three touchdowns and completing passes to seven different receivers, including guys we haven't seen for a while, like Rashied Davis (nice to see you again, Rashied!).

Also: I have an idea. Since the NFL likes penalizing people for ridiculous things from "excessive celebration" to "disconcerting signals," and likes fining people for even dumber things, how about we fine any team that gets utterly torched by punting/kicking to Devin Hester? The penalty: sheer stupidity.

Of course, we can't neglect the defense. The Monsters of The Midway not only knocked Favre from the game, but had five turnovers, four sacks, three more QB hits, two batted balls, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10-4. See y'all in the playoffs, folks. 

And We Have A Second Place Winner!

I thought we were done with unsportsmanlike conduct until I read the news!

The Second Place winner for the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award, given to the college football team most sullied by scandal prior to a postseason appearance is...

The Boise State Broncos!

Come on. Everybody knew that the charmed Broncos were headed toward a cliff. It started when BSU kicker Kyle Brotzman missed two field goals in overtime against Nevada, knocking BSU out of contention for the National Title (moot point, with Oregon/Auburn winning anyway) or any BCS bowl, thus potentially costing the school millions in revenue from merchandising and TV deals. If the shanked kicks weren't enough, some angry fans (in a stunning display of classlessness) harassed Brotzman - even making threats on his life - on various social media websites. BSU is now headed to the MAACO Bowl, whatever the heck that is, to play Utah.

Boise State plays here! Sweet! No, wait, that would be the NECCO Bowl. Apologies.

But it gets worse. A freshman wide receiver for Boise is facing sex crime allegations for some incredibly unsavory things he did in high school. Along with an Idaho State freshman and some other player at a minor school in Montana, BSU's Anthony Clarke is facing allegations of involvement in sexual hazing, in which members of the high school's boys' basketball team were beaten, restrained, and violated. (NSFW details c/o Reuters). This is seriously not funny*, folks, especially now that more victims are coming forward and BSU's bowl game is in four days.

Who will win the third place award? We've already had sex and drugs: is rock-n-roll coming up?

Also: I will be incommunicado for the next 3-4 days; I am traveling home for the Holidays.

*Ok. So this award is for comedy purposes. Maybe we all get a little Schadenfreude from watching a powerhouse get shafted. Maybe my brain brain did turn off when the phrases "tight end" and "forcibly penetrated" were used in close proximity in the above article. Sexual assault still isn't funny, no matter the context. Ergo, the disclaimer.

Drumroll, Please:

...It's time to announce the winner of the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award! This award, also known as the Tennessee Titans Trophy, is awarded to the college football team that suffers the biggest utter collapse of team morals - and subsequently, team morale - after earning a bowl bid. The dubious honor went last year to the Michigan State Spartans, who suspended at least a dozen football players for their role in a brawl at a fraternity party before the Valero Alamo Bowl.  

This year's winner: the University of Iowa Hawkeyes!

Just days after the announcement that the Hawkeyes will play Missouri in the Insight Bowl, star wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was arrested on multiple drug-related charges, including unlawful possession of multiple prescription drugs, possession of controlled substances, and running a drug house. Johnson-Koulianos admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine. Additionally, Iowa's athletic program admitted today that there are "serious flaws" in the way they test their student-athletes for drug use and believes multiple people have been finding ways to buck the system. As if things can't get worse, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended from participating in Iowa's bowl game due to an unspecified violation of team rules. The second-stringer, sophomore Jewel Hampton, has transferred out of the program, and another running back, Brandon Wegher, has requested a transfer as well, leaving Ferentz to start true freshman Marcus Coker for the bowl game. Marcus Coker. Is there a greater name for a guy at a school with an apparent drug problem than that?!

These goofy characters are: (a) from a Dr. Seuss book; (b) Adam Robinson and Derrell Johnson-Koulianos; (c) the New Big 10 Divisions?

Speaking of messes in the Big Ten Et Al., the gerrymandering of the conference into divisions is complete, now with ridiculous re-branding. The two divisions will be named "Legends" and "Leaders", according to the BigTelevenTwelve Official Website. These names are silly. See, it's not hard to come up with names for divisions, but the heads of the conference have completely whiffed this one, and whiffing at naming things is like losing a fewest-interception contest to Carson Palmer. Here, in my opinion, are twenty division names which sound better than "Legends" and "Leaders," and I didn't even need two weeks in a boardroom to come up with them!

East and West

Right and Left

One and Two

Blue and Red

A and B

Brain and Heart

Wisdom and Courage

Gin and Tonic

Prose and Poetry

Punch and Judy

Harold and Maude

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Divide and Conquer

Your Dad and My Dad

Starsky and Hutch

Booze and Drugs (Iowa leads the latter, MSU the former)

Watson and Holmes

Toilet and Bidet

Liberals and Conservatives

The Division with Nebraska and the Division Without Nebraska

More to come later.

Lots of Things

Let's see. We've got so much in the news these days. We've got the Saints and Patriots who are making the scoreboard spin, the Big 10 et al's horrible new logo, the choke-tastic Jets, the entire AFC South being garbage, Cam Newton winning the Heisman, Albert Haynesworth getting suspended for refusing to play in any defensive scheme that the Redskins could possibly dream up, the Fighting Nucleophiles winning three straight, my boyfriend shooting the television with a nerf gun whenever the Lions found themselves on the slamming end of a bogus call, and something about a quarterback problem in Cincinnati, but this is all just talk. My favorite piece of news from the past week: the collapse of the Metrodome. If it hasn't been jammed down your throat a million times, the roof of the Metrodome caved in because of a heavy snowstorm that whomped the entire Midwest. Not only is it amazing video, but it happens to be a ridiculously apropos metaphor for the Vikings' entire season! Check it out!

Futility!

The news breaks now that, amid a flurry of midseason coaching turnover, the Denver Broncos have booted out Josh McDaniels after approximately 1.75 seasons, citing both his abysmal record and allegations of cheating by videotaping the San Francisco 49ers at practice. (ESPN/AP). My comment on this is that at least Bill Belichick videotaped someone actually good at football.  

My mass spectroscopist and I (doing our usual routine of Monday morning quarterbacking) got into a discussion of which Coach is next on the hot seat. My vote: Jeff Fisher of the Titans. We hate to make fun of the Titans too much, but if you're 5-7, you haven't scored a touchdown in 13 quarters (and don't appear to be making progress on locating this "end zone," whatever that is), your team has legal and psychological issues, your defensive backfield has more punchouts than Manny Pacquiao, your quarterback is a nutcase, and Randy Moss can't even fix the problem, you're probably pretty well shafted.

Runner up: Marvin Lewis of the now historically awful Cincinnati Bengals, who suffer from whatever syndrome the Detroit Lions have which causes them to play for 48 minutes only (and additionally from whatever disease the Vikings have, which makes them awesome on paper but stinky trash in real life.)

Speaking of Detroit, the Bears are now 9-3 and I couldn't be happier. I'm hoping that the Bears meet the Saints in the playoffs (wild-card, anyone?), so that I can watch this game with my friend Catherine (occasional reader and Saints fan extraordinaire) - with me in Devin Hester's #23 and her in Drew Brees' #9. 

A Funny!

I'm unusually busy today, but this graph I made captures exactly what happens when we play fantasy football.

The Second and One Christmas Party

Imagine this. 

We love ridiculous allegories around here, so now that it's the holiday season, let's assume that the NFL is one giant Christmas party. So who plays whom (or what) in this ragtag cast of characters that shows up at your apartment on a Friday night?

Brad Childress is like the turkey leftovers you find in the back of the fridge at some point during the first week of the month - You throw them out with a disturbing sense of alacrity as not to offend your guests.

The Dallas Cowboys are a nice, pretty Christmas present with nice, pretty wrapping paper. Always getting torn apart in December. 

The Chicago Bears are Santa Claus. He shows up to your party late, and everybody suddenly believes. How about those two safeties 20 yards deep, huh?

You're welcome, Eagles Fans. Source: Jose Osorio, Chicago Tribune

The San Diego Chargers are the Christmas Tree. Everyone oohs and aahs over how beautiful it is now, but everyone also knows that it'll get tossed out into the backyard come January. 

Halfway through the party, Vince Young walks out angrily and claims that he's not quitting on the party, he's just quitting on the host. 

Josh McDaniels is the obnoxious person who is videotaping the entire thing. Bill Belichick was the same person a couple of years ago - now he's just the guy who sits in the corner and never smiles because he thinks too much rum will make him sick.

Speaking of the rum, we'll have to give this distinction to the Pittsburgh Steelers. A bad encounter with them, and you're hammered.

"Yeah, Yeah. I'm going to be at your place a little late. I have a secondary to score on first." Source: chiefstailgate.net.

Dwayne Bowe is the star of the event, whom everyone wants a chance to talk to and catch up with. Hands down.

You know what happens when you invite a bunch of people over, who just cause mischief, run around, and knock over everything? Those people are the New Orleans Saints.

Brett Favre is the wheezy old guy whom nobody's seen in a while - but you invite him because you feel sorry for him. He wants to show you some pictures - everyone politely declines. 

The Detroit Lions are tacky sweaters. You're sure to see them one at least day a year - and they're still revolting.

Note to all: If you try this punch at my house, I will kick you out too. Source: David J. Philip, Associated Press.

Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan, are, of course, the punch. 

The Cincinnati Bengals are the fruitcake. They look pretty in theory, but then they get passed around, everyone has a bite, and the rest goes into the trash.

Derek Anderson has a major meltdown in the middle of the night as well, and walks out shortly after Vince Young does. 

Aye. Caramba!

The Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One) are what happens when someone (most notably, Tom Brady) knocks over a candle and burns the whole place down. Seven touchdowns between my receivers this week. (Psst, I'm on the left). Lordy, call the fire department!