No. Way.

I had to re-read this about five times. The Cincinnati Bengals have reached an agreement with Terrell Owens. (ESPN)

Let me re-iterate for those still slack-jawed in front of their computers.

The Cincinnati Bengals. Have reached. An agreement. With Terrell Owens.

Never mind the obvious questions about how TO fits into the offense, which receiver will be the odd man out, what Carson Palmer thinks about it, and whether or not this transaction will make the Bengals more than one-and-done in the playoffs next year (my answer: possible, if chemistry and egos don't get in the way): imagine the comedy when the two biggest characters to ever play a single position play on the same team! It's like it's made for reality TV! Wide receiver meetings will no longer be about which routes to run, but rather about which touchdown celebration will cause the biggest possible fine! They'll need a props closet in addition to an equipment closet!

My opinion: whatever floats their boat, I guess. I say if the Big Striped Cats really want to sell a product, that they ought to just sign Randy Moss and start the Three Stooges jokes earlier rather than later. 

That's all for now. Happy training camp, kiddies! Stay tuned for answers to all of our important training-camp questions! Why haven't the Rams signed Sam Bradford yet? Will Anthony Gonzalez actually get any playing time with the Colts this season? Is Favre coming back? Who will lose Mike Martz's game of Musical Tight Ends in Chicago? Who's starting at QB in Denver? In Buffalo? How about at RB for the Jets? Will the Titans find their second cornerback, or will Cortland Finnegan have to master the art of quantum superposition?* What are the Steelers doing without both Roethlisberger and Holmes? 

*Ok, so I need to explain this one with a mini-Soliloquy O' Science. Superposition is a principle in quantum physics that says that a body (or "particle") does not exist in one place or state, but rather, in all places or states at the same time. I think it also involves state vectors, and some guy named Heisenberg, but I lack the Dennis Miller-esque bravado to make this analogy work further. I'll just say that if any cornerback is capable of it, it's probably Finnegan. And maybe Darrelle Revis. 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Ok! The sports sites are all working again now (amazing what a computer reboot can do). I'm sitting in my living room sipping a cappuccino* and I feel like a real writer...so it's time for the six o' clock news.

The Bad: Perhaps the most cringeworthy story of the week was the news that Baltimore Ravens rookie LB Sergio Kindle (their top pick of the 2010 draft, out of Texas) has suffered a head injury. When someone sent me this story I thought "So? Football players sometimes suffer head injuries, that's the nature of the game" - until I read further. Kindle suffered a fractured skull as a result of a tumble he took down a flight of stairs, and is now out indefinitely for the Blackbirds. (NFL Fanhouse) Oh my gosh, this poor guy. The tragedy is honestly almost Greek in its essence as a linebacker is, in theory, an unbreakable human. It's not unlike the nosebleed that killed Attila the Hun. The only way I can imagine a worse turn of luck than this would have involved a dumpster at the bottom of the stairs filled with broken glass, or hydrochloric acid, or maybe angry Steelers fans or Ray Lewis' knife collection. 

Sergio Kindle - The only linebacker to lose a staring, erm, stairing contest. Get well soon, Serge! (Getty, NFL Fanhouse)

The Ugly: A slightly more unnerving story came out on ESPN yesterday. Heath inspectors across the country have released reports grading the concession stands at our favorite sports venues - with some truly nauseating results.(ESPN) I won't give all of the gory details, but inspectors found everything from inadequate water sources and mold and mildew to food stored at improper temperatures and employees who refused to wash their hands. While I've never gotten sick from food at any sporting event...it's just...ewww.** Around the NFL, some of the better venues included Gillette Stadium (reportedly immaculate), Lucas Oil Stadium (7% of vendors with something amiss) The Humphrey Metrodome (8% of vendors in violation), Soldier Field (12%), and the Louisiana Superdome (12%). Faring slightly worse were Reliant Stadium (26%), Paul Brown Stadium (31%), and McAfee Coliseum (34%). Heinz Field scored a gross 61%, proving that even though a stadium is named after a condiment, its employees may know nothing about food. LP Field, where the Titans play, had 62%, as if Titans fans need anything else to worry about. Detroit's Ford Field had a whopping 70% in violation, proving that it's not just their team that's totally disgusting. The worst stadiums were where the Dolphins and Bucs play (93% and 84%, and the Jaguars weren't far behind with 77%. Moral of the story: don't eat anything in Florida!

Here, $10 will get you a hotdog, a large Coke, and a side of explosive diarrhea. (ESeats.com)

The Good: We end on a happy note. Everyone knows about football guys who do bad things, go to jail, and get caught in notorious downward spirals. Just look at Michael Vick. He was cuffed on a dogfighting charge and it's been nothing but trouble since he got out. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday party. He had to miss his own charity golf tournament because his probation officer wouldn't let him travel. He filed for bankruptcy after he gave money to the lawyers defending the guys whose testimonies ultimately helped send him to the cooler. It's a big fiasco and some people are now crying fraud on top of it. (Yahoo Sports) It doesn't always work this way, however. Does anyone remember Maurice Clarett? The star running back from OSU who sued the league over their eligibility rules and lost, was drafted by the Broncos in '05, got into all sorts of trouble, was cut, and eventually ended up in prison for robbery? Yes, that guy. Well, he's turning over a proverbial new leaf and returning to finish college at his alma mater at the age of 26 (profootballtalk). Good for you, Maurice, and good luck. Thanks for giving me a little bit of faith in humanity today. 

Afterthought: I've officially joined my fantasy league for 2010! The notorious Fighting Nucleophiles are back for their third consecutive year!

To come in a few days: preseason rankings! And that's your world in football tonight. Reporting for Second and One, I'm MC. Have a great evening. 

*Yeah. It's the powdered stuff from General Foods. Who do I look like, Bill Simmons?

**It could be worse. One of my colleagues, a fellow from Argentina, went to a soccer game when he was young, ate something, and got food poisoning. Turned out it was hepatitis. Eesh. 

A Comedy of Errors

Sorry posting has been quite scarce around here lately. I was traveling for several days and then attended a chemistry conference earlier last week.

Unfortunately, most of the major sports sites (ESPN, NFL.com) have been mysteriously causing my browser to crash for the past 2-3 days, so really important things (Wes Welker's return to camp, Brett Favre's annual "will I retire?" game, Michael Vick declaring bankruptcy, NCAA investigations into dodgy recruiting practices, etc.) will have to wait until I can find out what's wrong with my computer.

One very interesting bit of humor, however, was sent to me by my buddy Eric (football fan and avid reader), via ESPNChicago, involving an exchange of some certain words between Chicago LB Brian Urlacher and conservative talking head Glenn Beck. Before everyone reading sprays their drinks all over the screen, here is the necessary background. A website called theroot.com (best described as a black news and entertainment site; unfortunately also crashes my browser), made a list of the "blackest white people" that they knew. Somehow, both Urlacher and Beck made the list (and honestly, don't ask me to explain something like this. I've read quantum mechanics treatises written by people who can barely speak English that make more sense than things like this). Beck, on his show, proceeded to discuss the other nominees on the list in a humorous commentary. When he came to Urlacher, Beck joked that the linebacker looked "like a Neo-Nazi" (Presumably due to the former's skin tone, short hair, and tattoo). This then caused a big controversy where Beck apologized, citing he did not know who Urlacher was and had to be careful, for Urlacher would likely "kill him" if he found out. 

Um, what? This has got to be the most preposterous offseason news I've heard thus far (and this offseason has been especially preposterous - yes, Tennessee Titans, I am talking about you). As an Urlacher fan, I'm glad Beck apologized. It's generally good policy to not meddle in the affairs of folks like linebackers, lest they try to eat you with barbecue sauce if you step out of line. Nonetheless, people have said much, much worse things on late night TV in the name of "comedy" without anyone so much as batting an eyelash, let alone turning it into a huge, unnecessary controversy about politics and race.*

*I try and excuse myself from these discussions. No matter what side you're on, you'll never win. 

Huzzah!

Today I (successfully) acquired fancy club tickets for the Chicago Bears' opening day game against the (potentially souped-up) Detroit Lions. So, on September 12th, my Lions fan-Better Half and I will be up in breezy section 313 of Soldier Field. We'll either see Jay Cutler stumble into a House of Spears, or we'll see what the Bears usually do to the Lions. (Yours truly hopes for the latter)

Even though that's like, two months away, I'm so excited that it's not even funny. 

Let's Just Nuke The Whole Darned State Already

c/o ESPN: Another Titans rookie is in trouble with the law. Defensive lineman David Howard (a seventh-round draft pick out of Brown) has pleaded no contest to assault charges stemming from an incident in April, where he reportedly punched and kicked a patron at a bar where he was working in Rhode Island. 

Since there isn't much more we can say about the Titans, let's do this: does anyone have an over/under on the percentage of the team that will be in hot water by the time the season actually starts? I'm going with 73%.

Commemorative 100th Post!

This is Second and One's 100th post since its inception eighteen months ago. This comes out to approximately 5.56 posts per month, which isn't too bad, considering some weeks I work 50 hours and have to consciously try and remember that football isn't just a bunch of guys clocking each other for the fun of it. 

I don't have too much to say today beyond that whatever is plaguing the Titans is apparently beginning to infect the rest of Tennessee: a receiver at the University of Said Belabored State was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after a huge barroom brawl that left police officers unconscious. (ESPN) Yeesh. If the football gods incur any more wrath, the state will have to be quarantined.

More Summer Extra Points

Posting will be limited for the next week or so - I'm on vacation. A bit of brevity first:

So, Giants LB Antonio Pierce (who was released in February) is announcing his retirement from football. Pierce, who played five seasons with the G-men and served as a defensive captain for three, is joining ESPN as an analyst, beginning this month. (ESPN) Good for him. It's nice to have some news that's not straight from the Scandal Sheet for once.

Maybe he should get a sitcom with Michael Strahan, or be in the Subway commercials with Justin Tuck as well? (Brassbonanzatime, original source unknown)

Continuing with this off-season's plethora of bad news, USC (who was #1 on Second and One's recent list of Teams Who Are Utterly And Completely Screwed) can no longer be ranked this season in the USA Today Coaches' Poll due to the heavy sanctions imposed by the NCAA. Ouch! USC plans to appeal this decision, however.(ESPN LA)

And now to the idiocy! Did anyone hear about JaMarcus Russell and the cough syrup? Russell was recently arrested in Alabama for possession of codeine syrup, which is a controlled substance that one needs a prescription for (if I recall correctly).  Russell was cuffed as part of a two-month undercover investigation which could possibly lead to more arrests. According to authorities, codeine syrup is sometimes mixed with soda to make a concoction called "sip-sip", "lean", "purple drank", or "sizzurp," terms popular in southern hip-hop culture. (Blog.al.com, Yahoo Sports, Wikipedia, darn near everywhere else). Supposedly, the stuff slows your reflexes, and makes you stumbling and euphoric (mini-Soliloquy O' Science: Codeine is an opiate, in the same family as heroin and morphine, and they generally all do the same thing to you, although codeine tends to be much less addictive). I don't know. To me, mixing cough syrup with anything and slurping it recreationally sounds like a pretty bad idea, but so does playing for the Raiders, so who am I to judge?

More to come when I get to it.