...The Punter?!

This came to me from another website earlier today. Colts punter Pat McAfee was arrested and charged with public intoxication after drunkenly leaping into the canal that runs through the Broad Ripple part of Indianapolis and then apparently running wet and shirtless into the street. (AP/ESPN) ...the punter? Seriously? We've stated before that punters and kickers are arguably one of the most trouble-free positions on a team. The guy who goes to a bar and punches someone's lights out usually isn't the punter. If we believe the stereotypes, the punter would more likely be the guy with braces arguing violently at a Star Trek convention over whether Kirk or Picard is the better captain.

I mean, McAfee fundamentally didn't do anything terribly wrong beyond getting tankered and freezing his jock off (which, for all I actually know, may be illegal in Indianapolis), but I suppose that's what happens when a guy, whose entire job consists of essentially signaling that the offense has failed, finally, erm, snaps. 

***

I'm finally feeling better. I'm congested and gross, however, and I'm thoroughly convinced that I'll end up giving my symposium talk tomorrow sounding like Lou Holtz. Let me practice: "Noder Dame isth the besth theam there ith!"

Finally Unloading My Collection of Stuff

Ok. Today is the day when every random football-related comment I've saved on my computer makes its way up here, because I am home with a cold and have nothing better to do because it is 50 ˚F and raining outside. Without further ado...

Another One Bites The Dust, and I mean, Really Bites It: On Saturday, the #1, #5, #10, #19, #22, 23, and 24-ranked teams all lost - to teams ranked lower or to unranked teams. The smallest margin of defeat, one point, was the upset of #24. The largest, 13 points, the upset of #1. I don't even think they will even get the famed BCS computer to run for a day without bursting into flames at the rate we're going. Updated BCS standings can be found here. (ESPN) 

Bonus Statistic: The Indianapolis Colts' away record is better than every other NFL team's home record - except for the Patriots. 

Amusing Announcing: During the Bears' ugly loss to the Giants in week 4, after Jay Cutler was sacked yet another time, NBC Announcer Al Michaels quipped, "someone put a tent over this circus, this is unbelievable." I laughed for ten minutes.

Graduates of the Bill Belichick* School of Opponent Demoralization, Masters' Degree Edition: On Saturday, Boise State, Oklahoma, and Texas Christian (#3, 4, and 6, with a combined record of 19-0), won by a combined score of 131...to a total of three points scored by opponents with a combined record of 6-15. The valedictorian of the week: the Division I-AA Jacksonville Dolphins, who beat the Valparaiso Crusaders by an astonishing 86-7, in a game where Jacksonville actually lost the time of possession battle by about three minutes. Eighty-six to freaking' seven! Highlights of the game include touchdowns from two interception returns and a blocked punt. Jax's only mistake: missing their last PAT. Apparently these guys are repeat offenders - 35 is the fewest points they've scored all season.

Apparently, Jacksonville thinks they're a high school team running the A-11 No-Punt Offense, and Valpo thinks it's basketball season. Source: Jacksonville.com

More Amusing Announcing: During MNF's Fastest Three Minutes, Chris "Boomer" Berman referred to Steelers WR Mike Wallace as "The Sixty Minute Man" after the news commentator with the same name. Magnifico!

Dumb, Daft Defenses: Oh, Minnesota. Nothing stings like starting 1-6. On Saturday against purdue, while down 14-0 against the Purdue Boilermakers, Gophers' LB Gary Tinsley intercepted a botched wideout screen and was in position for a pick-6. As he dived and stretched his arms out to push the ball over the goal line, the ball squirted out of his hands and knocked over the pylon. The fumble was ruled a touchback, Purdue got the ball on the Minnesota 20-yard line and made the game 21-0, and Minnesota's coach (Tim Brewster) actually got fired the day after. D'oh. I will here use my significant other's rule for show-offy defenders: "just fall on it, jackass!"

Loony Bonus College Statistic: Until Saturday, Nebraska and Nevada were the only teams that, this season, have never trailed at any point during a game. Nebraska had never been in a tie at any point during a game, except for starting 0-0. Both teams were subsequently upset by unranked teams. 

Crappy Commentating: A friend of mine remarked on Facebook that he wanted to "punch Cris Collinsworth." I'm pretty sure this was the reason: on Sunday night, the commentator animatedly described the day's head injuries (complete with video of Eagles WR DeSean Jackson getting literally knocked out of the game). His emphasis seemed placed on the sensationalism of it all. This sort of violence is not sensational or funny. I like to regurgitate a Wayne Gretzky quote when I watch/hear things like this: "Why must the best shot in the game be on someone's nose instead of in someone's net?" These are serious injuries that, although rarely, can have life-threatening consequences. Such as is the case for Rutgers DT Eric LeGrand, who suffered a spinal cord injury in a helmet-to-helmet hit on a punt return and may be paralyzed from the neck down. (Larry Brown Sports) Come on, announcers. Grow up and realize the gravity of the situation, will you? You can see the video of the tackle that injured LeGrand at the link above, but it is rather cringe-worthy and I don't recommend it. We here at Second and One wish the best for LeGrand and his family.

Really Goofus Bonus NFL Statistics: In the NFC North, the Packers have lost two games in overtime and three by three points this season. In the two most recent games that Jay Cutler has played, he has been sacked fifteen times. The current point leaders in the NFC North: The Detroit Lions, who have also allowed the fewest sacks out of the entire division. The San Diego Chargers lead the statistical categories of pass yards per game, total offensive yards per game, total yards allowed per game, and pass yards allowed per game. They are currently 2-4. The Dallas Cowboys are also in the top five in these categories. They are 1-4. If anyone can give me a concise reason why these two teams are a combined 3-8, I'll be sure the Nobel Committee calls you tomorrow. Not a whole lot makes sense in the NFL right now.

No! We're the worse team! No, we are! Source: images.morris.com

I've Waited More Than a Year To say This, but...Don't Kick To Devin Hester!!: After a lackluster 2009 season on special teams, people thought Chicago WR/punt returner Devin Hester had lost his magic. Until, of course, 2010. Thus far, he's run back two for touchdowns this season, including in the Bears' dramatic upset of the Packers. If I were a special teams coach, I would tell my kicker to swallow the football before I'd tell him to kick to Devin Hester.

Amusing Announcing, "Because I'm Twelve" Edition: During a college game, the following comment was made about a player: "Every time he holds the ball, he finishes." I'm not saying anything else because my foot is dangerously close to my mouth already. 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: So I officially hate my perma-screwed, uber-deep fantasy league. I think our waiver system is horse puckey. I think our defensive scoring rubric makes less sense than NCAA recruiting rules. I think our scoring predictor has a lower success rate than monkeys throwing darts at a board. The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are at 1-5. I'm getting decked harder than whoever is unfortunate enough to line up opposite Cortland Finnegan every Sunday.** No matter who I start at running back or wide receiver, they always do absolutely nothing. Things like the Randy Moss trade, Demaryius Thomas' neck injury, and the very existence of LaDainian Tomlinson don't help, either. In order for my team to have a fighting chance, I need the Cards' O-line to learn how to block, for Ryan Mathews, Brandon Jackson, and Braylon Edwards to all break their feet at the same time, for every member of KC's receiving corps except for Dwayne Bowe to come down with leprosy, and for every defense in the league to forget Dallas Clark exists. Subtle irony: the one week I did win, I won because someone else started the wrong tight end for once. I can't talk about this any more. 

Whatever this thing is, I can guarantee that my fantasy football team currently blows harder than it ever could. Source, aoc.gov

Life Imitates Art, Which Imitates The Saints (Truly Special Special Teams): In week five, both the St. Louis Rams (on a 2-win streak) and the Kansas City Chiefs (on a 4-win streak) opted to begin their games with an onside kick. Both attempts failed. Both teams lost (and the former, horribly) Ugh.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Say what you will about Jaguars-Titans tonight. Here's what I have to say:

Will the Jaguars keep playing like dolts

Or will the Titans look worse than the 'Bolts?

Let me open my mouth

About the AFC South

They've all look'd bad - even the Colts.

And we conclude with our latest installment of Football Foods. I came up with this delicious meatloaf burger recipe while trying to figure out what to do with the pound of ground beef that boyfriend had in his freezer, all while watching Iowa beat up Michigan on Saturday:

BCS Buster Burgers:

1 lb ground beef

1 egg, lightly beaten like Florida on Saturday

1/4-1/3 cup bread crumbs

1 tbsp ketchup

1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1/8 tsp salt

1/8 tsp black pepper

1/8 tsp garlic powder

pinch of cayenne pepper (as, like former Oregon Duck LeGarrette Blount did, it gives a little extra punch)

Combine ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Mix with your hands to be sure everything is well-incorporated. Shape into patties and broil or grill to your desired degree of doneness (although I don't take responsibility if you get food poisoning and throw up all over yourself like Michigan seems to do every week). Top with your favorite fixins' and serve on buns. This recipe serves 2-3. 

Remember kids: if you think turnovers are what you order for dessert at Arby's, you shouldn't be playing linebacker.

*I just realize I have been spelling Belichick's name as "Belicheck" for the past five weeks. Oops. I guess he's the Toby Gerhart of this season: I didn't get his name right until week 13 of last year, just in time for the Heisman balloting.

**For those who don't get the joke, Finnegan has received three consecutive fines from the league for unnecessary roughness or something like that, and every player on Denver's offense is crying for a pound of his flesh. You can Google it if you really want to read about the drama (complete with Chuck Cecil's middle finger).

The Peyton Manning Audible Generator!

So people have been wondering this for a long time: what's with Peyton Manning's audibles? Well, according to a semi-recent interview, a lot of what Manning hollers out is simply improvised gibberish designed to fake out the defense. The rest is, interestingly enough, Gaelic. See here for yourself (there's a bit of comic mischief, so it may not be safe to listen to in public.)

And now I realize, it's pretty simple. It's easy to call plays for the Colts at the line! Just use the following handy-dandy template below, insert your own words, and yell it out in your best "game manager" voice!

"[Number between one and ten], [number in the hundreds], [food object], [style of dance], [Number between one and twenty], [Foreign-sounding word], let's go! go!"

Mine is "Six, four-forty, cream-puff, tango, seventeen, bouquet, let's go, go!"

Time to poll the audience!

mmm, Saturday!

I'm updating this time from my boyfriend's apartment, because my TV gives me this message that I need a new digital cable adapter to watch anything that's not network TV. A lot of fun college games today, including Texas knocking off #5 Nebraska and Michigan repeating last year's performance against Iowa (even though Iowa hasn't won in Ann Arbor since something like, the year we dropped the bomb on Japan). Also, Wisconsin just ran back the opening kickoff against #1 OSU. The Big10/11/12 is getting mixed up again. The current surprise of these rankings? Purdue, ranked 4th. Not too bad, considering the Boilermakers were expected to be the doormat of the conference and they currently run a weird, run-heavy franken-offense assembled from Gatorade, Ralph Bolden's torn knee ligaments, and Joe Tiller's old shoe. 

Also: Arkansas-Auburn have, thus far, scored a combined total of 108 points. Jeez, anyone who took the under on total scoring in this game got hosed (not like I bet on football or anything*).

Today's picture of the day is perhaps one of the worst and most hilarious goofs ever committed when writing a headline about the NFL. And, of course, it involves the Titans. (c/o Failblog)

They said Chris Johnson had good hands, but I had no idea. The last (offending) word, about an hour ago, was conveniently changed to "cornerback." 

More to come later.

*I don't. Really. 

More Brevity

I don't have much time to write again. Started a new project at work. I presented at one symposium on Monday and am presenting at another next Thursday. I have a whole Word document full of interesting football stuff that will eventually make its way online before it becomes outdated.

In the mean time, the BCS computer is in critical condition before it's even been formally booted up. Some people are wondering what Michigan's doing in the rankings at all. Others wonder the same about Alabama. All's well in the NFL on the other hand. The Cowboys and Chargers are continuing to choke. Randy Moss reportedly cussed out a reporter after the Vikings failed on Monday Night Football. There's some scandal involving a buxom Jets assistant, two masseuses, and pictures of Brett Favre's junk. The Bears are continuing to shorten my life-span by winning in the ugliest way possible. You know, business as usual. 

In honor of the last part, I present: my current desktop wallpaper.

Oh jeez.

Yep. It's true. Just days after the Patriots won a game without Randy Moss catching a single pass, the Pats have shipped the disgruntled wideout back to Minnesota in return for a third-round draft pick. (ESPN Boston)

Good news for the Vikings, who find themselves desperately thin at the WR position. It's rumored that the Patriots are trying to acquire equally disgruntled wideout Vincent Jackson (now with bonus contract holdout!) from the San Diego Chargers. Another smart move, as V-Jax clearly isn't getting what he wants from the brass in San Diego and the Patriots need a deep ball threat, thus qualifying him to play in Foxboro. 

Meanwhile, after the Bears absolutely imploded against the Giants on Sunday Night (yours truly turned it off at halftime), they cut struggling defensive end Mark Anderson (who was a star as a rookie). In his stead, they picked up 32-year-old Charles Grant, who was cut by both the Saints and Dolphins, and most recently released by a UFL team. Which apparently qualifies him to play in Chicago. The sound you hear is my snarky little eyeballs rolling back in my head. 

An Actual Update - Wait, What?

Ah, October. The month when the weather is no longer absurdly hot, when I can find candy apples and pumpkins at the store, and when, given the right circumstances, it's not totally inappropriate to start making Heisman predictions.* 

I've been pretty lousy at updating, I know. I've had a few days this week that weren't exactly worth getting out of bed for. So, onto the football. I also realize I'm lousy at writing introductory paragraphs for whatever reason. I need to work on this. I've spent weeks upon weeks writing manuscripts and patent disclosures and all sorts of sterile, technical blather. It's like work has sucked the proverbial marrow out of my creativity. 

Another One Bites The Dust: Oh boy. Four weeks in and people are already wondering what idiots made the top 25 rankings. #23 (North Carolina State) and #11 (Wisconsin) both lost to teams ranked either lower (in the latter case) or not ranked at all (the former). My personal favorite Upset O' The Week: unranked Washington knocking out a ranked USC team (this year, # 18) for the second year in a row. They supposedly kicked the game-winning three points after USC's kicker doinked one off the upright several minutes earlier. I saw part of this contest, and Washington honestly looked like a bunch of guys who met at a frat party for the first time the night before the game - no ability to cover the run and no ability to catch a ball without dropping it. Kudos to them for sobering up after halftime. There was a lot of action in the Pac-10 last night. 

Amusing Announcing: During between-game blather on ESPN, a commentator (perhaps Lou Holtz) referred to the LSU Tigers as the "Bayou Bengals." I must confess, this is one I've never heard before and it made me laugh. Are we allowed to call the TCU Horned Frogs the "Horny Toads" on TV yet? What's next? Caddyshack jokes about Minnesota?

Now if only the Gophers would stop blowing themselves up. Heh. Heh. See what I did there? Source: AP, Paul Battaglia. 

Random Bonus Statistic: The Montana State Bobcats and the Sacramento State Hornets (both Division I-AA), played a game in which 125 points were scored and 1,270 total yards of offense were accumulated. Montana State won the game, 64-61. Where were the defenses in this game, sitting on the bus watching television? 

Funny Name Alert (and another Random Bonus Statistic): Ohio State, excuse me, The Ohio State, is the only university football program where the head coach, offensive coordinator, and defensive coordinator all have the same first name. We speak, respectively, of Jim Tressel, Jim Bollman, and Jim Heacock. Also, according to the program's website, the team has 57 people on its coaching staff, including a person in charge of "defensive quality control". Perhaps we should send him to the teams listed above. I don't even think there are 57 people on the staff roster in my department, come to think of it.

Graduates Of the Bill Belicheck School of Opponent Demoralization, Blowout-tacular Summa Cum Laude Edition: Boise State (#3), TCU (#5), Auburn (#10), California (Pasadena) and S. Carolina State scored a combined 215 points, to a combined 3 by the opponents. Other notable blowouts include Drake (59-zip over Marist), and Eastern Kentucky (whose mascot looks disturbingly like Colonel Sanders) Kentucky-frying KY State 58-7. 

Graduates of the Dick Jauron "We Can't Find The End Zone" School: Division III Muskingum University defeated the Wilmington of Ohio Quakers by a blazingly impressive score of 3-0. 

Dear Tennessee: Thirteen? As everyone besides me has already remarked, that's too many even in Canada. Source: AP, Patrick Semansky. 

This is a Gun, This Is My Foot: At the end of the day, it looked like LSU (#12) was going down to the Tennessee Volunteers. LSU, on the final drive of the game (and furious attempt to score) tried to bleed the clock to zero, and then somehow goofed up the snap. The entire Tennessee bench started to run onto the field in celebration over the upset. But wait. What's that penalty flag doing there? The officials ruled that Tennessee did not only have twelve men on the field - they had thirteen. Gosh, that's unlucky. Since a game cannot end with a defensive penalty, LSU got another shot, where the ball was quickly punched into the end zone by RB Stevan Ridley (from one yard out). Ouch. Supposedly the ending of this game was so nasty, with helmets and headsets flying, that I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually got shot and this wasn't just a metaphor. 

Pro commentary to come. I mean it this time. 

*Although, can we stop with the Jake Locker/Denard Robinson hype, please? When either of these guys goes 10-2, sends their team to the Rose Bowl, and wins the thing, we'll talk about the Heisman.