And then I saw the Bears game. Trying to find out what's wrong with the Bears right now seems like it would require a team of therapists, a room full of couches, and a costly government grant to fund the whole thing, but I'll try and offer a surrogate. Let's pretend I'm in a press conference with Lovie Smith and Co., wearing my best power-suit and a press pass in my hat. Here are the questions in my note-pad. A lot of this may seem intuitive, but with the five collective brain cells in the Bears organization, I'm not even sure they understand intuition.
1. Why do your receivers continuously show poor field awareness and low football IQ? As much as I'd like to stop being a Jay Cutler apologist, I can't help but put stick some of the blame on his receivers. Yes, if a quarterback is a reckless gunslinger who chucks the football wherever he damn well pleases, the soup will hit the fan eventually just due to the law of averages. But if a receiver fails to run his route, hesitates in his route, or just isn't paying attention to who is covering him (and what said gentleman is doing), what can be done?
2. Why did you go through all of this work to acquire a jumbo-sized tight end from San Diego if he can't catch a ball and has the blocking ability of a folding chair? I'm talking about you, Brandon Manumaleuna. Five yards receiving all season? I don't like it.
3. Chester Taylor showed he can run today. Why, instead of sharing carries with Matt Forte, does Taylor stand on the sidelines and pick his nose the other 97% of the time? He had 6.7 yards per carry today. Why aren't the Bears getting their money's worth if they can block for him like this? Having two running backs trading carries (think Greene and Tomlinson, Mathews and Tolbert, or Wells and Hightower) is just good strategy as it confuses defenses and reduces the risk of injury. If Forte is still alive at the end of this season after being rammed into the line with the aplomb of one chopping up a stump, I won't be the only one surprised.
4. Why does Mike Martz hate Greg Olsen? Why does Olsen have one game where he's doing something every snap and then two games where he's held without a catch? I can partially answer this myself. Typically, tight ends in Martz's scheme get relegated to blocking roles. We get it. Olsen is not incredibly big and, suffice it to say, not a strong blocker. He does, however, have pretty good hands, especially in the red zone (or, historically, anyway). Still, when the Bears find themselves on their opponents' 20, where is Olsen, doing Sudoku on the bench?
Dear Mr. Martz: Why are you breaking up this bromance? Source: don't remember, nice picture.
5. Why has Julius Peppers seemed thoroughly disinterested in the game since the Bears played in Carolina? Let me re-phrase the question. Assuming that Peppers isn't missing his days with the Cardiac Cats, why is it that the only defenders who consistently show up to play are Israel Idonije, Brian Urlacher, and D.J. Moore, whoever he is?
6. If DeAngelo Hall had Jay Cutler's number (it's "six", by the way), why did Cutler even try to throw to receivers covered by said cornerback? One of the simplest rules of playing the QB position is knowing when to throw the ball and when to, well, not throw it. What does a quarterback gain by showing off his arm strength forcing a ball into coverage besides making people think he's a blithering idiot when the defense comes up with the pick? Run some multiple wideout formations to fake out zone coverage, and if nobody is open, either run or throw the rock away.
7. Why are you huddling when you're in two-minute-drill mentality? If you're down by any number of points and it's just before the half, what's the point of standing around and sucking wind (and sucking away your team's momentum) while the clock's-a-ticking?
Can you spot Jay Cutler's new #1 target? Hint: He's not wearing the number thirteen. Source: Scott Strazzante, Chicago Tribune
8. When the Bears are on the one-yard-line, why can't they score? How many times has this happened now, where the Bears have been in an incredibly short-yardage situation (where any other team would be all but guaranteed points), and they either commit a turnover or are forced to settle for three? Why aren't they trying everything? Try everything. Have the quarterback tuck the ball and run. Try a draw play. Run a four tight-end set. Have a lineman report as eligible. Try some play-action and scatter that secondary! Pump-fake. Wildcat. Fake field goal. With as many permutations as there are for offensive play sets, something has to work. Hell, let's hire Sherm Lewis and have him turn the offensive play-calling into a bingo game, while we're at it.
9. What, psychologically, happens to the Bears at halftime to make them unable to score in the third quarter? The Bears have not scored in the third quarter this entire season - and no other NFL team has been held scoreless an entire quarter! So why is this? Why not shoot out the scoreboard and pretend it's the first quarter? Light some aromatherapy candles, blow in some paper bags, and calm down.
10. Do you really think you can fix this offensive line? No matter how many combinations the Bears run up front, nothing's ever changing. In the last three games he has played, Jay Cutler has been sacked nineteen times. This line is an undisciplined, lopsided, witless, amorphous pile of silly putty, and either people should start getting activated from the practice squad, or people should start getting fired.
More news later. I hope.
*Yeah. I used it as a verb. Sue me. A "Belichicking" is any game in which you lose by more than 45.
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