Breaking down the Defense

Recent news also states that the Green Bay Packers, (and several other teams in the NFC North) are going to be switching to predominately a 3-4 base defensive formation, over the more-prevalent t 4-3 (the Bears love it). In response to a conversation I had recently about defensive strategies, today, the Second and One Playbook, after much perusing the vast web of football knowledge on the Internets - attempts to demystify the 3-4 defensive formation. This is my first attempt at a full "Playbook" entry.

First, a bit about the numbers. In these formations, the first number indicates the number of linemen (not DBs/secondary), whereas the second indicates the number of linebackers. It's not like "you run the 3-4 when they're actually 3rd and 4, or when your record is 3-4," although that logic is certainly more amusing. By convention, then, the 4-3 uses four linemen, and the 5-2 uses five linemen. 

Obviously, then, the front seven for the 3-4 uses three linemen (two ends and a nose tackle; the former typically line up across from the guards, and the latter lines up across from the center*), and four linebackers, two inside (or middle, whatever you'd like to call them) LBs, and two outside LBs. The rest of the eleven, of course, consists of the free safety, the strong safety, and the two cornerbacks. 

The job of the linemen, as is the job for most linemen, is to block and plug gaps to prevent any sort of a run game from opening up.

There are typically many uses for the four linebackers. They're already set back for pass coverage, but for example, in a standard 4-man rush (such as those seen in the 4-3), the D-line normally takes this job, whereas things are slightly more ambiguous for the 3-4. Often, if fast enough, one of the linebackers stars as the 4th man (call it a pseudo 4-3). However, in theory, anyone in the secondary could also come out of the ether on the rush, which really serves to confuse the offense's read of the D on pass plays. 

One of the problems with the 3-4, as can be implied from lack of personnel on the line, is that the 3-4 can be swamped by all of the blocking going on up front, often leading to breakout runs, overstimulated and frustrated defensive ends, and broken remotes/TVs/coffee tables/egos on the part of the fans.

Cornerbacks: Like receivers, but with more hand-waving: the secondary can do anything, really, depending on the particular scheme devised. Cornerbacks are generally thought of as the ones who attempt to mirror receivers, leaping in front of them, and breaking up the pass on the intermediate-length sort of routes - which isn't far off from the truth. A friend of mine has the staunch opinion that receivers who are too jumpy or drop too many balls should simply be sent out to play cornerback for a while. 

The free safety (FS) usually serves to jog around downfield and attempt to get in the way of any deep balls that may sail out. The strong safety (SS) stays closer to the line, and, in a pinch, can participate in those "46" and "eight-men-in-the-box" formations, which, in my opinion, are effective if not used too often; the over-boxed defense is a conditioned team with absolutely zero pass coverage, especially if the secondary is weak and or slow (I like to call these sorts of secondaries "tertiaries.")

So, for the more visually-inclined, to the left is the Second and One Whiteboard O' Wisdom, where I have depicted a typical 3-4 formation. I have the linebacker on the line on the strong side. 

And that's all for this edition; Defensive Coordinator MC has work to do elsewhere. Remember kids: if you keep dropping balls, wear a cup.

EDIT: I'm not sure why my strong-side receiver is a little "O" in the above diagram. Pretend it's Steve Smith or one of those little 5'9" receivers to humor me.

*Somebody once told me that the best way to find someone (especially a female) who doesn't understand football is to simply ask "what do you call the person who snaps the ball?" If they say something like "uh...the person who snaps the ball?!" your question is answered. Preferably, this question best follows "what do you call the person who punts" or any of these other "who's buried in Grant's tomb"-style of inquiries.

Et cetera

Man, it's the first weekend without football in months, and I've already got the characteristic withdrawal shakes. And, generally, with this sort of feeling, comes writers' block. Epic writers' block. So, some news!

Giants WR Taye Biddle (read as "the guy that's not Plaxico Burress") went outside of his house in Alabama and was promptly shot in the hand. Is it just me, or does the position of WR seem to be cursed for the Giants? First Steve Smith gets stuck up and mugged, then Plax slides to new levels of jackassery, and now Biddle? If someone offered me the chance to play WR for the G-men, I would immediately ask if a flak jacket is part of the contract.

***

In other news, the Big One is upon us once again, which means one thing: odd fan behavior! The Super Bowl, being, fundamentally, a celebration of football, brings out the nuttiest of the nutballs. Lately, this seems to be manifesting itself in the form of amusing song parodies. There seem to be a lot of good ones posted over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. (Be warned: language and content on said page are not safe for work or littl'uns!) By far, the best of the Steelers parodies I've seen comes from an a capella group in Pittsburgh, who ceremoniously reworked Toreador from Bizet's Carmen to be about...well...you just have to see it. 

As for the Cardinals, I haven't seen any amusing parodies from their end yet. Although I was singing The Humans are Dead* by Flight of the Conchords in the shower yesterday, and believe it could be easily adapted to describe the NFC Championship Game:

The Eagles are dead.

The Eagles are dead;

We threw freaky deep passes

And we covered their asses

The Eagles are dead.

(McNabb, he is dead)

The Eagles are dead.

(And Westbrook is dead)

We did it so we

(Buckhalter is dead)

Could go to forty-three...

(And Reid. Had a heart attack. He's dead)

(And then there's a whole bunch of stuff that just doesn't rhyme well...)

I said the Eagles are dead!

(Akers is dead)

The Eagles are dead (And Celek is dead!)

We used freaky deep passes (to Larry the most!)

And we covered their asses (their offense was toast)

I'll stop here for fear of embarrassing myself more than I've already done.

*The Humans Are Dead, by Flight of the Conchords

Counting your Cards?

What a great NFC Championship game: as a friend of mine remarked last night, "...Who the heck are the Cardinals?!?!?!?!" I mentioned earlier that I love these sorts of "Cinderalla" stories, and the Group from Glendale's rise to dominance is a true Scrapyard-to-Boulevard tale. This is a team that looked absolutely dreadful during most of the season, losing by 21 points to the Vikings and Jets, by 28 to the Eagles, and 40 to the Patriots. In other words, they've had their feathered tails kicked up and down the field. I'm surprised Kurt Warner can even stand upright for the number of times he's been folded, spindled, and mutilated in the backfield. And now, by some inexplicable twist of fate, Ken Whisenhunt's Deck o' 'Cards are advancing to Super Bowl 43 and the entire state of Arizona is higher than Ricky Williams on a Friday night! 

Also, in addition to the head coach having a funny name, their defensive coordinator's name is Clancy Pendergast. Two outrageously funny names in the Superbowl?* Amazing. Whisenhunt and Pendergast. It sounds like a law firm. Or something from a Dr. Seuss book. Pendergast. That sounds like how the Eagles' defense was feeling after Kurt Warner's 4th touchdown. 

Speaking of Kurt Warner, Second and One affords Kurt Warner, JJ Arrington, and Larry Fitzgerald the Single Best Play of the Postseason award. At the beginning of the 2nd quarter, Warner pitched to Arrington, who was seemingly covered on all sides. Arrington ran outside, and heaved it back to Warner, who then connected with Fitzgerald on the deep route for 62 yards and the touchdown. This was, of course, continuing the extremely enjoyable Warner/Fitzgerald show, which resulted in one of the greatest accumulations of fantasy points I have ever seen for any given QB and WR (70 or thereabouts).

The obvious question to ask here is "What happened to the Eagles?"; my answer is that I think they were dead on arrival. Despite sparks of brilliance in the third quarter, McNabb had chemistry issues with receivers, often simply not connecting. Of course, it doesn't help Philly's cause that Arizona's D looked none too shabby, mixing up their jumpy, swampy zone coverage with solid man-to-man defense. And Arizona had the momentum. These guys have not won a championship game since before my father was born. Heck, coming from Chicago, even they were probably feeling residuals of the Cubs' legendary curse. And one could tell it; this Cardinal team is so unbelievably stoked about winning a trip to the Big One. Contrarily, for the Steelers, this is almost par for the course to the point where they didn't even have the thirty tons of confetti at Heinz Field. I could imagine someone in the Steelers organization saying in an uptight British accent "Ah yes, we've won another one, haven't we?" as compared to the Cardinals' fans, reduced to tears and unintelligible screams of glee. 

***

The AFC Championship game was honestly to be expected. Joe Flacco is a rookie, and rookies make rookie mistakes. Baltimore committed several tactical errors, including punting on 4th down past midfield, in a championship game, when down by 13. This game also had several notable casualties, including Hines Ward and the very talented Willis McGahee.

I've watched a lot of football, and it is my opinion that some teams, as a whole, have very sophisticated offenses (In college, people will sometimes refer to such offenses as "West Coast-ish" or "SEC-style"). Same goes for the NFL. There are teams that are bright on offense and teams that just aren't. The Giants (despite the Earth, Wind, and Fire hullaballoo and all of their magnetic razzle-dazzle), in my opinion, did not have a sophisticated offense this year. Instead, most of their offensive effort became focused on "aw, #$*&%, how do we convert yet another unlikely third down with Eli Manning?"-type scenarios." The Chicago Bears' offense also isn't particularly brilliant, consisting of a) running Matt Forte repeatedly into the line, and b) chucking it 6o yards downfield and hoping that they either hit someone on their team or draw a pass interference flag. The Baltimore ravens did not have a sophisticated offense, just a sophisticated defense. And absolutely nothing about Detroit was sophisticated. 

By contrast, Miami had a pretty sophisticated offense, interspersing their routine with wacky wildcat formations that seemed ripped right out of Friday Night Lights. They simply sputtered in their execution. Now the Steelers. There is a sophisticated offense. I can't help but notice that the Steelers have some very interesting offensive formations. One of my favorites is the 3 tight end set (There is an excellent analysis of this formation c/o Dagger over at Post Game Heroes, despite it being a little dated; Jerame Tuman is a Cardinal now). For those who don't wish to read the whole thing in its glossy, full-color glory, there are many uses for three tight ends. Two tight ends can be lined up to make a super strong side** whilst a third lines up at fullback, etc. But one of the best is for massive fakeouts that appear to be best for critical short-yardage situations. 

One lines up two tight ends, you know, where tight ends usually line up, and sticks a third several yards back; a handoff is faked to a running back while all three TEs initially attempt to throw blocks. Then, one of the ends on the line begins to sneak outside. As the defense becomes spread out, defenders realize "Aw shucks, this ain't a running play!" and begin chasing everyone, predominantly the outside end, thinking this is where the ball is going to end up. Meanwhile, the third, back-set TE (who initially served to draw defenders away from the RB and the other TE) takes off and gets enough real estate that the QB can find him. I'm sure it's maddening to try and defend against. 

***

Anyway, will the betting on the Cards result in a win? Stay tuned for more analysis. And remember kids: if at first you don't succeed, running back punts is not for you.

*As a general rule, coaches with funny names are never in the Superbowl. Thinking back, in recent memory, we've had Dungy, Smith, Coughlin, Belicheck, Gruden, etc. Tomlin fits in there nicely, but Whisenhunt?

** Clarifications for those who don't know; in those more traditional (i.e., non-Steeleresque) offensive formations, the "strong side" of the line refers to the side with the TE. 

Heard on the Fox Pregame Show

"Andy Reid in shorts. No. The only thing that should be on those legs are either pants, or some barbecue sauce. I don't know which."

-Michael Strahan

Hope everyone enjoys the Championship games today! A full 2nd and 1 recap to come later!

Team X vs. Team Y -Who 'Ya Got?

'Tis the season for coaching turnover! I heard today that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired head coach Jon Gruden. Truth  be told, I don't know a whole lot about Gruden, other than the fact that he's extremely intense. Whereas someone like Tom Coughlin frequently has the volume turned up to 11 (or when he doesn't, just stands there on the sidelines boiling on a low simmer and looking like he swallowed a toad, like he did most of last Sunday), Gruden seemed turned up to at least 12.

I know he didn't get along with some of his players (Chris Simms comes to mind), and perhaps the team chemistry is eventually what did him in; the Bucs played schizophrenically all season, ending in a slow decline and a final implosion against the 5-11 Oakland Raiders. Well, rather, the team just imploded. Gruden promptly exploded, or spontaneously combusted, or launched himself into orbit. The Buccaneers have weird psychology with the Raiders.

In addition, the Detroit Lions hired former Titans DC Jim Schwartz to replace Marinelli (although the latter sounds like a model of car that would've rolled out before Detroit got all post-apocalyptic, doesn't it?) All I have to say to him is good luck. Trying to coach the Lions after last season to me seems almost as difficult as telling Bill Belichick to NOT run up the score, or something.* I admire the guy's fortitude, and maybe he'll bring the Lions a new perspective (either that, or whatever Kerry Collins is taking).

There also were rumors swirling around that San Diego's (Warning, choking hazard!) LaDainian Tomlinson (Also known as "There's #21 in for the touchdOWWW MY [Insert body part here]") was going to be traded. Tomlinson has said that these rumors are preposterous (or, at least, that's what I heard him say last night when I was at B-dubs watching some basketball). In my opinion, after being plagued by injuries, LT has one season left at most, given the short lifetime of a running back in the NFL these days. Although I think he might get a healthy endorsement contract from StairMaster (or whatever other exercise equipment he's always using on the sidelines).

Anyway, my picks for this week:

Cardinals @ Eagles: The Eagles are hot after dropping the Giants in Giant-land. The Cardinals are hot after embarrassing the Panthers/playing defense while the Panthers embarrassed themselves. Anquan Boldin is probable for the Cards. Who knows about Westbrook anymore. The Eagles positively Belichicked the Cardinals (vide infra) in their first contest this season, and could easily do it again, but the latter are coming in who could quite possibly be the NFL's best WR, and with momentum harder than Andy Reid's gravitational pull. Sure, they still have a feeble, aging run game and a defense that jumps/slides/lines up offsides every other play, but just because, I'm going to pick the Cards, and probably regret it.

Ravens @ Steelers: Is there any team hotter than the Pittsburgh Steelers right now? Terrible Towels! Dancing to techno music at Heinz Field! All of the hullaballoo about Hines Ward! Roethlisbergwhats-His-Name still being cogent enough to throw a ball! Luke Ravenstahl removing "Ravens" from his name! Enter the Baltimore Ravens, with a secondary more complicated than the BCS and a line that won't let you move the ball two Angstroms on a good day! Ed Reed! Joe Flacco on target to become the Rookie of the Millenium (and the Second Coming in Baltimore) if he's, well, on target! As compared to the dry, pedestrian prose that is the NFC, The absolute poetry that is these two teams would make E.A. Poe spin his grave. I'm going to go with the Steelers, because as much as I like the Ravens, their offensive inconsistency may mean they are living on borrowed time. Thenagain, this one could just as easily end in a 0-0 tie.

Who will go to the Big One? Cravens? Steagles? Cardineelers? Eagravens?

Remember kids: Anyone can pass a football...but only if they've swallowed it first!

*2nd and 1's Degrees-O-Defeat: I have slightly modified it from the original version.

If you are losing by 7 points, it's anyone's game.

If you are losing by 14 points, you're losing.

If you are losing by 21 points, you're getting shellacked.

If you are losing by 28 points, you're getting pasted.

If you are losing by 35 points, you're getting steamrolled.

If you are losing by 42 points, you're probably playing the Patriots.

Nuttery

Over at SportsbyBrooks, there's a bit of a buzz about the misbehavior of some Giants fans (Warning: some of the comments on the page aren't safe for work or young'uns). In brief, these people, apparently enraged that the Giants lost (and possibly under the influence of various exogenous chemicals) went on a rampage, trashing cars through the parking lot.

I was writing about fans behaving badly several days ago in sweeping generalizations, but honestly, I didn't know how far some of this has gone. Perhaps I am frightfully naive (or at least was today), but generally, when I go to games, people are civil. Of the 10% of the less-than-savory types, the breakdown (in my opinion) is as follows:

a) Angry drunk people whom, aside from yelling out a Carlin-esque litany of filth, are harmless (4%)

b) Kids, perenially up to no good (2%)

c) Creepy guys making the moves on girls born in 1988 or thereabouts (2%);

d) People in front of you who just won't sit down, no matter how much you yell at them (1.5%)

I suppose the remaining 0.5% would include the people mentioned above. See, for the most part, everyone's just around to enjoy a game, regardless of the outcome. I went up to Chicago last December to see the Bears play Jacksonville, and, after the game, a group of Bears fans (myself included) were joking and shaking hands with a group of (misguided as they may be!) Jaguars fans. Awww. How cute.

Do I occasionally get ridiculously mad about the outcome of games, including reaching the "nearly having a stroke in the stadium" stage? Of course. Have I screamed, cried, and been outright unpleasant for days because of bogus penalties/last-second field goals/egregiously bad play-calling? Of course. Would I once and a while like to see certain fans, or certain players leap off of Hoover Dam?* Who doesn't? But these folks in New York? Whoever you are: you're a disgrace to the sport. Really.

Sometimes I think that it would be funny if the NFL started running commercials about the value of sportsmanship, not unlike most of the major college conferences do. It would be epically cheesy. I'm personally imagining some kind of sketch involving the Mannings beating each other up. Something with officials and penalty flags (although not Ed Hochuli, this would get all of San Diego destroying cars)? Maybe Kurt Warner sounds like he'd be a good spokesman for said cause, or John Madden can get up and state the obvious for the umpteenth time. Maybe I can stop using topical humor. Whatever they decide, it would be much better use of time and resources than, for example, complaining about Wes Welker making a snow angel in the end zone, and it would remind some of these lunatics that it's a sporting event. 

*I'm not saying in particular who. "Prima Donna WRs who wear #81" is a good general class of said players, though.

Portmanteau!

One of the more amusing devices in the English language (and I'm sure they're in other languages too) is the portmanteau; the mutual adulteration of two or more words. For example, spork is the hybrid of spoon and fork. I was in a chat room last night commenting on the Steelers/Chargers game, and an anonymous poster commented on the possibility of a "Steagles" Superbowl, with the term being the portmanteau of (of course) "Steelers" and "Eagles." I began thinking to myself "which NFC/AFC Superbowl combination (or 3-team combo) would give the funniest-sounding portmanteau?" And the results of this mental experiment are posted below:

Titans/Packers = Titanickers

Cardinals/Ravens = Cravens

Dolphins/Panthers = Dolphanthers

Chargers/49ers = Charty Niners!

Browns/Seahawks = Breahawks

Vikings/Jaguars/Cardinals 3-way: Carjackings

Chiefs/Bucs = Chuccaneers

Bengals/Eagles = Beagles

Carolina/Oakland = Pant-Raiders

Baltimore/Atlanta = Balcons

Saints/Texans = Saxans

Bengals/Redskins = Skinning a cat

Detroit/Cincinnati/Chicago 3-way = "Lions and Tigers and Bears!"

Houston/Indianapolis = "Save a horse, ride a cowboy"

(Violation of rules, but) Green Bay/New York = Green Giants

Can you come up with your own? 

Niblets!

Apparently, we've all been mispronouncing Chargers punter Mike Scifres' last name. It's not "Sy-fers," but rather "Sy-fres." To avoid confusion, I usually say "that guy who can kick it 69 yards."

***

Watching a 300-lb Iowa-Class defensive lineman recover a fumble and attempt to run it back is one of the true joys in life, even if said player doesn't get anywhere.

***

The 3-man rush does not work against Philadelphia. It just doesn't.

***

It seems to me that you can't ever win in a fantasy game when your WR and RB are on teams playing one another, because as soon as the WR's team cues into your RB, the previously run-heavy team is forced to pass, and vice versa. The only way this ever works is if both teams have absolutely no defense and the predicted over/under for the game is 90 points.

***

Regardless of what Donovan McNabb says in postgame interviews, I don't think God is an Eagles fan. As decent as most Eagles fans are now, we can't neglect the fact that they booed Santa Claus and threw batteries on the field in the past. I think all fan bases have their lunatics. If I go by the sweeping generalizations I read/hear about, I would say that Steelers fans are pretentious, Raiders fans are borderline, Seahawks fans are emo (and with good reason after this season), Giants fans boo their own team regularly, Jets fans harass their cheerleaders and trash the stadium, Bears fans are pessimists, Atlanta fans are hicks, and Chargers fans are currently all in Pittsburgh yelling at their run defense, concession workers, and threatening rubbish bins. And there isn't a paper bag big enough to cover those who are still Lions fans.

Thus, I am going to side with Colts coach Tony Dungy, who stated that although he is a man of faith, he knows God does not care about football games. 

***

According to my friend, Darren Sproles is a leprechaun. I think he'll grant you three wishes and good luck if you catch him. Will the Steelers' wishes be granted more in the second half, or will Sproles simply decide to run between the legs of the linebackers?

***

The officiating crew for the Giants/Eagles game made a series of oopsies, the funniest being when Philly was on offense and a penalty (I forget what it was) was called on "#22 of the defense"; the Giants do not have a #22 on their defense. A technical non-penalty?

***

Also, apparently the Giants can't kick in their own stadium. If I heard correctly, Carney has only made 11/22 attempts in the Meadowlands. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

***

Speaking of the Meadowlands, I was having an interesting conversation with someone earlier today: what would happen if the Giants and the Jets played one another? Or, how about if both had home-field playoff advantage, and the stadium had to be in Jets regalia on Saturday and Giants on Sunday? How would they do it? Would a hole open up in the space-time continuum and eat the state of New Jersey as a result of the ensuing logistical nightmare? Actually, does anyone know if the Giants and Jets have played each other since the Jets moved in (season openers, etc)?

***

Finally, a big shout-out to my friend Marc, who is a die-hard Steelers fan (of the non-pretentious variety). Happy Birthday; may Leprechaun Darren grant your wishes. I won't make any more Delhomme jokes.

Welcome to Second and One

Welcome to Second and One, a place where a football nut can finally write all about football without; 

a) Feeling like I'm writing for an audience, when, in all reality, I'm delusionally drooling into blank space;

b) Having my friends (who read my other blog) sigh to themselves after reading yet another "you're losing, why didn't you onside kick?" rant.

And why "Second and One?"

...That's what you get when you go the whole nine yards.

***

So as everyone is talking about the NFL playoffs, I guess it would only be fitting for me to leap into the pot of analysis and prognostication. And for Saturday of the Divisional Round, it appears Bird is the Word!

Knocking on the End Zone's Door? Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore!": Some people I've talked to don't know what to think about yesterday's contest between the Titans and the Ravens beyond "that was a really weird game." Between the punts, the slop, the gazillion yards of penalties, and the fact that Tennessee was able to nickel-and-dime the ball up and down the field (much to the chagrin of us who picked the Ravens' D for our Fantasy Playoff teams) but still have all drives that should have ended in points end in turnovers, I had no clue what I was watching after a while. I will say this though: I admire Baltimore's fortitude. They couldn't have gotten the Titans off the field with a stampede of bulls, yet they refused to roll over and die defensively, grabbing two picks and recovering a fumble. Offensively, they were naught to write home about, but still managed to grind it out.

Before Big Game Sunday, I usually call my dad, where he'll ask me "Ok. Team X vs. Team Y. Who ya got?" And I'll offer my picks for the week, usually based on Evidence Which May Or May Not Turn Out To be Total Crap. Examples of this would include:

a) It's raining in Location X; the Ys do poorly in bad weather;

b) The turf at X's field is slippery, and Y has a run-heavy offense;

c) Coach Z couldn't coach a baby to stop crying in the Pacific Time Zone;

d) The Xs never win when Mars is in the Fifth House and Uranus is Retrograde;

Yet something on Friday night convinced me to pick Baltimore. I'm not sure why. Sure, they were second in the league in takeaways and came into the postseason pretty hot. Sure, the Titans were on a bye week with their fingers up their noses whilst the Ravens slaved away down in the Miami heat. And sure, Joe Flacco often has days where he hogs all of the Rookie of the Year thunder (take that, Matt Ryan!), but more often than not, the Ravens' offense is low-scoring, inconsistent, and generally mediocre. So why Baltimore, then?  

I guess I thought they had better uniforms. That coat-of-arms business is classy.

***

I also couldn't help but notice that the announcing in the Titans/Ravens game was awful. I generally like announcers to call a game, and occasionally interject interesting trivia, stats, educational bits from So-and-So's playbook- because in addition to being entertained, sometimes I like to learn something about the teams I'm watching and the tactics they use. All I learned yesterday:

1. Ed Reed has speed.

2. LenDale White needs more speed. 

I don't have a Superbowl ring, but I can do better than this!

1. Ed Reed has speed. He's a safety; he should.

2. LenDale White needs speed to run (if the Titans are to get anything started on the ground sans Johnson.)

3. Kerry Collins is probably on speed.

***

I will say it wasn't as bad as the announcing for the BCS Championship. You know it's really bad when the announcers slide into nothing but Tim Tebow fanboy-ism and senseless existential claptrap for two whole quarters. It makes you actually wish that Brent Musburger were calling the game, whereupon you're promptly forced you to hate yourself for thinking that.

Another Bye Bites The Dust, also known as "What did Jake Delhomme get for his birthday? Creamed!": I like to call the Saturday night game the "Battle of The Inappropriate Location-Species Combinations" because there are very few Cardinals in Arizona, and depending on what you interpret a "panther" as, I can guarantee that the sleek black thing that's their mascot doesn't live in Charlotte. But thenagain, there aren't and were never any Bengals in Cincinnati, so I suppose it's a moot point.*

Ok. I'll be frank. Nobody saw the Cardinals coming. Absolutely nobody. Not John Madden, or Michael Strahan, or my dad, or the guy who picks up my trash. And today, the sounds of the vast morass of NFL analysts whacking their foreheads into their desks in unison actually drowns out the hubris over the 'Cards themselves. 

Now, I'm a firm believer in this business about how teams are inconsistent and anyone can beat anyone on any given day. I believe in underdogs, upsets, and the improbable, Cinderella stories, and giant Moebius strips of loss-by-proxy, but I did not think the Cardinals had any chance. I didn't think they stood a chance because you can't win with a 9-7 pass-wacky offense lead by an aging quarterback and no Anquan Boldin, and a nonexistent run game lead by an aging running back against Carolina, in Carolina, in the rain. Oh, and their coach has a funny name. And you never see the coaches with funny names in the Championship games! Whisenhunt. Ha Ha. After the Panthers fired the warning shot across the bow in the first four minutes, I (and most everyone else) went "well, that's over" and opened my computer to mess around on the internet, only to look up 40 minutes later and go "Wait, when did it become 30-7?!" 

I suppose the answer is simple: whereas Tennessee collapsed, Carolina imploded. Jake Delhomme threw 17/34 for 205 yards, fumbled once, and then threw five picks, and on his birthday to boot. I had nothing invested in this game, but I go back and forth between feeling incredibly bad for the undefeated-at-home Panthers, to wanting to ridicule them endlessly. So I'll let the reader be the judge. Imagine you were one of the Panthers on yon bench, witnessing this horrible spectacle, watching your postseason hopes get mercilessly flushed down the drain as your increasingly frustrated QB causes your offense to fold like a lawn chair, while an 9-7 team that has been violated in every way imaginable on the road proceeds to play pitch n' catch all night. And on National TV, to boot! Oh, the humanity! 

Now, on the other end of the spectrum, imagine making a video montage of all of the ways the Panthers screwed up last night (complete with Delhomme going ballistic), speeding it up to 200%, and dubbing Yakety Sax over it. 

Case rested?

If you go to a bakery and order half a dozen turnovers, is it called the Carolina Special? Honestly. I lost track of whom Delhomme was even trying to throw to after about the third foible. Some character named "Steve Smith" was supposed to be in the picture somewhere. I still don't know who that is.

I suppose it could be worse, though. I followed the Bears through the 2006 season as Rex Grossman learned the hard way that Lovie Smith, the Gatorade bucket, the Chain Gang, and his left guard weren't eligible receivers.

***

Non-Playoff News: I heard yesterday that the Chicago Bears hired Rod Marinelli as a D-line coach. Am I the one who thinks this is a totally moronic undertaking? Chicago's problem for years has not been their defensive line; it's their inconsistent offense and poor decision-making by the brass. I won't belabor this point now. I think Marinelli's a decent guy, despite this Mark of the Beast business after choking away an entire season, but to quote a friend of mine, hiring Marinelli is sort of like hiring the captain of the Titanic. 

Without Further Ado, My Picks For Today: 

Steelers over Chargers: Expect less Darren Sproles against the Steel Curtain. Barring tactical errors by Roethlisberger and special teams, it could very well be power out for San Diego.

Giants over Eagles: Actually, I'm saying Giants (60%): Eagles (40%). I don't think these two teams match up very well, but that home-field advantage thing may mean something here. Flip a coin, really: heads, the Giants' secondary stands McNabb on his head every other play; tails, Eli Manning is Eli Manning.

That's all for now. Remember kids: We may not know the answer to the important questions in life, but there's still something mesmerizing about watching guys in spandex pasting each other.

*Although Detroit is pretty rough. There may be lions wandering the streets at night.