Drumroll, Please:

...It's time to announce the winner of the Second and One Annual Pre-Bowl Train-Wreck Award! This award, also known as the Tennessee Titans Trophy, is awarded to the college football team that suffers the biggest utter collapse of team morals - and subsequently, team morale - after earning a bowl bid. The dubious honor went last year to the Michigan State Spartans, who suspended at least a dozen football players for their role in a brawl at a fraternity party before the Valero Alamo Bowl.  

This year's winner: the University of Iowa Hawkeyes!

Just days after the announcement that the Hawkeyes will play Missouri in the Insight Bowl, star wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was arrested on multiple drug-related charges, including unlawful possession of multiple prescription drugs, possession of controlled substances, and running a drug house. Johnson-Koulianos admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine. Additionally, Iowa's athletic program admitted today that there are "serious flaws" in the way they test their student-athletes for drug use and believes multiple people have been finding ways to buck the system. As if things can't get worse, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended from participating in Iowa's bowl game due to an unspecified violation of team rules. The second-stringer, sophomore Jewel Hampton, has transferred out of the program, and another running back, Brandon Wegher, has requested a transfer as well, leaving Ferentz to start true freshman Marcus Coker for the bowl game. Marcus Coker. Is there a greater name for a guy at a school with an apparent drug problem than that?!

These goofy characters are: (a) from a Dr. Seuss book; (b) Adam Robinson and Derrell Johnson-Koulianos; (c) the New Big 10 Divisions?

Speaking of messes in the Big Ten Et Al., the gerrymandering of the conference into divisions is complete, now with ridiculous re-branding. The two divisions will be named "Legends" and "Leaders", according to the BigTelevenTwelve Official Website. These names are silly. See, it's not hard to come up with names for divisions, but the heads of the conference have completely whiffed this one, and whiffing at naming things is like losing a fewest-interception contest to Carson Palmer. Here, in my opinion, are twenty division names which sound better than "Legends" and "Leaders," and I didn't even need two weeks in a boardroom to come up with them!

East and West

Right and Left

One and Two

Blue and Red

A and B

Brain and Heart

Wisdom and Courage

Gin and Tonic

Prose and Poetry

Punch and Judy

Harold and Maude

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Divide and Conquer

Your Dad and My Dad

Starsky and Hutch

Booze and Drugs (Iowa leads the latter, MSU the former)

Watson and Holmes

Toilet and Bidet

Liberals and Conservatives

The Division with Nebraska and the Division Without Nebraska

More to come later.