Preseason Extra Points

So after blowing one to the Cardinals at home, the Bears fall to 0-3 in the preseason. I've given up on trying to figure out what's wrong with the Bears (besides everything; see below), so in the mean time, here are some morsels from week 3 of the preseason. 

Truly Special Special Teams: On Saturday night, at home, against the Cardinals, the Bears tried to answer the Cardinals' seven points with three, and the field goal was promptly blocked. On their next trip to the red zone, Gould went out to kick again from 48 yards, doinked the left upright, and missed. This preseason, the Bears have also had two blocked punts, one for a safety, and a muffed catch that ended in a recovery touchdown by the Raiders. We urge you to contact police if you have seen the Bears' special teams. 

Interesting Bonus Statistic: 33 of the 44 past Super Bowl champions have won at least two of their preseason outings. A notable exception to the rule is Detroit, who has won nine of their past eleven preliminaries, ironically going 4-0 before they went 0-16. 

But...but...We're the preseason champions! Yeah! Whoohoo! Source: ESPN SportsCenter.

Absolutely Sick Defensive Play Penalty: On 3rd-and-8 from their own 20 yard line while up by three against Detroit, Panthers Browns QB Jake Delhomme dropped back to pass and the Lions brought pressure. First-round pick DE Ndamukong Suh (overcome by a fit of blood-lust, apparently) grabbed Delhomme's facemask and violently tossed Delhomme to the turf - by his head (anyone who is so inclined may watch it here, but be warned: it's one of the dirtiest and most violent plays I've seen in a while). (NFL) Whoah, Mr. Suh! We realize that the Lions need to rebuild their defense, but receiving a fine from the league for attempting to decapitate your opponents is not the way to do it!

Another Interesting Bonus Statistic: Both teams to play in the 2006 Super Bowl are 0-3. While the Colts lack depth on defense, the Bears' first-and-second-team offenses are equally bad (scoring 17 and 19 points thus far, respectively). What's happening with the Bears: It's kind of like an inventor that designs some widget and plugs it in, only to have the thing blow up spectacularly. So he goes back to his garage, tinkers with it, and plugs it in the following week, with the same utterly disastrous result. Just watch. Both teams will now go 14-2. 

The Bears and Colts in the 2010 Preseason. Source: everywhere on the Internet.

Cue the Looney Tunes Music: Oh, Cowboys. How we bloggers love you for your comedic value. In a true Texas blowout, QB Tony Romo was sacked twice, fumbled, and committed the following incredibly amusing gaffe, where he intended to flip the ball to Felix Jones, who didn't hear him because Romo apparently changed the play at the last moment (NFL). D'oh! "We just didn't play good" said TE Jason Witten, who was apparently too exhausted to realize he was grammatically incorrect.

Yet Another Interesting Bonus Statistic: During the preseason thus far, the Indianapolis Colts have surrendered 130 points to opponents and committed 12 turnovers. The New Orleans Saints have scored 98 points and committed three turnovers. Wouldn't it have been fun to have these two teams play each other this preseason?

Amusing Announcing: During the opening announcement of the Cardinals starting lineups, a Bears Radio Network announcer referred to Cards guard Deuce Lutui (who is currently suspended for reporting to training camp overweight) as "Douche Lutui." While this one is no doubt a slip-of-the-tongue, why do I get the feeling that Lutui's teammates have probably been doing this for years behind his back?

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: My fantasy draft is next Friday at 10PM, and the Fighting Nucleophiles (Official Fantasy Team of Second and One) are coming back for a third consecutive season (hopefully without the busted knee ligaments, musical third wideout position, and famously wonky tight ends). I've been crunching statistics, reading injury reports and making my lists carefully (which are now in a super-secret MS word document with an equally super-secret title of "MC'S 2010 FANTASY DRAFT.") Tune in this time next week to see who'll be feeling nucleophilic this season.

That's all for now, folks. College ball starts next week. Man, I'd better get on that. Also to come soon: the second installment of the Second and One Reader Challenge, now with more nudity!

And The Worst Performance of the Preseason Award Goes To...

...San Diego backup QB Billy Volek. After the 'Bolts pulled Rivers in the 3rd quarter, Volek came out, and following a first down, immediately lobbed a long pass straight into the Saints' larcenous secondary, putting the brakes on hopes for a retaliatory score. Then, in the fourth, with about a buck-fifty on the clock, the Chargers needed six plus a deuce conversion to tie. Things appeared to be going their way as Volek maneuvered the ball down to the Saints' 26. The next play, Volek threw another errant pass, which I don't really know how to describe beyond that it wasn't really into coverage - it was to the coverage, and cornerback Leigh Torrence caught the football at the 13.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Saints, mortal, for ye shall be the worse off for it. Source: palmbeachpost.com

At this point, with about thirty seconds left, my better half turned from his chair to yell at the TV, "Just fall on it, jackass!" - but that would be too easy. Torrence, in true Saints fashion, ran the thing 87 yards the other way to totally ice the game. The Chargers then muffed the ensuing squibby kickoff to give the ball back to the Saints with a few ticks left, and everyone got to see Philip Rivers pouting epically on the sidelines. Insult, meet Injury. Billy Volek: for channeling the spirit of Brett Favre and Peyton Manning, choking in the clutch, and giving the rest of us ninety seconds of incredibly amusing Schadenfreude, you get Second and One's Worst Performance of the Preseason Award...well, so far, anyway. 

Second and One, Version 2.0

Welcome to the New, Improved Second and One. It's a new season, and we've been working on some new layouts around here as I got complaints that the old color scheme made people's eyes go all funky (and it was starting to do the same to me). I'm still trying to work some bugs out so the plasticky, fresh, new blog smell will probably hang around for a while. 

Reader Challenge #1!

Last week I polled a group of people (via Facebook and such). I asked the following question:

"In your opinion, which touchdown celebration would cause the biggest possible fine, and who would you like to see perform it?"

And the results are in!

"I enjoy the flips into the end zone at the end of the run or after it. I lols when big guys in pads can show that sort of athleticism." - Angela W.

"Off the top of my head I think a dance routine a la tango would be amusing. You know which two I have in mind here...the clowns." -Eric J. [presumably he means Owens and Ochocinco]

"Something with pyrotechnics (on the field)." - Jeff R.

"Hmm, I need to think about #3 but I know I'd want Chad Ochocinco to perform it. Yeah I'm going to need some time for this one but it would probably involve him mocking the Stoolers." -Judy R.

"I didn't know there were different types of touch down dances...I think the best performers are always the bigger guys...there is more joy when they score!" - Jessica H.

"Bye bye bye" (n*sync) dance performed by Tony Siragusa." - Marc R.

Thanks to everyone who participated! In honor of end zone hi-jinx, here's ESPN's list of the best NFL touchdown celebrations (Youtube, ESPN).

Talk About Busted Coverage

This suitably disturbing story came to me this afternoon. (NCAA Fanhouse) Apparently, there's more trouble out in Oregon, only this time, with Oregon State. On early Sunday morning, police in Corvallis, Oregon received a call from a woman who reported a young man was trespassing in the second floor of her home. The young man in question? Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas, who was drunk out of his skull and wearing nothing but, uh, his birthday jersey. When authorities arrived, Thomas reportedly assumed a three-point stance and charged the cops. He was subsequently charged with a taser, (and with trespassing, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest), and booted from the football team. 

The only way this could have possibly been funnier is if the guy were a tight end. 

The Authoritative Chicago Bears Playbook Quiz!

So the Bears have disappointed again in the preseason, being thoroughly hoisted on their own petard by an inefficient offensive line and lousy play calling. We at Second and One have obtained this stinky playbook (and associated documents), and before we burned it to exorcise the demons therein, we made it into a quiz. See if you can guess the correct answer(s) to this question: What Would Lovie Do?

1. Your opponent fires a shot across the bow by scoring a touchdown on the opening possession. You (the Bears) have the ball. What do you do?

a. Show 'em what you're made of. Execute a quick-strike passing attack and punch it into the end zone in retaliation.

b. Run the ball steadily, grind out yards slowly and methodically, bleed ten minutes off the clock, and smash-mouth your way in for six.

c. Draw a long pass interference penalty and kick a field goal.

2. You're winning by fourteen points against a really bad team at home. You're on 4th down and 1 at their 16-yard-line. What do you do?

a. Go for it and see what happens. 

b. Be conservative, kick the field goal, and adjust accordingly. You're already winning.

c. Try a fake shovel pass to your fullback while in a pseudo-field goal formation, get creamed behind the line of scrimmage, and get no points.

3. You're losing on the road and you're 3rd and 17. What do you do?

a. Try and draw the opponents offsides to make it a more manageable 3rd and 7. 

b. Pull out the stops and throw the ball downfield.

c. Run up the middle for two yards. We're a running team, gosh-darnit!

4. A typical series for your offense goes like...

a. Short run, slant pass, screen route, first down.

b. Throw over the middle, sweep, short run, first down.

c. False start, sack, sack, run up the middle, punt. 

5. A typical series for your defense goes like...

a. Stuffed at the line, flush the QB from the pocket, broken up pass.

b. Jammed at the line, five-yard gain, pushed out of bounds.

c. Jump offsides twice in a row. 

6. Your opponent needs a true "Hail Mary" to tie you. What defensive formation do you use to try and stop it?

a. Easy. Nickel package or higher or straight-up Prevent. 

b. Send the dogs. Try a mega-blitz package and pray you're quicker than they are.

c. Don't rush the passer, and play the softest cover-2 you can think of.

7. It's draft day! Who do you pick?

a. Some big, speedy wide receivers for your franchise quarterback.

b. Some enormous guys to stick up front to block.

c. Cornerbacks! We've got, like, 12 on the roster, and we'd really like to make that 13! I hear that's good luck, or something.

8. You need a new coach for your defensive line. Who's your number one choice?

a. A bowl-winning former college defensive coordinator.

b. A young, defensive-minded assistant coach from a rival conference.

c. The head coach of a team that went 0-16 the previous season. It's just them, right?

9. It's a preseason game. It's pretty meaningless, but it's a time for judgment. What do you do?

a. Play your starters, and then the second and third strings, to check out the depth of your roster.

b. Try out some new plays you've been working on in training camp.

c. Practice two-point conversions every time you score (and even blow some of them) for a reason that eludes everyone's comprehension. 

10. Ok. You're going to score. Some way or another, you will get points. You're first and goal from the one-yard line. What's the play, coach?

a. Try the quarterback sneak. It just might work and will catch them off guard.

b. Power-rush time! Move that pile! 

c. Try to force the ball to your triple-covered tight end and promptly be intercepted in the corner of the end zone, knocking all momentum out of your team.

Let's hope these demons get worked out soon. 

Fun Times

So I went to one of the yearly end-of-summer picnics earlier tonight, and as always, someone brought a football and we got to playing catch even though it was approximately four-hundred degrees outside. As I mentioned earlier, I've got terrible hands but an okay arm, and at one point I tossed the ball to Chris, another chemist. Chris, who is from Louisiana and loves his Saints, remarked, "You are better than Brett Favre! You didn't throw the interception." 

Which reminded me. Brett Favre is coming back to play for the Vikings. I think the whole yes-no-maybe-so drama is really rather ridiculous, so I'll cut-and-dry about it. In honor of Favre's supposed return, I give you all this. Vikes fans may throw things at will. Caveat emptor, as they say. 

The best part was later in the evening, when I took off running with the ball as someone chased me. I paused in front of Chris, obviously dropped the ball on the ground, and said,

"Now I'm Adrian Peterson."

Second and One's Preseason Power Rankings, Part 2!

And here's the second half...of the Second and One Preseason Power Rankings!!! All assessments were made during training camp or at the start of the preseason. 

16. Atlanta Falcons

            Props: The Falcons, like the Bears, are moving in the right direction after a few seasons of slop (especially 2007). Matt Ryan has no doubt helped with the cause in the past two years, posting two consecutive winning records (08 and 09, see below for more info on how significant this is.

            Slops: Despite what everyone says, the Falcons need to play with more consistency. Did you know that, among all major sports franchises in the country, that the Falcons hold the record for longest drought without consecutive winning seasons – this was 42 years. Aye caramba. So. Long story short; if they want to make that three years, they need Ryan, Michael Turner and Roddy White to be in top form. It would also help if their secondary didn’t play five yards off the ball all the time and actually worked on improving their pass-rush.

17. Denver Broncos

            Props: Josh McDaniels is another one of these guys who’s wound up like a giant spring and ready to blast off at any minute (and we wouldn’t expect any less from Bill Belicheck’s protégé). The Broncos are also in good shape in that they’re totally stacked at quarterback, have generally good special teams, and have a propensity to come out of the gate swinging.

            Slops: There are a lot of theories as to why it is the Broncos have a habit of starting strong and fizzling midseason, from accumulating injuries to initially training in high altitudes and then ceasing this training regimen as the stress of the season builds. The Broncos are now starting with both running backs (although one less than another) and a defensive end a bit banged up. Pay attention to: how the loss of Brandon Marshall affects receiver chemistry. 

"Hey, want me to blow a vuvuzela while you're at it?" Source: AP, name unknown.

18. Houston Texans

            Props: The Texans, in 2009, were the undisputed pass-wackiest team in the league, throwing for more yards than the Patriots, Saints, and Colts. No doubt, WR Andre Johnson contributed, with an average of almost 100 receiving yards per game. We can expect this continue in 2010, as the Cattle Ranch added two more receivers in the draft.

            Slops: Despite knocking on the door in recent years, the Texans have never been to the playoffs. Ever! For some perspective: even though the Detroit Lions have existed longer, even they’ve been to the playoffs. Perhaps it’s things like the special teams errors (missing two game-tying field goals against Indianapolis: truly painful) and persistent drama with people like LB Brian Cushing, who is now claiming that his positive test for a banned hormone (the same one that pregnancy tests detect) was biologically natural and due to something called “Overtrained Athlete Syndrome.” Really? I’d believe him saying he was pregnant and biologically female before I’d believe this cow-pie of a story.

19. Minnesota Vikings (without Favre)

           They made the playoffs in 2008, but I wouldn't expect it to look the same in 2010. See the "slops" version of the Vikings with Favre in Part 1. 

20. Washington Redskins

            Props: After a dreadful season last year, the ‘Skins also scored in free agency, acquiring Donovan McNabb – who still plays pretty well after a lot of years in Philadelphia. Also, (everyone saw it coming) Dan Snyder booted Jim Zorn (who now coaches the quarterbacks in Baltimore, of all places) and hired Mike Shanahan, who may just light a proverbial fire under some backsides. Also: Albert Haynesworth has finally stopped bleating about playing in a 3-4 scheme and they’re getting down to business, and did anyone see their preseason game last night, in which they (including the Kiddie Redskins) positively beat Buffalo’s swords into ploughshares?

Slops: Just like the government in their hometown, the Redskins are sloppy and inefficient, if some of the nastier games last season were any indication, there’s a lot of error and just plain bad play calling (which hopefully will improve). Their offensive line acts like a turnstile and lets everyone through. Also: how about their special teams:  the ‘Skins boasted (if you can call it that) the second-lowest field-goal completion percentage last year, and who can forget those awful special teams trick plays? Vote this playbook out of office, please.

21. Tennessee Titans

Props: After a positively terrible start to last season, The Titans put in Vince Young, went 5-0 afterwards, and actually sort of looked like the 2008 Titans until Indianapolis put the kibosh on that. But who really cares who’s standing under center for the Titans as long as they can hand off: the Titans are a running team, and likely will be as long as the brass keeps Chris Johnson happy, which they currently are (I think). Also: the Titans have good special teams.

Slops: The Titans lost Kyle Van den Bosch, Kevin Mawae, and Keith Bullock. They have an omnipresent mess in their secondary, which was ranked 31^st last year. Even though this statistic is skewed by injuries, 31^st was below Seattle, for cryin’ out loud. Nobody knows what Jeff Fischer will do at the second corner slot this year (right now it looks like “It’s Verner! It’s Mouton! It’s McCourty! It’s Mickey Mouse!”)  The Titans also are the ultimate in bad karma: assault, weed and steroids, speeding, suspended licenses, contract holdouts, disastrous practices, media meltdowns, stadium malfunctions - it’s like the Dallas Cowboys, circa 1995, all over again, except the Cowboys were actually good. And they drafted LeGarrette Blount, who will be known as “that guy from Oregon who decked that guy from Boise on TV” until he dies. Ugh.

22. Miami Dolphins

            Props: The dolphins are one of the few teams that can actually capitalize successfully off of the wildcat formation (although the Eagles, Titans, Broncos, and Vikings have tried in recent years). I posted a statistic a while back that the Dolphins (Ca. 2008) averaged 8.9 yards/play with this formation, which is pretty impressive. And of course, they get to play in Miami, where they never have to worry about a home game being snowed out (cf. Chicago, Baltimore).

            Slops: Miami’s biggest problem is their inconsistency. They’re great one week, and then they’re terrible the next. They accumulate surprisingly good statistics and finish 0.500 or lower, so they’re incredibly difficult to figure out, especially for lousy analysts like me. Also: pay attention to QB depth.

This is the Vikings without Brett Favre: Clowns in helmets. Source: AP, source unknown.

23. Carolina Panthers

Props: The Big Black Cats suddenly got too hot to handle at the end of last season, knocking off both Minnesota and the Giants with an alarming sense of kamikaze-esque bravado when QB Matt More stood in for Jake Delhomme (who’s now been offloaded onto Cleveland). The Panthers also have DeAngelo Williams, who single-handedly provides them with an amazing running attack.

Slops: Like Miami, Carolina suffers most from inconsistency. The Panthers became derailed in 2009 after a frightful playoff game in which they got positively ravaged at home by Arizona. They’ve shaken some of the dust off, but nobody knows if they will start hot – or be able to stay hot, as they have eight starts (nine?) between the four QBs they had in camp. The Panthers also suffer from some of the worst play-calling in the NFC: Why does a team with Williams in its backfield still call over 20 pass plays per game? Will the presence of Jimmy Clausen, or Steve Smith’s broken arm, somehow change this? 

24. San Francisco 49ers

            Props: So what do we have in San Fran? The Niners have had a good running game (although last year’s stats didn’t show it) and have looked good in this category in the preseason. This will likely continue, especially with the signing of Brian Westbrook to replace Glen Coffee (who retired because Jesus apparently told him to get a Masters’ degree). On the opposite side, the 49ers have a good rush defense as well, ranked 6^th last season. Additionally, the 49ers drafted some incredibly physical new players this season.

            Slops: ...Who are the physical guys up in the offensive front protecting? Alex smith, who was ranked below average in passing yards last year? Also: watch out for general inconsistencies, coaching meltdowns (we hope not), and the sophomore manifestation of the Crabtree Curse.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars

            Props: The Jaguars are a sort of like the 49ers, only a waterier, less unpredictable, made-from-concentrate version of the 49ers. They’ve also got a good running game (better than SF) and, now, a solid commitment to not being bad anymore after several consecutive losing seasons. So maybe they’re more like a weak version of the Tennessee Titans.

            Cons: Also like the 49ers, the Jags’ quarterbacking ranks slightly below average and their offense isn’t particularly explosive, scoring only about 2 ppg on average more than Detroit last year. Their defense is also pretty lukewarm, overall, however, boasting none of the hole-plugging of San Francisco (and Lordy, that sounds all sorts of wrong.) Let’s not forget about the lousy drafting, their low ticket sales, the jabber about moving the team to Los Angeles, and the general feeling that the some part of the organization is so far out of touch that they’re in low orbit around Neptune.

26. Seattle Seahawks

            Props: We’re getting down to the bottom of the pile here, so let’s say that the Seahawks have one thing going for them. They’re not worse than they already are, and they’ve probably hit rock bottom and have nowhere to go but up. They did fine in the draft, and the addition of former Jets RB Leon Washington will help them improve their run game (which was ranked #26 last season. Ow.) Additionally, thank heavens Matt Hasselbeck will be starting.

            Slops: Lord knows, it hasn’t been easy. They sign TJ Houshmandzadeh to only have him score thrice in the regular season. They hire Pete Carroll as head coach after Holmgren left for the Browns (and Mora got canned), only to have a host of allegations of wrongdoing from his USC days surface. They trade away picks to get LenDale White from the Titans, only to cut him a month later following a drug suspension and send him packing to Denver. They draft former ND product Golden Tate, only to have him break into a donut shop at 3AM. It’s like they’re trying to improve, but they keep giving themselves the Rube Goldberg Award in the process.

Of course, he shouldn't show his face in public...he's a Titan, right? Source: The Tennessean

27. Kansas City Chiefs

            Props: One of the reasons that Chiefs games haven’t been canceled for humanitarian reasons yet is that they do have some deep sleepers on the roster. Matt Cassel once lead the New England Patriots to 11-5. Thomas Jones, coming off a 1400-yard rushing season, has departed New Jersey for Missouri to add to a team that predominantly depends on the rush. Chris Chambers can catch (or so we think).

            Slops: The problem with the Chiefs is that they’re the football equivalent of a four-year-old assembling a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces have been jammed together without any rhyme or reason in any way they can fit, and as a result, pieces are missing and the whole picture doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know what happened in 2007 when the axles both seemed to break at once, but it’s been a nightmare ever since. What can a team do with deep sleepers if they even give the illusion that nobody can catch (23^rd) and nobody can defend (allowed almost 400 yards/game in 2009 with an average margin of defeat of 14 points. Good Grieving Gravy.)

28. Oakland Raiders

            Props: Now it’s gotten just plain unpleasant. I think one positive for the Raiders is that JaMarcus Russell is gone (even though they still owe him an egregious amount of money) because he clearly wasn’t cutting the mustard. Jason Campbell (while coming from a milquetoast Redskins team) will be an improvement. The Raiders are also one of these teams that can leap out and beat someone when they least expect it. The Steelers, Eagles, and Bengals were all casualties last year.

            Slops: I talk a lot about bad psychology here, and the Raiders have some of the worst. The Vikings may have their Brett Favre drama and the Titans and Bengals may have half the team trying to make parole in addition to the playoffs, but the Raiders have truly deep, sticky, nagging, horrible skeletons in their closet: A head coach with a nasty temper. Almost 40 million dollars down the tube for the JaMarcus experiment. This abrasive gangster image (that some people like, strangely), fans with a reputation for being rude, and the worst yet: seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses. A short analysis of just what’s going on: average margin of victory in 2009: 2.8 points. Average margin of defeat is just about 18. So when they win, they play down to the level teams are on when they have very bad days, and when they lose, they’re really getting pounded. That’s a whole lot of slop.

29. Detroit Lions

            Props: My significant other is masochistic enough to like the Lions, so I have to do this all the time. The Lions. Will not. Suck. Forever. Matthew Stafford, if he can stay healthy, is smart, he’s got plenty of energy, and he’s all of 22 years old. Calvin Johnson can actually catch a football contrary to popular beliefs. There are some fresh faces on defense. Jahvid Best can run. Ndamukong Suh wants to eat Aaron Rodgers with butter and a few shallots. Does anyone remember the New Orleans ‘Aints, with the original paper bags over heads, Hurricane Katrina, and 20–plus years of Gawd-awful quarterbacking? Now does anyone remember last year, how the ‘Aints won some big game called the Super Bowl, whatever that is? Does anyone get what I’m talking about?

            Slops: They’re the Lions, and have historically been bad. Nothing damages a team’s psyche more than half-a-century of everyone – fans, management, the media, torturous psychological conditioning – telling them that they stink worse than a slaughterhouse in July. See. Just about everyone who lives in Georgia likes the Falcons, and just about everyone who lives in Minnesota likes the Vikings. I was actually born and raised in Michigan and only like watching the Lions when the Bears beat them. It really is that sad. Oh, and their defense was ranked dead last in just about anything. It’s like they don’t even know what they’re defending, beyond the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is most of Detroit.

30. Buffalo Bills

            Props: Can we say anything positive about the Buffalo Bills beyond that they didn’t go 0-16 last year and now have a new head coach?

            Slops: The Buffalo Bills need a quarterback, among other people. And I have to rank them lower than the Lions because while they’ve actually been to four Super Bowls, they lost four consecutive times (Ow.), they’re tied with the Lions for consecutive years failed to make the playoffs, and if they can make Terrell Owens look like nothing more than a gigantic, coverage-drawing decoy, they’re probably not even trying. The situation’s so dire that they actually tried to sack their ENTIRE coaching staff at the beginning of the year. It’s dire indeed. Several years ago, I was aimlessly whining at someone from Buffalo about the Bears having yet another unimpressive season (they finished 8-8 or something). He looked at me and groaned, “Please. We have the #%@$ing Bills.” I could see it in his eyes – the entire franchise is cursed sideways. 

Tom Cable did not deck this guy. It's an illusion. I swear. Source: AP, name unknown.

31. St. Louis Rams

Props: They’re just starting over at the QB position with Sam Bradford. And I think this is a good move, owing that nobody they had was going anywhere. We’re counting, of course, that his receivers will have gotten off the bus and that his O-line won’t revert to Swiss cheese status during the game, but it’s a rebuilding tool regardless. Also: Let’s talk about Steven Jackson. Ranked in the top three in nearly every category last season (except scoring and fumbles)? That’s insanity. Opponents (like the Saints) tend to stack the box against Jackson, which seems to not work consistently. Jackson-in-the-box?

            Slops: Everything that isn’t Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford. Has anyone else besides me heard the term “SOSA” used to describe the Rams? It stands for “Same-Old Sorry-@$$es.” We know that the running game is going to be offensive…but which kind of offensive?

32. Cleveland Browns

            Props: The Browns are also shaking things up on offense. We’ve got some fresh faces at the QB position in Seneca Wallace (of former Seahawks fame), Texas rookie Colt McCoy, and veteran Jake Delhomme. Like for St. Louis, it’s a start. They also did not have a half-bad draft (I’d grade them above average) – a new running back and a wideout may be the beginning of offensive rebuilding.

            Slops: The Browns were a disaster last season.  Ok. Maybe disaster is too nice of a word. How about the usual problems? Lack of discipline and cohesiveness, inability to score, and not enough coverage to be even PG-13 rated, and the crippling depression that was playing in Cleveland got so bad that Eric Mangini considered signing LeBron James (shame he’s now got to do that for the Dolphins). Additionally, the Browns suffered from terribly conservative play calling. I watched them during a tailspin against Baltimore last season (or maybe the year before) There they were, being pummeled on Monday Night Football, sixteen in the hole, and they were messing about with short runs and rinky-dink slant passes – throw the ball downfield, please! If you want to score, you need to put some urgency into it. If they do change the plays to take more risks, they’ve now got one of the league’s biggest pick-tossers in Delhomme. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t.

33. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

            Props: Defensive end Gerald McCoy. Also: Rookie QB Josh Freeman is 22 years old and has lots of room (and time) for improvement. Oh, and they’re pretty close to Disneyworld, does that count?

            Slops: So look what happened last year. The Bucs win for a while, Gruden goes to ESPN because he wants to be on television, Raheem Morris, who is rather defensive-minded, comes in, and the Bucs proceed to go 3-13. They start Byron Leftwich at QB, who loses three in a row. They start Josh Johnson, he blows four in a row. They start Josh Freeman, who wins one at home against the Packers (a fluke in every sense of the word as the Bucs seem to have Green Bay’s number regardless of where they play) and then drops the next five in gut-check fashion. They won the last two, getting their first road win since…uh…some time in 2008. It’s not so much that they look hopeless – it’s their utter collapse, after years and years of making the playoffs (I believe six years between 1999-2009 counts as “years and years” in recent memory) that makes the apparent hopelessness seem an order of magnitude worse as it was their worst record since 1991.

Anyway, that concludes our power rankings. I have regaled over the great, roasted the terrible, and raised question marks in between. None of this is gospel, and I subscribe to most peoples’ notions that anyone can be anyone on any given day. Let’s hope the season is an exciting one, full of underdogs, upsets, devastating blowouts, daring comebacks, and lots of amusing melodrama. For now, this is MC, signing off. Coming up soon: The First Ever Second and One Reader Challenge.

*And yes. I crunched a LOT of numbers for this one for the sake of statistical validity. Even the Chiefs do not have such a large disparity, and for teams that are closer to .500 (ie, the Bears), the difference between margins becomes much smaller. Additionally, one has to realize that these numbers (especially the defeat number) becomes less important the smaller the sample size “N” becomes, to where it’s effectively meaningless eventually. Oh no, the Saints had an average margin of defeat by 8 points! So what? They only lost three games all season.

Quote of The Day

Ok. I realize it's pointless to complain about what happens in preseason games, because all sorts of slop happens in preseason games. It's a time for teams to work out the slop so that they're in top form when the actual season starts. Only in preseason can Oakland and Cleveland look good, Dallas look mediocre, and New Orleans actually look kind of stinky. 

Still, it makes me sad when I see (or in this case, hear on the radio) games where the Bears, even the Nth-String, Bargain-Basement Bears, completely roll over and croak (in this case, vs. the San Diego Junior Varsity Chargers). It doesn't really tell us anything about the team as a whole* because it's just garbage time for rookies and has-beens, but I still cringe when I hear that the Bears have a series that includes like, two sacks and a blocked punt where the ball flies out the back of the end zone. And then exchanges like this occur:

Significant Other: The Bears are God's team, you know.

MC: Yeah, why's that?

Significant Other: Their offensive line is looking pretty hol(e)y. 

At least they're not St. Louis. Bradford got nailed so many times by the Vikings that I'm starting to think it happened on purpose as part of a hazing ritual.

Power Rankings part deux to come soon.

*Beyond that the offensive line is out to lunch, the right half of the defensive backfield doesn't know what its left half is doing, and Brian Urlacher likes hitting people. A lot. 

Nota Bene

A) Comments are again open. Kudos to Blogger for translating Google's spam-filter into the client. It's a new development, but hopefully I'll be able to filter the porn-bombers out of the muck more easily now.

B) The Baltimore Ravens had 1100 yards of penalties last year. That's almost 65 yards of penalties per game, counting the 17 they played. Their first play of the 2010 season (whilst Carolina had the ball) was jumping offsides. Baltimore Ravens, that's Tragic Irony on Line 2. It's like Aaron Rodgers getting sacked on the first play. Or maybe Jay Cutler throwing an interception, or Brees tossing a pin-point Hail Mary to the corner of the end zone. Or Vince Young punching his own center. Or Ben Roethlisberger whistling lasciviously and chasing a startled cheerleader out of the stadium. Apparently Line 2 is a party line in all senses of the term. 

Second and One's Preseason Power Rankings

Anyone watching Carolina vs. Baltimore tonight? I don't have the NFL network, and therefore can't see this Patriots/Saints re-match that everyone's been talking about, so I'll occupy myself with some writing. I've been working on this for five days now. Without further ado - The Second and One Preseason Power Rankings!

Before we get to the list, let me say this: all rankings, despite being objective, are based on such things as "statistics", "facts" "current events" and "actual sources beyond blatant homeristic biases" (whatever that means, but I think it's important.) If we've ranked your team higher than you think they should be, feel free to celebrate. If they're lower than you'd like, please don't put a bounty on my head. 

1. Indianapolis Colts   

            Props: Of course, is there anywhere we can start with the Colts that doesn’t involve Peyton Manning? Despite the lackluster finish at the end of last season’s Super Bowl, Manning returns to his role as gunslinger and field general – and motivational speaker for the rest of the team. Also, let’s not underestimate his receiving corps. Wayne, Clark, Collie, Garcon, Gonzalez – the only thing these boys have yet to catch is the swine flu.

           Slops: The Colts have yet to find a running back who can truly move the pile – they were ranked in the cellar in rushing last season. Joseph Addai is good in short-yardage situations but tends to be more of a power-back and he’ll likely be trading carries with Donald Brown. Also: pay attention to the health of the team’s defense as a whole.

Who cares if they look silly? They've had seven consecutive seasons of 12 wins or more. Source: unknown.

2. New Orleans Saints 

            Props: We talk too much about bad psychology here that it’s time to turn the tables. The Saints get the gold medal in good psychology. They won a Super Bowl. They’re relatively unplagued by the scandal that’s permeated the league this off-season. They run so many crazy offensive formations that their playbook likely reads like a game of Mad Libs. Their ever-expanding fan-base is rabid about them; they’re like the Twilight of football. And after last year, they have a lot of their starters returning on offense. The defense also plays well. At the Saints’ annual end-of-camp scrimmage, Drew Brees was frustrated over constantly being thwarted by the defense. Any defense that can pull the plug on the scoring machine is a good defense, right?

            Slops: After their miraculous junkyard-to-boulevard season, they’re in everybody’s crosshairs as the team to beat in the NFC. Also, although their secondary comes up with a lot of interceptions, they tend to play loose and gamble more than some people are comfortable with. We’ll see what Gregg Williams comes up with this season.

3. New York Jets

            Props: The Jets also capitalized in the off-season, signing LaDanian Tomlinson to a team that already gets off the bus running (ranked #1 by the end of last season). The Jets, a deep sleeper team in 2009, also have good psychology – Rex Ryan seems loud and adamant on flying the Jets to the Big One this year. The Jets also boasted the league’s best combined defensive unit in 2009, leading the league in both pass and total defense. They added to the former category in the signing of Antonio Cromartie (who’s now settled down and is ready to be serious.)

            Slops: I’m still shaking my head over why the Jets didn’t keep Thomas Jones, who had a career-high 1402 rushing yards last season. Supposedly it had something to do with a pay cut, but I’m not sure what to believe. I would have caved to his demands. Can you imagine had they kept him and still signed the disgruntled LT? Tomlinson and Jones would have been a great one-two punch, especially now that the Jets have maintained that they’re committed to the run.

4. Cincinnati Bengals

Props: While we’re on the subject of one-two punches, we’ve got the receiving half playing for the Cincinnati Circus! T.O. and Ochocinco! If Carson Palmer can deliver, these two will receive. I cannot imagine being an opposing corner and trying to predict these fellas’ routes – my head would explode.

            Slops: Cris Collinsworth noted dryly that the Bengals have the “world’s largest police blotter”. I sincerely hope that their legal dramas (Matt Jones, Cedric Benson, the Cornerback Formerly Known as Pacman) don’t get in the way this season. Not to mention nobody knows how the chemistry between Ocho and TO will shake out. They’ve got similar personalities. This could be good. This could be bad. No doubts it will be hilarious for the rest of us.

Just imagine. We are going to be seeing Heaven-knows how many years of this. Source unknown.

5. Vikings (with Brett Favre)

            Props: If Brett Favre returns, Minnesota’s receivers will likely continue to burn up the scoreboards and exasperate cornerbacks everywhere.  Their defensive front line (Allen, Williams, Williams, and Edwards) will give Favre plenty of time to work magic and keep the rest of the defense sharp.

Slops: The question is if. Without Favre, they’ve got iffy depth at the QB and LB positions, an aging secondary, a linebacker coming back from a broken femur, a receiver who suffers from migraines, the human fumble machine who wears #28, and fans who seem like they’re perpetually ready to commit seppuku. 

6. Green Bay Packers.

Props: Aaron Rodgers is athletic and has an amazing arm, as anyone who’s owned him in fantasy football will tell you. Rodgers is actually the #1-ranked fantasy quarterback right now in just about everybody’s system. Also playing well for the Pack are wide receivers (anyone can throw anything to Donald Driver!) and the linebacking corps (perhaps, last year, LBs Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk contributed to their top-ranked rush defense)

            Slops: The question remains whether Rodgers can be protected this season. Rodgers was the most-sacked quarterback last season – at 52 sacks (21 by Minnesota and Chicago alone) the guy got smashed harder than Ben Roethlisberger on a Friday night. The Packers have added Marshall Newhouse and Iowa product Brian Bulaga to the line, hoping for an improvement. Us Bears fans sincerely hope for the reverse. Also pay attention to: the age and health of the secondary, especially now that S Atari Bigby needs ankle surgery.

For their next drill, the Packers are going to send Ryan Grant through a car-wash. Source: AP, name unknown.

7. Dallas Cowboys

            Props: The Cowboys have some real stars. Miles Austin. Jason Witten. Marion Barber. They’ve got a promising rookie in Dez Bryant (to fill the “Vacancy” left by T.O.), a new right tackle to hopefully prevent Tony Romo from ending up on his back (sacked a career-high 34 times last season –ouch!), astonishingly good depth at tight end (if their tight ends ever recover from their injuries), a good kicker, and a lot of talk about this being Tony Romo’s breakout year. The Cowboys have all of the pieces to start hot.

            Slops:  The problem is, we’re looking at the whole package here. The whole package looks like it’ll be assembled properly from the August standpoint, but nobody knows whether the Cowboys (who have been so famously awful in December and January that they’ve been dubbed the “Collapse-Boys”) will have the momentum to finish out the season.

8. New York Giants

            Props: Despite missing the playoffs, Eli Manning was still ranked above average last year, and WR Mario Manningham still has a lot of time to develop into something vaguely resembling a pro receiver.

            Slops: The Giants’ played with inconsistency last year, went 8-8, choked spectacularly in the clutch, and missed the playoffs. Additionally, Big Blue’s roster currently looks like a bad episode of House. Last year we had Brandon Jacob’s wonky knee and Ahmad Bradshaw’s broken foot. This year, we’ve got three offensive linemen out for who-knows how long, and Osi Umenyiora’s hip (that will eventually require surgery). Bad karma, anyone? And now the G-men are interested in re-signing Plaxico Burress when he gets out of jail? Come on.

9. Arizona Cardinals

            Props: Despite being rather anemic at the RB position in the past, the Cards have a good backfield in Tim Hightower and Beanie Wells. Did you know that in 2009, Hightower and Wells had the team's highest average yards-per-carry statistic since 2000? These guys are young and will continue to produce. The contribution of star wideout Larry Fitzgerald also can’t ever be ignored.

            Cons: Unless they plan on handing off all season (and thank heavens they are improving at the rush), the Cardinals need to make sure someone can deliver the ball through the air now that Kurt Warner is playing golf somewhere. Ken Whisenhunt is really showing a lot of confidence in Matt Leinart (by drafting an unknown quarterback in the 5^th round), and most people wonder if it’s warranted. Does Matt Leinart even remember how to play quarterback?

10. New England Patriots

            Props: The one thing that we can’t ever knock the Patriots for is willpower.  If they win by 7 points, good. If they win by 14, great, if they win by 24, fabulous, if they win by 30, it’s normal. If they win by 48, maybe Bill Belicheck will smile. With this willpower, they continue to have good general offensive competence.

Slops: The health of receiver Wes Welker, who racked up a gazillion fantasy points last year, is still questionable after he blew out his knee, although it has been reported that he did participate in training camp. Nobody also knows what happened to the Patriots’ defense last season. Some (read as: me) speculate that the trading of Mike Vrabel to KC had something to do with it. Regardless, Belicheck’s dubious “4th and 2” call against Indianapolis last year showed a real lack of confidence in the defensive unit.

 If only all running backs showed their safeties this much love. Source: AP, source unknown.

11. San Diego Chargers

            Props: Ahh, we love the Chargers. Glamour and glitz, all sorts of ridiculous drama, powder-blue uniforms, a campy fight song, a famously cocky quarterback, and pretty cheerleaders. The Chargers also boast an amazing air assault (#5 last year), gigantic, skilled receivers, a decent secondary, and all sorts of momentum that somehow, year after year, manages to carry them to winning records.

            Slops: The Chargers have no running game. This isn’t unheard of for a team as pass-wacky as they are (the equally flighty Colts and Texans were ranked near the bottom of the rushing pile as well) but consider this: they had no running game with LT last season. They’ll have even less of one this year without him unless their #12 draft pick produces fast. Also, we can’t neglect their contract issues, Vincent Jackson’s suspension, their below-average ranked rush defense, and their epic playoff collapses, where they build momentum through a thrilling mid-fall crescendo and then promptly remember that they’re still coached by Norv Turner after Christmas. Nate Kaeding, who never misses, shanking three field goals in the divisional game against the Jets? That’s a purely Charger-ian choke.

12. Philadelphia Eagles

            Props: In Jeremy Maclin, Brent Celek, and DeSean Jackson, the Eagles have the ball, arguably, in good hands. It’s like a freakin’ Allstate commercial, and it showed last year despite a few games that left us scratching our heads. The departure of Donovan McNabb is going to stink, but backup Kevin Kolb appeared to be up to the job last season and will likely be adequate (as long as his favorite tight end stays open).

            Slops: Philly’s offense is absolutely riddled with injuries. Maclin and Jackson both got banged up in training camp, and seven offensive Eagles with miss Friday’s first preseason game against Jacksonville.  Also pay attention to: the way the team’s upper management handles Michael Vick’s drama.

13. Baltimore Ravens

            Props: Even if you’re not a Ravens fan, you can no doubt name members of the Blackbirds’ defense: Ray Lewis. Ed Reed. Terrell Suggs. Nobody goes to a Ravens game to watch a flashy, high-scoring contest (although, at about 24 ppg, they were ranked an impressive #9 in sheer ability to score last year); they go to watch the defense devour the opposition alive (I’d say at #3 last year, they did a pretty good job at that). So yes. The Ravens have a good defense. They also have some talented players at most offensive skill positions, but nobody goes to a Ravens game to watch Todd Heap either.

            Slops: As coherent as this unit is, it’s aging. As sort of inverse to the Eagles, the Ravens have a lot of injuries on defense right now. LB Sergio Kindle fell down the stairs and cracked his head open. CB Domonique Foxworth tore his ACL and is out for the season. Ed Reed, LarDarius Webb, and Fabian Washington will begin the season on the PUP list. Good Gravy, that’s got to hurt, no pun intended. Also pay attention to: the discipline of the team this year – the Ravens were the most penalized team last season.

The Cowboys, doing what they do best: rolling over and lying down. Source: AP, name unknown.

14. Pittsburgh Steelers

            Props: What’s not to like about the Steelers? Six Super Bowl Titles. A storied history. Fans all over the world. A good receiving crew and a quarterback who can deliver. Additionally, safety Troy Polamalu (whose injury on opening night really hurt the team last season) should start healthy, and the Steelers do not face a difficult schedule (Cleveland, Tennessee, Miami, Oakland and Buffalo).

            Slops: Oh God, the drama! Losing to Cleveland, Oakland, Kansas City, and a weak Chicago team in one season? Sucks. The loss of Santonio Holmes to the Jets following his legal issues? Sucks even harder. Roethlisberger’s sexual assault fiasco, issues with the commissioner, and the ensuing suspension? We can’t even stay PG-rated and still describe how much that sucks.

15, Chicago Bears

Props: Last year’s season was disappointing, if my insomnia, nightmares, and sore vocal cords were any indication. Nonetheless, the Bears realize the gravity of the situation and scored big in free agency, picking up DE Julius Peppers and TE Brandon Manumaleuna. Additionally, the Bears had a good draft, adding depth where it was necessary, and are shaking off the unpleasantness from last season by hiring new position coaches and a new offensive coordinator, who is mixing things up already (Desmond Clark to H-back? Who runs this formation anyway!?) Also: Brian Urlacher appears to be healthy.

Slops: While it’s a move in the right direction, it may not be enough. Jay Cutler has to prove that he’s got chemistry with his receivers and isn’t just showing off his arm strength. The Bears also have two decent cornerbacks in Charles Tillman and Zackery Bowman (if they can stay healthy) – they just don’t have much depth beyond them, except, to quote my friend Mark “seventeen corners, all of who are mediocre.” The Bears also suffer from nagging psychological issues: generally lousy play-calling, poor upper management; fans crying for Lovie Smith’s blood; Urlacher exchanging words with just about everyone, and a rough schedule on the horizon.

Part 2 (#s 16-32) will be coming soon. 

Halftime

So I'm watching the Hall of Fame game and it's just after recess. Truth be told, for the first NFL showing of the 2011 season, it's an incredibly boring game. We saw about three minutes of first-team players, and then the backups came out. The Cowboys Lite are flying all over the field and can't get it in the end zone for whatever reason. They're now running a three-receiver set because their two backup tight ends are injured. Literally, they're out of tight ends except for Jason Witten and some guy whose name is, I kid you not, Scott Sicko. The Junior Varsity Bengals aren't doing anything at all beyond moving the ball five inches at a time, punting, and accumulating more penalty yards than actual yards of offense. Highlights: near-constant cameras on Owens and Ochocinco, who are standing around on the sidelines looking like they're up to no good. 

Training Camp - A Pictorial Mini-Series - Part 2

The first preseason game of the NFL season is played tonight - Dallas vs. Cincinnati, on NBC at 8PM EST. I'm strangely excited even though I don't really like either team. 

But enough about that for now. As promised, here are more pictures from the week's plethora of NFL training camps. Again, credit goes to the fine guys and gals of the AP for their pics. 

Why yes, I'm twice the man you are, why do you ask?

The Browns practice their favorite regular season play, which consists of of tripping over each other and looking silly while the ball goes flying by. 

"And you two are going to start as safeties for us in a couple of weeks! Isn't that exciting?"

With both DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin hurt, someone's really got to get a leg up on the receiver situation in Philly.

"If we sneak up on them really slowly, they won't even realize that they're losing!"

"Catch the ball! Not me! Catch the ball! NOT ME!"

Larry Fitzgerald. Mall Cop.

Rookies in training camp learn important lessons like "How to stay on your game while looking like you're trying out for the circus"...

"...And exactly how much padding is too much to wear in Miami."

A third installment is coming soon! Are you ready for some football?! 

Training Camp - A Pictorial Mini-Series - Part 1

So we're a full week out from the start of the preseason and about three weeks from the start of college football. And again I am terribly delinquent on the NFL training camp updates.

There's really too much going on around the league - the holdouts, the contracts, the new strategies, the battles, the "aw, crap!"-injuries (yes, Elvis Dumervil, we are talking about you) - to actually write about all of it, and they say a picture tells a thousand words, so here are a few thousand words to really capture the spirit of the past week - the spirit that says that football season will soon be upon us once more! Most of the pictures are from the AP, but I forgot a few names, so please take credit for your wonderful work, should you stumble across this blog. 

Now we know why the Houston Texans have never made it to the playoffs in their entire existence. 

"No, No, you've got it all wrong! It's 'kick, step, kick, step, twirl.' Again now, from the top! Music, please!"

We (and guard Roberto Garza) knew the Bears were poopy and got wiped last year, but this is getting ridiculous (Chicago Tribune)

But nobody's in the toilet this year like the Steelers. Come on, even Hines Ward knows it.

The Patriots defense at camp. That's right, the entire defense - we're pretty sure that Vince Wilfork (left, #75) ate the linebackers and most of the secondary. 

Houston Texans kicker Kris Brown's son plays with his father's helmet. And, after last season, Gary Kubiak may consider giving the kid his dad's job. 

T.O.'s first drama in Cincinnati: applying the sunscreen.

Why isn't Greg Olsen doing this instead? (Chicago Tribune)

The Jags really hope to turn themselves around this season. 

Part 2 to come soon, hopefully with news.