Week 8! Trickery, Tragedy, and Tight End Woes

Ahhh. My fancy seminar went well, new compounds are going off for anticancer testing, and the cool air of fall now descends (upon most people in the US, at any rate). What better way to celebrate the season of football...then by writing about it?

Ridiculously Sick Play, Part the First: The gun-happy Indianapolis Colts, despite being undefeated, have absolutely no running game to speak of, and are ranked 30th in rushing yardage. Against San Francisco, it looked to be another long afternoon for RB Joseph Addai. Addai, no longer trading carries with the injured Donald Brown, who was held to a measly 3.1 yards per rushing attempt. At the start of the fourth quarter, it wasn't looking promising. The Colts were down by two and Peyton Manning had yet to stumble into the end zone. Manning, under a two-tight end set, handed off to Addai, who ran backwards, drawing defenders into thinking they had his sweep blown up in the backfield. Addai then lobbed the ball 22 yards downfield to a completely naked Reggie Wayne for the touchdown. (Highlights c/o NFL.com) Trick-Or-Treat! Fun Fact: In his four seasons with the Indy Stampede, this was Addai's first pass attempt, and first pass completion. 

Congrats, Mr. Addai - You currently have the league's highest QB rating! I am so glad you're on my fantasy team! Source: Simon Bruty, Sports Illustrated.

Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Drew Brees! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! I have to admit, this category was tough this week. Brees completed 25/33 passes and lead the Scoring Machines through a preposterously wild and emotional roller-coaster of a game against Atlanta - and won. In the Vikes' hotly acrimonious over-hyped return to Lambeau Field, however, Brett Favre passed for 244 yards and four touchdowns. He is 40 years old, and this is the 21st time in his career that he has done this. Holy Statistics, Batman! 

But The Joke Wrote Itself! in non-football news, there is quite the tragedy unfolding in Cleveland: 11 dead bodies were found in the home of a registered sex offender, only one of which has been identified. The heartbreaking, gruesome details can be found here. (c/o CNN) Warning: the subject matter is not for children or the faint of heart. Don't say I didn't warn you.) Even though I'm probably going to be condemned to some horrible place for saying this:* the conclusion is very obvious. Eleven dead bodies in Cleveland? Stop the presses, we've found the Browns' offense! They score an average of 9.8 points per game!

Ridiculously Sick Play, Part the Second: In the 4th quarter of Monday night's Bayou shootout, the Saints were in the red zone and poised to score. Brees ran a three-tight end set, RB Pierre Thomas swung outside and caught a short pass, and from the goal line, executed a diving, twisting backflip over the converging defenders and his own lineman for the score. (NFL/ESPN) And the judges held up perfect "10"s for the acrobatics. 

Pierre Thomas picks up seven points and the gold medal in Mens' Pole Vaulting. Source: AP, Bill Feig.

Amusing Announcing: In a college game, Wisconsin was flagged for a false start. ESPN2's Ray Bentley, who has made this category before for his witty rhymes, quipped "Whoa, he got a little jiggle in his wiggle too early." Additionally, during MNF's Fastest Three Minutes, Chris Berman described the Packers' defensive backs as "a seven-ten-split...And they all fall down!" and also referred to a certain Colts RB as Joseph "Live and Let" Addai. Congrats on the clever commentating!

Special Teams that are Truly Special and Not Special: Continuing our whirlwind tour of the highlight reel, the most incredible special teams play of the week goes to...the St. Louis Rams. As you now wipe whatever beverage you were drinking off your computer screen, let me describe the scenario. Ahh, Detroit vs. St. Louis. A combined 2-13. In a game where neither quarterback could pass for over 200 yards and where an interception return somehow ended in a safety, the score was an astonishing 3-2 with one minute to play in the half. Rams kicker Josh Brown lined up to kick for three. His holder caught the snap and tossed the ball to Brown, who dumped it off to fullback Daniel Fells, who then jogged into the end zone. Brown not only got credit for the touchdown pass by this little game of "hot potato", but also kicked the extra point and a field goal, accounting for 10 of the Rams' 17 points. Statistic O' Suckage: these 17 points coincidentally ended the Rams' 17-game losing streak. Magnifico! (NFL/FOX)

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: I thought it was a shoe-in. Lead by vengeful Aaron Rodgers, pass-happy Addai, Bears wideouts vs. Cleveland, and power-back Jacobs, it seemed like a sure deal. I was even playing against Peyton Manning during that rare, auspicious week where Peyton Manning does absolutely nothing. The 'Nukes put up an absurd amount of points - and STILL lost! @%$#!! And where did I blow it? At tight end, of course! At this point, I could write an entire doctoral dissertation on the Boss/Celek/Shiancoe decision - and successfully defend it. I could get up in front of the Senate and petition congress to permanently switch all fantasy leagues to a two-TE flex option. I could write volumes of epic poetry and soulful rock ballads - complete with endless repetitions of whooa ooah hoooa whoaah! - about how badly I've screwed up at tight end this season. One might go like this:

Favre's got his receivers; Harvin, Rice, and such

But I went and started Shiancoe, hoping he'd do just as much

He scored against the Pack before - I thought he'd do the same. 

Alas, it did not matter; he was painted green all game!

I opted to bench Celek - he was looking kind of meek

But in what was only game that Philly won all week

Donovan and and the Eagles built a funeral pyre

And tossed the G-men is as Celek lit the field on fire.

And with that, I'm out. Remember kids: If you're forced to cover Steven Jackson, you're up against a battering Ram.

*My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families.