Seahawks, Sleepwalking, and more on that darned Scoreboard

Posting here at Second and One will slow down over the next few days; I have a family emergency that now takes priority over disjointed rambling about football.

For our weekend NFL action recap:

Oops, I Did It Again: Is there anyone in the entire league who knows how to take a team from the boulevard to the junkyard more than Jake Delhomme? Delhomme lead the Big Black Cats to an easy score at the two minute warning just before the half. However, Delhomme's fumble, two interceptions, and subsequent "aw, Shucks!" gesticulating finally allowed a sleepwalking Cowboys team to win one in Jerry Jones' football palace. What a depressing collapse. Delhomme has now turned the ball over eight times this season. Ladies and Gents: The Panthers have returned to their playoff form. Second and One asks this question: How is Jake Delhomme like a SCUD missile? Both are on the offense, but terribly inaccurate! Also: Nobody has managed to punt into the scoreboard yet (I was disappointed), but other inconveniences are now arising at the new Cowboys Stadium: supposedly the game clock is located in a place where the players practically cannot see it. 

Aww, CCCRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!! (Dunno Source)

It's the Lions! Get in the Car: Detroit has finally snapped an 19-game losing streak, by putting up 19 points...against Washington's 14! Huzzah! It was a beautiful day: RB Clinton Portis was stopped on a goal line stand, the offense drove a contiguous 99 yards and scored, Matt Stafford did not turn the ball over, Coach Jim Schwartz sent his team out after a postgame meeting and prayer to celebrate with the fans, rainbows filled the sky, angels came down from heaven, and center Dominic Raiola blew kisses to the crowd. I'm serious on that last one: the jubilations can be read about here (c/o Yahoo Sports) Our long national nightmare is over: and, if this continues on the Redskins' side, so is Jim Zorn's job.

Bear Down! Continuing with the NFC Central's sweep, the Monsters of the Midway scraped out another aneurysm-inducing win against the Seattle Seahawks. The Bears started slowly, and were down 13-0 at one point, coming from behind as the defense woke up and Cutler utilized an arsenal of receivers (Bennett, Olsen, Forte on the option, Knox) - ending with a go-ahead touchdown to Devin Hester, silencing Seattle's "12th man." However, there are strange things afoot. Last week, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed missed two field goals, and this week, Seattle kicker Olindo Mare also missed two. If this continues next week, I will conclude that the Bears have a magical machine that causes opposing kickers to send the ball 20 yards wide of the uprights. A miniature fan? Magnets in the football? An ultrasonic pulse that distracts everyone but Robbie Gould? 

The Seahawks' ugly uniforms temporarily blinded the Bears, leading them to a slow start. (Source: Chicago Tribune)

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees did not throw a touchdown this week, as the Saints kept it on the ground (no doubt shocking the cornerbacks, who had been scared witless all week) and thus have revoked my prognosticating privileges for the next N years. Brett Favre executed this positively sick Hail Mary pass, finding Greg Lewis with two seconds left to win it for the Vikes. (Vikings Fan Dome). Announcers are now referring to any similar end zone-seeking freak-show as "Favreian." Stop the presses and alert the OED! We have a new word! Next week the undefeated Vikings take on the Packers, in what will be the greatest exhibition of blood-sport since the gladiator days.

Amusing Announcing: 

Keith Olbermann: "Texans and Titans - The battle to see who's Johnson is bigger in this game."

Unknown College Announcer: "...Hit him like a bottle of Bacardi."

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet all the Way: Who is this Mark Sanchez kid? Did he really throw two TDs against the Titans? Did he also seriously run one in in for good measure? Was he really the first rookie QB in the league to win his first three games? Did he do it all and still only throw for one more yard than Kerry Collins? While I'm asking too many questions, what on earth's happened to the Titans?! (Lots O' Fun Stats c/o ESPN)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: After getting ground into a fine powder in week 2, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, came back swinging. I followed my instinct and switched Boss for Eagles TE Brent Celek, who hauled in a touchdown pass from David Kolb and and 16 points. Brandon Jacobs and Joseph Addai both put 6 on the scoreboard, as did Devin Hester and Bears WR Johnny Knox (who I picked up as a free agent to sub for the injured Wes Welker). Add this to Aaron Rodgers, and I was my league's point-leader for the week. Lookin' good.

Next week, barring anything catastrophic happening, Second and One will be visiting Soldier Field again to commune with the Great Ones as they attempt to school Detroit harder than Robocop. A special "I Was THERE" entry to come!

Remember kids: 

Vikings conquer, Packers pound,

Colts stampede and Chargers ground,

Lions roar and Cowboys ride,

Broncos buck, but Bucs get fried,

To the playoffs, Saints are fated,

Patriots fight, but Raiders, raided.

Titans clash and Steelers rust, 

Giants shrink and Bengals bust,

and those who play Bears end in dust.

Weekend O' Wreckage

In case anyone wonders: Yes. I had a great time last night. The team I was rooting for ended up losing a nail-biter by three points, but it was an evening game, the weather was perfect, and the atmosphere was absolutely terrific. 

And now, Upsets!

Another One Bites the Dust: Yesterday,  #4 (Mississippi) was knocked off by South Carolina; Iowa beat Penn State (#5) by 11 points, and Cal (#6) was positively vaporized by Oregon, 42-3. Additionally, FSU (#18) lost to the University of Southern Florida (whoever the heck they are); and #24 (Washington) was buried by Stanford. 

There were also some amazingly close shaves: Clemson came within four of TCU (15), as did Mississippi State and LSU (7), and Houston (17) eeked out a win by a single point.  In other news, it's reported that the country's top computer scientists and programmers are now working around the clock to rebuild the BCS computer after it crashed and subsequently exploded last night.

This is Why You Go For It: The demoralized Michigan State Spartans, buried under a pile of points by Brett Bielema's Wisconsin boys in the 3rd quarter, opted, on 4th and 7 on the UW 10 to kick a field goal. Um...why did you do that? You're 1-2, psychologically messed up, on the road, down by two scores, being smeared by a team that calls themselves the Badgers, for God's sake, and you're knocking on the end zone's door? Show some Spartan fortitude and punch that sucker in! Instead, they kicked, and now are 1-3.

Also, did anyone see the video of Mark Dantonio sulking on the sidelines in the final seconds of the game? He had a scowl that probably could've made a linebacker cry.

This is Why You Don't Go For It: The Florida State Seminoles, greedy to be the first to put seven on the board, found themselves 4th and goal on the USF 2.  Ty Jones then rushed for one yard, but couldn't get it in, resulting in turnover on downs. USF then took the ball, from their own one-yard line, drove it downfield in two minutes - complete with a deep 77-yard pass from QB BJ Daniels - and scored. FSU, why didn't you kick for three? USF then went on to score again, while FSU finished the half with a goose-egg on the board. Mind you: they laid this one themselves.

I found myself wondering what on earth was going on with this game: FSU's pretty good. Nobody knows there's even a university in South Florida. It was almost like these two teams had switched places. And then I realized it: USF is FSU backwards! A palindromic matchup! Coincidence...or MURDER?*

"Aha! You stole our name and our spirit! You're going down!" Source: AP, Phil Coale.

Also, Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: USF missed two field goals. And still won the game.

Another Special Ridiculous Bonus Statistic: In the heavily-anticipated Purdue/Notre Dame skirmish, Purdue had 78 yards rushing, and 103 yards of penalties, including "taunting." The official NCAA Rulebook defines this as an "unsportsmanlike conduct" foul. Also under their heading of "unsportsmanlike conduct:" simulating the firing of a weapon or slashing of the throat, beating or crossing one's chest over a prone player, altering one's stride whilst scoring unopposed, bowing at the waist, going into the stands to interact with spectators, removing one's helmet, showboating (which they refer to as "delayed, excessive, prolonged, or choreographed acts by which a player (or player) attempts to focus attention upon himself (or themselves)", spiking the ball beyond conserving clock, and tossing the ball into the air (or anywhere where the official must go find it). Holy cats, Batman! 2ndand1 also surmises Purdue was penalized for having no secondary on the field, looking at the cheerleaders, standing one Angstrom** in the neutral zone, and breathing too loudly!

An Aesthetic Thought: At the game last night, I couldn't help but notice that the flag girls were carrying the ugliest flags I have ever seen. A big green, yellow and purple lightning bolt? Erm...precisely what this design had to do with the team, whose mascot is nowhere near a lightning bolt, and whose colors are nowhere near green, yellow, and purple, I have no idea. It looked like a bad Roller Derby show, or worse yet, like the San Diego Chargers had a garage sale in which they unloaded all of their campy 1970s memorabilia. 

***

And now switching to the pros, some prognostication!

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati: The Steelers, despite not being able to kick a ball straight and losing a heartbreaker to the Bears, have a sophisticated offense and talented receivers. However, the Bengals are coming in hot after upsetting the Packers at home - complete with Chad Ochocinco's Lambeau Leap. (youtube, via blacksportsonline. Warning: Rude gestures in the background.) Who knows. I'm taking Pittsburgh, but by less than one might think.

Cleveland @ Baltimore: the Browns are a mess. Team chemistry is suffering as cacaphony erupts in the locker room and Mangini irritates the team into filing grievances.(ESPN) Currently without two offensive linemen and Jamal Lewis, whom my friend Judy describes as "the only one who can score," they come up against Baltimore, who eeked out the high-voltage Chargers last week and continue to put up solid defense. Additionally, the Browns have not scored an offensive touchdown since...uh...since...Good heavens, I can't remember. Baltimore by at least 10. 

Washington @ Detroit: Neither team seems to be able to get it started offensively. Detroit rookie QB Matt Stafford has thrown one touchdown and five picks; whereas Washington has scored one offensive touchdown all season (and one by their punter.) Second and One predicts a 0-0 tie, ending in the final overtime with Washington missing a field goal.

Chicago @ Seattle: Matt Hasselbeck is not expected to even dress for the game today. While backup Seneca Wallace is fairly athletic, nobody knows what TJ Houshmandzadeh is actually doing for the Seahawks yet. The Bears are wound up on adrenaline after besting the Steelers last week, proving that their defense is still cohesive without MLB Brian Urlacher. On the other hand, the Seahawks prove to be one of the stingiest pass defenses in the league, having not allowed a passing touchdown this season. Thenagain, they've played St. Louis and San Francisco. The Bears' receiver core, consisting thus far of Earl Bennett, Devin Hester, and rookie Johnny Knox, is beginning to gel, however, and could be the team to break this streak, possibly using RB Matt Forte as both running back and option guy. I'll pick the Bears. 

New Orleans @ Buffalo: The Buffalo Bills are ranked 31st in pass defense this season so far. Drew Brees is flying so hot that he'll burn up if he ever re-enters the atmosphere. This is all we need to know. Too easy. Next.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: The Fighting Nucleophiles, official Fantasy Team of 2ndand1, got annihilated last week. Quick: Do I start Boss or Celek at tight end?

As it seems I'm out of time now, analysis to come later.

*Looking at the way FSU was manhandled, I'd say the latter...

**Another Mini Soliloquy O' Science: One Angstrom (A) is defined as one ten-billionth of a meter. For comparative purposes, most bonds between atoms are between one and two Angstroms. 

Week 2!

Before I get to the rest of the news: The Bears beat the Steelers! The Bears beat the Steelers! Even without Urlacher and Polamalu, both teams played spectacular defense. Both teams looked solid offensively - Cutler and Company did not turn the ball over once. The lynchpin: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed* missed two field goals, setting up the Monsters of the Midway with good field position and just enough time on the clock to march back down the field, where Robbie Gould's golden right foot booted it through the uprights for the win. And the game ended with a Steelers fumble! Absolute perfection.

I nearly had a total coronary watching this game at home. I seriously thought I was going to croak in front of the TV set. And I can imagine it now: they would find my body two days later. Still clad in my Bears jersey, my arms would be fixed above my head by rigor mortis, signaling that indeed, even though I had gone to the great blogosphere in the sky, Gould's kick was still good!

"We did it! We did it! OMG! We did it!" "Um. Robbie. People are staring." Source: Chicago Tribune.

Punter v. Scoreboard, Redux: Man, did the Giants rain on the inaugural parade down in Dallas or what? Tony Romo threw three interceptions and finished with a quarterback rating of 29.6, compared to Eli Manning's 110.6! But nevermind the stats: the big item on everyone's mind was the scoreboard.  My friend and I put the over-under on "number of footballs to hit the thing" at 2, I took the under, and was right. According to NBC, who loves it almost as much as Jerry Jones does, the scoreboard is 90 feet in the air, so one would have to kick really high in order to hit it, and perhaps AJ Trapasso's controversial doink was a fluke. Still. It'll be amusing to hear the whole crowd gasp whenever someone goes 3-and-out in the place. 

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Random stat o' the day: In his first two NFL games of the season, Drew Brees has thrown nine touchdowns. The Saints have scored a combined 93 points on Detroit and Philadelphia. What are they going to do to Buffalo?

Anyway, more to come later, perhaps college news/scores? I've been terribly delinquent in updating!

*Was he drunk? In need of a towel dispenser to vandalize? Upset because more pictures of his nether regions were on the internet? 

Serendipity!

I never thought I'd see the day where obsessing about football at work would actually do me some good. I've had numerous Monday mornings where I have slogged into my laboratory and proceeded to rant to the nearest co-worker about how my team(s) completely blew a game over the weekend. "Why didn't they onside kick?!" I furiously foam at the mouth, "Why didn't they go for it on 4th and 2?" Most of my colleagues simply tune it out so it is approximately on par with yelling at a mailbox, but occasionally one of them will pipe up "Yeah. I agree. They shouldn't have punted."

The leader of my research group is a very understanding and generous fellow (and a football fan himself). He does not mind my disjointed rambling and adornment with various team regalia, and more than tolerates my annual pilgrimages to Soldier Field. Anyway, he found himself in a situation today. He holds season tickets to see the Football Team at the Large University Where I Work. As he cannot attend this weekend's long-anticipated rivalry showdown, he decided to give his tickets to the one person in the group who has proved him/herself the greatest gridiron goon: yours truly. 

And these are obscenely good seats, on the 45-yard line, with comfy seat backs, across from the press-box. So the brains behind Second and One will spend this Saturday evening under the lights, surrounded by alumni who make about five times my salary per annuum,  and I will thoroughly enjoy myself. 

Fans: Show your spirit at work. You never know where it might get you!

Full weekend recap to come later.

The Great Below

NFL opening weekend! 

First, the Lions prove that they still cannot get anything started offensively. It's like watching a car stalling, whereupon the team proceeds to get out and push. Rookie QB Matt Stafford threw a craptacular three interceptions, while Drew Brees, leading the New Orleans Scoring Machines, continues to make us all question if he is really human, throwing six touchdowns. I propose someone should make a Saints Drinking Game: Whenever Brees throws a touchdown, drink a Boilermaker in honor of his alma mater. Of course, by the third quarter, you'd be so pie-eyed you won't remember who's playing, and Second and One reminds you to never drive drunk, for not only legal and safety reasons, but for fear of looking like Detroit on offense.

***

The weekend was not without its share of absurd plays and outright miracles. First, the Denver Broncos prove that the Football Gods have embarrassed them enough with the McDaniels/Cutler/Shanahan/Cassel/Whoever Else debacle, and down against Cincinnati with seconds remaining, Orton threw a deep pass which was tipped by a Cincy defender, directly into the hands of Brandon Stokley, who ran it 87 yards for the score, stopping to jog outside the end zone to shave seconds off the clock. Ladies and Gentlemen: we have a new candidate for Immaculate Reception! See it here (NFL), along with CBS' Gus Johnson just about having a coronary in the booth! The collective tears of the Bengals after this fluke could've literally put the Mile High City under water. 

The best trick play of the weekend goes to the Washington Redskins, who were shut out by seventeen at the half with about thirty seconds left before heading to the locker room. Shaun Suisham lined up for a field goal, but a genius fake resulted, where Suisham pretended to kick, and punter Hunter Smith, holding for Suisham, ran the ball into the end zone. Wow! (youtube) How often do you get to see a punter spike the ball in celebration? Nice work, 'Skins! 

Sunday, sadly, was a very disappointing day for us Bears fans, however. Bears/Packers football is always ridiculously entertaining and ridiculously nerve-wracking, but I don't even know where to start with this game: it was a classic, NFC central defensive showdown: both quarterbacks failed from approximately eighteen different directions. Cutler, in his debut as a Bear, threw four interceptions (beaten only by Jake Delhomme's four interceptions and a fumble). Rodgers was repeatedly folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield by the Bears' aggressive defense, and found it difficult to concentrate with DE Adewale Ogunleye in his face every snap. The Packers' D itself made an amazing showing, switching from 3-4 zone formations to solid man coverage effortlessly. 

Congrats, Brian Urlacher: You played approximately 1/60 of the season! Get well soon! (dunno source).

Where the Bears really suffered was on the offensive side of the ball. Did the offense forget the game was at Lambeau and not Soldier field? Cutler, growing increasingly frustrated with his poor performance, lost his accuracy. Receivers didn't run their routes completely, or stood around doing absolutely nothing. Seemingly, and bewilderingly, Cutler also suffered a massive disconnect from tight end Greg Olsen, his close friend and one of his favorite targets. I'm not entirely sure where the disconnect was, but they were not seeing eye-to-eye in the huddle, and Olsen had one touch the entire game. Was it simply that the Packers watched so many preseason tapes that they decided to practically paint Olsen green the whole game? The twelve-year-olds that run this blog, however, have another theory: Olsen and Cutler are simply really getting tired of the gay jokes, which are all over the football blogosphere.* Additionally, sportswriters are fueling it by repeatedly penning mooshy gooshy bilge about this particular QB and TE, not leaving much to the imagination. (Chicago Tribune. Warning: it's safe for work, but really nauseating, and is best not read whilst eating.) What next, we get to hear about Brad Maynard and Robbie Gould's slumber parties? Do they paint each others' nails and have pillow fights in their nighties? Are the Bears jut the real life equivalent of the London Sillynannies?

The agony didn't stop there. On 4th down in their own territory, center Olin Kreutz and long snapper Patrick Mannelly decided to automatic a fake punt for purposes of capturing a twelfth man on the field, a la Peyton Manning. Of course, the play failed, there was no 12th man on the field, Chicago lost the challenge, and Bears fans collectively face-planted into the floor. I was watching this from my friend's incredibly hot second-floor apartment, in pitch blackness, sweating and cursing and cradling my head in my hands. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever anger God/the gods/the powers that be enough to merit being sent to hell/the underworld/the Arena Football League that this is how I will spend my eternal damnation: nauseated, overheating, eyestrained into next Sunday, and watching the Bears choke away the lead in high definition.

To add insult to injury (or rather, to add injury to insult), fan-beloved Chicago MLB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a severely dislocated wrist, presumably from tacking GB RB Ryan Grant in the first half of Sunday night's travesty. It did not look like a serious injury to those watching, but then again, if anyone is going to run off the field screaming in pain, it's not Urlacher. Those more medically inclined than I can read the gory details here.  In the absence of Urlacher, Hunter Hillenmeyer will step up at the middle position, but I believe the damage runs much deeper: in addition to being a good linebacker with a propensity for absolutely ringing the bells of those he tackles, Urlacher spearheads the defense, acting as both captain and motivational speaker. Will the D now stand for "disorganized?" "Well," as my dad lamented yesterday, "so much for winning the division!"

The Bears' defense, sans Brian Urlacher. Source: Kim Grossman, Jpegmag.

It is not all sturm and drang, however: The Fighting Nucleophiles**, official fantasy team of Second and One, won their first game, starring Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker, and Devin Hester as a strong receiver core.  

Remember kids: that which doesn't kill you only makes you tackle harder next time.

*Cris Collinsworth, you did not help this. 

**Mini Soliloquy O' Science: A "nucleophile" is any chemical species that possesses lots of electrons, and thus, an affinity for the nucleus of an atom. The reactions of nucleophiles are often very violent, ergo, "fighting."

Weekend O' Upsets

And now, a series of Gregg Easterbrook-esque snippets on college football: my thoughts are far too disjointed to write an actual, cohesive narrative. Today on Second and One: Offsides, Onsides, and Suicides!

Another One Bites the Dust: Keeping with the tradition of teams from Oklahoma puffing up like dignified, defensive toads and then being simply swallowed alive, Oklahoma State (No. 5) got drop-kicked by the Houston Cougars, 45-35, as QB Case Keenum and RB Bryce Beall, in a stunning display of what might be called Kamikaze insanity by some and sheer, picture-perfect bravado by others, went for it on 4th down, followed by a interception return for a touchdown. The rest of us were surprised to know that there is a college in Houston besides Rice: the last time these guys upset anyone ranked was 1984. Shock and Awe in Stillwater! (Nifty facts courtesy of ESPN).

That'll Teach You to Jump Offsides: Anybody here ever heard of the butterfly effect? I don't mean the Ashton Kutcher movie: I mean that principle where something seemingly very small has an enormous impact on future events. The name comes from the proposition that a butterfly could flap its wings in one part of the world and eventually cause a cyclone on the other. Yesterday's case in chaos theory: the Michigan State Spartans. Battling long-time rival CMU and quarterback Dan LeFevour (who would be a star behind a West-Coast O-line)*, the Spartans threw for a touchdown approximately halfway through the fourth quarter. LeFevour and Company answered back rapidly, effortlessly pounding it into the end zone to bring the score to 27-26. In hopes of firing a shot across the bow of all of East Lansing, LeFevour decided to go for two, but an incomplete pass silenced the deuce conversion. (c/o cmuchippewas.com) Down by one, the Chips recover a textbook onside kick and roll over the Spartan secondary on quick pass plays to get into field goal range. MSU calls two time-outs to ice kicker Andrew Aguila, who shanks it wide of the uprights from 47 yards out. The stands at Spartan Stadium were poised to collapse from celebration, when someone noticed the penalty flag: MSU had jumped offsides. Now five yards closer, Aguila drilled it through with three seconds left. Everything went deathly quiet.

...If there is a more traumatic experience college football experience than this, man, I would love to hear about it. Collapsing massively because of a penalty, at home, in a game you're supposed to win? This is pretty much the football equivalent of being rabbit-punched. If one penalty now causes the momentum-sensitive Spartans suffer a mortifying collapse as they have before (known in vernacular as Spartan Syndrome), the Lorenz Butterfly has made its effect. 

While the soup is probably hitting the fan up in East Lansing, the faithful hope it is a fluke. 

"But Gosh." A dejected MSU fan later told Second and One, "I just hate losing to the directional Michigan schools."

Truly Special Special Teams, 1: The Oregon Ducks, in their ugly win over Purdue, proved that even something as simple as returning a kick can be difficult when it seems you've spent all of the off-season coloring in the playbook. Oregon committed a staggering five special teams penalties in the first half: two holding, two illegal blocks, and even roughed up the kicker for good measure. Following the fifth penalty, they finally just decided to run out of bounds on returns rather than tainting their reputation with even more violence! Who'd ever think that a team named after aquatic birds could be violent? To quote the kid from Mighty Ducks on their namesake: "They're wimpy! They don't even have teeth!"

Run up the Score, much? Yesterday certainly had its share of delicious, delicious cupcake chomping: Florida won by 50, BYU by 51**, Cal by 52, Oklahoma by 64, and Cincy by an astonishing 67 points, proving that like the Romans, football fans still like watching people get killed for fun. Bill Belichick, watching at home, rubbed his hands together and salivated greedily.

Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis love these even more than most coaches. Source: Me. I made these cupcakes. Seriously. You may now proceed to drool. And what's this? A football blogger making cupcakes? KILL THE HERETIC!

Shoot the Officials: With seconds remaining in the Purdue/Oregon contest, Purdue found themselves down by two after a failed two-point attempt, following a blocked extra point earlier in the game. Carson Wiggs attempted to onside kick, and a huge jumble ensued when approximately ten people jumped on the ball, which bounced around and popped out. It was hideous to watch, not unlike how rescue workers have to sort through wreckage following some terrible accident to untangle the bodies. I have no idea who touched the thing first. It appears Oregon touched it, but dropped it, and Purdue came up with it, or vice-versa, or something, but the officials instantly ruled Oregon had possession and, as they said for Purdue, "turn out the lights, the party's over." Why wasn't this play reviewed?

Time for a Second and One Rulebook: 

a) For an onside kick to be recoverable by the kicking team, it must travel ten yards. For all kicks, a ball is live once it travels ten yards past from where it was kicked. An onside kick is just a kick biased toward the kicking team, but it is a kick, nonetheless, and needs to go ten yards. 

b) Unless, of course, someone on the receiving team touches it.

c) However, if that player somehow loses possession of the ball, it can be recovered, just like a fumble.

This particular play raises a myriad of questions: A) did the ball go ten yards? B) If not, in the ensuing scrum, who fell on it? C) If Oregon fell on it and dropped it, as it certainly appears, isn't this a fumble? If there's the possibility of someone fumbling, shouldn't the play be reviewed to determine if anyone was actually down? I'm not saying, of course, that Purdue, with their three turnovers, didn't deserve to lose the game. But when a play is so egregiously messy that someone like me has to write concise, alphabetized premises to try and understand why it is at least half-a-dozen players are waving their hands and signaling that they recovered the ball at any given moment, it merits a closer look.

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: At OSU, USC lined up to punt in the third quarter from deep in their own territory. A botched snap flew over the punter's head and zoomed out the end zone, leading to a safety. The resulting return by the Buckeyes lead to another three points. Fail.

Taken earlier this week at the practice fields at USC, secret pictures from the inside show the Men of Troy as they practice kicking. Source: approximately everywhere on the internet.

What Clock Management? The Notre Dame-UM contest was highly anticipated. RichRod fought to not look like a weasel and Charlie Weis fought to not have his team personally condemned by the Pope if they choke another season away. Ignoring the obvious fact that both teams have no secondaries, Michigan's Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier is hot stuff right now. He's running it in, he's passing it in, he's even punting. In other news, I didn't know the Punt, Pass, and Kick contest had a 15-18 year old bracket! With three minutes left in the 4th, Charlie Weis and his Apostles, up by 3, decide they want to cement the win. What should one do in this situation? (Hint, the answer is "run and bleed the clock"). What does ND do? Run for no gain. Second down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Third down, Clausen drops back, incomplete pass. Why are you throwing the ball? Especially when you follow it with a short, 29-yard punt, setting up Michigan with prime real estate for the two-minute drill. Forcier then forced his way into the end zone for the win.

That's all for now! Remember kids: if you think the only cupcakes and turnovers are in the bakery, you're probably asleep on Saturdays.

*LeFevour now leads the MAC in total offensive yards. MSU fans would like to keep thinking that LeFevour is simply what comes before LeSwineFlu.

**Beating a dead horse like this doesn't seem the most Christian thing to do.

National Fail League

I hope everyone enjoyed kickoff on Thursday Night, it was a good game! In the spirit of fireworks and fanfares, I have compiled a list of NFL 2009 Firsts!

First Absolutely Spectacular Defensive Play: I am convinced that in his past life, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was a physicist. Polamalu had six tackles in the first half, including the first, where he flew out of the backfield to plaster RB Chris Johnson, demonstrating inertia (as in, what happens when a bug hits a freight train?) Other perfectly-executed Newtonian hits from the primary of the Steelers' secondary include that on the left, (c/o Yahoo), in which LenDale white regrets losing 40 lbs prior to this season. But Polamalu's antics hadn't ended there: at 1:50 remaining in the first quarter, Kerry Collins threw deep downfield, where Polamalu flew seemingly out of nowhere to make the pick with one hand, earning the titular honor.  You can see here (Ballhype) as Professor Polamalu demonstrates some fine calculation of trajectory. 

First Spectacular Defensive Fail: However, Polamalu's successes were short lived, as he then demonstrated two penalties, and on a later blocked kick by Rob Bironas, sprained his MCL and is estimated to be out for 4-6 weeks, proving that all players featured on the cover of a Madden Game are cursed. Other cursed players include Shaun Alexander, who broke his foot, Michael Vick, who went to the slammer, and Brett Favre, who now has to play for the Vikings, wear purple, and get laughed out of the dome. We're still waiting for the statement from Larry Fitzgerald. 

First Sick Sack: Roethlisburger, feeling pressure under center on a 3rd and 2, simply ran backwards, spun out of a few attempts, and was eventually drilled (NFL.com) by Jason Jones for a loss of 19 yards. The Titans sacked Big Ben three times (or was it four), prompting this question: If a quarterback is planted, will his intellect grow? 

First Announcing Faux Pas: Cris Collinsworth is proving that he opens his mouth only to change feet. For example, in the preseason Chicago/Denver contest, Collinsworth was mindlessly chatting about tight end Greg Olsen, his wife, and Jay Cutler, when he let slip a gaffe that turned on everyone's innuendo filter. You can watch it over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. (Warning: This is such a double entendre that it's practically a single entendre. Also, all of KSK is not safe for work or little ones!). On Thursday night, Collinsworth was at it again, stating that a given quarterback (if I remember correctly) had "gone inside the tight end." Whoops. What exactly had he meant? "Gone inside FOR the tight end?" Gone inside WITH the tight end? Why is it that everything dirty in football has to do with tight ends? I know. I'm twelve. But so is Collinsworth, and everyone watching him. Q.E.D.*

In a related topic, my friend Jess has asked me to comment on why it is that announcers get off on talking about things other than football during a football game (e.g. topical political humor, military nonsense, plugs for shows or movies). It's like those DirecTV commercials (or whoever): Santonio Holmes just pounded 'er into the end zone in some ridiculous fashion and got you 19 fantasy points, and you missed it because the announcers were yakking?! Second and One's straight answer: They do it for the same reason people chase people they have no intention of marrying, and the same reason why dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving: because they can. Perhaps the most interesting bit of commentator flotsam from the Steelers/Titans game: apparently LenDale white was able to lose weight by "going off tequila." And apparently, the San Diego DA's office has done the same for Shawne Merriman. (ESPN/AP). 

***

Finally, there is now a job opening for a groundskeeper at Soldier Field. (Deadspin) An auxiliary crew for our favorite Monsters of the Midway has hopefully not set a premonition for the 2009 season - by painting the team's logo on the 45-yard line instead of at standard midfield. Apparently the Bears hired these people (MIStupid). 

Or maybe these people. Fortunately, the Bears open at Lambeau field tomorrow and all embarrassment will come from the team itself.

Stay tuned for college ball updates!

*If anyone reading knows what was meant here, or whether "goes inside the tight end" is actually proper language (and I'm just grossly ignorant) - please tell me!

And Now To the Pros...we think.

Happy Labor Day, everyone! First, blog housekeeping: I have lightened the background to charcoal grey, as several people have noted it as being significantly less contrast-y and offensive on the eyes than black. Also, now that football season is underway, I plan to update 2ndand1 at least thrice per week, work schedule permitting. Special editions, such as Playbook and Whiteboard O' Wisdom, (or anything with a title alliteratively formatted "_____ O' _____") will be really whenever I can. 

Now, to wrap up this wacky opening college weekend!

a) Did anyone see Iowa/NIU? Iowa lead by 1 at the end, and the NIU Panthers lined up to kick from 40 yards out. Iowa blocked it, as over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans sighed in relief. The officials then determined that the ball did not cross the line of scrimmage.  With one second on the clock, NIU lines up for a second, 41-yard attempt, and promptly has it blocked again. Over 70,000 Hawkeyes fans then nearly stomped Kinnick Stadium to the ground in overjoyed relief, as Kirk Ferentz narrowly avoided choking on a cupcake. For anyone who cares to read the gory details, USA Today has them up.

b) Notre Dame wins 35-0 against Nevada. According to a friend who was at said game, WR Michael Floyd had 4 catches for 189 yards and 3 td. Freaky deep passes by Jimmy Clausen. My response to this was not "holy cats!" but actually, "They have football in Nevada?"

c) With three ticks remaining before the half in the Boilers' unabashed trouncing of the Toledo Rockets, Purdue sophomore Carson Wiggs booted one between the uprights from 59 yards, breaking the record for the longest field goal at Purdue.* That's fifty-nine yards, folks, and when one actually stands on a football field and looks how far 59 yards is, it seems that Wiggs literally kicked a field goal from the state line. Unfortunately, I can't find a video of it anywhere, but take my word for it: this wasn't one of those kicks that eeks over the crossbar or doinks the uprights. Wiggs would've been good from 70 yards out. In other news, Wiggs is scheduled to next practice kicking from the concession stands, and the Boilermakers are phasing out this thing called "punting."

d) The OU Sooners had a terrible night, falling to BYU by a single point. On top of it, Sam Bradford's shoulder is demolished by a grade 2-3 sprain, leaving the Heisman winner out indefinitely, and Choklahoma's record of having the wheels flying off their covered wagon in big games intact.

***

Moving to the NFL, it was reported this morning that Chargers OLB Shawne Merriman has been accused of restraining and choking his acquaintance/friend/girlfriend, singer and reality TV star Tila Tequila. (ESPN) early this morning, meaning that, if this joke hasn't already been made ad infinitum, postseason games aren't the only thing the Chargers choke. Tequila wasn't seriously injured, and can go back to gyrating on MTV, or whatever it is she does. The story appears to be "he said-she-said": Tequila (real name: Tila Nguyen) claims she was choked and held against her will while intoxicated (obviously, too much of her namesake.) Merriman and attorneys seem to imply that Shawne was attempting to prevent Miss Nguyen-Tequila from driving drunk. Is this a miscommunication? She's a model, he's a linebacker: if it is true, isn't this excessive force?  Geez. What ever happened to taking away the bottle and then taking away the keys?

In other news, Brett Favre also finds himself in trouble after throwing a crackback block against Houston DB Eugene Wilson in the Vikings' third preseason game (AP/ESPN). In a Wildcat formation, Favre lined up as a receiver, and subsequently low-blocked Wilson around the knees. Wilson had to be taken off the field, and Favre was fined $10,000 for the cheap-shot. Seriously, Brett? I mean, seriously? And while having suspected rib fractures? With this kind of bravado (or maybe blind stupidity), maybe Favre should be running back punts. Regardless, it's not helping his image, especially because Favre has not even apologized to Wilson for steamrolling him. 

And last but not least, final player cuts are out (sportingnews): notable roster-parings include Giants WR David Tyree (who can catch anything, but not a WR position, apparently), and Vikings backup John David Booty, who loses this round of Quarterback Musical Chairs. Additionally, Joey Harrington is no longer a Saint (my wager is that he ends up back with the Lions), and Brian Russell is no longer a Sinner (for the Seahawks' secondary, that is).

And one final shoutout: My father, a great man and my favorite partner in over-the-phone, long-distance armchair quarterbacking, turns sixty years old today. Happy Birthday Dad! Thanks for putting up with my football nuttery!

Remember kids: Next weekend the NFL kicks off. No matter what your religion, thou must honor the sabbath and keep holy the first down.

*Which was 53 yards. Also set by Carson Wiggs. Darnit, this kid can kick.

Here we go!

This weekend (as in, the period between Thursday and Monday) marks the start of the 2009 college football season. As I do live near a major university (as in, one of the ones you can see playing on television in a major conference), there is a football stadium which I pass on my morning commute. And yesterday, they were testing the scoreboard, which really hit home that there is going to be an actual game this weekend. I was excited all day, to say the very least. I was so excited about college ball starting I could barely sleep last night, turning over and over, my mind pondering such deep, philosophical questions as "will Virginia Tech pound Nick Saban and Company harder than one hammering in a goalpost?" 

But it's nice to see I'm not alone: some of my friends have returned to their alma maters in the holiest of sports pilgrimages, and even our resident mass spectroscopist (a diehard University of Nebraska fan) has returned to commune with the Cornhuskers rather than analyze noxious substances we've cooked up in the laboratory. Now here is a man who has his priorities straight!

Of course, one might wonder why I haven't done such a thing myself, to which I answer this: My alma mater's entire football team is generally so bad that they couldn't coach a football onto the kickoff tee. 

***

The hullaballoo up at Michigan continues. Names of some of the players who blew the whistle are being released, and Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman has launched a formal investigation into the matter, hiring Gene Marsh, the former chairman of the NCAA's infractions board, to assist. President Coleman's statement can be found here. (ESPN). And things are now getting even messier for our friends the Wolverines. In addition to the friction over the NCAA violation, it was revealed Thursday that one of Coach Rodriguez's business partners, a fellow from Clemson (were RichRod was an offensive coordinator), has been indicted on five counts of fraud. (Gory Details c/o the Detroit Free Press) The details are too good to pass up: Rodriguez and this dubious guy were involved in a failed condominium development where they defaulted on a loan and were later all sued for a substantial sum of money. In addition, Rodriguez's friend was charged with theft of a large, undisclosed chunk of change from his business to finance home decoration and cosmetic surgery. No, you cannot make this stuff up. I wonder how deep this Mess in Michigan goes. Was the NCAA turning the other way? Was Jimmy Hoffa involved? JFK and Elvis? Vampire Communists? 9-11? The Committee to Re-Elect the President? Additional reactions around the blogosphere to the Accusations in Ann Arbor can be found here. (Detroit Free Press).  

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Also from Detroit, it has been announced that the Motor City Bowl (generally considered a traditional holiday activity by Michigan State and Central Michigan fans) has been re-named the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl (Reuters),* as the auto manufacturers no longer have enough money to purchase bowl tickets, let alone sponsor a bowl game. Second and One suggests the following names may be more appropriate, however:

Apocalyptic Death Bowl

Robocop Bowl

Big Three Bailout Bowl

Where's Our Stimulus Money Bowl

CMU Chippewas Versus Whoever Bowl

Dominos Bread Pasta Bowl

Another nail in the coffin for Detroit, sadly. Plans to re-name Ford Field "Taco Bell Stadium" are now underway. 

***

And now for another food/football crossover: around the rest of the college universe, I saw Indiana University open vs. Eastern Kentucky on Thursday night. The game was mostly slop and error, ending on a failed Hail Mary by EKU, who actually looked pretty convincing. Keep in mind that IU finished 3-9 last season, ending by giving up 62 points against bloodthirsty rival Purdue, whom, despite playing like they were 10-2, were actually 4-8. Anyway, IU now continues on next week against the menacing Akron Zips, whatever those are. They sound like candy one might get at the movie theater. 

Readers are waiting for the food bit. I was more amused that all of the game's coverage was sponsored by Velveeta and Ro-Tel (purveyor of spices and salsa). I think they ought to make this a regular occurrence. Does anyone hear a Salsa con Queso Bowl? Or maybe, since they were playing Eastern Kentucky, whose mascot is nothing more than a suave-looking Colonel Sanders, a KFC bowl?

 

***

Outside of the Big Ten, Oregon (No. 16) executed the Single Worst Opening Weekend Game I've ever seen, as they skittered around aimlessly on the Smurf Turf at Boise State. Their drives for the first half were as follows: Third and out, third and out, third and out, third and out, LeGarrette Blount getting pushed back into the end zone for a safety, false start, third and out. The Ducks were stuffed over and over, did not get a first down until there were seven minutes remaining in the third quarter, and ended down by eleven points. Fail. The cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck? Blount, no doubt incensed over the subsequent roasting of the stuffed Ducks, found himself afterwards on the receiving end of a slap in the pads by Boise State defensive end Byron Hout. Blount promptly decked Hout in the jaw, and had to be restrained by police and hauled off the field. The graphic extracurriculars (warning: it's really not pretty) can be seen courtesy of ESPN. As a result, Blount has been banned for the rest of the season, thus ending his tenure at Oregon, and the Ducks are looking awfully lame. Well-played, LeGarrette!

To come later: news from around the NFL. Time to go watch some football! Remember kids: if you're 4th and 12 repeatedly, that's exactly what your season record is going to be. 

*I didn't even know Little Caesars Pizza still existed, to be honest, as I haven't eaten Little Caesars since before I was in college, which now feels like approximately since the Devonian Era.