So Here's What's Going On.

I need to, first, apologize.

It's been about ten days since I last updated this thing, and, considering the Big One is upon us again, that's, well, pretty awful.

The truth is, I'm not sure where this site is going. People aren't quite sure how to react to it. I've gotten every criticism to "tl;dr" to "too analytical" and every praise from "nice poetry" to "syndicate this $#%&."

The truth is, I'm not sure how much time I even have to figure out where Second and One is going, if anywhere. I have been working between 9 and 12 hours per day for the last three weeks. This isn't likely to change any time soon. I haven't read much about football for more than five minutes, and haven't read anything longer than about five sentences. I don't know who's been hired, fired; what's contested, who got arrested - I couldn't put together a coherent post if someone handed me a template, and even then it would probably end up coming out like the Patriots' eventually ill-fated playbook: flying in every direction, with no way to stop it.

So, I'm going to say for now that Second and One is going to take a vacation, and a pretty long one at that. As far as I can foresee, this is the end of regular updating. I'm fading off into the swirling vortex of the Internet. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I don't really care who wins the Super Bowl, to be perfectly honest. Feel free to unfollow if you really want. There will probably be sporadic updates here and there as I feel like it - I'm just posting this message so I don't have to feel guilty in the early hours of the morning about not posting.

Thanks to everyone who reads.

And have a good and safe time this weekend, no matter who you're rooting for.

MC

This is not a good week.

First, I have to apologize for the sore lack of updating around here. I seem to have completely forgotten that this blog exists, neglecting it in a corner just days after Second and One's second anniversary. I'm so busy now: in addition to having to do chemistry, I have to teach it as well.

Truth be told, the NFC Championship game, as respectably as it ended for both teams, doesn't make me feel very good. Not because the Bears lost to a good team, but because of how much anti-Bears invective has been swirling around. Not just now, but all season long. Who cares of they honked out in the preseason? Who cares how sloppily they played at times? They still beat some tough rivals and lost by only seven in the NFC Championship game, and I think the hate needs to stop at the door of the postseason, especially for a team that got further than the Patriots. So, time for me to put this into pictorial form, lest I go into a Long, Persecuted Bears Fan rant. Inspired by a similar game for the Indianapolis Colts, it's...Bears Hate Bingo!

Nonetheless, despite the disappointing outcome, it was nice to see that the Bears aren't total toast at the QB position, and it was nice to see Brian Urlacher and Matt Forte absolutely play their hearts out. Thanks for the memories, Bears. It was a long, nauseatingly up-and-down but wildly pleasant season with an anticlimactic whimper of an ending.

Even after that, I still love you guys; I always will.

An Ode to The Wild Cards, Part One

Ten points up, the game was boring

The Saints played like noone was there

But the Who Dats caved to Carlson's scoring

And looked as if they tackled air

The Saints' backfield, so far eroded

The line false-started from the noise

I think Sean Payton's head exploded

As joyous Carroll praised his boys

A breakout run, poor kick onside

Some lousy calls to twist the knife

Upon this hurl-inducing ride

Both teams were clinging for their life

New Orleans eventually lost the battle

At thirty-six to forty-one

At eight and nine now comes Seattle

Ready to spoil Atlanta's run

In the AFC, the hate was breeding

Tempers surging, flames-a-fanning;

The Colts were trying to stop the bleeding

And Ryan wished to knock off Manning

Ol' Rex shouted, Sanchez tried,

LT had some epic runs

But Peyton would not be denied,

And it appeared as if the Colts had won

The home crowed cheered, the field goal boomed

V, for victory, and Vinatieri

But fifty ominous seconds loomed

(And would you trust Indy's secondary?)

And so the clock announced the hour

But premature celebration begets

Collapses of the highest power

And victoriously emerged the Jets

Yet fortune favors strong, not meek;

Both winners shall be nixed next week.

I'm pretty busy, but Part II will come later.

Bowl Games!!!

Wow. What an absolutely abysmal performance by the Big Ten Et Al. today. Wisconsin showed poor clock management, Penn State threw a backbreaking interception and handed the contest to Florida. Northwestern rallied too late. Michigan schools were outscored 101-21 in bowl games. None looked worse than MSU. #9 showed up wanting a pound of Nick Saban's flesh. They also showed up with the Bears' O-line from the Giants game, the Texans' secondary, the defensive front from Denver, a QB lofting passes about like a second-grade girl whose primary interest is her Barbies, and an overall air of frustrated, "why-is-the-tight-end-fifty-yards-downfield"- desperation.

(My boyfriend and I wrote this description together.)

Happy New Year!!

Happy 2011! I hope everyone's enjoying the college bowls and the last week of NFL before the playoffs. I thought I'd do something different this year, and remember 2010 in the form of some funny football quotes. Without further ado: Second and One's Funniest Football Quotes of 2010, collected from around the Internet (and one from real life).

10. "Unless that's Frank Caliendo doing Brett Favre, his wife is probably going to make off with half of his crap." - Brian, our stockroom attendant, on Brett Favre's voice mails to Jenn Sterger.

9. "[Lance Briggs is] Vick's Vaporizer." -Tim Souers of Cubby Blue on Bears vs Eagles.

8. "[MSU TE] Charlie Gantt could have moonwalked those final 10 yards and still scored untouched." - Awful Announcing's Brady Green, responding to Lou Holtz's assumption that Notre Dame had MSU's infamous "Little Giants" play - which gave Mark Dantonio a heart attack - "well defended."

7. "The Book of Revelation predicts that a beast with seven heads and 10 horns, four horsemen on colored horses and a Houston series win over Indianapolis will be the signs of the approaching Last Judgment." - Gregg Easterbrook, on the Colts' real clunker of a season opener.

6. "Topeka, Kansas has high schools of both Trojan, (Topeka High) and Seaman Academy. Therefore every year we have to suffer through headlines in the Capitol Journal of "Seaman Breaks Through Trojan Defense." It's like they think it's some kind of inside joke." - Random message board commentator on the world's worst sports team nicknames.

5. "Somewhere over the Dwayne Bowe" - Chris "Boomer" Berman, on a touchdown by KC WR Dwayne Bowe.

4. "I think this guy's a neo-Nazi." - Glenn Beck, upon seeing a picture of Brian Urlacher.

3. "Ranked 32nd against the pass after last week's epic collapse against the Jets, they should call the Texans' defensive backfield Room Service Breakfast -- five pieces of really expensive toast." - David Fleming, re: Houston's terrible secondary.

2. "No, I want to say f*** you. And I mean that in the most professional way." Denver WR Brandon Lloyd, upon asking if the newly-minted Pro Bowler had any messages for previous teams who let him go.

1. "Must've been Bill Belichick running the video camera." Fantasy CPR, on foot-fetish videos involving Jets coach Rex Ryan's wife, Michelle.

More to come later.

A Thriller in the Chiller!

Also known as "MC and Dad's Annual Bears-Related Heart Attack." 

I will never stop saying this. It happens every year. I come home for Christmas, plop myself in our den/TV room wearing all sorts of Bears gear (this year, a brand new Bears hoodie that I got as a Christmas gift over my Devin Hester jersey), and the game we watch damn near kills us. Sometimes, it gets so bad, that I think my mom and sister leave the house/move to a distant part of it intentionally so that they don't need to hear my dad and I going utterly ballistic for three hours.

Ok. So here's what was so logic-defying about this game. We've got the #8 defense in the league (Bears) meeting the #5 defense in the league (Jets). Put these two teams out in extreme cold and snow and make them play on turf that's probably worse than frosted kitty litter. And what do you get?

A 38-34 shootout, of course! I thought it would be a Bears blowout when the Bears scored 10 points easily. Then I thought it would be a Jets blowout when the Jets scored 24 in the second quarter and the Bears looked like they couldn't remember if they put their underwear on backwards or not. The Bears went into the locker room down by seven. And then came the third quarter, a scoring frenzy of positively epic proportions in which the Bears staged a furious comeback and Jay Cutler threw three touchdowns in like, eight minutes and positively hung the Jets' secondary out to dry. 

It was like they took uppers at halftime, or entered a barbarian-esque berserker phase, or sold their souls, or borrowed the Scoring Machine from the University of Oregon or maybe the Saints. It was like watching someone who is really good at Madden 11 beat someone who is abysmal at the same game. I've never seen anything quite like it. The Bears' offense under Mike Martz has been struggling to find an identity all year as Martz has been experimenting with the playbook (sometimes with disastrous results), but I like the recent incarnations, in which the Bears' prime goal is to score in a manner as quickly and precisely as possible. Cutler was great, Knox was sensational, Hester was magical, Forte was tough as nails, Olsen threw some tremendous blocks, and the O-line even held pretty well. 

The Bears have now scored 78 points in two games in which the defenses ran circles around themselves trying to contain Cutler and Crew. Had Robbie Gould not missed his field goal, it would've been the first time the Bears have posted back-to-back 40-pointers since 1948. I call this the "Bat-out-of-Hell" offense. Here's a picture of what the Bears' offense looked like yesterday.

All we need now are a couple of 5'9" receivers and for Lovie Smith to cut the sleeves off his sweatshirts. Source: Getty images, Mike Zarrilli.

By contrast, here's a picture of what the Bears' defense looked like yesterday for most of the game.

Where "you" equals "giving up a gerjillion yards against the slant by playing ten yards off the ball. 

Until the end, of course. The fourth quarter was one of those quarters that was such a nail-biter that I nearly chewed off the first digits of several fingers. I'll skip past a couple of the intermediaries and cut to the positively stunning conclusion. Mark Sanchez had the ball with about a buck left on the clock, no timeouts, and the Bears jumped offsides. He found what he thought was a wide-open Santonio Holmes streaking down the sidelines, but at the last minute, Chicago safety Chris Harris flew in front of him to make the game-icing interception. 

Ok. 11-4, folks. I'm generally a pretty big Bears skeptic, but I'm starting to believe in this Martz-Cutler chemistry stuff, and a picture of the two of them now serves as the background of my iPhone. 

And here are a few other observations from yesterday.

Best Way to Get Into the Playoffs: Even though the Jest, erm, Jets lost yesterday, Jacksonville lost in overtime and sent the Jets to the postseason again anyway! They were allegedly cheering in the post-game press-conference when they heard the Jaguars blew it. Ok. I don't understand how the tiebreaker system works. I understand a lot of things about football, but I don't understand this complicated equation involving strength of victory and schedule difficulty and who beat whose division rival. Truth be told, my actual desire to know about how playoff seeding works is on par with the desire to ask Rex Ryan for a foot massage.

Worst Way to Get Knocked Out of The Playoffs: The St. Louis Rams finally pounded any postseason hopes out of utterly dysfunctional San Francisco 49ers. As a result, eccentric coach Mike Singletary was shown the door approximately thirty seconds after the game. A defensive coach with a funny name that I don't remember takes over as interim. So not only do the 49ers look ridiculous in the way they've played, but the brass of the organization looks equally ridiculous in firing the coach in week 15 out of 16. 

Worst Way to Get Literally Knocked Out of the Playoffs: During the Chiefs' stomping of the sleepwalking Titans, Tennessee QB Kerry Collins faced heavy pressure and threw the ball away, where it sailed to the sidelines and hit his own defensive end (William Hayes) in the head and knocked him out of the game with a concussion. (NFL.com) Head coach Jeff Fisher uttered my sentiment exactly, italics mine; "That's kind of how the game went." I kind of want to make a video mashup of the Titans' 2010 miscues and bloopers and dub Yakety Sax over it. I'd bet Colts and Jaguars fans would love it. 

Most Absurd Collapses: Remember when I said that historically, the Chargers are unstoppable in December, and the Cowboys are usually the absolute nadir of suckitude in December? Well, I retract that because they've both been awful this December. Exhibit A: The Chargers, who handed the AFC West title to Kansas City by being torched by the 3-11 Bengals (sans Owens and Ochocinco on top of it), and Exhibit B: the Cowboys, who lost by a single point to Arizona and reportedly made Jerry Jones' head pop like a giant zit.

December Capitalism! Chargers tickets are about $200. From Amazon.com, you can get these Chargers cufflinks for about $50. They look very pretty, but do not give them to your little kids - they're a choking hazard!

To come in the next several days: Second and One's Top Ten hilarious football quotes of 2010.

The Bronze Medal...

I can't believe it. We actually DO have a third-place winner for the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award. This award, given in mid-to-late December to the college football program that engages in the most unscrupulous activities prior to a bowl appearance, has already occupied its first and second place spots. The third-place spot goes to...

The Ohio State University Buckeyes!

Five Ohio State football players, although not suspended for the upcoming Sugar Bowl, are required to sit out the first five games in 2011 for selling their Big 10 championship rings, jerseys, awards, and miscellaneous tOSU memorabilia, along with accepting "improper benefits". The strangest part of the latter allegations? That the five players, including star QB Terrelle Pryor and four others, traded such goods (and who knows what else) for tattoos at a local tattoo parlor. (ESPN) Pryor insists that he paid for his tattoo(s) fair and square. Fans aren't entirely sure they believe him after it was revealed that even he sold special trinkets given to players as part of a ritual following a defeat of archival Michigan (no doubt twisting the knickers of a few sanctimonious Buckeye purists). As punishment, Pryor et al. are required to pay to charity a sum of money equivalent to that which they received for selling their items.

Join Ohio State's Touchdowns for Tattoos Program!

We give these guys third place because, fundamentally, selling your championship ring isn't really all that bad when compared to the druggies and sex offenders in the first two spots. 

***

There is a great article at Sports Illustrated today about the 32 worst (ie, saddest, gut-punchiest, heart-attackiest) game endings in the history of sports. Everything is covered from boxing to horse-racing. Last Sunday's "Miracle at the New Meadowlands" - in which the Giants blew a 21-point lead at home in seven minutes, failed to anticipate an onside kick, allowed an electrifying kickoff return for the winning touchdown, possibly knocked themselves out of the division title, and then blamed the whole sour mess on the punter - made #8. 

Time for some December Capitalism! Giants tickets? $150. Giants golf balls? $9.95. Getting to see the Giants whacked hard either way? Priceless. 

***

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a tacky Christmas sweater party. My friend John showed up dressed as Santa to distribute candy and small gifts to everyone - it's kind of tradition in my department, where everyone sits in his lap and tells him what they want for Christmas. I told him all I wanted was for the Bears to make the playoffs. And now, if the real Santa may read this in the next 12 hours or so - can we send Da Bears to the Big One?

Merry Christmas everyone. 

And Now, A Few Thoughts on Bears-Vikes

I would have posted this yesterday, but I have returned home to my parents' house for the holidays, and most of Tuesday was spent waiting in airports for delayed flights. 

Here's a nice summary of the Bears' 40-14 romp over the Vikings. All pictures are from the AP (as in the news service, not Adrian Peterson), and the Chicago Tribune. 

I'm not going to lie. Considering the Bears got roasted like chestnuts the last time they played in a snow-globe, I was nervous as heck about this game, sitting in my boyfriend's apartment eating all sorts of cookies to steady my nerves.

And then, after the Vikings scored, came the sack heard around the world. Six-foot-six (and 270 lb) defensive end Corey Wootton may have very well ended Brett Favre's career last night with his first sack.

And from then on, it was pretty much all Bears. To quote the late Don Meredith: turn out the lights, the party's over.

Other than throwing a bogus interception after getting hit so hard he needed three stitches to his chin, Jay Cutler was terrific, throwing three touchdowns and completing passes to seven different receivers, including guys we haven't seen for a while, like Rashied Davis (nice to see you again, Rashied!).

Also: I have an idea. Since the NFL likes penalizing people for ridiculous things from "excessive celebration" to "disconcerting signals," and likes fining people for even dumber things, how about we fine any team that gets utterly torched by punting/kicking to Devin Hester? The penalty: sheer stupidity.

Of course, we can't neglect the defense. The Monsters of The Midway not only knocked Favre from the game, but had five turnovers, four sacks, three more QB hits, two batted balls, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10-4. See y'all in the playoffs, folks. 

And We Have A Second Place Winner!

I thought we were done with unsportsmanlike conduct until I read the news!

The Second Place winner for the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award, given to the college football team most sullied by scandal prior to a postseason appearance is...

The Boise State Broncos!

Come on. Everybody knew that the charmed Broncos were headed toward a cliff. It started when BSU kicker Kyle Brotzman missed two field goals in overtime against Nevada, knocking BSU out of contention for the National Title (moot point, with Oregon/Auburn winning anyway) or any BCS bowl, thus potentially costing the school millions in revenue from merchandising and TV deals. If the shanked kicks weren't enough, some angry fans (in a stunning display of classlessness) harassed Brotzman - even making threats on his life - on various social media websites. BSU is now headed to the MAACO Bowl, whatever the heck that is, to play Utah.

Boise State plays here! Sweet! No, wait, that would be the NECCO Bowl. Apologies.

But it gets worse. A freshman wide receiver for Boise is facing sex crime allegations for some incredibly unsavory things he did in high school. Along with an Idaho State freshman and some other player at a minor school in Montana, BSU's Anthony Clarke is facing allegations of involvement in sexual hazing, in which members of the high school's boys' basketball team were beaten, restrained, and violated. (NSFW details c/o Reuters). This is seriously not funny*, folks, especially now that more victims are coming forward and BSU's bowl game is in four days.

Who will win the third place award? We've already had sex and drugs: is rock-n-roll coming up?

Also: I will be incommunicado for the next 3-4 days; I am traveling home for the Holidays.

*Ok. So this award is for comedy purposes. Maybe we all get a little Schadenfreude from watching a powerhouse get shafted. Maybe my brain brain did turn off when the phrases "tight end" and "forcibly penetrated" were used in close proximity in the above article. Sexual assault still isn't funny, no matter the context. Ergo, the disclaimer.

Drumroll, Please:

...It's time to announce the winner of the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award! This award, also known as the Tennessee Titans Trophy, is awarded to the college football team that suffers the biggest utter collapse of team morals - and subsequently, team morale - after earning a bowl bid. The dubious honor went last year to the Michigan State Spartans, who suspended at least a dozen football players for their role in a brawl at a fraternity party before the Valero Alamo Bowl.  

This year's winner: the University of Iowa Hawkeyes!

Just days after the announcement that the Hawkeyes will play Missouri in the Insight Bowl, star wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was arrested on multiple drug-related charges, including unlawful possession of multiple prescription drugs, possession of controlled substances, and running a drug house. Johnson-Koulianos admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine. Additionally, Iowa's athletic program admitted today that there are "serious flaws" in the way they test their student-athletes for drug use and believes multiple people have been finding ways to buck the system. As if things can't get worse, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended from participating in Iowa's bowl game due to an unspecified violation of team rules. The second-stringer, sophomore Jewel Hampton, has transferred out of the program, and another running back, Brandon Wegher, has requested a transfer as well, leaving Ferentz to start true freshman Marcus Coker for the bowl game. Marcus Coker. Is there a greater name for a guy at a school with an apparent drug problem than that?!

These goofy characters are: (a) from a Dr. Seuss book; (b) Adam Robinson and Derrell Johnson-Koulianos; (c) the New Big 10 Divisions?

Speaking of messes in the Big Ten Et Al., the gerrymandering of the conference into divisions is complete, now with ridiculous re-branding. The two divisions will be named "Legends" and "Leaders", according to the BigTelevenTwelve Official Website. These names are silly. See, it's not hard to come up with names for divisions, but the heads of the conference have completely whiffed this one, and whiffing at naming things is like losing a fewest-interception contest to Carson Palmer. Here, in my opinion, are twenty division names which sound better than "Legends" and "Leaders," and I didn't even need two weeks in a boardroom to come up with them!

East and West

Right and Left

One and Two

Blue and Red

A and B

Brain and Heart

Wisdom and Courage

Gin and Tonic

Prose and Poetry

Punch and Judy

Harold and Maude

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Divide and Conquer

Your Dad and My Dad

Starsky and Hutch

Booze and Drugs (Iowa leads the latter, MSU the former)

Watson and Holmes

Toilet and Bidet

Liberals and Conservatives

The Division with Nebraska and the Division Without Nebraska

More to come later.

Lots of Things

Let's see. We've got so much in the news these days. We've got the Saints and Patriots who are making the scoreboard spin, the Big 10 et al's horrible new logo, the choke-tastic Jets, the entire AFC South being garbage, Cam Newton winning the Heisman, Albert Haynesworth getting suspended for refusing to play in any defensive scheme that the Redskins could possibly dream up, the Fighting Nucleophiles winning three straight, my boyfriend shooting the television with a nerf gun whenever the Lions found themselves on the slamming end of a bogus call, and something about a quarterback problem in Cincinnati, but this is all just talk. My favorite piece of news from the past week: the collapse of the Metrodome. If it hasn't been jammed down your throat a million times, the roof of the Metrodome caved in because of a heavy snowstorm that whomped the entire Midwest. Not only is it amazing video, but it happens to be a ridiculously apropos metaphor for the Vikings' entire season! Check it out!

Futility!

The news breaks now that, amid a flurry of midseason coaching turnover, the Denver Broncos have booted out Josh McDaniels after approximately 1.75 seasons, citing both his abysmal record and allegations of cheating by videotaping the San Francisco 49ers at practice. (ESPN/AP). My comment on this is that at least Bill Belichick videotaped someone actually good at football.  

My mass spectroscopist and I (doing our usual routine of Monday morning quarterbacking) got into a discussion of which Coach is next on the hot seat. My vote: Jeff Fisher of the Titans. We hate to make fun of the Titans too much, but if you're 5-7, you haven't scored a touchdown in 13 quarters (and don't appear to be making progress on locating this "end zone," whatever that is), your team has legal and psychological issues, your defensive backfield has more punchouts than Manny Pacquiao, your quarterback is a nutcase, and Randy Moss can't even fix the problem, you're probably pretty well shafted.

Runner up: Marvin Lewis of the now historically awful Cincinnati Bengals, who suffer from whatever syndrome the Detroit Lions have which causes them to play for 48 minutes only (and additionally from whatever disease the Vikings have, which makes them awesome on paper but stinky trash in real life.)

Speaking of Detroit, the Bears are now 9-3 and I couldn't be happier. I'm hoping that the Bears meet the Saints in the playoffs (wild-card, anyone?), so that I can watch this game with my friend Catherine (occasional reader and Saints fan extraordinaire) - with me in Devin Hester's #23 and her in Drew Brees' #9. 

A Funny!

I'm unusually busy today, but this graph I made captures exactly what happens when we play fantasy football.

The Second and One Christmas Party

Imagine this. 

We love ridiculous allegories around here, so now that it's the holiday season, let's assume that the NFL is one giant Christmas party. So who plays whom (or what) in this ragtag cast of characters that shows up at your apartment on a Friday night?

Brad Childress is like the turkey leftovers you find in the back of the fridge at some point during the first week of the month - You throw them out with a disturbing sense of alacrity as not to offend your guests.

The Dallas Cowboys are a nice, pretty Christmas present with nice, pretty wrapping paper. Always getting torn apart in December. 

The Chicago Bears are Santa Claus. He shows up to your party late, and everybody suddenly believes. How about those two safeties 20 yards deep, huh?

You're welcome, Eagles Fans. Source: Jose Osorio, Chicago Tribune

The San Diego Chargers are the Christmas Tree. Everyone oohs and aahs over how beautiful it is now, but everyone also knows that it'll get tossed out into the backyard come January. 

Halfway through the party, Vince Young walks out angrily and claims that he's not quitting on the party, he's just quitting on the host. 

Josh McDaniels is the obnoxious person who is videotaping the entire thing. Bill Belichick was the same person a couple of years ago - now he's just the guy who sits in the corner and never smiles because he thinks too much rum will make him sick.

Speaking of the rum, we'll have to give this distinction to the Pittsburgh Steelers. A bad encounter with them, and you're hammered.

"Yeah, Yeah. I'm going to be at your place a little late. I have a secondary to score on first." Source: chiefstailgate.net.

Dwayne Bowe is the star of the event, whom everyone wants a chance to talk to and catch up with. Hands down.

You know what happens when you invite a bunch of people over, who just cause mischief, run around, and knock over everything? Those people are the New Orleans Saints.

Brett Favre is the wheezy old guy whom nobody's seen in a while - but you invite him because you feel sorry for him. He wants to show you some pictures - everyone politely declines. 

The Detroit Lions are tacky sweaters. You're sure to see them one at least day a year - and they're still revolting.

Note to all: If you try this punch at my house, I will kick you out too. Source: David J. Philip, Associated Press.

Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan, are, of course, the punch. 

The Cincinnati Bengals are the fruitcake. They look pretty in theory, but then they get passed around, everyone has a bite, and the rest goes into the trash.

Derek Anderson has a major meltdown in the middle of the night as well, and walks out shortly after Vince Young does. 

Aye. Caramba!

The Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One) are what happens when someone (most notably, Tom Brady) knocks over a candle and burns the whole place down. Seven touchdowns between my receivers this week. (Psst, I'm on the left). Lordy, call the fire department!

My turn

The Big Ten - A Poem

They beat each other, beat themselves

The Big Ten (Eleven? Is it twelve?)

Sorting out their situation

Needs poetic ministrations

Minnesota gets no liking

Playing lousy like the Vikings

The Gophers showed no rhyme or reason

And Brewster got the boot midseason

The Illini started in a rut

But halfway through, they just went nuts

The BCS now has a glitch

Buckeyes, Hawkeyes, which one's which?

Purdue embodies monstrous fail

By choking on an epic scale

Injuries have stopped them cold

Just like the Colts in black and gold

They could have made a bowl run, too!

But blew their lead to MSU

With one loss only - there to stay

Is Sparty going all the way?

IU just could not remember

That football started in September

Or August, but that doesn't matter

Crimson, creamed; they're stomped and scattered

The Wolverines are made to thrill

They score enough to claim some kills

Yet if out-gunned, it all turns hairy

What happened to their secondary?

Northwestern, Penn State, both together

Futile, fickle, like the weather

One worries about Wrigley's fences

The other, 'bout their coach's senses

Wisconsin only has one mission

Humiliate the whole division

A bowl berth they will surely clinch

By scoring eighty on Bill Lynch

Blowouts, beatdowns, might, and moxie, 

A carousel of loss-by-proxy

Though all these teams will get served lunch

Soon as Nebraska joins this bunch!

The Amusing Announcing Compendium!

Ok.

I'll admit it.

I am a delinquent blogger. For anyone who still reads this thing: I'm sorry. Things are so busy at work that there's not much else that I can pay attention to. Alas, it is November, and I realize that without a comprehensive update in weeks now, there is a lot of paper sitting around. I've essentially taken to writing down notes on everything during games. My note-pad normally used for chemistry ideas is full of scribbles; backs of envelopes, bill-pay stubs, receipts - nothing has been left unsullied. I also notice that most of it is of the amusing announcing variety. Ergo, I present Second and One's First Annual Amusing Announcing Compendium! (And a Bunch of Other Stuff).

During the Eagles-Redskins Game (the first, not the absolute blood-sport that was this past Monday's game), Eagles fullback Owen Schmitt made some kind of big play. I don't remember what this was because my notes are illegible. Maybe he scored. Maybe he sprung Michael Vick. Maybe he took off his pants and danced around the goalpost. Regardless, whatever he did made an announcer exclaim "Holy Schmitt!"How awesome is it to have a name that doubles as a minced oath (think Meet the Fockers)? Ok, maybe it's terrible.

Truly Special Special Teams: Ok, I've seen a lot of just lousy special teams play this season. Jeff Reed can't kick in his own stadium. The Giants can't punt without getting booed. Covering Devin Hester is harder than covering up government corruption. But we finally have a winner, and it's none other than...the Detroit Lions. Yes, the Lions! They ended a game by throwing a two-point conversion out the back of the end zone thus getting 0-8 Buffalo off the schnide - and this isn't even their biggest gaffe. During week 8, they had a chance to take down the Jets. They came to a point in the third quarter where the Big Losing Cats had just scored and taken back all of the momentum. The Jets had knocked kicker Jason Hanson from the game, and, instead of bringing in, I don't know, the punter or someone who can actually kick to put up the extra point, the Lions instead turned to...300-lb rookie defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh, who doinked the rock off the upright. If there is a worse use for a defensive lineman than this, I'd like to know about it. Short of entering him in a bikini contest, I'm out of ideas.

After Titans cornerback Alterraun Verner speedily returned an interception against the Cowboys, Chris "Boomer" Berman referred to him as "Alterraun After-Verner." Genius!

Graduates of the Bill Belichick School of Opponent Demoralization, Early Valedictorian Candidate: The University of Wisconsin Badgers, content on making a statement that the BCS had ranked them too low, defeated the IU Hoosiers by a jaw-droppingly absurd score of 83-20, setting the Big 10 et al's record for highest score. 83 points. 83 points. Let's do a comparison. The Bears have scored 174 points the entire year! Apparently, IU couldn't stand the right way up and UW thought it was basketball season.

Pseudo-Scientific Analysis: Here is a statistic I crunched. In four of the six Bears victories, Greg Olsen has caught a touchdown. He has not scored in any of the Bears' three losses. Analysts have pointed this fact out as well: seems like when Olsen's in the end zone, the Bears are winning, if we throw out the one game where the Bears were without Jay Cutler. As a scientist, though, I have to caution that we don't know if this is causation ("Olsen causes the Bears to win"), an unrelated correlation ("when the Bears are winning, they utilize Olsen more"), or something different altogether ("When Mike Martz accidentally puts his underwear on backwards, he runs more tight end routes.") Regardless, I have an experiment: keep throwing to him, see what happens. 

During the messy Colts-Bengals contest, the Colts, with their positively staggering (heh) injury report, were described as "a hospital dressed in blue and white" by CBS announcers. I didn't realize just how darn funny this was (the comment, not the Colts' injury report)* until, when I was driving later and I saw the universal road sign for "hospital."

Does this color scheme look familiar?

When Buffalo WR Roscoe Parrish scored against the Bears in week 9, Fox announcers described him as "quick as a hiccup." Needless to say, the hiccup came before the Bills vomited all over themselves by throwing a backbreaking interception at the end of the game.

Northwestern/Penn State. ABC announcers described a receiver's (gosh, I wish I could remember which team's receiver) seemingly effortless route and subsequent six points as "a little dipsy-doodle in the middle." 

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: So I lost the Chemical Bowl. It was one of those days where everything fell on its face; c'est la vie. Want to know what was really funny? I won this past week and still don't know how. I did everything wrong. I left Beanie Wells in the lineup and he was inactive. I benched Tom Brady (four touchdowns) in favor of Donovan McNabb, who laid a positively enormous egg at home the day after signing his whopping new contract. I started the wrong everything. My defense (Arizona) had zero points. I had my lineup all bass-ackwards at wide receiver. I won because Dwayne Bowe caught everything thrown to him and because Wes Welker is finally starting to look like Wes Welker again.** I might try this contrarian approach more often!

*Trust me. It's not funny at all. The fantasy football gods, in Week 5 or 6 or whenever it was, decided that they hadn't made enough of a mockery of me at the tight end position last year, and promptly knocked Dallas Clark out for the season. 

**I've been sorely, desperately deprived of the Shrieking Welkergasm for way too long. I have since acquired this Rob Gronkowski character, and look forward to starting my Patriots Trifecta against the Colts, because you know this is going to be a bigger shootout than the end of The Matrix.

Best Poem of the Year

So, as preamble, the Steelers fired notoriously inconsistent (and eccentric) kicker Jeff Reed  - whose field goal percentage had been less than 50% at Heinz Field - and signed former Redskin Shaun Suisham in his place. 

In Sports Illustrated today, Steve Rushin penned this exquisite Ode to Kickers. Repeat: this is not mine. I wish it were: 

They're common men with names uncommon.
(Where have you gone, Uwe von Schamann?)
They're just plain Folks, they're Happy Fellers,
These Robbie Goulds, these Roy Gerelas.

A poet desperate for a segue
Is grateful for Raul Allegre.
And Vinatieri shilled for Snickers,
But no one else loves field-goal kickers.

Their teammates, each, are huge and freakish,
But they're more . . . Ali Haji-Sheikh-ish.
They're K-Marts in a world of Gucci.
(Where did you go, Dean Biasucci?)

*****

I'm sure the four Zendejas brothers
Were each beloved by their mother.
Otherwise -- brotherwise -- Canton plaques
Will never be cast for Gogolaks.

And Chester Marcol of the Packers,
Olindo Mare and Neil Rackers,
Have suffered fortune's slings and arrows,
With sundry Skips and Chips and Garos.

*****

Anderson, Andersen: Which one's which?
It's Pete, not Peja, Stoyanovich?
Del Greco, Daluiso: Which is which?
There's Toni Linhart and Toni Fritsch?

That Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Was anti-kicker-filled invective.
The villain was a sicko kicker
Who dressed himself in ladies' knickers.

The movie Gus was even sicker:
It cast a jackass as a kicker.
A football horse, half-mule, half-man?
'Twas Bengal kicker Horst Muhlmann.

*****

Two Bahrs once meant field-goal perfection;
Two bars now mean poor phone reception.
Two Bahrs incarnate -- bros Chris and Matt -- 
Wore one-bar facemasks across each hat.

Dramatic Arts -- Ars Dramatica -- 
As performed by Bill Gramatica
Meant leaping, dancing, great emoting -- 
(An ACL torn while showboating).

*****

They don't deserve your scorn or laughter
This band of men who kick points-after.
Kickers and goalposts both, I've found,
Are just built up to get torn down.

Seldom is heard on ESPN
That glorious surname: "Septien."
A Vikings fan, I'm purple-hazy --
My dreams are still Fuad Reveiz-y.

The tank that's named for General Pershing
Is not as strong as leg of Wersching.
In Oslo this man's fans are legion:
Jan Stenerud kicked in Norwegian.

*****

Alone among his fellow kickers
Mike Vanderjagt misspoke while "liquored".
Or so his quarterback insisted.
Before the kicker got C-listed.

And so my eyes got somewhat misty
When gazing on the Bills' Steve Christie.
The Raiders' kicker sure likes his food.
That Cowboy Buehler's a righteous dude.

Has any avis been more rara
Than Dallas great Efren Herrera?
The Dow, the Nasdaq and the Nikkei
Have fewer points than Igwebuike.

******

You couch-bound slobs, ruled by inertia:
Bow down and worship Rolf Benirschke!
The Toe (Lou Groza)! The Foot (Fred Cox)!
And barefoot freaks wearing single socks!

The opposite of bland was Blanda,
Kicked black-and-white, like Kung Fu Panda;
And nerves? Jay Feely could not feel 'em,
And nor can colleague Jason Elam.

They're shunned and roughed and waiver-wired;
One day they're iced, the next they're fired.
John Carney still has not expired.
Joe Nedney has not yet perspired.

******

The chicks might dig a perfect spiral;
Favre's every utterance goes viral.
Americans though still revile
All things described as "soccer-style."

But when these fans go meet their makers,
If heaven's run by David Akers,
He'll cast aside those heathen sinners
Who shunned him when he missed game-winners.

He'll call the roll in Kicker Heaven:
"Bironas, Rob!" and "Butler, Kevin!"
Dempsey's a Saint, Norwood's a martyr.
The Holy Grail's an 80-yarder.

Read more: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/steve_rushin/11/17/kickers/index.html#ixzz15bNbAdN6

Reposted from: Here.

The Polamolecule!

It's not very often that my two favorite things (chemistry and football) overlap, but when the stars happen to align and they actually do, hilarity usually ensues. You get things like the following Head and Shoulders ad, featuring a compound - the Polamolecule - made of element No. 43. Genius!

Via Hilobrow, submitted by reader Michael.

FYI, actual element #43 is Technetium, which is radioactive and dangerous, so they're not that far off the mark. Don't forget your, um, safety goggles.

Monday Fallout

The news breaks today that, after a positively nightmarish 1-7 start, Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips has been given the boot. (ESPN Dallas). Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett has been named in his interim. The change comes less than 12 hours after the Cowboys were murdered on national TV by Green Bay in a 45-7 contest. I'm not sure firing Phillips was the right choice, but someone had to get canned for this fiasco because the last time such naughty and scandalous things happened to Cowboys, Brokeback Mountain won Oscars for it.

***

And now, here's an amazing bloop play that someone sent me earlier, c/o Driscoll Middle School. What is this, a fake timeout? an uncalled false start? The best trick play of the year has just been executed by...twelve year olds. See for yourself! 

To come later: a children's treasury of Truly Special Special Teams.

The Chemical Bowl

Boyfriend and I are playing each other in fantasy football this week. The 'Nukes take on the Adamantane Assault in the Chemical Bowl* in about 40 minutes. Leading the charge on my end are the always-present Tom Brady and Wes Welker, along with Dwayne Bowe and Steve Breaston (bye week replacement). At running back, we have Beanie "I'm Not Sick But I'm Not" Wells and San Diego fullback Mike Tolbert, who appears to be the new valedictorian in the Joseph Addai School of Goal-Line Powerbacking. I'm starting Tony Moeaki at tight end this week. Readers will recall my love-hate affair with this position last year. It's very firmly "hate" this year, as my team seems to have collapsed like a house of cards the minute Dallas Clark was placed on IR. And I have Robbie Gould at kicker and the Saints' defense. Against Carolina. 

What we hope the Chemical Bowl will be like! Danger! Chemical Weapons Testing! Source: original unknown.

Official Boyfriend of Second and One is starting Carson Palmer, Pierre Garcon, Dez Bryant, Marques Colston, Ahmad Bradshaw, Willis McGahee, Jeremy Shockey, Neil Rackers, and the Jets' D. It's predicted to be a big shootout, but knowing the way our predicting algorithm works this season (read as: not very well), neither of us will get off the ground.

Probably a more realistic depiction of the Chemical Bowl. Source: shutterstock.com.

*Boyfriend is also an organic chemist. "Adamantane" is a funny-shaped, oddly greasy molecule and has nothing to do with him "adamantly" insisting that he's going to win this game.