Crime and Punishment

Good heavens, there's a lot of spicy, juicy news this week. I figured since I'm home sick from work for the third time this year (because apparently my immune system's defense is only slightly better than the Cleveland Browns' defense), that a second theme-post ("Crime and Punishment") is in order (as I make Leo Tolstoy spin so fast in his grave that we could use his remains as a turbine engine).

First order of business. Pro Football Hall of Fame linebacker and former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor has been arrested for the alleged solicitation and rape of a 16-year old runaway girl, who may or may not have been a prostitute (ESPN).* Oi vey. According to the gory reports, 51-year-old Taylor arranged a meeting at a hotel with the girl through a middleman (who has since been arrested for sex trafficking), and allegedly payed her $300 for her, uh, services. Since the girl is under the age of consent in New York (which I believe is 17), it's third-degree rape. Whoah, that's a hard story to swallow at about 9AM when you're recovering from a nasty cold, and I really don't know what to say about it other than Taylor should be ashamed of himself if it's true and I hope someone helps the young lady in question. This is not Taylor's first run-in with the law, his prior arrests coming from possession of drug and drug paraphernalia and tax fraud and evasion. Because what man doesn't want to keep every penny he earns to blow it on, well, blow?

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In other news, it looks like we may have some fallen Saints on our hands...or maybe not. Supposedly, head coach Sean Payton and another coach are accused of stealing Vicodin from the team's medicine chest. I'm having a hard time following this story, which Deadspin describes as "potentially scandalous, potentially frivolous"). Reportedly, one coach (and Payton as well) were prescribed the narcotic, and the other coach got to abusing it and stealing tons of pills from the cabinet, and a former security guard (and also FBI agent) blew the whistle, claiming he was ordered by Saints GM Mickey Loomis to cover up the scandal. Supposedly there are NFL audits, secret microphones, two million dollars, and videotape involved, and someone's been talking to the DEA, who doesn't seem to care all that much about some guy stealing some other guy's pills, even if they won the Super Bowl. (ESPN)

"What should we steal next?" "Hmm, I don't know. How about Drew Brees' birthmark?" Source: exposay.com via Deadspin - I don't normally take pictures from the same article I cite, but the picture just goes with the caption too darn well. 

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It's official - The Raiders have released JaMarcus Russell, a former first-round-pick overall out of LSU, making him one of the biggest draft busts of all time, as Russell only won 7 of the 25 games he started and will still cost them 39 million dollars. (NFL) I'm not sure what Russell's problem was beyond the descriptors of him being everything from lazy and overweight to unproductive and difficult to work with. I thought to begin with that his SEC-style of play wouldn't be a good fit for the Raiders' more traditional offense. Nonetheless I'm sure the total bummer and outright bad psychology that is a franchise that's had seven consecutive seasons of 11 or more losses can also mess with the head of a 21 (22?)-year-old rookie. When I think back to being that age, I probably wouldn't have wanted to play for the Raiders either.

Who wants to play where these guys scream at you all game? Who are the two with the KISS-makeup, Road Warrior Animal and his son?** Source: akgroom.wordpress.com, original photographer unknown; and some random wrestling site.

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I'll end this entry on a positive note. Last Monday, myself and a group of random crazy scientists (read as: my friends and colleagues), decided to play flag football out on one of the many grassy fields around the Large University Where I Work instead of slaving away at our research. It was a beautiful day even though my team lost. My dad later asked me what position I played and whether I definitively enjoyed playing offense or defense more, and I definitively have an answer. 

So I was sitting with a group of people on a Saturday night a couple years back, just drinking beer and watching college games, and we got around to the hypothetical "what position would you play?" question. People had a hard time placing me until someone piped up, "you'd be a wide receiver because you're tall" and everyone leapt on the proverbial bandwagon. Well, erm, ok, this would be a spot-on statement, except for one little (and maybe sort of important) fact. I can't catch. I'm absolutely horrible on offense beyond simply being a decoy to draw coverage because I couldn't hold onto a football if it were duct-taped to my hands. I'm more than just gauche and cartoony; I'm the special-ed child of Jake Delhomme and Adrian Peterson eating a Butterfinger bar on New Years' Eve, which is probably the ball-droppiest of all the holidays. Now, let's couple this with the statement of a guy in my department who always insists that all cornerbacks are just really lousy wideouts, and you've got my answer. I like playing defensive back. I can't catch, but I love chasing and getting in the way of people who actually can. As the head of my research group told me before said game, "get out there and knock somebody over already." 

Remember kids: If your hat has three corners, it sure as heck ain't playing cover-2. 

*Those so inclined may make the "NOT Dez Bryant's mom" joke now. You know you want to. Get it out of your system. 

**Ironically enough, the real Road Warrior Animal's son actually plays for the Rams. For real, although I wouldn't want to play there either.

Scandal and Slander!

So it turns out that it surfaced just around draft time that several prospective draftees were asked thoroughly inappropriate questions during the combine and pre-draft interviews by the brass of several NFL teams. It's true - kids coming out of college and looking to be recruited by the pros are often asked rigorous, soul-searching questions about their backgrounds, character, philosophy, style of play, and so forth, but it was taken too far during draft week by Miami Dolphins' GM Jeff Ireland, who asked Olahoma State WR Dez Bryant (who was drafted #24 overall by the Cowboys), if his mother was a prostitute. (Miami Herald). Bryant later stated that he was "really mad." Yeah. If someone asked me something like that during a job interview, I'd gouge their eye out. Bryant's mom, Angela Bryant, was arrested for selling drugs many years ago, but is equally mad about the situation, and (for the record), is not a lady of ill repute. (USA Today)

Other dodgy questions that have arisen out of this year's little Q & A sessions at the scouting combine and beyond, listed in the order of increasing eye-gouginess:

A. Whether DT Gerald McCoy prefers to wear a G-string or a jockstrap when he plays (They apparently forgot "thong" as an option);

B. Whether DT Geno Atkins (later drafted by the Bengals) was straight or gay (Yahoo Sports; Isn't it illegal, or least highly frowned upon, to ask that?)

C. What it felt like for Florida State safety Myron Rolle (who left his team senior year to pursue a Rhodes scholarship) to "desert his team" (Since when is the pursuit of education considered treason?);

D. If Stanford's Toby Gerhart (drafted by the Vikings) felt "entitled" as a running back because of his race (the rest of us apparently are still surprised that there are white running backs).

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There's a very interesting article over at Sports Illustrated today. A neuropsychologist from some national institute or another describes how the symptoms of frontal lobe trauma - such as that seen in accident victims and war veterans - almost exactly describe the behavioral issues that plague Ben Roethlisberger, who is now facing a six-game suspension for his inappropriate behavior (which, once we get past the Ken Starr-esque wordplay, may or may not have been sexual assault). (SI/CNN)

Head injury or head-case? Overentitled or underprotected? Source: Steelerstoday.com

Jordan Grafman (the scientist) wonders if said issues - ranging from "violations" of social rules to misinterpreting a person's intentions when it comes to intimacy - could be due to events such as motorcycle accidents and repeated concussions. According to the article, Roethlisberger is something of a professional jackass around Pittsburgh, where he's reportedly done everything from flirting with other men's wives to dining-and-dashing at local restaurants and throwing tequila on people* (sadly, I wish I was kidding). Similar violations of what is considered "polite" are also seen in persons with frontal lobe damage. Interesting stuff, although Dr (Mr.?) Grafman also wonders whether it's possible to disentangle these issues from those of a 20-something-year-old Super Bowl winner with a lot of dough and a serious entitlement complex, which, to us here at Second and One, honestly sounds like most of the Steelers. Things other Steelers have done within the past two years include: smoking lots of dope, public intoxication, public urination, harassing nightclub patrons,  beating the snot out of towel dispensers, posting pictures of their private parts on the internet, I could go on - if the SI article is true, someone please get these guys some new helmets!

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In Bears news, legendary (now retired) running back Gale Sayers admitted, (essentially), that the Bears still suck. (Chicago Tribune) On Tuesday, Sayers took shots at everyone from Brian Urlacher to the Bears' front office. If I were Sayers, I don't think I would've maligned half the team, but the pot-shots at the Bears' upper management (whom our storekeeper Brian has described as "a bunch of people listening to Loony Tunes music while they make decisions") are probably well-merited. The funniest part about what Sayers said, actually, is reading the comments over at the Tribbie, where the most rabid of the Bears fans are currently tearing each other apart over whether or not Jay Cutler will throw less interceptions next year.

More to come in the next few days.

*Pardon my violation of the PG-13 rating, but it seems like "chew and screw" is literal in Big Ben's case.