March Madness

I've been quite delinquent at updating this thing, with business hectic at work and not much on the football radar (formally) until the scouting combine business heats up.

Wonderlic scores are out! For those not in the know, the Wonderlic Test  is a sort of intelligence test (almost like the standardized tests they give to grade-school children) that they give to prospective NFL draftees.  As with most exams, the higher you score, the better. 50 is a perfect score. 30-40 is about average for a QB. I took a variant of it last year for giggles (I wanted to prove that despite being unable to catch a football*, I am still smarter than Mario Manningham, who reportedly scored a six. I was 30-something.)

High score for the year? Georgia's Matthew Stafford, who's probably regretting that he didn't intentionally bomb the thing as Detroit likely just wants him even more now. The fools of the year? Texas Tech's Michael Crabtree and Florida's Percy Harvin. 

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I promised myself when I started this blog, that I would not write about any other sport other than football, but as it is March after all, I figured I'd do something different and write about a little basketball, because I have been watching a lot of it. Office productivity has again plummeted dramatically as people stream games and obsess neurotically about their brackets (I'm currently third in my pool). I have noticed that due to the greater speed and spontaneity of basketball than football, there are truly different kinds of matchups:

The Nail-Biter: Any game where the lead changes more than ten consecutive times, becoming especially tense in the second half. Finally, one team will pull away and eventually go on to win, but not without leaving you breathing a bit quicker than normally.

The Barn-Burner: A Barn-Burner must involve more than twenty lead changes, with the lead being no greater than five points at any given time. Barn-Burners typically end on last-second fouls and flops, ridiculous shots, sloppy executions, half-court buzzer-beaters, multiple overtimes, and lots of slobberingly angry coaches and officials. These are the games that put the "ball" into "ballistic."

The Sniper Kill: Describes when a low-seeded team (under 10) comes seemingly out of nowhere to knock off a higher-seeded favorite (over five, usually). Examples? #13 Cleveland State dropping #4 Wake Forest (which likely caused many people to burn their brackets in the spot), or how Purdue is the only 5th seed to survive the onslaught of #12s this tournament. (Leading to the expression "so and so got twelved in the first round.") (I think the football equivalent of this is Bill Simmons' Drive-by-Shooting.)

The Court-Mopping: When one team absolutely embarrasses an egregiously undermatched opponent and effortlessly scores over 90 on them whilst the opponent struggles to make 25% of their shots. 

The "Wake Up Already!": Describes when a team that should be Mopping the Court isn't making their free-throws, has got people in danger of fouling out before the half, turns the ball over, and is effectively asleep for 3/4 of the game. Often, said team wakes up and goes "Er, we're losing!" and gets it together just in time to eek out a win. If the sleeping team wakes up and then proceeds to go on a Court-Mopping rampage, it's called the Villanova Syndrome.**

The Fundamental Mismatch: The fundamental mismatch is when your team has generally playing well, comes up against an opponent that you should defeat easily, but somehow, every time, this opponent seems to have spies on the inside and really is a pain to dispatch. Sometimes it's psychological, such as a rivalry, and sometimes, nobody can explain it. 

The Acid Reflux Express: This is when your team has an early lead (usually by double digits) and then somehow gets jinxed at the half and nothing subsequently goes right for them, resulting in fans having to suffer through the remaining 20 minutes in eye-crossing, stomach-churning agony. It often ends with the game being lost on a stupid call. These are the games where people almost get chucked out of pubs and take weeks to get over, especially if they come late in tournament play.

Anyway, hope everyone's enjoying the 'madness! News to come when I get around to it!

Remember kids: Old quarterbacks never die, they simply pass away.

*I really cannot catch a football. I don't just mean I'm not in the hunt for the Biletnikoff, I mean I get beaned in the face half the time. 

**It took me forever to figure out that Villanova was a Catholic school in Pennsylvania and not, as I previously thought, a poor cousin of the Bossa Nova. 

Why did you do that? No, really, why did you do that?

Hot off the press: the New England Patriots have traded QB Matt Cassel and OLB Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs...for the 34th pick. No doubt, those who are experienced with football trades and follow the sport religiously (and moreso than I) are shaking their heads at this point. I am honestly not sure what to think about this. A lot of analysis is beginning to surface over exactly why the Pats did this, and I think the forgone conclusion is that nobody has any real clue. The Chiefs are certainly getting something good out of it - it was proposed at the end of 2008 that if released, Cassel, who has spent most of his pro career polishing the bench with his butt, would print more dough than the Philadelphia Mint. No doubt those in KC are sighing gently with hopes that their run of positively abysmal seasons may be approaching sunset legislation. Also, even though Vrabel's getting on in years, he is a talented and experienced linebacker who has at least a couple more seasons of forcing turnovers. 

But what are the Patriots getting out of this, other than their second-round trade? I think it's a bit of a gamble. Brady is returning from practically an entire season out, and sometimes, these sort of severe injuries can majorly disrupt a quarterback's rhythm. Even minor injuries -Kyle Orton's ankle injury against the Lions in 2008-can be detrimental; after only several weeks of recovery, Orton stunk for pretty much the rest of the season. If Tom Brady suddenly forgets how to throw a football, what do the Patriots have? Moss and Welker can't do a whole lot if there's nobody to throw it to them. On the other hand, had the Pats kept Cassel and Brady returned, unchanged, as if cryogenically frozen for a whole year, Cassel would have returned to his sideline loitering. 

To re-summarize those conclusions from the sportswriter buzz; I have no clue why this happened. 

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In other news, the Detroit Lions traded Jon Kitna to the Dallas Cowboys, where he will be fetching Tony Romo's Gatorade for the next N years. My friend described this as a continuation of Detroit's desire to siphon all of their failure down to Dallas (see synonyms at "Roy Williams"). Heaven only knows how this will end. 

Speaking of the Lions also, the Bears have released Rex Grossman, who now pipes up that he would like to play in Detroit. Forget the gunslinging style, the erratic start-and-go offensive blundering, the "close-your-eyes-and-chuck it"-mentality, the interceptions, the drama, the sobbing on the sidelines, the inability to concentrate on anything, and the all-purpose suckitude...I have found the one reason he is not a Bear anymore. The Lions! He wants to play for the Lions! The 98 dollar-question: can he get it to Calvin Johnson? If so, there might be some good chemistry, if not, endless ways to make fun of the Lions next season, especially if Grossman makes Orlovsky-esque snafus!*

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Someone asked me via e-mail last week what I thought of the Indianapolis Colts' release of WR Marvin Harrison after 13 years. Harrison was a great receiver, no questions asked - but in recent years he had been riddled with injuries and I think he's probably past his prime. After all, he wished to be released (was it over taking a pay cut? I can't remember); and the Colts simply honored his wishes. His future's probably uncertain, but there's my take on that. More news to come later!

Remember kids, if you think the "tackle box" is what you take to go fishing, you should not be playing quarterback.

*I may have posted this earlier, but Orlovsky made one of the stupidest moves I have ever seen in football, right between "That rookie from Dallas who lost the ball on the one-yard line prematurely celebrating a touchdown" and "The punter from Minnesota who turned the ball over to the Bears because he dropped the ball, and after a defender touched it, picked it up and tried to kick it again." Dan Orlovsky, pinned back practically on his own goal line, got caught in a blitz and promptly skittered out the back of his own end zone, giving up a safety. Not only was it the one game the Lions could have won (the two points, were, of course, the differential), but it was positively humiliating. (Even moreso than Rod "#*&%#ing! #$&*!" Marinelli's profane outbursts) Joe Flacco later described how, when under pressure, he almost "Pulled an Orlovsky," and, of course, Urban Dictionary has now timelessly preserved this moment of idiocy. Note: other entries on that page are not appropriate for bosses, small children, and English majors.