National Bad Psychology Month

I know. I've been heinously delinquent in updating this thing, but I can't hold off any longer. All of football - both college and professional - are full of outright bad psychology these days!

What, do you ask, constitutes "bad psychology?" I've mentioned it before. "Bad psychology" is where one, or a few (comparatively minor) connected events act as a catalyst to seemingly shift the karmic balance of an entire team/division/conference/league from positive to negative - sometimes in a matter of hours or days. It's the sporting equivalent of forgetting your keys in the morning, and this minor annoyance then leads to you being late for work, which leads to your boss chewing you out - and after a few more hours, you've been rained on, stung by bees, chased by a madman with a machete, and you come home to find out that your house has burned down. Like that. So here are Second and One's Top 5 Worst Karmic Sucker-Punches of summer football news, in order of how increasingly mouth-puckeringly sour they are.

#5. The Big-12 Conference Calamity

Catalyst: The Big 10 conference offered the Nebraska Cornhuskers the opportunity to join the fun and form effectively a Big 12 of the East. The Huskers accepted.(Omaha World-Herald). While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, my mass spectroscopist (the biggest Huskers fan this side of the Mississippi) says it makes no sense whatsoever and argues that everything is the University of Texas' fault for "de-stabilizing" the conference with their constant "greed" and desire to have bowl games in Texas. On the Big(11)10 side, conference purists make many arguments against this move, including geographical proximity or lack thereof, "what about Cincy/Pitt/Mizzou/Notre Dame?", and such statements as "who gives a crap if IU plays Nebraska but IU and Nebraska?"

Fallout: The rest of the conferences have effectively decided to follow suit, thus making the "who's going where" speculation machine crank up to eleven, err, twelve. Thus far we've got: Boise State jumping ship to the Mountain West conference, Colorado departing for the Pac-10, Texas and Texas Tech trying to debate whether to stay in the Big 12 or join the Pac-10 (or worse yet, the SEC), Mizzou furiously declaring its desire to save the fragmenting conference, and a bunch of hearsay about where Texas A&M is going to end up. (ESPN) End result: My colleagues and I now require a complicated system of score pads, betting sheets, and gratuitous arguing to sort it out. 

#4. The NFC North's Nitwits

Catalyst: It all started in Minnesota. The Vikings have had more drama than daytime TV, including Brett Favre's retirement non-retirement, the heart-stopping NFC championship game last year, AP and Bernard Berrian's speeding tickets, Brad Childress in drag, the Love Boat scandal - It's like having jock itch; you just can't get rid of it! The latest fiasco comes with defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams (the infamous Williams Wall), who were caught in violation of the League's substance abuse policy for taking a banned diuretic that was supposed to only show up in a weight-loss supplement intended for women. Last I checked, nobody knew what the judge in this case was doing or whether they'll be suspended for four games or not so I won't post any links. It doesn't stop the unpleasant whispering in the ear of karma, however. 

Fallout: The bad news appears to have spread to Green Bay, where, earlier this month, CB Brandon Underwood faced claims that he sexually assaulted two women following a charity golf outing. This also comes on the heels of defensive lineman Johnny Jolly's drug arrest in Houston, and something about TE Spencer Havner riding a motorcycle while drunk. Aye-freakin' Caramba. (NFL.com). Whatever this is, I hope it stops at the Wisconsin/Illinois border!

Or maybe at the Wisconsin/Michigan border. Like these poor guys need any more drama. (Life Magazine)

#3. Maimed MSU's March Madness Mortification? 

Catalyst: Everyone knows what happened to MSU last season: the multiple dismissals and suspensions served as mere preamble to the Spartans' bowl-game collapse against the Texas Tech Red Raiders.

Fallout: MSU fans were eager to avenge their spectacular on-and-off-field destruction during basketball season. While they didn't do badly in the tournament, news has now surfaced that MSU basketball coach, the legendary, hoarse-voiced Tom Izzo, may leave to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. This move would be to keep LeBron James from going to the Chicago Bulls (or elsewhere) and taking most of the economy of Cleveland out with him. This registers as our #3 entry because it affects multiple sports and may effectively tear the bowels out of an entire fan-base. It's gotten SO desperate in Michigan that the state's congressmen have even written to Izzo. Sadly, I am not making this up. (ESPN)

#2. A Titanic Travesty in Tennessee:

Catalyst: Titans QB Vince Young, long considered an upstanding citizen if not a bit dramatic, was nailed on early Sunday morning with a class C assault charge after he punched a man at a Dallas strip club who made derogatory statements and gestures about Young's alma mater. (ESPN) Everyone reading no doubt realizes that if the Titans lose Vince Young, that, short of having Kenny Britt throw the ball downfield and run to catch it, they're shafted at the QB position, unless Kerry Collins miraculously grows 10 years younger overnight.

Fallout: The painful psychological snowball didn't stop there. This morning, the NFL announced the suspension of LB Gerald McRath, who also violated the League's substance-abuse policy and is now balking loudly, claiming he took a "tainted supplement." (National football post has minor details) Ouch! Two kicks to the metaphorical groin in one day! And it got even worse. Paul Kuharsky's AFC South Blog reports that at Titans practice today, an offensive lineman and defensive end got into an altercation that involved flying helmets and Jeff Fisher blowing up, and all of this happened amid a nasty, persistent argument between WR Nate Washington and CB Cortland Finnegan!* (ESPN, Now, whether either Washington or Finnegan was out of line or if this progressed any further beyond normal practice-field jawing is beside the point) - it's just another cherry on top of an already enormously barbaric banana split of blasphemy. This entry makes #2 because it's two nasty events that caused team morale to utterly collapse within 24 hours, and it follows a season in which the Titans were already on their way to Palookaville.

For Second and One's second revision of the Titans logo, it was either this or a giant middle finger.

#1. The AFC South's Steroid Shakeup and Southern California

Catalyst: Old news, but Brian Cushing, a rookie linebacker for the Houston Texans (and rookie of the year!) has been suspended for four games for testing positive for a banned substance. The substance: hCG, the hormone that pregnancy tests look for. It can be often used as a masking agent for anabolic steroids.

Fallout: A re-vote was held for rookie of the year,** and Cushing promptly won again, despite the allegations. Were those voting hiding under a rock for two weeks?! Additionally, another source (read as: "someone anonymously posting on the internet," claimed steroids were rampant among the linebacking corps at USC, although I'm not sure I buy it - The only thing Clay Matthews is guilty of is looking a bit too much like AJ Hawk for my tastes). Oh, and speaking of USC, the bad psychology from the Cushing flap obviously spread to his alma mater, which has now been slapped with numerous sanctions by the NCAA, including probations, loss of scholarships, a two-year bowl ban, and multiple win forfeits. (SI). Supposedly, the violations had to do with handouts to recruits (most noticeably, Saints RB Reggie Bush) and their families, inaccurate declarations of eligibility, and "lack of institutional control." Well, whatever that is, it's all Brian Cushing's fault, and he's earned the #1 spot on our list.

More to come later.

*Is there anyone/anything these two haven't yelled at? Let's get them in a room with Philip Rivers - or is it too early for fireworks?

**Second and One's alternative nominees: Clay Matthews (Green Bay), Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie (Both out of Indianapolis)

Crime and Punishment

Good heavens, there's a lot of spicy, juicy news this week. I figured since I'm home sick from work for the third time this year (because apparently my immune system's defense is only slightly better than the Cleveland Browns' defense), that a second theme-post ("Crime and Punishment") is in order (as I make Leo Tolstoy spin so fast in his grave that we could use his remains as a turbine engine).

First order of business. Pro Football Hall of Fame linebacker and former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor has been arrested for the alleged solicitation and rape of a 16-year old runaway girl, who may or may not have been a prostitute (ESPN).* Oi vey. According to the gory reports, 51-year-old Taylor arranged a meeting at a hotel with the girl through a middleman (who has since been arrested for sex trafficking), and allegedly payed her $300 for her, uh, services. Since the girl is under the age of consent in New York (which I believe is 17), it's third-degree rape. Whoah, that's a hard story to swallow at about 9AM when you're recovering from a nasty cold, and I really don't know what to say about it other than Taylor should be ashamed of himself if it's true and I hope someone helps the young lady in question. This is not Taylor's first run-in with the law, his prior arrests coming from possession of drug and drug paraphernalia and tax fraud and evasion. Because what man doesn't want to keep every penny he earns to blow it on, well, blow?

***

In other news, it looks like we may have some fallen Saints on our hands...or maybe not. Supposedly, head coach Sean Payton and another coach are accused of stealing Vicodin from the team's medicine chest. I'm having a hard time following this story, which Deadspin describes as "potentially scandalous, potentially frivolous"). Reportedly, one coach (and Payton as well) were prescribed the narcotic, and the other coach got to abusing it and stealing tons of pills from the cabinet, and a former security guard (and also FBI agent) blew the whistle, claiming he was ordered by Saints GM Mickey Loomis to cover up the scandal. Supposedly there are NFL audits, secret microphones, two million dollars, and videotape involved, and someone's been talking to the DEA, who doesn't seem to care all that much about some guy stealing some other guy's pills, even if they won the Super Bowl. (ESPN)

"What should we steal next?" "Hmm, I don't know. How about Drew Brees' birthmark?" Source: exposay.com via Deadspin - I don't normally take pictures from the same article I cite, but the picture just goes with the caption too darn well. 

***

It's official - The Raiders have released JaMarcus Russell, a former first-round-pick overall out of LSU, making him one of the biggest draft busts of all time, as Russell only won 7 of the 25 games he started and will still cost them 39 million dollars. (NFL) I'm not sure what Russell's problem was beyond the descriptors of him being everything from lazy and overweight to unproductive and difficult to work with. I thought to begin with that his SEC-style of play wouldn't be a good fit for the Raiders' more traditional offense. Nonetheless I'm sure the total bummer and outright bad psychology that is a franchise that's had seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses can also mess with the head of a 21 (22?)-year-old rookie. When I think back to being that age, I probably wouldn't have wanted to play for the Raiders either.

Who wants to play where these guys scream at you all game? Who are the two with the KISS-makeup, Road Warrior Animal and his son?** Source: akgroom.wordpress.com, original photographer unknown; and some random wrestling site.

***

I'll end this entry on a positive note. Last Monday, myself and a group of random crazy scientists (read as: my friends and colleagues), decided to play flag football out on one of the many grassy fields around the Large University Where I Work instead of slaving away at our research. It was a beautiful day even though my team lost. My dad later asked me what position I played and whether I definitively enjoyed playing offense or defense more, and I definitively have an answer. 

So I was sitting with a group of people on a Saturday night a couple years back, just drinking beer and watching college games, and we got around to the hypothetical "what position would you play?" question. People had a hard time placing me until someone piped up, "you'd be a wide receiver because you're tall" and everyone leapt on the proverbial bandwagon. Well, erm, ok, this would be a spot-on statement, except for one little (and maybe sort of important) fact. I can't catch. I'm absolutely horrible on offense beyond simply being a decoy to draw coverage because I couldn't hold onto a football if it were duct-taped to my hands. I'm more than just gauche and cartoony; I'm the special-ed child of Jake Delhomme and Adrian Peterson eating a Butterfinger bar on New Years' Eve, which is probably the ball-droppiest of all the holidays. Now, let's couple this with the statement of a guy in my department who always insists that all cornerbacks are just really lousy wideouts, and you've got my answer. I like playing defensive back. I can't catch, but I love chasing and getting in the way of people who actually can. As the head of my research group told me before said game, "get out there and knock somebody over already." 

Remember kids: If your hat has three corners, it sure as heck ain't playing cover-2. 

*Those so inclined may make the "NOT Dez Bryant's mom" joke now. You know you want to. Get it out of your system. 

**Ironically enough, the real Road Warrior Animal's son actually plays for the Rams. For real, although I wouldn't want to play there either.

Scandal and Slander!

So it turns out that it surfaced just around draft time that several prospective draftees were asked thoroughly inappropriate questions during the combine and pre-draft interviews by the brass of several NFL teams. It's true - kids coming out of college and looking to be recruited by the pros are often asked rigorous, soul-searching questions about their backgrounds, character, philosophy, style of play, and so forth, but it was taken too far during draft week by Miami Dolphins' GM Jeff Ireland, who asked Olahoma State WR Dez Bryant (who was drafted #24 overall by the Cowboys), if his mother was a prostitute. (Miami Herald). Bryant later stated that he was "really mad." Yeah. If someone asked me something like that during a job interview, I'd gouge their eye out. Bryant's mom, Angela Bryant, was arrested for selling drugs many years ago, but is equally mad about the situation, and (for the record), is not a lady of ill repute. (USA Today)

Other dodgy questions that have arisen out of this year's little Q & A sessions at the scouting combine and beyond, listed in the order of increasing eye-gouginess:

A. Whether DT Gerald McCoy prefers to wear a G-string or a jockstrap when he plays (They apparently forgot "thong" as an option);

B. Whether DT Geno Atkins (later drafted by the Bengals) was straight or gay (Yahoo Sports; Isn't it illegal, or least highly frowned upon, to ask that?)

C. What it felt like for Florida State safety Myron Rolle (who left his team senior year to pursue a Rhodes scholarship) to "desert his team" (Since when is the pursuit of education considered treason?);

D. If Stanford's Toby Gerhart (drafted by the Vikings) felt "entitled" as a running back because of his race (the rest of us apparently are still surprised that there are white running backs).

***

There's a very interesting article over at Sports Illustrated today. A neuropsychologist from some national institute or another describes how the symptoms of frontal lobe trauma - such as that seen in accident victims and war veterans - almost exactly describe the behavioral issues that plague Ben Roethlisberger, who is now facing a six-game suspension for his inappropriate behavior (which, once we get past the Ken Starr-esque wordplay, may or may not have been sexual assault). (SI/CNN)

Head injury or head-case? Overentitled or underprotected? Source: Steelerstoday.com

Jordan Grafman (the scientist) wonders if said issues - ranging from "violations" of social rules to misinterpreting a person's intentions when it comes to intimacy - could be due to events such as motorcycle accidents and repeated concussions. According to the article, Roethlisberger is something of a professional jackass around Pittsburgh, where he's reportedly done everything from flirting with other men's wives to dining-and-dashing at local restaurants and throwing tequila on people* (sadly, I wish I was kidding). Similar violations of what is considered "polite" are also seen in persons with frontal lobe damage. Interesting stuff, although Dr (Mr.?) Grafman also wonders whether it's possible to disentangle these issues from those of a 20-something-year-old Super Bowl winner with a lot of dough and a serious entitlement complex, which, to us here at Second and One, honestly sounds like most of the Steelers. Things other Steelers have done within the past two years include: smoking lots of dope, public intoxication, public urination, harassing nightclub patrons,  beating the snot out of towel dispensers, posting pictures of their private parts on the internet, I could go on - if the SI article is true, someone please get these guys some new helmets!

***

In Bears news, legendary (now retired) running back Gale Sayers admitted, (essentially), that the Bears still suck. (Chicago Tribune) On Tuesday, Sayers took shots at everyone from Brian Urlacher to the Bears' front office. If I were Sayers, I don't think I would've maligned half the team, but the pot-shots at the Bears' upper management (whom our storekeeper Brian has described as "a bunch of people listening to Loony Tunes music while they make decisions") are probably well-merited. The funniest part about what Sayers said, actually, is reading the comments over at the Tribbie, where the most rabid of the Bears fans are currently tearing each other apart over whether or not Jay Cutler will throw less interceptions next year.

More to come in the next few days.

*Pardon my violation of the PG-13 rating, but it seems like "chew and screw" is literal in Big Ben's case.

Draft

Did anyone watch the draft this past weekend? I had the opening round on as ambient noise, from Commissioner Goodell's opening remarks, through the Giants and Jets fans going ballistic, to the Drew Brees cameo, while I fooled around in my house and played games on my computer. I didn't see the other six rounds, as one night I had to go to some kind of work function and the second night I was with a group of people who wanted to watch Avatar instead (which, despite looking silly in the previews, was actually a decent movie). I have had this entry written for about four days now, but a whole host of things at work caused me to neglect it. I was, however, sent a variety of e-mails and was reading various news sites all weekend, where I discovered that some very unexpected things happened in the 2010 draft.

What the...? The first, of course, is that Tim Tebow got drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos, whose "continually trade down" strategy seemed to confuse everyone. Of course, this climactic part of the draft came when I decided it would be a good idea to take a shower, so I was left standing there soaking wet trying to figure out what had just happened. Tim Tebow to the Broncos? Did I slip on the soap and hit my head? First of all, by drafting Tebow, I don't think the Broncos organization is showing the public that they have a lot of faith in Kyle Orton (or Brady Quinn for that matter) unless they plan to play Tebow off-position*, which seems extraordinarily unlikely. More concerning, I'm not sure Tebow's SEC-style is a good fit for the Broncos' offense, which seems to be built around short passes and trying to psych out the opponents' cornerbacks, or at least until the team totally collapses around mid-November. Nonetheless, some teams have made this work (albeit inconsistently) like the Titans, and I believe Vince Young's success last season raised Tebow's stock considerably, but more often these experiments fail hopelessly (see synonyms at "Tarvaris Jackson" and "JaMarcus Russell"). 

So Suh Me: The Lions, who have been attempting to rebuild their team since approximately the Eisenhower administration, drafted both Cal RB Jahvid Best and 307-lb Nebraska tackling machine Ndamukong Suh. Now, we here at Second and One just love people with funny names, and according to many sources, the name "Ndamukong," in some tribal language from Cameroon, means "House of Spears." Is there a cooler name for a defensive tackle than that? He might as well be called "Killer" or "I'll tear your ACL." Can you imagine this guy pounding Brett Favre or Jay Cutler into the grass? It's enough to give offensive linemen an instant stroke, if the 10 cheeseburgers they eat every day doesn't do that first. Additionally, the Lions drafted a cornerback and a defensive end, along with -wait for it- another wide receiver. 

Nevermind the obvious questions like "Is he a good fit for the Lions' defensive scheme?" or "how does he feel about living in Detroit?" - Does he really have a house of spears!? (Source: jetswit.com)

One of the great cognitive disconnects in football, to me, are the defensive backs whom, despite being total animals on the field, are the nicest guys you could possibly imagine when they're not playing football. Ndamukong Suh seems like this kind of guy. Nice and soft-spoken, and also donated several million dollars to his alma mater for a scholarship fund. How about Jonathan Vilma, who's a linebacker for the Saints, who donated tons of money to disaster relief in Haiti? Or Charles Tillman, who lobbies congress and the FDA to approve experimental heart treatments? Or my favorite, Troy Polamalu, who admits his favorite hobbies are spending time with his wife, playing the piano, and gardening? It's extremely hard to imagine someone who earns a paycheck by assaulting people for 60 minutes every Sunday coming home and re-potting begonias. 

What the...? Part 2: The Bears, in round 6, drafted Central Michigan University QB Dan LeFevour, who is best known for his MAC record-breaking run-and-gun style. Yes, read it again. The Bears had long talked about adding a veteran QB as Jay Cutler insurance, but absolutely nobody expected them to take a rookie. However, as a Bears fan, I'm rather excited about this prospect (and, if my comments were still functional, I'd probably be spammed into oblivion by pessimistic Bears fans). Here's why. 1. The Bears need QB depth. Period. Caleb Hanie hasn't taken a snap in who-knows how long and the team is one twisted ankle away of having Devin Hester try to throw the ball and run down the field to catch it. 2. I have actually seen LeFevour play several times (albeit, against my favorite college team), and the kid's really no slouch. He also started 51 straight games (an NCAA record), holds several conference passing yard records, lead the CMU Chippewas to 4 bowl games, and made my favorite college team's linebackers go absolutely insane chasing him around. Also, according to the buzzing Chicago media, LeFevour is actually a Bears fan. (chicagobreakingsports). Now, the Bears are known for having a collective draft IQ of like, four, but I actually would give them at least a B this year. They saw where talent was, and they went after it. Notable other pickups include free safety Major Wright (from Florida), defensive end Corey Wootten (Northwestern), and OT J'Marcus Webb (who is six-foot-eight, and is from West Texas A&M, wherever that is.)

And now, we conclude by listing the best, worst, and weirdest of 2010:

Best: By trading away picks, Seattle was able to acquire both former Titans power-back LenDale White and Jets RB Leon Washington. This is extremely good for the mediocre Seahawks, who are so poor at rushing (26th last season!) that I can't even name a starting running back (and I'm generally pretty good at naming the starters for many positions - even kickers.)** 

The Jaguars also play in the lamely-named Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. "Municipal Stadium?" What the heck is this, the city power plant? (Source: football.ballparks.com)

Worst: The Jacksonville Jaguars, who are suffering at QB, drafted defensive lineman Tyson Alualu (Cal) in the first round, and followed with four other defensive backs. Wouldn't it make more sense for the Jags to have taken Tim Tebow, who went to a city where there are now more quarterbacks than air molecules, and, who Second and One dryly notes, is actually from Jacksonville? The Jaguars are currently one of the weakest markets in the NFL. They sold only around 74% of their seats last year, prompting the largest profit loss of 09 and all of this talk about moving the team to Los Angeles. (ticketnews.com) Wouldn't it make sense, both morally and economically, for the Jaguars to have drafted someone who could guarantee that they'd sell out the stadium every game? 

Weirdest: The San Francisco 49ers were ranked 22nd in passing last season and a mediocre 18th in ability to score. Wouldn't it make sense to draft a quarterback? Yet, the 49ers drafted three defenders, two offensive linemen, and a tight end who admits he likes hitting people until they bleed.(sfgate.com) While this is great for a team that wants to become more physical, who are these big boys protecting? Alex Smith, who had a worse QB rating last year than both David Garrard and Vince Young, if that's possible. Wouldn't it make more sense to draft a young gunslinger?

Anyway, this concludes most of what I wanted to say about the draft. I'll hopefully be able to resume more frequent posting.

*WR? TE? Team Chaplain?

**Theirs is Olindo Mare, and no, I did not just cheat and look that up.

...April Madness?

First, the housekeeping news. The spamming/porn-bombing failed to cease after my last threat note on this. In fact, it seems to have increased exponentially. Therefore, I have permanently hidden the comments section. Sorry to anyone this might inconvenience.

Now, onto the sports! First, I was tenth in my bracket pool this year (out of 15). All in all a rather lackluster finish, even in a year where everyone flunked at brackets. Congrats to the boys over at Duke on their win. I love these "Cinderella stories," so I was rooting for Butler (and watching every youtube video that consisted of concentrated anti-Duke rhetoric, which in turn consisted of mostly invoking Godwin's Law on Duke's Coach, whose last name has two vowels and approximately seventeen consonants. But I digress). Alas, the bulldogs were outplayed (especially with regard to shooting field goals), despite their sheer ability to hang in there. I suppose the good thing about this is that a (comparatively) microscopic school like Butler gets more exposure. According to Wikipedia, Butler was founded originally as a Christian college by Ovid Butler, an abolitionist lawyer. They're a private liberal arts college of about 4,000 students, located approximately six miles outside of Indianapolis.(Wikipedia) Huh. Who knew? 

In other news, the Rams released QB Marc Bulger yesterday, leading to an increase in the Sam Bradford Draft Rumors, and if not, leaving Kyle Boller to steer St. Louis' ship o' suckage for a while (ESPN). Several other teams, including the Steelers and Bears, have expressed interest in Bulger as possible "Quarterback Insurance," which would not be a bad idea for either team if we're operating under the principle that if one's shiny sports car breaks down you can always start up the beater in the garage.   

If anyone who may be reading hasn't heard, Donovan McNabb, who has been the face of the Eagles since, uh, erm, I can remember, has been traded to the Washington Redskins for one draft pick this year and one next year. Ok. Close your eyes and picture this. Poor Donny McNabb on the same team as Rex Grossman, a porous offensive line, and the people whom, last season, engineered some of the world's worst and most absurd trick plays. I don't know what's going to be more hilarious to watch in the coming year: the Redskins or Capitol Hill. The Eagles now have Kevin Kolb (and Michael Vick) at the helm, and the fantasy stock of Kolb's unquestioned favorite target - TE Brent "Scores Six Frajillion Points The Moment You Bench Him" Celek - just went through the ceiling and onto the roof.

I'm sorry. I can see Shanahan dressed as a clown, Andy Reid in an evening gown, and both of them getting married in the gazebo in this picture before I can see McNabb in anyone's colors except Philly's. Source: Sports.popcrunch.com

Finally, Cleveland Browns' nose tackle Shaun Rogers is facing concealed weapons charges for trying to bring a loaded gun onto an airplane (ESPN, AP). Rogers claims he is innocent, and that he "did not know the gun was in his bag." For ordinary people, I might say this is a load of beans (as in, you generally know if you have your gun or not, people!) but for Rogers, this actually might fly (no pun intended.) Shaun Rogers, who is 350 lbs and topped out at approximately 390 when he played for Detroit, likely needs a suitcase the size of a bus to accommodate his pads, clothing, and enough food to feed a small city. It seems a game of Where's Waldo would likely be easier than even finding a gun in all of that!

That's all for now. What is it, three weeks until draft day?

March Madness 2010

I can finally write a comprehensive entry! Things are humming along smoothly at work now that my magnum opus article has been submitted for review.

So it's official. With Syracuse blowing it against Butler last night, my bracket (which looked to be a pretty good one) is now simply a collection of teams who've lost. The fruits of my failed labor can be seen here, along with a bunch of people I went to grad school with, if you're so inclined. Warning: we really suck at basketball stuff!

Speaking of such matters, there was a story about a 17-year old autistic teenager in Chicago who apparently had a perfect bracket through the first and second rounds of the tournament (NBC Chicago). As he picked 'Cuse to win, however, now apparently nobody in the country has a perfect record. At least this kid still has a B+ in bracketology while the rest of us are wearing a collective dunce cap. 2010's tournament insanity (which my friend Eric, football fan and avid reader, firmly declares happens "every three years or so") has caused me to add a new term to my list of definitions for various stroke-inducing games in the Bouncy Bouncy Sport: a Bracket Buster. 

Will #4 Purdue vs. another #1 seed be like Moulin Rouge, where the ideals of Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love dictate that the Duke loses at the end? Source: someone's flickr account I found on Google. Nice picture, don't sue me even though the pun was bad, k?

A bracket buster is any game that fits the definition of a sniper kill, but where the disparity in seeding is especially dramatic. Generally, one of these games involves a #1 or 2 seed that everyone picked to make the Final Four being smoked by someone seeded below #5. Kansas losing to #9 Northern Iowa in the second round this year is a Bracket Buster. St. Mary's (#10) shooting down #2 Villanova would also qualify. If you've put a lot of money on a Bracket Buster game only to see the Busted team get subsequently smashed through the floor, odds are you've probably gone ballistic and will soon be appearing in a very different kind of court. 

***

Moving from the court onto the field, everyone's heard the news: LT is now a jet after their bizarre release of Thomas Jones, and the Bears acquired Chester Taylor, Julius Peppers, That Safety From the Colts, and That Tight End Whose Last Name I Can't Pronounce, leading to rumors that OC Mike Martz wants to trade Greg Olsen for a high draft pick, which is arguably the dumbest trade ever, because you don't know what the draft's going to be like and the team needs everyone they've got to act as a receiver. Mike Martz, if you read this: Trading Olsen for anyone is like trading a computer for a bag of sand. You can't really do anything with sand, but you can clobber someone on the head with it if they do something stupid. Additionally, rumors are swirling around the the Eagles are interested in trading Donovan McNabb, who would like to play for the Vikings. (NFL.com) Of course, nobody knows what Brett Favre is doing, which complicates the equation as usual. And then we've got Brady Quinn being traded to the Broncos (dumb), the Browns signing Jake Delhomme (dumber), and the Bears cutting CB Nathan Vasher - only after giving him a huge roster bonus (dumbest) - what is this, the NFL equivalent of a severance package?

And then there are the new postseason overtime rules! (Chicago Tribune) The NFL voted earlier this week to change the rules so that, in the playoffs, if a game goes to overtime, that the receiving team must score a touchdown in order to win - no kicking for three, and none of these not-shanking sinks the ship shenanigans. Of course, if a team fails to score and is forced to punt, or turns the ball over somehow, the opponent can still win with a field goal. Most teams are in support of the new rules. Up next on the NFL's legislative block: Alliterations in football blogs: clever commentary, or groan-inducing gimmicks?

And then there's Ben Roethlisberger. According to the sports buzz, there are allegations Big Ben assaulted a woman at a Georgia nightclub. Now it's turned into a huge scandal of sex, lies, and (apparently) videotape. (ESPN) Some wonder how much trouble this is actually causing for the Steelers, who have signed backup QB Charlie Batch to a 2-year extension, and it's raising a lot of questions about what exactly happened (ie, an actual incident vs. someone out for money vs. hearsay vs. he said-she said vs. some massive conspiracy involving the League Commissioner, etc). Of course, I wasn't there, and I'm not Roethlisberger/the plaintiff/a lawyer on this case, so I'll maintain neutrality, just like I do in politics, where I sit and listen to both sides of the story and, after feebly offering my opinion, eventually argue that because I'm not a member of congress, I should not be forced to debate healthcare reform or immigration or whether or not college football should be on a playoff system. 

I conclude this with a personal anecdote. Because of parking difficulties at the Large University Where I Work, I had to park in some obscene place earlier this week (on March 24th), and walk to work. Upon walking home at 5:30 PM past the practice fields, I observed the football team, dressed in their finest display of our school colors, literally kicking off spring practice as they booted field goals and extra points through the uprights. Folks: only about 5 months until we kick off for real, and only 27 days until the draft!

Housekeeping, etc.

First, I've come to say that 2ndand1 isn't dead. I've been meaning to write an actual entry for days now, but various work-related craziness has prevented it. So. I'll try and update at least once every ten days about offseason trades, draft/combine business, and March Madness. First...

a) How 'bout them Saints, eh?

b) Show of hands: did anyone's bracket(s) get completely screwed yesterday by Georgetown, Marquette, Vandy, combinations thereof, or all three? Does anyone have bets that Purdue will continue the trend of making everyone really grumpy?

c) This is a bit of a problem around here. Please, please, please do NOT spam in the comments or post links to pornographic websites. Please try and limit your discussions to sports and sports-related topics if at all possible. This is a family- and work-friendly (rated PG-13 or below) blog, and this material is highly inappropriate. I will have to make comments private if the porn-bombing continues.