A Comedy of Errors

Sorry posting has been quite scarce around here lately. I was traveling for several days and then attended a chemistry conference earlier last week.

Unfortunately, most of the major sports sites (ESPN, NFL.com) have been mysteriously causing my browser to crash for the past 2-3 days, so really important things (Wes Welker's return to camp, Brett Favre's annual "will I retire?" game, Michael Vick declaring bankruptcy, NCAA investigations into dodgy recruiting practices, etc.) will have to wait until I can find out what's wrong with my computer.

One very interesting bit of humor, however, was sent to me by my buddy Eric (football fan and avid reader), via ESPNChicago, involving an exchange of some certain words between Chicago LB Brian Urlacher and conservative talking head Glenn Beck. Before everyone reading sprays their drinks all over the screen, here is the necessary background. A website called theroot.com (best described as a black news and entertainment site; unfortunately also crashes my browser), made a list of the "blackest white people" that they knew. Somehow, both Urlacher and Beck made the list (and honestly, don't ask me to explain something like this. I've read quantum mechanics treatises written by people who can barely speak English that make more sense than things like this). Beck, on his show, proceeded to discuss the other nominees on the list in a humorous commentary. When he came to Urlacher, Beck joked that the linebacker looked "like a Neo-Nazi" (Presumably due to the former's skin tone, short hair, and tattoo). This then caused a big controversy where Beck apologized, citing he did not know who Urlacher was and had to be careful, for Urlacher would likely "kill him" if he found out. 

Um, what? This has got to be the most preposterous offseason news I've heard thus far (and this offseason has been especially preposterous - yes, Tennessee Titans, I am talking about you). As an Urlacher fan, I'm glad Beck apologized. It's generally good policy to not meddle in the affairs of folks like linebackers, lest they try to eat you with barbecue sauce if you step out of line. Nonetheless, people have said much, much worse things on late night TV in the name of "comedy" without anyone so much as batting an eyelash, let alone turning it into a huge, unnecessary controversy about politics and race.*

*I try and excuse myself from these discussions. No matter what side you're on, you'll never win. 

Huzzah!

Today I (successfully) acquired fancy club tickets for the Chicago Bears' opening day game against the (potentially souped-up) Detroit Lions. So, on September 12th, my Lions fan-Better Half and I will be up in breezy section 313 of Soldier Field. We'll either see Jay Cutler stumble into a House of Spears, or we'll see what the Bears usually do to the Lions. (Yours truly hopes for the latter)

Even though that's like, two months away, I'm so excited that it's not even funny. 

Let's Just Nuke The Whole Darned State Already

c/o ESPN: Another Titans rookie is in trouble with the law. Defensive lineman David Howard (a seventh-round draft pick out of Brown) has pleaded no contest to assault charges stemming from an incident in April, where he reportedly punched and kicked a patron at a bar where he was working in Rhode Island. 

Since there isn't much more we can say about the Titans, let's do this: does anyone have an over/under on the percentage of the team that will be in hot water by the time the season actually starts? I'm going with 73%.

Commemorative 100th Post!

This is Second and One's 100th post since its inception eighteen months ago. This comes out to approximately 5.56 posts per month, which isn't too bad, considering some weeks I work 50 hours and have to consciously try and remember that football isn't just a bunch of guys clocking each other for the fun of it. 

I don't have too much to say today beyond that whatever is plaguing the Titans is apparently beginning to infect the rest of Tennessee: a receiver at the University of Said Belabored State was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after a huge barroom brawl that left police officers unconscious. (ESPN) Yeesh. If the football gods incur any more wrath, the state will have to be quarantined.

More Summer Extra Points

Posting will be limited for the next week or so - I'm on vacation. A bit of brevity first:

So, Giants LB Antonio Pierce (who was released in February) is announcing his retirement from football. Pierce, who played five seasons with the G-men and served as a defensive captain for three, is joining ESPN as an analyst, beginning this month. (ESPN) Good for him. It's nice to have some news that's not straight from the Scandal Sheet for once.

Maybe he should get a sitcom with Michael Strahan, or be in the Subway commercials with Justin Tuck as well? (Brassbonanzatime, original source unknown)

Continuing with this off-season's plethora of bad news, USC (who was #1 on Second and One's recent list of Teams Who Are Utterly And Completely Screwed) can no longer be ranked this season in the USA Today Coaches' Poll due to the heavy sanctions imposed by the NCAA. Ouch! USC plans to appeal this decision, however.(ESPN LA)

And now to the idiocy! Did anyone hear about JaMarcus Russell and the cough syrup? Russell was recently arrested in Alabama for possession of codeine syrup, which is a controlled substance that one needs a prescription for (if I recall correctly).  Russell was cuffed as part of a two-month undercover investigation which could possibly lead to more arrests. According to authorities, codeine syrup is sometimes mixed with soda to make a concoction called "sip-sip", "lean", "purple drank", or "sizzurp," terms popular in southern hip-hop culture. (Blog.al.com, Yahoo Sports, Wikipedia, darn near everywhere else). Supposedly, the stuff slows your reflexes, and makes you stumbling and euphoric (mini-Soliloquy O' Science: Codeine is an opiate, in the same family as heroin and morphine, and they generally all do the same thing to you, although codeine tends to be much less addictive). I don't know. To me, mixing cough syrup with anything and slurping it recreationally sounds like a pretty bad idea, but so does playing for the Raiders, so who am I to judge?

More to come when I get to it. 

This is Officially Ridiculous.

As an addendum to yesterday's entry (and because there's else nothing in the news that wouldn't overload the already bulging Dossier O' Dumbassery), let's look at the chronology of the Titans' cringe-worthy crescendo thus far:

Team plays with the intensity of limp asparagus most of season > QB in hot water for decking a guy at a strip joint > RB whines endlessly about his contract > LB suspended four games on suspicion of using banned substances > chaos erupts at practice, complete with flying helmets and unsettling notion that WR and CB hate each other > Rookie DE arrested for speeding and driving with a suspended license > sinkhole opens at LP field, revealing greater problems, possibly not covered by insurance...

And now backup QB Chris Simms was arrested early yesterday morning in Manhattan on suspicion of driving while under the influence of marijuana - while his pregnant wife was in the car with him. (AP/ESPN) Three days before the anniversary of Steve McNair's death (the circumstances of which will not be investigated further, if I forgot to mention this above.

I seriously cannot make this stuff up. If Jeff Fisher doesn't commit hara-kiri within 48 hours, I'll send all of Tennessee a fruit basket. Or maybe steak. 

Summer Extra Points

Comments are again closed/hidden. The minute I opened them up two weeks ago, I received a staggering influx of porn links written in other languages. Which is great, I guess, if you understand said languages and you're feeling a bit randy, but I wouldn't expect a fair portion of my readership to feel that way while reading about football.

If anyone's been following the Tennessee Titans (who seem to be hogging the NFL's entire supply of bad karma), and have thought it could get no worse, ye are mistaken, mortal - it just got worse. The spring's flooding in Nashville has caused a sizable sinkhole to open up at LP field, in addition to the other three million dollars of damage the flooding caused to the stadium. (Nashville Business Journal) Due to the fact that those in the know think this may have been caused by a "pre-existing condition" (ie, they built the place on shaky ground) and shoddy construction (ie, they can't hold a stadium together any more than they can hold a team together down there), the city's insurance may not cover the damages! Folks, we've officially crossed from bad psychology into a disaster of Biblical proportions. God/Goddess/The Powers That Be has decided (s)he/it hates the Titans and anyone/anything associated with said team and is content on wrecking their home turf, thereby offering schadenfreude to everyone else. I'm actually kind of sad that the Bears don't play the Titans this year; watching the League's most inept offense square off against the League's biggest train-wreck would be uproarious. I'm also looking forward to the Eagles/Redskins game just to watch Donovan McNabb get confused about who he plays for halfway through the third quarter or something. 

My buddy Eric, football fan and avid reader, points out that the whole sordid mess in Nashville actually follows Greek mythology, where the Titans were actually the Elder gods of the Greek pantheon, and they were eventually overthrown and banished by other gods. History always repeats itself, right?

In other news: Bears tickets go on sale in sixteen days. I'm excited.