Anyone watching Carolina vs. Baltimore tonight? I don't have the NFL network, and therefore can't see this Patriots/Saints re-match that everyone's been talking about, so I'll occupy myself with some writing. I've been working on this for five days now. Without further ado - The Second and One Preseason Power Rankings!
Before we get to the list, let me say this: all rankings, despite being objective, are based on such things as "statistics", "facts" "current events" and "actual sources beyond blatant homeristic biases" (whatever that means, but I think it's important.) If we've ranked your team higher than you think they should be, feel free to celebrate. If they're lower than you'd like, please don't put a bounty on my head.
1. Indianapolis Colts
Props: Of course, is there anywhere we can start with the Colts that doesn’t involve Peyton Manning? Despite the lackluster finish at the end of last season’s Super Bowl, Manning returns to his role as gunslinger and field general – and motivational speaker for the rest of the team. Also, let’s not underestimate his receiving corps. Wayne, Clark, Collie, Garcon, Gonzalez – the only thing these boys have yet to catch is the swine flu.
Slops: The Colts have yet to find a running back who can truly move the pile – they were ranked in the cellar in rushing last season. Joseph Addai is good in short-yardage situations but tends to be more of a power-back and he’ll likely be trading carries with Donald Brown. Also: pay attention to the health of the team’s defense as a whole.
Who cares if they look silly? They've had seven consecutive seasons of 12 wins or more. Source: unknown.
2. New Orleans Saints
Props: We talk too much about bad psychology here that it’s time to turn the tables. The Saints get the gold medal in good psychology. They won a Super Bowl. They’re relatively unplagued by the scandal that’s permeated the league this off-season. They run so many crazy offensive formations that their playbook likely reads like a game of Mad Libs. Their ever-expanding fan-base is rabid about them; they’re like the Twilight of football. And after last year, they have a lot of their starters returning on offense. The defense also plays well. At the Saints’ annual end-of-camp scrimmage, Drew Brees was frustrated over constantly being thwarted by the defense. Any defense that can pull the plug on the scoring machine is a good defense, right?
Slops: After their miraculous junkyard-to-boulevard season, they’re in everybody’s crosshairs as the team to beat in the NFC. Also, although their secondary comes up with a lot of interceptions, they tend to play loose and gamble more than some people are comfortable with. We’ll see what Gregg Williams comes up with this season.
3. New York Jets
Props: The Jets also capitalized in the off-season, signing LaDanian Tomlinson to a team that already gets off the bus running (ranked #1 by the end of last season). The Jets, a deep sleeper team in 2009, also have good psychology – Rex Ryan seems loud and adamant on flying the Jets to the Big One this year. The Jets also boasted the league’s best combined defensive unit in 2009, leading the league in both pass and total defense. They added to the former category in the signing of Antonio Cromartie (who’s now settled down and is ready to be serious.)
Slops: I’m still shaking my head over why the Jets didn’t keep Thomas Jones, who had a career-high 1402 rushing yards last season. Supposedly it had something to do with a pay cut, but I’m not sure what to believe. I would have caved to his demands. Can you imagine had they kept him and still signed the disgruntled LT? Tomlinson and Jones would have been a great one-two punch, especially now that the Jets have maintained that they’re committed to the run.
4. Cincinnati Bengals
Props: While we’re on the subject of one-two punches, we’ve got the receiving half playing for the Cincinnati Circus! T.O. and Ochocinco! If Carson Palmer can deliver, these two will receive. I cannot imagine being an opposing corner and trying to predict these fellas’ routes – my head would explode.
Slops: Cris Collinsworth noted dryly that the Bengals have the “world’s largest police blotter”. I sincerely hope that their legal dramas (Matt Jones, Cedric Benson, the Cornerback Formerly Known as Pacman) don’t get in the way this season. Not to mention nobody knows how the chemistry between Ocho and TO will shake out. They’ve got similar personalities. This could be good. This could be bad. No doubts it will be hilarious for the rest of us.
Just imagine. We are going to be seeing Heaven-knows how many years of this. Source unknown.
5. Vikings (with Brett Favre)
Props: If Brett Favre returns, Minnesota’s receivers will likely continue to burn up the scoreboards and exasperate cornerbacks everywhere. Their defensive front line (Allen, Williams, Williams, and Edwards) will give Favre plenty of time to work magic and keep the rest of the defense sharp.
Slops: The question is if. Without Favre, they’ve got iffy depth at the QB and LB positions, an aging secondary, a linebacker coming back from a broken femur, a receiver who suffers from migraines, the human fumble machine who wears #28, and fans who seem like they’re perpetually ready to commit seppuku.
6. Green Bay Packers.
Props: Aaron Rodgers is athletic and has an amazing arm, as anyone who’s owned him in fantasy football will tell you. Rodgers is actually the #1-ranked fantasy quarterback right now in just about everybody’s system. Also playing well for the Pack are wide receivers (anyone can throw anything to Donald Driver!) and the linebacking corps (perhaps, last year, LBs Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk contributed to their top-ranked rush defense)
Slops: The question remains whether Rodgers can be protected this season. Rodgers was the most-sacked quarterback last season – at 52 sacks (21 by Minnesota and Chicago alone) the guy got smashed harder than Ben Roethlisberger on a Friday night. The Packers have added Marshall Newhouse and Iowa product Brian Bulaga to the line, hoping for an improvement. Us Bears fans sincerely hope for the reverse. Also pay attention to: the age and health of the secondary, especially now that S Atari Bigby needs ankle surgery.
For their next drill, the Packers are going to send Ryan Grant through a car-wash. Source: AP, name unknown.
7. Dallas Cowboys
Props: The Cowboys have some real stars. Miles Austin. Jason Witten. Marion Barber. They’ve got a promising rookie in Dez Bryant (to fill the “Vacancy” left by T.O.), a new right tackle to hopefully prevent Tony Romo from ending up on his back (sacked a career-high 34 times last season –ouch!), astonishingly good depth at tight end (if their tight ends ever recover from their injuries), a good kicker, and a lot of talk about this being Tony Romo’s breakout year. The Cowboys have all of the pieces to start hot.
Slops: The problem is, we’re looking at the whole package here. The whole package looks like it’ll be assembled properly from the August standpoint, but nobody knows whether the Cowboys (who have been so famously awful in December and January that they’ve been dubbed the “Collapse-Boys”) will have the momentum to finish out the season.
8. New York Giants
Props: Despite missing the playoffs, Eli Manning was still ranked above average last year, and WR Mario Manningham still has a lot of time to develop into something vaguely resembling a pro receiver.
Slops: The Giants’ played with inconsistency last year, went 8-8, choked spectacularly in the clutch, and missed the playoffs. Additionally, Big Blue’s roster currently looks like a bad episode of House. Last year we had Brandon Jacob’s wonky knee and Ahmad Bradshaw’s broken foot. This year, we’ve got three offensive linemen out for who-knows how long, and Osi Umenyiora’s hip (that will eventually require surgery). Bad karma, anyone? And now the G-men are interested in re-signing Plaxico Burress when he gets out of jail? Come on.
9. Arizona Cardinals
Props: Despite being rather anemic at the RB position in the past, the Cards have a good backfield in Tim Hightower and Beanie Wells. Did you know that in 2009, Hightower and Wells had the team's highest average yards-per-carry statistic since 2000? These guys are young and will continue to produce. The contribution of star wideout Larry Fitzgerald also can’t ever be ignored.
Cons: Unless they plan on handing off all season (and thank heavens they are improving at the rush), the Cardinals need to make sure someone can deliver the ball through the air now that Kurt Warner is playing golf somewhere. Ken Whisenhunt is really showing a lot of confidence in Matt Leinart (by drafting an unknown quarterback in the 5th round), and most people wonder if it’s warranted. Does Matt Leinart even remember how to play quarterback?
10. New England Patriots
Props: The one thing that we can’t ever knock the Patriots for is willpower. If they win by 7 points, good. If they win by 14, great, if they win by 24, fabulous, if they win by 30, it’s normal. If they win by 48, maybe Bill Belicheck will smile. With this willpower, they continue to have good general offensive competence.
Slops: The health of receiver Wes Welker, who racked up a gazillion fantasy points last year, is still questionable after he blew out his knee, although it has been reported that he did participate in training camp. Nobody also knows what happened to the Patriots’ defense last season. Some (read as: me) speculate that the trading of Mike Vrabel to KC had something to do with it. Regardless, Belicheck’s dubious “4th and 2” call against Indianapolis last year showed a real lack of confidence in the defensive unit.
If only all running backs showed their safeties this much love. Source: AP, source unknown.
11. San Diego Chargers
Props: Ahh, we love the Chargers. Glamour and glitz, all sorts of ridiculous drama, powder-blue uniforms, a campy fight song, a famously cocky quarterback, and pretty cheerleaders. The Chargers also boast an amazing air assault (#5 last year), gigantic, skilled receivers, a decent secondary, and all sorts of momentum that somehow, year after year, manages to carry them to winning records.
Slops: The Chargers have no running game. This isn’t unheard of for a team as pass-wacky as they are (the equally flighty Colts and Texans were ranked near the bottom of the rushing pile as well) but consider this: they had no running game with LT last season. They’ll have even less of one this year without him unless their #12 draft pick produces fast. Also, we can’t neglect their contract issues, Vincent Jackson’s suspension, their below-average ranked rush defense, and their epic playoff collapses, where they build momentum through a thrilling mid-fall crescendo and then promptly remember that they’re still coached by Norv Turner after Christmas. Nate Kaeding, who never misses, shanking three field goals in the divisional game against the Jets? That’s a purely Charger-ian choke.
12. Philadelphia Eagles
Props: In Jeremy Maclin, Brent Celek, and DeSean Jackson, the Eagles have the ball, arguably, in good hands. It’s like a freakin’ Allstate commercial, and it showed last year despite a few games that left us scratching our heads. The departure of Donovan McNabb is going to stink, but backup Kevin Kolb appeared to be up to the job last season and will likely be adequate (as long as his favorite tight end stays open).
Slops: Philly’s offense is absolutely riddled with injuries. Maclin and Jackson both got banged up in training camp, and seven offensive Eagles with miss Friday’s first preseason game against Jacksonville. Also pay attention to: the way the team’s upper management handles Michael Vick’s drama.
13. Baltimore Ravens
Props: Even if you’re not a Ravens fan, you can no doubt name members of the Blackbirds’ defense: Ray Lewis. Ed Reed. Terrell Suggs. Nobody goes to a Ravens game to watch a flashy, high-scoring contest (although, at about 24 ppg, they were ranked an impressive #9 in sheer ability to score last year); they go to watch the defense devour the opposition alive (I’d say at #3 last year, they did a pretty good job at that). So yes. The Ravens have a good defense. They also have some talented players at most offensive skill positions, but nobody goes to a Ravens game to watch Todd Heap either.
Slops: As coherent as this unit is, it’s aging. As sort of inverse to the Eagles, the Ravens have a lot of injuries on defense right now. LB Sergio Kindle fell down the stairs and cracked his head open. CB Domonique Foxworth tore his ACL and is out for the season. Ed Reed, LarDarius Webb, and Fabian Washington will begin the season on the PUP list. Good Gravy, that’s got to hurt, no pun intended. Also pay attention to: the discipline of the team this year – the Ravens were the most penalized team last season.
The Cowboys, doing what they do best: rolling over and lying down. Source: AP, name unknown.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
Props: What’s not to like about the Steelers? Six Super Bowl Titles. A storied history. Fans all over the world. A good receiving crew and a quarterback who can deliver. Additionally, safety Troy Polamalu (whose injury on opening night really hurt the team last season) should start healthy, and the Steelers do not face a difficult schedule (Cleveland, Tennessee, Miami, Oakland and Buffalo).
Slops: Oh God, the drama! Losing to Cleveland, Oakland, Kansas City, and a weak Chicago team in one season? Sucks. The loss of Santonio Holmes to the Jets following his legal issues? Sucks even harder. Roethlisberger’s sexual assault fiasco, issues with the commissioner, and the ensuing suspension? We can’t even stay PG-rated and still describe how much that sucks.
15, Chicago Bears
Props: Last year’s season was disappointing, if my insomnia, nightmares, and sore vocal cords were any indication. Nonetheless, the Bears realize the gravity of the situation and scored big in free agency, picking up DE Julius Peppers and TE Brandon Manumaleuna. Additionally, the Bears had a good draft, adding depth where it was necessary, and are shaking off the unpleasantness from last season by hiring new position coaches and a new offensive coordinator, who is mixing things up already (Desmond Clark to H-back? Who runs this formation anyway!?) Also: Brian Urlacher appears to be healthy.
Slops: While it’s a move in the right direction, it may not be enough. Jay Cutler has to prove that he’s got chemistry with his receivers and isn’t just showing off his arm strength. The Bears also have two decent cornerbacks in Charles Tillman and Zackery Bowman (if they can stay healthy) – they just don’t have much depth beyond them, except, to quote my friend Mark “seventeen corners, all of who are mediocre.” The Bears also suffer from nagging psychological issues: generally lousy play-calling, poor upper management; fans crying for Lovie Smith’s blood; Urlacher exchanging words with just about everyone, and a rough schedule on the horizon.
Part 2 (#s 16-32) will be coming soon.
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