Kickoff Sunday Recap

And now, as promised, to the pros. 

Special Teams that are Truly Special and Not Special: Newsflash: don't kick to the Kansas City Chiefs. Rookie kickoff returner Javier Arenas had long kickoff and punt returns, of 26 and 36 yards, respectively. Another rookie, Dexter McCluster (of Ole Miss fame), returned a punt 94 yards - the team's record - for a touchdown. It's safe to say that the Chargers did not know what hit them out in the rain at Arrowhead Stadium. We already know we shouldn't kick to Devin Hester. Don't kick to the Kansas City Chiefs! Can you imagine if Devin Hester played for KC? There would be a disproportionate amount of balls flying into the stands. 

That's a Penalty? During the ridiculously over-hyped NFC Championship rematch between the Minnesota Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favres and the New Orleans Who Dats, a false start penalty was called on a very unusual member of the offense - Drew Brees. The officiating crew ruled that the jerky motions Brees were making to his hands just prior to the snap were not part of some hand-gesturing or an audible, but rather, were deliberately meant to make the Vikings jump offsides. Show of (non-waving) hands: who knew this was a penalty? Who else thought he was just acting like Peyton Manning, who does this fairly regularly?

This is a Gun, This is My Foot (NFL Edition!) Oh, Dallas Cowboys. It was the end of the half. Four seconds were on the clock, and the Cowboys were going to head into recess down by three. Tony Romo, instead of throwing a Hail Mary pass to the end zone (from his end of the fie;d), tried a short checkdown pass to RB Tashard Choice, who was promptly creamed by 'Skins' CB DeAngelo Hall. Choice fumbled, Hall picked up the rock and ran it 32 yards the other way. The Cowboys went into recess down by 10 instead. Jumpin' Jehosephat. The Cowboys came back toward the end. On the last play of the game, while down by six, Romo found WR Roy Williams uncovered in the end zone. It appeared to be an opening day miracle, until the TD was nullified by offensive holding. And people think that Dallas is a Super Bowl-caliber team? I said this last season and I'll say it again. Even if a team has all of the pieces in place, a ton of media hype does not automatically mean they will be assembled properly. Dallas will not make it to the Super Bowl if they keep playing like a box of used car parts. I've got to quote my dad on this one, "if they keep playing this way, they won't make it to the toilet bowl." 

The Dallas Cowboys in a rare candid opening night picture. Source: some guy's Photobucket. Thanks, Manitouguy!

That's Also a Penalty? During opening weekend, Chicago, Indianapolis and the New York Jets amassed a total of 298 yards of penalties. To get some perspective on how many penalty yards that actually is, the Jets, Lions, Bills, Panthers, Vikings, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Raiders, (deep breath), Falcons, 49ers, Seahawks, Redskins, Ravens, and Chiefs all had fewer yards, individually - on offense.

Obligatory Fighting Nucleophiles Update: It wasn’t a good week. In fact, for the Fighting Nucleophiles (official fantasy team of Second and One), I might say that it was one of the worst weeks. Beanie Wells, my first running back, proceeded to hurt himself in practice approximately two days after the draft, and he did not play (even though Ken Whisenhunt said on Saturday that it was plausible that he and Tim Hightower might share carries against the Rams). Nonetheless, I wasn’t near a computer on Sunday to bench him. Additionally, I hoped that my second running back (Shonn Greene) would pick up the slack, but when he wasn't fumbling away the game, he was staring at Ray Lewis all night. Seven-tenths of a point between the two of them. And Bernard Berrian was double-covered by the Saints. And I lost to my ex-boyfriend, so my pride ended up hurting even more than Beanie’s knee. It was a travesty. The upside: it appears Wes Welker is finally healthy and launched a roaring, shrieking Welkergasm* all over Cincinnati, and it’s possible he could do it again in week 2, if the Jets secondary does indeed chase Randy Moss around all day. 

My fantasy team, in a rare candid opening weekend photo. Source: Someone's blog. Thanks, Redstick!

To come soon: the return of prognostication (now with additional prognosticators), and, on our semi-regular edition of Football Foods: how to make a truly spectacular game-day pizza. 

Remember kids: If you're looking for something that's both portable and collapsible, look no further than San Diego. 

*To prove it's not just me: raise your hand if you think "Shrieking Welkergasm" sounds like a cocktail you could order in Boston right about now.