It was a weekend full of insanity. The Top 10 in the BCS polls are making the scoreboards explode. Peyton spanked his little brother on national television. The Bears beat the Cowboys and made me very happy. As I need to leave town on Friday for family obligations, posting this week will be limited. Ergo, every note I made this week will be dumped into one big entry. This follows. Regular features to come later.
Another One Bites The Dust: The sole top-25-toppling-upset of the week: #9 Iowa falling to #24 Arizona because of a late TD to put the wildcats up 34-27. "Obviously, we're disappointed." Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz said. Ferentz, who has a history of saying obvious things, must also be reminded that it is only the fourth week of the season, that butter contains a lot of fat, and that Des Moines is the state capital.
Graduates of the Bill Belicheck School of Opponent Demoralization, Magna Cum Laude: Our Whomping of the Week award goes again to #5 Oregon, who pulverized Portland State 69-0. Other honor roll mentions: #3 Boise State, who beat Wyoming by 45 points, #1 Alabama, who beat Duke by 49, #14 Utah, who blasted New Mexico (the perennial punching bag of the Pac-10 and Mountain West) by 42, and my personal favorite, the St. Francis of Pennsylvania Red Flash (Division I-AA) who blanked the Sacred Heart Pioneers by an astonishing 41-0. Super Special Obscur-o-mention: my alma mater's team (the Division II Northern Michigan Wildcats) won by 39 against the Findlay Oilers last week. Keep up the good work, boys!
Funny Names, NFL Edition: This isn't so much one player with a funny name, as it is three players and a coach. Nobody thinks about the Buffalo Bills' offensive line much, but I couldn't help but notice that three members are men named Wood, Wang, and Levitre. Their assistant coach: a fellow by the equally hilarious name of "Johnson." In this context, it's really too bad Dick Jauron got fired...
You may proceed to giggle and point at will. Source: fantasy-info.com.
Truly Special Special Teams: We really hate to keep making fun of the hit-and-miss Tennessee Titans here, but when they allow Pittsburgh to return the opening kickoff for a touchdown, and then fumble the following kickoff (during the return) and give the ball back to the Steelers - we just have to.
Amusing Announcing, College Edition: Announcers frequently bodge up players' names, especially those are lengthy or ethnic- or foreign-sounding. One you don't see very frequently, on the other hand, is announcers messing up each other's names. At the beginning of the MSU/ND game, ESPN/ABC announcer Brad Nessler announced his co-announcer as "Scott Blackledge" - Blackledge's first name is Todd. Additionally, in this game, one of them referred to MSU RB Edwin Baker as "Edwin Baker the Touchdown Maker." So they didn't read their personnel sheets beforehand, but apparently did read some Dr. Seuss.
Weirdo Bonus Inverse Statistic: After going 0-4 in the preseason, Chicago is now 2-0. Houston and Kansas City, both 1-3 in the preseason, are also 2-0, while San Francisco, the only team to go 4-0 in the preseason...is 0-2. What the...
We Said it Was a "Heart Attack" of a Game - We Didn't Mean That Literally: Notre Dame. Michigan State. Overtime. The score was 31-28. MSU's Dan Conroy lined up to try a 46-yard field goal to send the contest into a second overtime. Instead, the kicker ran right and the defense chased him, while punter Aaron Bates (who was holding for Conroy) tossed the ball to a wide-open TE Charlie Gantt for the winning touchdown.(Youtube) Not only was it one of the sickest fakes to ever be executed, but the ensuing cacophony actually gave MSU coach Mark Dantonio a heart attack later that evening - presumably all of the blood had gone to his guts. Fortunately, Dantonio is expected to make a full recovery and we wish him the best.
You may now proceed to get all of the"300" jokes out of your system. Source: AP, Al Goldis
Amusing Announcing, Part II: Another announcing gaffe one doesn't hear of frequently is when simple names are butchered. An example of a "simple name" is, say, "Dallas Clark," the tight end for the Indianapolis Colts. I've heard Clark and fellow receiver Austin Collie colloquially referred to as "Texas" (Austin and Dallas), but generally, these names are not hard to mess up....until on Sunday, during Manning Bowl II, when Clark was mistakenly called "Dwight Clark" by the NBC announcers. Dwight Clark was a wide receiver who played for the San Francisco 49ers (and in the Pro Bowl) from 1979-1987. Please, announcers, be sure you're both on the right team and in the right decade!
More Truly Special Special Teams: At the end of the sloppy Washington-Dallas shootout, new 'Skins kicker Graham Gano attempted a 52-yard field goal in overtime, for the win. Just as the kick boomed, however, Texans coach Gary Kubiak called a kicker-icing timeout. Gano was forced to watch his game-winner fly through the uprights. After the break, Gano tried again - and shanked the kick wide right. After the Texans marched the other way and Neil Rackers won the game, Gano no doubt wanted to kick Kubiak's butt - but he would have likely missed there, too.
Amusing Announcing, "Because I'm Twelve" Edition: During another college game, I don't remember which, a flag fiesta occurred because, as the announcer says, someone "didn't report as eligible to the tight end." I'm not even going to touch this one for fear of compromising what little decorum I've got left.
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Bake 'Em: The Titans opted yesterday to wear their white road jerseys at home, on a day when the heat index in Nashville was in the triple digits. This (consciously) forced the visiting Steelers to wear uncomfortable black jerseys. I wonder how much teams - especially teams from Southern or Western climates where the early-season temperature is regularly on par with that of a foundry floor - execute this strategy.
Even More Amusing Announcing: During halftime announcements during NBC's coverage of the Colts-Giants game, Patriots WR Randy Moss was referred to as "Randy The Slouch" (in reference to Darelle Revis' comments). Another announcer then quipped, "sounds like a Sesame Street character."
What playing fantasy football in my league is currently like. That's me in the Bears' jersey, and Official Boyfriend of Second and One in the Lions Jersey. You may now proceed to make fun of me.
Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: Ugh, ugh, ugh. The Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One) lost another crushing game. I'm really having problems at running back after the Beanie Wells injury. I tried to pick up GB's Brandon Jackson but couldn't because my league's waiver rules are unintelligibly difficult. Instead, I took GB's John Kuhn, who the Packers use in short-yardage situations...and who got me a whole 2.5 points. Because I'm operating under the desperation mentality of "2.5 points is better than zero," I also made the mistake of starting Bernard Berrian over Demaryius Thomas (who was sensational). So now I'm sort of hosed at running back and this famously fickle third wideout position. Additionally, because my league is uber-deep, those who had early-season injuries or lousy drafts are perma-screwed. It's almost as if there's some kind of heavy, nasty fantasy storm-cloud that's sitting over my entire team, and now it's also sitting over my better half, who also lost to my ex in the much-anticipated "Battle for MC's Honor" bowl. And I'm up next week against That One Guy Who Has Philip Rivers, so I'm going to hang my hopes on Brady and Welker having such a good day that they single-handedly cause half the city of Buffalo to keel over from the sheer despair of it all. Or maybe I will.
That's all. Remember kids: just because you build a two-billion dollar stadium does not mean you will win in it.
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