Extra Points, Part III

I haven't written a comprehensive entry in several weeks. So: here is hodgepodge of NFL weeks 13-15 and some bonus college content.

Sour as Sour Patch Kids: Second and One officially petitions the Valero Alamo Bowl to change its name to the Everyone Is Suspended Bowl. Just weeks after Michigan State announced the dismissal of two players and the suspension of another eight nine ten, the Texas Tech Red Raiders (whom the Spartans are playing in said bowl) announced the suspension of head coach Mike Leach over allegations that he locked an injured wide receiver in an electrical closet for hours on end. (ESPN)* To say the very least, the accusations are shocking. With the collective crimes committed by these two teams, they should have instead played in the Detroit Big Three Bailout Motor City Pizza Pizza Bowl: I noted earlier that Detroit is still the country's most violent city. 

Completely Sick Play of the Week: In the Bears' glorious, heinously nail-bitey overtime upset of the NFC North-leading Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres, Jay Cutler, on the first snap of the Bears' third overtime possession, passed deep right against the blitz to Devin Aromashodu for 39 yards and the game-winning score. Aromashodu (also known as "that guy nobody wanted, probably because his name is too hard to pronounce") had veteran Pro Bowl corner Antoine Winfield beat by at least three yards on the final play - the safeties were nowhere to be found in the picture. This game gave me (and my father) approximately six different kinds of heart attack. 

And this happens every year! I come home for Christmas, and the first Bears game we watch (as we didn't get the depressing Baltimore contest due to bad weather and overlapping market rules) almost always requires the usage of an emergency defibrillator. Last year it was the Bears/Packers showdown, where the Bears played atrociously but blocked two field goals and still won the game, and the year before it was a similar contest, complete with Brian Urlacher intercepting a pass, running it back 93 yards to the house, and then keeling over in the end zone and needing oxygen - does anyone remember this?! 

More holiday capitalism: Yes. This is a real product. Vikes tickets: $150. The Vikings folding chair: $60. Getting to see Minnesota collapsing either way: Priceless. Source: sportsauthority.

Amusing Announcing, Part 1: During halftime on Monday Night, Chris Berman reviewed the Colts' decision to rest Peyton Manning and friends, who were forced to simmer on the sidelines as rookie backup QB Curtis Painter fumbled away the game. "He's no Rembrandt!" Breman remarked, "More like a finger painter!" More notorious puns from notable names: Fox announcers, in talking about Tampa Bay return man Michael Spurlock's 106-yard kickoff return, felt the need to distinguish him from Morgan Spurlock, of Super Size Me fame. 

Truly Special Special Teams: Just before recess in the Redskins/Giants contest, the 'Skins were trailing by 24 points. There are two seconds on the clock before the break. You are Jim Zorn; what do you do?

a) Try and get the ball in the end zone at all cost, even if you are are 4th and 60 and the attempt might fail horribly.

b) Be conservative - kick for three to avoid being shut out at halftime;

c) Look through your playbook, find the trick play that has the greatest chance of embarrassing your team, that one play that everyone and their cat knows will fail - and try it anyway and hope you still have your job by the end of the game?

The Redskins lined up for a field goal, and it became very evident that there was trickery afoot when one half of the offensive line whipped outside in a "swinging gate" formation, leaving punter Hunter Smith to stand under center. This formation is sometimes used for two-point conversions (if I remember correctly), because if it blows up, a lineman can take a handoff. The G-men smelled foul play and called a timeout. Washington came out and promptly ran the same fake again. We knew everything in Washington is bumbling and inefficient, but what, they didn't think Big Blue would be prepared for it? End result? Smith heave-hoed the ball into a gaggle of Giants, where it was intercepted and run back to midfield. Oi vey. (youtube) 

Messiest Series Ever, Bonus Bowl Edition: The University of North Carolina Tar Heels, squaring off against the Pitt Panthers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, were first and goal on the five in the first quarter. The 'Heels then committed two consecutive illegal formation penalties, one of which negated a touchdown pass because one of the tight ends did not line up on the line of scrimmage. After a short pass play, UNC faced second-and goal from the Pitt 7, when QB T.J. Yates was flushed from the pocket and nailed. At the last second, he tossed the ball forward, which did not make it to the line, and the 'Heels were backed up another 8 yards for intentional grounding. Now third and goal on the 15 and eager to avenge their frustrating series, Yates heaved the ball to Greg Little for the touchdown. Little, in his celebrations, punted the ball into the stands and was immediately flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Aye caramba! 

Amusing Announcing, Part 2: During the Redskins/Giants blowout on MNF in Week 14, you could almost hear the men in the booth wince as Giants pass-rushers blew through the Native Americans' porous offensive line and repeatedly pounded Jason Campbell to the turf. "These are not sacks," one announcer quipped, "these are car wrecks."

Confucius says: Redskins QB who is pummeled repeatedly becomes Campbell's soup. Source: Macon Daily, Reuters.

Obligatory (Last) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It did not end well. After I staged six (seven?) consecutive nucleophilic attacks, my league commissioner (whose identity remains secret, or is perhaps just a very complicated semi-stochastic algorithm) snubbed the 9-5 Fighting Nucleophiles, the official fantasy team of Second and One, out of the playoffs. I won't get into my suitably acrimonious and slanderous collection o' theories for why this happened, but ahead of me was seeded an 8-6 team (whom I defeated), and a girl who was 9-5, whom I swept soundly in divisional play. Of course, as FFB is part luck, whining about this is as effective as whining about losing in poker - it happens, and there's not a darn thing anyone can do. Not all was lost, however: The Nukes finished with a convincing winning record, and, with the second most-difficult schedule in our uber-deep league, finished tied for first in divisional records (I was 5-1 in my division, people!) and tied for third in power rankings. Plus, had I made the playoffs, I likely would have blown it in the opening round when I started the wrong tight end. Or something. 

Remember kids: Confucius says: Vikes who lose to Jay Cutler have been deep-sixed. 

*EDIT: 3:10 PM. Sources now confirm that Leach has been fired, and now there is talk of lawsuits. It just keeps getting better. 

Happy Holidays from 2ndand1!

I am enjoying the celebration of Christmas with my family - regular posting resumes in several days once everyone has recovered. 

This year, football-related gifts were exchanged at my house: I received two hoodies (a nice Bears one* and one for my favorite college team) from my parents, and a Nerf football from my dad- because there is an immutable law of presents that states every kid must get a football on Christmas morning. I gave my dad, in return, the Sports Spectacular edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. "Because I actually read these things in the bathroom" he stated upon receiving it. And I gave my mom new pot-holders for the kitchen. "Because I really like pot-holders." She said. 

Hope everyone scored this holiday season.

*Which is cozy and currently provides more coverage than the Bears' defense.

Extra Points, Part II

This joke is an oldie but a goodie; original source unknown:

Momma Bear and Poppa Bear are getting a divorce, and Baby Bear ends up in family court, where the judge deliberates over his custody.

"I will send you to live with Momma Bear." The judge says. 

"No!" Baby Bear pleads, "I don't want to live with her. She's mean and beats me!"

"Hm..." Replies the judge, "I shall send you to live with Poppa Bear then."

"No!" Replies Baby Bear, "Poppa's awful angry, and he beats me too!"

After thinking for several seconds, the judge has his solution. He bangs his gavel.

"You will live with the Chicago Bears." The judge quips, "They can't beat anybody."

Videospam!

Two questions stemming from yesterday's games:

1. What, at 0:07 into this video, is Aaron Rodgers doing in his touchdown celebration? (NFL, click on Rodgers Runs It In.)

a) Showing off his, erm, rushing ability to the fans;

b) Metaphorically saying he's "belting" the Steelers;

c) Solstice-appropriate fertility ritual;

d) Let's do the time warp again...

2. What, exactly, is the best headline for what happened to Raiders' defensive tackle Tommy Kelly? (Youtube)

a) Denver lost their shirt, Oakland lost their pants;

b) The Raiders haven't seen a you-know-what this big since Jon Gruden was coach;

c) Poor coverage;

d) Tommy, that's Devin Hester on line two; 

e) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Rear;

f) At least he's not the defensive end.

More to come...

Holiday Picks!

Of course, there will be other entries after this in the coming days, but we (I) here at Second and One wish everyone a Merry Christmas, even if you don't celebrate said holiday. 

I have returned to my parents' house for some much-needed R & R, communion with the homeland, my mom's cooking, and, of course, watching football with my dad, an activity that will begin at 1PM EST today. So, without any additional preamble, here are Second and One's picks of the week:

Oakland @ Denver: Oakland is one of these really weird teams. They stink worse than a fish market in July, but once and a while, they pop up to spoil the fun for someone who is desperately trying to make a playoff run. They Beat both the Eagles and the floundering Steelers, but unfortunately have now lost their new starting QB Bruce Gradkowski. Which means we'll see Charlie Frye, who hasn't taken a snap in the NFL in over a year. If this doesn't work, we'll see JaMarcus Russell, who hasn't known what to do at this position since he played for Louisiana State. Additionally, the Oakland Raiders Raided are without Darrius Heyward-Bey, whom, until about week seven, had more names than he did touchdowns,* and tight end Zach Miller is questionable with a concussion. I think the Broncos (who sometimes look disorganized at the end of the season) are going to run away with this one.

Yes, this is a real product. Raiders tickets: $150. The Raiders grill tool set: $30. Seeing a barbecuing ether way: Priceless. Source: Sears. 

San Francisco @ Philadelphia: Philadelphia's offense has overcome some inconsistencies and is looking awful quick-strike and sophisticated this year. They've got wacky screen formations, deep pass plays, the Wild Vick (or whatever you call it), and they've won their past four straight, including toppling Big Blue in a barn-burner last week. With Brian Westbrook still out, the 49ers' 5th ranked rush defense shouldn't be an enormous threat to the Eagles. I'm going with Philadelphia just because the Niners have blown their past five straight on the road.

Cleveland @ Kansas City: Oh, who cares? The game ends 2-0, Cleveland, with the sole points coming when KC lines up to punt from their own end zone and snaps the ball out the back. 

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh: What has happened to the Steelers? It's bad enough when you lose to the Bears, but when you lose to the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns in the same season, you're warm, buttered toast. Right now, Green Bay statistically has just about the best defense in football: ranked 2nd against the run, 3rd against the pass, and 2nd in stopping people from moving the ball. Fun Fact: In this game, we're seeing two of the league's most porous offensive lines: Roethlisberger has been nailed 38 times, and Rodgers 47. We are going to see more sacking than a Barbarian rampage of Rome. I still like the Packers though. 

Chicago @ Baltimore: Gregg Easterbrook at ESPN TMQ urges readers to "contact authorities if you have seen the Baltimore Ravens." On the other hand, if we're talking about the Bears, I have to cite the great writer Patrick McManus: "If intelligence were crankcase oil, the Bears aren't even wetting the dipstick*" This game will just be sloppy. Throw in the bad weather in Baltimore and the fact that both teams have gone kazoo with penalties as of late, and we're rearing to see a nightmare. Sadly, I feel like the Bears, whose offense runs circles around itself, will not fare too well against the Blackbirds' D. Devin Hester is out. Jay Cutler vs. Ray Lewis: all you need to know. Ravens. By a lot. I'll go shoot myself in the foot now, because I can guarantee it will be less painful than this game.

Poetic Afterthoughts: And now, a limerick about every team in the AFC North.

The Bengals can get lots of downs,

They beat both the Steelers and Browns,

When they bust lots of joints

And score lots of points

Eighty-Five sends in the clowns!

About Lewis and Reed we all rave,

Make Edgar Poe spin in his Grave!

Their defense can brag

But these penalty flags...

If only this team could behave!

An offensive line you cannot trust

Big Ben gets pounded to dust

Their star safety's out

and Pittsburgh fans shout:

"The Steelers have started to rust!"

What's happened to Cleveland is sick

Their game plan just can't seem to stick

Brady's not win-ish

And Anderson's finished

Maybe they should have got Vick?

And there we have it. To come later: thoughts on Brian Kelly, Chris Henry, and the Saints dropping a deuce (and we don't mean McAllister).

*I forgot the original source of this comment. 

**The original quote is not about football, but it can be found in Never Sniff a Gift Fish, a book about his adventures as an outdoorsman. It's a pretty good read. 

In brief...

The end-of-year madness is not subsiding any, and I'm getting really stressed out. I am going home for the holidays at the end of the week, so posting will be limited. I will share this, however:

Source: Me, via Graphjam.

Week 14 Picks du Jour

First, Second and One is rather disappointed that Toby Gerhart did not win the Heisman, but was edged out by Alabama's Mark Ingram by only 28 points - the closest vote in Heisman history. (ESPN) Congratulations to Mr. Ingram. 

And now, three week 14 picks (in brevity)- thank heavens I didn't attempt to call the Steelers-Browns game! 

San Diego @ Dallas: To me, this seems pretty simple: we just look at what teams historically do in December. The Chargers have a habit of stinking in the early months of the season, roaring through a thrilling crescendo and dramatic climax where they obliterate everyone they play, and then choking in the playoffs. Fun fact: the Batteries have won 15 straight games in the twelfth month. Now, the Cowboys are on the opposite spectrum. They get hot around Halloween, and typically spend most of December partying, which results in spectacular on-field collapses. Memorable examples: getting blown out of wild-card contention by the Eagles in 2008, getting smashed to bits by the divisional playoffs by the Giants in 2007, and losing to both the Eagles and the Lions in 2006. Needless to say, I'm going with San Diego. 

Green Bay @ Chicago: This game will come down to a very minute key point - how well the Pack's O-line can protect Aaron Rodgers. If the Bears dial up a few Uber-Blitz formations, the pass-wacky Pack may have a hard time. Nonetheless, the Packers have one of the greatest combined defensive units in the league: third in pass coverage, fourth in rush coverage, and first in yards allowed per game. The Bears cannot score on anybody, Devin Hester is questionable, and the thought of Jay Cutler against Charles Woodson scares the daylights out of me. I regrettably have to pick Green Bay.

Detroit @ Baltimore: If Baltimore can stop committing so many penalties, this one seems obvious, as the Lions haven't won on the road this year yet. Knocking on a third win's door? Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore!" - Blackbirds take it, by at least two score. 

For holiday spirit, yes, this is a real product for your tree! Buccaneers tickets: $150. The Buccaneers Christmas ornament: $23. Getting to see a hanging either way: priceless! Source: football-fanshop.com

More Poetic Afterthoughts: Last Sunday I wrote a limerick about every team in the NFC north. This week, we have one for the entire NFC south!

The Saints' opponents get diced

Last minute field-goals get iced

With remarkable wins

They're absolved of their sins

Savior of South, Breesus Christ!

The Falcons had Georgia at "go!"

But all they do these days is blow

Left their D at the door

And they can't seem to score,

All 'cause Matt Ryan stubbed his big toe!

The Panthers are like a bad dream

Their playoff hopes now without gleam,

Their RBs are fast,

And their D can outlast,

But Delhomme can't throw to his own team!

Their new QB plays fine sport,

But Tampa keeps coming up short

They've got only one win?

Call the salvage crew in

The Bucs have been shipwrecked in port!

Next week: Limericks about the AFC north, complete with references to the Steelers rusting.

Extra Points, Part I

As the annual December Craziness continues, posting will remain limited. Nonetheless, here is our week 13/miscellaneous round-up!

That's a Penalty? In the first half of Saturday's first-class Cincy/Pitt shootout, upbeat music played between every down at Heinz field. The Bearcats, however, couldn't find any rhythm, and trailed by 21 points late in the first half. There was some speculation that the extra noise was interfering with the Bearcats' play-calling, and at the half, an official told head coach Dave Wannstedt that unless the Panthers pulled the plug on the techno tunes they would garner a penalty. You can penalize someone for playing music during a game? I mean, I can understand how if Pitt wheeled in a road sign with one of those blinking arrows, faced it away from their end zone, and chanted "this way, you fools!" for sixty minutes, that it might get officials scratching their heads, but did the relative silence after the half really allow Cincy to come from behind and win by a single point? 

Totally Sick Play: The annual Cowboys Collapse has begun! While the Chargers are hotter than a blast furnace, Dallas has begun its December decline. Big Blue power-back Brandon Jacobs caught a short pass from Eli Manning...and ran 74 yards for a touchdown, during most of which he was completely untouched. Bonus Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Brandon Jacobs can't stand the Cowboys, saying "I've been hating Dallas ever since I knew anything about football." Well, congrats, Mr. Jacobs. You get the honor of making this week's Totally Sick Play!

Why is This News Again?: In fashion news, Seattle head coach Jim Mora has announced that the Sea Birds will be retiring their radioactive-green jerseys. (Seattle PI) Coach Mora's reason: they didn't win while wearing them against the Bears in week 2. No, really. This is fine reasoning: you don't want to wear the outfit you lost in again. Although looking at the Seahawks' season, this logic also dictates they should be playing in their underwear right about now. 

If you look like vegetables, you will play like vegetables. Source: Otto Greule Jr., Getty Images.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Against Big Red, Brett Favre passed for 275 yards, 2 scores, and two picks. The Vikings lost. Linebacker E.J. Henderson is out for the season, and Kurt Warner's offensive line kept him off of his back all night in a game that my friend Eric (a football fan and avid reader) described as the "showdown in the geriatric ward." In the Saints' coup de grace of the Redskins, Drew Brees torched the Skins' high-rated secondary, where he passed for an astounding 419 yards, two scores and one INT, leading the Scoring Machines on an 80-yard drive in thirty-three seconds to win, in overtime, a game in which they never held a lead. Good Gravy, we knew the Saints were going to win, and we knew everything in Washington DC was inefficient, but how can the Redskins miss a 23-yard field goal? Current theories range from endemic kicker headcasery to divine intervention.

Sour as The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (And the Christmas Bowl): The Michigan State Spartans will be playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl on January 2nd of next year. You know, a bowl game, where you're supposed to have all of your starters and be playing for the glory and honor of your school? The State Screwed-Sideways Spartans just charged nine players in connection with the fraternity fracas in November (ESPN, Big Ten Blog). The charges: multiple assault and battery, conspiracy to commit assault and battery (a misdemeanor), and a tenth was just suspended and charged with a minor in possession and public urination - it just gets worse! (Detroit Free Press) Head coach Mark Dantonio, no doubt embarrassed, remarked to the press that "Our football program has been disappointed before, and we will rise above this." Someone needs to inform Mr. Dantonio that it's hard to stop the soup from hitting the fan if you can't turn the fan off. 

Truly Special Special Teams: against the anemic Rams, the Blundering Bears were up by 10, and were facing a 4th-and-4 situation on the Lambs' 10-yard line just before the half. Why not kick for three to make things a little trickier for your opponent? The Bears instead attempted a fake field goal, in which punter Brad Maynard tossed a shovel pass to TE Greg Olsen, the only player who St. Louis had figured out all day. Olsen was clobbered immediately for no gain, and the Rams took over on downs and marched the other way to avoid being shut out at recess. What kind of play is this?! 

a) There are better ways to get four yards than a shovel pass from your punter on a fake*;

b) Why are you even trying the fake against a 1-10 team, at home, while already up by ten points? Second and One got ahold of the Bears' playbook, and on the page immediately following the entry for "random fake" found this (vide infra), and promptly drew it up on the Whiteboard O' Wisdom:

On the next page: the play where Jay Cutler throws the ball into the stands simply "because he feels like it."

That is a Penalty!: In Monday night's gritty Packers/Ravens contest, a combined seven turnovers and 310 yards of penalties were committed, making it the dirtiest game since frat-house mud-wrestling went out of style. Baltimore committed five pass interference penalties, and now have committed 13 on the season, leading the league in slop and hand-waving. Second and One asks the following thought question: Q. Why can't you hear Ravens games on the radio? A. Because there is too much interference!

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Rodgers rammed the Ravens. Welker Wailed at Miami. Holmes was Hot. Addai Addled the Titans. Brandon Jacobs went off like a nuclear test site. Even Sidney Rice caught a few yards. Against my league's winningest coach, an attack of positively historic proportions was staged by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One. With this, the 'Nukies move to 8-5, and this coming weekend determines whether the postseason will be looking nucleophilic! Bonus Fun Fantasy Fact: it did not matter who I started at tight end: their scores were equal. 

Part 2 of Extra Points to come later!

*Fullback screen. Power-rush. QB draw. 

Week 13 Picks!

Brief entry today. The first part of last night* wasn't very good and I woke up late. For the first time in a few weeks, here are Second and One's picks for the day.

Tennessee @ Indianapolis: This will be an interesting game. Horseshoes are obviously lucky. The Colts are undefeated, having survived some real nail-biters with New England, San Francisco, and Houston. The modus operandi of the Colts is pretty consistent: Peyton Manning runs the show and everything else clicks methodically around him. Everybody knows what Peyton Manning can do, but nobody seems to know how to stop it. Enter the Titans. The Tennessee Not-So-Burnt Toast was in big trouble earlier this season, after going 0-6. Over the bye week, they mixed things up, started Vince Young at QB, and have gone 5-0 since, earning them the season's Outhouse-to-Penthouse award. Where the Colts struggle is on defense, and I think this is the key to this matchup: In the first half of the Indy/Houston contest, the Houston Cattle Ranch was pretty much able to nickel-and-dime the ball down the field on the Colts. Indy has some defensive starters that have been banged up as of late, but are predicted to return to help the cause, and the Colts have an overall series edge against the Titans. I'm going to pick Indianapolis, but I can guarantee it'll raise everybody's blood pressure. 

New Orleans @ Washington: What more can be said about the Saints? I stand by my earlier statement that they're just terrifyingly good. What can be said about Washington? Washington is 3-8. Washington lost to the Lions. Nonetheless, Washington has a good defense, including pass coverage that is ranked 2nd. Because of this particular statistic, and the over-arching conclusion that the Saints are zany, hyper, and pass-wacky, many people think the Scoring Machines are walking into a trap. What everyone fails to realize, however, is that the Saints are not one-dimensional. There are lots of ways to score. They can pass it in (they are ranked 4th, and 10 different receivers have scored this season) They can run it in (they are ranked 5th in the rush, and five different players have scored this season), and their defense can run it in (they have five interception returns for TDs this season, and 22 picks alone). Good gravy, what's next? The offensive linemen start scoring? The Native Americans' defense is good, but hurting a bit, and I don't think they'll be able to cover everything that the Saints have to offer. New Orleans!**

St. Louis @ Chicago: At this point, both of these woeful teams are playing to simply not be humiliated. I can think of five things that stink less than the Bears and the Rams combined:

a) Food that's been in your fridge for two months that you don't find until cleaning later;

b) A Port-a-John in July humidity;

c) Your garage, when you forget to take the trash out for a week; 

d) Some of the chemicals I work with in the lab that are enough to evacuate the whole building if spilled;

e) The fact that I don't even get to watch this travesty where I live because of overlapping markets.

As for the game itself, the problem is the Bears' defense. About 25 years ago, people would have laughed me out of the room had I raised the point that the Bears, of all teams, would have defensive problems. The entire unit is injured after being smeared by the Vikings last weekend, and with the possibility of Lance Briggs not playing, the Monsters Midgets of the Midway might as well erect a big "VACANCY" sign behind the defensive line. What the Bears have to do in order to win is not give the Rams any hope. They don't have much to begin with, being ranked 30th in ability to score, but psychology is weird this way and Steven Jackson can have frighteningly good days. Of course, the Bears' offense needs to do their part too. If they can hold onto the ball, that is. I'll pick the Bears because every other analyst is, because I'm caving to peer pressure, and because even losers need faith.

Yes, this is a real product. Bears tickets: $150. The Bears blanket: $35. Getting to see flimsy coverage either way: Priceless. Source: footballfanatics.com.

New England @ Miami:  The Patriots are peeved after being schooled in New Orleans, and I'm fully expecting them to take out their anger on the Dolphins. Fun Fact: Every time the Minutemen have lost this season, they have won the following game by 16 or more points, and the Dolphins, with a scoring defense ranked 25th, are looking mighty tasty to Belichick and the Brady Bunch. New England.

This is all for now. Enjoy the games, everbody!

*Draw your own conclusions.

**Wow. I managed to write an entire column about the Saints without mentioning Drew Brees. This is impressive!

A Bit Belated..

There hasn't been much in the way of a legitimate NFL update here, but I have very good reason. In December, my research group writes long annual progress reports to turn in to the head of our group. Mine is already seventy pages, and not a word of this is about football, so it's time for some words on that.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! I was thinking this category would be rather hard this week. I was watching the Vikings game, as the Norsemen of the Apocalypse shamelessly ran up the score on my blundering Bears (don't get me started on our pass-rush). In said roasting pasting friendly contest, Brett Favre passed for 392 yards, 3 TDs, and no interceptions. He looked 25 years old against the Bears, and I thought he was a shoe-in for this category...until I saw the Saints game. I watched it with Catherine, my good friend and a Saints fan extraordinaire, and after the second touchdown (and possibly second glass of wine), we simply defaulted to loud cheering and senseless Drew Brees worship. I will now continue the trend. Drew Brees completed 78% of his passes, for 371 yards, no interceptions, and five touchdowns. Drew Brees earned a perfect passer rating on Monday Night Football, against Bill Belichick's defense, where he would pump-fake to draw the safeties, and bomb deep against corner blitzes to wide-open receivers. Drew Brees served the Patriots a taste of their own medicine on a night where the average noise level in the Superdome was about 110 db. (nola.com).* Drew Brees' tears can cure cancer. Hurricanes are afraid of Drew Brees. Drew Brees can fly.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Source: Chuck Cook, New Orleans Times-Picayune

Dumb, Daft Defenses: During the Thanksgiving Day skirmish between Dallas and Oakland, the Cowboys were driving from their own 25-yard line with about thirteen minutes left before the intermezzo. Two Raiders defensive backs (Trevor Scott and Tyvon Branch), both ran for what would have been an easy interception. However, while Branch had clear sights for a pick-six, Scott was facing away from the end zone - and the two promptly collided head-to-head. The only points they got off of this play were style points from the Three Stooges. Fine demonstrations of conservation of momentum are nothing new to the Raiders: see here how two Oakland receivers, with crossed routes, demonstrate inertia against the Chargers (Ballhype). 

Fresh From the Bakery: Oh, Carolina Panthers. Why doth thou provide so much amusement? Against the struggling Jets, Jake Delhomme threw four interceptions. A good point was raised over at ESPN: The Big Black Cats, with the likes of DeAngelo Williams, are ranked #4 in rushing - Why has Delhomme attempted 30 or more passes in six games this season? Take whoever these pass-wacky play callers are and send them to Chicago to help Jay Cutler, please! Statistic O' Suckage: On the season, Delhomme has 18 interceptions, six fumbles, and three lost fumbles - to only eight touchdowns. He's also been sacked 23 times.

You Know You're Having Quarterback Problems When...reason # 245: your QB's jersey number is in the double-digits and is still less than the number of times he's coughed up the ball. Source: AP, Seth Wenig, panthers.com

Why is this news again? This is all over the news: During the Broncos' Thursday night dismantling of the Giants, the NFL Network cut to a replay of Denver Stampede coach Josh McDaniels' audio feed, in which he hollered at his offense on the sidelines, and in doing so said a very prominent swear word. Everyone promptly snapped out of their Thanksgiving food comas, spit out their night-caps in surprise, and gasped "Did he really just say that?" This was all over the news: everyone was apologizing and people were outraged over the NFL Network's faux pas. I like to think of this as "Big deal. A football guy swore in front of  group of other football guys." Although maybe, at sixteen years old, McDaniels shouldn't say potty words, lest his mom wash his mouth out with soap.

The Joke Just Writes Itself: Ok. The Vikings have a fast offense. We get it. Earlier this last weekend, RB Adrian Peterson was cited for driving 109 mph in a 55 mph zone. On Monday, Vikes wideout Bernard Berrian was similarly stopped for driving 104 mph in a 60 mph area. (ESPN) Second and One, however, argues that Brett Favre will not be cited: he will simply drive 20 mph under the speed limit with his turn signal on permanently.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: At 7-5 and poised to strike again, the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are making a playoff run! Aaron Rodgers ran up the score on the Lions. Santonio Holmes had his first touchdown since week 1. The Colts' D came back from a serious first-half slump to run the Texans into the ground, and I staged a fifth consecutive nucleophilic attack. 

Perhaps my biggest achievement: I started the right tight end. Yes. That's right. Read it again. Shiancoe (starter) torched the Bears' woeful deuxiemme, while Celek was stopped by the 'Skins. In other news: it is reported that the moon is blue and all of the planets have just aligned. 

Yes. This is a real product. Lions Tickets: $150. The Lions Doormat: $55. Seeing people wipe their feet with the Lions either way: Priceless. Source: Outdoorrugs.com.

Poetic Afterthoughts: Today, just for the heck of it, I wrote a limerick about every team in the NFC North. 

While Childress is filling his quota

And Peterson's back for the coda

In "4" he is dressed

(And at 40, no less)

It's Senior Day in Minnesota!

The Bears have got naught to work with

They've been pounded and pummeled and pithed

A poor defensive batch!

Nobody to catch!

The honeymoon's over for Smith!

While nobody else seems to get

The points that the Packers can net

They've got offensive fever!

The world's best receivers!

Tell me, why did they need Brett?

Can the Lions be freed of their fetters?

Lose that "L", the harshest of letters?

Their rookie's adroit

But they play in Detroit

And I have seen doormats look better.

Next week: We'll do the same with the NFC South, complete with references to Matt Ryan's turf toe.

*Other things that are 110 db or louder: your iPod on full volume, jackhammering, a rock concert. Quieter than 110 db: my television, normal talking, breathing, the Patriots' defense.

December is here!

Now that everyone is five times heavier and we're putting up our holiday decorations, it's time for an end-of-season Kollege Kickoff Spectacular!

Another One Bites the Dust: Really Dusty Rivalry Edition: In this weekend of hotly contested rivalry games, Georgia Tech (#7), Pitt (#9), Clemson (#18), North Carolina (#24), and Ole Miss (#25) played their arch nemeses: unranked Georgia, unranked West Virginia, unranked South Carolina, unranked NC State, and unranked Mississippi State, respectively - and all of the ranked teams lost. Despite being unranked, however, the upsetting teams are a respectable combined 33-26 this season. The BCS computer is running slightly hotter trying to crunch these numbers. Fun Fact: the largest Margin O' Upset was 17 points. The smallest was one. 

Still Not a Very Christian Thing To Do: Is Texas Christian University (#4) for real? The Horned Frogs are undefeated for the first time since 1938, and have, this season, outscored opponents by a combined 488-149. Imagine playing against a team that you know could very easily triple up on any points you score: it's the football equivalent of cutting one head off of a monster only to have three grow in its place. However, let's look at whom TCU has played this season. Three of the Horny Toads' drubbings have been against truly good teams: Clemson is 8-4. BYU is 10-2, and Utah is 9-3. Ok, maybe at 7-5, we can say that both the Air Force and Southern Methodist teams aren't terrible, despite being unranked and understated. Of the remaining teams, only Texas State (out of the FCS Southland Conference), has a winning record at 7-4. The remaining teams are a combined 22-50. The final humiliation came against the New Mexico Lobos, where TCU ended the game by scoring five unanswered touchdowns in the first 20 minutes. What is TCU trying to prove here? That they deserve a shot at the national crown? That America still believes in good Christian values like kindness, loving one's neighbor, and frantic, unsportsmanlike attempts to run up the score? That they're the FBS equivalent of a chain-gang beating up my grandmother? 

Second and One proposes a solution: Once you're ahead by 35 points, you are forced to either pull your starters or you get your backside fined for unsportsmanlike conduct. It's that simple. 

Toby Gerhart for Heisman: Against embattled Notre Dame, Stanford RB Toby Gerhart* rushed for 205 yards and 3 touchdowns - number 24, 25, and 26 this season. If we count a season as being 13 games on average, Gerhart scores an average of 14 points per game. Anecdote O' Awesomeness: Gerhart has not fumbled once this season. Even more impressive: Gerhart has never fumbled in his entire four-year tenure at Stanford. With the way this guy runs, he could run for president. Come on, Heisman People! The decision is clear!

The fan in the background has the right idea, just not the right one about graphic design. Source: AP, Paul Sakuma

Sour as a Lemon: Charlie Weis is no longer the coach of Notre Dame, after going 6-6 this season. Weis had the same record last year and a bowl win as well. However, Ron Zook is still the coach of the Fighting Illini after being below 0.500 for two consecutive years, and Rich Rodriguez is still captain of the sinking ship that is the University of Michigan Wolverines, who have had their first two consecutive losing seasons since 1963. Is 2+2 still 4?

Ridiculously Sick Play: With six minutes remaining in the first quarter, the quick-strike Cincinnati Bearcats scored again. QB Tony Pike, returning for his first start since he injured his non-throwing arm, completed a 59-yard pass to a fellow named Ben Guidugli. "Ben Gui-Who?" Readers ask. Second and One appreciates this technique: a positively epic play to a guy that not even Bearcats purists have heard of. Guidugli is a back-up tight end whom, at six feet even, doesn't appear to even be built to play tight end, but comes out to block when Cincy runs the spread. On the day, Guidugli had 2 TDs and 149 receiving yards. During the game, he was frequently in motion, or stayed in a semi-upright stance behind the line, confusing Illini defenders as to whether he would stay and block or be split wide. Perhaps most baffling to Second and One was that he wore #19, which is not a number normally reserved for his position. The Bearcats' other tight end wears #8. No wonder nobody could get these guys' numbers, including Illinois! In other news, Cincinnati's QB also plays center, their linebackers return kicks and their kicker is a cornerback, and Brian Kelly can bend spoons with his mind.

Confucius says: Six touchdowns by Cincy QB constitutes being impaled on Pike. Source: AP, David Kohl.

Sour as Spoilt Milk: In the annual Alabama/Auburn contest, the Iron Bowl, the Auburn Tigers came into the 4th quarter with a one-point lead, an onside kick touchdown, and tons of momentum. They were geared for the upset of the millenium. With nine minutes left until the curtain fell, Auburn punted to the Crimson Tide, who needed seven to remain undefeated - and promptly called two timeouts five seconds apart, effectively setting the Tide up to score, which they did. With the ball on their own 25-yard line and 1.5 minutes remaining, the Paper Tigers' next four offensive decisions were: incomplete pass, 9 yard pass, 4 yard run, false start. After this, Auburn returned to the run, and effectively ran their own team out of time! Did everyone simply lose the ability to see downfield? Does "Hail Mary" constitute unforgivable iconoclasm? Did Gene Chizik suddenly forget that the forward pass is now legal? Good Heavens! 

No, Really: Toby Gerhart for Heisman: In the 4th quarter, Toby Gerhart also had a passing touchdown, from 18 yards out. In addition to this, Gerhart plays outfielder for Stanford's baseball team, and also took 21 credits at Stanford University this fall, including a fluff course called "calculus," whatever that is. Come on, Heisman People! Tim Tebow needs another one like a hole in the head! Although, I think Tebow maybe did get a hole in the head earlier this season, so maybe I shouldn't make this joke.

Sour as Battery Acid: As it comes to pass, it appears the Michigan State Spartans are unequivocally shafted, should they play in the Insight or Alamo Bowl. After the frat brawl that resulted in the dismissal of two players last week, woeful coach Mark Dantonio has suspended eight more from all team activities, (ESPN, Big Ten Blog) including three wide receivers (two of which started this fall), a running back, and a cornerback (both of whom also played this past fall.) Now without another starting running back and a free safety, I say at this point MSU might as well just go all out and suspend any hopes of winning around Christmastime as well. 

That's all for now!

*I realize I have been misspelling his name as "Gerhardt" all season long. Toby, if you ever read this, I'm sorry!

In honor of tonight's showdown...

You, like the Redskins' Sherm Lewis, can also be a bingo caller - for the Saints/Pats game! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

There will be no posting for the remainder of the week due to the long weekend. Ahh, Thanksgiving. Food, family, friends, football! So, as everything this week is supposed to be tasty, I present some bite-sized bullets.

Another One Bites The Dust: LSU (#8), Wisconsin (#16), and Stanford (#17) all lost - by a combined 10 points. Gee golly Jeepers, some people are angry now!

And for Dessert...: Against teams with a combined record of 22-33, Florida (#1), Alabama (#2), Texas (#3), TCU (#4), and Boise State (#6) won - by a combined 201 points. Why are we having cupcake week at the end of November, again? 

Does it Get Any More Perfect?: There are 21 seniors playing for the schizophrenic Purdue Boilermakers. On Saturday, senior QB Joey Elliot's last pass as a Boilermaker was a touchdown. Senior CB David Pender's last play was a fumble recovery. Both of these plays came against school arch-rival IU in a heavily anticipated trophy match. Needless to say, Purdue won, ended on a high note, and left IU's colors crimson and creamed. Fun Fact: this season, the Boilermakers were 21 points away from being 10-2 instead of 5-7. 

Against the Purdue Bipolar Patients, the Indiana Loosiers kicked the bucket yet again. Source: AP, Tom Strattman.

Amusing Announcing, Part the First: At the start of said Purdue/IU contest, Big Ten Network announcers boldly declared that said rivalry had "spanned three centuries." Second and One deftly notes that Indiana University was founded in 1820, and Purdue University in 1869. As further research indicates that the term "Boilermaker" was first used (in connection with Purdue football) in 1889, the rivalry is at most about 120 years old. Please, announcers! Read the history books before openin' yer traps!

Does it Get Any More Sour?: The Michigan State Spartans, who are bowl-eligible yet again, lost last week by 28 points to out-of-state rival Penn State, who keeps the Land Grant Trophy and moves towards a possible BCS bowl bid. The Detroit News now announces that two Spartan players, RB Glenn Winston and FS Roderick Jenrette, have been dismissed from the team for violating team rules, possibly related to a gigantic brawl on MSU's campus that followed a frat party. (Detroit News) This is Winston's second run-in with the law, the first coming in fall of 2008. Winston and Jenrette - You are, as ESPN might say, the Turkeys of the Year.

Fresh from the Bakery, Delicious Thanksgiving Edition: Against Ohio State, Michigan Freshman Messiah Tate Forcier began the game by fumbling in his own end zone - and it just got worse. Forcier threw four interceptions on Saturday afternoon, and spent most of the day sulking on the bench and watching the Michigan defense chasing Terrelle Pryor around the field. Coach Rodriguez, what the heck's happened to Michigan?!

Truly Special Special Teams: With about six minutes left, after two incomplete passes by Vince Young, the Tennessee Not-So-Burnt-Toast lined up to punt the ball back to Houston...or did they? The ensuing fake and run gained the first down, but not before the punting unit was called late for delay of game. End result: a real punt. D'oh! 

Nice Play From the Backfield: In the depressing Bears-Eagles contest, Chicago WR Devin Hester dived for a ball overthrown by Jay Cutler. Eagles corner Asante Samuel reached out to stop him, and instead grabbed the waistband of Hester's pants from behind, revealing his - how should I put this - better assets (TV by the numbers. Warning: Not Safe For Work!) Other headlines Second and One considered for the uniform malfunction: The Play Was a Naked Reverse, Bears are Butt of Everyone's Jokes, Ass Interference, Bare Down, Full Moon Over Soldier Field, and the obligatory Chicago Unveils New Tight End. 

Amusing Announcing, Part the Second: During Monday Night Football's Fastest Three Minutes, ESPN's Chris Berman referred to the Kansas City Chiefs as "the killer tomato cans." Would this make the upset Steelers, then, effectively canned?

Truly Special Special Teams, 2: For the second time this season, Houston Texans kicker Kris Brown missed a game-tying field goal. The first time was against Indianapolis. Fun Fact: In both games, the final score was 20-17. Statistic O' Suckage: Despite existing for 8 years, the Houston Cattle Ranch has never made a postseason appearance, and has never had a winning season.

Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Drew Brees Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford! Matthew Stafford!  Against Cleveland, Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford won the game by throwing a touchdown pass, on an untimed down, with the clock at 00.00, while injured and in obvious pain! On the day, Stafford's pass completion percentage was about 60.5%, but he threw for 422 yards, 5 TDs, and 2 interceptions. Not bad for a 21-year-old in Detroit these days.

Who would have thought that the most exciting game of the week would come between two teams with a combined record of 2-16? Source: Bleacherreport, Joe Robbins, Getty Images.

Amusing Announcing, Part the Third: The Now-Extinct Wolverines' Daryl Stonum lined up deep to return a punt with five minutes remaining before intermission, and was promptly cold-clocked by OSU's coverage team. "He really did stone 'em." Remarked the announcer. 

Obligatory (Long) Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Aaron Rodgers buried the 49ers. Sidney Rice caught two touchdown passes. Wes Welker had more receiving yards than the Jets' entire receiving corps. Your Highness Addai-ness had a power-rush TD against a confused Ravens' D. End result: A fourth consecutive nucleophilic attack by the Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One!* Sour spot: My entire lineup was my optimal lineup. This has never happened. This last week, absolutely everything would have been perfect - but everyone reading this knows exactly where I went wrong. The Bears had (starter) Celek's number**, while Shiancoe went off like a bucket full of fireworks in a hot car. I am now personally going to petition Roger Goodell (I'd assume he's the commissioner of fantasy football as well) - to remove the tight end option from fantasy lineups altogether, as this is the only way I'll ever get it right.

And that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoys the respite the holiday weekend provides.

*In organic chemistry, reactions that involve multiple nucleophilic attacks (or really any attacks or events, usually as a lynchpin to assembly of some ugly molecule) are called cascades.

**It's 87, for everyone else. 

Pigskin Prognostication, Week 11

Kollege Kickoff will come in the next several days. After the bye week, I return, hopefully with my Powers O' Prophecy intact!

San Diego @ Denver: QB Kyle Orton sprained his left ankle against Washington last week. While he's officially listed as questionable for the game and the Broncos are keeping mum about who the starter will be, it's not looking good for Orton. After starting hot, the Broncos have dropped their last three. There is a lot of speculation about what's happened to the Broncos, but one of the most convincing theories is put forth by Gregg Easterbrook, who proposes that the Broncos train in high altitude very early in the fall and thus possess an edge in overall fitness to many other teams, but do not keep up this training regimen throughout the season. The end result: they simply run out of gas in the latter half. The Chargers are the opposite story. Year in, year out, they start slow and then finally show up around the same time the Christmas stuff shows up in the store. Last year, Philip Rivers was 4-0 in December, and this year, the San Diego Batteries have won their last four straight. The Bolts have also broken out in their running game, as best exemplified by LaDanian Tomlinson's two TDs in week 10.* Where the pass-wacky Chargers are lacking, still, is the rushing game, where they are ranked dead last. They also struggle on defense defending against the rush, and in a game where the Broncos are going to have to lean on the ground game, this could be a point of contention. Still, because of the injury and general psychology, I think I'm going to say voltage stuns and amperage kills and go with the Chargers.

In a parade of calendar hunks, Philip Rivers is Mr. December. Source: Eddie Perlas, Chargers.com

Philadelphia @ Chicago: After starting 3-1, the Chicago Bears (much to my extreme displeasure) have absolutely collapsed, dropping four of their last five. Their defensive schemes are outdated, they think "blitz" is some kind of food item, "discipline" is for schoolchildren, and they have been throttled by injuries. Any offensive package where the only two guys that can score are the tight end and the kicker is just as disastrous (see synonyms at "Oakland Raiders"). Jay Cutler has a good arm, but the Bears are looking woefully underdeveloped at wideout** and a poorly-coordinated offense, which frequently puts Cutler in situations where he screws up. And, to quote the head of our research group, "Yeah, you have to be pretty bad to lose to the 49ers." Rare Bears bits o' brilliance: The Bears' front 4 don't look too bad. WR Earl Bennett can catch the ball downfield. Greg Olsen has been generally good and has double the receiving TDs of anyone else on the team. Bears RB Matt Forte has proven he can make some amazing catches out of the backfield and appears to have terrific hands. The Eagles are blunderingly inconsistent, but once every three weeks or so, Donovan McNabb just goes off like a backpack full of dynamite. McNabb also has very dangerous weapons in WRs Jeremy Maclin and DeSean Jackson, and hybrid TE/fantasy beast Brent Celek, the latter of which will enjoy himself tonight dragging Al Afalava from goalpost to goalpost.  I regrettably pick the Eagles, and if the Bears win, I will simply be so happy that the Bears won and not worry that I blew the call.

 

Indianapolis @ Baltimore: As I stated two entries ago, the Baltimore Blackbirds are really struggling on offense. They struggled against Cleveland, only scoring one offensive touchdown in the second half. (To give a comparison, the Browns sacked Jay Cutler four times and still got creamed by 24 points.) On defense, in total yardage, pass yardage, rush yardage, and scoring ability, the Brownies are ranked 32nd, 20th, 30th, and 28th, respectively. If the Ravens can't score against these guys, they probably can't score against a Pop Warner team. Where the Ravens excel is on defense. Nobody watches a Ravens game to see Joe Flacco burning up the scoreboard, they watch a Ravens game to see the D smear the opposing team's O from sideline to sideline! But now Terrell Suggs is out and Ray Lewis, who is inarguably the best middle linebacker since Dick Butkus, has got to pull his weight. And here come the Indianapolis Colts, who are hotter than the center of the sun. The weakest of Baltimore's defensive units, actually, is their secondary, who allows over 200 pass yards per game on average. And here comes Peyton Manning. Do I need to say more? If the Ravens can remain committed to the run and crank up the pressure on Peyton, they might be able to send the Stampede to the glue factory, but I'm picking the Colts. 

Cleveland @ Detroit: Both teams are an absolute disaster. The Browns are ranked last in every offensive category except the rush, where they are still an anemic 26th. They have not scored more than 20 points against anyone all season. Let's use alliterative descriptors for how badly the Browns have lost this season. Blanked by Baltimore, Crushed by Chicago, Ground by Green Bay, Punished by Pittsburgh, Maimed by Minnesota, and Drubbed by Denver. In the eight games they lost, the average margin of defeat has been nearly 19 points. Good Green Giants, they've been creamed more than my coffee. Let's look at the Lions. They've got more injuries than General Hospital, but are at least not ranked below 26th in any offensive category. However, they were Smashed by the Saints, Twice-Victimized by the Vikings, Blown Out by the Bears, Squashed by the Seahawks, and Pounded by the Packers. Nonetheless, their margin of defeat is only about 16 points. This one could go either way. I'm using super-sophisticated math and will subtract these margins of defeat, and I'm saying the Lions will win - by three points.

More later.

*Also, just before kickoff last week, LT's wife told him she was pregnant. Congrats to the Tomlinson family!

**I believe the joke was something like this: Q: Why can't Jay Cutler talk on the phone? A: Because he can't find the receiver!

Week 10 Wackiness

I won't lie. I've got the worst case of writers' block imaginable. After yet another agonizing week of diminishing returns at work, I'm exhausted. So this will be yet another lite version of Second and One.

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! This week's category is biased, because both the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Scoring Machines were up against two teams with a combined record of 2-14. Brett Favre, in his 300th NFL start, passed for an astonishing 20/29, 344 yards, and one score. Fun Fact: Over 200 yards of this pass-a-palooza were caught by Sidney Rice. However, we must remember that this was against the Lions. Despite rare flashes of brilliance, the Lions are sidelined by injuries, rookies, and a kind of timidity that manifests itself in surrendering points and outright lack of intensity. I honestly think at this point that cabbage looks more menacing than the Big Losing Cats. 

While nothing out of the NFC west looks promising (the entire division is a combined 14-22) the Rams look better a lot better than the Lions - of course they do, they beat them in week 8. Against Breesus and his Apostles,* the Rams put forth amazing effort and hung tight, likely aided by injuries on the Saints' defense (such as safety Darren Sharper, who can intercept everything but telegrams from spies), and problems up front (to possibly compensate for these injuries, the Saints stacked the box. RB Steven Jackson got out of the box). The end result? Drew Brees had to overcompensate yet again, finding the end zone twice and pushing NO to its first 9-0 start...ever. Plus: I love this new commercial for the Play60 program. (NFL) Drew Brees' #1 wideout? President Obama. Ergo, despite throwing two picks on Sunday, Brees wins this category because of this alone. On the new Second and One Assignment O' Awesomeness, where one is a kiss from your mom and 10 would be the offspring of Jackie Chan and Megan Fox killing zombies with a diamond-studded chainsaw, this is at least a 149.

Ridiculously Sick Series of Ridiculously Sick Plays: Sometimes, football is predictable. One watching says "ok, that's a run." "Ok, that's a deep pass." "Ok, they're going to fade to the corner of the end zone." "Ok. The Washington Redskins are kicking a field goal...or are they?" Against the Broncos, the Redskins didn't have much to work with. RB Clinton Portis was out with a concussion. Kyle Orton was dismembering the 'Skins secondary, who appeared to have Deer-in-the-Headlitis. It just wasn't looking good. Washington was down by 7, 4th and 20, with under 7 minutes in the second, and lined up to try a fire-drill of field goal to cut the differential before slogging into the locker room. They attempted a fake, but had to call a time out mid-execution because they only had ten men on the field! It looked laughably, hideously bad - and their secret was exposed to Denver. 

Senator Vreenak could tell us that it was a fake, too! Source: Jordanhoffman.com; Paramount Pictures. A Trek reference in a football blog? KILL THE HERETIC!

As red in the face as their goofy namesake, Washington then trots the punt team onto the field. The Broncos appeared confident that they had sniffed out a rat...but Washington promptly ran the exact same fake again, and punter Hunter Smith heaved the ball to Mike Sellers - straight into the endzone, and the only kicking the 'Skins did on this drive was the XP! (Highlights c/o NFL.com) This series is a rarity in that it is like a witty sitcom - it is both incredibly stupid and incredibly smart at the same time! Nice work, 'Skins!

Shakin' Things Up! Oh, the Browns. After a bye week that involved a quarterback change and people getting fired, they came out and embarrassed themselves, at home, on Monday Night Football, against the Baltimore Ravens. 

I will start by saying this. The Blackbirds' offense looks generally dreadful lately. They've lost four of their past five games. Joe Flacco was held to just 155 yards in the air. Kicker Steve Hauschka missed another field goal - his fourth of the season - and another extra point, and was promptly fired (keep in mind they cut their other kicker, Matt Stover, who returns to see the Ravens again on Sunday - he's playing in Indianapolis.) Both teams looked so awful that it was the first NFL game of the season that was scoreless at the entr'acte. 

Chop blocks and laying around? Maybe he'd be better on defense. Source: Joshua Gunter, the Plain Dealer.

But what of the Browns? Sure, they have Josh Cribbs, but he's now injured and any smidge of offense is crippled by overly-conservative, low-impact play calling (apparently "going deep" is too risque a concept for television). They suffer at wide receiver, and RB Jamal Lewis plans on retiring soon. They score so infrequently that most of the team probably could not locate the goal line on a map of a football field. And then Brady Quinn throws a block that has now sidelined Ravens' LB Terrell Suggs - for his first time in seven years. And Quinn won't even say how much the league fined him for his idiocy. What in God's Great Galaxy is wrong with the Cleveland Browns?

The news in Cleveland is that LeBron James - the star of the only team worth following in Cleveland (the Cavaliers) - would like to play football. (ESPN) And Browns Coach Eric Mangini is thinking about it. And you know, if I were Mangini, I might be thinking about it. The Browns, quite frankly, suck harder than an open window on a space flight,** and James was an all-pro wideout in high school. Ignoring the logistics of what would happen to the Cavaliers (for now), I say go for it. Other teams have shaken things up and gotten results. The Buccaneers were blowing harder than a wind tunnel, started Freeman at QB, and beat the Packers. The Titans were biting harder than Mike Tyson, started Vince Young, and have won their last 3. You're 1-8. What have you got to lose?

Amusing Announcing: Returning from the halftime break, Fox announcers read off a list of injured Detroit Lions - a few injured in the first half against the Vikes - and then quipped, "The Detroit sideline looks like a bad episode of House." In the third quarter of the Patriots/Colts skirmish, NBC announcers watched Peyton Manning pitch the pigskin at approximately the speed of sound, and then quipped, "That was a Halley's Comet. You only see that once every seventy-five years." And an unknown college announcer stated after a missed field goal, "Shank you very much." Keep the clever calls coming, commentators!

Is This Why You Go For It?: While we're talking about the Patriots and Colts, everyone is talking about Bill Belichick's decisive call to have the Patriots go for it while 4th and 2 on their own 28-yard line. I'll give the short summary in case people did not see the game. They were ahead. They went for it. They didn't convert by about three inches. The Colts, off the ensuing turnover on downs, scored and won by a single point, and the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium just about blew off. Time for my opinion: regardless of whether it was smart decision making, stupid decision making, blind arrogance, or just plain madness: it was the right call. The Indy defense had a hard time stopping the Patriots, but the Pats' defense obviously could not corral the Colts, despite the latter's slow start and Manning's two interceptions. Of course, anything could have happened had the Patriots punted. The Indy Stampede could have run the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. The kickoff could have been fumbled. There could have been an interception.  A bogus penalty. Pass interference. Extracurriculars. An earthquake. Heck, Joseph Addai could have held onto the ball for the remaining two minutes and made all of this speculation moot. Whatever. Belichick gambled - and sometimes, when you gamble, you lose. But when your defense is on the ropes, the absolute last thing you want to do is give the ball to Peyton Manning, who threw for 327 yards and four touchdowns. 

If anything, the problem was the way the Patriots ran the fateful play. A short flank pass to Kevin Faulk? Come on. Run that puppy up the gut!

I would have better luck starting Captain Morgan at tight end. Or maybe Mickey Mouse. Or Betty Crocker. Or your mom. Source: Getty Images.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Addai. Rice. The Ravens' defense. Wes Welker. A third consecutive nucleophilic attack! The Fighting Nucleophiles, official fantasy team of Second and One, are mounting a comeback that rivals the Chargers here, folks! 

The one sour spot? I blew it at tight end. I opted to start Visanthe Shiancoe, employing the oft-effective "whoever plays the Lions" rule, and he stood around like shrubbery for the entire game, while Brent Celek continued his trend of scoring, celebrating in the end zone, and making both his opponents (and yours truly) completely miserable. 

In other news, the Earth revolves around the sun, and I am putting this into the Undeniable Facts of Life category: Death, Taxes, Inflation, Adultery, Buttered Bread Always Landing Buttered-Side-Down, and Having One Position On Your Fantasy Team That You Always @#$& up with.

Tomorrow is my favorite college team's biggest rivalry game, and I'm really looking forward to it. More news to come after!

*I must give credit where credit is due: the reference is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

**As the trend appears to be one of borrowing tonight, I will thank my buddy Eric, a fellow football nut and avid reader, for the silly simile!

Everyone is Upset/Saluting Those Who Go Above and Beyond

Sadly, in week 12, the season draws to a close for most college football teams. Us bloggers, or as we call ourselves when we're feeling overly politically-correct, amateur journalists, will only sleep when the world ends. Without further, unnecessary ado, your week 11 college football pleasure.

Another One Bites the Dust: The University of South Florida (#24), who made this blog earlier this season for their upset of Florida State (in which they shanked two field goals and still won the game), marched up to New Jersey to take on 6-2 Rutgers. The first thing I learned in reading about this game was that the Rutgers team actually has a name. I had just assumed that they were simply called "Rutgers" (as in "Who is USF playing this weekend? Uh, the Rutgers...erm, Rutgers.") They're called the Scarlet Knights, and up against the Bulls, they blocked a punt, forced four turnovers and multiple quarterback changes, held USF to less than 160 yards of total offense, and done what no team has done to them in regular season play in their entire history - they shut them out, 31-0. Goodness gracious, these guys are more defensive than me while driving on the interstate! (Some fun stats c/o ESPN)

(Yeah. USF is still seeing red after being blanked by the Scarlet Nights for the first time in program history. Source: AP, Mel Evans.)

That's Not A Very Christian Thing To Do: There's a heck of a lot of hullaballoo over Texas Christian University's Horned Frogs. They're undefeated, first, and second, everyone wonders what point they were trying to prove on Saturday by all but running the 8-1 Utah Utes out of the Lone Star State. In this 55-28 blowout, the Horny Toads ran up the score by having five different people run the ball into the end zone: four (Tucker, Kerley, Hicks, and Wesley) on offense, and one (Carder) on defense. Another fun fact: Despite its name, the horned frog (or horned toad, as it applies to TCU and not South American horned frogs) is a reptile, not an amphibian, and is the state reptile of both Texas and Wyoming. Second and One imagines what it would be like if more schools named their teams after their state reptiles. The Massachusetts Garter Snakes! The Oklahoma Collared Lizards! The Michigan Painted Turtles (although Michigan is slow and sluggish enough to make this one actually appropriate!)

Well whatever it is, Lee Corso puts it on his head every Saturday morning. Source: Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.

Fresh From The Bakery: Oh, those North Carolina Tar Heels. Staging upsets left and right! And oh, those Miami Hurricanes, who keep being upset! On Saturday, U-M QB Jacory Harris threw four interceptions, three of which were caught by UNC Cornerback Kendric Burney. And for the second time this season, UNC Kicker Casey Barth sent up the game-winning three points as the clock ticked toward the end. I can't help wonder what happened to Harris, though. College players often boast of being in communication with NFL stars: Purdue QB Joey Elliot is frequently texted by another famous Boilermaker who shall go unnamed beyond stating that he is currently playing somewhere in Louisiana. Did Harris get a call from Jay Cutler? 

Dumb, Daft Defenses, College Edition: Ohio State and Iowa! The evenly-matched powerhouses of the Big Ten squared off for a Rose Bowl berth on Saturday evening. Beginning the 4th quarter tied at ten apiece, a flurry of scoring ensued in the last regulation period, complete with the Hawkeyes running back a kickoff and OSU missing a field goal - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. With seven minutes remaining and OSU up by seven, the Buckeye defense appeared to have the Hawks pinned on their own side of the field. Rushes for losses, incomplete passes - all of the zany insanity one would expect to see from a match like this. On third and four, the defense was roaring for a big stop.  But OSU jumped offsides - giving Iowa an instant first down! And six plays later, the Hawkeyes tied the game. It's a moot point as OSU won anyway, but had Iowa petered out to a punt, it could have been accepted that Terrelle Pryor et al. would have simply been able to bleed the clock dry for the remaining five minutes and avoid overtime.

It Cleans! It Freshens! It Deodorizes, and Removes Even the Nastiest of Stains!: Here's a pair of thought questions. What do you call a player who records a passing, rushing, and receiving touchdown all in the same game? Answer: Clemson senior RB C.J. Spiller. On the other hand, what do you call a 4-5 team that squibs three kickoffs short in attempt to keep the ball away from this guy, including kicking a duck only six yards when they were already losing? Answer: 4-6.

...It organizes your shoes! It fits under your bed! It's only $19.95! In our salute of ridiculously overperforming players, let's take a look at Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour. When talking about dual-threat quarterbacks, a lot of names come to mind. Juice Williams. Tim Tebow. Terelle Pryor. These guys give you more options than an open buffet. Of course, nobody will think to look under the table. Out of the MAC conference, LeFevour passed for two touchdowns, both over 30 yards, and ran for four, including three in the second quarter alone. LeFevour now has 45 rushing touchdowns in his possession, as well as the school's record. The NCAA has actually has certain rules against deceiving opponents by having players deliberately switching numbers or positions. They might want to head up to Mount Pleasant to investigate this one!

CMU staged an epically Fevourous rout of embattled Toledo. Source: Tim Fitzgerald, CMU Athletics.

...It Slices! It Dices! It makes Julienne Fries! We can't have a discussion about running backs who single-handedly run up the score without mentioning Ole Miss' Dexter McCluster, who ran for 282 yards and four scores against the Tennessee Volunteers. Where the heck were Tennessee's linebackers in this maddening, 25-point McClusterfarking in Mississippi? Second and One offers some suggestions:

a) Back in Tennessee

b) Georgia

c) In Louisiana, trying to stop the Saints

That's all for now, sports fans. Tomorrow: To the pros!